Work Text:
I never had the courage of my convictions
As long as danger is near
Thanks to her midnight thirst she could hear him crying.
It was soft and low, a sob stifled by that rainy spring night. Even if the rain was a violent and loud battle outside, even if the deafening thunderstorm made her startle in her place, standing in the middle of the corridor, she could hear him sobbing, whining as if he was in pain. She didn’t wait for Dr Reichwein to wake up, nor Dieter. She didn’t wait, she almost ran. In fact, she ran. The water dripped on the floor, and her heart was pounding fast in her chest as she stood in front of his door wondering if she should knock or open the door. The whining grew a little bit louder, so she chose to open the door.
Another lightning illuminated the room making Nina gasp in fear, feeling her nerves on edge. Grimmer was laying on his side, giving his back to her, he was curled up in the bed. The covers were on the floor and he was shaking. She rushed placing the glass of water in the nightstand and with shaking hands she raised them at him but stopped when she realized she didn’t know what to do. « What would Tenma do? Should I wake him up? Is he in pain? Is he having a nightmare? Oh god, please help me…» Nina thought as she saw Grimmer sobbing and crying in his sleep. He was so big in height, and yet, there, in bed curled up he seemed so small, so vulnerable.
Nina’s heart clenched and when she reached a hand to him, he turned on his side and she saw his expression break down a mix of pain, despair and fear. This was the very first time she saw such an expression in him, and it broke her heart. She hated it. She hated when Dieter cried, she hated when Tenma had that particular broken look on her eyes. She hated to see the people she loved in pain. And Grimmer, slowly but strongly became one of the persons Nina loved. So that’s why she ran in the first place, that’s why she’s there, with watery eyes looking at him without knowing what to do.
She picked up the blankets and placed them over him, so carefully caring not to wake him up.
When he rolled again and ended up in his back Nina finally dared and sat on the bed and reached a hand placing it gently on his forehead and then his cheek, he was burning and he was sweating, she feared he was having a terrible fever, and for a moment she thought it would be related to the shot. « Should we take him to the hospital? » Nina weighed but she quickly dismissed that possibility when he started to stop crying. Nina sighed in relief when his sobbing started ceasing, and she rubbed her thumb on his cheekbone wiping the tears.
He was having a nightmare, that was for sure, there was no need to wake Dr Reichwein up. She was enough. «I am enough»
She leaned when he started sobbing again and placed her other hand on his hair, stroking it softly, motherly. Nina believed strongly that’s what Tenma could’ve done if she was there. Damn it. Why is she never there when they need her? She quickly slapped herself mentally for thinking like that, and focused on caressing Grimmer’s hair and face with her fingers.
When Grimmer’s breathing turned softer, Nina placed a hand on his chest, searching for his heartbeat. When she found it, it was beating slower. She took her hand back to his hair and remained there, stroking the blond strands of hair and removing them from his sweaty forehead.
Her heart raced when he groaned as if he was waking up. Nina didn’t move, she froze and stood there staring at him.
By this time, she had already turned on the little lamp on the nightstand next to the forgotten glass of water. And the yellow glow lighting the side of his face. His blue eyes found her own blue ones quickly. She felt like smiling reassuringly but she just looked at him while he blinked trying to figure out what was happening, where was he, or maybe who was her.
His hoarse voice said her name before trying to make another phrase. “W-what…”
“You were having a nightmare.” Nina said, moving her hand away from his face and placing it on his neck. “I thought you were in pain, that something happened in the shot area.”
“Did I wake you?” Grimmer asked with a gleam of embarrassment in his eyes and voice. “I’m sorry, Meine Süße…”
Nina shook her head, smiling softly. “No. I was thirsty and I went for a glass of water, then I heard you were crying.”
He looked away and even if he seemed calmer now, his chest was still moving up and down with heavy breathing. As if he just ran a marathon. Nina remained there, sitting next to him.
“Are you okay?” Nina finally asked.
In other circumstances, he would’ve smiled at her, but not this time, and she didn’t exactly expect him to do so. Yet she had the deep and well hidden hope for him to be open with her. To trust her enough to tell her about his nightmare, because she herself would’ve trusted him, she trusted him entirely. He just frowned and glued his gaze in the window and the way the rain kept hitting the glass. Another lighting illuminated the bedroom, Nina startled but Grimmer remained undisturbed, still, quiet.
“You want me to go?” She asked softly.
He didn’t answer. And she took it as a yes.
No, I could never give you peace
Nina bit her lip and stood up from the bed and taking the glass of water, she walked to the door and closed it behind her without making so much noise.
She walked the way to her room and she did nothing to wipe the tears that fell down her cheeks.
She wanted to avoid him when she found him in the kitchen in the morning. Not because she was mad but embarrassed.
Dr Reichwein just left for work, Grimmer finished preparing Dieter’s school lunch and she heard him talking with Tenma on the phone, something about Dieter’s school and the parent’s reunion, something about asking where her next mission was. Mexico or maybe Australia. Farther and farther away each time.
Grimmer was doing the dishes giving his back so Nina could have the opportunity to leave the kitchen if she wanted to avoid him without being too obvious but she chose not to. She just walked across the kitchen to the fridge and opened searching for orange juice. After taking a glass and pouring some juice in it, he talked, making her startle. Again .
“What do you want for breakfast?” He asked, gently. “Sweet or salty?”
Nina froze with the glass of juice on her lips, she drank slowly enough to delay her response and to think of what to say. She couldn’t say she expected him to be mad, because she did nothing wrong, right? But she thought for the whole night —or the rest of it—that he didn’t want to have a conversation with her, that he would choose to leave for work quickly and without taking breakfast, instead of coexisting under the same roof, just the two of them. She drank the juice slowly and then she felt Grimmer’s gaze over her. Waiting for her response.
“Sweet.” She dropped without thinking.
“Lucky you, I’m already preparing the batter for the pancakes.” He said and she could hear he was smiling.
Confused, she looked at him, why was he this gentle again? She knew there were a lot of things Nina didn’t understand about Grimmer. Things only Tenma could understand. But still, the way he avoided her last night, the way he silently asked to leave his bedroom. It still hurt. She knew he was such a complex man, and she had no right to demand explanations. But she thought she meant the same for him as he did for her. She thought her trust and her care was reciprocated.
Nina thought she could give Grimmer the peace he gave her.
“I will help you.” She said after a few moments and then took out the pan placing it on the stove and put a slice of butter in it.
But I’m a fire, and I’ll keep your brittle heart warm
Slow mornings were something she treasured endearingly, for precious moments Nina forgot her wounded heart when he joked around and made her laugh, when he hummed a song, when he smiled at her. They stood side by side in the kitchen with the appetizing smell of pancakes and butter filling the air and a big plate with a pile of fluffy pancakes.
She could tell he was trying to seem relaxed but she could notice the way he clenched his jaw once in a while, maybe it was the chronic pain left from the surgery, maybe it was her presence itself. But she could tell he was avoiding the conversation.
Nina bit her lip and exhaled softly, disappointed.
She knew he would open with Tenma, obviously. She knew he would open with Dr Reichwein, of course, he was his new therapist. She knew he would open even with Dr Gillen, even if they met just a few months ago. Then why not her? Why not her? Why? If he understood her better than Dr Reichwein, better than Dr Guillen… Better than Tenma…
“I want to apologize.” He said doing the dishes they used for the batter and interrupting her thoughts.
Nina raised her face at him.
“I was rude to you last night. And I scared you.” Grimmer continued without looking at her. “I was confused and I didn’t know how to react when you were there when I woke up. I’m still quite new to this”
She knew he meant his emotions . She knew what happened to him in 511 Kinderheim, at least the big picture. Not by his word but by Tenma’s. She told her about him while he was unconscious after he got shot. She knew he was married once and his son died. Nina never dared to take that topic out, it was none of her business —Actually, she wanted to know.— but of course she was too polite and respectful to touch such a nerve. Grimmer already had Tenma for that. Nina thought of herself as no one to ask him for the darkest parts of his past.
“You don’t have to apologize.” Nina said, finally turning her eyes to the pan, watching not to burn the pancake and ruin the perfect streak of beautiful pancakes. “I was just worried.”
“I know, and that’s why I’m apologizing. You were scared and I treated you harshly.” He persisted still without looking at her. “I wasn’t mad at you at all, Nina. And you were right, I had a nightmare.”
She pressed her lips in a thin line and tilted her head to the front letting the curtain of her blond hair cover the furious blush that raised from her chest to her cheeks, she didn’t like that much that he could see through her. Was she that obvious and easy to read? Or was he that good at reading people?
“Thank you for caring.” He said and her skin crawled when she felt his warm palm on her back and the blush grew redder.
Nina still felt unsatisfied. That’s not everything she wanted. She flipped the pancake.
“I know you are curious. And I’m also thankful you didn’t talk about this with Dr Reichwein. And I’d be also thankful if you avoided telling this to her” Grimmer said with a smile.
Nina laughed genuinely amused
“Oh, so now you are asking me to not say anything to her.” She pointed out with a grin and looked at him finally. “How life changes.”
She smiled, feeling her chest warm when she heard him laugh loudly.
“This is different.” Grimmer laughed.
“I don’t see how it’s different. She cares for us equally.” Nina pointed out. “But fine. I won’t say anything If you don’t want me to.”
Grimmer looked at her and this time his smile was different, she knew he knew. That she was expecting something else. The certainty, the trust. But Nina believed he just didn’t trust her enough.
Nina turned her face and smiled proudly at their creation. The pile of warm and steamy pancakes and her mouth watered when Grimmer poured maple syrup on them. She poured hot coffee on two mugs and when he sat in front of her she dared and smiled at him, the way she did last night. He smiled back like he always did. But this time he seemed sad.
They ate in silence, and Nina felt her heart less wounded.
The devil’s in the details, but you got a friend in me
The call she got from Tenma lasted about half an hour, it was like 11:45 pm in Nepal when she called, she asked if everything was alright, and objectively yes, everything was alright, Dieter was doing great in school and right now he was brushing his teeth, Dr Reichwein was already sleeping and Grimmer should be there in a few minutes. Nina asked about her mission, and told her she missed her and she heard her smile and with her sweet voice she told her that her mission could end in a few weeks. When Tenma yawned through the phone, Nina suggested to end the call so she could get some rest, letting her urge to question Tenma about Grimmer, die and bury in her stomach. No. She shouldn’t worry her with anything. After all this was a matter of them, wasn’t it? Yes, this was between Nina and Grimmer, and no one else.
She kissed Dieter’s head when he came to her bedroom to say goodnight and after making sure Dieter was sleeping, she sat on her desk reading the upcoming cases in the court.
She gasped when she heard the keys and the front door opening a few minutes later. She heard careful movement in the kitchen, as if he didn’t want to make so much noise. Nina smiled and focused again on her reading.
Maybe she didn’t focus that much because she ended up sleeping on her forearms. She woke up suddenly and wiped the saliva off the corners of her mouth. She checked on her clock and it was almost midnight. After a stretch, she felt thirsty . Again .
She opened her bedroom door and froze when she noticed that Grimmer’s door was open and giving a quick look, she was surprised that he wasn’t there. Nina walked downstairs and her jaw dropped slightly when she found him on the couch, the TV was on but muted. Her heart clenched, but this time she knew she wouldn’t let him sleep there.
“Go back to sleep, Meine Süße."
Nina felt her heart in her throat and stopped abruptly when she had the strong intention of waking him up.
“Why are you sleeping here?” Nina sounded demanding, motherly. “It’s chilly and you’ll catch a cold.”
Grimmer sat on the couch and rested his elbows on his knees, looking down at his feet. Nina stood there, frowning and resisting the urge to cross her arms.
“I don’t want to have more nightmares.” He answered, smiling sadly.
Nina took a step forward
And you know that I’d swing with you in the fences
Sit with you in the trenches
“You’ve seen the worst of me and understood me better than anybody else.” She said with a trembling voice. “I can do the same.”
Grimmer didn’t look at her. His eyes were glued to the floor and his mind lost somewhere else. And Nina didn’t want to give up, not when he himself didn’t give up on her either, not when he cleaned the mud from her face, not when he brushed her wet hair, not when he made the Thing go away.
“Everytime I close my eyes I see him.” He said, softly.
She didn’t have to ask who.
“He's there. Every single time. And I can’t do anything. He’s never breathing. I see how life fades away from his eyes, how his eyes stop shining. How he pales, how he stops breathing and I just… stand there.”
When he started crying she rushed and hugged him. He was sitting so she could easily press her face to his head and rest her cheek against his hair. She pulled him a little bit closer and pressed his head against her chest. Nina let him cry, and she herself could feel her eyes stinging for the tears that started to form. Her hands rubbed Grimmer’s back up and down. He remained still as a stone without moving. Just letting the tears fall down.
And once his cry stopped, she felt his body losing his tenses. She pulled back and let go of him. There wasn’t something she could say now, nothing that could make him feel better. She lost her parents, but losing a child… that shouldn’t happen, a father shouldn’t bury his son. Grimmer’s grief could last the rest of his life, but during it, he hadn’t to be alone. Tenma was there of course, but Nina was there too.
“When my parents died, Tenma told me I should focus on my future.” Nina said, stroking his back. “I confess I didn’t even consider that at the moment, and I confess I was blinded by my rage. Losing a parent or a child at first feels like having something dead inside, a piece of necrotic skin that kills the living flesh. It consumes you inside out. I don’t think I could ever recover from losing my parents, and I don’t think you’d ever be able to forget about your son. At the end it’s not dead skin, it’s a cut that will always hurt if you press on it. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sadness is a part of me. And part of you. We can’t erase the sadness. You just learn to live with it like a traveling companion.”
Grimmer silenced for a whole minute. She feared she might have talked a little too much. She feels almost like regretting, scared that she might have said something wrong, but then he slipped away from her hug and stood up from the couch. Nina was confused but then he just pulled her and embraced her. She obviously hugged him back, gripping his t-shirt and burying her face on his chest. His right hand stroked her hair tenderly and his left arm rounded her waist.
“I’m sorry I made you feel so left out.” He apologized. “I didn’t know.”
Nina smiled and closed her eyes, tightening her arms around him. She didn’t have to say anything else, it was not necessary now. « He was enough »
“Tenma will know about this.” Nina warned playfully with a chuckle. “Your girlfriend will know you made me cry.”
Grimmer snorted, holding a laugh trapped in his throat. Then he pulled back and cupped her face between his hands before placing a tender and quick kiss on her cheek. Nina smiled with flushed cheeks before eyeing the couch.
“I’m being serious, don't sleep there, you’ll catch a cold.”
Grimmer looked at the couch, nonchalantly and then looked at her again.
“Wanna see a movie?”
Nina tried to hold a smile.
“Tomorrow I have to wake up early because Dieter has a soccer game… Of course I want to.”
Dr Reichwein scolded both of them because they ended up falling asleep on the couch and both of them got sick the next morning.
I’d give you my sunshine, give you my best
…
Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?