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She wasn’t certain how it occurred or how it was even feasible to develop feelings for Johnny. Initially, they couldn't tolerate one another, but now she wouldn't be able to bear it if he weren't close by, although he always is. They continue to squabble like a long-married couple, as if they’ve been acquainted for ages. Perhaps it’s simply him gradually replacing her memories that’s causing her to feel nostalgic and melancholic, or perhaps she’s genuinely falling in love.
Is it purely platonic, possibly romantic, or perhaps something strange in the middle? She’s uncertain now and too scared to discover, to confront those emotions directly. Everything's a chaotic tangle now, much like a ball of yarn, and she doesn't know how to start sorting it out. She likely won't manage it, as she'll have to cut some sections, but she's too scared to do that. “We're a tangled web, you and me - one and the same.” One being, one entity, one soul. Her mind only adds to her confusion as she attempts to determine which thoughts and feelings belong to whom.
She remembers numerous discussions where their remarks approached confessions; perhaps she was simply overanalyzing, searching too deeply for meaning when she was meant to interpret it literally.
“Seconds later, feels like I'm missing something - something really important. Then I realize you're there, always were, and this stupid wave of relief washes over me.”
What did those words signify, he gazed at her with adoration. As if he were a man in love. Perhaps it's instinctive and unavoidable for her to develop feelings for someone like Johnny. She always had poor judgment when it came to men. She observes Johnny standing in front of her, perched on the edge of her coffee table, a cigarette held by his metallic fingers. He inhales and gazes at her, causing her heart to race.
He offers her a knowing smile, looking stunning, almost otherworldly. “I know, I’m just perfect aren’t I.” He grins at her while still inhaling from his cigarette.
“You're a dick, y’know.”
“And you're a cunt. Maybe we'll fit together after all?” Those words only confuse her further.
“You’re gonna overheat with all that thinking you’re doing.”
She remains silent, her thoughts are chaotic, and she’s fighting to escape, even from her own ideas and his. She exhales deeply, sensing a headache beginning to emerge. She lies down on her bed, her left arm shielding her eyes.
“No need to put a title on it Y’know? Whatever this is, not like anything can really come from it. We’re essentially intertwined, I’m you and you’re me.”
He’s right, but that’s not what she wished to hear. If only there were a method to remove him from her, to correctly return him so they could attempt to resolve whatever this situation is between them. She must discover a means, a remedy, or something quickly. Otherwise, there will be nothing she can accomplish. This is something that’s not just important to her but to him as well.
“It was. But not more important than you.” His tone soft holding something akin to affection.
“You’re not making this easier for me, Johnny.” It’s his turn to stay silent.
As she attempts to navigate her thoughts, it only adds to her confusion; perhaps he's correct, there's no need for a label. Even if it did happen, what would occur if she were to die? No outcome could arise from this. She can't kiss him properly, they can't truly have sex or go on proper dates. Tears begin to well up in her eyes.
Her heart is a jumble; if there's one thing she regrets in life, it's certainly not this; she wouldn't regret him or the chance to know him. Even though he frequently annoys her to no end. She shifts her arm from her eyes and notices him watching her, his cigarette tossed aside. A yearning expression in his eyes aimed at her makes her feel captivated by that glance.
Who is she fooling now? She's in love. The sentiments they wish to convey cannot be articulated aloud, yet both sense it and can hear it within their minds. It will suffice for now, yet a part of her will forever yearn for more, just like he does. For the time being, she won't pursue it, they won’t gain anything from it.
Even if they make any statements, they would merely be empty assurances, commitments that they shouldn't offer since there's no certainty to uphold them. That idea pains her deeper than anything else, more than losing Jackie. She longs to embrace Johnny, desires so much more. However, Johnny is correct; she recalls a previous discussion they had. “A happy ending? For folks like us? Wrong city, wrong people.”
This will likely remain what it is—an unfortunate conclusion, a tale lost to time, about unremembered individuals, fading recollections, merely dust floating in the breeze. However, she has him for the moment, and she'll cling onto him for as long as possible. She’s hopelessly devoted to him, and it will continue to intensify until it becomes unbearable to hold back.
They maintain their gaze as unspoken words hover at the edge of their lips. Lips that can’t kiss or speak sweet nothings, yet they sense it inside.
“Still feel a sharp somethin' near your heart.”
“Doubt that's ever goin' away.” She smiles gently as she speaks. He knows what that sharp somethin’ is.
Devotion. Just another name for love.