Chapter Text
I needed to get away from all of the drama, the negativity and the feuds. It's not that I don't care about the other Avengers, but sometimes I am so overwhelmed that I need to take a little break. Although, I think think there's less arguing and less feuds now but everyone is still struggling with PTSD. I don't know what we would do without Sam. He's a great therapist or counselor, or whatever they call it these days. He's a better therapist than some of those so-called "licensed" "professionals", who take people's money but don't do much to help them and just tell them to come to their own conclusions or find the answers on their own because "we're not allowed to give you advices". Like, what the fuck are we paying them for? And if we ask them for answers and advices, maybe that's because we didn't have the answers or didn't know where to find them.
But therapists need therapists too, apparently. Sam was helping us, but was getting help himself. He too experienced PTSD, which is not surprising after what he experienced in the Air Force, when he was seeing graphic injuries and when he lost his ex-lover, Ronald Riley, who was killed by an RPG during a standard PJ rescue Op. And I'm not even talking about all the traumatic horrors he's seen ever since he became Captain America, including the infinity war and the battle of Earth. He lost someone dear to him, but he has me now. He will get through the challenges ahead. He's not alone anymore (also, I'm glad he met Steve and Nat when he did and developed a friendship with them) and I'm not going to leave him. I love him and I would do anything in the world for him. Speaking of Sam meeting Steve and Nat, I'm starting to think that it was not an accident. I think there are forces in the universe that bring people who were fated to meet together. What were the odds that Sam would meet the only person who really cared about me back then, the only person I could trust and count on? What were the odds that Sam would meet my then only friend? And it's Sam's first meeting with Steve that eventually brought Sam and I together after they rescued me from the clutches of Hydra. I'm certainly not saying that everything is fate, but I'd like to think that this definitely was fate.
It's Sam who suggested I write a journal. He also suggested we all write a journal. He taught us breathing and grounding exercises and gave us writing prompts. He also told us that from time to time, we should all write a journal entry about how you always need to have hope in dark situations and faith in your friends. He also added that from time to time we should write a letter to a friend or a family member and that we don't need to send it, we can just tear it to pieces and flush it down the toilet or burn it and the goal of the exercise is to release trauma, anger and sadness. We really need this after what we've just been through during the infinity war and the battle of Earth, not to mention what we're still going through in the aftermath. We're still dealing with post-blip depression.
And we need Sam more than ever before. I hate that we're all clinging to Sam like a drowning man cling to a life saver when he has to deal with his own PTSD and trauma and I don't want us to make things more difficult for him but I can understand why people are drawn to him when they're suffering. His heart is pure, a heart of empathy and compassion, he's a good listener and he made it his number one goal in life to help people. He radiates kindness, like no other; he's a true gem we're lucky to have! And I feel lucky that he's my husband, even though our love was written in the stars. If I didn't believe in soumates before, I do now.
After we defeated Thanos, the 616 atomized infinity stones were restored to their physical state long enough to bring our two friends back to life and it's possible that the stones were then reverted to their atomized form in order to keep them (save one who need to be immediately used in the face of a threat coming from the multiverse) that way to prevent them from falling into the wrong hands again. We don't know who did this and where the stones are, but I suspect it was Stephen Strange who did this, I think his powers of sorcery include the transmutation of matter, although I think it's in the best interest of everyone and our universe if people remain ignorant about the return of the 616 infinity stones and as for me I'm just going to trust Stephen and trust that he knows what he's doing. All I know is that after Thanos was defeated, the infinity stones had mercy on us and brought Natasha and Tony back to life. They realized that without the Avengers not only would they have been used by Thanos to permanently erase half of all people on every planet in our universe but also Thanos eventually would have wiped out ALL life in our universe permanently and then recreated our universe to his liking and created new life who would know nothing about the old world and about what Thanos did to its inhabitants so they would be "thankful" and he could be worshipped as "the creator of all things". It was his plan all along. It was only a matter of time before people revolted against him, even if there had been no Avengers, but from what I gathered those people's chances of winning without us were zero even with a strong fighter. He was counting on people revolting against him so he could create his own world. He was an insane psycho.
I bet the infinity stones, especially the soul stone, were far from thrilled when they discovered that not only did Thanos enslaved them to do his bidding, but also deceived them. Thanos claimed he "loved" his sister Gamora and shed a few crocodile tears, but he murdered her, she didn't jump of her own volition. He DIDN'T love anyone or anything. Not only did he murder his sister, he also tortured her friends. When you love someone you don't murder them and torture their friends, that's NOT love. By deceit and treachery he acquired the soul stone. Pretty sure the stone felt relieved that they were free from him and that our universe had not been destroyed and re-molded to fit Thanos' insane, twisted view of what our world should be like. After our stones brought Nat and Tony back to life, Steve returned the stones from the other timelines to where they came from. When it was all over, we gathered to talk about what we were going to do next. Tony had plans to rebuild the Avengers Compound. And we decided to get much needed rest for a time, even though we talked about what we could do going forward.
Steve passed down the shield to Sam. He was contemplating staying in the past with Peggy Carter, but decided against it. After all, who in their right mind, after experiencing our modern era would choose to go back to the 40s? I know I wouldn't, and I'm pretty sure most people wouldn't. Not just because I wouldn't want to re-live something as traumatic as the second world war, but also because life in the 21st century is the easiest life humans have ever experienced. The age of advanced medicine, science and technology, rapid information sharing, and significant societal changes like women's rights, disability benefits rights, voting rights for all, children's rights, veterans's rights and LGBT rights, only to name a few, not to mention that the Civil Rights Project at Harvard University says that desegregation of U.S. public schools peaked in 1988. And despited the bigoted attitude of the few racist, homophobic and biphobic folks, interracial marriage and same-sex marriage are now legal, and I'm married to the most amazing gay black man on the planet and he also happens to be the new Captain America.
Also our modern era has better hygiene, better sanitation, better vaccines, and a lot of curable diseases that they couldn't cure in the 40s can now be cured and there are new vaccines to prevent those diseases. Not to mention that we have prosthetics for disabled people and amputees, better medicine, better organ transplant teachnology. The first successful organ transplant was a kidney transplant and it didn't happen until 1954, so those people's chances of surviving were better in the 50s than in the 40s, but until the early 1980s, the potential of organ rejection limited the number of transplants performed. Medical advances in the prevention and treatment of rejection led to more successful transplants and an increase in demand. I got those informations about organ transplant from a conversation I had with Doctor Strange. Also in our modern era, we have air conditioning, cell phones, microwaves, washing machines, ovens, meat in grocery stores (in the Developed world, we don't have to hunt our food), better electric heating, better education, better music, better movies and entertainment and so much more.
People have a better life expectancy now because of advanced medicine, science and technology. Because of this and so much more, one would be nuts to want to go back to the 40s. Not to mention that women basically didn't have all that many rights back then. Women were segregated from men in the workplace, were paid less than men for the same work back in those days, and minority women faced discrimination and dislocation. Dislocation refers to a disruption or displacement from a familiar context or state, often resulting in feelings of estrangement and fragmentation. This concept is especially relevant in understanding how individuals and communities experience trauma, as it encapsulates the feeling of being uprooted from one's normal life, leading to challenges in recovery and healing. Women didn't have reproductive rights, and it was nigh impossble for a woman to divorce her spouse and divorce in the U.S.A. was complicated by the need to prove fault for violence (there are ways to hit someone without leaving a mark) and for the breakdown of the marriage (proving dispute or how it affected people's mental health, especially considering how knowledge of mental illness was primitive back in the 40s) and so on and so forth. Basically, except during war time when women were called to help men, women in the 40s were treated as second-class citizens and baby-making machines for the men. Also, women still faced barriers to accessing credit, bank accounts, and mortgages without a male co-signer. In 1974, the Equal Credit Opportunity Act prohibited creditors from discrimination against women based on sex. Women of color faced additional barriers to property ownership, which were not fully adressed until the 1960s.
I found most of that information online (I got some of the medical informations from a conversation with Doctor Strange) as I spent time researching that stuff in between missions with the Avengers. I still do research on this kind of stuff once in a while to improve my knowledge on these topics. It's a bit easier for me to focus now that I have a clear head and that I don't have to worry about being mind-controlled and used to kill people, now that I'm no longer subjected to mind-rape. For two years I lived in Wakanda without a prosthetic arm. However, in 2018, after T'challa was warned by the Avengers that Thanos' army was coming, he visited me at my remote hut and he gave me a new Vibranium prosthetic arm that had been designed by Shuri. That prosthetic arm was stolen, but I acquired another Vibranium arm, identical to my previous Vibranium arm, and wore it in my day to day life.
The battle of Earth was over, we went home and we were going to get much needed rest. I felt that it was finally over. Though, I knew that after this we were all going to have PTSD and nightmares, including myself. As if what I had experienced at the hands of Hydra wasn't enough, I was now mentally and emotionally scarred by the infinity war, the battle of Earth and other horrors I saw after I was brought back by Bruce's snap. Not to mention the sheer horror and trauma I experienced when I recalled what had happened to my husband. I was standing alongside my best friend, Steve Rogers, in Wakanda, when Thanos snapped his fingers, and Steve and I saw Sam Wilson disintegrate into ash in front of us. I saw my husband disintegrate into ash right in front of me. I don't know how long it took Steve to calm me down after this. I am sure at least half of the people left in Wakanda heard me wailing and sobbing as I nearly went mad with grief. A moment later, I disintegrated into ash myself, it was a mercy that I was among the blipped as I did not have to go through five years of grief and suffering over the loss of my husband. I know that some other people weren't this lucky. Also, I don't want to start thinking about how the suicide rate probably increased when some people were driven mad with grief after their loved ones were blipped. I don't want to think about what people went through during those five years. If I start thinking about it, I feel like I'm going to have another episode of PTSD or a panic attack. But at the same time, I feel like I have a duty to find out what they've been through during those five years and do everything I can to help them whenever I can.
I'm just glad Sam disintegrated into ash first, at least he was spared from seeing me, his husband, disintegrate into ash in front of him. He has suffered so much already, I'm glad he was at least spared this pain. Sam was gone for five years and I'm pretty sure the world was a dark, gloomy and sad place without him in it, and I'm glad I was spared the fate of living in this world without him for five long years. When I woke up after Bruce snapped his fingers, it was as if only a few seconds had passed for me, not five years. But when I recalled seeing my husband disintegrating into ash in front of me and I was told that five years had passed but everyone had been brought back, I threw myself into my husband's arms and I was so relieved and happy to see him alive. That doesn't mean that I don't respect Steve's choice not to stay in the past with Peggy, his choice to accept that Peggy is dead and that he's ready to move on and eventually start a relationship with another woman. He gave the shield to Sam and made Sam the new Captain America after he retired from the position after all these years, but he said we could drop by his house if we just want to hang out like in the good old days. Also, Sam is my husband and he and Steve are friends just like Steve and I. We both saw Sam disintegrating into ash. This traumatic event is a shared experience between Steve and I and we discussed the aftermath, including the loss of Sam and we will probably bring it up again at some point in the future.
I woke up in the middle of the night screaming and crying after having another nightmare about Sam disintegrating into ash in front of me. Sam held me under the covers and told me that he was okay. He kept talking to me. His natural scent and the sound of his voice calmed me down softly. He wiped my tears away. And as always, he managed to make me smile. He smiled back at me. Then he kissed me and tenderly made love to me. We fell asleep in each other's arms. I was so glad we had each other, especially when we had episodes of PTSD and nightmares. Sam has been giving us group therapy, but he said that it would take some time to overcome this. He said that it'll take time and patience, but eventually we will heal. What happened with Thanos is never going to happen again, what a relief. Steve took the stones from other timelines back to where they came from. Thanos atomized the 616 infinity stones and if Stephen Strange is keeping them safe (which I'm pretty sure he is) as well as our universe with his powers of sorcery including the transmutation of matter which can switch an infinity stone from atomes to matter and matter to atome (my money is on him, I wouldn't be surprised at all if the 616 stones were under his protection at the moment), then the stones are definitely safe. Also, Tony destroyed the time travel tech and wiped it from Friday's archives. It's over. And now we can finally start to heal.
Clint and Natasha came to visit us, Sam and I. Clint was depressed. His wife, Laura, found out that he went on a killing spree in her absence and killed criminals when she and the kids were blipped instead of turning them over to the authorities and that put a strain on their relationship. While all of the Avengers have probably killed criminals at some time or another, being a superhero and fighting crime sometimes to the death is very different than actively pursuing criminals with the intent of killing them. His wife clearly had issues with him being a serial killer, she asked him for a divorce. She told him that he could get visitations with the kids, Lila, Cooper and Nathaniel, if he went to therapy and provided evidence beyond reasonable doubt that he has changed. Clint was depressed and devastated. He regretted everything. He said he would continue to attend Sam's group therapy. And Sam and I agreed to help him put his life back together after the divorce. Because he wanted to change and make amend for his past wrongs, we decided to help him. He wanted to atone for his past wrongs as best he could and he wanted to have a page full of worthy deeds in the "white book". Sam and I helped him. And he had Natasha who was helping and supporting him too. It seems that these two are inseparable. That was a good thing because Clint was going to need all the help and support he could get as he put his life back on track and redeemed himself.
Natasha was assured of our help and support as well. She was struggling with PTSD too, and she was doing her best to keep it together for Clint's sake. When Clint saw how exhausted she was, he told her to get some rest. Natasha looked at him as if she wasn't sure that she could leave him alone for fear that he would hurt himself. Sam and I reassured her and told her that we would keep an eye on Clint and she left to get some rest. It would take time but he would redeem himself because he was willing to do the work and because therapy and a good support system would get him through this and help him. After taking a nap, Nat kept an eye on Clint so Sam and I could get some rest too. Sam and I didn't feel the need to nap, so we just relaxed, drank some tea, and watched television. Then about an hour later, Sam received a phone call from Peter Parker. Anthony Stark was not doing well and Peter was worried about him. He begged us to come on over to Tony's cabin and help Tony. I turned the TV off. Sam handed me my coat with a loving smile that I returned. Then we left for Tony's cabin.