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Matt is three when his parents tell him he’s going to be a big brother. At the time he remembers being excited, thrilled to have another kid around all the time to play with, it got even better when his parents moved them into the house. There Matt’s room was bigger, and they had a yard, everything was amazing. He remembers looking at his mother as she grew, being amazed that she was making his sibling in her, he was even more excited when he learned that he would have a brother.
Matt had just turned four when Wayne was born, an ugly pink mess, loud and demanding. He hated his brother from the moment he came home, he hated how he wasn’t allowed to play with him because he was too rough, he hated how Wayne took his parents attention, how sad his mother got after he was born. She cried just as much as Wayne did, Matt tried to cheer her up but nothing seemed to work, no amount of funny faces Matt would pull would make her smile, he felt helpless for the first time.
His father was away from home more, and his mother was always stressed and upset. Matt tried to help his mom, followed her around to watch as she took care of Wayne, even started helping after a while. He’d help her prepare the bottles, stand at her side with wipes as she changed him, he just wanted her to be okay again.
She’d look down at him, a smile spread over her face and she would pinch his cheek and tell him. “Oh Matty, you're such a good helper. Mommy loves you.” He did it for her, anything to help his mother.
When Matt is six he starts school, he hates it. He hates the teachers and how hard the work is, hated how the other kids didn’t struggle as much as he did. His parents are called to the school because of it, his teacher tells them that she’s worried he’s not where he should be, that he’s not on track with his peers. He didn’t understand what that had meant at the time, or why it made his parents so mad. His mother cried and his father chastised the teacher, telling her nothing is wrong with his son, that she needed to do her job better.
Matt continues to struggle with school through the years, each year the teachers try less and less to talk to his parents because nothing would change. His parents would refuse to acknowledge that anything was wrong with him, they told Matt he just needed to try harder which always just made him mad. Matt did try, he tried so hard to be better at school, he hated being in the ‘slow’ classes, hated how the other kids would laugh at him. But no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t catch up, so he’d get angry and fight back against the kids at school, which his parents hated just as much.
Each time after a fight one of them would come down to be chastised themselves by the teachers or the principal about his violence, then he’d get home and be yelled at for it. His life felt like a never ending cycle of anger.
When Matt is eight Wayne follows him around everywhere, it pisses him off, like Wayne was a piece of gum stuck to his shoe. Wayne was four so he followed Matt everywhere, no matter where he went Wayne was there, and no matter how many times Matt yelled at him or pushed him Wayne always got up and continued following him. His mother yells at him, tells him to be nicer to his brother, that he just wants to be around him and he cares about him. Matt couldn’t care less, Wayne was annoying, he clung to her just as much as he did with Matt. And when his mother would leave Wayne would sob, sitting by the window crying banging his stupid head on the glass, then he’d sit in front of Matt’s door crying begging to come inside.
Matt is nine when his mother leaves, loud voices in the hall wake him up in the middle of the night. It’s his parents, fighting again, it had been getting worse. Another thing he hated Wayne for, because before Wayne his parents were happy, before Wayne they never fought. He crept out of his bed and peeked through the door, he could see his fathers face, red and angry like a monster.
“How the fuck can you do this?” His father asks, his mother shakes her head, hands in the air as she walks away from him, his father reaches for her wrist grabbing it. He watches his mother rear her head and slap his father with her other hand, Matt flinches, tears rolling out of his eyes. He backs away from the door, running back to his bed as he can hear them yell, he covers his ears with his hands, eyes tightly shut until he feels something tugging his shirt. His eyes open wide, it’s Wayne, his brother is standing in front of him sobbing, his face beet red, his mouth is moving but Matt can’t hear him. He uncovers his ears to listen to him.
“I’m scared, Matty.” Matt is too, and for the first time he sets his hate for Wayne aside and lets him into his bed where Wayne latches onto him. Each time his parents got louder Wayne would flinch, covering his own ears to protect against the sounds but it’s not working. Matt unclasps his own ears and uses his hands to cover Wayne’s smaller ears, he listens to the fighting while Wayne sleeps latched onto him. Matt doesn’t sleep that night, he just lays there until the front door slams and the house is silent.
He’d learned that night that his mother was gone, left with some other guy, some other kid that wasn’t even hers. His mother left him alone for someone else, he didn’t hate Wayne as much anymore because he hated her the most. From that night on he resented her, he resented her for leaving and not taking him, for not calling, for leaving him with Wayne and his dad. He hates her so much. He hates how as he grows people tell him he looks just like her, that he has her face, the face of the woman he hates so much.
Even as he lays in the hospital bed, having been shot in combat, the doctors ask who they can call, they tell him he’ll need support while he recovers. “I have no one, no family.” He tells the doctor, who doesn’t seem fazed, it makes sense really. Most of the people he worked with in the military left behind shitty lives, abusive families, or having no family at all.
Nearly dying made Matt think about his life, he thinks about the people in his life he’s left behind, the ones he’s hurt. He thinks about Annette whom he cared about so much, and that he knows he hurt her, but he still cares about her, still thinks about her. He thinks about his father who despite it all stayed, he stayed and tried so hard, but Matt was wounded by his mother and he made things difficult, he can at least admit that much.
But then he thinks about Wayne, his little brother. He lays in his bed one night thinking about that week his father was gone, Matt was pissed he had to watch him. He wanted to sneak out and see Annette, they’d been on a rough patch and he wanted to make it up to her. Matt did indeed sneak out, even if Wayne had seen him leave he knew his brother wouldn’t say or do anything, Wayne was scared of him, it used to be something Matt was proud of. But things didn’t go as planned, he got into an argument with Annette and she broke up with him, Matt went back home pissed.
He feels shame thinking about how he hurt his brother, the bruises he had given him. And when Wayne fought back and what he did, pushing him down those stairs, he remembers how scared he felt looking at his brother laying there, not moving. He called the paramedics and told them some bullshit, but they knew what really happened and he could see it on their faces. He stayed home while they took Wayne, he sat on the stairs staring at the small puddle of blood Wayne left on the floor.
It broke Matt, that fucking puddle broke him, he sobbed. The flood gates had opened, he sat on the steps sobbing his hands over his face, wailing nearly ten years of pain out of him. He was still on the stairs when his father came home, the same red angry look on his face as he looked at Matt.
“Get out.” His fathers voice drips with hatred, it’s like a whip to the face, Matt flinches from it.
“Dad-” He starts but his father cuts him off.
“I said get the fuck out! Leave this fucking house!” His father yells at him, the tears come back, stinging at his eyes.
“Dad, cmon. Please I’m sorry, okay I’m so fucking sorry!” He yells back, his father is walking towards the kitchen Matt not being too far behind, his father grabs a bottle of scotch.
“Matt it’s too fucking late for sorry, too fucking late for you to fucking apologize. You almost killed him, the doctor said he flatlined on the table, he was dead. You almost killed your own brother, and for what?” He doesn’t know what to say, he can’t form the words. “For what! Tell me what was so fucking bad you tried to kill your brother.”
“It wasn’t on purpose! I didn’t want to kill him, I fucking swear!” His father steps towards him, grabs him by the scruff of hair on the back of his neck and levels his face with Matt’s.
“I tried Matt, I know I’m not perfect, but I tried. But tonight you nearly killed him, tonight I nearly lost both of my fucking sons because your mad. Your mad at life, at your mom, me, and I’m fucking done with it. If you don’t leave this fucking house I will make you and thats a fucking promise.”
And he did, he left. He enlisted, and now he’s here laying in a bed with a bullet in him listening to his heartbeat on a machine next to him thinking about his life. When he gets back to the U.S he’s informed of his fathers death, but he’s still not well enough to go back home. They tell him he still needs to do physical therapy, and he does, he slams through each session with a renewed vigor. He almost died, and with his wound they’re not sure if he can go back into action, so he does his therapy.
Two months later he gets back to Brockton, when he visits his house there's nothing there, just ashes are left behind. He goes to the garage his father worked at and one of the only men his father was close to told him everything. About how his father got sick, lost his legal case, about how Wayne seemed to take care of him nearly full time. He feels shame again, his brother took care of their father while he was dying, he should have been here, should have helped.
When he visits his fathers grave for the first time he sits on the ground in front of it, still covered in snow, and he sobs, looking at the head stone he sobs into his hands. The last time he saw his father he’d hated him, his father looked at him like he was scum, and Matt never got to make it better, he hates himself nearly as much as he hates his mother. He goes to the police department and asks to talk to someone about his brother, Geller himself comes out and greets him over the case.
Geller tells him everything, about how Wayne ran off with some girl, how he stole a car, how he ended up in the hospital and now is in juvie. He feels a new sense of rage when Geller tells him about his mother, about how her husband tried to attack Wayne, who had tracked them down to get their dads old car, and how his son had tried to kill Wayne.
Just the mention of his mother sets his blood on fire, when he was younger he loved her so much, would have done anything he could to make her happy. But as he looks back at it now he understands the truth, his parents were never happy, they married when she was pregnant with him and tried to make it work for him. Then Wayne came along and they again tried to make it work for both of their sons, but he knows now that they didn’t love each other, not the way parents should. He knows that they were doomed from the beginning, it would have ended eventually, he just took his anger out on Wayne because it’s all his nine year old brain could rationalize.
“Ya know.” Geller starts, Matt looks at him. He gives him this look, like the look his father would give him sometimes, a fond caring look. “He needs someone to help him, to show him a way. He needs guidance, I think he can do it on his own, but you could help him.” Matt scoffs.
“Look, I’m a fucking mess. Taking guidance from me is like the blind leading the blind, won’t end great is what I’m saying.” Geller nods
“But you're here. You came all the way here for him, for your father too, but for him. You could make things right, could help him now. He has no one son, he’s all alone dealing with this pain.” He hates how he feels after he leaves the station, the guilt curdling in his stomach.
He schedules a visit the next day, and he gets to the center two days later. His palms are sweaty as he waits outside with the others, mostly parents wearing these sad looks. Matt is terrified, what if Wayne still hates him, what if he refuses to see him, he feels a twinge of pain in his leg again. The therapist said the pain could last forever, he only really feels twinges here and there, but he spent most of his life fighting in one way or another he knew he could take a little pain.
The visit with Wayne goes amazing, he’s shocked by how grown his brother is, how he matured, that he was already leagues ahead of how Matt was at his age. When he looks at Wayne he sees their father, but not just in his face but in the way he acts. Their father hated injustices, something Matt used to think he was weak for and he hated Wayne for being just like their father in that sense. But now it’s like a comfort, that at least one of them got the good parts of their parents, not that he could say his mother had any good parts.
When Matt finds out he won’t be allowed back in action he’s shocked by how relieved he feels, he’d wanted it so bad, but seeing Wayne again and finally having a relationship with him had already started changing his mind. So when they tell him his injury is just too dramatic to let him back, that they plan to honorably discharge him, he takes it as a new lease on life.
And when he meets Del for the first time he gets why Wayne likes her, she’s fierce and protective, she nearly fights him for standing at the grave of a man she’d never even met. And when he tells her who he is she looks like she wants to rip him apart, which he understands, she looks like he’s handed her a life line when he hands her Wayne’s Valentine.
And months later, just days before his brother's birthday, Wayne nervously comes to him in the kitchen and asks him about their mother, Matt nearly chokes on his own tongue. “Why?” He asks his brother, who flinches at his tone.
“I mean, why do you wanna talk about her? You met her, you know what she's like.” He asks again, this time softer. Wayne looks at him and all Matt can see is that little boy clutching to him while their parents fought.
“I guess I was thinking, like was she better back then? I mean was she different then or whatever.” He looks at his brother for a moment, studying him intently.
“No.” Matt says, Wayne looks him in the eyes waiting. Like he’s expecting Matt to change his story, Matt sighs walking over to the couch, running his hands over his face. “Sit down.” He tells his brother, who’s next to him in an instant.
“What do you wanna know?” Wayne shrugs at him.
“Everything, I didn’t even remember her.” Matt sighs.
“Mom and dad got married when they were pregnant with me, and I remember them being okay. Back then I thought the way they were was normal, mostly because we had no other family around, no cousins or aunts and uncles. And we lived in this shitty apartment then and I had no other kids to play with, so I didn’t have anyone around to compare our family with.” Matt starts explaining, and Wayne just looks immersed.
“I wouldn’t find this out till I was fourteen but mom fucked over her whole family, like when she was seventeen she stole her dads car and wrecked it, her dad got her off the charge and a few weeks later she ran away. Dad never said why, and I never reached out to them at all, shit who even knows if they know we're even here or alive for that point. And dads parents weren’t much better, his dad died when he was seventeen but I guess he was a factory worker, and they came directly from Ireland after the second war. Dad was born in ‘57 and he had an older brother and a younger sister. But I guess his brother died when he was a kid from something and I don’t know where his sister is. He never really talked about her.” Wayne nods.
“Dad never told me any of this.” He whispers.
“Dad only told me this shit because he was drunk, and I asked. I’d had this stupid fucking family tree thing for school and the teacher wouldn’t let up about any of it, so I asked him when he was half deep into a bottle and he just let it all lose. Dad hated talking about the past, hated digging up shit that he wanted left buried which I understand now more.” He tells Wayne.
“But they weren’t normal Wayne, they fought all the time, even though they hid it well enough before you were born, but looking back at it I remember certain times when it was obvious. When you were born I’m pretty sure she got postpartum depression, it wasn’t that she was even sad she was just like a zombie. She would lay in bed all day, I would try to help her but it didn’t work, and dad would be gone for days or even a week sometimes for work. She got better after a couple months.” He looks over at Wayne who looks raw with emotion, his brother is looking down at his lap, fists clenched tightly.
“Do you think she loved us?” The question is like a bullet, getting shot had hurt less than the pain he feels at the question. Because Matt isn’t even sure, he’d stayed up too many nights thinking about that question when he was younger.
“I think she did, once in her life at least.” He starts, he tries to remember the good parts of his mother, but for every good memory there are at least a dozen bad ones behind it. “You have her hair, you know.” He finally says, smiling down at Wayne who looks at him puzzled.
“She’s blonde.” He says, Matt shakes his head laughing
“Nope, mom had true jet black hair. It’s the Sicilian in her, the one thing she would brag about all the time was how we were italian, I mean shit I’m just glad neither of us got her nose.” Matt laughs. “She wasn’t all bad, okay. Like she used to make breakfast on the weekends for us, and when she drove around with us she would sing. Like really loud, and she was shit but it always made us both laugh, which was why she did it. You had a lot of nightmares when you were a kid, I think it was that you caught dad watching a scary movie and it fucked you up. She would sit in bed with you until you went to sleep, I remember feeling jealous but I never really had that many nightmares.” Wayne laughs a little under his breath.
“It sucked when I was growing up, people always told me I looked like mom. But everyone always thought you looked like dad, I would get so pissed, but then I saw a picture of dad when he was younger and sure shit, could’ve been a copy of him.” Wayne smiles more.
“Do you remember when she left?” Matt sighs again, clenching his own fists this time. Of course he remembered, he could recall everything about that night like that happened yesterday. But did Wayne need to know? Did he need to know she and dad yelled and fought all night, that when Matt willed the courage to leave his room, Wayne tucked in his bed sound asleep, he saw broken plates on the floor along with pictures that were once the wall. Did Wayne need to know that Matt found his father in the kitchen, knuckles bruised, head resting on his closed hands with an empty bottle on the table. The holes in the wall would be easy to fix, and so would the plates, but the look on his fathers face was something else. When his father noticed him standing there, shaking like a leaf, he looked distraught.
“C’mere Matty.” His father gestured, Matt was there in a second arms wrapped around his father. “We’ll be okay.” He kept telling him, but Matt knew better, nothing would be normal again.
“Yeah, I do.” Wayne looks at him, a hopeful look in his eye.
“Did she say goodbye?” Matt wants to lie, tell his brother that there was some heartfelt goodbye where she promised shit she never followed up on. But he decides to take a page out of Wayne’s book, to be truthful.
“No.” He tells his brother.
So on Wayne’s birthday, the first one he ever really truly celebrates with him he wants nothing more than for his brother to be happy. When he looks through the peephole of the door and sees his mother he feels dread, a heavy looming pit in his stomach, more than anything he feels like he’s nine years old again listening to his parents fight because his father found out she was sleeping around. He looks back at Del laying on the couch watching him instead of the playing movie, she nearly flinches from the look of his face which he can only imagine.
His hand hovers over the knob, his heart beating a mile per minute, his nerves are firing off on all cylinders. She knocks again making Matt flinch, he uses all the courage he has to place his hand on the door knob and turn it, and when he’s face to face with her again, his mother, he doesn’t know what to say. She looks so different than she did back then, her all black hair now blond, and the years haven taken a toll on her features. When he used to think about his mother he had a particular image, one of her looking down at her smiling so genuinely down at him telling him she loved him. But now as she smiles up at him, chin quivering he feels helpless and weak.
Matt still hates his mother but just for different reasons. He hates her for leaving, for breaking his dads heart, for raising another man's son instead of her own, and most importantly he hates her for what she’s done to Wayne. He used to think that the only good thing Wayne had going for him was that he couldn’t remember her, he couldn’t miss her if he had no memories of her. But then she went and created some with him, taking him shopping, hugging him, she gave him things to remember, things to miss.
“Oh my god, Matty.” She sobs out.