Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: you wanna hear the latest tabloid news
TG: been scrolling yappr today and oh man there is some good shit on here
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE ASKING ME IF I WANT TO HEAR IT. I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME A SUMMARY OF EVERYTHING YOU'VE BEEN READING FOR THE LAST THREE HOURS WHETHER I WANT YOU TO OR NOT.
TG: it hasnt been three hours
TG: two hours and thirty four minutes tops
TG: but yeah youre right im telling you lol its juicy okay youre gonna love this
CG: WHAT, DID VRISKA GET CANCELLED AGAIN?
CG: ARE ROSE AND KANAYA GETTING ANOTHER DIVORCE?
CG: DID *I* GET CANCELLED AGAIN?
TG: yes kind of and yes
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "KIND OF"?
TG: rose and kanaya are getting remarried obviously
CG: TO EACH OTHER OR TO OTHER PEOPLE?
TG: juries out on that one
TG: one person insists theyre back together but theres another with incredibly grainy photos of kanaya and someone who im pretty sure is just one of the trolls who works in the caverns with her
TG: but shes obviously getting married to that random person because they were seen together once
TG: and rose has been seen with a mysterious blonde woman
CG: OH, HAS SHE NOW?
TG: yeah and the real interesting thing is so have you
TG: apparently you left me for someone else
TG: and thats why nobody has seen or heard from me in a hot minute
TG: ive been wallowing in my post breakup grief all alone on a remote island or perhaps in my room who knows
TG: my room somewhere else because you kicked me out so your new lady could move in
CG: NATURALLY.
CG: AND NOT A SINGLE PERSON HAS SUGGESTED THAT MAYBE THE BLONDE WOMAN BOTH ROSE AND ME WERE SEEN WITH MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE SAME PERSON?
TG: babe you dont even know the half of it we are gettin there
TG: someone *did* suggest that and the thread popped the fuck off
TG: not sure how i feel about you being in a love quadrangle with my sister but i should really expect that shit at this point
CG: IS IT REALLY A LOVE QUADRANGLE WHEN HALF THE PEOPLE IN IT ARE YOU?
TG: not a single person has guessed the blonde woman is me
CG: WELL I GUESS YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO ACTUALLY COME OUT, THEN.
TG: naw i wanna see where this is going
TG: apparently you upgraded lol
TG: love being insulted and complimented at the same time
CG: THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU, YOU KNOW THAT?
TG: yup lol
TG: anyway thats it thats the news think im gonna actually get out of bed and shower now
CG: FUCKING FINALLY. I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU DOWNSTAIRS FOR AN OBNOXIOUSLY LONG AMOUNT OF TIME.
TG: thats your fault for gettin up early babe

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Chapter Text

There's fresh coffee waiting for you when you finally make your way downstairs. You know Karkat already made some for himself hours ago, and you would have had no problem drinking whatever cold sludge was leftover in the pot, but it's sweet he made some for you anyway.

"I think that was the longest shower you've ever taken by yourself," Karkat informs you while he hands you your coffee.

"Yeah, my hair takes so much longer to wash now. Really rude if you ask me. I gotta spend more time on it just because it's longer? Ridiculous."

"I doubt that's why you were in there for forty-five minutes."

"Forty-two and three seconds," you correct. "You didn't check your phone?"

He gives you a suspicious look as he pulls said phone out of his pocket. "Oh. You were just messaging me. Why do we need to come up with a plan for 'addressing the rumors'? Why can't you just go online and say, 'hey im the hot blonde woman karkat and rose and probably the rest of my friends and family have been seen with and the only person who is dating me is karkat because ew.' Insert your usual complaints about human incest here."

"Aw, you think I'm hot?" You just grin in response to the eye-roll that gets you. "What did you think I was doing in there?"

"Messaging me… something else."

You can guess what the "something else" is by the way he blushes. "I'll send you nudes next time," you promise. "Posting online would be easier."

"Easier than skywriting, anyway."

"June wouldn't do that when she came out either," you complain. "Nobody ever wants to do skywriting." Karkat does not look sympathetic to your plight in the slightest. "But actually, excellent idea. Remember that person on Yappr who's been posting their headcanons about me being trans for, oh, two years and four months at this point?"

"Are they allowed to have 'headcanons' about real people?"

"Don't matter what they're allowed to do, they're gonna do it anyway. Our fans are nuts. Anyway, it's just a straight up fact at this point, so no use arguing about the whole headcanon business."

"I can argue about it, but whatever. What about them?"

"What if I just message them 'you were right' from my official account? Then they can take care of all that for me."

"That's a terrible idea. One, right about what? I'm sure that's not their only theory. And two, people are just going to think they faked a screenshot."

"Then we'll just post from your official account and say they're not lying. Easy."

"I don't have an account on there."

"Uh, yeah you do. I snatched up your username, remember? Your first post ever can be about me, it's perfect."

You watch as Karkat's face goes through the five stages of grief (and then some), before he sighs and just says, "Fine. It's not like it's the worst idea you've ever had."

"Hell yeah, thanks babe."

Chapter Text

Dove's "plan" completely bombs. Which you had anticipated, since every single person on Yappr is an idiot. When you'd told her that, she'd just laughed and said you were also on there, so you were calling yourself an idiot. Which isn't true, since she made that account, and you haven't even posted yet.

Because as previously mentioned, her plan bombed. For some reason, Yappr user gummylock420 wasn't exactly an award-winning journalist and had assumed Dove was saying they were right about something else entirely without even stopping to message her back and clarify. Just like you said might happen, which you remind Dove as soon as she shows you what's going down online.

"How did I miss their theories about you secretly being the screenwriter for the Earth-C Sbahj remakes? That's ridiculous, 'Kat." She sounds so much more offended than she has about any of the "cheating" rumors. She's the one who is ridiculous, you think. "They wouldn't even let me be the screenwriter for those and it's my comic!"

"Because that's the only reason why it couldn't possibly be me."

"You're Sbahj's second biggest fan, don't deny it. Oh man, do you think Dirk's the secret screenwriter?"

"Wouldn't be surprised if he was." You don't even want to know about all the secret hobbies that guy has. "That's not the point right now. Can you just post something that's unambiguous for once so we can go out without someone accusing me of dumping your body somewhere so I could date someone new?"

"…Did someone do that?"

"Not yet, but I'm sure it'll happen eventually!"

She doesn't say anything, just bites her bottom lip, starts picking at her nails. Shit. You feel bad for not realizing she might actually be nervous about all of this.

You reach out to grab one of her hands, peel it away from her other one so you can give it what you hope is a reassuring squeeze. "Maybe you can post some selfies? You haven't in a while."

"Yeah. Maybe."

"Or you can wait until you're actually ready."

"I'm ready. The horribly incorrect gossip was kind of funny at first but now it's just like damn, how has nobody realized it's just me at this point?"

"Everyone's fucking stupid."

She gives you a small grin. "So you keep telling me."

"And you should probably stop reading all the shit they say about us on the internet."

"Yeah yeah, you keep telling me that too." She squeezes your hand, then pulls away and stands up from the couch. "Okay, let's get ready for our hot date night."

"I am ready for our hot date night."

"Naw, you gotta get more ready. You're always smokin', obviously, but we gotta pull out all the stops for these selfies."

You don't tell her that you don't want to pull out all the stops, because this was your idea, and you really do want her to feel good about coming out to the public. "Fine, but you can pick out my outfit."

"That's not a punishment at all, you know that right?"

"It wasn't supposed to be." A sudden thought comes to mind and you groan. "You need to actually explain in the caption when you post. Otherwise some dumbass is going to say my 'new girlfriend' is taking over your account or something equally ridiculous."

"Are you sure you aren't the one posting the gossip? You're awfully good at guessing what people are gonna say," she jokes. Before you can give her an equally joking yet offended response, she asks, "Can you write it? As me, obviously. Gotta do your best Dove impression 'cause I don't have the faintest idea what to say for once."

"I can do that. Have probably spent enough time around you at this point to be convincing."

The grin she gives you in response to that is much brighter, far more genuine. "Yeah, think you've been thoroughly doused in my vernacular by now."

She takes your hand again and you let her drag you off to your bedroom to get ready.

You feel way too overdressed at the movie theater, but Dove seems happy, and despite all your complaining, that is what actually matters to you.

That happiness thankfully doesn't go away when you two leave the theater and she sees the comments on the selfies she posted earlier. People seem to finally be getting the fucking point.

"Will you take a damn break from obsessing over gossip about us now?" you ask later that night, once you two are home and lounging around in bed.

From what you can tell, most of the comments are either congratulating Dove on coming out or they're talking about your ass (which is barely visible in the one full body picture you took together, what the fuck). So that's… good. You think.

"Yeah, 'bout time I found something else to obsess over. They're running out of material anyway. It's always a cheating scandal, y'know? And how come nobody ever thinks I might have a secret evil lair or whatever it is they're always saying about Rose and Dirk? Stupid. I'm over it." She tosses her palmhusk onto the floor, as if to illustrate how much she no longer cares about all of this. You're glad the bedroom has carpet, and that Dove put one of those supposedly indestructible cases on her palmhusk. "That movie sucked ass, by the way." You're about to protest, but then she says, "Most fun I've had in a while, excellent choice."

"You make no sense, you know that?"

Dove doesn't immediately respond to that, just stretches her arms above her head, until you hear a soft pop. "So I've been told." She flops over, wiggles around for a bit while you just sit there, then finally wraps her arms around your waist and rests her head over your stomach. "You love me anyway," she tacks on once she's settled.

That's something you can't argue against, not even if you wanted to.