Archive of Our Own

Nagini bit down on my neck, the sound was wet and sickening. I could see the hatred flaring up in her eyes as she launched herself at me at her masters command. Her teeth stuck in my flesh, injecting me with venom that mingled with my blood in a heartbeat.
The burning sensation was like nothing that I have ever experienced before and all I could feel was pain. All the receptors of my body saturated with the poison and the burning sensation of pain.
Chocking on my own blood I wished that my death could come swift, because my life had been long and hard. I was done. I closed my eyes, but my damned body made another effort to pull one last breath, remind me of Lily one last time.
And of her.
I could see her, but my first thought was that I haven’t been good for her either way, so why bother with my grief. I will see Lily.. Soon
The pain flared up, my body consumed by mute frozen flames feasting on my blood cells.
Lily
I am coming to you. I wanted to say it, but my voice was gone all I could hear was a gurgling inside my throat. Painful and mute as words refused to come to life and leave the vast silence of my brain.
One more minute. I should suffocate, I thought with my typical clinic detachment. I will die now.
It’s okay.
Lily? She wasn’t there. She didn’t come to wait for me. She wasn’t..
I could hear a voice, something was happening, but my mind refused to work, it was lazy and sluggish like an old fat cat on a sunny afternoon.
I’m tired, let me be. I wanted to say, but I couldn’t. It was over. It was late.
I closed my eyes.
Worms moved under my skin, picking at my flesh but as they fed from my poisoned body, their own existence ended. The earth filled my mouth and entered my eyes, dipping me in darkness. And the cold.
I was so cold.
Why was death so damn painful?
It chewed on my bones looking for morsels of bloody meat.
Then I could feel them, roses grew around my chest. First a bloom filled my lung, like blood, infiltrating every corner, pushing my fears away.
I want Lily.. I wish I could cry, I wanted to share bitter tears, but my body forgot how to cry, my tear duct clogged with cold earth, and worms thick and white that invaded my brain, taking bits and pieces of me.
Time was of no essence as I watched the noise of the loud rose blooming inside my chest. It had the weirdest way of inflating and deflating my lung, even though it made no sense as my throat was packed with dirt and blood and I would not be able to push the air through.
You don’t need air when you are dead.
Death Eater. Suddenly the name sounded so funny and I wish I could have laughed, but there was nothing left of me that could make any noise.
I drifted back, in the darkness and hoped for oblivion.

Naginis teeth pushed into my flesh. I wanted to scream that I was already dead, that this must be a mistake, that I was sleeping and no, I can’t do this again.
The pain flared up inside me. The snakes large body contorted against mine, this time. I was naked and her touch was cold and wet, her scales scraped against my pale skin.
No! The scream was lodged somewhere inside my chest, it had been killed before it could even reach the surface. I was dead before I even made the decision to come see The Dark Lord in this dirty Shrieking shack.
Monsters deserve to die. They are usually killed by heroes, but there was nothing heroic or even satisfy about my death. It seamed more like a deja vu, as if I have died before and this was just a lame repetition, something to watch in the pensive.
The pain roared inside me like a mad pack of werewolves at full moon, but my mind was bound by the rose that filled my lung. I could look inside me. My lung was invaded by the bush of red roses. Those were the simple roses, the ones that grow in gardens and parks, not the elegant ones with long stems and delicious long flowers, heads, I couldn’t recall.
Head, what a funny word. I laughed, knowing that I surely lost mine somewhere.
Headless Sev. I tried to say, but the roses moved inside my veins, their thorns ripping apart the fabric that held my blood contained and pushing their own perfume and essence inside me.
Pain.
It hurt when the rose changed my blood and dripped it’s tears into me.
I wanted it to stop, but more blooms filled my chest, my mind, my mouth. Even my eyes filled with the now blooming red roses.
Lily, I want Lilies to bloom. Inside me. I couldn’t use my tongue because it was covered in graveyard soil, heavy with time.
I must be dead.
It is long since I died, I said to myself as a simple consolation.
As I tried to hold on to something anything, I forgot. There were names of a few people, but I couldn’t get myself to associate names with faces. At this point they were all a blur. And there it was the pain. It hurt. My mind wanted to push my vocabulary to come up with any other word. I could say it was excruciating, it was torturous or even at least painful, but I regressed to a basic level where I only could say that it hurt.
So much
The white worms kept feeding on pieces of me, they moved under my skin, pushing it away from my flesh, taking bites, pushing into me, making holes for them to enter my organs and devour me fully.
Why was death so painful?
I slipped away again, blissfully suffocating under the large red roses that filled my throat as they bloomed inside my trachea.
A new form of fear woke me. I stood in the shrieking shack and watched myself dying. This time, my form was under attack. I could watch each move I made each moment, each twist of pain on my face.
Poor Severus... I said, but from my lips only rose petals rained down on the dirty ground. White petals stained with blood. I must be gone. The pain was a memory, but I was still aware of it as it moved around my chest, a snake made of chains that ripped into my skin. This time, my skin turned into soil each time the rusty chains touched my pale skin.
Pieces of my brain were missing. Maybe it was some form of punishment, maybe I was destined to watch and feel my own passing until there was nothing left.
A part of me wanted to call out to her, in the hope that she would come, but as soon as I opened my mouth to say something, my lips tried to form sounds, but they stayed mute. There was no memory of her, only of some eyes. As much as I tried to focus on them, they moved away, pulling further and further from me, leaving me here, to die alone forgotten, dirty, with blood covering my face and my throat.
A part of me wanted to be angry, to hate the name of the lost love that I couldn’t even recall but I couldn’t find the strength for anger, because there she was, the rose grew from my chest and stretched herself towards me, touching the tips of my ghost fingers.

She
I sat in the infirmary and touched his fingers, so cold.
His body was cold, even though I added a warmth charm to his blanket in the crazy attempt to keep him here, to stop his heart from freezing. There was no one here, just me.
Breathe. I kept telling myself, I can do this. The words sounded hollow and the echo that beat down on me mocked me.
Think about the steps. I forced myself to be detached, to think of him the way I would think of a patient, not of the man who held my stupid heart.
Think!
I closed his wound, that was step one. I forced an anti venom into his veins, because he couldn’t swallow, not with the way his throat looked. I injected blood replenishment potion, I used a soft charm cleaning against the infection.
I had no idea what else to do.
Healing was not my domain, but there was no one else. No one who could feel his pain as if it was ripping their heart out.
Using a simple monitoring spell, I tracked his heart. It was beating, but it was weak.
In my desperate attempt to make a difference, I even used a muggle saline solution to rehydrate him. Whatever it would take it, I was ready to do it to save Severus.
If Voldemort himself would have shown up in front of me now, I would have gladly made a deal with him, if he could have brought Severus back, but as things looked I was his only hope.
My hands clasped his, holding on, hard.
“I’m here, you are not alone and I swear, if you die I will find a solution, and resurrect you only for the pleasure of killing you myself again. “There was no humor to my words because nothing came from him.
His eyes were closed and his beautiful lips were pressed to a stern line, one drop of blood dry at the corner of his mouth, peeling off, like a rose that bloomed.
Using my fingers I wiped it away, only to feel his skin still cold and clammy. His cold body worried me above all else.
Think. I forced myself. Not feeling like it. I moved my Wand and had a energy potion in my fingers and drowned the bitter thing. I would have preferred coffee but I refused to leave Severus alone and defenceless even for one second. No, I’ll stay. I decided.
I stay as long as either one of us is breathing.
The cold must have come from the venom, I tried a blend of antivenin because Nagini was not just any serpent, she was a maladictus.
My mind was brewing with ideas, but if I would inject him too many things I could kill him. He is weak.
I took another look at the wound under the bandage. Hours passed and at least the bleeding stopped a bit. That’s good, right.
If it stopped bleeding, he will get better I tried to find consolation in myself.
I kept checking for his pulse and holding his hand.
My tears started to fall on his cool skin as I brought his knuckles to my lips and kissed them.
“Please, please don’t die, darling, please “
I whispered, conjuring Merlin and all Gods I could think off.
“Please “
Severus was still frozen in his lonely pod. Should I try a stasis spell? I was scared that the venom if it would stay so long inside his body would do even more damaged.
When the fist touches of daylight pushed against the windows I felt a soft hand on my shoulder, and pulled my Wand, ready to defend him with everything I was.
“It’s me. “Minerva stood there, looking pale and exhausted.
“Potter told me everything, let me help. “
A part of me wanted to believe her, to hope that there was someone who was on my side and who wanted the best for Severus, but my heart was racing and I felt as if I couldn’t trust anyone.
She offered me her hand.
“I swear the unbreakable oath, I won’t hurt Severus “
Magic run up and down our bodies and I nodded towards the older witch.
She gave me a look.
“I am going to find Poppy, I am sure she can help “
I only nodded. Her readiness to swear the oath allowed me to relax in her presence. I needed someone to help me. Who the hell was I, a student trying to save my beloved.
But at this moment I didn’t care, It wasn’t important, they can expell me, they can tell my friends and parents, I am not leaving Severus to die.
When the old healer entered the room and I told her everything that I have done she nodded.
“I am afraid that if we apparate him to St Mungo we will kill him. You did everything right. “She looked at me. “Have you considered becoming a healer.”
The conversation seamed so strange as my tears rolled down my cheek.
Minerva made a sign towards the other witch.
“Come my dear, let’s get you a cuppa “She smiled.
“No, I am not leaving Severus. “My eyes locked on her, defiant. I would have blown her away If she would have tried to force me.
“Very well then.” She used her Wand and two cups of steaming tea showed up on the bedside table.
“You need to rest, you look exhausted” She whispered
“I can’t, can’t go. Please “
She nodded.
“I understand. “The words held more meaning that I believed anyone could pack in just two small words.
“Love “She whispered.
I nodded.
“I’m sorry. Poppy thinks that even if he wakes, the chances that he will be the same are slim. The venom affected him in ways we can’t predict until and if he wakes up. “
I swallowed the thick knot that was lodged in my throat.
“I am not leaving him. “
Minerva took a sip of her tea.
“I was thinking about moving him “
Just as I was about to protest she stopped me.
“Into a private room, a room that only you, Poppy and I can enter.”
I nodded.
“He wouldn’t like people to look at him. “
I watched Poppy using her Wand to move the bed into a pretty room. Actually it wasn’t pretty, but it was private and I loved that it was warded and that I could be alone with Severus.
Poppy smiled sadly at me and rubbed my shoulder.
“You did a great job “she said and they left me alone with Severus.
I sat on the chair next to him, his hand firmly in mine stroking his fingers with my thumb. Silly man, getting yourself killed “I whispered knowing we’ll that he probably couldn’t hear me.
My sleepy brain made me jump each time his chest moved. I must have laid my cheek on his hand at some point, because reality and dreams mingled. We both stood in this barren white hospital room, the walls empty of any form of decoration, staring at me.
“ Severus “ I whispered. Hi fingers still fell cold. There was not much light coming from the day that was already leaning towards the evening, but I couldn’t make myself do a Lumos spell. What if it would bother him?
I bit my lip and looked at the tray that was left on the small bedside table. Must have been Poppy or Minerva. The food looked nice, but I couldn’t bring myself to touch it. The idea of chewing and swallowing when Severus was fighting death turned my stomach. I pushed the tray aside, promising myself that I shall eat, but not now, later.
My fingers still touched his. I wanted to push my warmth into his cooling body. The heat charm was working and under his blanket the temperature was warm and toasty, but his body was cold.
Gripping his hand, I pressed it against my lips.
“Please, please come back to me. “ I whispered. “Please “

Severus
The presence was back. There was something warm around my fingers and I looked down at my hand, but my neck refused to move. There was nothing that explains the feeling I had, not if I was dead. The warmth grew and with it the rose grew, it appeared under the nail of my pinkie finger and it slung itself around my hand. It should hurt, but it didn’t it was warm and soft, reminding me of something. The warmth even if it touched only my hand was enough to calm my pain and make the large rose inside my lung move, her petals pulling the air towards my cells. I was aware that the rose kept growing inside me, that it stretched and took more and more room, that my blood turned into petals, but I couldn’t do anything, not that I cared.
My mouth couldn’t move, my mind couldn’t form any words, it was silent.. Peaceful in a way.
Until I woke up again. This time I was only walking up and down on the empty halls of Hogwarts, my only company the sound of my footsteps.
The pain is gone, I tried to say, but as my lips wanted to feel the touch of sound, I was only rewarded with painful mutism.
Please... I begged, but not one sound left my lips.
The corridors had a familiar feeling to them, but each time I tried to remember why I was here, the though slipped between my fingers.
This was ridiculous!
I know who I am.
I am.. I tried to recall my name, but it was impossible to grasp for it. I could feel it, it was there, in my reach, the tip of my fingers could touch it but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to say the name that belonged to me. The large windows looked back at me with a mocking smile. I saw something, but as I approached them, my reflection turned into a dark blur that had no face as I no memory.
What was I doing here.
Where was I going?
As I turned my back, roses started to grow outside, taking the walls in. Time had no meaning. I didn’t feel tired or hungry. My mouth and throat were filled with Cemetery earth, and in my eyes bloomed roses. The only thing I was aware off was the soft warmth that spread from my right hand. It moved up my arm, all the way into my blood.
No, I am here, I belong here. I told to myself as I walked up a flight of stairs. The tower.
I knew that place.
Music filled my ear and I could fee something. It was warm. She..
I tried to recall her name, she was warm and her body pushed against mine, her small hand lay in mine and her eyes sparkled. But they were new eyes, eyes that lingered on me with a sweet intensity.
She leaned her head back, black silky hair cascaded on her shoulders.
She..
I knew her name. It was on the tip of my tongue, but as I couldn’t recall if I had a name, I couldn’t touch hers either.
You, I was about to say, but nothing came from my death throat and my hollow chest.
Her hand touched my chest, and it pushed into my flesh, ripping me apart and I allowed her to do so, because her touch was warm and soft and she kept looking at me with those eyes as I fell on my knees.
Her mouth moved, but there came no sound. Her hand was elbow deep inside my chest, she cracked it open and made me look.
It was hers to take, I wouldn’t protest against her touch, I just knew that.
Everything around me changed and I held her in my arms again, our ribcage fused, and I wanted it, all I desired was to consume her, keep her with me, have her close, so close. My dirt packed mouth pressed onto hers and she chocked on the taste of my death.
And still, my heart pushed blood into her and she was twirling and twirling until I fell on the ground, hitting my head against the window during my fall.
All around me images of her eyes looked back at me, mocking me.
She.. She was gone and I was choking on Cemetery dirt.

She
I must have fallen asleep, because I recalled when Severus danced with me during the Yule Ball last year, up in the Astronomy tower. I was alone there, needing to come to terms with my growing attraction for my professor, when he caught me, smoking a cigarette, looking at the stars.
“Why aren’t you twirling on the dance floor with one of those dunderheads. “
He leaned against the windowsill next to me and we both looked outside.
“I outgrew them. “I smiled and offered him a cigarette.
We spent countless hours working together. My knowledge of old German and other languages helped him with his research and I had an interesting in potions as my parents run an apothecary that I was to take over
I didn’t mind going each night through thick leather tomes in the presence of this man.
He took a cigarette and lit it. No question.
“You are not a smoker “He told me as a matter of fact.
“I’m not. I just enjoy a smoke now and then, on occasion. “
He nodded.
“How did you know? “
“You don’t smell like a smoker. “
He replied.
I nodded. He was terribly observant and it made my heat beat faster. I knew that he could hear my thoughts.
“Can you hear me? “I asked, not wanting to use my voice. The corner of his mouth twitched.
“So you can. I kept going. Then I assume that you know that you are the only man I want to dance with tonight. “His serious face looked down on mine.
“You don’t meant that “Severus voice was warm, silky smooth and rich like hot chocolate.
“Are you questioning my intellect? “I crooked one eyebrow at him.
“I question your taste in men”
He replied with a smirk.
“I like them smart, dark and dangerous. “I teased, knowing that I push a boundary. That he was famous for shooting off any offers of dating and flirtation. No one knew anything about this man. All I could find out was that he had a crush at some point on Potters mom, but after that, his love life was like non-existent.
Even the air between us heated in the frosty tower.
“Dance with me “He offered me his hand and I laid mine in his palm without the smallest hesitation. His large palm lay on the small of my back, his feet moving with the elegance of a bird on the sky. He was so damn gorgeous, I could barely swallow the lump that stuck inside my throat as my heart worked on overtime to keep my body from collapsing.
The leaned me back, my eyes rolled in the back of my head and for a second, I felt Severus lips pressed against my throat, making me release a small gasp. His touch and hot breath tattooed my adoration for him inside my mind. He lifted me, pulling me close to his lips, our eyes on the same level.
“It is this what you want? “He growled at me, his body tense like a bow ready to snap.
I was unable to speak, all I could say was a mumbled uhum, because the air refused to fill my lungs and there was no way I could think of how to say yes.
I nodded.
“Sev, remember our fist kiss? “I whispered against the cool hand that was as stubborn as the man it belonged too and refused to squeeze my fingers.
I stood up and looked down on his face.
Leaning over him, I forced my eyes to look at him.
“Severus, remember our first kiss? “I asked the sleeping form of the man I loved, as I leaned over him and pressed my own lips against his cold ones. He was warm, always so warm... It pained me to feel him so cold, so lost between life and death. His black hair framed his pale face like smoke, pulling him towards the underworld. A part of me could sense the struggle his soul had to endure just to hold on one more second.
“Please come back to me “I whispered, wanting to brandish a sword of flames and save my prince from the claws of darkness.
A soft knock at the door and Minerva entered.
“Professor “I whispered slightly uncomfortable with her presence.
“Don’t worry dear, I was tempted to yell at him more often than you can imagine. We have been friends a long time and seeing him like these hurts. “She said and a sad smile that wasn’t reaching her eyes touched her lips.
I couldn’t say anything. “Do you have someone who you would like me to call to be with you? A friend maybe? “
I shrugged. I had a few friends, but since I fell for Severus all the secrecy made me push them away from me, because I hated to lie to them, and at the same time I couldn’t tell them what was going on between us.
“No one knows. “I looked down at my hands, blood was still sticking under my fingernails.
“Then you can talk to me. “She sat on the chair.
I shrugged.
“I am not so much the talking type. “I gave her a weak smile. Being social was beyond my abilities now, but I couldn’t upset the old witch who was clearly on my side.
“You really love him. “She didn’t ask, she said it.
“Yes. And he broke up with me just two weeks ago”
I hated our last fight. I hated myself and the way I spoke to him. One tear rolled off my cheek and landed on the nail of his pinkie finger.
“It is good that he has you. At least he is not alone. “She nodded and sat with me in silence. I think that at some point I eat some biscuits from a tin can she produced from the folds of her robe, but I can’t recall because I soon after fell asleep with my head on his hand.

Severus
There is no exit. I tried to open a window, but it was impossible, not even my magic could break through the glass. In my despair, I found myself using my fists, knocking against the glass, screaming silently for help.
Each time I tried to speak I felt the chocking hold of the snake, pressing harder against my throat, making it impossible for me to utter one single syllable
Please
I missed things that I couldn’t recall. I miss my name, I miss, I miss those eyes who looked at me, but I couldn’t place them. I was on my knees, screaming and watching as the Cemetery soil rolled from my mouth instead of words and whispers.
The pain was pushing from the inside out and the large rose inside my lung that made me breathe even now, in the dark was changing it’s color.
Its thorns pushing against myself, trying to bleed me off the last bit of memory.
If only I could recall who I am.
Maybe it would help.
Each time I tried to get to the exit and the door was so close that I could almost touch it, the castle shifted and changed again, rotating fast until it would leave me breathless and tired on the floor in one of the hallways.
And I would try to breathe. So hard until the dirt that is packing my airwaves stopped me from doing so and made me faint.
Then I sleep. Oblivion.
Oblivion until I feel the fangs of the snake ripping my throat open again and again.
Why is he doing that to me? I can barely recall the reason why the snake wants to kill me. I can feel the hate, the pain, the desire to rip me into shreds, but I don’t know why.
Who am I, this question is plaguing me the most, making me shiver with tears that I can’t release.
I cry petals and I speak dirt.
I am alone.
Always alone.
There’s no one to look at me and allow me to see myself in their eyes, to see that I am a man, even if I can’t recall my own name. A man that has a reflection, that left a mark.
But then again, I fall asleep and crave the feeling that is spreading into my bones from my pinkie finger. The warmth.
The longing.
And I shake my head.
There’s no one who is coming to save me and I give up, allowing the rose to take over, to use the soil that filled my chest and dig it’s thorns and roots deeper into my rotting flesh.
I don’t want anything. I just want this to be over. Whatever it is I did, this is punishment enough.
My eyes close, and I crave oblivion, but not before I feel her again, her fingers touching my very soul.

She
The diagnose spell wakes me.
Severus
Severus
Severus
I scream in agony as my hands work feverish to stop the bleeding of his neck wound.
What happened, I don’t know. His wound stabilized, but now it is gushing with blood, and painted my hands in crimson.
Severus
I try to call him, but his eyes are at least closed, his lips pressed in a severe line of agony as my Wand works to close the ruptured wound, to staunch the blood.
Poppy rushes in and is helping we both use strong charms and precise Wand work, doing what we can. I staunch the bleeding and she is remaking the veins and vessels that have been ripped apart. Her work, so much more precise than mine, but my crimson fingers press on his white neck, the red bleeding into the white bedding and touching his jet-black hair.
As his mouth opens, I see blood filling it, and use my Wand to charm it away, to keep his airways clear. It looks like a rose, as if a rose bloomed inside his mouth, on his tongue and tried to escape his lips, a prayer, a scream, who knows what is going on in his mind.
After minutes that feel like hours and potions that were poured into the wound and injected into his frail veins Poppy and I both slump on the chairs next to the bed.
“Good work, kid, your mind is sharp and you have good instincts. You really should think about becoming a healer. “
I don’t say anything. My blood stained hands grasp his. He is stable now, but he lost more blood. Poppy injects him with blood replenishment potion. The blood on my hands dries, and as I watch it peel off it looks like rose petals that fall to the white ground.
“I’ll be close if you need me “
Poppy walks out of the room and I take a second to watch the blood that surrounds my Severus as he lays in bed.
Using a fast-cleaning charm I clean us both. The feelings of his dried blood still clings to my skin and I get the need to pick on my skin, to rub it.
Poppy didn’t say much more. Stable.
Stable wasn’t good. He was stable enough to lay there, but not stable enough to be taken to St Mungos.
Later that day Minerva brought a famous medi witch to see him she ran a series of spells and diagnosis and shook her head.
“It’s a wonder he is still alive. “She said and I wanted to murder her, but she didn’t know him. She didn’t know that if he goes my soul is going to be ripped from my chest and I won’t see any reason to keep on existing.
I can’t lose him, not now.
I asked if there is anything that can be done and she only shook her head. She said empty things like, it depends on his will to live, the wound is major, but the main complication is the complex neurotoxin the venom entails.
Great.
A few more days passed, a blur in my head. There is no begging and no end to this. Severus was only laying there, not moving, not capable of speech, not able to open his eyes and glare daggers at me.
What would I have done just to see that look again.
After he kissed me in the tower that night, he put me down, gently.
“This can’t ever happen again. “He shook his head and left, like dark willowing smoke. My heart pounded and I leaned against the wall to keep my head from exploding. That kiss was like nothing I have ever experienced before. I had sloppy kisses, kisses that left me slightly disgusted, but this, this had me touching my lips and hoping for more.
That night I couldn’t sleep, and when we met again next day for research, he acted as if nothing happened between us.
“Severus, you are such coward when it comes to love “I said to him, straight at his wonderful face that people find scary.
Even now, as I stroke his silky looks, like feathers of a beautiful raven, I can’t forget the look he gave me. I am not soft, I have never been, I know who and what I am and my love is a rose, hard, with thorns, not a shrinking violet.
“Sev, remember the look you gave me? “
I whisper to my love.
He is mute, his lips pressed together, and a small drop of blood runs from his nose, creating a pattern on his pale skin, right before I clean it away.
“I called you a coward, slapped you and then kissed you. “I have to giggle at the memory of that. I knew that us, this, won’t ever be simple or easy.
“Severus, come back. “My fingers entwined with his cold ones and I kissed his knuckles, trying to push my life force into him.
“Come back to me, my love. We can get through this. I’ll be there, and not out of pity, I’ll be there with you because you are the other half of my soul and I don’t see me without you. “I kissed his nose and his closed eyes.
Days passed. I can’t even remember. The crazy post war time started to ebb and Severus kept being stable.
I don’t remember exactly when Minerva asked me to return to class and even though reluctant, I agreed.
She made sure to bring my things and another bed in Severus room, that way I could stay with him at night and I the evening when I did my homework.
His throat wound, still red was closed now, thick tissue sealed it. Sometimes I had the feeling that it looks as if a root grows under his delicate skin.
But he was not back.
He was gone.
When the winter break came, I send word to my parents that I can’t leave, that I have too much homework to do, but a part of me had a plan.
If Poppy and Minerva had given up on him, I refused to do so, and I knew just the right person to help me.
I inside towards the library, using the permit for the forbidden section that Severus wrote for me long time ago.
She sat at a table, her hair a mess and her clothes looked as if she wore them for weeks on a row.
I wasn’t looking much better either.
“Hermione? Can I sit with you. “
I asked, but pulled my chair without waiting for her to allow me to sit. She moved her head away from the book and gave me a look. During winter break just a few students stayed back at Hogwarts, and the ones that were around didn’t particularly liked or wanted company.
“What? “She asked me curtly as she kept searching for something in the black leather-bound book.
“I need your help”
She pushed her glasses back. She wore reading glasses now.
“Why would I help?”
She changed, the pain of losing Ron marked her and honestly, I could understand her better than anyone else did. In a way I envied her, because her love was dead, but mine was not dead, not living, keeping me with him in a ghostly realm of pain.
“Because it’s interesting.. I assume. Listen, I know that you dabble in the dark arts, and I beg you to help me. “
She closes the book.
“Who told you. “
I cleared my throat. “Severus “
Hermione leaned her head aside, her messy curls moved with it.
“He is dead. “
I shook my head and told her the entire story.
That he was bit by Nagini, that I couldn’t let him die and saved him, but that now I find myself at the end of my wits.
“I know that you try to resurrect Ron. “I dropped the words like daggers.
“That would be horrible, and forbidden. “She said with a tone dripping with sarcasm.
“Hermione, I know that we haven’t been friends. I am willing to do what I can to help you if you help me. Come on, do it for scientific curiosity. “
“Has anyone tried to enter his mind? “She asked and I could almost see the gears and cogs turning inside her brain.
“No, just I, Minerva and Poppy and now you know that he is alive. “
She nodded.
“I see. But what you are asking for is dark blood magic. And it will have a price.”
I nodded.
“I’ll pay it. “
“And I can’t assure you that the man that will come back will be the same man that you love. “
I didn’t have to tell her that I love him, she was a woman and she could read the dark shadows under my eyes, the fact that I probably lost ten pounds as I couldn’t eat a bite since he was lost in limbo.
“I want to know that he is fine, I want him to know that he is not alone. “
She understood.
“Let me prepare the spell. Where can I find you. “
I told her and she promised that in two days, at midnight, she will come to see us.

Severus
I woke up choking on blood and petals this time. I would vomit the mix of beauty that would lay on the mossy soil at my feet.
My head felt too big, almost feverish as I hit it again and again against the window.
As I tried to find something that was sharp enough to take my life, I walked into a room that felt oddly familiar.
The cauldron that bubbled in the middle of the room had a fascinating effect on me, making me want to go closer. All those ingredients that I couldn’t name, but stood lined up in neat little jars on the shelves. I walked closer and took one of the jars in my hand, carefully. After opening it, I smelled it.
It smelled like kisses.
My lips burned from the memory that only touched me like a whisper.
When she kissed me. When she invaded my blood and took out the poison that I allowed to fester for too long. She was a force of nature, pure magic driven by passion. Her fingers unbuttoned my coat, pushing it away, a shield less.
“Trust me “She said and my body felt suddenly warm.
“Trust me “Her lips crashed onto mine, and memories from a time when my mouth wasn’t a grave, but a cradle of passion exploded inside my head.
“I love you “She said and my foolish heart believed her when her lips and fingers promised that she would never let me go. That I found a home inside her chest that she would be here, keep me safe for however long I needed her to do so.
And then I feel on my knees, pulling my hair out, but there was no pain as I pulled ravens feathers that were covered in blood from my head and threw them down.
Just pain.
The pain of feeling raw and exposed after being cowered with the soft warmth of love. Cold is even worse after you experienced heat.
My tears refused to come, as the soil kept my eyes gloomy and the world around me was all in grey scale. The only color came from the rose that killed me and grounded me at the same time.
Trust me, I won’t fucking leave you. Her mind screamed at me as my lips tasted hers, so sweet. As I surrender to her and let her take me, touch me, mark me. Make me feel that I belong. Despair shakes pieces of flesh , but only petals fall, and soil. Everywhere I go, soil follows in my wake, because I am long dead already, as are my memories and only thin spider web threads hold me captive here, connected to this realm.
A large blade materialized in my hands and I took the handle, weighing it, moving it to my wrists.
I knew what I was doing. If I would try to stab my neck soil would fall, but inside my veins I could still feel warmth, blood.
One cut was enough, to make my body experience the taste of the blade that raked at my flesh mercilessly.
And nothing.
I saw meat, veins and sinew, white and beautiful, but then, there was nothing.
I wanted to cry, and closed my eyes imploring someone, something to give me freedom, but only lilies dribbled from my arm until I fell unconscious on the cold ground.
You are not here. I whispered, using my mind to form words, a desperate longing for a love that wasn’t real.
I just want to die...

She

The knock at the door woke me and I whispered a fast spell to unlock the wards.
I must have fallen asleep with a book on my lap. Severus still lay there, unmoving. Nothing changed.
Hermione walked into the room, taking it all in.
“Hm”She chuckled, the sound laden with sarcasm.
“I see. “
She took a few steps towards the bed, but I stood there, in front of her with my Wand drawn.
“I need to run my own tests. I won’t hurt him. “She touched my Wand hand and pushed it down slowly.
I slumped into the chair. I asked her for help, it was my last hope. All the medi witches who saw Severus came to the conclusion that he was trapped in his own head, that there was no hope for him to return and that he will stay for the rest of his life in this sleep.
“Sleeping beauty. “Hermione whispered under her breath
“He would probably hex me if he would hear me speak like that. “She chuckled.
“Yes. “I nodded.
“You two, huh? “
I nodded again.
“Hey, I am not judging, the love of my life is Ron freaking Weasley who can mess up a simple spell and is the most annoying man I know. I can see the appeal. Now, my question is, how much are you willing to give? “
I looked at her.
“My life. “
She turned her back to Sev and looked at me.
“This is no joke. He is deep inside his head, and I can bring you to him, but.. “
I was just about to yell that I don’t care, that I would do everything.
“Listen there’s a chance you can’t reach him, he is very deep inside his mind. And there’s a huge probability that he won’t even recognize you, hell, he probably won’t recall his own name. And.. “Hermione paused.
“If you die inside his mind, you are gone, if he kills you, you are gone. I won’t be able to bring you back and you will be dead for real. Do you understand? “
I nodded.
“I am fine with that. “And I was. The hope that I could see Severus, even if I would die by his hand was better than sitting next to him, each day, looking at a shell of the man I loved and not being able to do anything to bring him back.
“Are you sure that you want to do this? “
“Yes”
“How, how do I bring him back? “
“That’s the tricky part. I don’t know. You have to immerse yourself inside his mind and convince him to come back with you. You, I can pull back because I will know your magical signature, you need to call my name, but with intention and I will pull you back. “
I nodded, tired but hopeful.
“There’s another thing. This is dark ancient blood magic. I don’t know what it will take from you, it could take something, break something in you. Do you understand me? “ Her hands cupped my face forcing me to look into her eyes.
“I haven’t found a spell that brings Ron back without killing me in the process. This could do the same to you. We can’t take something without giving back, there must be balance in the universe. “
I was calm.
“I’ll do it. Tell me what you need. “
She started to work. It was simple. All she did was ask me to take my loves hand and she pricked our fingers, mingling the blood.
“One more thing “Hermione said, “Once the spell is done, your soul and his will be connected. This will leave a dark print on your own magic. “
“Do it, I am ready. “
I am. Not sure if I saw a smile on her lips before the world went dark all around me.
When I opened my eyes, I stood in one of the corridors of Hogwarts.
How peculiar. I said as I walked down the hallway not hearing my own steps on the marble.
Rose bushes grew next to the windows, covering them like lattice, allowing the moon to send barely some light into the darkness.
Pulling my Wand I was relieved to see that I can invoke Lumos.
This was Hogwarts, but different. Everything around me was in grey scale, except the bright red roses that grew around me.
Breathe. I pushed myself, ignoring the rusty scent a mixture of wet soil and copper that stuck to my tongue.
Should I call his name?
I wanted too, but then changed my mind, recalling Hermiones warning. We had no idea in what state Severus was. Maybe he was scared, maybe hearing me call would make him run. Instead, I made my way to the potion lab. If he would be somewhere, he would be there. It was the home of his wonderful mind, where he was most in touch with his magic.
The place that even left it’s print on his skin, making his hair smell like herbs. That scent I loved, because I would inhale it during the sweetest moments of passion, when Severus was mine and mine alone, in a way he never shoved himself to anyone else.
“Sev “I whispered his name, the sound barely touched my lips only for the echo to rain like hail on my skin, burning me with drops of longing.
I entered the Potion Lab, this time I was afraid to call out for him.
My eyes took the surroundings in, it was dirty, covered in a thick layer of dust that almost looked like snow, cobwebs and soil was all over the ground.
Severus sat with his eyes closed, his head leaning against the wall, his hair long, spilling like Raven wings onto his shoulders.
There was no scar to mark his neck.
I ran towards him, caution be damned as I took his hand in mine.
“Severus, open your damn eyes, please “
My tone a mingled mess between a plea and a command, tears clogging my throat. His hand was warm, but as Hermione said, everything I saw here was only a projection.
“Severus, look at me. “I asked him again.
This time his eye lids opened, slowly, barely able to accept the reality of my presence.
“Sev? “I pulled his hand towards my cheek, pressing his open palm against my face in a warm gesture that was so dear to me. He would do that, cup my face and look into my eyes.” Remember when you told me that each time you see me you forget how to breathe?” I asked, not sure why I expected him to answer as his eyes looked empty, with no sign that my presence evoked anything at all in him.
“Severus? “I stretched my hand towards him and touched his lips with my fingertips, tracing them. “Darling, it’s me. I am here. I won’t leave you. “
He pulled his hand away from me, his arms encircled his chest as he hugged himself, turning his head away from me.
My heart cracked as I saw the pain that covered his face.
“Sev, please, let’s get you to your room. It’s cold here. “
The second I said the words the world around me changed and I was in the Shrieking Shak again, his body lay on the ground, blood gushed from his neck and lilies spilled from his wrists.
Severus, tall and cloaked in black stood next to me watching his own demise.
My first instinct was to run to the figure that fought for its life on the ground, but instead I turned to the man that stood next to me. He looked through me, as if I wasn’t even present.
My hand grazed his fingers, softly, barely.
A shiver run down my spine as I felt his cool skin pressed against me.
“Severus “My voice calm and even.
“He is dying “He said. “I am already dead. “
He looked at himself at the version of him that was choking on blood and burning under the effect of the venom.
Alone
Severus said and the ground shook.
My hand grasped his in a desperate attempt to hold him, to show him that I am here, that I won’t leave him, no matter what.
“Severus you are not alone. And you didn’t die. Look at me “
My hands laid on his arms and my fingers dug into his flesh as I tried to force him to look at me.
“Please, look at me, Severus. “
His dark eyes, glassy and lost didn’t pay attention to me.
“Gone “
The next second I stood on the same hallway and watched him sit on the ground and play with pieces of jagged glass.
My first instinct was to go over, make sure he was safe, but I remembered it wasn’t fully real. Fuck, this was damn philosophical and I was too tired and scared to know what to do.
Hermione said that I have just one try. Walking over to him, on my toes I watched him. He would cut in his arms and watch the flesh break open and either a Lilly or a rose would grow from the wound.
“Severus, darling “
When I used the word darling his hands shook and the piece of glass that was buried in his skin fell to the ground with a mute click. The most beautiful dark eyes I have ever seen looked back at me.
His lips moved as if trying to form words, but nothing came.
“Darling “I took his hands in mine. I didn’t care that the glass cut through my jeans as I kneeled next to him.
His lips still formed words, desperately trying to tell me something, anything, but his eyes looked into mine as if he noticed for the first time that I was there, in front of him.
A tear ran down his cheek, red, like the petals of the roses that bloomed all around the hallway that entered the now mute portraits and slung on the walls, that engulfed the building in their own form or magic.
The tear was bloody and it lingered at the corner of his mouth.
“Darling, it’s me “I moved closer, still holding his hand as lilies bloomed on his chest and tried to push me away with all the mad force of rage
“I promised that I won’t leave you, I am here. I’m here. “I kept saying, not sure if he understands me, not sure if my words even register.
I moved closer not caring that glass cut into my legs and pushed against my flesh.
My lips touched his.
Severus, I called loud inside my mind, wanting for him to hear me. Knowing that he could hear my mind, needing him to hear me, to know that I would never give up on him, on my love.
Severus
Something else pushed against me, his chest was covered in thorns and with each kiss, the closer I got, the deeper they pushed against my own skin. Something warm and wet ran down my body, it felt like blood, but Severus kissed me, his hand slipped into my hair and I didn’t cared anymore about the pain.
Sharp, sharp pain. It moved under my ribs and pulled at my heart.
It hurt bad, but then Severus pulled me closer, he needed me close to him and I wouldn’t abandon him.
Severus
I whispered inside my head because my lips and tongue danced with his and my body burned with love and pain. I didn’t care about the pain. It was good pain. And when I couldn’t breathe because a rose bloomed Inside my chest and it’s thorns dug into my heart, it was all good because Severus was there. He held me, his lips moved and I could hear his beautiful voice calling my name.
“Rose, Darling you came to see me, my love “he whispered, “Rose, please, please don’t leave me. “
I wanted to laugh, to call him silly, how could I ever leave him, only I was so tired and my lung was full with flowers and the night sky was so pretty, but he was here, why was he upset with me. The world spun and I knew that my Severus would be fine.

Severus
I woke up holding Rose in my arms. She kissed me. I held a glass shard in my bloody hand, half of it stuck inside her chest.
My lung was empty, my throat was open and I knew who I was. I am Severus Snape and she died for me. Oh Merlin , Rose.
Rose was in my arms and she was smiling, her pale fingers touched my face and her shirt, once white was covered with a blood stain that grew larger and larger.
I tried to use my Wand, but it didn’t work and she looked at me, smiling.
“ Rose “
Her name tore from my chest and invaded me with the strength of all the memories that held me alive. She was the rose. She kept me alive. Her body was in my arms, cold and her beautiful eyes looked back at me.
When I returned to reality, my scream filled the room, my magic unfurling in waves of anger as I was consumed by grief. Rose
I had to do something.
A hand pushed me away, but I couldn’t stay away.
Rose
I called out just to see Granger there, fussing over Rose.
What?
I asked as I took my surroundings in. My voice low and hoarse, different from what it had been.
“Professor Snape? “
Granger asked as she tried to work on my love. Rose.
“She’s dead. “She stepped aside and let me scream my misery into the night holding the body of my beloved clenched to my chest.

One year later
I buried her on the coast, close to the water. Rose loved the sound of the crashing waves against the shore.
As I sat there, alone, I watched the way the rose bush that no one had planted grew and enveloped the stone, thorns digging into it.
“Silly girl “I whispered as I lay on the ground, hoping that she could feel my touch.
“Why did you had to go sacrifice your life for mine? Why did you had to die for me? You had a full life ahead and you gave it up for me. “
As always when I was talking to Rose tears ran down my cheeks. She saved me. She gave her life for a dark twisted old man who didn’t deserve her.
My eyes lock on the sky and I dream. I dream of her every night, but they aren’t dreams of agony. Rose gives me beautiful dreams, of us sitting in a rose garden and looking at two beautiful kids playing, her hand is in mine and I see the gold wedding ring sparkling on her finger.
I lean in to kiss her and my heart swells with joy.
It’s one of the impossible dreams of joy that my mind uses to torment and tempt me with.

“Oh God, I’ll puke, necro much? “It’s damn Granger.
“What the hell do you want? “
After she told me about the blood spell she performed I wanted to kill her. I blamed her for Roses death, and a part of me still does, but then she showed me her memories. She showed me how much Rose loved me, that there was no hesitation on her face when Hermione told her that she could die. She just.. She just did it. She died for me.
She loved me so much that she would have done everything to save me, as unworthy as I am of love. Tears stung in my eyes
“I told you not to bother me when I’m here. “
I spit the words. Since Rose died, I found a friend in Granger. She was obsessed with resurrecting Weasley, and I allowed myself to entertain dreams of bringing my Rose back. She was too young; she wasn’t meant to die.
“Well, it’s urgent Snape, so let’s get going. I have a lead on a real necromancer.“
I smiled. It was the missing element for our spell.
Kissing the petals of the rose that grew on the grave I can almost feel her lips touching me.
Always, I whisper to my Rose, hoping that she can feel my love.