Chapter Text
Elon Musk was in the White House. As usual, of course. The only issue was when he knocked out unconscious after snorting lines of pure American cocaine-he would have none of that Mexican stuff from over the border.
Elon fell to the ground with a loud bang. He probably hit his head and got even worse brain damage than previously. “Donald..” Was the last thing he said before he closed his eyes and went unconscious.
”Elon, no!!!” Donald screamed. This was unfair, this was rude, this was an outrage! He couldn’t lose Elon, no, he couldn’t!
He saw him slip into a drug induced sleep, his body convulsing with a couple of grams under his nose.
Donald wasn’t sure on how he was going to cover this up, or how he was going to run the country without Elon, although Elon would always be with him with ChatGPT. It probably knows how to run a country… well, hopefully.
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The next thing Elon knew, he was in a more blocky world. “I snorted too much,” Elon said, his voice trailing off as he looked at his surroundings. He wasn’t in Washington DC anymore.
The trees were blocky, the ground was blocky, the-sketchy as hell looking-sheep in front of him? You guessed it, blocky. His vision was slightly blurred as well, giving him the effect that this all was a strange dream. Maybe that was just how it was wherever he was, or maybe it was because of how many lines of coke he snorted in one sitting. It truly could be either or both in this situation.
Was he hallucinating this all-very likely, actually. Or was it that he was in a video game? It probably was more likely that he was hallucinating this entire thing, but that didn’t matter to Elon. He could decide what he was seeing right now, and honestly, it would have been pretty boring to say that this was a hallucination. He decided right then and there that he was in a video game.
He was pretty sure he was in Animal Crossing. There were animals, animals that looked like they were made out of blocks and blocks alone, but animals nonetheless. He didn’t see any crossings yet, but he got half of the name for the game, so it was Animal Crossing, folks!
That was, until the sky went from a normal blue to Donald Trump orange. He didn’t know much when it came to the outdoors, but he was pretty sure that it meant that it was becoming night.
He knew that there were only so many hours in a day-and all of them must have been dedicated to the Gulf of America-but this seemed rather short. It could have only been a couple of minutes at most.
Maybe he was still tweaking out… but maybe he wasn’t-unlikely. Either way, night time meant nap time, so he was miraculously able to walk a couple of steps in front of himself before absolutely crashing into the ground with another large thud. This is what Elon considered the perfect sleeping position.
Soon, his nap was interrupted. He was very angry about that. He wanted to sleep on the ground for at least another five minutes, maybe even the rest of the night could have been spent on the blocky grass and dirt. A green guy-ew, he’s not white-attacked him.
Now, Elon never thought violence was the answer. But, what did it matter when it was pretty damn fun? So with white powder under his nose, he started punching these green men. He might have been the immigrant here in this land, but he was going to deport them instead. He would have to get back to Donald to do so, though.
So he landed the first punch and missed by a good few feet. He decided that the green man was cheating, and was therefore pissed. “I am the president, you green bastard!” Elon shouted for the entirety of this Animal Crossing world to hear as he landed a punch that was even more sloppy than the first.
He was not going to last long, that was until a man with a blue shirt and a grey beard showed up. “I… am Steve,” he said triumphantly.
”Nobody asked,” Another guy wearing a pink jacket said-which Elon was absolutely disgusted with, because pink was for girls.
Steve and the femboy went to work attacking the green men, beating them to death with blocky weapons. Yup, this was definitely Animal Crossing.
That was, until the sun came up and all of these green men set ablaze, although the trees stayed untouched. Video game-or high as fuck-logic. It served them right, interrupting his nap and attacking him. How repulsive!
“Now that all of those fucks are dead,” Steve said, “you should meet the rest of the crew.”
Elon nodded, and they walked a little bit to what looked to be a small building-though Elon’s perception skills weren’t at all good, so who knows? The pink-wearing man opened the door to such a building, and they all walked single file into the house thingy.
“Garett, who’s this?” A kid-ew, children-asked. This kid was short as hell as well, which discomforted him even more, because children were just… ick. Donald was the one whole liked kids-in a bad way, but not him. Ewwww, I hate kids. They look so innocent and… something. Just, ewww, Elon thought.
”Yeah, who are you?” The pink wearing un-masculine man asked, who he assumed to be Garett.
”I’m the best person around,” Elon announced. He guessed he did have a bit more cocaine in his system than he first assumed. “I’m… Eon Muck.”
“Elon?” The small child asked again.
Elon said, ”Yeah, the proud creator of the letter X.”
“I’m… Henry,” The kid said. “It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Muck.”
”NO, MUSK,” He corrected angrily.
”Right, of course, of course, Mr. Musk,” The small child responded, a bit scared.
”Serves you fucking right,” He muttered.
”Let’s not talk to Henry like that,” Steve said seriously.
“Oh, so that’s his fucking name?” Elon responded.
”Don’t swear so freely in front of my brother, Musk,” A younger lady said. The fact that the two were related was going to be lost in short term memory.
”And why shouldn’t I?” Elon asked, as if there wasn’t anything wrong with what he was doing.
”Because he’s a child..?” Steve replied, genuinely concerned with the guy who was barely standing up, and had white powder under his nose.
“And who is that one right there?” Elon asked, as if forgetting the rest of the conversation as he pointed at another woman in the room.
“I’m Dawn,” The woman replied.
”Dish soap,” Elon added with a laugh only an addict would have. He decided to sit down in a chair, he fell onto it, although he was just tripping out, so he fell on the ground instead.
”Why does he have white powder under his nose?” Henry whispered to Dawn.
”You don’t want to know why, sweetheart,” Dawn whispered back. It was something he wouldn’t want to know, after all.
Instinctively, he used his elbow to wipe it off, as if to make him look any amount of normal, which was impossible at this point.
“Should we have let him in here?” Garett asked. It was a genuine question at this point.
”Let’s ask him a few questions and then we can kick him right through the portal to the real world,” Steve suggested.
”Good idea,” The unnamed woman said.
”Okay, how did you get here?” Steve asked.
”The power of friendship…” Elon reported, his eyes now focused on the ceiling only. “And drugs~”
“We’ve noticed the drug part, buddy,” Garett said. “But did you go through a portal here?”
”I fell asleep on the White House floor and now I’m here,” He said with a laugh.
“That’s… strange,” Dawn said.
”We all got here through a portal, except for him,” Henry pointed out.
”Well, he’s here, so let’s fix that,” Steve states.
“Agreed,” Everyone says slightly out of unison.
Garett grabbed him by the arm and started to drag him. Steve opened the door for him as they kept dragging Elon, as if he were a corpse instead of a person-same thing.
Dirt snags on his clothing as he gets dragged across it. That is, until they get to a portal. It looks very blocky, as everything does in this Animal Crossing world.
”It looks like we’re here,” The unnamed woman said.
”It sure does, Natalie,” Henry replied.
”I’m going to throw him through the portal,” Garret announced before picking him up and putting him over his shoulders. He could be someone else’s issue now.
He threw Elon Musk through the portal. “Quickly, unassemble the thingy,” Henry ordered.
Steve complied, taking the two pieces apart. They didn’t want him coming back after all.
”What if more people start appearing out of nowhere?” Natalie asked, concerned for their entire group.
”We’ll be fine,” Steve said confidently. “…Probably.” That part was a bit more unconfident.