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“Mew-Mew!” Darcy announced as she flopped down onto the couch next to Steve. He and Tony were still - still - trying to find a way to lift Mjolnir and were, as far as Darcy could tell, no closer to accomplishing their goal than they’d been from the start.
Evidence of their efforts was scattered around the room. Tony in particular looked frustrated and annoyed.
“How long have you guys been in here?” Darcy asked, poking at an elaborate-looking pulley system that was lying on the floor where it had clearly been thrown sometime earlier. “I’m surprised Thor’s not in here smirking at you.”
“Thor and his ‘beloved Jane,’” Tony scowled, “are out doing some shit somewhere else.”
“They’re helping Dr. Selvig,” Steve supplied. “They’ve been gone all day.”
“And you two had nothing better to do today than this?” Darcy asked, gesturing at the mess.
“No, Lewis,” Tony snapped, petulantly kicking a see-saw-looking thing. “I have absolutely nothing better to spend my time on. It’s not like I have my own Fortune 500 company to run or anything.”
“Technically, Pepper runs Stark Industries,” Darcy pointed out. Steve snickered.
“Technically, this is my building and I could ban you from it for excessive sass.”
“Hey now,” Steve intervened. “It’s not Darcy’s fault Thor thought that would be funny.”
“Thought what…” Darcy trailed off. She looked at Mjolnir again and realized it wasn’t just sitting on the coffee table like she’d assumed. There was something sticking out from underneath it and it took Darcy a second or two to realize what it was. “Is that…”
“Pepper’s passport?” Steve supplied, barely holding back a laugh. “Yes, yes it is. And Pepper will be back at...what time was that again, Tony?”
“Five,” Tony grumbled. “And she flies out at 6:30. To Germany.”
“It’s only 4:15, though. I’m sure Thor will be back before Pepper leaves,” Darcy said. “He likes fucking with you guys but he wouldn’t do anything actually mean like that.”
“That’s what I told him,” Steve said. “Thor likes Pepper.”
“It’s possible he might be scared of her,” Darcy replied. “Either way, though, I can’t believe you wasted all afternoon on this! He’ll be back.”
Tony grumbled something under his breath and kicked the see-saw-thingy again.
“What was that?” Steve asked innocently. He cupped his hand around his ear and leaned in Tony’s direction. “I couldn’t hear you.”
“He dared me,” Tony growled.
“What Tony means,” Steve explained, still smiling,. “Is that he spent all morning bragging about how he could definitely lift the hammer, he just needed the time to - and this is a direct quote - ‘calibrate my worthiness and convert it to a compatible standard of awesome’.”
“Seriously?” Darcy laughed. Tony grunted. “How drunk were you?”
“Only a little,” Tony muttered.
“It was 9:30 in the morning,” Steve pointed out. “So anyway, Tony had been using Pepper’s passport as a coaster--”
“Lies, Rogers. I did no such thing.”
“Sure,” Steve rolled his eyes. “So Thor picked up Tony’s beer, finished it, put the hammer on Pepper’s passport, patted Tony on the head, and left.”
“I can’t believe I missed it!” Darcy said. She could easily imagine that exact chain of events taking place and it sounded absolutely delightful. Steve was still laughing and Tony was still pouting, so she craned her neck around to survey the wreckage scattered around the room.
Besides the pulleys and the see-saw, Darcy could see several lengths of rope tied into increasingly complicated knots, a box of magnets, some kind of battering ram, at least five pieces of the Iron Man armor, Steve’s shield, a half-empty tub of Vaseline, a woman’s stiletto heel, an inflated pool float shaped like a turtle, what appeared to be a lightsaber, a car jack, and an almost-empty roll of duct tape.
“You guys have had quite a day, huh?”
“What’d I say about that sass? Unless you’ve got any big ideas, Lewis, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to banish you from Stark Tower forever.” Tony stood up and stalked to the other side of the room, where he picked up the duct tape, tossed it above his head, and caught it triumphantly. Darcy looked over to where he’d been sitting and saw a bunch of empty beer cans littered in the vicinity of the garbage can.
“Watch it, Stark,” Steve threatened. He was smirking but Darcy could tell he wasn’t kidding.
“Did you ask it?”
“What?” Tony and Steve asked at the same time.
“Did you ask Mew-Mew if you could pick it up?” Darcy paused. Steve shook his head and Tony grunted again. “Well, maybe you should next time.”
“That,” Tony said, “is a terrible idea.”
Darcy could tell he was mad he hadn’t thought of it first.
“Tony, all of our ideas have been terrible,” Steve pointed out. “All of them. Why is Darcy’s any worse than, oh, I don’t know, balloons?”
Darcy looked up and laughed when she found the ceiling covered in balloons.
“Let’s see it, then,” Tony said dismissively, ignoring Steve’s comment. “Come on, Lewis, go have a chat with the fucking hammer.”
“Why should I?” Darcy asked, causing Steve to snort-laugh next to her. Yes, Tony could be an ass, but she wasn’t afraid to go toe-to-toe with him, especially when he was drunk and therefore much more likely to make (and lose) ridiculous bets. “What’s in it for me?”
“Besides eternal bragging rights and moral superiority, you mean?” Steve said.
“Pfft, boring,” Darcy rolled her eyes. “C’mon Tony, how bad do you want that passport? Bad enough to give me a hundred bucks? Or, I dunno, a car?”
“Darcy Lewis,” Tony said, narrowing his eyes at her. “If you can pick up that hammer, I will give you a car and a thousand bucks. But if you can’t…”
“You already threatened to kick me out,” Darcy said. “Twice. And even if I had money - which I don’t - you don’t need that. Oh, and my boyfriend can kick your ass in a hot second, so just keep that in mind.”
“Your Facebook. And Twitter. And Tumblr,” Tony said, grinning. “Instagram, Pinterest, Snapchat, all of it. I get to control all your social media for...a week.”
“Five days,” Darcy said, glaring at him. She wasn’t afraid to go toe-to-toe with him, but he knew she was just as stubborn as he was and he never hesitated to exploit that.
“Six,” Tony bargained.
“Fine, six days. Deal?”
“Deal. Cap’s honor.” Tony grinned at Steve, who rolled his eyes. “Go ahead, Darcy. I’m already planning my takeover of your online existence - let’s just get this little formality out of the way.”
Darcy rolled her eyes, then looked up at Steve. He smiled and put his arm around her. She leaned her forehead against his shoulder, then took a deep breath. She could see Tony smiling like the fucking Cheshire Cat in the corner of her eye. She took another deep breath, then took a step toward the hammer.
“Hi Mew-Mew,” she started. Tony snorted and she gave him the finger without turning around. “So, uh, I’m just gonna...you know. Pick you up now. Please? If that’s cool?”
“Might as well just give me your passwords now!” Tony called out from behind her.
“Tony,” Steve warned.
“Okay, so, here I go?” Darcy laughed nervously. She carefully slid her hand through the leather strap, then gripped the handle. She suddenly felt stupid, so stupid, because there was no way in hell she was going to win this bet. “Let’s do this. Me and you, Mew-Mew. Make it happen…please.”
The hammer pulsed in her hand and she was so surprised she almost let go.
“Okay, okay, for real this time. You ready, Mew-Mew?” The hammer pulsed again. Then Darcy closed her eyes, held her breath, and pulled.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Tony exploded somewhere behind her. Darcy was still squeezing her eyes shut but, at Tony’s outburst, she opened them.
“Holy. Shit,” Darcy breathed. The hammer was much lighter than she’d expected and she experimentally moved it from her right hand to her left, half expecting it to fall and pin her to the ground. It didn’t.
“What the fuck!” Tony was standing on the other side of the table now, staring at Darcy.
“Told you,” Darcy grinned. She was bouncing the hammer lightly from hand to hand, only stopping when Steve leaned in for a hug and a small, gentle kiss.
“This is bullshit,” Tony grumbled.
“Watch it, Stark,” Steve glared. Still grinning, Darcy looked back at the table where Mjolnir had been all day. Pepper’s passport was still there and it did, indeed, have a ring-shaped mark that suggested it had been used as a coaster in the recent past. Holding the hammer in one hand, Darcy picked up the passport and tossed it at Tony. “Looking for this?”
“Hey, Darcy,” Tony said, picking up the passport that had landed near his feet. He walked back toward the table. “So, you know that thousand bucks? What do you say I make it two grand in exchange for you never telling anyone what just happened?”
Tony placed the passport back where it had been and nodded at the hammer in Darcy’s hand.
“Are you really trying to bribe me right now?”
“Yeah, I am,” Tony shrugged. “How about five?”
“Seriously? You’ll give five thousand dollars if I just put Mew-Mew back on top of Pepper’s passport?” The hammer pulsed again and Darcy decided it must like her nickname.
“Seriously,” Tony confirmed. “So, c’mon, do it.”
Darcy looked at Tony and realized he was, in fact, dead serious. She looked over at Steve who was smirking again. When he saw her looking, he shrugged and raised his eyebrows.
Half of Darcy wanted to put Mjolnir down. Five thousand dollars was more than five times the contents of her bank account and, as much as she enjoyed messing with Tony, she did like him and didn’t really want to be responsible for the disproportionately major blow to his ego over something as dumb as a hammer.
The other half of Darcy, though, really liked the idea of having bragging rights over not just Tony but, like, everyone ever. She also really wanted a car.
Luckily, before Darcy had to make a decision, Thor and Jane came into the room. Tony actually whined.
“Darcy?” Jane gasped, rushing toward her. Darcy grinned.
“Lady Darcy,” Thor said, clearly surprised. He looked from Mjolnir to Darcy, then back at Mjolnir with a pensive expression. Then he looked at Darcy and grinned. “Since our first encounter I have held you in high esteem.”
“Our first encounter was when I tazed you.”
“Yes, which gave me cause to admire your courage in the face of an unknown threat,” Thor said. “Retrospectively.”
“That’s...one way to look at it,” Tony muttered. Behind Darcy, someone shushed him; she wasn’t sure if it was Jane or Steve. It might have been both.
“While I did not expect any mortal being to be worthy of the mighty Mjolnir, I was most pleased and proud to discover this exception.”
“Aw, I like you too, Thor.” She grinned and Thor grinned back at her. She realized she was still holding the hammer, so she raised it to her chest and offered it to its rightful owner. “You can have your hammer back now.”
“Thank you,” Thor said. He placed his huge hand on her shoulder and nodded.
“Bye, Mew-Mew!” Darcy said. She felt the hammer pulse as she handed it over to Thor. Once he had it back, he spun it around, then tossed it in the air and caught it. Satisfied, he put it back on the table and turned to Darcy and Jane.
“Shall we celebrate this glorious occasion?” Behind Thor, Tony pouted.
“Yes we shall!” Darcy said. Steve came up next to her and held her hand; she smiled up at him. Thor followed Jane out of the room, but Steve, Darcy, and Tony held back. Steve started to pick up the mess they’d made and Darcy started to help him. She peeked up at Tony and saw him half-heartedly flipping through Pepper’s passport.
Darcy suddenly felt bad; Tony was fun to tease when he had comically outsized reactions, but beneath that, it wasn’t hard to tell that Tony’s ego was very, very fragile and very dependent on what his friends thought of him. When that side of Tony came out, teasing him wasn’t any fun at all.
Tony would never, ever admit to any of that, of course, so Darcy didn’t bother saying anything. Instead, she grabbed a piece of paper off the coffee table, scribbled her Twitter username and password, and handed it to Tony without a word. She went back to helping Steve but, when she looked at Tony, he was smiling at her. She smiled back.
Once the room was clean, they caught up with Thor and Jane and celebrated Darcy’s glorious achievement. Their celebration was briefly interrupted by Pepper stopping in to retrieve her passport; Tony must have told her what happened, because before she left, she came up to Darcy, congratulated her, and thanked her for finally settling the Mjolnir debate (which Pepper was so tired of hearing about).
After the party, Darcy was still the fun kind of drunk, so she and Jane locked themselves in Darcy’s room with a bunch of blankets, some ice cream, and enough John Hughes movies to last them well into the next day.
They were both asleep before the end of Pretty in Pink.
The next morning, Darcy extracted herself from the blankets. She was careful not to wake Jane up and only spilled a tiny bit of melted ice cream on the blankets as she escaped their nest. Grabbing her phone, she decided to see what kind of damage Tony had done to her Twitter.
There were about 15 new tweets but, to Darcy’s surprise, they weren’t a bunch of obnoxious comments and memes. Instead, there were a few tame Captain America jokes, a bunch of selfies of Steve and Tony making dumb faces, and, in a tweet posted only a few minutes earlier, a picture of car keys lying on what looked like her kitchen table.
“About time,” Steve grinned as Darcy wandered into her kitchen. He was sitting at the table drinking coffee and, when she came closer, he held up the keys and jingled them. Laughing, Darcy swooped in, grabbed the keys, took his coffee mug out of his hand, placed it on the table, and kissed him.
Later, when she, Steve, and Jane went to check out her new car, Darcy found a five thousand dollar check from Tony tucked behind the visor. Laughing, she showed it to Steve.
“Well, I guess the moral of this story is…” Darcy started. She grinned. “‘Please’ really is the magic word!”