Work Text:
July 18, 1992
Dear friend,
My girlfriend is dead.
I killed her.
My friends say I didn’t, but I did. They just don’t know what I know. They don’t know what happened that night.
I don’t even know what happened. I didn’t answer the phone.
I only heard the voicemails the next morning when it was too late. It had already been done.
They play like a broken records in my head. I’ve memorized them.
The first two days I played them on repeat from the phone. Maybe as some sort of punishment or out of pure shock and disbelief.
My older sister took the phone and erased them in front of me, I still haven't spoken to her since. She says it was because it wasn’t healthy. But I think it was because I was hogging the phone.
Kaede was type of girl who would constantly say things she wouldn’t actually do.
You know. I’ve told you. It was annoying.
I was getting tired of her.
But now I stay up all night because of her.
She told me that night she was going to cut her bangs. It reminded me of the multiple times she’d call me saying she’d dye her hair.
She never dyed her hair. Never bought it either.
I got a call that I reluctantly answered. The number I memorized brought out a tired sigh from me.
She said she was going to cut her bangs. A two-hour call of her trying to get me to convince her not to. I didn’t really care, both because I knew she wouldn’t and because I liked her no matter what she changed about herself.
That call also lingers in my head. I spent hours looking into every single sentence that left her lips. There were so many signs that something was wrong with her.
She was going to kill herself. She was telling me she was going to kill herself. And was using me to convince herself not to. It was painfully clear now.
Kaede never liked people worrying about her and she’d rather eat dirt than tell me she was contemplating suicide that night. Ironic considering she’d preach for communication; I wonder if she ever noticed how one-sided it all was.
I told her to go for it. Do whatever makes her happy.
I’ll only tell you this. I was having a bad day. And if she ever stopped talking, I would’ve told her why.
I was tired of hearing her say she was going to do things she wasn’t going to do. She was making a big deal about the smallest thing. This was always followed by some half assed excuse on why she didn’t do it when I saw her the next morning.
Countless of bluffs that made one think she was had any capability to change herself.
I had caught onto her trying to lure any form of retaliation from me not too long after she started. Eventually, my patience ran thin, and I said things I am not proud of.
Who cares if you do? The world will keep spinning. It really isn’t that big of a deal.
And you’re not really going to do it anyway.
“I mean there's just so much after cutting them, if you do it wrong of course. But also, if I do it right, its smooth sailing from there-”
“Oh my god Kaede just cut them! It really isn't that big of a deal! Who cares if you do! I don’t care. The world will keep spinning. You can just grow them out or wear a headband if it's really that bad, you’re not going to make a news headline for such an unimportant physical change. Either way we both know you’re not really going to do it anyway.”
She stayed silent for a moment. It had never spoken to her like that in our entire relationship, granted we’d only been dating for a few months at this point.
Begrudgingly to my conscious now, I continued, “Please Kaede... stop wasting my time with stuff you’re never actually going to do. It's the same thing nearly every day. I’m tired. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry Shuichi. Good night. I love you. So much.” Her voice shook. Was it fear? In that moment had she decided what she was going to do? It had to have been.
I’m not sure if my mind has dramatized what it really was, the tone was unusual. Incredibly unusual for the bright girl everyone knew her as.
As her boyfriend I should’ve asked, I should’ve called back. Who cares if I had a shitty day, she would’ve done the same for me.
In the end of it all, I wasn’t there for her like I should’ve been.
“I love you too.” I said back, the phone already hovering away from my ear. I had been dying to put it down, for the conversation to be over.
She made another sound as I hung up on her. She started crying. A sharp exhale that permitted a waterfall to escape from her eyes, I am too familiar with the feeling.
She called me many times later that night. Instead of telling me she was cutting her bangs it was about how she was going to cut her wrists to end it all.
She begged me to answer the phone.
“Shuichi please just answer the phone. Please.” Her breath was erratic, she’d been crying for a while, and it showed no sign of stopping.
“I know- I know I don’t ever do anything I tell you. But I seriously think I am this time. I just feel so- so empty. Everyone I love is sick of me and I'm sick of myself.”
It was the first I heard of her feeling like that.
“I can hear it in your voice, I can tell by your look, the way you’re obviously thinking about something else when I've talked for too long. I know when you’re desperate to get away from me. But you stay because you do love me. It's just hard to keep loving me. To find reasons to stay.”
I wished I could say loving her was easy, I wish I could’ve told her it was all worth it anyway. If loving her was painful then I guess I’m a masochist.
“I’m sorry you have to be around me. I’m sorry that I'm not what you want me to be, or what I was when you met me.”
I’ve never held her to any standards that I've wanted her to be at. I complain but there is no ‘better’ version of her in my head. That would be rich coming from me, Kaede had always been out of my league.
“If you just answer- please- I know its late and you obviously can’t hear me- but the sound of your voice will put me back in place.” She then groaned in frustration, regretting her words, “No. That sounds like this’ll be your fault. I’m sorry. It's not. If I do it, it's not your fault. It's everyone else's. You’re my reason for living. You’re the reason I look forward to waking up in the morning. And even if you do decide I'm not what you want I'll be glad to still be on the same planet as you. To know you’re healthy and happy would make me go on for lifetimes.”
“I don’t know where this came from. I’m never like this. It's like you told me one time, you just get a wave of hatred for yourself and your place in life.”
“Please. Please. Please. Please. Just answer. Let me just hear your voice. Tell me I won’t do it again. I never do it. I won’t do it. You’ll see me tomorrow. This’ll pass. I’m okay.”
There was more but I can’t write anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I did this to her. If I had just answered, my voice would’ve saved her.
My voice would’ve saved her. She loved me so much.
[no sign off]
August 30th, 1991
Dear friend,
I got a girlfriend.
Sorry I've never talked about her.
I have, actually, its Kaede.
I’ve mentioned her a few times.
But I've never talked about her. I didn’t want to jinx it. Or get your hopes up, if you even care.
Shes so pretty. Way out of my league.
And she’s so nice. She is too nice.
She’s friends with everyone because she is so nice. She is nice to have around.
I don’t think I've ever used nice that many times back-to-back, but it’s a perfect way to describe her.
I’m confused on how she got stuck with me. But if I were to ever tell her she’d scold me.
What she sees in me is something I'll never understand. But I'm glad she sees it. I’m a very lucky person.
I would’ve never told her I liked her. In my mind it was asking to be humiliated, how full of myself would I have had to be to even THINK I had a chance?
Even if my friends told me she did. I didn’t think so. In my mind she was like that with everyone. It’s easy to be fooled, I wasn’t going to join that crowd of boys.
I told you how we met, I think. We got partnered up for an English project. She did most of the talking while I just nodded and smiled. I was too flustered to say anything to her, scared I'd say something wrong then my social life (nearly non-existent) would be obliterated.
She has this aura to herself that could make anyone comfortable around her. It’s dangerous!
And she knows it too. That it’s there, not that it’s a dangerous weapon...
She still carried the conversations. Eventually I was forming almost full sentences.
She said something I'll never forget or ever understand how she got to that point.
“You make me feel like myself.”
What did that mean?
I hadn’t said anything or done anything worthy of her saying that. But if it meant I could keep seeing her smile, and be the reason for it, I don’t need an explanation.
For some reason she’s very committed to making me happy. Even more now with the labels.
I don’t mind. I like it. I like that she cares so much about me. And apparently, I don’t even have to try to do the same for her. Don’t be fooled, I really do try.
She’s great. I got really lucky.
Speak to you soon,
Shuichi Saihara
September 10th, 1991
Dear friend,
My relationship is going well. It's hard because I've never been in something like this before. It's different. A good kind of different.
I think it being Kaede makes it easier. All my friends say she wears the pants in the relationship. I don’t know what that means and I’m too afraid to ask.
We went to homecoming together. That was a lot of fun.
Something weird did happen, when we were out for dinner before the dance started. She saw some old friends from her elementary/middle school.
She did mention once that she used to go to a private school before moving to this high school.
The point is, she was horrified. The look on her face was out of character and incredibly alarming. I think she was in genuine distress at the sight of those familiar faces.
I didn’t know why, and I didn’t want to ask. Not at that moment at least. So, we just moved along. She was radiating with anxiety the entire dinner; it would put my own anxiety to shame.
That night, I slept over at her house. (I know, I know.)
I was actually going to throw up when I stepped foot in her house. Thankfully, I kept my dinner down, that would be a horrible first impression. Ok well not first impression, it wasn’t the first time I had gone over... but it was the first time I've slept over; and I am her boyfriend.
When I asked, she told me she had a really hard time at her old school. There was a group of people who didn’t like her and made sure she knew it.
Which I thought was crazy. Who wouldn’t like her? The only reason someone wouldn’t like her is because she is too nice. But being too nice isn’t even a bad quality.
Kaede didn’t understand why they didn’t like her either.
She said it was okay because everything is better now. It was just hard seeing them again after she shut all of that out. It is embarrassing to admit that this was a change of perspective for me about her, I guess I had put her on some sort of pedestal and this information made me realize that we could relate on some aspects.
She always tells me not to shut my emotions or traumas out, but there she was telling me she did. But I am in no place to call her out on it.
I wish she’d talk to me about that stuff.
She switched the subject quickly.
Kaede doesn't like talking about herself too much, unless it's to me. I like it when she talks about herself. I like it when she talks.
She is a people pleaser; she puts others before herself. I think it's because she’s desperate for people to like her. And it works.
Everyone likes her.
Oh, and I'm 16 now. It was my birthday on the 7th.
Kaede got me some books I've been wanting for a while, now I'm taking note of everything she wants so that I could do the same when her birthday rolls around.
Do you think it’s too early to say I love her?
When is the right time to say I love you?
Maybe I'll just wait till she says it first, then I'll just say it more than she does after that.
I don’t really know how to love someone, but she makes me want to learn how.
Sorry I don’t want to get all sappy whenever I write about her. You probably don’t want to hear that.
Speak to you soon,
Shuichi Saihara
July 23rd, 1992
Dear friend,
Her funeral was yesterday.
I didn’t want to go. I really didn’t want to go. It was originally going to be an open casket.
I cannot wrap my head around the concept of an open casket. I understand it’s to see the person one last time but that isn’t really them. It wasn’t themself who got them ready, they were just made presentable for your own satisfaction. I’m not sure how to celebrate the life of someone when I’m looking at their deceased body, is it right because they were altered to be seen one last time? Of course, death looked beautiful on her, she has the same makeup as Madonna.
Anyway, I did not want that to be the last time I saw her. But Kaito told me I had to; I had to because I am her boyfriend. Nonetheless, the casket was closed so it didn’t matter. I didn’t stay long, I pulled an Irish goodbye and slipped away.
I couldn’t stand being there. I hated knowing she was right there.
Her mother gave a speech, and all I could hear was the voicemails.
As a distraction I stared at the framed picture of her beside the casket. With a beautiful assortment of flowers to compliment the outfit she wore in the picture; it was before one of her piano recitals. Probably her favorite picture of herself.
She was so beautiful. I swear she was speaking to me. Begging me to pick up the phone. I stopped staring at the picture, settling for my hands instead.
I didn’t cry at all. I couldn’t let myself cry; this was basically my fault. Do the people know that she would still be here if I hadn’t gone to sleep earlier?
Her mother hates me. I know it. When she had greeted me, she didn’t look me in the eyes.
I killed her daughter, and she knows it.
I stood awkwardly to the side as her family conversed and cried before the service started. Her father came up to me, I expected a punch in the gut of some sort. Instead, he civilly stood beside me with proper posture that put my slouch to shame, and asked me a question, “How are you holding up?”
“I’ve been going.” I replied, looking down at the floor. A cowardice action from me, he probably hated that I was dating his daugther.
He let out a sad laugh, “Did you see it coming?”
I knew what he meant but still I asked for clarification, “See what coming, sir?”
“Her killing herself.”
I could go back with the knowledge I have now and still not see this coming.
“No. Never.” I truthfully answered.
He nodded and that was the end of that. He left me alone. Maybe he knew then.
Kaede never seemed like the type to kill herself. But who is? What are the qualifications to be suicidal?
She hated herself. She was sick of herself and knew others were too.
But she loved living. She lived every day like it was her last. She knew how she wanted people to remember her.
She said that she had this sudden rush of hatred, it didn’t happen often- it caught her off guard. I can relate to that, when a wave of self-loathing hits without warning.
She said it wasn’t my fault it was theirs. Who were they?
Had the past finally caught up to her?
She didn’t know what to do with it, so she killed herself.
Why did she kill herself?
People don’t just have a bad night and decide this is it. It’s a series of nights where you think that’s it, but still never go through with it. Then something big catches you at the wrong time and throws you off the edge. It dangles you by your feet over a ditch before putting you back on the ground, you’re scared and decide that you could go another day.
Kaede must’ve had a series of nights like this. She never did things without reason. She never actually does it.
She never actually dyes her hair.
She never pierces her nose.
She never does her makeup differently.
Never watches the movies other people recommend.
But she did cut her bangs.
Actually.
She did, and it suited her.
Take care,
Shuichi Saihara
September 28th, 1991
Hi Shuichi!
I found out I can write you a letter, it might take a while to get to you though... Sorry!
I might be home by the time you do. You might’ve already heard everything, so I'll just keep it short just in case.
It's so pretty here! You can see the stars so clearly. I wish a picture could capture its beauty as good as eyes could. That would be one expensive camera... I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it.
I got to ride a horse! I've never done that before. It was a little scary I’ll admit. I think one time is good enough for me haha.
My aunt has the most beautiful piano. It’s a gorgeous brown with engravements on the sides. As obsessed as I am with the looks, I’m crazier about how it sounds. I’ve been playing it nonstop, do you think this’ll fit on the plane back with me? Would I have to buy it a ticket?
My cousins found some oldie songs that play on the record player, so they’re like... really old. I think you’d like them. I wrote down the songs to burn them on cassette for you, so get excited.
I’ve also gone to the beach soo many times. I’m about a whole shade darker with a crazy tan! Going back home to the beach no farther than 2 hours away is going to be soo weird.
I like California. Maybe we can move here someday.
A ranch or a beach house, your pick, I love both. I’m going to make such a beautiful life for myself, no matter what it takes. And I'll bring you along, of course, I couldn’t do anything without you.
I miss you so so much. There are so many things that happened that I'm dying to tell you but, you’re too far for the phone.... and that’d cost a lot. Welp, I guess I'm going to have to spend a whole day with you, oh no! Haha.
Oh! I got you some things. I think you’ll like it a lot. Geez it's hard being an indecisive girl away from her boyfriend, I should’ve brought you as a carry on.
Writing letters is so fun, I see why you do it. What do you write?
Are you totally lost without me?
I am without you! It's weird how dependent I've become on you. Not a bad weird. I like it.
I like having someone to lean on. Someone to always turn back to. You’re like my rock.
You really don’t know how much you mean to me, and it might be too early to say that but even when we were friends it always felt like you were my better half.
My heart knew we were supposed to be something, do you remember what I said to you during our English project? I meant it. Obviously.
I can’t wait to hear about your fall break. And if it didn't go so well, I can’t wait to hold you to make you feel better about it.
I’ve been thinking a lot, I don’t really like being alone with myself. I like being with people.
I miss you, if I didn’t say that already.
Okay I need to go now! I miss you! Love you! Can’t wait to kiss you!
Yours forever and always,
Kaede Akamatsu
November 8th, 1991
Dear friend,
I need your honest opinions. Tell me if I'm a total asshole.
My girlfriend is incredibly annoying sometimes.
I just want to get up and walk away. Get away from her.
And I feel horrible about it. I am here for her.
I still like her a lot. That hasn’t changed.
But she talks my ear off. At first, it's okay I like hearing her talk and I'm always excited about what she has to tell me.
But to a certain point I just want her to shut up. It just sounds like she talks just to hear her own voice. Nothing she says makes sense. And it's irritating. I wish she would stop talking.
And another thing, every night when we talk on the phone, she always has something she is “going” to do.
She makes a big deal about it, talks herself out of it, convinces herself again, tries to get me to talk her out of it, and concludes that she’s going to do it then says goodnight.
The next day, she comes to school the same. Then gives some lame half assed excuse on why she didn’t. There's always something stopping her.
I’m not upset that she didn’t alter her appearance like she said she would, I couldn’t care less.
What irks me is: she lies. When she could’ve given the truth of “I just didn’t want to anymore” or that her mom said no, maybe even she had to do chores and never got around to it!
It's always unnecessarily dramatic.
How many hair dyes can you be allergic to? You’re not even allowed to leave the house after 5pm, you were not browsing a hair care aisle.
Why are you lying? What's the point? Does she want attention? Do I not give her enough attention?
Is it bad I'm thinking about her like this? It's just irritating.
And after all this she does something that reminds me of why I love her. So, I feel like I got upset for no reason.
I shouldn’t be getting mad at my girlfriend for talking too much, or for not doing things she said she should do.
Maybe I'll talk to her about it.
Talk to you soon,
Shuichi Saihara
August 8th, 1992
Dear friend,
I am going insane.
I see her. When I sleep and when I'm awake.
It's worse when I'm asleep.
I see her dead. Just on the floor, the edge of my bed, above me, standing in front of me, next to me. Staring into my soul with sunken eyes that I don’t recognize.
Sometimes she stands there, and the skin melts off her bones like a candle wax getting eaten away by fire. When the sun rises it’s only a skeleton, when it’s fully up and out, I’m alone in my room again.
Sometimes she looks more dead than the other nights. With maggots making themselves at home.
Or she looks alive but isn’t. It’s uncanny, a very well-done undead Halloween costume.
When I'm awake I just see her around. Looking at me. Her tear-stained face.
Sometimes she actually has bangs. And dyed hair, or a pierced nose. Everything she never did. It helps bring me back into reality, she would never do those things. It wasn’t her.
She just stands there; she doesn’t talk to me.
I wish she would talk.
Sometimes she screams. She screams at me incoherently with rage and sorrow.
It doesn’t faze me; I take it how it is. I let her scream, I let her stare, and I watch as she becomes nothing but bare bones. It is my punishment. It is a manifestation of my guilt, and I deserve it.
Kaito said I stare into nothing a lot, and I fidget and shake when I do.
“It's like that phrase; lights are one but nobodies' home.” he elaborated.
“That means he’s stupid, dumbass.” Maki jabbed her elbow into his side with a face of disapproval.
Kaito's eyes widened with guilt, “No not like that! Like you’re here, but you’re not actually here. Mentally. You’re a shell of a person.”
“Thats even worse!” Maki his him once more, “He doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.”
But he is right. I am not fully here. I am down there with her.
I don’t know how to get out.
I’m not sure I want too either.
I deserve this. I can’t move on. I can’t get out. I did this to her. It should be me instead of her. She should be writing these letters; she should be here.
I deserve to die.
There are so many reasons why she should live, and I shouldn’t. She could do so much more than I can.
Is there even peace for me on the other side?
Take care,
Shuichi Saihara
January 30th, 1992
Dear friend,
Things have gone wrong.
Terribly wrong.
I was with Kaito and Maki at a football game. Kaede had piano practice today so she couldn’t go. I was third wheeling really bad!
I don’t even like football games, it’s loud and there's too many people, but Kaito convinced me to go. I don’t know why I listened; it wouldn’t have made a difference if I hadn’t gone.
When it all became too much, I went and sat away from the football field. Not too far but far enough so it wasn’t too loud. I’d go back after a few minutes; Maki was my ride home.
Anyways, I wasn’t fully alone, there were groups of people scattered around doing their own thing. Which made me look more like a loser for sitting alone.
I was snapped out of my thoughts when I noticed a group of girls coming towards me, it was too late for me to get up and walk away.
“You know Kaede right?” One of them asked. I’ve never seen this girl in my life.
The pair of colors they all wore told me they were from the opposing school. A private school.... the private school Kaede used to go to. A k-12 school.
Kaede didn’t have piano practice today. She lied to me.
“You’re her boyfriend?” Another one asked.
There were four of them. It was not the group of people we saw the night of homecoming.
“Mhm.” I managed to hum. There was no available exit for me, whatever this was, it wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have.
“You know her or you’re her boyfriend? Oh no! You know her and you’re her boyfriend!” Is what the first one said, or something dumb like that.
“Who are you?” I came off harsher than I had intended, but at the time I had the impression that these girls were mean to Kaede when they went to school with her.
“Where is she?”
“Not here.” I quickly replied, as if that wasn’t the obvious answer.
I didn’t know these girls' intentions or who they were. Who they were to Kaede. Kaede never told me anything about her old school.
“We used to be her friends at her old school. She told us she likes going to the football games, so we thought she’d be here.”
“We actually were her friends, she’ll tell you if you ask, we aren’t the ones who bullied her. If that’s what that look on your face means.”
I didn’t know I had a look on my face but that was what I was thinking.
Then the girls sat down around me and started talking to me. It was weird. And if anyone were to see this it would look weird.
These girls would also just talk and talk. I felt like I was intruding on their conversation.
Then they moved onto the past, specifically about Kaede.
And I found out everything. It was the whole friend group that was bullied and Kaede stood up for them, so she got the worst of it.
It was sad. I don’t understand why anyone would do that to Kaede. She took all the harassment so that her friends would get less of it. It sounded very in character for her, I didn’t doubt it for a second.
I wish she would’ve told me, at least some of it. I just wish I didn’t hear it from girls whose names I learned not even 2 hours ago and can’t remember now.
I had to act like the information didn’t faze me, because it wasn’t like they were informing me on it, they assumed I already knew, they were just discussing it. I think that’s even worse.
This took up the whole football game, they just said bye and left. Not knowing I just learned about a huge part of Kaede's life.
Did I know her at all?
I didn’t know what to do, do I ask her about it? In person or over the phone? Did she want me to know? It's not like I asked, I hadn’t said anything the whole time.
I called her. She was her usual cheerful self; I didn’t want to ruin her mood, but I needed to ask.
Was she really, okay? How is she coping with this since it wasn’t long ago? I just wanted her to talk to me like I'd talk to her with serious stuff. She probably knew every nook and cranny of my life.
She stayed silent after I asked.
She tripped over her words, “Everything? You know everything? How- who told you.” I hadn’t ever heard her like that, her voice was cold. She wasn’t asking who told me, she was demanding an answer.
I had never seen Kaede mad, irritated yes, mad never.
She wasn’t yelling at first, but she kept the same cold irritated tone. It was something that didn’t suit her at all. And it was towards me, directed at me. Like I had done something wrong. Had I?
She was scolding me because it was none of my business.
“But why wouldn’t you tell me? I tell you everything. Why did you lie to me about your reason for skipping the game? It isn’t fair, I should’ve at least gotten a small explanation.” I said, “I’m not asking for the story, you could’ve told me you were uncomfortable with going.”
She didn’t like that at all. Then she started shouting. She got very defensive and mean. I didn’t even think I was talking to Kaede anymore.
I stood there and thought: is this really the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with?
A girl who lies for no reason.
Who talks until I want to get far away from her.
Who expects me to tell her everything and yells at me when I ask for the same back.
Maybe who I thought she wasn’t who she really is.
Kaede probably knows that she isn’t who she presents herself to be. So, she covers it with fake confidence, her big mouth, her charisma, by being a people pleaser and social butterfly.
I hung up on her.
I felt horrible about it. Maybe it wasn’t the most mature thing to do but I didn’t want to get yelled at for doing nothing wrong. The one-sided argument wasn’t going anywhere. If anything, I probably saved her from doing irreversible damage to our relationship- that is already a sinking ship, mind you.
I’m still taking it in. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I am a bad boyfriend.
I still love her. I’m just confused.
Is this how relationships are?
Things aren’t so great right now.
More later,
Shuichi Saihara
Pros to being Kaedes boyfriend:
- She is very nice
- She is a good listener
- She knows how to make me feel better
- She is my best friend
- Makes me happy
- Always makes time for me
- She makes me feel comfortable
- I love seeing her smile
- She appreciates me a lot even if I don’t think I deserve it
- Uplifting
Cons:
- Doesn't know when to stop talking
- Secretive
- Lies for no reason
- Lashes out (?)
- Doesn’t talk about deep stuff about herself
-Toxic positivity (?)
Am I a bad boyfriend?
February 4th, 1992
Hi,
I’m really sorry. I’ve tried calling you, obviously you probably know because it's your sister or mom saying you’re busy. And you’re avoiding me at school.
I don’t want to follow you around and force you to listen to me when you’re just trying to get to class. I'm writing you a letter as a final attempt. And if it looks like you didn’t read it, I'll assume we’re over. Not that you would know that if you don’t read this.
I shouldn’t have yelled at you like I did. I shouldn’t have gotten angry at you. You did nothing wrong. You were just curious about something I should’ve told you about.
I promise I'm not actually like this. I swear. I’m not an angry person. Please believe me or at least give me a chance to show you that I'm not.
I never told you because I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t like talking about it. It brings up unneeded feelings, I don’t like feeling sad.
I’m okay, I'm healing so why talk about it and remember all those feelings again? I don’t want you to connect this horrible sob story to me. It's not who I am. I don’t want it apart of me. And even though I don’t have control over how it affects me, at least I can control who knows. No one would ever guess that I was bullied, so I'm doing a good job.
But I at least should’ve given you a small explanation. Instead of lying about having a reason to not go.
I trust you, and I want you to trust me. I will talk to you about my problems.
I’m sorry for yelling at you. It’s a tough subject and I hated that you had to hear about it from my friends. But that is not your fault.
I don’t want you to see me as this broken bullied girl who is mean liar that could lash out at you for having concern over me. I don’t want you to walk around eggshells around me. I’m supposed to be your safe space.
I want to be kind, warm and loving. I want to have an open heart and attentive ears. I want you to know that I care about you, and I'll talk and listen to you.
You know who I am, and that really is who I am, please don’t doubt it.
If you do read this, please talk to me.
Yours forever and always,
Kaede Akamatsu
August 10th, 1992
Dear friend,
I don’t know how she did it.
Kaede once cried over a scraped knee. Kaede hated when she bled, if she ever hit herself on something, she’d always check for blood instantly. There would be a certain kind of relief on her face when there was none.
I tried. I tried to do it how she did, and I couldn’t even finish the first arm.
I drove myself to the hospital before it could get bad. I got blood all over my pants, these are nice pants. I wonder if they ever got it out of her floor.
I don’t know what my full intention was when I did it. Did I want to die? Why did I want to die? Did I want to know what she felt?
I stopped as soon as it hurt too bad. Turns out, I am not that desperate to die.
So, what was it really that pushed her that far? Kaede wasn’t too impulsive, obviously, or else she would’ve done all the things she said she’d do. How did I not notice?
When I'm not seeing her, I'm thinking about her. Sometimes I go to call her to tell her about it and I realize I can’t.
I just want to know why and just maybe she’ll leave me alone. I want closure. Then I could grieve and heal like other people.
My mom yelled at me at the hospital, “Just because she did it doesn’t make suicide acceptable! Seriously Shuichi what do you have going on that’s so bad that you’d do this? You’re just grieving! Everything else in your life is great! So many other people have it worse than you.”
It's weird when parents yell at their kid for trying to kill themselves.
So many people do have it worse than me, I had it worse than Kaede. Yet I'm still here. What makes suicide justifiable? Why does my mom get to decide if I'm allowed to want to kill myself?
Everything's so weird.
Why did she do it?
Take care,
Shuichi Saihara
February 14th, 1992
Dear friend,
Happy Valentines Day
Sorry I haven’t written in a few days; I know I usually write every day, but I haven’t been doing so well lately.
I got mail from Kaede a few days ago. My sister gave it to me. Even though I told her and my mom to not answer her calls, I thought she’d know that applies for letters too.
It was just sitting on my desk until I finally decided to read it.
I had avoided her at school. I didn’t want to talk to her. I don’t know. Maki and Kaito told me to talk to her, but I couldn’t. All I could think about was her yelling at me.
I don’t want it to sound like she can’t get upset, like I'm having a crisis because she broke the vision of her in my head. I’m just surprised.
I don’t know. I’m confused. I’m thinking of her negatively and I don’t like it.
Everything was so quiet.
I read the letter and called her immediately after. I'd never heard someone pick up the phone so quickly.
She sounded so lost. Her letter sounded like she didn’t expect it herself.
But we talked it out and we’re okay.
I’m actually going to stay over at her house tonight. I just wanted to update you.
Things are okay.
Speak to you soon,
Shuichi Saihara
February 4th, 1991
Dear Shuichi,
This might be a false alarm like the others, but I think tonight I'm really going to do it.
And I'm really sorry to leave you.
There's so much I want to say but my hands can’t keep up with my thoughts haha.
This isn’t your fault. It's mine. It's theirs. Never yours. And just because this whole thing may have triggered this is still not your fault.
The truth is, I'm probably not who you think I am. Not completely.
I am who I present myself to other people and yourself. I’m not lying. But sometimes I get sad.
Which is normal. But other people see me as someone who has no problems, who doesn’t hurt themself, cry themself to sleep, or be the type to write their boyfriend a suicide letter every once and awhile.
But I am. Everything is how I want it to be now, I am happy most of the time. The past catches up to me from time to time. And it’s always at the worst time. I don’t try to run from it, I want to try to heal but running is the more convenient option sometimes.
If I ever die people will wonder why, because I had it all.
That’s okay, that’s how I want to be remembered.
“She was so happy I could’ve never seen it coming.”
Good. I didn’t want you to see it. I don’t want you to know me that way because most of the time I wasn’t.
Things just caught me at a bad time.
I just wanted to clear that up, because you are one of the people who will sit and wonder why I did it.
I know it's horrible I didn’t tell you but for the most part I'm okay. I’ll get over it and see you the next day. And you’ll never know it happened. I still get to be your happy girlfriend.
You’ll never see this. But I'm sorry for writing it anyway.
I wish I could talk to you.
That conversation will come up when you see all these letters in a pretty pink box.
Yours forever and always,
Kaede Akamatsu
August 23rd, 1992
Dear friend,
This is short but I just needed to tell you.
Kaedes sister called me over to her house.
She wanted to give me some of Kaede's things.
Apparently, they’d talked about dying one day and wrote wills together.
A normal sister thing to do.
Her room looked like a mess, when it was usually neat.
There was a huge blood stain on the floor.
She died here. She cried for me to answer in here.
I almost left but her sister grabbed my arm (the bad one) and dragged me in.
For a moment I saw some of Kaede in her, they are identical.
I told her I didn’t want to be in here. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t be here. Where she took my breath away and where she took her last breath.
Her sister understood and gave me one thing, a box. And a few other trinkets of hers.
I took one last look at her room and left.
I stared at the pink box on my desk like that letter she sent me after our first and last fight.
And when I finally opened it, I saw so many more letters. In different colors of glitter gel pens, she hated normal pens.
It was a box of suicide letters directed at me.
It wasn’t the first time.
And there wasn’t one from the last time.
Unfaithfully yours,
Shuichi Saihara
August 30th, 1992
Dear friend,
I haven’t gotten back at you in a while.
My mind is spiraling.
It's all come together, and I don’t know how I feel about it. It hurts even more.
I've been reading back these letters.
So many times, where she didn’t do it.
She had a lot of bad nights, and I didn’t even know.
She didn’t want me to know. I don’t understand the way she thinks. I wouldn’t have remembered her in the way she thought. If she told me maybe I wouldn’t have to remember her.
I overheard my parents when I was going to get water last night.
My house has two phones. The one me and my sister share, and the other for my parents.
My dad was talking about going through voicemails on the phone. He was looking for one he missed from work.
“But then there was this voicemail of a girl crying. I think it might’ve been Shuichi's girlfriend.”
“Oh my god, delete those. That poor girl.”
I went to my parents’ room and locked the door.
That night, my parents were out for dinner. It was just me and my sister. I went to bed early because I had a bad day. I slept through the phone ringing. My half-asleep sister picked up the phone and hung up then silenced both the phones. She said she thought it was telemarketers and prank callers.
That’s why I didn’t answer. I had no alternative motive. I never wanted to ignore Kaede's calls. I would never.
I listened to the voice mails. There was only one.
“I know this is your parent’s phone but- I think I'm dying. The bleeding won’t stop. Shuichi, I didn’t want this. I don’t want to die. I didn’t mean for it to be like this. I don’t know why I did this- and I don’t know why I'm not trying to get help.”
“After all those letters I know now this isn’t what I want. But I feel like I deserve it.”
“This was an accident, I promise- you’re right I never do it. I never do anything I say I'll do because I'm scared. I like myself the way I am- I like being with you and being able to breath with you.”
“I’m going to get help. But if it doesn’t work out for me. I love you. I’m sorry. This isn’t how I wanted things to go. See you tomorrow.”
My parents heard me scream and knocked the door down. They thought I was trying to kill myself again.
I should’ve.
It was an accident.
She didn’t want things to go that way.
She didn’t really want to die.
But she didn’t get help like she said she would.
They said she stayed there and let it happen.
She didn’t really do it.
She never really does things she says she will.
But she did cut her bangs.
Kaede was the brightest girl I knew. She lit up every room she walked into.
She struggled. People did hurt her. She had some bad nights.
And it was an accident that led to her death.
She was human.
She was beautiful.
I think she is perfect.
I regret wanting her to shut up. And thinking she was a liar. She was none of that. I just didn’t understand her. I wish I did. I could’ve with time.
Maybe she was meant to die young.
I don’t see her anymore.
I wish I could today, it's our one-year anniversary.
Yours forever and always,
Shuichi Saihara
June 8th, 2001
Dear friend,
I just recently found all the letters I wrote when I felt like I needed someone to talk to. I thought putting ‘dear friend,’ made me look less crazy than if I had put ‘dear me,’. It’d look like a bunch of pen pal letters that were never sent.
But these were all to myself amid my teenage angst.
I haven’t written in a really long time.
I’m 25 now. I graduated college 2 years ago and I’m trying to become a detective.
A lot has happened since I last wrote. Nothing interesting at all though.
I’m ignoring the elephant in the room right now. I know where I last left off, and now I'm here 9 years later not mentioning it at all.
There's nothing much to say about it honestly. Or I don’t really want to talk about it.
I don’t know why I started writing when I have nothing to tell you. I’ve gone to therapy. I’ve moved out of that town. They tore down her house a few years back.
I don’t know where her family lives now. But I know her sister is still living in our hometown.
I don’t like thinking about her because it’s not happiness that is brought back to me, its pain and sadness.
I don’t want to talk about it. Everyone asks. I don’t answer. She’s gone, what more is there to discuss? I’m 25 and she’s forever 16.
Sincerely,
Your friend Shuichi Saihara
August 30th, 2001
Dear friend,
I want to talk about it.
I do; I always do.
I say I'm over it, but I see her in every little thing, and I want it to stop.
It's not that I blame myself. I’m not holding onto it because I feel like I need to punish myself for what I did to her. When I read back the many suicide notes there was not an ounce of resentment or hatred towards me.
All of them are directed towards me and they’re all riddled with apologies.
They aren’t to her sister, her parents or her friends.
It's not my fault, I know that. I’ve accepted she’s gone and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. All these letters tell me it was going to happen eventually.
We’d be together for a decade today.
All I can think of is what we’d do today. Would we be married? How long would we have been married for? Would we live together? Did she want kids? What would we do today?
I have had to remember her longer than I've known her.
I don’t think of the bad, just like she asked.
Sometimes I slip and I hear the voicemails again. 9 years later and I can still hear them as clearly as they were that morning.
But I can also hear her say, “You make me feel like myself.” I hadn’t even known her for a month. I wish I knew what I did to make her say that. I wish I knew what was so special about me to her.
I tried dating again in college. This girl who’d I always catch staring at me in class.
She asked me out and I hesitantly agreed. She was pretty and nice.
Kaito and Maki were proud of me for putting myself out there again.
She was really loud and out there. Sometimes she was a little bit too much.
We dated for at least 5 months. I tried to like her the way I should’ve. But I couldn’t. I don’t know if it’s because I felt like I was betraying Kaede in some way or I just couldn’t do romance anymore.
She moved way too fast. She wanted to move in with me. I had never imagined a girl who wasn’t Kaede living with me.
Living on my own, I would think about her while doing the smallest things.
Doing my laundry, washing the dishes, watching tv, making dinner, taking a shower, going to sleep, leaving for my classes, anything and everything.
All the while I had a girlfriend.
I was quick to break things off.
She understood. She understood because she found the box I hid in my closet. She was really nosey.
“Do you know how weird it is to have a box of your late girlfriends suicide notes?” She asked. With no aggression.
“It's unusual.” I replied.
“Why do you keep them?” There was genuine confusion in her tone. This was something I couldn’t explain to her because I couldn’t begin to think how to.
“She wanted me to have them. Her sister gave them to me.”
“Dozens of letters that were never sent to you, but she wanted you to, have it? That doesn’t really make sense.” She muttered to herself, but it wasn’t quiet enough for me to miss.
“She’d always say she’d do things, and never did them. She wrote these letters thinking it was the end, but she never ended it.”
“Oh.” Her face twisted at the morbid thought, “You got really unlucky, Shuichi.”
“What?”
“Sorry, that was mean.”
“What did you mean?”
“I understand why you can’t be with me. Thank you for not forcing yourself to continue this.”
She didn’t answer my question.
“Why am I unlucky?”
“I feel like she made it, so you’d never get over her.” She finally answered, “A box filled with suicide notes directed towards you. Why did she keep them? If she never thought she’d really do it, what did she really plan to do with them?”
I was never meant to see them. But Kaede told her sister to give me the box if she ever died.
“So, she’d leave with an explanation.”
“Has that offered you any closure, ever?”
“An explanation is not closure.” I instantly replied back, slowly becoming more irritated that this is a conversation.
“Thats why you’re unlucky. You wake up every day with her suicide letters 5 feet away from you. I don’t know what's going on inside your head, but I think that's bad enough.”
“You don’t know anything.”
She didn’t know what she was talking about. Kaede didn’t want to hurt me. Yes, it's weird she kept them. And it's weird that she wrote that she’d tell me everything when I found her multiple suicide notes.
She never thought she’d do it.
She knew she’d say things she’d never do.
I know if Kaito knew I had those letters in my closet he’d yell at me.
If Kaede’s sister knew that was in the box, she would've never given it to me.
Kaede kept them to better explain herself but she’s not here to help me understand.
I’ve grieved already. I’ve accepted she’s dead. Quicker than I thought I would. I didn’t kill her. It was an accident.
So why can’t I get over her?
That doesn’t mean I have to forget her. I'll never forget her. But I want to be happy. I want to be glad I got to know her.
Instead, I wish I knew her longer. It wasn’t enough time. I want more time. I want to live my life with her.
I want to be annoyed by her nonstop talking.
I want her to tell me she’s struggling instead of having to piece things together by dozens of glitter pen filled letters.
I miss her.
I miss her so much and I don’t think I'll ever stop missing her.
I don’t think I’ll figure out how to live the way I want while missing her.
I wish I could say this ends with me finding peace and closure.
Intertwining myself with a girl who was meant to die just makes me equally as doomed as her. Her death was an accident, and I have to live the rest of my life missing her.
I am not going to go on some crazy adventure in pursuit of happiness. I’m not going to tell myself to find another girl to find some meaning in my life.
I’m going to sit in my living room alone with apple cider because I refuse to become an alcoholic like her dad.
I’ll sit here with my regrets and happiest memories of her.
I’ll imagine how our life together would be because I don’t care if that way of thinking keeps me from moving on.
Acceptance does not mean you’ve moved on; you can accept that it happened and keep living with it in the back of your mind.
Actually, what would moving on mean? I’m moving. I wake up every day and I do stuff. I go visit my friends. I walk around. I work. I laugh. I cry. I do it all.
Do you get it? Of course you do, you’re me. I’m writing to myself.
Theres so much I want to write but my hand is starting to cramp.
It doesn’t matter anyway; I wouldn’t know how to put it into words.
Wishing you the best,
Shuichi Saihara