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God, she felt pathetic.
Pencil slumped against the door to her hotel room, trying to keep herself as quiet as possible. She didn’t want anyone to know. She didn’t want him to know. She buried her head in her knees and felt her body quiver helplessly. She was a pathetic excuse of a leader, of a teammate, of a contestant.
She gripped her arms and made herself as small as possible, so tiny in fact she could be stepped on. Sometimes, she wished this would happen — sometimes she wished for the sweet release of death, but she would always come back. Someone would already force themselves to swallow their pride and recover her.
She was terrified. She couldn’t even get up, let alone leave her room. Quiet sobs came out as she covered her face with her hands. She gasped for air between each one, and felt her shoulders heave. Was she going to puke? Oh God.
She slowly but surely wrapped her arms around herself and looked up, met with the darkness of her room. Tears streamed down her face but she was shaking far too much to even care about them. The world mushed into bright colours, many of which she couldn’t even place a name too. Her surroundings melted into oblivion until it was just her, sitting alone in the darkness— just like— just like there—
The panic bubbling up in her stomach got worse. Her chest was tight, she couldn’t breathe, she could barely see or hear or feel or taste or— ah, just calm down. Pull yourself together, Pencil! But no matter how much she tried to put the ‘a-okay’ mask back on, it was still shattered, the fractures showing her real, vulnerable, pitiful self.
She shook with terror, with anxiety, with fright. She couldn’t go back— but what if they didn’t vote for her? What of the viewers decided to vote for one of the useless deadweights of the team instead of her? What if she was out?
It was too much. It was all too much to handle. She could see her vision going blurry, feel her body slowly going numb. She was dying? A permanent death? She was both grateful and terrified. She hit the floor sith a loud thud, but she couldn’t even feel any sort of pain as she lost consciousness.
The lights in the Clubhouse of Awesomeness shone brightly, flashing with bright crimsons, vibrant daffodils, glittering emeralds and shining aquas, illuminating the COA with every colour imaginable. Pencil rubbed her eyes. She hadn’t left the lights on, had she? It was only then she noticed that… well, Match was sitting beside her.
”OMG, Pence-Pence, you’re up!” Her co-leader looked slightly worried “You were asleep for, like, so long!” Her voice filled Pencil with nostalgia, like finding a beloved relic from childhood. She wasn’t dressed like she was when she’d last seen her, in her waitress’ uniform. Instead, she was wearing the clothes she’d worn when they had competed in BFDIA.
“What the— how am I back in…?” She was confused, but also, so, so grateful. Looking around, she saw Bubble and Ruby dancing together. This must have been in BFDIA 5, before the challenge. This was one of the moments that lead up to everything changing, right? So she just had to let Book and Ice Cube join the dance party.
Speaking of the devils, the bookworm opened the door to the Clubhouse of Awesomeness. Bubble turned and warmly smiled “Hey, munchkins! Did you come to party with us?”
Book smiled and looked over at Ice Cube “Yeah! Isn’t this exciting, Ice Cube?” Said alternate nodded happily. Pencil had a choice here. Uphold her honour and the structure of the soon to be formed FreeSmart, or end up all alone in the future? She had to swallow her pride, just this once. “I mean, the Clubhouse of Awesomeness IS only meant for members, but… you did get all the way here. We’ll make an exception, just this once.”
Both alternates looked happy, grateful. Perhaps obedient? The music started and everyone began to dance again, and for a moment, Pencil missed times like these, before the EXIT, before the disbanding of her precious alliance, before any sort of trouble. She wanted this to be real, to be how things turned out. But of course, it was too good to be true.