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“Are you alright?”
Was I?
No, no I wasn’t. But it would be a cold day in Hell before I unloaded that little tidbit on anyone, much less the specimen of a man who spent more time in my apartment than his own. It was a notion that defied all logic, especially considering the state I was in.
”Yeah, of course,” I answered, voice pitched higher than usual. A poor portrayal of my usual, sunshiny self. My gaze lifted for just a moment, catching on Xavier’s beautiful baby blues before looking just past his right ear, feigning eye contact. “I’m fine.”
Wincing inwardly at the bland platitude that had absolutely zero chance of convincing my boyfriend, I returned my attention to putting away the couple groceries I’d gotten after my shopping trip had gone sideways. More like straight south.
Xavier’s only reply was a hum, and I could feel his eyes on me like a brand. But then there was silence, only broken by the rustle of sacks and the thunk of the gallon of milk falling into one of the door compartments in the fridge. Maybe, just maybe, the handsome hunter would accept my explanations and make his way back into the living room.
But Xavier had always been far too perceptive. A blessing and a curse, really.
”Didn’t you say you were going shopping? For the convention you’re going to, not for groceries,” he self-corrected before I had the chance to gesture to the now-empty grocery bags on the counter. “But it seems you didn’t get much?” And damn him for being so good and remembering the plans I’d had. The excitement I’d expressed when I’d kissed him goodbye, which had morphed quickly into disappointment. The frustration bubbled to the surface, too quickly for me to stop it.
“Well, it’s hard to buy anything when the department store gets rid of the plus-size section,” I spat, embarrassment and shame and bitterness setting fire to my cheeks. The selection for women of my size had always been sparse, but at least it had existed. My eyes began to sting as I continued to ramble. “I know I don’t get to be cute or pretty, but now apparently I don’t even get to have clothes at all.”
My subconscious was screaming at me to shut up, that I was going to cross the line from vulnerable to way-too-much, but my mouth refused to listen.
”Guess I’ll just have to traipse around naked. Maybe they’ll change their tune when they’re forced to actually see the body that’s too disgusting to clothe.”
It was an ugly truth that I’d spent months burying deep, deep down—my opinions about my body that were never positive, even when Xavier and I shared a bed and each other. I had thought, stupidly, that maybe the insecurity could stay there, trapped by my determination to be the strong, confident woman I was supposed to be. The woman I needed to be to keep a grip on the life and the love that I so desperately needed.
And here I was, ruining everything. Xavier would see that I wasn’t the formidable, self-assured hunter, that the smiles weren’t always real.
Gods, the ensuing silence buried me, as if the entire building had collapsed down on me and the weight of crumbled concrete and mangled metal crushed my lungs. Xavier didn’t speak, and I couldn’t bring myself to lift my gaze to meet his. I was sure I wouldn’t survive what I would see in those eyes that I’d fallen so deeply in love with. Pity? Confusion? Disappointment? The possibilities were endless, each more devastating than the last.
My eyes stung, and I blinked quickly, desperate not to cry. What a cherry that would be on top of my humiliation sundae.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, I seethed at myself. I was so lost in the spiral of my self-loathing, staring intently at the nondescript gray countertop, that I didn’t even realize that Xavier had moved. I flinched when his arms wrapped around me, but when it seemed like he would pull away I clung to him, pulling his hands so I could be wrapped up in him at least one more time.
”Have you always felt this way?” His soft question tickled the shell of my ear with a gentleness that threatened to shatter me. Did I dare to hope that he would still accept me, even with this weakness?
I could only answer with the truth. He’d know if I was lying. Somehow, he always knew. “As long as I can remember,” I whispered. And wasn’t that just pitiful? Much to my delighted surprise, his embrace tightened.
”I… I never realized…” Xavier’s velvet soft voice wavered, and I was awash in shame. I never intended for him to feel guilty for not knowing the things I willfully kept from him. For not easing my suffering from an ailment I never allowed him to see.
“I didn’t want you to know,” I whispered around the knot of emotions that clogged my throat. He pulled me impossibly closer, like he couldn’t bear for any space to exist between us.
All of my feelings tangled and twisted in my gut as I felt his lips against my temple before he breathed, ”But why?”
Could it be that I’d been wrong to hide? I’d always thought I was doing the right thing—fake it ‘til you make it and all of that. I had a ridiculously attractive boyfriend who treated me like a damned queen. And yet all of the insecurities were still there. Buried just below the surface, waiting for a trigger to set them free.
I shrugged, feeling his chin rise and fall with my shoulder. “Men want confident women. I didn’t want to be…” I felt the stinging in my eyes as I tore open those old wounds. As I fell back into those nights where I’d curled up alone on my couch, wondering what it was about me that was so wrong that nobody would want to give me a chance. I took a breath, trying to recenter myself. Xavier was here, holding me, grounding me. “I didn’t want to be too much.”
”Too much how?” Xavier prodded, damn him. He wouldn’t push any more than that, but he knew the silence would compel me to answer. That, and my inability to deny him anything. He knew me so well—sometimes better than I thought I knew myself—and I realized then that… maybe he already knew everything. Maybe he just needed to hear it from me.
Maybe he needed me to trust him with that.
What would it be like? To share the weight of the hurt I’d carried since childhood?
My sigh trembled as it passed through my lips, my courage faltering on shaky legs. Could I really say the words out loud? Could I open myself up to the dreadful potential that lay before us?
And as the patient silence hung in the air, I realized that it wasn’t stifling. There was light and love in Xavier’s embrace, and it bolstered my confidence just enough.
”Too much… trouble. Too much work. More effort than I’m worth, in need of constant reassurance.” I felt Xavier breathe in, and I couldn’t help but echo. The deep inhale grounded me, gave me the strength to soldier on. “I overthink a lot. I worry about the things that I say and do and what people think of it. And I’d over analyze people’s reactions to me, sure that I’d done something wrong or been something they didn’t expect or want. And I’ve always struggled with my weight, which only fed into it.”
”Mmmhmm.” I could feel the comforting vibration against my back more than I could hear it.
”You can’t even imagine the number of times I’ve been absolutely sure that I’ve screwed things up with you.”
Xavier’s chuckle was gentle as he let me go. The loss of his warmth made me want to curl in on myself, try to conserve any sliver of comfort that remained. But he didn’t allow me to suffer long, using his strong and capable hands to turn me around to face him. My eyes found his almost immediately, the pull of that endlessly deep blue a force I could never deny. His battle-roughened fingertips traced up my jaw with the feather-light touch of an angel’s wing, even as I remained captivated by his beautiful face. Eyes smiling down at me, little wrinkles forming at the corners, Xavier leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. He continued to cradle my face as if it were infinitely precious, kissing me softly again. And again and again.
”Maybe you did screw up,” he whispered against my mouth, then claimed it again before I could even ponder a reply. My hunter took his time with this kiss, easing my worries with each brush of his lips and dip of his tongue. “Because you’ll never be rid of me, my little star. You may come to regret it.”
I couldn’t help the huff that escaped my throat. “Oh, please.” As if I could ever tire of Xavier’s presence in my life. Even if it all ended in a fiery apocalypse of heartbreak, I could never regret the time we’d spent together.
“Right? I feel the same way.”
Well, that caught my attention.
Xavier’s thumbs skimmed over my cheeks, and his gaze was so open and honest, it stole my breath. Being the sole focus of his intense attention should have been unnerving, but it wasn’t, surprisingly. I felt… precious.
Treasured.
”I want to be the one you run to with your feelings,” he murmured. “I want to be the one who gives you comfort. Who makes you feel safe and loved.”
My lungs… they’d stopped working. Xavier pushed back a few stray flyaway strands that had fallen across my face, clearly determined to remove even the smallest obstacle from his stare.
”Nothing about you will ever be more trouble than it’s worth, because you are worth… everything.” One sentence took me from breathless to blubbering, the tears blurring my vision and distorting Xavier’s exquisite face. It wasn’t even a sweet, quiet cry. I sniffled and hiccupped and wheezed, and I was sure my cheeks and nose were splotched with ugly red. “Oh, my sweet star.”
Xavier pulled me close, and I buried my nose in the soft fabric of his hoodie, shuddering against him as he cradled the back of my head and stroked a hand up and down my back in long, calming sweeps. I hadn’t even realized how badly I’d needed to hear those words until he spoke them, how much I needed to be tucked into his embrace and let myself fall apart, after all this time. Not just the months since we’d started our relationship, but my entire adult life. I’d never felt like I could allow the ugliness of my own self-loathing to be seen or heard, never wanted to burden friends and family with my unique brand of darkness.
And now… I was free.
Xavier hadn’t run. He hadn’t ghosted. He hadn’t politely told me that it was okay that I had these feelings, and then made a hasty exit.
He held me.
He kissed me.
He said I was worth everything.
I couldn’t tell if it had taken minutes or hours for my tears to dry up and my shoulders to stop shaking. And through it all, he kept me pressed against him, whispering words of support and encouragement. When his voice grew strong and sure, he nearly drove me back to tears once more.
”I’m your partner and your lover,” he said, “and it is my responsibility to support you and encourage you. It’s not something I take lightly, and it is the furthest thing from a burden. Nothing fills my heart with more satisfaction than reminding you how beautiful you are, inside and out. And on the days when you don’t feel that way, I need to know so that I can show you. So that I can hold you just like this and let you fall apart, so then I can help you rebuild. You are smart and strong and so devastatingly kind that it nearly ruins me every day.”
He pulled back, cupping my face in his hands and gazing down at me.
”You’ll never have to worry about screwing things up with me. Just be open and honest, so I can help you. Nobody is perfect or happy all the time, and I would never dream of letting you go just because you struggle with your confidence or body image or anything else.” He leaned in and pressed his soft, warm lips to my brow with devastating gentleness. “Until you can grow your confidence, I’ll have enough for the both of us. Until you can love your body, I’ll love it enough for the both of us.”
”Until you can love yourself, without question, I can love you more than enough to make up for it.” My breath hitched, eyes growing wide, as he nuzzled at my nose with the tip of his own. Was that something I could do? Was it a gift I could accept? It seemed so unfathomable, so overwhelming.
”Xavier, I—“ I croaked, but he wouldn’t let me finish.
”Shhh. I know, little star, but you don’t need to worry about anything. Just let me love you. Let me try to make you as happy as you make me, and everything will work out. Can you do that for me, star? Can you try?”
And I nodded, unable to speak, but needing him to know. I would try.
Because I loved him, too.