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Maomao La took her lunch out of her locker, lost in thought. She had taken a different route on her walk to school this morning and spotted an abandoned lot on one of the corners. It was a riot of rocks and weeds and, among the greenery, Maomao thought she had spotted a patch of wild parsnip. The root of the plant was edible, which was cool, but the real draw was the sap… Oh, the sap. On a sunny day, a mere dab of the stuff could give a person chemical burns so severe that they blistered, or worse. It could even take two years for their skin to fully recover.
An eager thrill fluttered through Maomao’s chest. After school, on her way home, she was going to smear some of the sap on her wrist and let it bake in the UV rays to see what happened.
With a giddy little giggle, she swung her locker door shut, then leaped back with a strangled gasp.
A terrifying visage gaped at her, eyes sparking and teeth bared.
Jinshi Ka—student council vice-president, president of the Christian club, and school heartthrob—was leaning against the locker next to hers, beaming at her with a smile like a spotlight. Maomao pulled up her sweatshirt hood and shrank down even smaller than she already was, hoping no one would notice them together. He had snuck up on her again. How did he do that? He towered over her and was almost always orbited by a retinue of fangirls—she should see him coming.
“Hello, buddy!” he sang out.
“What do you want?” she grunted, thinking, once again, that he was way too beautiful to be real, with his long, purple-black hair that he kept in a sloppy bun on top of his head, his perfectly symmetrical face, and his long-lashed eyes that were the exact color of the sky at dusk. He was as devastatingly lovely as Helen of Troy. He gave her the creeps.
Jinshi leaned over, shoving his face in front of hers and smiling even wider. His teeth shined even brighter than his purity ring, which he kept polished to an obnoxious sheen. “The student council needs your help with something,” he said.
Maomao sighed. “What is it this time?”
Jinshi grabbed her upper arm and tugged her after him. “Come with me.”
***
Maomao thought of the stuffed baby portabellas in her lunch box with great longing as Jinshi yanked her across the school and eventually shoved her into a classroom.
“What is going on?” she demanded, jerking her arm free and backing away from Jinshi before he could grab her again.
He spun on her. “Basen will be here soon and then I’ll explain it to you.”
Maomao managed to inhale an annoyed huff before it escaped. “May I eat in the meantime, then?”
Jinshi gave her a stately nod. She plopped down at a desk and unzipped her lunch box, mouth watering. Jinshi sat at the desk beside her and rested his cheek on his hand, watching her remove her container of mushrooms and peel off the lid.
“Can I have one?” he asked.
Maomao popped her first mushroom into her mouth, regarding him from the corner of her eye. “No,” she mumbled around her mouthful of cheese, herbs, and pine nuts.
Jinshi blithely took one anyway.
As Maomao stuffed her remaining two baby portabellas into her mouth to keep them out of Jinshi’s hands, Basen slipped through the door, clutching his backpack to his chest.
He shot Maomao a suspicious look. “She’s not a member of the student council. What is she doing here?”
“She’s going to help us figure out what happened,” said Jinshi.
But, all I want is to eat my lunch, Maomao thought, opening her lunch box again to remove her entrée. Jinshi watched with great interest as she took her first gua bao out of the container and took a bite. She let out a satisfied groan, relishing the textural contrast between the pillowy steamed bun and the tender braised pork inside.
“Can I have the other one?” Jinshi asked, reaching for it.
Maomao tried to slide the dish out of his grasp but he had already snagged the gua bao. Looking delighted with himself, he took a huge bite.
“Ugh, too spicy,” he said, handing it back.
“That’s the mustard greens,” said Maomao, accepting the half-eaten sandwich with distaste.
“Not a fan,” Jinshi said, helping himself to Maomao’s napkin as well. He wiped off his fingertips, then turned to Basen. “Did you bring…” He glanced around, then lowered his voice. “Did you bring the things?”
Basen nodded and began to unload his backpack onto a desk.
“Wait!” said Jinshi, holding up his hand and pulling a two-pack of rubber kitchen gloves out of his backpack. He handed a pair to Basen, then followed it up with a pair of tongs. “Just in case,” he cautioned.
“Thank you,” said Basen, slipping on the gloves and using the tongs to empty the contents of his own backpack.
“Are those brownies?” asked Maomao, half-rising in her seat to look at the tower of baked goods piling up on the desk.
“They are,” said Jinshi in a grave voice. “They’re from the cafeteria. Yesterday afternoon, we borrowed—”
Stole, Maomao mentally corrected.
“–a carton of them to serve at our Christian club meeting, but it seems…” Jinshi rubbed his chin, contemplating the best way to explain the dilemma to Maomao so that she would agree to help him. “Well, I don’t know of a milder way to put it. We think some of the brownies have been poisoned.”
Maomao’s eyes widened. Poison! Now that was interesting. It might even be more interesting than giving herself chemical burns with wild parsnip sap after school. And that was saying something considering how much she had been looking forward to the experience.
She got up and went to look at the brownies, shoving her hands into her hoodie pockets and crouching down to inspect the fudgy, individually packaged treats. They were the same brand the cafeteria always served in the a la carte section at lunchtime.
“What makes you think they were poisoned?” she asked, glancing from Jinshi to Basen.
They exchanged a look.
“Tell her what happened,” said Jinshi.
Basen sagged. “After I ate my brownie, I started feeling strange. I got dizzy. I was dying of thirst. It was hard to move. My whole body felt heavy. I thought I was dying, but everyone at the club prayed for me and I started feeling better. By the time I woke up the next morning, I was back to normal.”
Maomao raised her eyebrows. “Did anyone else experience these symptoms?”
Jinshi shook his head. “Just Basen.”
Basen glowered. “Someone has it in for me. My life is in danger.”
“Maybe,” Maomao mused, selecting two brownies from the pile. “Maybe not. No one knew the Christian club was going to steal–”
“Borrow,” interjected Jinshi.
“–the brownies,” Maomao concluded, looking closer at the baked goods she was holding. “Is that why this is a student council matter and not a Christian club one?”
Jinshi nodded. “If the cafeteria brownies are poisoned, it affects the entire student body.”
In more ways than one, Maomao thought, holding the two packaged brownies up to the light. A memory tickled her mind.
Her surrogate older sisters—Pairin, Meimei, and Joka—bunched together around the kitchen counter, pouring thick, luscious brownie batter into a pan while young Maomao sat in the corner and entertained herself. A distinctly pungent, herbal scent wafted from the crockpot where they had prepared their “medicinal butter” earlier in the day.
“Maomao! Do you want to lick the bowl?” Pairin called, then stopped. “Wait, are these the brownies for Maomao or the ones for us?”
Meimei pointed her rubber spatula at a different bowl and a smaller panful of brownie batter. “Those ones are for Maomao,” she said.
Joka swiped her finger through the batter in the big pan and stuck it in her mouth, then nodded her confirmation.
Pairin grabbed the kid-safe bowl and brought it over to Maomao along with a spoon. She squatted down in front of her and handed her the treat.
It would be several years before Maomao could get anyone to tell her the name of the strange, forbidden herb that Pairin, Meimei, and Joka loved so much, but by then she was well aware of its many different applications.
But what would brownies like that be doing in the school kitchen? Maomao thought as she tore open both packages and gave the contents a careful sniff. She set one of the brownies down and studied the other.
“What is it?” asked Jinshi. “Is that one poisoned like Basen’s?”
Maomao smiled and took a huge bite, then smiled even wider as the chocolatey flavor melted across her tongue. There was a faint, earthy, herbal note hiding beneath the cocoa.
“Oh, yeah. This is definitely the same kind of brownie as Basen ate,” she said, taking another bite.
“What? Stop eating that! You’ll get sick!” said Basen as Jinshi ran over to her and tried to force her to spit it out.
She swallowed her mouthful and let out a satisfied sigh.
“Why would you do that?” Jinshi wailed. “Now we have to go get your stomach pumped!”
Basen snatched the remaining portion of brownie out of her hand and threw it in the trash. “Are you insane?” he demanded.
“Why would you eat poison?” said Jinshi.
“I didn’t. It was just cannabis,” she said, pouting at the wasted edible. She would have liked to see how potent it was, to satisfy her intellectual curiosity.
“Cannabis?” Basen repeated, then gasped. “Wait! As in the drug? Does this mean I’m going to hell?” He grabbed his forehead and groaned. “If I didn’t do it on purpose, does it count as a sin? What is my dad going to say?”
“How did drugs get into the cafeteria brownies?” Jinshi asked. Maomao assumed he was able to stay focused on the issue at hand since his immortal soul was not on the line.
Maomao turned around and took off her thick-framed glasses so she could see better, then began to sort through the brownies.
Jinshi came to stand right at her shoulder, so close that the heat radiating from his body warmed her back. Grumbling under her breath, she tried to scoot away to get some distance, but he followed after her.
“How are you deciding how to split them up? They look the same to me,” he said, peering studiously between her two uneven piles as she worked. The normal brownies far outnumbered the weed-infused ones, of which she had only found three more.
“I’ll show you.” Maomao took a brownie from each pile and laid them out on the desk. Curious, both Jinshi and Basen crowded around, flanking her.
Maomao pointed at the first brownie. “This is one of the brownies the cafeteria usually orders. If you look at it next to the pot brownie, you’ll see that it’s a bit denser with a smaller crumb. The edges where they’ve been sliced are smooth and uniform. It’s also a bit taller and thinner.”
“Ohhhhh,” said Jinshi, nodding.
“This one,” said Maomao, pointing at the pot brownie, “is flatter and gooier. There’s crumbling along the edge where it was sliced, and…” She flicked the sealed end of the plastic wrapper, waiting to see if Jinshi or Basen could spot the issue. When neither volunteered an explanation, she continued. “The edge of the bag has been sealed back together with a flat iron. See? This should have a crimped edge, but it’s melted. And right here they didn’t line it up properly, so the two ends aren’t flush.”
Jinshi reached around her to pick up the two brownies and give them a closer look. “I see!” he said.
“Speaking of seeing…” said Basen, grabbing Maomao’s glasses. “How bad are your eyes?” He slipped them on and frowned. “Everything looks the same.” He lowered them, peered around, then slid them back up his nose to do another scan of the room. “Does this mean I need glasses?”
Maomao held out her hand for her spectacles. “They’re not prescription,” she said.
Laughing, Jinshi turned towards her. “Why would you wear glasses if you don’t need–” He broke off, staring at her.
“What?” said Maomao.
“You look really different without your glasses,” he choked out.
“I know,” she said, scowling at Basen, who, instead of giving them back, had wandered over to the windows to try to get a peek at his reflection with them on.
She had started wearing the glasses in middle school, once boys had started to notice her. She didn’t want attention from unruly, pre-teen suitors. She wanted to devote herself to pharmacognosy and not getting her training bra straps snapped. The thick, unflattering frames and a wardrobe full of baggy t-shirts had done the trick, along with a makeup routine designed to draw attention to her flaws instead of minimizing them. Alas, she hadn’t had time to do her makeup that morning and Basen was holding her glasses hostage. Her big, lagoon-colored eyes and delicate, elfin beauty were on full display.
If Basen and Jinshi weren’t proud Christian club virgins, she could be in serious trouble right now.
Jinshi swallowed. “Uh, Maomao?” he asked.
She raised her eyebrows at him. “Yes?”
Jinshi swallowed again, twisting his purity ring around his finger. “Will you pray with me to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”
“No, thank you,” said Maomao.
Jinshi faltered for a moment, then bustled away to snatch the glasses off of Basen’s face and shove them back into place on Maomao’s nose.
“Hey!” said Basen.
“Much better,” said Jinshi, brushing his hands off. His cheeks were pink from the exertion.
Maomao glanced at the clock. Lunch was almost over and she was supposed to meet her friend Xiaolan to eat together.
“Are we done here?” she said.
Jinshi and Basen exchanged a glance.
“I guess we’ve done everything we can for now,” said Jinshi. “But we need to figure out why someone would do this. I’ll come find you after school and we can brainstorm together.”
Maomao pursed her lips. She was supposed to rub phototoxic plant sap on her bare skin after school. “Why don’t you let me do some looking around and I’ll let you know what I find tomorrow?” Maomao suggested, eyeing the pot brownies. Maybe she could slip one of them into her backpack and smuggle it out.
As if he had read her mind, Jinshi pulled on the other pair of rubber gloves and grabbed Basen’s discarded tongs before he took a box of plastic freezer bags from his backpack. He began using the tongs to transfer the pot brownies into the freezer bag, his face as serious as if he were a crime scene investigator preserving evidence.
“The brownies may not be poisoned, but I still don’t want to get a contact high,” said Jinshi.
“Smart!” said Basen.
Maomao shook her head. That wasn’t how that worked.
Jinshi dropped the last brownie into the bag and sealed it shut, then held it out to Basen, who adjusted his own gloves, then placed the bag inside his backpack.
Maomao sagged. So much for getting a brownie.
The boys gave each other a serious look.
“We’ll get to the bottom of this,” said Jinshi. “No one else in Christian club or the rest of the school will have to go through what you did.”
Moved, Basen nodded, then hurried out of the classroom with the stash.
“I’d like to go through it,” Maomao sighed under her breath, but the opportunity was gone. She took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes.
“You should put those back on,” said Jinshi, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and heading for the classroom door. “See you at your locker.”
“Tomorrow,” Maomao reminded him because she didn’t want to see him any more today, but he was already gone.
***
“Lihaku!” Maomao said, relieved that she had gotten to him before he left for the day. Lihaku worked in the kitchen and she had noticed he was often the one who stayed late to clean up after the lunch service. She suspected it was because he rarely arrived in time to help set up breakfast.
Mop in hand, Lihaku turned around. “Oh, it’s you! Pairin’s little… niece… thing.”
“Hello,” said Maomao. “I want your help with something.”
Lihaku let out a booming, jolly laugh. “Sure! Do you and your little friends want a ride to the mall or something?”
“I want you to tell me about the brownies you serve here,” said Maomao. “Can I see them?”
Lihaku gave her a weird look. “Sure, I guess.”
He led her to a cupboard and pulled out one of several identical, sealed cardboard cartons. He dropped it on the counter. “I thought we had an open one, but I guess not,” he said, grabbing a box cutter from a drawer and slicing apart the tape. He unfolded the box’s flaps and presented the contents: more boxes. These were made of flimsier stuff, like what snack cakes were packaged in at the store. He lifted the lid on one of them, revealing the neat rows of individually wrapped brownies inside.
“Hmmm,” said Maomao. They all looked normal.
Lihaku began opening more cupboards. “I was sure we had a partial case,” he muttered. “I opened one right before the lunch service today and restocked the dessert display, but I only used one of the little boxes.”
Maomao looked up. A case of brownies was missing?
“Do students have access to the kitchen?” she asked.
“Uh… Student council,” said Lihaku. “They store chips and candy and drinks for the snack shack in here during football and baseball season.”
“Hmmmm!” said Maomao. Jinshi was on the student council, which explained how he’d been able to appropriate the brownies for the Christian club meeting. “Do any other students have access?”
Lihaku shrugged and shut all the cupboards he had opened. He put his hands on his hips and looked around. “Uh, the seniors are allowed in to use the microwaves during lunch,” he said, gesturing vaguely towards an alcove just inside the door where four microwaves sat on a multi-tiered kitchen rack. “But we’re busy at lunch so we don’t really check their student IDs. Underclassmen probably sneak in to use them, too.”
“I see,” said Maomao, rubbing her chin.
Lihaku looked inside the fridge, then let out an exasperated shout. “There they are! I knew there was an open case,” he said, taking out the missing carton of brownies. ‘Why would someone put them in the refrigerator?”
Maomao zeroed in on the box. “Can I look inside?” she asked.
“Sure, go nuts,” said Lihaku. He left the brownies on the counter and went back to his mopping.
Maomao looked inside the case. There was space for four smaller boxes inside, with two on top and two underneath. Just like Lihaku said, one of the boxes was gone—depleted when he had restocked the a la carte dessert rack earlier. Maomao took out its fellow top box and opened the lid. It was full, but the brownies were packed haphazardly compared to the other box Lihaku had shown her.
Maomao took out a brownie at random and examined it. It had crumbling edges, a gooey center, and sure signs of tampering at the edge of the wrapper. Her heart began to race. This was an edible. She crammed it in her sweatshirt pocket and took out another brownie. Another edible! She kept that one, too. She unpacked the rest of the box, checking each brownie. Once again, most of them were normal, but a handful of pot brownies had been added in.
Maomao shook her head. What was the purpose? Why didn’t the culprit sell them or retain them for their own enjoyment? What benefit could there be to drugging other students for free?
Maomao double-checked the labels to see if there were any markings that might differentiate the pot brownies from the normal ones, but they were all identical. The only difference between the packages were the contents.
Maomao took one more pot brownie and repacked the box. Then she went to the dessert rack.
“Hey!” said Lihaku. “I just mopped there!”
Maomao ignored him and checked the few remaining brownies. They were all normal.
“What are you doing?” Lihaku said.
Maomao furrowed her brow. “Did anyone who purchased a brownie at lunchtime complain to you of food poisoning after?” she asked.
Lihaku shook his head.
“Did you see anyone who ordered a brownie acting weird?” Maomao persisted.
Lihaku frowned. “The head cheerleader, Gyokuyou, bought one, then came back for seconds of the mashed potatoes and cornbread and kept winking at everyone.”
“Hmmm,” said Maomao.
“Why do you ask?” said Lihaku.
“Well,” said Maomao, debating for a moment whether to tell him what was going on. She preferred to leave it as Jinshi’s problem, but it wouldn’t do for kids to eat edibles by accident. Not everyone could handle the high. Look at Basen, after all.
She beckoned Lihaku closer and gave him an abridged, whispered account of what she had discovered.
“What the fuck?” Lihaku bellowed. “If this gets out we could all lose our jobs! And I need the money!”
“The student council vice president is taking care of it,” said Maomao.
Lihaku groaned and muttered something under his breath about fucking kids and what did they think student council could actually do about anything; they didn’t have any real authority. Maomao chose to pretend she hadn’t heard him.
“I found more of them in the case from the fridge,” she offered.
“What did you do with them?”
Maomao stuffed her hands in her sweatshirt pocket to better conceal her small collection of pilfered confections. “I put them back how I found them," she said.
Lihaku groaned again. “Maomao, I swear to god!” He grabbed her arm and steered her back to the counter where the case of brownies lay. “Don't leave them there. Take them out and throw them away.” He paused. “On second thought, give them to me. I’ll dispose of them.”
***
“Who was that old guy?” Jinshi asked, glaring at Lihaku’s retreating back while Maomao blinked at him in confusion.
Lihaku and Maomao had finished up their different tasks at the same time, so they had walked through the school together until it was time to split off in their own separate directions: Lihaku to the staff parking area and Maomao to her locker and then the wild parsnip patch.
She had been so lost in thought about her upcoming experiment that she hadn't noticed Jinshi waiting for her—sans groupies once again—until he stepped between her and her locker right when she was reaching for her combination lock. Her hand smacked against his abs, which were surprisingly firm and well-shaped. But that was no surprise. Jinshi had a fan club for a reason. He was as beautiful as the Virgin Mary, though Maomao also believed he was far more annoying than the mother of God could ever be.
“How did you get there?” she asked, looking up at him. “Why are you there? I said to meet tomorrow.”
“And I said, ‘Who was that old guy?’” Jinshi repeated, scowling down at her.
“Friend of a friend,” Maomao said, fiddling with the brownies inside her sweatshirt pocket and trying not to look shifty. If Jinshi knew she had them, there was no way he would let her keep them.
Jinshi inhaled through his nose. “I see,” he said.
“Yup,” said Maomao, nudging him out of the way and opening her locker to deposit the books she wouldn’t need that night, which was all of them. She rarely studied because what was the point? She didn’t care about any of this stuff.
Jinshi fidgeted beside her, then blurted out, “So, is he your boyfriend, or…?”
“I said he was a friend of a friend,” said Maomao, shutting her locker and turning to squint at him. Was this some kind of purity pact thing? The prelude to an entreaty to take a vow of premarital chastity? It was kind of funny how gung ho Jinshi was about virginity considering that most of the girls and some of the guys at school would jump at the chance for a steamy night with him.
Jinshi looked over Maomao's head to the distant corner Lihaku had disappeared around and hummed with displeasure.
“I was waiting for you for a long time,” he pouted.
“I didn’t ask you to,” said Maomao, heading towards the closest exit.
Jinshi hurried after her. “Anyway, now that you’re here, let’s go to my house and make an action plan.”
Maomao paused. She supposed that wasn’t a bad idea. Still… “I have to stop somewhere first,” she said.
“Just tell my driver where we’re going,” said Jinshi, ushering her down the hallway, beaming like an LED lamp.
“You have a driver?” said Maomao.
“Yup,” said Jinshi.
***
“Hmmm. This is not what I was expecting,” said Jinshi, surveying the abandoned lot while Maomao squatted in front of the wild parsnip patch. Jinshi’s chauffeur waited in the car, reading a magazine. “I thought maybe you needed to run an errand or two. Maybe pick up a prescription.”
Maomao didn’t reply. She was busy pulling off the extra-wide sweatband she wore on her wrist. The skin underneath was shiny with assorted pink and white scars. If all went according to plan, she’d soon be sporting some pretty nasty blisters as well.
With the test site exposed, she turned her attention to the wild parsnip’s scalloped leaves and considered what the best method would be to get the sap onto her wrist without getting it onto her opposite hand.
Maomao pulled her sweatshirt sleeve over her fingertips, then plucked one of the wild parsnip leaves and rubbed it on her bare skin, figuring the friction should be enough to release the sap.
“What are you doing?” Jinshi asked, squatting down next to her.
Maomao rubbed harder. “Gonna see if I can give myself a second degree burn with wild parsnip.”
“What?!” Jinshi screeched, smacking the leaf out of her hand. “Are you out of your mind?”
Maomao grabbed a new leaf and resumed her task. “Of course not.”
Jinshi snatched that one away, too, then jumped to his feet and hooked Maomao under her arms as she tried to reach for a third leaf. He lifted her up in the air, swiveling away from the wild parsnips.
“Hey!” she protested, trying to squirm free.
Jinshi marched her towards the car, dangling her in front of him while she yowled like a cat.
“Sir?” said his driver as Jinshi yanked open the rear door and practically threw Maomao inside. He hopped in after her and slammed the door shut.
“Drive!” he commanded.
“Yes, sir.” The driver tossed his magazine aside and started up the car.
“Noooooo!” Maomao whined, watching the overgrown patch of weeds shrink away behind her.
“It’s for your own good,” barked Jinshi. “What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking I would give myself a mild chemical burn.” Maomao pushed her sweatshirt sleeve up to her forearm and held her wrist up next to the tinted window. She'd read that walking through a patch of wild parsnip on a bright day was enough to cause a terrible, blistering rash, so hopefully the leaf residue and a tidbit of direct sunlight would at least give her a red, scaly patch.
She expected Jinshi to argue with her, but he didn’t. Instead, he was quiet for so long that she chanced a glance over her shoulder to see if something had happened to him. He was staring at her with a frown so deep that it made divots in his chin. He looked like he might cry.
“What?” said Maomao.
“Is that why you always wear that wristband? To hide your- your self harm scars?” he asked. His voice quivered.
Maomao’s eyes widened. Was he really that worried about her? He didn’t have to be. She lowered her arm and turned to him. “It’s really okay,” she said, keeping her voice gentle. “It’s not anything serious. I just do it for fun. Like a hobby.”
Jinshi began to sputter. “You hurt yourself for fun?”
“I don’t really have any other choice,” said Maomao. “It wouldn’t be right to perform my experiments on other people.” She lifted her wrist and resumed bathing it in the diluted sun.
“Wait. Why are you doing that with your arm?” Jinshi asked, suspicion tightening his voice.
Maomao looked away. “No reason.”
“You're doing one of your experiments right now!”
Maomao replied to the accusation with a noncommittal hum.
“Ooh! You are! Stop it!” said Jinshi, grabbing her arm and yanking her sleeve down.
“Hey!” she protested, trying to get away but impeded by the fact that she was in the backseat of a car with him.
A small, subdued scuffle ensued. Jinshi wrestled his arms around her, locking them across her body like a crossed harness while Maomao tried to wiggle free. Then he clamped his hands around both her wrists and held her there.
“That’s the end of that,” he said.
“You interrupted me while I was in the middle of something!” Maomao accused, but stopped resisting. She had just remembered she had pot brownies in her hoodie pocket and, with the way Jinshi was squeezing her, she was worried he would squish them.
“You said you were trying to give yourself a chemical burn. What else was I supposed to do?” he asked through gritted teeth.
Maomao groaned “You’re turning this into a big deal when it’s not. It’s not like a little burn is going to kill me. I’ll be–”
Jinshi tutted, cutting her off. “I don't want to hear it.”
“Fine,” said Maomao.
They spent the rest of the ride in silence, tangled up in a knot and sulking about the same thing for different reasons.
“Here we are!” the driver announced in a cheerful lilt as he pulled up to a kiosk stationed between two wrought iron gates. He waved at the guard, who let them through.
What the hell? Maomao thought as the car rolled up a long drive towards an honest-to-god mansion. She turned to face the window as much as she was able, staring out at the opulent landscaping and the mansion’s ornate architecture. It was just as giant and preposterous as Jinshi. She wondered if any of the decorative flora was poisonous. It was hard to identify the plants from this distance. Maybe she could convince Jinshi to take her out for a little foraging after whatever it was he had dragged her here for.
The car coasted to a stop at the top of a circular driveway, right in front of the mansion’s portico.
Maomao and Jinshi got out and headed to the door while the driver departed for the detached, multi-car garage.
There was so much about Jinshi that made sense now.
“Come on,” he said hurrying her inside. “Let’s get down to business.”
He ushered her into a dining room the size of a small apartment and sat her down at the table across from him. A minute later, a silver-haired older woman bustled in carrying a heaping tray of snacks that she set down in front of them, eyeing Maomao the whole time.
“Help yourself,” said Jinshi, absentmindedly plucking a pretzel from one of the overflowing crystal bowls and popping it into his mouth as he read something on his phone. “If you want something different, just ask. Suiren will make it for you.”
The older woman turned to Maomao with an expectant look.
“Oh, no, this is fine,” said Maomao, trying to take in the spread. There was so much food. Pretzels, popcorn, a variety of crackers, a platter of cut fruit, a small charcuterie board, a bowl of chocolate truffles, a bowl of gummy bears, a veggie tray with dip, and a pitcher of juice with two cups. Was this an every day thing for Jinshi?
“Dig in,” said Suiren.
Maomao selected a cucumber spear and nibbled on it.
Suiren nodded her approval. “Veggies are a healthy choice,” she said, shooting a pointed glance at Jinshi.
“Ah! So that’s how to take care of it!” said Jinshi, still staring at his phone. He glanced up. “Suiren, my guest has rubbed a caustic substance on her wrists. Can you please wash her arms with soap and water? She may try to fight you.”
“I can take her,” said Suiren, pushing up her sleeves and advancing on Maomao.
“I can wash myself!” Maomao protested.
“No need! Suiren’s got it,” said Jinshi, helping himself to a grape as the old woman grabbed Maomao and dragged her towards the door. “I’ll be waiting for you right here.”
***
“Okay, what about any of them?” Jinshi asked, flipping to the next page in the previous year’s yearbook and showing Maomao the grid of smiling teenagers. “Would any of them have a motive?”
“I don’t know,” said Maomao, shrugging. “I don’t know most of the kids at school.”
Jinshi dropped the yearbook down onto the tabletop, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I just don’t understand the purpose of sneaking drugs into the school’s brownie supply.”
Maomao shrugged.
The only reason she could think of for why she was still here helping Jinshi after he had subjected her to a partial sponge bath was that he was the student council vice-president and she harbored an inexplicable and unshakable respect for authority. If he wanted her to help him solve the mystery of the pot brownies, then she had no other choice.
He frowned at the page in front of him.
“Which one of you did this?” he growled at the pictured students.
Maomao craned her head to look at the page, trying to see if she recognized anyone.
“Oh!” she said when her eyes landed on an unexpectedly familiar face. She tapped on the tiny, grayscale portrait. “I know her!”
While she had been wandering around the neighborhood last weekend, foraging for interesting or deadly plants, she had spotted this girl standing next to a car that was idling at the curb, talking to the driver. While Maomao watched, the girl had reached through the open passenger window, then withdrew her hand and slipped something inside her handbag. Maomao preferred to mind her own business, so she went back to examining a patch of small, white-petaled flowers to determine if they were oxeye daisies or feverfew. She was careful not to look directly at the older girl, but she could feel her eyes boring into her as the car puttered away. Maomao hunched lower over the flowers, pretending not to notice the pungent, herbal scent that accompanied the girl as she strode by.
Of course, that didn’t mean anything. Buying weed wasn’t a guarantee of guilt. Wasn’t Maomao herself harboring a pocketful of edibles?
Jinshi leaned over to look at the yearbook. “Suirei,” he murmured, reading the girl’s name from beneath her photo. “She’s a transfer student, I think. How do you know her?”
“Just in passing,” said Maomao. “I don’t think we’ve ever spoken.”
“Hmm,” said Jinshi, turning to the next page. “I don’t think I’ve ever talked to her, either.”
***
“You’re sure they’re all okay?” Lihaku whispered.
Maomao placed the final brownie on the dessert cart display and nodded.
“Whew,” said Lihaku, wiping imaginary sweat off of his forehead.
It was right before lunch service the next day and Maomao was stationed in the cafeteria kitchen to keep an eye out for anyone tampering with the baked goods, although the official reason she was there was to make sure underclassmen didn’t use the microwaves.
The bell rang and Maomao hurried to perch on the stool Lihaku had set out for her.
The first fifteen or so minutes of the lunch hour were uneventful. Maomao checked student ID cards and sent away any freshmen, sophomores, or juniors that tried to use the amenities. A handful of seniors came in to heat up last night’s leftovers, frozen meals from the convenience store across the street, or cups of instant noodles. Suirei made an appearance, but all she did was microwave some dumplings, keeping her head down the whole time.
Trouble came when one of the kitchen workers tripped while replacing an empty vat, spilling fresh, piping hot tomato soup all over herself.
“Maomao! Take over for me!” Lihaku shouted, abandoning his station and dashing to his whimpering colleague’s aid.
Maomao scurried over to the lunch counter and started distributing grilled cheese sandwiches to the soupless students while the kitchen manager and Lihaku took care of their injured comrade and someone else mopped up the spill.
Trailed by a flock of giggling young women, Jinshi slid his tray along the track, trying to see what was happening behind the counter.
He arrived at Maomao’s station right as Lihaku returned. The kitchen manager was taking the burn victim to urgent care and everyone else had been sent back to work.
“Thanks, kiddo,” Lihaku said, laying a heavy hand on Maomao’s shoulder.
Jinshi zeroed in on the casual touch and narrowed his eyes.
“Is everything okay, man?” he asked Lihaku. “Why do you have a student doing your job for you?”
Maomao held out her palms in a placating gesture. “I volunteered.” She lowered her voice. “I’m investigating.”
Jinshi shot Lihaku a dirty look, then turned back to Maomao. “I’ll meet you at your locker after school so you can tell me what you found,” he said.
Maomao sighed under her breath. She had wanted to go back to the abandoned lot after school. “Yeah, okay. Fine.”
Jinshi shot Lihaku another dirty look, then turned back to Maomao. “Seriously, how do you know that guy?”
“Jinshi!” Gyokuyou sing-songed from further down the lunch queue. “Stop flirting with Maomao. You’re holding up the line!”
Jinshi turned bright red and whisked away with his fan club traipsing along behind him.
Maomao watched him go. He really was incredibly good looking. It was a shame for everyone in the world except for her that he was a devoted Christian club member who was waiting for marriage.
“May I go back to my stool?” Maomao asked Lihaku. She was sick of dishing up grilled cheeses. Food service, it turned out, was not her jam.
“Wait! Don’t go yet!” said Gyokuyou, sliding to a stop in front of them. Lihaku took Maomao’s tongs and put a sandwich on the head cheerleader’s tray. “I need to talk to you!”
“Okay, sure,” said Maomao. “What’s up?”
“In private,” Gyokuyou mouthed.
“Oh, okay,” said Maomao.
“Meet me in the girl’s bathroom in fifteen minutes,” said Gyokuyou.
***
Gyokuyou checked inside each of the stalls to make sure she and Maomao were alone before she went to the sink and began to freshen her lip gloss.
“You needed something from me?” Maomao prompted.
“Yes,” said Gyokuyou, keeping her eye on the restroom door in the mirror’s reflection. “Do you know any surefire, natural methods to get weed out of my system? They have those detox kits at the drug store but I cannot explain that away if I bring one home and my mom finds it.”
“I could whip together an herbal tea,” Maomao mused. “But, I’ll need burdock root, which means I’ll have to go to the store…” She looked up at Gyokuyou. “Is this urgent?”
Gyokuyou nodded. “They just told us this morning—all the jocks and the cheerleaders, I mean—that we all have to get drug tested and pass or we’ll be disqualified from sports for the rest of the year!”
“Really?” said Maomao, rubbing her chin. “That seems… strict.”
“Yeah!” said Gyokuyou. “They never did this before. And…” She looked around. “I think there's something weird about the cafeteria brownies. I split one with Guiyuan yesterday and I got so freaking high! I don't usually… partake… during cheer season because I want to be at the top of my game for our competitions and stuff, but then I had that brownie… And then we got that drug test notice right after… The timing couldn't be worse.”
It was a little too convenient, Maomao had to agree. She thought back to her short time as a kitchen worker. She hadn't been stationed at a la carte but she'd been keeping an eye out for suspicious behavior near the desserts and she had noticed quite a few guys in letterman jackets buying brownies specifically.
“Do a lot of the jocks tend to order brownies?” she asked.
“The football players do. It's a team superstition to eat the school brownies during the week before an away game. Everyone has to have at least one. Unless they have allergies. Then someone else eats it for them.”
“I see…” said Maomao. “Is there an away game coming up?”
“Yeah!” said Gyokuyou. “And it’s a big one! If we win, our school is going to the playoffs.”
Maomao nodded to herself. “I'll make you a cleansing tea, but the important thing is to drink a lot of clear fluids to flush out your system.”
Gyokuyou saluted. “Yes, ma'am! Thank you, Maomao!”
She squeezed her in a hug, then scampered off to rejoin her friends.
Maomao scuttled back to the kitchen.
“Lihaku, do you know why the football team is getting drug tested?” she asked as soon as she found him.
He scratched his head. “If it’s anything like my high school sports days, there's a code of conduct they're supposed to follow to stay on the team, so I'd guess the administration probably heard they were partying?”
“Hmmm,” said Maomao. “May I check the brownies again?”
“Sure,” said Lihaku as the warning bell rang. “Ope, you'd better get to class. Meet me here after school. I'll wait for you.”
***
“I found another one,” said Maomao, handing a pot brownie to Lihaku, who held it up to the overhead light to examine it closer.
“They must have snuck in and did it during that whole soup spill kerfuffle,” he said. “I still don’t understand why, though. What do they get out of this?”
After spending the last two class periods pondering this very question, Maomao had a theory. She didn’t follow sports, professional or otherwise, but even she knew that playoffs were a big deal. If the upcoming football game would determine which of the two competing schools moved on, then it stood to reason that one of the schools might be willing to go to extreme lengths to ensure they had the upper hand—even going so far as drugging their rivals to get them expelled from playing. If they had someone on the inside to help them… Someone like a certain transfer student…
Maomao shook her head. No, no. She couldn’t say for certain that Suirei had anything to do with this caper because she didn't know enough about her. Maomao refused to accuse people of wrongdoing based solely on conjecture. But still, someone similar to Suirei—with ties to a different high school and a reason to care about who went to the playoffs—could be the perfect accomplice.
She checked the next brownie and tossed it to Lihaku. “This one’s safe.”
He packed it back into the box.
Without warning, a loud, obnoxious voice boomed from the doorway. Maomao almost jumped out of her skin.
“I thought I would find you here, missy!” said Jinshi, sweeping into the kitchen with Basen close on his heels. He gave Lihaku a scathing frown.
Lihaku, who had been sitting up on the counter top, slid to the floor with a sheepish look on his face.
“Oh, hello, vice-president,” said Maomao, handing Lihaku another brownie. “This one’s safe.”
Lihaku tucked it in with its brethren.
“I couldn’t find you at your locker after school,” Jinshi sulked.
Maomao looked up at him. “Oh. I haven’t been to my locker yet. I’m doing something here.” She selected another brownie and inspected it. “This one is tampered with,” she said.
Lihaku added it to the growing pile.
“We got rid of all the weed brownies yesterday but now there’s more,” said Maomao.
Jinshi’s eyes widened.
“I just don’t understand why they’d give them away,” said Lihaku. “I mean, they must have spent a pretty penny getting enough weed to make this amount of cannabutter.”
Maomao nodded. “The brownies are strong, too.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Lihaku. “A whole one will get you messed up.”
A sharp, horrified intake of breath made Maomao glance over at Jinshi and Basen, both of whom looked utterly scandalized.
“That is literally a sin,” said Basen.
“Did you eat one?” Jinshi demanded. “We are minors, young lady!”
Maomao averted her eyes. “No, no. I didn’t eat one. I’m just guessing based on first hand accounts.”
“Right,” said Lihaku. “Same. Don’t do drugs, kids.”
They nodded at each other.
Jinshi didn’t look convinced, but he came to stand at Maomao’s shoulder and watch her resume sorting. There were a lot more pot brownies than last time. Maomao suspected the culprit had snuck a couple of the smaller boxes home to refill at their leisure and then simply switched them out at their earliest opportunity. Quick and effective.
“Did you find anything out while you were poking around today?” Jinshi asked.
Maomao reported everything she had heard and what she had concluded while she worked, although she left Suirei out of her explanation. She didn’t want to make potentially false accusations.
“Okay, so… Saying you’re right. What I don’t get is, why not replace all the brownies with special ones?” Basen asked. “Why take the chance that no one on the football team would get one?”
“Those are pretty slim chances the week before an away game. Besides, it would be too obvious if every kid who got a brownie at lunch turned up for class high off their asses,” Maomao said. “But this way…”
“Harder to trace,” Jinshi said, nodding. “And, really, they wouldn’t need to get the entire football team high. Just losing a few of their starting players would have a huge impact.”
He caught Basen’s eye and they exchanged a significant look.
Basen nodded. “I’ll go get the principal.”
***
“You knew about this for how long?” the principal asked, glaring at Jinshi.
He was a good looking guy in his thirties. It was rumored around the school that he had multiple baby mamas, but Maomao didn’t know if it was true or not. She did know that he didn’t wear a wedding ring.
“Only a few days,” said Jinshi. “The student council wanted to look into before we brought it to you.”
“A few days is still far too long,” said the principal, shaking his head.
“I’ll just be going…” said Maomao.
The principal held up his finger, halting her. Maomao stopped and stood at attention. Curse her inexplicable respect for authority!
“Do you have any idea who is behind all this?” he asked.
“I don’t want to name anyone without evidence,” said Maomao.
“Don’t worry, sir!” said Jinshi. “The student council is on the case!”
“That is not necessary,” said the principal. “The student council doesn’t have nearly as much authority as you seem to think it does.”
“That’s what my dad says, too,” Basen piped up.
“We will just check the security cameras,” the principal continued as if Basen hadn’t spoken.
“There are cameras?” said Jinshi.
“Yes,” said the principal. “We have cameras in all the areas where students are permitted.”
Basen opened his mouth.
“Except the bathrooms,” said the principal.
Basen shut his mouth again.
“I had no idea there were cameras,” said Jinshi.
“That is why you need to come to the adults right away when you discover something like this,” said the principal. He turned to Lihaku. “I don’t know what your excuse is for not reporting it right away.”
Lihaku turned pink and waved his hands at the principal. “Hey, don’t look at me. I told the kitchen manager everything this morning. She was going to report it after lunch but then we had that accident.”
“Hmmm,” said the principal. “Very well. I guess you’re fine, then.”
Having got himself off the hook, Lihaku went to busy himself with business in other parts of the kitchen.
“So…” said Maomao, grimacing and pointing to herself and then the exit.
“You may go,” said the principal.
Maomao made her escape, leaving Jinshi and Basen behind to deal with the boring stuff..
***
It was business as usual the next day. Maomao went to class, ate her lunch with Xiaolan, and thought about the patch of wild parsnip she was going to revisit after school now that there was no one to stop her.
She opened her locker to drop off her books, humming to herself as she imagined the painful burns she was going to give herself.
A soft puff of breath misted against her ear and warm hands closed on her shoulders right before a soft voice murmured, “We caught her.”
Maomao almost jumped out of her skin.
“Vice-president Jinshi!” she screeched, squirming out of his grip. “Ugh!”
He stepped back, looking crestfallen. “People usually like it when I do that.”
Maomao shuddered. “Yuck!”
“Anyway,” said Jinshi, hurrying to regroup, “we watched the camera footage and we caught Suirei switching out the brownies! She confessed to everything! We did it!”
He looked like he was going to try to hug Maomao, but, to her relief, he thought better of it and held out his hand for a high five.
His hands were actually really big, and way more manly than Maomao would expect just from looking at his ethereal, beautiful face. His purity ring glinted on his finger.
Maomao slapped his palm.
It really was too bad—for everybody except for her—that he was a sworn Christian club virgin.