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It hits hard.
She had known.
She hadn't been sure, she had hoped she was wrong, but somewhere deep down, she had known.
Still, it hits her.
She's felt it right away, when Joel first told her. She had wanted to believe him. She had felt that he was lying. She's asked him once, asked him outright, and Joel swore.
He swore.
She hadn't asked again. Maybe she should have. She probably should have. She hadn't. She had done her best to believe him. She had wanted it to be true. She had wanted it all to be over.
No cure. Others like her. Raiders at the hospital.
Ellie had spent all this time fighting not just for herself, but for something she thought to be bigger, believing that at fourteen, she'd be the only hope for the world. She'd had a goal to chase, a destination to reach that had her fighting for something beyond mere survival.
Having that taken away by Joel's words left her with a strange sense of loss, but it was also surprisingly freeing - the idea of a cure had been hope, yes, but it had been responsibility, too.
It had been a burden.
To have it gone was like a hole in her chest, it was like a weight off her back.
But it's a lie.
It's all a lie.
She knows now. She'd been too scared to ask again, too scared to confront him, too scared to have it confirmed. But it's all out now.
And it hits her hard.
Too hard.
~oOo~
"Ellie!"
Joel yells after her, hurrying to follow as she rushes through the camp they set up.
"Ellie-"
"Leave me alone, Joel!"
He can't. He won't.
"Ellie, please, come on-"
She whirls around, angry tears in her eyes.
"You fucking lied to me!", she screams. "About everything! About Marlene, about the cure, about there being others like me, you fucking asshole, you swore!"
"I did." Joel takes a step towards her, lifting his hands, appeasing. "I did, I know, I'm sorry-"
"You swore!", Ellie cries, and the pain in her eyes cuts him deeper than any knife wound ever had.
"I-"
"You promised me", Ellie says. "You said-" He watches helplessly as she backs away from him, some of the fight leaving her as she searches his face. "Did you kill them?", she says then, quiet, small, and he can tell she already knows. "You did, didn't you? You killed them all, because of me."
"Ellie-"
"There were no raiders", Ellie says. "The Fireflies- They're all dead because of me."
"No!" Joel shakes his head, cannot stand the look on her face. "No, that's not what it's like."
"Yeah, I think that's exactly what it's like."
"They would have killed you, Ellie!"
He hadn't meant to say it, but what else is there to say. It's all over now, anyway, it's all out, and she deserves the truth, the whole painful truth he can't protect her from, not anymore.
"You wouldn't have made it through that surgery", he says. "Marlene told me herself. I didn't have a choice."
"You're lying."
Of course she'd want to think that, of course that's what she thinks of him now.
"I'm not." He can tell she believes him, even though she clearly doesn't want to. "She said it was the only way to try and make the cure work. She knew you wouldn't've made it, said she didn't tell you-"
"If that's true-" Ellie wraps her arms around herself, taking a breath. "Why didn't you let them?", she says then, quiet, fragile. "If there is a cure, then-"
"No." Joel feels cold rage rising inside him again at the thought. "Are you serious?"
"Dead serious."
Her hands cling tightly, her small body trembling, but she stands her ground. Joel feels sick.
"Yeah, fuck that."
"I'm only one person, Joel." Ellie swallows hard, voice calm, and he hates it, he hates that she's like this, he hates that she's right, he hates it all. "If that's all it takes to save millions-"
"Fuck that!"
It's not fair. None of it. This burden on her, her of all people, and he's weak, he knows that, it's why he lied to her, because he knew this would come, he knew Marlene was right about what she'd choose, and it's why he hadn't given her a choice, because she's so much stronger than he is, and it's not fair, it's not fair-
"I wasn't gonna let them do that to you", he bites out. I won't let you do that to yourself. Cause how does she not know that, how can she expect him to just stand by and- "Not after everything-"
"That wasn't your choice to make!", Ellie yells. "And then you lied to me about it! About all of it! Why? You thought I couldn't handle it? You can't fucking protect me from this, Joel! You can't, it's just making it all worse!"
She's right. He can't. He can't protect her. Not from this. Not from anything. He could never protect anyone. But he'd had to try, he- He'd had to-
"All those people are dead now", Ellie cries. "Everywhere we go, people end up dead. It could've all ended there. Why didn't you just tell me? Why?"
"Because I couldn't do it again!"
Stunned silence settles around them. Joel breathes hard, watches as Ellie wipes her eyes with her sleeve, staring. And he's so tired. He's so damn tired.
"I couldn't-", he hears himself say, "I couldn't do it again, I-" His voice breaks, all fight leaving him as he's crushed beneath the weight of those words, that ugly truth he's carried around and hidden so forcefully for so long.
Just another one of those truths he can't protect her from.
"Fuck." Joel sinks down, his knees aching. He drives a hand through his hair, closing his eyes for a moment. He feels as Ellie slowly moves to sit down beside him, and maybe that's what opens something in him, that she doesn't run, doesn't take the chance to leave.
No. She sits, just close enough to feel her presence, quiet and patient, grounding. She has every reason to be angry with him, but she's sitting down anyway.
"It was right on the first day", he finds himself saying into the silence, voice empty. "When she died."
He knows Ellie can tell right away that he means Sarah.
"You never talk about her", she says quietly.
"I don't."
"You don't have to."
"I know."
She stays quiet, waiting for him. She always knows when he needs her to wait for him, never even seems to mind.
"They shot at us", Joel says eventually. "Neither of us was infected. That's just what the order was. After, for twenty years I told myself that it should've been me who died that day." Ellie is completely still beside him, listening, probably doesn't dare interrupt, and when Joel looks up there are tears in his eyes. "That's why I wanted to leave you with Tommy. I failed her, I couldn't protect her, what if-"
"What if it happened with me, too", she finishes, and Joel can't- he can't-
He lets his head sink, looking down.
"I'm sorry I lied to you", he says, and he actually means it, too. "But I know I can't protect you. No one can protect anyone, not here. Twenty years I survived in this place, and I was never scared of dying. I am now." He looks at her, into those wide eyes, it's impossible now to remember how he'd seen her as nothing but cargo once. It was all to protect himself, really. It hadn't worked for shit. "I'm scared all the fucking time now", Joel says, rubs his hands over his face, his tired eyes. "I wasn't scared like this since-"
Since her, he doesn't say. Doesn't need to.
It's so much better- so much worse, when you find something to live for. When you got something to lose.
"Changes you", he says, "when you stop caring like that. Damn near impossible to come back from that. Never really heals, not with all the fucking time in the world."
It wasn't time that did it, he'd said to her, hoping she'd understand. He thinks she did. Fuck, he hopes she did.
"Not sure I wanted it to, to be honest. Felt like- forgetting. Like moving on was-"
"Betraying her", Ellie says, and he nods.
"But that's no life. It's not what- what she would've wanted, I get that now."
She has to know, right? Why he's saying all this. Why he couldn't leave her with the Fireflies. Why he hadn't cared about a cure, or the millions of lives hers could have saved.
They both know he's not a good man, never pretended to be. Maybe it'd be enough, though, if he can be good for her.
"You know what I meant, don't you?", he says, because he needs to make sure. "When I said- when I said it wasn't time that did it. You know what I-"
Ellie nods. She smiles, and it's a small, watery thing, but she smiles.
"Good."
"Joel-" She tears up, lip trembling. "I'm-"
"Come here."
She falls into the offered hug like she's meant to fit there, her ponytail tickling his chin.
"I'm not- not trying to replace her or anything", she says into his shoulder. "I'm not- I'd never-"
"I know." He rubs her back, holds her tight. "Shh. I know, it's okay. It's okay."
I love you, he doesn't say. Maybe that's still too much, even if it's true.
It's not the same love he'd had for Sarah, either, that would always be hers. But it's damn close. It's close enough to matter more than anything else in this fucked up world.
It might just be enough to keep him alive.
~oOo~
"I get it", she tells him later. "Why you did it. Still think you fucking suck for lying to me about it." She punches his arm, a crooked smile in the corner of her mouth. "But yeah, I get it."
I'm scared of ending up alone, she'd written on Sam's board. Maybe she'd just never quite realized how true that is for Joel, too. Somehow, that makes her feel less scared, knowing he's right there with her.
She'd needed someone. And so did Joel, really, maybe even more. And maybe it's okay for them to find that. To be that, for each other.
She doesn't know what she's gonna do now.
She can't be done with this, not if the cure might still be real. She doesn't want to die, but it's selfish to fight for your life when dying could help so many others. The burden is back, the pressure, but then there's also Joel.
Joel, who she could be happy with, if there wasn't this weight at the back of her mind.
Joel, who lied to her, lied and fought and killed to protect her, to save her.
Joel, who has put her before the rest of the world.
She wants to live, she wants to live with him, for him, and she knows he thinks he's putting even more on her shoulders, admitting that she's actually grown to be important to him, but he's important like that to her too, and it feels good to be needed, it feels good to be chosen and wanted, even if it makes everything so fucking complicated.
She doesn't know what she's gonna do down the road.
But for now, she's gonna live.
"Joel? I'm glad you got me out of there", she tells him, and it's true.
"Me too, babygirl." Joel smiles, and she knows it's one of those rare, genuine ones. "Me too."
"They told me you'd gone, y'know. Before they prepped me for surgery", Ellie says. "I wanted to see you but they said you'd left."
"And you believed them."
It's not a question, the way he says it. Ellie shrugs.
"I don't know. I didn't, really. Wouldn't've blamed you if you had, though."
"Well. I'm not going anywhere." He aims for lighthearted. She can hear it's forced, but she appreciates it anyway. "I'm afraid you're stuck with me", Joel says, bumping their shoulders together, and God, does she want that to be true.
"Shit", she laughs. "Stuck with an old man and his sheep farm dreams?"
"Sounds boring, huh?"
Ellie grins.
"Sounds pretty damn perfect, actually."