Chapter Text
She was drowning, the water was made of shame and guilt, her lungs tried to pump air through her body. There was no air, only the realization that she was a wretched, stupid, thing. She was a coward, a hypocrite, she had acted with selfish glee, she deserved destruction. The world deserved destruction, she was not worthy of life and neither were the rest, all of it was tainted and wrong. One day truly good people would surely inherit the world, long after she was gone, people like Madoka.
The shame and guilt coalesced into a creature, a fish, something aquatic. A tail and a fin, a suit of armour, which of course was natural for fish to have. It drew a big sword, its helmet radiated malice and indignation. It had a name, it was her, the worst parts of herself given life. The sword traveled through the water, piercing her heart. It condemned her, it was the worst of her but also the best, and it found her wretched.
Two lights appeared, one red, one pink. The red light radiated warmth and compassion, a will to connect and soothe. The pink light did the same. But they were also different, she saw how the red exploded, violently shuddering as it too began to drown, she leaked blood. The fish, Oktavia, had stabbed the red light. The pink began to grow, it parted the water like Moses, forcing the shame and guilt away. A power so great, so radiant, that the darkness parted, all of it was gone.
She now sat at the opera, Kyosukes music filled the space. Beside her Madoka sat, different altogether than when she had last seen her friend. She asked a very important question, about what things were worth, what sacrifice was. Sayaka answered the only way she knew how and in her bones she felt, it was worth it, all pain was worth the happiness of the boy.
She was no longer in the opera, she sat in a white space and before her was an ocean. Stretching meters into the air, she was afraid it would crash into her, but it did not. She realized it was natural, bisected seas and sitting in front of them was an ordinary thing. In the sea a shape appeared, it was the fish, Oktavia, malice and judgment radiated from its form.
It did not speak, its language was one of despair and darkness. She instinctively knew how to read it, to comprehend it, so with nothing better to do she started to speak.
“What do you want from me?” It pissed her off a bit to be honest, just floating in the sea, judging. She agreed with it ofcourse, god knows she did not deserve the kindness shown to her by Madoka.
The suit of armour did not speak, instead of forming syllables its intent made itself directly known in her mind. It wanted her to be punished, her selfishness, wretchedness, it sought to recompense the universe for her debauchery.
She did not defend herself. She would not ask for absolution, she did not deserve it and Madoka could not give it, and even if she had wanted Sayaka would refuse. She instead proposed penance, a solution.
What looked like a fish, an armour, a Witch, considered. Sayaka continued to speak into its mind, the Witch wanted not only her punishment but also that of the world. To rid it of the degenerate, the vile. She countered that it was not their place, that the only vileness worth punishing was her own. The Witch hated the world for the same reason it hated Sayaka. So she defended the world, it was good, fundamentally. It did not deserve their condemnation, it deserved their service.
The Witch was soothed, they had reached an accord. To demonstrate their new partnership, to strive for a just and good future and to condemn her irreconcilable failings, she drew her saber and pierced her heart, the pain was good, it was sacrifice.
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Homuras labyrinth, the weeks spent sent into it to save the girl. Kyoko's laughter, the sense that it was good. Mamis' warmth, Nagisa's presence, an anchor in the knowledge that they had a task. The dissolution of the universe, the sundering of Madoka. Overwhelming desire, the power of it, reshaping the entirety. Anger and betrayal, her mind conforming to a new existence. Tears and deep relief at being greeted by friends, neither of which made sense. Collapsing in DDR as Kyoko laughed at her.
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She woke up, she panted, sweat coating her bed. She had failed again, she had been taken by the illusion. She was enraged, both at Homura and herself. She wanted to vomit, shooting up and completely forgetting the sleeping form of Kyoko, laying in her bedding on the floor, she stormed out.
She reached the bathroom and promptly vomited into the toilet, parts of their dinner expelled from her stomach. When it subsided she turned on the faucet, desperatly cleaning the edges of her mouth, she would need to wash her hair. She heard Kyoko's footsteps slowly leave their room, so she locked the door. She couldn’t explain, the enormity of the situation was too much. Kyoko would not understand, she could not begin to explain. In the mirror above the sink was a familiar presence. Oktavia stared back at her, it hated her, for failing, for indulging. Sayaka agreed, she would fix this, she would confront Homura. If need be she would overpower her, she had too, it had been months since she sundered Madoka, months since she made them forget. It needed to be put right. Then the door exploded.
Kyoko, with an expression of great worry and even more confusion stood in its place.
“Sayaka, are you alright!?”
For some reason this whole situation seemed extremely funny. Sayaka heard herself laugh. It was manic, Kyoko showing violent concern, the splintered door. Thank god her parents were away. She doubled over in continued fits of laughter and as she readied to actually say something the world went black.
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She came to laying in the couch, her head resting on one of the armrests, her body covered by a soft blanket patterned with Lightning Mcqueen, from the movie Cars. Her body felt heavy and her mind slow. Sitting on the floor, back towards the TV was Kyoko. It was morning. Syakas hair was damp, she had been washed, she had also been put in new clothes. The very obvious events that had transpired to make it so she did not want to think about. Kyoko handling her…. a fierce blush broke out on her face. Her mind, already slow and confused, descended even deeper into anarchy.
Her movements awoke Kyoko and Sayaka now wished not to be in this situation, in this world, as a conscious being. Her mind gave her a myriad of inputs, of what she should do. She decided to pretend to be unconcious.
“So, you wanna talk about it?”
Kyoko's voice was so gentle and soft it shocked her eyes open and her head automatically shifted in the other girl's direction. Kyoko in her mind was primarily made of steel and the smell of a feast. Loud and boisterous. This Kyoko was foreign to her. More so when she met her eyes, filled with a level of concern that stunned Sayaka's whole being.
She felt the magic course through her veins, her mind slowly but steadily oriented itself back upright and the exhaustion of her body was chased away by supernatural vitality. She sat up on the couch. Still stunned in the face of the red creature before her.
“Sayaka, what is going on?” Kyoko's voice was still light, but with an added layer of pleading.
“I…..” She tried to speak something coherent, legible, but it was all but impossible to know where to start.
“It is all wrong, Homura, she has done something really bad” Kyoko simply sat and listened in a manner Kazuko would have been elated for.
“I remember……” She realized that she would have to state exactly the issue with her being here, her stomach took a plunge, luckily there was no more food to expel.
“Kyoko, I should not be here, I died.” Vertigo momentarily filled her being.
Kyoko sat in silence for several seconds. Strange emotions warring in her features. At last she said, “You are wrong.”
“What?” Tension started to give way to confusion.
“Sayaka, you should be here, do not fucking say that nonsense.”
“Kyoko you do not understand. I was gone, Madoka wished for something good and then…..”
The redhead suddenly protested. “You don’t need to explain.”
Sayaka's confusion was now total, what the hell was going on with her friend?
Seeing her puzzled expression, Kyoko exhaled. “I remember too.”
Sayaka saw in her friend’s features what she could best describe as melancholy, an utterly foreign expression in Kyoko's face.
Confusion gave way to relief. “Great, my god I thought I would have to explain it all, I don’t know if I could have managed.” Somewhat giddy she continued. “Can you imagine me ranting about other worlds, trying to convince you of absolutely bonkers stuff!”
She continued, excited about their new odds. “We obviously need to stop her, and if the two of us corroborate our story maybe we could get the rest on board. Maybe even buckle Mami and Nagisas memories, especially Nagisa.” To denote the importance of Nagisa she gesticulated in a wide arch. “Kyoko we really really need Nagisa, it's like the most important part, I can not emphasize enough how important the cheesemonger is to the success of the mission!”
Kyoko however seemed to not at all share her enthusiasm. Quite the opposite, as Sayaka's spirits lifted Kyokos seemed to descend into a well worn countenance of veiled frustration.
“Kyoko?”
Her friend responded. “And? We crash into Homura's place, we lose and she reenchants us or whatever, or if we win? Then what?”
These questions seemed supremely strange to Sayaka, was Kyoko scared? Unthinkable.
“Kyoko don’t tell me you are scared?” Genuine puzzlement once again showed on Sayaka's features. “And if we lose then we will just have to try again, no matter how many times it takes. If we remembered once we could surely remember again.”
“And if we don’t” Kyoko bit back. “What if we never remember again, what if she separates us or worse?”
“Because.” She took a pause. “It is the right thing to do.” She weighted her words with their appropriate gravity. “We must put it right, we have a duty to, and if that puts us in an even worse position in the event of failure we must simply hope to get another chance. Also a good reason to get this right on the first try.” She lowered her voice to half a whisper. “We need to be subtle.”
Kyoko now looked not just irritated but also gobsmacked.
“Fuck that.”
Sayaka's face dropped. “Fuck what, Kyoko?”
“This whole plan, and no I am not afraid of Homura, I could take her any day of the week!”
Now it was Sayaka's turn to feel the irritation build. “Well Kyoko, we need to do something. So what do you propose we do, smartypants?”
“Nothing.”
“Come again?”
“You heard me, we don’t do nothing.” Kyoko's voice began to fill with a kind of subtle desperation Sayaka had never heard before, and the proposition that this Kyoko was somehow a completely different person seemed all the more likely by the minute.
Sayaka stood up as Kyoko did the same. “Kyoko what the hell? We can't just pretend everything is fine.”
“Sure we can.” A memory came unbidden into Sayaka's mind, a meeting in a run down church. The selfish nature of the other girl's suggestion. This was not a different Kyoko, she now realised it was an old one, the oldest Sayaka knew.
“Kyoko we can't be selfish about this, we need to help our friends, no matter how….” She was momentarily stuck on the correct terminology. “... fun, this has been, we can't let it continue.”
Kyoko, now filled with what Sayaka knew was genuine anger, almost shouted back. “Selfish, fun!?” Agitated, she continued. “Forget the others, what do you fucking want out of this operation.”
Sayaka, matching Kyoko's volume, responded. “To do the right thing. What the hell do you think?!”
“Let's say we succeed, what then?”
“It's all gonna turn back, right itself, everyone will be where they are supposed to be.” She scowled. “Seriously Kyoko, what is your problem?”
“So you want to go away, to be gone? That's what you damn want?”
Sayaka balked. “Of course not, but what I think or what happens to me is irrelevant.” She was now filled with righteous indignation, she felt the bond with her Witch react, neither of them could tolerate this. It was an obscene suggestion, to shirk their duty, to allow Homura to continue to keep Madoka suppressed, to keep them all unknowing or feign such a state.
Kyoko, now properly worked up, almost roared with both anger and what Sayaka detected to be something else, the desperation, the melancholy that was so foreign in her friend's voice. “Answer my damn question! If you do not want to disappear then what the fuck do want!?”
Sayaka's mind did something peculiar, she readied to answer Kyoko's blow but as she comprehended what she was about to say she stopped herself. She had almost answered with something so vulnerable and true it momentarily took her back.
I want to be here with our friends, with you.
She could not say that out loud. Her indignation deflated and left her dizzy, it was painful, shameful, she at once was disgusted with herself. Oktavia roared in her mind, sensing her weakness, her traitorous impulse. She imagined the selfishness, the indulgence, as a wraith, an enemy. In her mind she punched it, she beat it bloody and forced it back down to where it belonged. Far away from her thoughts.
But it wasn't working, no matter how hard Oktavia screamed or how much she tried to harry the sensation out of her mind it remained, sturdy as a rock. She felt tears in her eyes, her shame mixing with a grief so enormous it was beyond definition. There was also a desire, and the object of that desire was in front of her, filled with vitality and energy, she also knew that Kyoko would not refuse. That she felt the same. The realization made her head spin harder, the whole room wobbled, she lost her footing and crashed back into the couch.
She needed to leave, to get out of Kyoko's presence, to start moving against Homura, to banish this impulse forever, to restore the correct order of things, to sacrifice, she had promised herself and Oktavia, all pain was worth it, for the good of all. In an unsteady attempt at physical motorics she stood up and began wobbling towards the front door of the apartment.
Her roommate quickly intercepted and blocked it with her body.
The same anger, mixed with the same desperation. “Where the fuck do you think you are going!?”
Sayaka could barely talk, she gritted her teeth and forced out the necessary sounds. “Get out of the way.” She kept on. “If you are not going to help I will do it myself.”
Kyoko's tone, while still laden with anger, was now morphed into a version more familiar to Sayaka, that of sardonic mockery.
“Well Sayaka, today I am the door guard and unless you know the password I can’t let you leave. Security, very important, one door has already been trashed by inattentive residents so it's super important to not improperly handle this one.”
Sayaka, steadied now by her objective and a clear goal, gathered herself, the tears that had threatened to burst receded. This was familiar, it was a challenge, a language she and Kyoko were much more used to employing than the confused emanations of her feelings or thoughts.
“If you do not let me pass I will have to force myself out, I do not want to have to punch you.”
Kyoko grinned. “As if you could even land a single blow on me, dude you know that out of the two of us I am the most experienced.”
“You wanna test that?” Sayaka raised an eyebrow, the challenge had been inevitable as soon as Kyoko had chosen to block her path. This kind of posture was still important, like a sacred ritual, to consecrate the coming test by invoking one's own god given superiority over the other.
Sayaka tensed her legs and readied her arms, Kyoko braced against the door, seeing the opening move coming.
Sayaka rushed Kyoko, slammed into her side in an attempt to shove her out of her position. Kyoko held, Sayaka applied even more pressure. Kyoko gave out momentarily, making Sayaka lose balance and then shoved her back, almost managing to make her fall back sideways into the couch.
Panting Sayaka stood back up, she considered what had to be done. She could maybe turn the other way, find the nearest window and jump out, however employing such tactics felt cheap, not worth it even if it would have delightedly frustrated Kyoko to no end. No, she needed to overpower her.
She panted and stared, Kyoko and her had engaged in many contests of physical prowess and endurance, not to mention the unending tally of who managed to dispatch the most wraiths. But this was different, it felt significant in a way she could not articulate.
She summoned her Magical Girl regalia, but not her sabres. Kyoko followed her lead, sensing the unnamed gravity of the situation and transformed. She readied the same move again, now imbued by her full magical strength. By transforming she had proposed to remove one of their limits, it was a silent and symbolic gesture, which Kyoko had reciprocated.
Again she slammed into Kyoko's side, vaguely aware that the apartment was now at risk, but she did not care, apologising would have to come later. As she increased the pressure on Kyoko she was ready for the same feint, however instead Kyoko actively pushed back. One of Kyoko's legs tried to collapse Sayaka's own, she retaliated by exerting the most amount of pressure at the moment Kyoko's leg tried to swipe. The result was that both tumbled to the ground. Sayaka was on top of Kyoko, using one of her arms to try and block Kyoko's vision, sensing victory she immediately made ready to stand up and bolt through the door. Before she could even start Kyoko grabbed her waist and shifted their positions, now Sayaka was under Kyoko's red outfit.
The tension of the fight now warred with a foreign kind of tension, as their arms and hands fought to restrain the other, the closeness of them both assaulted her mind in a way that was both distracting and sharpening. She needed space. Shoving Kyoko off her with a thud, Sayaka stumbled back on four limbs before standing up once again.
Their positions had not changed much at all, Kyoko still occupied the door and Sayaka would have to once again make the assault. Both were now panting heavily, sweat coated both their brows, bruises had appeared on both their arms and unseen under their outfits. Kyoko's expression was no longer of feigned pride but a resolute mask. She needed to end this, she needed to get out, she would not be subject to Kyoko's choice. Discarding the last of her limits she summoned one of her sabers, she had no idea what would happen if she tried this, she had only done it once before in actual combat. Turning the saber towards herself she made ready to summon Oktavia, Kyoko would not be able to resist what Sayaka now truly was. The Witch roared in her mind, ready to aid in Sayaka's mission as the creature had done once before. Sayaka made ready for the sensation, for the pain, the good, the sacrifice.
The sound of whistling steel, of chained links and heavy weights. Moments before piercing her heart the saber was ripped from her hands and clattered against the floor. She summoned another ready to deflect Kyoko's chains, which now had completely trashed their living room in the exchange and loomed before her like an indoor cloud of industrial grey.
Instead, out of the chaos, Kyoko's body slammed into Sayaka and tackled her into the couch. Spear and sabre flew to the floor, Kyoko's body wrapped tight around Sayakas, grabbing her sides and the red hair burrowed in her neck.
Stuck between the couch and Kyoko, Sayaka's pulse both quickened and stabilised, a mutually impossible phenomena. The adrenaline wore off and the carnage in the apartment forced her to look around. It was well and truly a catastrophe and how this situation would ever be explained to her parents or fixed in any sense of the word was lost to her. She groaned and at once her whole body sank, the tension leaving all at once.
She felt something wet on her shoulder, Kyoko was crying, pressing her face almost painfully hard against her skin. Sayaka did not know what to do, she was exhausted, the confusion that had escaped her mind when the fight started was now returning, the tears in her own eyes threatening to again burst forth. Oktavia screamed in her, but she was too exhausted to feel shame, too exhausted to consider her own mind or thoughts. It was too much, she let instinct guide her and found her hand on Kyoko's hair, stroking it, she found her head pressed into Kyoko's shoulder above and she found that she was crying too.
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After some time had passed the tears stopped. Yet both remained on the couch, in the same position, hugging into the same closeness. Sayaka did not know how long they remained, but when she opened her eyes the sun had gone down. She nudged Kyoko, it was unclear if she had fallen asleep or if her body had simply decided to shut down. She was unsure of the difference.
Kyoko moved her face off Sayaka's shoulder, bleary eyed and red. She simply stared down at the other girl. “Do not ever do that again, once was more than enough.” Her voice was small and raspy, the aftereffects of tears choking the vocal cords.
“I am….” Syaka did not know how to respond. “I’m sorry Kyoko, I was, I needed to….” But her words simply petered out, the exhaustion too great to power through. She simply stared up into Kyoko's eyes and could not act further.
Kyoko continued. “You know what I thought when you did that in Homura's labyrinth?” She paused. “I thought of dad, of what he did, for a moment I was back in our house. It was the worst feeling in the world.”
Sayaksa's eyes widened and instead of words, what escaped her lips were halformed letters and a small whine. She felt the guilt pool in her gut but neither her body or mouth was functioning the way they were supposed to. She wanted to apologize, to reassure but her cratered mind would not cooperate.
“I could not let you do that again.” Small sniffles escaped Kyoko as she sat up on Syakas waist. “I know you want to do the right thing, even if it's stupid as hell.” Kyoko's voice was simply sad.
“Kyoko, I'm sorry.” Sayaka's mind finally cooperated. “It’s just that I have failed again. I have failed….. for months….. and it’s my fault.”
Kyoko looked so forlorn it pained her.
“I have known for weeks now.” Kyoko said in a slow voice, thick with guilt and shame.
Sayaka was almost unable to process what had just been said. “What?”
“I dreamed of a hellish place, a place where you had died. Then I realised the place was reality and we were in it.”
Again Sayaka did not know how to react, her emotional and physical capacity had long since been surpassed and whatever small amount was left was not enough to fully deal with this information. So she decided not to, that Kyoko had lied to her for weeks, that she had known the true state of things and said nothing, the possibility that she had actively deceived her. It didn't matter. A significant part of her faintly cried out in hurt and betrayal, another part saw Kyoko's absolute distress and could not accuse. It was madness, even Oktavia was silent.
Instead she listened to her stomach, which was starving. With great effort and deliberate movement she wormed her way out from under Kyoko and sat up on the couch. She put a hand on Kyoko's shoulder, looked into her reddened eyes with what she knew were just as ruined eyeballs and calmly asked. “Do you want some pizza?”
Staring back Kyoko answered “If you stay here.” Realising the truly titanic amounts of sincerity that had taken place over the last day and what this statement could mean, Kyoko made a grimace and added in a desperate attempt to reclaim some normalcy. “I mean stay here to eat it with me stupid.”
“Pepperoni?” Sayaka asked and Kyoko nodded.
She also preferred pepperoni, Kyoko made the call.
Sayaka sank back into the coach and began to close her eyes, before darkness again took her she spotted Kyoko looking at her and in the redhead's gaze was naked and sincere admiration. Finally she drifted off, an inexplicable sense of contentment guiding her away.