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Nothing was more difficult than making the first move. It was true for anything: first making friends, trying something new, saying sorry, or making a life decision. But to Makoto Niijima, it was to confess. Thinking back to a few months before, Makoto would have never imagined she would confess to someone anytime soon. But here she was, standing on the rooftop as the soon-to-be subject of her confession kneeled down at the garden bed, tending to the soil and not caring about making her sport uniform dirty.
Makoto had to admit her move was quite foolish. She had asked Haru if she needed help with gardening, which she knew Haru was always happy to have an opportunity to teach her, and sure enough, a positive answer came. She thought that being in one of Haru’s favorite place would help the experience. That morning, Makoto woke up feeling confident. She walked to school confident. She headed to class confident. She climbed the stairs confident. Until she came face to face with the auburn haired girl.
Her confidence melted like ice in the sun.
Now, she was standing like a stiff log of wood, her bag still present on her shoulder. Haru had told her to get ready and be more comfortable, and yet, Makoto didn’t move an inch more.
“Mako-Chan? Is everything alright?”
Snapped out of her thoughts, her red eyes came to rest right into Haru’s light brown. Her heart stopped listening to her, and she once more got lost in those soft and kind eyes that she had seen darkened when Haru put on her mask of rebellion. But this time, they were laced with pure worry. Haru was worried about her .
It gave her enough strength to reach into her bag, from where she pulled a piece of paper.
Her confession.
Haru immediately noticed it, and it didn’t take her more than a moment to get her gloves off and get up, her face laced in confusion. Yet, Makoto wasn't going to let her get closer. If she was to, the brown haired girl would surely lose the last bit of her composure.
“Haru.” Her voice announced loud and clear, enough to reach Haru and made her stop in her tracks. She had noticed by now that something was happening, and talking was useless until Makoto was done. Always the attentive woman, Makoto noted. It gave her confidence back.
And she started reading.
“When we first met, it was in a futuristic spaceship, in a place twisted by wrapped desires. Not as Haru and Makoto, but as Beauty Thief and Queen. I remember being surprised and vaguely curious. I had felt myself wanting to discover who you were, like a mystery taunting me. It didn't take long, your auburn hair is quite the familiar sight, and I remembered you in Shujin, passing in the corridors like the perfect strangers we were toward each other.”
A simple look up told her she had all of Haru’s attention. Her eyes drifted back to the paper.
“I must admit, being complimented on how my Metaverse outfit looked threw me even more off balance. It seemed you had the talent of surprising me, and I felt quite baffled at the moment. You kept and kept intriguing me, and you never resented me, despite the hostility you had every right to hold against us Phantom Thieves.”
Her voice was steady. She heard Haru’s heel hit the ground. It means Haru was taking it seriously.
“ I would have gladly smashed that idiot of your fiance were it not for the consequences, because you do not belong near someone who decided to treat you like that. ”
Venom poured into her words. She really hated that man. And judging by the small chuckle it got out of her listener, it had done its job.
“After that, we both know the story. But I would like to share my sentiments regarding it.”
“You were and are my first best friend. It had been a while since I had been called Mako-Chan, and I felt weirdly good about gaining a nickname. Having a friend was something I gained while joining the Phantom Thieves, but you managed to give me more. I felt…appreciated.”
Haru’s soft gaze lingered on her. Yet, she couldn’t look up. She couldn’t stop now. She had to continue.
“I never thought sleepovers with your best friend would be enjoyable. I had always been the lone one who had trouble making friends because I had to focus on my studies. You were the lone one who was lonely because you were the heiress of an empire where you couldn't afford to trust anyone.”
She could feel Haru’s smile even without looking. But still, a lump formed in her throat as she read the next sentence.
“I will be sincere, I hated the day your dad passed a lot. I was rippled with guilt about what had happened, about what shouldn't have happened, and most of all, selfishly, I felt like I was missing your smile. “
Haru shifted on her legs side to side, swaying with the wind. She knew it was a difficult topic. Haru felt even more guilty than all of the Thieves, but she hid it well. Makoto’s voice now became stronger. She needed to show her what she felt.
“I stayed by your side, even when you pushed us away, even when you wanted us to leave you alone, I wouldn't do that. You had managed to steal my heart as a friend, as my best friend, and I wasn't going to let your wounded heart decide that you should be left alone. I wanted to steal and heal your heart back.”
Her eyes closed for a bit. Before opening and locking gazes with Haru, surprising the fluffy haired girl.
“ And I did. ”
That night when I reached for you, and you answered back, days after it happened? Your heart decided to trust me because you realised you weren't alone anymore. I knew what you felt, and when it happened, my sister was there. But you, you were alone. I decided that I wanted to be your support, because grief cannot be overcome on your own.
Memories came back.
”Here, I made you tea. I’m sorry, I am not an expert like you are.”
Makoto could still hear Haru’s genuine laugh that came after she said that.
“That’s good enough for me.”
Silence had filled the room, broken by the occasional sips of one of them drinking the tea. Makoto made a face. It was bitter, not to her taste at all. Yet, Haru seemed unfazed, looking like she was enjoying the tea.
“How’s every-”
“You know it’s alright to cry and show your pain, right?”
Makoto’s voice had cut her, immediately making Haru quiet.
“I know. But I can’t. I cannot because it’s our fault it happened!”
“It’s not. We could’ve done nothing. That Black Mask did it.”
“You don’t understand! Maybe if we had stayed more! Maybe-” Haru’s high pitched voice had felt like a call for help to Makoto. She hated seeing her like that.
“Haru. It’s too late. You have to let go.”
She crumbled. Haru Okumura’s eyes filled with tears, rolling and rolling and rolling down until it fell. Makoto knew that pain, too familiar pain, and she wrapped her arms around the weeping girl, looking so fragile and weak as days of pain and grief shook her body. Makoto held her for a while. She doesn’t remember how long, but by the time Haru got out of the embrace, the tea had gone cold on the table.
Her eyes snapped back up, falling out of the memory. Haru’s face wasn’t smiling. It was a weird mixture of pain and gratitude. It looked like Haru had been thinking about the same memory. She smiled to her, trying to ease her, before reading the letter where she had left.
“I didn't expect my heart to be further stolen by you. That night, when you fell asleep after a heartfelt conversation, I laid awake and realised my heart didn't belong to me anymore.“
Makoto’s voice got lower. Her cheeks got warmer, now a pretty cherry red coloring her pale cheeks. It was the part that was starting to unravel her feelings. She didn’t dare look up, but Haru’s eyes seemed trailed on her.
“ But to you. ”
Without her being able to do much, her hands started to join the concerto of her heart pounding. The hands holding on the letter now showed her state of mind, shaking like a newborn fawn.
“It didn't take much more to me to realise how my heart pounded in my chest when you smiled, how I wanted to lean more into your hugs, how I wanted to hold you and never let you go, so nobody would ever hurt you ever again .”
She paused. Now was the moment Haru could stop her. Nothing came, and so she continued.
“Going into Sae's palace hurt me despite knowing about it since the start. But this time, you were there by my side. I could feel your supportive gaze, your worried expression and your frowning face when I would yell at her Shadow like a banshee, like an idiot in search of something that didn't exist. And yet, during all of that, despite all of the emotional turmoil in my heart? I still found peace in seeing you prepare me coffee and calling me every night…make sure I ate and rested. Even as Sis stopped coming home.”
It was like she could still hear her phone ringing, her picking it up, and being greeted by the familiar voice of her best friend.
“ Good Evening Mako-Chan! ”
“No need to be formal with me, Haru.” She had answered.
“ Balivernes! I am formal with you when I need to. Right now, I want to know if you have eaten .”
She had hesitated.
“A bit.”
“ When? ” Haru always knew, Makoto swore that girl knew everything.
“Lunch.”
“ It’s 10 pm, Mako-Chan. ” Did she really need to point it out? Makoto sighed. She was always right too.
“I’ll go grab something. I don’t really know if we have something left.”
“ Actually, I slipped something in your bag .” Makoto’s eyebrow shot up.
After a simple look in her bag, she found a small craft bag. How hadn’t she noticed that ? Inside was an onigiri, looking homemade by the weird shape it had, some cherry tomatoes -from Haru’s garden she guessed- and a little paper, with written ‘Take care <<3 -Haru’ and a flower drawn in the corner.
“When did you?”
“ Does it really matter? ” No, it didn’t, Makoto remembered thinking.
“Well, that’s very nice of you. You shouldn’t have.”
“ I wanted to. And I knew you wouldn’t eat if I didn’t. ” Right on the spot.
“Thank you. I’ll try to eat so-”
“ Now. ” Straight to the point when she wanted something.
Makoto grumbled, loud enough for Haru to hear it through the phone, prompting a chuckle.
She bit into it. Tuna Mayo. A bit too much mayo to her taste, but she liked it a lot. Her stomach grumbled too. Hunger overtook her and she happily ate the onigiri. Makoto really had neglected herself.
“ I’m glad you like it! ” She had said nothing. Once more, Haru was always aware. “ Be careful alright? I’d hate to see you all hungry. I need to go. Good night Mako-Chan! ”
The line went dead. She did that every day until Makoto proved to be in a better spirit. Still, the habit of calling in the evening never went away.
She smiled with gratitude. Makoto knew she would have never survived this without her.
“The deadline came by, and you showed me what it meant being strong. You barely had time to grieve your father, and you were by my side as I shook like a kid scared to lose her sister, a sister who didn't care about me anymore. You put aside your pain to help me!”
Makoto’s voice joined the shaking of her hands. The letter was crumbling in her hands, as she barred her heart to the one person she trusted the most. And yet, she felt so vulnerable, as if she was naked and showing every part of her mind.
“I knew you were right behind me when I had to take the role of leader when Akira was being interrogated. Everyone needed me to be there, but you , you were there when I needed you, when I needed someone.”
“I fell and fell more for you. It only got worse, when you decided to invite me to lunch every day, giving me a piece of precious joy in my day.”
Her words felt heavy. Her confidence was fading, and yet, something inside her was like it was being freed. Like a balloon you pierced and let the air out.
She didn’t dare look up. The comfort of her letter was what she was seeking.
“We beat Akechi. I desperately wanted to reach for your hand as he admitted to the killing, as he admitted everything, because I could see you grip your axe with all your strength, while keeping such a neutral face and never showing a hint of all your anger and grief.”
That moment was still in her memory. The pure fury in her eyes, her death grip on her axe, everything lethal. She had been ready to pounce, like a predator on its prey. She had held on. They needed to keep cool.
“Shido went down, bringing an end to his reign of corruption and death. We fought a god on Christmas and won. And yet, despite all of that, a part of my mind kept drifting to you. It was bigger than anything I ever felt.”
Her heart was beating loudly in her chest. She was nearing the end, fearing it. She wanted to convey her feelings because they had become too much, threatening to spill at any given moment. Telling her and choosing the moment had been the only control she had allowed herself. Makoto couldn’t control the outcome however.
“I can't help but let my thoughts get back to you. Like that time where we went out to see the stars because you had never seen them. Or when you cheered for me at a simple Aikido tournament. In a few months, you became someone I don't think I can live without.”
She cherished both those memories with all her heart. The stars had been so beautiful, they reflected in Haru’s eyes.They had ran back toward Haru’s home under the rain, soaked but happy and laughing. Makoto had wished on a star to keep that smile on Haru’s face forever.
The Aikido tournament had been a surprise. She had told Haru that weeks before, and had definitely not expected her to show up. She had cheered the loudest for Makoto, putting to shame some big guys with bigger voices. Makoto swore she saw one running away from Haru. It had given her the courage to fight harder. They celebrated her victory at Big Bang Burger with the trophy right on the table.
She continued the letter. Haru hadn’t moved in a while, and it could mean both a good and a bad sign. Stopping now would be pointless.
“The only thing that kept me from confessing to you was that I didn't know if you were interested in women. It wasn't something we discussed in our usual discussion. Until it was brought up during the Team sleepover, where you admitted you liked both, and my heart pounded like a horse at full speed. Forcing myself to stay calm as my voice shook when I admitted liking girls. Your eyes were on me as you noticed that unusual shake. I assume you thought I was scared to tell you I liked girls, when in reality, I was losing my mind as my heart screamed for me to finally kiss you without anything said.”
That memory was vivid. It was the most recent one.
Ann had been bragging about wanting a sleepover with everyone, and annoyed with her, Ryuji finally agreed. They decided to go in the Attic at Leblanc, so they could eat curry for dinner. The topic of liking girls was prompted by Futaba who just wanted to tease Yusuke.
“Y’know what? Inari looks like a guy that kisses guys, in a totally non-platonic way.”
“I beg your pardon? ” Makoto had to admit, Yusuke’s face had made her laugh slightly.
“I said: You look gay.”
“Do I need to take it as an insult or as a compliment coming from you?”
“Can’t it be both?”
“Okay calm down.” Akira had put himself between both.
“Well, I think Lady Ann has to be a man kisser, right?”
Everyone had stopped, until Ann objected.
“Nope. I’m as lesbian as Makoto is.” Makoto had never turned her head that fast. She immediately objected.
“What?! I’m no-”
“Okay we’re not going to do that. Ann, you do not out people without their consent. You ask them politely.” Akira, always the voice of reason, had spoken while Makoto was trying her best to save her face.
“Fine…Then, who’s gay?”
Ryuji and Akira both put their hands up.
“So Inari’s not gay?”
“I am asexual if you want to know so much, Futaba.” Yusuke looked like he wanted to strangle her.
“I’m pansexual!” Haru’s voice made everyone’s head turn toward her. “I think personality matters more than gender!”
Everyone nodded in agreement, while Makoto was lost in her own head. Haru wasn’t straight. But she wasn’t a lesbian either. But she said gender didn’t matter. Makoto’s mind was going fast and her heart pounding and so she failed to notice Futaba and Morgana speaking up, until everyone’s eyes turned on her.
-”I like girls.” Her voice was shaking.
Everyone turned silent. In truth, Makoto had only accepted she liked girls not so long ago, after being in that awkward internalized homophobia part. The fact she had nobody to talk about it didn’t help. Admitting it right now was a big step, and it seemed everyone understood that. They all went with their ‘good job’ ‘nice.’ ‘I’m proud of you’, but Haru stayed silent. Instead, her brows were furrowed in worry and with something unreadable.
Makoto didn’t think much of it, and anyway, everyone forgot about it as soon as Morgana stole a bit of Ryuji’s curry, creating a massive pillow fight. Makoto knocked all participants down -she had been gentler with Haru, Ann and Futaba. She knew the boys could take it, so she went all out on them- and they ended the night with a movie.
It was one of the best memories she had made with the Thieves. Them being teenagers.
She got out of the memory, and seeing as she had only a few lines left, gave all her heart into reading them.
“In summary, my heart has been captured by you, by your beautiful auburn hair, by your light brown eyes, by you only.”
“In my eyes, you are nothing but perfect, and I know that I might not be an equal on that level, but all my heart is begging (me to do) is to open up to you.”
“My best friend, my confidant, and the strongest woman I know.”
“You, Haru Okumura, Beauty Thief, Noir, have stolen my heart.”
As she was about to finally finish the letter, her voice was taken away. Actually, a lot was taken away as she felt soft lips against hers, hands against her cheeks squeezing them, and the one doing it with her eyes closed and her cheeks a beautiful peach pink. Haru was kissing her.
Makoto took a minute to process, her eyes drifting to Haru’s face so close to her own, the smell of soil and coffee, and all the small details of the auburn haired girl. She decided that she wanted to see that more often, and wanted her lips against her too, if Haru didn’t mind.
Her letter was crumbled into her fist, and her free hand went on Haru’s waist as she closed her eyes.
‘ That ’, she thought, ‘ is a much better conclusion than the one I wrote .’
I do not expect you to return my confession, but if you do, I promise to care and love you for as long as you desire.
- Makoto N.