Chapter Text
Jungwon tilts his head down, a funny feeling in his chest. He’s glad he chose to wear a snapback today, the brim pressing down on his slightly overgrown bangs and hiding his quivering eyes. Around him, the sound of the boys’ laughter continues to surround him, each new guffaw piercing him like a knife to his body.
“We can just do it without you, it’ll be like trainee times! You didn’t train with us anyway!”
“Yeah, but we’ll just talk about in the group chat with you in it so you can see it too! Wouldn’t that be so funny?”
He blinks back tears, grateful for the shield of his cap away from prying eyes. Not that anyone would notice; they’re all too busy laughing at him. The dessert shop has never felt so loud yet so quiet at the same time – it feels like everyone in the shop’s watching him be humiliated, yet like everything is happening too fast, too much around him. Jungwon’s ears ring, thoughts swirling around in his mind like a whirlpool. Too much.
Their manager had just informed him of a scheduling clash, one resulting in his inability to perform with the rest of the group for an important event. He had scored a solo schedule, collaborating with other celebrities for a filming that was unfortunately set to be recorded on the same day as a prestigious award show, one that could set Enhypen apart from others, one that could really, really put them on the map.
He tried, he really did, God bless his little heart, to get around it, suggesting rescheduling, loopholes, even refusing his solo schedule, but to no avail. Every solution he had desperately voiced out was shot down, met with sarcastic laughs that brushed him off. (“What if I don’t go? I know everything’s already set in stone but I can find a way, can’t I?” he had pleaded. “Or, or, I could ask for a personal favor and ask to record my parts first thing in the morning so I can join you guys as soon as possible. How’s that? Could that work?”)
"We’ll be just fine without you, it’s not like we haven’t done it before, lol!”
“I mean, we can always ask hyung to do your parts, we don’t only need you to make it work…”
“You can’t rush down after, you might not make it in time and I don’t want to risk us losing out because of you.”
Oh. God forbid he tries, he supposes. At first, he understands where they’re coming from, or at least, he tries. He looks beyond the poor delivery and tries to see it from their perspective. He understands it would be unfair of him to withdraw from his schedule after agreeing. He understands it would be unfair of him to ask the guys to rely on him to be there when he might not be able to. He understands, he really does.
But that doesn’t mean he has to accept it, accept how mean they’re being under the guise of funny jokes or misplaced understanding. He thinks he’s not being unreasonable, quite the opposite really – and it’s not like he’s acting like it’s not a big deal. He thinks he might as well have laid on the table and bared himself whole, the desperation clear in his vulnerable voice.
“It’s not funny,” Jungwon reasons, “I really want to do this with you guys. I want to accept any trophies we might get together, I want to perform together, hell, I just want to practice together. Don’t you want to try, to exhaust all our options before just saying I can’t do it?”
It’s silent for maybe all of one second before somebody pipes up, “Not really.” Then a giggle. Like it doesn’t even matter. Like it’s funny.
Jungwon falls silent. They continue laughing, continue poking fun at him, as he just tunes it all out. He trains his eyes on the table, boring the woodwork into his brain. A part of him wishes somebody, anybody, would notice his shift in mood, the change of his behaviour. It’s not too much to ask, he thinks, for the people he’s spent the better half of a decade with to recognise when something’s wrong. The other part of him wishes they ignore him, the way he’s trying his best to ignore them, so they’re all spared of an awkward conversation, or even worse, a tearful outburst.
He breathes. For once in his life, he doesn’t know what to do.
𓇼
On the other side of the table, Jay narrows his eyes. After the first time Jungwon opened his mouth, possible solutions barrelling out, words slurring together in his panic, Jay had stopped laughing. He recognised that look in Jungwon’s eyes, though he wishes he didn’t. It’s a look of pure desperation, almost akin to the look he had when they filmed the last episode of I-LAND. The realisation that the prospect of not being together for such an important event genuinely meant so much to Jungwon had dawned on him, and suddenly guilt rushed over him – guilty that he had laughed, guilty that he had contributed to Jungwon’s discomfort, guilty that he didn’t realise sooner.
Jay does nothing, not yet. He observes Jungwon through it all, watching the way his eyes shone with plead, his silent begging for the rest to take him seriously, and the way his face crumpled when he heard “Not really”. He watches as Jungwon hides his face with his cap angled down, unsure of what he should do – should he give him some space? Confront the guys? Comfort him there and then?
𓇼
Jungwon pulls out his phone, willing his breathing to even. He refuses to cry, not here, not in front of the guys. Scrolling through his contact list, his mind races, trying to think of who he can confide in without breaking confidentiality. It’s not like he has a lot of friends – his friends are the very six seated around him at the moment – and the other friends he has, he can’t provide much context to, in agreement with their mutual promise to keep Enhypen problems within Enhypen. Without much consideration, he taps on his chat labelled 누나.
쩡
hey need some advice pls
or maybe just a listening ear
10.15pm
쩡
okay so ure not online but im just going to let it off my chest
long story short i cant go for an important schedule with the guys, and i tried super hard to find solutions but i kept getting brushed off
they kept making jokes and taking them too far, basically about how i wasn’t originally with them and joking about excluding me, how they don't really need me and how theyre not willing to try to have me
i just feel invalidated and upset rn
hope u can read this soon :(
10.17pm
As he hits send on that last message, his ears perk up upon hearing his name in conversation again. Hopefully they’ve stopped joking around and are taking me seriously now, he thinks, still keeping his eyes trained on his phone.
“Honestly, now that you mention that stage, all I can think about is Jungwon panicking right before it was our turn to perform.”
“Oh my god, yes, it was so funny?! It was so sudden, I looked over and he was suddenly crying and heaving!”
“Wait what, he had a panic attack? Why? I don’t remember this?”
“Oh yeah, you were on the other end of the stage. I think his costume that day wasn’t fitting well and it worked him up so he was extra nervous before going on, he just started crying and hyperventilating right before, so much so that even the other staff and idols had to help comfort him. It was so sudden, and somehow right when our song started he went out confidently like nothing happened. It was so funny!”
Jungwon stills. Funny? His panic attack was funny to them? For a split second, he wishes he hadn’t tuned them out so much – he’s so confused as to how they got to this topic from almost a full two years ago. Funnily enough, costuming wasn't even the reason he panicked - his entire family was present to watch him for the first time that day, and he was worried he would disappoint them. Jungwon almost laughs in disbelief. Not only are they poking fun at him yet again, but that they’re poking fun at him mistakenly. Somehow, this was exactly what he needed for his sadness to wash away, only to be replaced by waves of anger.
In what world would it not be disrespectful to make fun of someone’s panic attack like that? Right in front of them, no less, when said person is obviously not enjoying it? Such a vulnerable moment, being exposed and laughed at… Jungwon’s eyebrows furrow in distaste, debating whether to jump in. Luckily for him, he doesn’t have to.
“That’s enough guys,” Jay’s voice rings out, smooth and heavy against the backdrop of their laughter. “It’s not as funny as you think it is. Let’s move on.” The table stifles their laughter quickly, small murmurs of agreement heard quietly as they clear their throats and move on to another topic.
Jungwon inhales sharply. He lets a moment pass before finally tearing his eyes away from his phone, locking eyes with his savior across the table. Jay, who is already looking at him, smiles softly, crinkling the corners of his eyes. That’s all Jungwon needs – a small sign of comfort, a sign that someone is looking out for him, his feelings – for him to smile and look away.
𓇼
The rest of supper isn’t awkward, but Jungwon remains silent the whole time, thoughts racing. He’s silent as they finish up their meal, he’s silent as they pay, he’s silent as they pile into the company van to make their way back to the dormitory. He’s silent until the van stops at the basement and they stand, waiting for the elevator. He’s torn between whether he should be glad that nobody’s paying attention to him, that nobody asked if he was okay – he doesn’t know to be grateful that he’s allowed the space to feel, or upset that they don’t see the need, or perhaps even recognise the need, to check up on him. Either way, he presses the button for the first floor instead of their dorm, mumbling how he needs to take a walk to whoever who’ll listen.
𓇼
Trudging along Han River, Jungwon sighs, hands stuffed deep into his pockets. I should’ve left my heavy ass practice bag in my room before going for a walk, he thinks. He matches his pace to the slow song blasting in his ears, eyes wandering over the pretty Seoul skyline and observing the other people cycling or walking along the same path. It’s his favorite part of going on walks – people watching. His chance to detach himself from his life, his problems, his feelings, and just submerge himself in the world’s biggest guessing game.
He clears his throat, willing his thoughts to go away, and stares at the couple a couple meters away from him. The woman on the right, carrying a bouquet of flowers, with her head on the man’s shoulders, dressed fashionably in a long-sleeved blouse and a skirt down to her knees. The man on the left, in a long coat, with his arm looped through the woman’s arm, carrying what Jungwon assumes to be the woman’s purse with his free hand, and staring down at the woman as she talks. How cute, Jungwon thinks, Maybe she just finished a project at work and they’re on a date to celebrate it. How wonderful it must be to have someone hang onto your every word like that.
He shakes his head. He wishes he could ignore it, wishes he could pretend his feelings simply don’t exist. To his dismay, however, he can’t stop thinking about how easy it was for them to joke about him, as if the role he plays in the group wasn’t important, was replaceable. If he’s being honest with himself, he couldn’t care less that he wouldn’t be able to attend the group schedule. What hurt the most was how he was brushed off, how he was invalidated the entire time – and how nobody but Jay noticed.
Maybe it was just him. Maybe he’s at fault for recklessly hoping he was treasured as much as he treasured them. Maybe he’s overthinking it all, and that they really just meant it as a joke (it still wasn’t funny to him). Maybe, most of all, he’s wrong for expecting them to know when he’s not himself.
This obviously isn’t helping me get my mind off things, he sighs. He stops walking, closing his eyes to take a deep breath. Opening his eyes, he looks up at the sky, neck craning, searching for the moon. At first, he can’t find it, vision blocked by the dense trees and bright lights of the workers staying late in the corporate buildings nearby. His breath hitches, heart racing. Where’s the moon, his mind sputters, I need the moon.
Finally, after taking a few steps forward and turning his body in the other direction, he finds it. Heaving a sigh of relief, he walks backwards, looking up at the moon the whole time. Call it strange, but he’s always taken comfort in the moon, knowing that at any given time, there would be at least two people looking at the exact same moon from different places on Earth. (the sun doesn’t count, because who looks directly at the sun?) He finds comfort in this fact, grounding him, reminding him that he’s not alone. It’s a staple whenever he goes on a walk, to stare at the moon and think of everybody else looking at it too. In a way, it helps him reflect, sometimes even get over whatever he’s feeling at the moment – maybe, whoever else is looking at the same moon is suffering with worse problems. He’ll be fine. He’s sure he will.
He clears his throat, about to turn back around and bury his feelings, when his eyes tear away from the moon and land on a familiar figure a couple meters away from him.
“Jay hyung?”
The figure stops in his tracks, having been caught, looking around almost to see if he could escape. He sighs, accepting defeat, before stepping languidly over to Jungwon in just a few strides. “Hey, Won.”
“What are you doing here?” Jungwon questions, looking him up and down. Jay looks exactly the same as when he left the elevator, save for his practice bag. Ah, he thinks, he must have gone to drop his bag off before coming down again.
“Nothing, just…” Jay trails off, eyes darting away from Jungwon’s, awkwardly scratching his neck in an attempt to tame its redness. “Was worried about you, s’all.” Jungwon’s heart melts. His eyes soften, pink creeping up his cheeks, “Worried about little ol’ me? I’m not a child, hyung, I’m not going to run away or something.”
Jay dodges the soft jab Jungwon was aiming for his ribs. He laughs, a clear sound twinkling in the night air. “I know, Wonie. Just wanted to make sure you were safe, you looked like you had a lot of thoughts in your head when you left, you know… just wanted to make sure it didn’t distract you too much or you’d end up walking into traffic or something, I don’t know. Just wanted to be safe.”
Jungwon’s cheeks burn impossibly brighter. He looks away, breathing out, feet taking him away from Jay. He doesn’t even need to look over his shoulder to know the older quickly follows behind him. To his surprise, Jay silently lifts the straps of his bag from his shoulders, smoothly removing the bag from his person before slinging it onto his own shoulders. Jungwon stops in his tracks for a second, head quirking up at Jay’s in question.
“I know how heavy you always pack your bag. And you always choose to walk all the way to Han River, so I know your shoulders are aching right now. Let me carry it for a while,” Jay smiles, falling into rhythm beside the younger, tugging him along.
Jungwon blinks. He’s unsure what to say, what to do, in this situation. His mind is a whirlwind of emotions right now, like he just sat down in a roller coaster and didn’t have time to push the safety barrier down before the operator sent him off. “How’d you know I was here?” he finally opens his mouth to ask.
Jay simply looks down at him, like he’s not doing anything extraordinary. “What do you mean? I know you. If you just wanted to go on a walk for fun, you would just walk around the apartment complex, but if you wanted to clear your head, you’d go to the river. I suspected you’d be here, and I didn’t see you around the apartment when I dropped my bag off so it was a safe bet.”
Jungwon’s heart beats faster than he’d ever felt it beat. It’s something about the way Jay dropped that, as if it was so normal. Here he was, wallowing about how he didn’t feel recognised, how he didn’t feel seen – when Jay stormed in, proving him wrong in seconds. He gulps.
“Oh… thanks, by the way,” Jungwon starts. “For this, and for… y’know, standing up for me just now.”
Jay’s eyes soften, reaching his hand out to stretch over Jungwon’s shoulder. “It’s nothing, they went too far and I don’t know how they didn’t realise. I’m sorry they said all that and…” Jay looks down, embarrassed, “Sorry I didn’t realise sooner. I shouldn’t have laughed at all.”
The younger’s eyes widen, rushing to assure the older, “No, no, it’s okay, it’s not your fault at all. Really. I don’t blame you for anything. Not that I blame them, or something, just… it’s, complicated, I guess.”
Jay laughs. “Nothing complicated about it, really, the guys were being asses. I didn’t tell them anything explicitly after they left, in case you felt uncomfortable that I was doing things on your behalf, but I kind of hinted that they should reflect on their behavior. I can just hope they got the hint.”
Jungwon smiles sadly, the type that barely reaches his eyes, before sighing. “I don’t know, I’ll get over it soon, I hope. I know they were wrong about it, but honestly… there’s nothing I can do so there’s really no point in harping over it. Maybe I’ll talk to them, let them know how it made me feel but, I mean, they’re right y’know? They’ll be fine – no, you’ll be fine, without me – you’ve done it before. It wouldn’t be fair of me to ask you to risk planning a performance with me when I might not be able to make it.”
“What?” Jay sputters. “No, they were not right. Well, okay, fine, yes we’ve done it before, but that doesn’t mean we enjoyed it? Maybe it was a joke, but it was a really stupid one, one that I, for one, do not agree with. Admittedly, some of their points make sense, like it might be hard to plan it with you if you won’t be with us, but, c’mon, we’ve done worse, no? Honestly, whatever their intentions may have been, you can’t deny that the delivery was ass. You shouldn’t make excuses for them.”
Jungwon’s eyes gleam with the telltale sheen of tears. He’s so, so glad that he has Jay on his side, and he tells him just that, and if his voice breaks halfway through, Jay doesn’t mention it. He simply brings the younger into a hug, squeezing him as if to transfer comfort over. When they break apart, Jungwon sniffles. Jay ruffles his hair, cupping his cheeks between his hands.
“Listen. Sometimes, they’re just stupid boys who make stupid mistakes. They love you – we love you. You mean so much to the team, and nobody, nobody, can ever replace you, you hear me? We’ll try everything we can for you to perform with us, don’t listen to them. We’ll try, because it matters. We need you. And, if you really can’t perform with us, trust me, your absence will be felt. Hell, I’ll make sure your voice plays as a backtrack! But, with that being said, don’t go worrying your pretty little head about how we’ll do; we’ll work twice as hard to make sure we do well enough with you, but it will never compare – nobody will take your place, okay? They’re just stupid boys who don’t know when jokes go too far. Ignore them.”
Jungwon tries his best not to cry again, he really does, but Jay really just knows where and how to push his buttons.
𓇼
The walk back to the apartment is silent, but comforting. Jay swings their hands together, a spring in his step. Jungwon, now free of tears, smiles, staring where their fingers intertwine. He’s determined, has his mind set to approach the members and communicate his feelings openly. He’s ready, despite however awkward the conversation may be, to express how hurt he felt and why, and all he can do is hope they don’t turn it against him.
Right as they step off the elevator and stand in front of their door, Jungwon turns to the older, stopping him with a tug. “Thank you for being there for me,” he starts, pink dusting his cheeks, “Even when nobody got me, you did.”
All Jay does is smile fondly. “I’ll always get you, Jungwonie.”
“And that’s all that matters,” Jungwon smiles, under his breath, before pushing the door open.