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It was stupid, really. Just an offhand, innocent offer of help with the laundry, and yet that was all Lily needed to explode.
There was no build up, no steadily rising anger. There never is. No, it’s always zero to one hundred, a spark to an inferno, and she has no idea why. Maybe she’s broken. It certainly feels like it.
A pit of guilt churns in his stomach at the memory of Regulus’ face, the frustration and hurt there. He must hate me now, he thinks. I’d hate me, too.
A knock on their bedroom door startles Lily from his spiral and he sniffles, quickly wiping at the tears on his face.
“Lily?” a gentle voice says on the other side. Regulus. Her heart aches.
There’s a shuffle, then a throat clearing. “I’ve put the kettle on.”
Lily’s breath hitches at the care in his voice, and that’s all it takes before she’s ripping open the door. Regulus blinks at the abruptness for just a second before his eyes settle on the form of his upset partner. His face falls slightly at the swollen eyes and tear-stained cheeks, concern brimming in silvery grey eyes. Lily feels more tears welling in her own, and she bites the inside of her cheek to hold back a nasty flood of emotion.
“Are you alright, love?” he asks softly, and it was useless. All at once, the feebly-built dam breaks open with a sob.
“I’m sorry,” Lily chokes out, hands trembling.
“Darling.” Regulus reaches out to steady his hands, slender fingers cradling his own gently, delicately. Tenderly. He shutters, his chest aching.
“I don’t know why I got so angry,” Lily stutters through tears. “I don’t—I’m sorry. I love you. I’m so sorry.”
“Love.” A hand comes up to cup her cheek. She nearly flinches at the contact. It’s too soft, too loving, too much. More than she deserves.
“I ruin everything.” His voice is a near-whisper, thick with tears and tension. “I’m sorry I do that, I don’t know why I do that.”
“Lily,” he cuts her off with a firm voice, and this time she really does flinch. She’d been expecting this, of course. The anger, the disgust, the disappointment. Any negative emotion, really. After all, Lily is a fire. It was only a matter of time before Regulus got sick of being burned. She just… didn’t expect it to hurt this much. Not now, not yet.
“Lily,” he says again, voice softer now. “Look at me.”
Lily sniffles as he meets his boyfriend’s eyes, which are gentle and full of love.
“I don’t care that you got angry,” Regulus says, running his thumb along his partner’s cheekbone. “And I don’t care that you needed space. The only thing I care about is the fact that you yelled at me, but I also know you didn’t mean to. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
Lily leans into his touch, sighing shakily. “I don’t know why I got so mad, and I’m so sorry I took it out on you.”
“I know, darling. It’s okay.”
“It’s not, though. Sometimes, it’s like a switch flips, and all of this rage that’s just…” He gestures vaguely in the air. “Simmering inside of me, all of the time, suddenly comes to a boil. I hate it.”
Regulus knows all of this already, to some extent. He’s been dating Lily for over a year, after all, and they’ve been friends for even longer. He’s seen her struggle with this more times than either of them can count, and yet he still wants to be with her. Lily has a hard time understanding why.
The hand on her cheek migrates to her hair, fingers running through the short locks of auburn. Lily sighs again. “I wish I wasn’t like this.”
“But you are.” It’s not said unkindly, but it still hurts just a bit. Regulus’ honesty can be brutal sometimes, but that is part of why Lily appreciates it so much. He is willing to cut the bullshit when no one else is.
“I know, I just—” Wish I was better for you. Wish I was better than this. “—Wish I was better at being in control of my own emotions.”
“You’re not gonna like this, but you could always try seeing a Mind Healer.”
He almost groans. They’ve had this conversation before, but Lily’s always shut it down. He doesn’t need a Mind Healer, his childhood was perfectly normal—the standard suburban Muggle family. Sure, his mother was a bit overbearing sometimes and his father a bit too lax, and there’s all the baggage with his sister, but nothing even close to what Regulus went through. No, Mind Healing is for people with real problems, not people like Lily.
But, Lily considers, perhaps it could be.
“I don’t know,” she mutters. “Maybe.”
Regulus’ fingers pause in their movements. “Maybe?”
“Maybe,” she confirms as she pulls back, wiping at the drying tears on her cheeks. “I’m just so tired of this. I’ll still feel stupid, like I don’t belong in a Mind Healer’s office, but I’ve tried everything else I can think of.”
“You’re not stupid for wanting help.”
“No, but I’ll feel stupid for needing it.”
“Just because you haven’t been through a major trauma doesn’t mean you have to be this perfect, undamaged person. You are allowed to not be okay, you know.”
“I know.” He smiles tiredly, reaching out to tangle their fingers together once more. “It’ll just take me a minute to believe it.”
Regulus squeezes her hand. “Well, I’ll be with you when you do.”