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Ally tosses the pebble in the lake. It only manages to skip once before vanishing in the water.
She groans, “If only there was a water skipping simulator…”
Aiden steps in to take another pebble from their little pile. He prepares to throw it in, but she gently holds his wrist down to stop him.
She instructs, “You can’t do it with a lot of force. It’ll just sink.”
“‘Kay…” Aiden takes the advice. Once she lets go, he gently tosses the pebble.
It skips twice, then sinks.
“There you go!” Ally cheers, clapping for him.
Aiden laughs a bit. “Yeah, you were right. This is calming. I don’t even remember what I was angry about.”
“Well, I don’t have a console, so a practical game will have to do.” Ally sighs, taking a seat on the beach sand. Some crickets are sounding in the night. “I’ve always been a virtual girl though, since the Wii. If I had it here, I’d gladly boot up Wii Sports for us.”
Aiden picks up another pebble to skip. He asks, “So does that mean you’re with us, or…?”
“Oh absolutely.” Ally insists. “I’d rather lose this shit show than consider working with anyone else left here.”
Aiden tosses the pebble. He only gets one skip. “And Tom?”
“He’s fine.” Ally shrugs. “Feel bad for him though.”
They hear an echo. An echo of Yul’s scream. And then Gabby laughing hysterically. Both Ally and Aiden roll their eyes.
The villains are at camp not too far from here, celebrating their victory of taking the majority by the campfire. Gabby stomped on Yul’s toes too hard and she has no remorse.
“The fuck girl?!” Yul whines. “That’s my bad foot! Why is it always this foot?!”
Riya, who is dancing with Alec, joins in on the laughter. “You sweetie, are fitting right in!”
“Really?” Gabby gives a fat grin. “Can we cackle at the moon together?”
“We don’t do that here.” Riya’s smile drops. “I’m a bit more… sophisticated.”
“Oh right! Sophisticated! Hmph!” Gabby, in a mocking tone, does a hair flip, clearly impersonating Riya.
“You know, that’s actually a pretty good impression.” Alec smirks.
Riya elbow jabs him. “I don’t sound like that!”
“Serious question though real quick, sorry if it’s a mood killer,” Grett speaks up from her log seat, putting down the stick she’s been picking at. “But once we get rid of the other four, what then?”
Riya answers, “Out of good respect, Yul first.”
“What?!”
“And then the rest of us shake hands and duke it out. Best girl wins.”
“Girl?” Alec raises an eyebrow.
“And you, obviously. But I’m gonna win no matter what.”
“Oh sure Bollywood Star,” Grett snarks. “You know, you’re kinda lucky Yul and I put up with you.”
“Very!” Yul sneers.
“You’re lucky I put up with your sorry excuse for a boyfriend.” Riya is unimpressed by the roast. “Anyway, let’s go back to celebrating! The game is ours!”
“Yay!!” The girls in the group cheer. Alec is more of the smile and wave type, and Yul is just being himself. Their party continues with Riya taking Alec’s hand so he can spin her around, both of them laughing. Gabby goes back to dancing wildly and laughing. Yul and Grett stay seated in each other’s arms.
Their party is a bit loud, which is an unfortunate looming reminder of their failure. They lost their only chance of getting back at them. Ashley’s gone. Now they’re just sitting ducks waiting to see who will be next.
Ally and Aiden went to the beach to get away from them, waiting till they all got worn out and went to sleep before they would sleep too. Tom is out getting something to eat for the three. And Jake… no one knows where he is, and no one cares.
“Not that it matters whether or not we’re allies now, but I’m glad you’re spending time with me.” Ally confesses to Aiden as she hugs her knees.
“I just needed to get away.” Aiden admits.
That’s when Tom comes out from the bushes, holding a rabbit in his arms.
“I caught one thing for us at least.” He greets. The two turn around, and Ally’s face turns to a frown.
“How did you catch that without a carrot?” Aiden says, impressed. “You’re actually a beast.”
“Uh, carrots actually give rabbits diabetes, I used dandelions.” Tom answers. “Snuck up from behind em.”
“Of course you did.” Ally groans, rolling her eyes.
Tom raises an eyebrow. “You don’t like it?”
“I don’t want to kill a bunny! I don’t care how hungry I am.” Ally exclaims. “Look, I’ve been getting fruits and fish for days that nobody on my team wants, so trust me, there’s better options.”
“Better option than meat?” Tom isn’t convinced.
All Ally can do is beg sternly. “Please don’t. Let it go.”
Tom sighs, letting the rabbit go. It immediately hops away to the other side of camp.
“What are we doing here?” Tom asks, approaching them more.
“Anger management.” Aiden chimes, throwing a pebble in the water.
It sinks immediately.
“…that was a bad one.”
“Yeah…” All Tom can do is sigh. “I think we’re cooked. I mean it was nice knowing you two.”
“This is the first time we’ve ever talked.” Ally points out.
“Well, still.”
Aiden, with a growl, throws another pebble into the lake.
“At this point you’re just sinking all of these.” Ally adds.
“It’s stupid!” Aiden kicks the sand and snarls. “It can’t just be over! We have to find an idol of something!”
“Did they announce an idol was in play?” Tom asks.
“W-well…”
“No. That would be lucky. But you don’t win a game by luck. Not a good strat.” Ally says.
“Okay, well, how about we convince one of the villains to flip?” Tom suggests.
“How? Gabby wants to kill us!” Aiden exasperates. “And I’m not going to even look Riya in the eye.”
“Gabby’s on your team.” Ally insists. “I mean I’m not on the loop, but surely you can convince her.”
“Gabby’s a good girl.” Tom assures her. “She’s just… manic. And to be fair, we did hurt her.”
“Ugh, forget it.” Aiden grumbles. He sits down in the sand as well and puts a hand on his chin to pout. “Even if we do, it’s four on five. It won’t work.”
“Okay, well… uh…” Tom tries to think of something else. There’s only one thing that he can think of. “There’s still Jake.”
Both Ally and Aiden give Tom a stern, offended look.
“NO.”
“Okay, no but hear me out-“
“Tom.”
“He’s all we got-“
“No!”
“A-and we can even the numbers-“
“No!”
“And then we might have a chance!”
“Absolutely not!” Aiden snaps. “Do you hear yourself?!”
Tom backs up a bit. “Uh… yes?”
Aiden face palms. “Not literally!”
“The villains are awful, but for my money, Jake is worse. I’d rather work with them than him.” Ally confesses.
“Come on, that’s a low blow, Yul and Riya are there.” Tom tried to insist.
“No. I believe her.” Aiden backs up the gamer. “I was shot off a tree where I could’ve gotten seriously hurt. He’s done nothing but bully me all game over nothing! And if that’s how bad I got it, then Ally, you have all my sympathy.”
“Hoho, you have no idea.” Ally chimes in with a smile. “He’s the worst! He’s so whiny twenty four seven, and shows absolutely no respect towards what I try to do for us. I’ve actually been decently fed cause he’s not eating anything I get for the team.”
Tom stays silent. He’s not exactly sure what to say about the ranting about their hatred towards the blue head. With everything that’s happened, he should probably be with them.
That boy surely does not know how to keep a cool head. Or know deceit when he sees it. Or lashing out at others.
But also… why wouldn’t he be? It’s all because of one person who caused what might be permanent damage.
That anxiety has bubbled in him since the musical. It hasn’t gone away and it’s making him feel sick. Nauseous, even.
The two seem to be laughing and bonding at the hate though. But Tom just has to ruin it by speaking up. “Hey… I mean… he has his reasons.”
The two’s laughter die. All Ally can say is, “…and?”
“Tom, I say this as a friend, but you have better folks in me and Ally now. He’s not worth it.” Aiden assures him. “And I mean platonic. Just in case Jake is somehow in hearing range and is gonna be pissed off. I need to spell that out apparently.”
Tom snickers a bit and holds his arm. Though he’s looking over his shoulder. It’s not made him feel that much better. Honestly? It might have made him feel worse.
“So it’s true? That wasn’t just for the camera?” Ally asks.
Aiden turns his head to her in concern. “Ally-“
“He doesn’t have to answer.” Ally interrupts him. Then she puts her attention back to Tom. “You were his lover?”
Tom fidgets in place. He doesn’t know what to say to that. Maybe she is being intrusive, but in her defense they’re on TV. “I-I… yes. It was real… and I ruined it…”
“No you didn’t.” Ally replies. “He did.”
“I haven’t talked to him since our season. It’s… it was personal. And the interviews Ellie did? Yeah, they struck some things in me. The comments about how horrible we both are and how toxic we are and-and about my face… we’re-“
“An insensitive couple with no hope to their hearts, they might as well carry red flags on their backs.” Ally finishes the sentence for him.
He looks over in a bit of surprise. “Yeah…”
“You know when you say them out loud, you realize just how wrong they are.” Ally admits with a bit of a sad smile. “Hunter may be a ditz, and Tess carries long distance challenges, but we both know that at the end of the day, we love each other… I think the problem wasn’t even them, it was me. How do you love yourself again?”
“It’s actually kind of easier when you’re assured.” Aiden admits with a shrug. “But I get it.”
“But do you want my opinion on the matter, Tom? And this is coming from an outsider.” Ally asks.
“…sure?” Tom doesn’t not want it, per se. He’s indifferent.
“You did the right thing. And I’m very sorry you had to go through that, really. You’re in your right to want to live a healthy life, and if that means ditching those toxic people that caused you pain and grief, so be it. You have to look out for you first. Hasn’t your life been so much better without him?”
Tom doesn’t answer. Has it? Sure he’s got the cop job, but…
His vision comes a bit blurry and his head is dizzy. He’s really, really not feeling good now.
“I know it’s hard to understand now, so I get it,” Aiden adds on. “But you’re gonna find some people who will never change no matter how sweet they may seem. If they want to be better, then it’s worth it. I know. But Jake does not.”
“I…” Tom’s getting really pale now. “I abandoned him…”
“You did the right thing. It’s all okay.” Ally comforts, trying to stand up. “If we’re lucky, he’ll be gone. You’ll never see him again.”
How she said it was as though that’s a good thing. But to Tom? That did it.
“I-I-I’m gonna… sorry…” Tom can’t even speak, he just has to run off to find somewhere to puke.
The other two watch the big guy run off. Then, unsure how to react, they look at each other.
“I had to put up with him.” Aiden points out.
Tom retreats to a far part of the woods, making sure the sounds of the villains laughter is gone. At least this way he doesn’t have to have anyone see him.
He falls to his knees by a nearby bush, and the bile in his throat escapes his mouth. With his head spinning, all he can do is wait till his body is done puking up what little he has in his stomach.
By the time he’s done, he falls to the ground and lays there to breathe. Even with nothing to stir up his insides, he still feels crippled. He knows it’s anxiety too. Strangely, when you’re out here in the middle of nowhere, you find it easier to ignore hunger.
His view is the stars. It’s a clear night tonight, which in this occasion, feels like a sick joke.
He’s not good with constellations, so he mindlessly traces his finger over the stars to connect the dots. Making a crack.
He sighs and puts his hand over his heart as he feels it break. Just like it did many times before. He doesn’t know if he has a heart anymore. If he somehow still does, why?
They blame Jake. But he knows the real root of everyone’s situations going to hell.
After all, if he hadn’t been such a revolting coward… maybe Jake wouldn’t have lashed out the way he did.
The past two years blended together for him, only being able to not fall to a bad depression due to the new physically taxing job. Just going by life, doing the business he was given, living with the mirror that is the people around him unable to look at him. The hate comments from the show didn’t help either. From Ellie or from anyone else. Highlighting everything wrong with him, and them. “They weren’t meant to be.” “They’re better off without each other.” “Their separation was well deserved.”
Tom wouldn’t let that get to him. He believed all this even before these comments came.
Dammit, why didn’t he just suck it up and answer?! Why not even once?!
Not even when the poor boy was crying and begging through the messages…
“Tom, please answer. I need you. Please, please just answer. I’m sorry. I just want to hear from you… do you really hate me that much?”
Because he’s Tom. He’s always going to fail. He’s not good enough for anything or anyone. Everyone loathes him, even Jake, and he deserves it.
Tom gets up, ready to walk back to the beach and forget all.
…where was the way back again? He didn’t pay attention. And it’s dark.
In a groan, Tom’s left walking aimlessly, squinting his eyes to try and see in the dark-
“OW!!”
Tom’s foot stomps on something that isn’t ground, and a scream pursues. His head jolts down and he jumps out of the way. “Ah! I-I’m sorry, I…”
That’s when he notices what he stepped on. A blue haired boy in a pink jacket resting in a dry mud pit, now gripping his groin in pain.
“A-are you oka-“
He cuts him off, not noticing him yet. “I lose my friend and I lose my kiwis… this is not my night…”
Then he looks up. His pained expression becomes irritated. “You again?!”
“I-I swear I wasn’t looking for you or anything, I was just…” Tom is trying to explain himself, but then during his fumbles, he realizes a major question he has. “Are you sleeping in mud?”
“And I was catching Zs.” Jake answers bluntly.
“Why are you sleeping in mud though? There’s a tent.”
“Why not?”
“But why?”
“Why not?”
“That’s gotta be uncomfortable. Not that the tent is any better, but-“
“It’s actually fine.” Jake says. He turns his body over to lay on his stomach. His body is covered in quite a bit of dirt, with no care in the world to it. “You know, if you’re not phobic about dirt.”
“Okay…” Tom doesn’t really believe him. But sure. “You don’t want to go sleep in the tent though?”
“Nah. I think I’ll just live here, actually.” Jake says non challantly. “Been thinking about it. This spot isn’t too much different from my team’s camp. There’s another spot of the pond that connects nearby. I think I’ll be alright.”
He has a basket of sorts nearby his body, and he grabs it. He ignores the view of Tom and flips back on his back to look at the starts, one hand on his head. He pulls out an apple from the basket and takes a bite. “And I can get food, so yeah. I think I’ll be fine.”
“Where’d you even get that?” Tom asks.
“Huh?” He finally acknowledges Tom’s presence and looks at him. “Where else? Team camp. The food wasn’t an award. So of course it’s still there.”
Then Tom realizes. “Those are Ally’s… she told me you weren’t eating.”
“In front of her face.” Jake jabs. “What else did she tell you? About how bitchy I was for having no appetite at the exact time she wanted? I have to give her some credit, even if it doesn’t matter to her now, she did work hard to get these for us. Didn’t have to. Course, after nearly dying in space, I would come back about to pass out from a lack of sustenance in my body. So I helped myself with what was left, which was a lot. And Ally was not happy about that. ‘Oh, so now you’re hungry? So now you care?’ Like shut up lady, do you want me dead?”
Tom has next to nothing to say about that. From Jake’s tone, he definitely has an attitude problem right now. Not that he blames him after what happened.
He didn’t know what went on between him and Ashley, but something tells him that cowgirl meant a lot to him. So for her to be taken away…
“What are you still doing here?” Jake asks, snapping Tom out of his thoughts. “Go back to your new friends and talk behind my back about how insufferable I am.”
“U-uh-“
“Yeah I’m not stupid.”
Tom doesn’t move.
“Go on. Shoo.” He wafts his hand away. He turns to his side, facing away from Tom.
Tom still doesn’t move. He points out, “You know there’s wolves out here, right? And bears? And that lion… I-I can’t just leave you here when something can kill you.”
“Why not? You’ll have a ghost, finally.” Yeah, those were poor choice of words. He’s more irritated now.
Tom shivers and hugs himself. He felt that to his core. “Jake, I-“
“What, Tom? What do you want from me? I thought it was nothing!” Jake snaps, still not looking at him.
Part of Tom wants to run away, because he knows this will get ugly quick. And usually, he would. It’s all he’s ever done.
But this time, he just can’t. His feet are stuck in place. Maybe it’s the mud.
“Jake…” He reaches out to Jake, but holds back when he sees Jake curl up more. Instead he decides to kneel next to him. “You don’t understand…”
“I know I don’t.” Jake answers. “Your boyfriend doesn’t exist. You’re not dating Aiden. Aiden didn’t do anything wrong but shoot me in the heart. Yeah I don’t understand at all.”
He got it at this point. That’s pure sarcasm.
Tom is about to speak, but Jake cuts him off. “I’m not mad by the way, if that’s what you’re wondering. I get it. I fucked up. I know.”
He’s talking about voting for him. Turning on him. Admittedly, Tom feels incredibly guilty about it.
“Jake, I didn’t want to do that. I was cornered. What was throwing a vote gonna do?” Tom explains.
Jake’s playing with the bit apple in his hand. He hums. “Wow. Most clean you’ve been all game.”
Jake looks up, back at Tom stating there. His own heart aches.
The man is still as wonderful as he can be. All of the imperfections on his face and more. He has this aura about him. It’s soothing. It’s shrouded with intrigue. The man’s heart is visible. Too good. Too sweet with how it beats.
Gosh, he fell head over heels for him. If he could, he would rest his head right in his pecks and just stay there forever.
But he doesn’t deserve him. End of story. He hates him. And there’s no blame to be had.
Because he’s Jake. He’s always going to fail. He’s not good enough for anything or anyone. Everyone loathes him, even Tom, and he deserves it.
“You know, I…” Jake at the very least has to explain it. The desolation is creeping up as an aura around him that’s despair-inducing. “…I wanted an explanation from you. Why you… you lied to me… but upon inspection, I realized it now. I know why you did what you did.”
“You… you do?”
Jake slowly sits up and faces Tom, a tight grip on the apple and a shaky smile on his face.
“You hate me. Because I ruined your life. And your life is way better off without me.” Jake says, shakiness in his voice. “I was inconsiderate. Impulsive. Condescending. Arrogant. Petty. Untrustworthy. And insecure. I ruined your job. And your image. I made you trust in someone who did nothing but live in a fantasy. And it hurt you beyond repair. You felt the need to make me feel better when you said you wanted us to be better, but you knew I couldn’t be, so you were always intending to leave me behind now that you found a good job. Cause you were angry. At me. And I get it.”
Tom doesn’t say anything. Jake keeps going with his smile dropped and his anger out, even if it’s clear he’s fighting back the urge to cry.
“And you know what? You were right to do so! You said the reason was you were scared both of us would get hurt again… and I only proved you right because I’m me! I will always be me! Hateable me! I’ll only ever hurt! That’s what I’m good at. I hurt Aiden, I hurt Ally, I ruined Ashley’s shot at saving her farm, and fuck Ellie but add her to that too, I busted her ego! That was all my doing! And all for what? So I could just fulfill my secret agenda to make everyone on the goddamn planet hate me?! Apologizing works like shit. Talking works like shit. It’s a fine enough indication: Jacob Hamilton is a bastard! An irredeemable one at that! He will never ever be a better person! Why should any of us ever put up with him?!”
He laughs at himself, tears making his eyes glassy. “I should have seen it before… sorry I didn’t and kept annoying the hell out of you.”
Part of Tom wants to snap back, because he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. But another part was intrigued.
This is… this is what Jake thinks of himself? All this time?
“Can I speak?” He asks, pulling his knees closer.
Jake turns his head to him. “Shit on me. Please.”
“I’m not doing that.” Tom replies bluntly. He takes a breath, trying to keep it together. He’s not sure how to approach this. Especially not after what he’s done. “I can’t.”
“You can’t stand me.” Jake jumps to that conclusion. His breathing is getting worse. “I know you’re a liar. But come on. Why are you beginning to regret everything now? After two damn years?! Huh?! I waited that long like a moron, hopeful over something so hopeless. I wasted my life waiting for someone who didn’t want me!”
“No! No, Jake, it’s not like that-“ Tom stammers to explain himself, his hands in the air. “I’m the one who-I’m sorry, I-I was so scared and stupid but-“
“But what, Tom?! What?!” Jake jumps up to his feet, making himself seem taller than the kneeled man at the moment. He’s chucks the apple right at Tom’s chest in a fit of rage. The apple bounces off his body, doing nothing. “You don’t know how that made me feel! You don’t care! I know I’m worthless… but I’m delusional! I had that said that to my face! I tried to be better! I really, really did! I failed, but I did… I wanted to be so much better for you… all for you… but you saw right through that I guess. I was just some trash you could throw to the wind to pollute the earth… and now what? You want to pick me up again? To set me on fire?!”
“That’s not it.” Tom tries to say, his head spinning from getting overwhelmed. “It’s not that simple-“
“You want to be honest now? Felt guilty? Just tell me the truth!” Jake snaps, pointing harshly at Tom’s chest. “Tell me you hate me Tom! Say it! Say you hate me-!!”
“I DON’T HATE YOU, I LOVE YOU!!”
Jake stops, his finger down. His dark eyes are widened, showing the glassiness in them. His broken heart was hurting so much he thought it would tear and kill him.
But now that it’s out, Tom has no choice but to run with it. His own heart hurting. “I never stopped… god, don’t you realize how much worth you have compared to me? I saw the worst in you, and even that wasn’t enough… I was a disgusting coward who couldn’t suck up pain. And that’s no excuse, cause that’s all I’ve done and been doing my entire life. It’s a me problem.”
“I-I’m just… I’m sorry. Jake, this isn’t your fault. It’s mine. I know it doesn’t mean anything now, but I mean it. I regret all of it. I’m so, so sorry…” Tom himself is barely keeping it together. He slowly stands up, still hugging himself.
Tom is a much bigger figure than Jake is, so it quickly drowns out Jake’s own size and power. Jake shivers and hugs himself, gasping hard.
“I don’t want your apology…” Is all Jake can get out. His voice is drowning, so it only comes out as a croak.
Tom watches as Jake finally breaks and falls to his knees. Hot streams of tears pour out of the boy’s eyes. He balls up and covers his face, letting all his sobs echo the forest around them.
Tom reaches out, but he scotches away. At once, it really hit Tom just how bad it is. Two years of nothing. Blaming yourself. And now all alone. Completely, utterly, alone.
No supportive family. No grandmother. No friends. And no one to turn to.
What had Tom done?
“…what have I done…?” Is all Tom can get out. He’s stiff. Unable to take the heartbreak in front of him.
Jake sniffles, wiping away one of his eyes. It’s a futile effort to stop the tears. “What you had to…” he croaks.
“No.” Tom shakes his head. “I never meant to ruin things like this. I never thought that it would get this bad… and now I can’t even figure out what to say or do other than be sorry. But… there’s nothing I can say now. I know. I screw things up like I always do…”
Jake wipes another eye, listening. He manages to breathe out, “Tom…”
“I never thought I could do anything right.” Tom explains somberly. “I never succeeded at anything in my life… I just got by. Running away. Lying. Running away again. No one to help me. I would be cut apart, burned, bruised, maimed, and I just had to deal with it. Some cold calculating spy and another body to throw at the bosses’ line of fire. With a body nobody could find anything besides horrific… And then you came in. You lit up my life. In just the first days we knew each other in camp, they were some of the best and brightest moments of my life. Even when we fought? It was more light than anything I had ever gotten in my entire life. I was so, so happy around you. More happy than I can describe. I never had a relationship like this before. Let alone having kissed anyone before. To have someone not run away at the sight of me… somehow there was a good part of me you saw. Of me. Of the fuck up who can’t hold a job, who can’t do anything right, who can’t be honest, who can’t be strong, who… who can’t even look in the mirror and see anything worth praising…”
Jake is listening closely, not taking his eyes off. Suddenly Tom’s eyes have gotten a lot more blue than usual.
“That’s not an excuse for anything. I know there’s no excuse. Nothing I can do can explain it either… we were something I didn’t deserve. I got every call, every message… and all I could do was stare at the phone. I was so-so scared that I would hurt you… and I hurt you anyway… so-so I didn’t do anything. I just went through life trying not to make any more mistakes. Then when I cornered, I just… I just relapsed. All I’ve ever done in my life is lie. Run away. So how do I confront any of this? The answer? It’s already too late.”
Jake is silent, his tear streaks staining his face from their dryness. Of course he knew of Tom’s life. He’s a ditz, but he’s filled with so much empathy that can’t be shown in his environment. The hand in life he’s been dealt with. Jake just blindly assumed Tom’s life was getting better just because he had a new job and was more open now. But it’s clear that no. He’s not.
“Tom, I…” He doesn’t know what to say. “I just thought, I-I don’t know how… why me?”
“All this time…” Tom is also stammering. “I just… I think I just…”
“I hate myself more than I love you.”
Both of them say that at the same time. And all of a sudden, it’s like all barriers are shattered.
There it is.
Both of them stay silent for a good minute, unsure what to say.
Jake shivers, still weak from crying. “You realize I saw none of that? How beautiful you really are? You don’t…”
“I still don’t know what you’re talking about.” Tom admits. “Jake, everyone may hate you, and I see where they’re coming from, but you’re not some heinous villain. I just don’t see it. You’re… you’re hurt…”
“Yeah, well, I’ve been hurt.” Jake rolls his eyes. Then lays back on the sass. “But I guess you were too…”
A gust of wind acts as some noise in the area. The trees are blustering in the darkness.
Tom slowly sits down in the mud with Jake. Both of them find themselves lying down in the mud, staring into the moonlight. Both of them are in silence for several good minutes. Honestly, either could fall asleep right there. The two of them were exhausted.
In the sounds of the wind, Jake’s tired brain could mistake that for the sound of zombies snarling in the distance.
“Hey Tom?” He asks.
“Yeah?”
“Remember when we were alone together? In that zombie apocalypse?”
Tom answers, “You mean after we buried Miriam? And we moved north?”
“Yeah…” Their camp was raided by Fiore and Grett, and Alec who Tom killed out of self defense. They were enemies, and they knew where their camp was. And they had succeeded in shooting Miriam in the chest with an arrow before retreating with most of their hard earned supplies. They couldn’t save her…
After they buried her, Tom and Jake packed up what they could and moved north, hoping to get as far away from their enemies as they could. If they didn’t, they’d be next.
“All we had was each other…” Jake remembers aloud. “Just you and me. Refusing to let what happened to Miriam and Ellie happen to us. That’s what I said. I was terrified of losing you, it became a waking nightmare you had to wake me up from.”
“Got to the point where you slipped me your food behind my back.” Tom adds sadly. One of the downsides of their new camping spot was less options for food. None of the plant life carried any produce, and most of the fish were infected with the zombie plague and not safe to eat. They had to resort to eating worms, and whatever small pillage they could raid, which were rare. But knowing how bad it was getting, Jake would slip some of his half of the food to Tom and lie about it. He valued Tom’s life more than his, and he needed the strength more than he did. But that did result in himself starving. “It still hurts remembering you too weak to step out of mud…”
“But even when I was sacrificing myself… even when I was stuck there, fainted in that mud pit, with a hoard of zombies in hearing range, you didn’t abandon me. You stayed. You tried to help me. I was begging you to leave me behind, and-and you were crying…”
“I’m not leaving you.” Tom recalls. Sadly. He said that. He promised that. “There were so many… I thought I was a goner cause I didn’t have enough to fight them all… but I did anyway. I wanted to keep you safe.” Tom valued Jake’s life more than his own. He put himself in the front line of danger. Willingly. So many times even before this.
“And when we got back, we were yelling at each other how much of idiots we were, trying to sacrifice ourselves for each other…” At this point, Jake is shifting his body closer to Tom, gently wrapping an arm around him. In response, Tom hoists Jake to his lap, holding him close. Jake’s head is buried in Tom’s chest, an arm gently placed on it. “And the moon was in this phase… and you were holding me like this…”
Tom digs his hand in Jake’s hair, messing up his ponytail. For the brief moment, he just wants to recall the memory. “I was so scared… and I promised… we would protect ourselves as much as we were protecting each other. We both promised that.”
Both of their breaths hitch.
Jake adds with a sigh, “And we both broke that promise.”
“Yeah. Yeah we did.” Tom agrees sadly. He takes a deep breath and buries his face in Jake’s head of hair. He tightens his grip on his body as though the boy is going to disappear.
Jake hugs Tom desperately. His heart is beating out of his chest.
Two years he waited to be held like this again. And he doesn’t deserve it.
“I need you…” Jakes voice is like a mouse, crying again. “I know it’s selfish… just don’t leave me right now… please…”
Tom squeezes Jake so he can’t leave, hands rubbing his body. Jake fully welcomes the hug, simply wanting to be held again.
Quietly, he admits, “I wish I could see myself the way you see me… I’m not worth loving.”
“You and me both.” Tom admits. “I’m so sorry… for both of us…”
The two stay like this for a good few minutes, silently embracing the, well, embrace. Both of them have been waiting for this for so long.
Eventually however, they have to part. Neither speak of their talk nor their embrace. Tom gets up and Jake goes back to laying in the mud.
Tom asks, “You sure you don’t want to go back?”
“I’m sure. They hate me anyway. And I deserve it.” Jake says. “Nothing I can do, so my best shot is to just get my strength back to avenge Ashley. Even if I’m gonna fail.”
Tom nods. “I hear you. Well…” He turns around to walk away, but he holds back. “…goodbye, Jake.”
“Bye.” Jake replies.
He watches Tom walk away, their meeting not to be spoken of again.
Jake is back to laying in the mud trying to fall asleep.
Alone. Loathed. Questioning how to love himself.
By the time Tom gets back to camp, the villains are all already asleep. Aiden sneaks up from behind him to touch his shoulder. He jumps at the shock.
“Sorry sorry!” Aiden tries to stay in a whisper tone to not wake up anyone else. “Where’ve you been? I was ready to look for you.”
“I uh… I was trying to find wild game.” Tom lies. He’s good at that at least. “Nothing, unfortunately.”
“Oh well, we can try again tomorrow.” Aiden decides, already walking to the tent. “Come on, let’s get some sleep. If we can.”
You thought sleeping with six people was bad? Try ten. At least it’s eight now…
Not a single person asked where Jake was. No one’s looking for him. No one cares.
Tom can’t help but feel like he should be sleeping in mud instead, but he tries to swallow his thoughts.
Tom lays in his spot in the tent trying to fall asleep, and questioning how to love himself.
Gosh, so this is what it feels like to be in loathing…