Chapter Text
It would be nice if Baek Kyung was allowed to live without complications.
If his father could just love him instead of treating him like a sad leftover of his mother and if he could stop using him for his own game like some thoughtless doll. If the smell of antiseptic didn’t make him feel nauseous and the sight of a hospital corridor didn’t cause his throat to constrict painfully. If he wasn’t trapped in a comic where the line between reality and fiction is a blurry tripwire that shakes with every tiny disturbance. If the girl he loved would simply love him back.
If Baek Kyung would simply love Eun Danoh. Which he does. But.
But Kyung is never in control of his own life. Between his father and the writer, what is he to decide? Not his future and especially not his own feelings, that is for sure. No one has control over that at least, but especially not himself.
There’s a hand that closes around his wrist, forcing him to look into eyes that magnetise him. They draw him into their glass-lake surface, shining warm and chocolate within. He wants to follow wherever that hand pulls him. There’s not even a protest on his sharp tongue as he stares like a fool into a face so open it feels wrong.
However, then that still-water gaze is flashing cold and hard, the look reserved for him , and Eun Danoh’s name is falling from those lips, poised and jabbed like a pointed spear. It hits Baek Kyung directly in the centre of his chest, making him hate the girl just for those few split seconds.
Guilt douses him instantly like a bucket of water then, leaving him chilled and miserable. He doesn’t actually hate Eun Danoh, and he thinks that he never really did. The poisonous hatred that has been living inside him for so long, for his father which had then automatically bled over to Eun Danoh, belongs to the Baek Kyung that the writer created, not him. The moment he became self-aware, the weight of that hatred had felt so confusing to him. He had never understood really why Danoh insisted on there being such a difference between the scene-her and the shadow-her until he had realised how much he really loved her and then none of that hate made sense.
Which he’s been trying to prove recently, to her and to him, that he doesn’t hate her and that this version of him is the better one. It has to be.
So why does this boy make it seem like a bad thing? Just with a look, Haru makes him want to abandon everything he’s worked hard to earn back and ruin any chance he has of regaining Danoh’s trust.
It lodges itself inside him, this conflict. It makes him doubly weak. A bubbly laugh, a flick of hair, and a happy little skip and he melts. A steady gaze, a quiet smile and those hands touching him, even hatefully, and he melts just as readily.
It happens again before he realises it, Haru’s fist an iron grip on his wrist, supposedly a wall between him and Danoh, but Kyung doesn’t care because he’s softening inside, anger dimming as warmth spreads through him at the contact. He likes to think he keeps it fairly well contained but something flickers in Haru’s glare, something like confusion, and Kyung rips his hand back and says something harsh just to distract him. It works. But the fact that Haru had picked up on something leaves him feeling perturbed. He’d forgotten how perceptive the boy is.
He’ll have to be careful. Kyung knows it’s not healthy the way two people have his heart in a tug-a-war limbo with no idea how it will end. In heartbreak, most likely. For him.
He is forced to live it everyday. They are everywhere. Hand in hand and smiling like fools, with moons in their eyes and stars in their laughter. There’s something sparkly about them, something that is beyond explanation. When they are together, they light up. When Baek Kyung is near either, they dim. It is a fact of his life and even if it kills him inside two times over, it is something he has no choice but to accept. He knows them well, by this point.
Eun Danoh has a will of iron and enough fire in her that she refuses to accept anything less than exactly what she wants. Which is Haru. Not Baek Kyung.
Haru is harder to read but he’s already proved time and time again that he is completely devoted to Danoh and doesn’t bother with anyone else because she is obviously his world and that’s that.
It just doesn’t work. Wouldn’t work anyway. It would be wishful thinking to think he could have either of them. None of them would be happy that way. He knows that, and he’s tired of trying to force himself in where he’s not wanted. Once upon a time, he’d been determined to do what he pleased and take what he wanted. Once upon a time, he’d learnt the consequences of such action. It only helps push people even further away. The harder he clings to them, the faster they leave.
Which leads him to his current situation, hiding away into the shadow and waiting for it all to be over now.
Maybe they all are, in a way. Haru, Danoh, Dohwa, Jinmichae, Junhyun and whoever else is self aware. After all they’ve been through with the writer, they’re exhausted and tolerating each other.
It’s a testament to that when one day, Eun Danoh turns to him and remarks, “You know, you’re not so bad. The real you. I acknowledge that.”
It’s just after a scene and Haru is nowhere in sight so apparently the girl has chosen to linger and effectively knock him off his metaphorical feet. It’s more effective than a punch and it leaves him reeling in more ways than one.
“Thanks,” he chokes out but it comes out sounding sarcastic and he inwardly winces. Danoh just rolls her eyes.
“Yeah, just because I said that doesn’t mean it means anything.” She pauses and looks down at her watch absently. “But I’ve thought over things a lot and I realise there was a lot I didn’t try to understand about you before. Which doesn’t excuse anything you did, of course. But if I’m allowed to be free of my character, then you are too. That’s all.”
As Kyung processes her words, they stand in relatively peaceful silence and he enjoys it. It reminds him of the unspoken truce they had fallen into when she had lost Haru to the Writer the first time. Realistically, back then, the truce had come about as a result of Kyung’s lack of desire to fight any longer and Danoh not having the energy to fight him. She doesn’t rely on him like she had then, she has Haru for that. Still, he’s grateful that, at the very least, they can coexist like this.
“Been thinking, have you?” he asks eventually, curious disguised by the casualness of his tone. He’s quite good at feigning apathy.
How could he possibly reveal how incredibly relieved and electrifyingly happy her words made him? There is acceptance there, of a sort, and something close enough to forgiveness to satisfy him. Just knowing she had been thinking about him at all made it worth it.
Danoh shrugs. “I could see you were trying. And Haru mentioned something that got me thinking in the first place.”
The mention of Haru sends another thrill through him. “Haru mentioned me?”
In his surprise, his voice sounds almost earnestly. Kyung curses himself for the slip-up but Danoh doesn’t seem to notice.
“Just that you seem different lately.”
Which makes his heart sink and soar at the same time. What does different mean exactly? Is that referring to him trying his best to do better in the relationships he cared about rather than sabotaging them to ruin the relationships he despised? Or had Haru noticed something he shouldn’t have? What does he know exactly?
Not that Kyung can ask Danoh any of this. He doesn’t want to make her suspicious either.
“Right. When he figures it out, let me know. I’d love to hear what lover-boy has to say about me.”
That’s the closest he can bring himself to ‘ do tell’ as he can manage. Danoh rolls her eyes but otherwise leaves it at that. When Haru eventually shows up and Danoh skips over to him, already talking a mile-a-minute as the boy listens patiently, Kyung forces himself not to stare.
In fact, he makes sure he doesn’t even look at them. He just turns around and walks in the other direction, wherever that leads him. Considering their scene had been on the rooftop bridge, it takes him to the library. Though, that doesn’t help the tightness in his chest much because the library only makes him think of them .
As soon as he enters the building and knows he’s out of sight, he leans against a wall, a hand on his aching chest, and tries to breathe . The pain of his heart is shattering.
But he can do this. He can leave them to live happily together. He just has to make it to the end of the story and then whatever happens happens. He’s already done enough to them, this is the least he can do.
Still, it’s ridiculous that it has to hurt this much,
“Baek Kyung? Are you okay?”
Kyung blinks open eyes he hadn’t realised had fallen shut. He finds Lee Dohwa watching him in concern and inwardly curses his luck. It just has to be a self-aware person that sees him. It couldn’t have possibly been Oh Namju, could it? No, it just had to be Lee fucking Dohwa.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just.” He tries to think of some excuse to explain away whatever it is that Dohwa thinks he’s seeing. “Ran too much today. Pushed myself in soccer. Then the writer had me doing even more sport. That’s all.”
Why is he even explaining himself?
Dohwa frowns as thinks over the reasoning of it and then just shrugs. He still doesn’t look totally convinced but he accepts it. “If you say so. I didn’t know you had a limit like that. You always boast about your endless energy.”
Kyung scowls. “I don’t boast.”
He doesn’t have to. His performance in any physical activity speaks for itself.
Dohwa scoffs like he can read his thoughts and then his friend is backing off finally. “Sure, sure. Let’s say that. Anyway, I’m off. Maybe sit down or something if you’re still out of breath.”
He waves his friend off as he walks past him to leave the library and Kyung stares around at the library, wondering how long he needs to wait to be sure that Haru and Danoh have left the bridge. He pushes off the wall and wanders around for something to read, finding himself drawn to the sappy romance books Dohwa is always reading. His friend has recommended enough and he knows that Namju secretly reads some of them in his free time too, so he might as well try one. It’ll pass the time, at the very least, and maybe prove to be enough of a distraction.
He’s still in the library by the time night falls and he surprisingly hasn’t been dragged into another scene. He supposes the writer is giving him and Eun Danoh’s story a rest while they focus on the main couple. He’ll be honest, there’s not much for them to do now that their characters are enjoying newly-requited-love bliss. What can possibly be next?
He doesn’t tend to linger in the school at night these days considering it’s Haru’s roaming territory and currently, Baek Kyung is trying his best to avoid the boy as much as possible.
For once, however, he decides to disregard his apprehension and just wander around the empty hallways, hoping he won’t run into him . Although, even if he does, Haru probably won’t even spare him a second glance. Why would he?
It’s like he’s begging to test that theory because as he walks mindlessly without destination nor thought, he finds himself right back where he started. The library. But not just any old part of the library, no, Haru’s corner.
It’s the one he’d discovered a while back when he had still been piecing things together and figuring out why things were so weird. The truth had been so much stranger than anything he could have imagined. A comic where he’s a side character? Like, with a prewritten ending and a fabricated backstory too. Someone truly had had a hand in constructing his life, and he’d still ended up with the shitty, short stick. This all had been chosen for him. Like he deserved it, or something.
When Kyung had first seen the beautiful drawings of Eun Danoh on the wall in that corner, he had been filled with poisonous anger, jealousy, and pain. Pain because he’d realised then that what he was fighting wasn’t just some newfound crush but something deeper, something that had been going on for longer than he knew, something like fate. A fate stronger than the writer, even. So, of course he’d lost in the end. To both of them. He was never meant to win, was he?
That creepy shimmery portal thing is no longer there but Kyung can still imagine the way it had made the hanging pages flutter and shiver. He stands there now in the silence of the long-deserted library,remembering that time in the past when he’d been here last. He should know he is pushing his luck the longer he stands there, but any reminder of either Eun Danoh or Haru leaves him transfixed and hungry for more. It’s like an addiction. He’ll take anything he can lock away inside himself to fill the emptiness there.
This corner, this is all Haru with traces of Eun Danoh and he feels a little closer to them as he stands here gazing over the various drawings and sketches, portraits and dynamic scenes. He memorises each stroke of Danoh’s smile and beauty that Haru’s talented hands have captured.
The consequences come quicker than he’d hoped, his welcome long overstayed. Someone moves behind him and before he can react, he hears a voice that makes his breath catch in his throat. By his sides, his hands tighten into fists automatically.
“Baek Kyung?”
He really loves the sound of his name when Haru says it like that, confused and quiet rather than angry and loud like it’s usually spoken.
Kyung doesn’t turn around instantly, unsure if he can face Haru without doing something he’ll regret. He has lots of practice dealing with his emotions in front of Danoh but he’s been avoiding Haru for a reason. Maybe he’ll just go if he ignores him long enough.
“Baek Kyung?” Haru repeats and Kyung realises immediately how ridiculous he’s being. There’s no way out of this situation without him turning around and facing whatever it is that boy is going to say to him.
So he turns around and forces his expression to be as emotionless and disinterested as possible, although he has no idea of the result.
“Haru,” he acknowledges flatly and really, he wishes he could say that name more often than he gets to.
The boy regards him quietly and he waits for whatever will come. Anger maybe, or even hate or disgust. Maybe he’ll just tell him to get out and Kyung will do exactly that because he doesn’t want to be here anymore.
“You aren’t usually here at this time,” he observes and Kyung doesn’t know what to do with that. “Is something wrong?”
Kyung can’t help the way his eyes narrow at the boy. In what context would he ever ask him something like that? He’d thought they’d been through too many tense standoffs, exchanged too many blows, for that question to ever come from Haru .
To be fair, the boy looks just as uncomfortable asking it as Kyung is to hear it. Despite that, he meets Kyung’s confused gaze as steadily as ever so that Kyung is the one to break the contact and shift awkwardly.
Is something wrong?
Yes, something’s wrong. Something must be seriously wrong with Baek Kyung because he wants to step closer to the other boy and do something stupid. There are far too many possibilities. Taking his hand is one. Putting a hand to his face and easing the tension there is another. Anything so that Haru’s gaze would soften and look at Kyung with just as much affection as he does with Danoh. He could just as easily reach out and wrap his arms around the other.
His hands are trembling now. He desperately wants a hug, as childish as it may sound. He doesn’t remember the last time someone gave him one freely because they saw he needed comfort. Maybe when he was a child and his mother was still alive.
“Haru mentioned something that had me thinking-”
He’s aware of these things inside of him, these stupid wants and ideas and dreams that can’t ever see the light of day. He’s aware of them but when they bubble up to the surface, shake him as they make themselves known at the worst of times, he doesn’t react well. When does he ever react well to emotions?
There it is - he’s glaring at Haru now and there’s anger bubbling up because this boy is making him feel things he shouldn’t, things he can’t possibly act on because he’d never do that to Danoh. Not again. His fists clench tighter until his nails are biting painful half-moons into his skin and maybe that’s blood or maybe that’s his imagination.
The pain grounds him a little, although not as much as the way Haru’s gaze flickers warily down to his clenched fists does. Everything within him grinds to a heart-wrenching stop.
He’s not doing this anymore. He’d sworn to himself. He’s leaving them be and not blaming them for this stupid situation he’s gotten himself into. At this point, there’s no one else he can blame and his heart would shatter if he purposefully made Haru stare at him in hatred once more.
So Kyung forces his fists to unclench and he takes a deep, shaky breath. He can do this.
He works his jaw a few times before he trusts himself enough to speak.
“What do you know? I’m just passing by.” Kyung almost walks away after that. He forces himself to linger a little longer because he refuses to look like he’s running away. He shoves his hands into his pockets for good measure. “Everything good with you and Danoh now?”
Haru is silent a little too long, unnerving him. “Everything is good.”
Too good. Everything they have, Kyung was supposed to have. It pisses him off to no end, but it’s also everything he deserves.
“Take care of my fiancée. She chose you either way, I know. Good thing you’ve proved her taste in men isn’t as bad as I’d thought.”
He can do this. He can pretend he’s okay.
Haru almost chuckles, a win. His lips quirk up into a half-smile and it absolutely captivates Kyung.
“Baek Kyung?”
There he goes again, calling his name. Kyung is back on guard instantly.
“If you have something to say, make it quick.”
Haru tilts his head and Kyung wants to kiss him.
“Thanks.”
Give it to these two lovesick idiots to be able to floor him completely with very few words. That’s the power they both have over him. They never cease to give him heart failure.
“For what?”
“Just… for everything. For helping Eun Danoh regain her memories.”
“Don’t.” Not for that. Not for anything, really. There’s nothing Kyung has done that deserves thanks. ep 31 10:23
Still, Haru’s eyes sparkle at him from where he stands across from him in this dark walkway, illuminated in moonlight.
“Rude bastard,” Haru says all too fondly. Far too fondly.
Kyung turns to go, finally. As much as this strange conversation brings him peace, he can’t bear it any longer.
Haru says his name one more time and like a spell, Kyung waits for whatever it is he has to say. He’s rooted to the spot the minute his name is in that mouth.
“Do you love her?”
Considering all the things Kyung has done and said in the name of love, the question is rather redundant. Hasn’t he already made it obvious? He surely hasn’t beaten around any bush.
“Doesn’t matter,” he says bluntly and yeah, maybe a little rudely. Sue him. He’ll always be a rude bastard, anything but show his real feelings. Because it doesn’t matter. Not anymore. Kyung’s feelings are the last thing anyone should be concerned with. So he steps forward and for a heart-stopping moment, he and Haru just stare at each other. Then he forces himself to walk past the boy and he moves robotically until he breaks out of the library into the cold night air that hits him hard.
It seems to be the shock he needs because it forces an audible gasp for air out of him and then he’s sucking in as much of the night air as he can, cheeks a little wet but he ignores it.
He’s fine. He’s fine .
Kyung has nothing else he’ll allow himself to say. Things will go as planned now. At least, if the writer decides it. But he’s given up caring about the writer and their plans.
Running a hand over his face, Kyung sighs and starts the long walk through the empty school and towards home. Maybe he’ll make it before the scene changes, maybe he won’t.
Baek Kyung thinks he’s doing okay. Relatively.
With the story progressing steadily towards its very obvious end, his father is no longer on his case as much. It had seriously pissed him off at first because he knew it was because everything was going according to his father’s fabulous plan. Now he is all too pleased with Kyung.
He hates how a part of him, the part that is lost in the blurry line between fiction and reality, craves his father’s approval and is relieved that his father is pleased. He really hates it and he would act out even more, as futile as that would be, if he hadn’t been so tired with this story by now. He’s over it all. He’s ready for the end.
Well, that’s what he thinks most of the time. Other times, it makes him a little sick when he ponders what could possibly be after ‘The End ’ for story characters like him. But considering how inevitable it is, all he can do is watch the end come closer and closer.
Maybe their memories will be wiped and they’ll be inserted into another story once more, rearranged and given a different setting. Kyung hopes he’ll be happier. He kind of likes the idea of forgetting everything once more and starting afresh. The writer hasn’t shown much of a penchant for treating him kindly, however, so all he can do is cling onto that hope.
It’s all he has at the moment.
That and the fake happiness he has with Eun Danoh. He pretends, sometimes. That it’s all real. That the story is the reality and the shadow is just a bad dream. That there really is someone who is happy just to see him, someone who loves him
Sometimes he wonders if it’s the love she gives him in scenes that he’s really in love with. It would be better that way, he thinks. But then when the scene ends and her loving gaze dims and she’s walking away coldly, he still loves her just as much. Loves her just as much when she gets sick of his bullshit and yells at him for some snide comment he’d made, or some slight from a scene that still bothers them even afterward in the shadow.
He apologises a lot now. He knows he has a lot to apologise for but he starts with the small sorries he can manage when he can’t help the things his character does and he keeps doing it because it feels worth it when Eun Danoh’s annoyed gaze falters and softens a little.
One day Eun Danoh just sighs. “It’s okay, you can stop apologising. I get that you can’t do anything about it.”
Which… isn’t the kind of development that Kyung thought it would be. Instead of feeling relieved it just feels sad, like things are ruined beyond fixing and that’s just how it is. Like Kyung could apologise for the rest of his life and it still wouldn’t be enough. It still wouldn’t make things okay between them.
It hurts like hell and Kyung clenches his fists so hard his nails make his palms bleed. What else did he expect? That they could be anything more than awkward ex-childhood-friends, ex-almost-but-never-quite-lovers, ex-I-love you and now I-wish-we’d-never-met.
Danoh waltzes off once more, and once more he’s left standing there, heart in pain as his head dulls. But he can’t stand it.
“Wait!” he calls and Danoh stops and he’s grateful just for that. He takes a step after her and stops, not quite closing the distance between them but coming close enough. “I won’t stop apologising because I know I need to.”
“What are you-”
And he takes a breath because he’s never said this before.
He’s done a lot of thinking, is all. About why she hates him so much and what exactly had happened between them without his anger hazing his mind and confusing things. He hates talking about feelings but he can admit that in this situation, he needs to man up and say something. If he’s always staying silent, he just makes a coward of himself.
“I hurt you so many times. Before I became self-aware, that was still me and I was awful. I know that. Even after I became self-aware, I didn’t help you at all and you were just trying to live. I was selfish but I want you to know that I really did love you.” I still love you. “I’m just sorry that it became something that only ever hurt you more. I’m sorry to you-” he has to brace himself mentally before he can say the name, “-and Haru. Both of you.”
And she’s staring at him with big eyes, silent like she doesn’t know how to react which is ironic considering the mouth she has. God, she’s beautiful. It would be so easy to tuck that stray strand of hair behind her ear and bend down so they’d be eye-level. To smile and tell her he really does love her and that that’s one thing he can never be sorry for.
But Haru looms tall and steady in the distance and just as he refuses to bring himself to hurt Danoh, he also refuses to hurt Haru because he’s done hurting the people he loves out of his own selfishness. He doesn’t ever want to feel that prickly self-hatred again, the one that comes when he inevitably lashes out at anyone he tries to keep close.
So, he takes a step backward and then he’s walking away, finally him walking away first, and he feels a little relieved to have properly apologised. It’s not enough, of course. He knows that. But he doesn’t think there’s anything he can do that will be enough. All he can do is leave them alone. To leave those two… to have their happy ending.
Before the story ends, that’s all he can do for them.
Despite the restoration of A3, the club room is still just as empty as before when two out of the three of them were fighting. Baek Kyung sits at his place in the middle of the three-person sofa, tennis ball soaring and falling back to him as he bounces it off the wall only to catch it and throw it again when it rebounds. It used to drive Lee Dohwa insane and sometimes Kyung would count the thuds it took before the violin-playing boy would snap and yell at him to cut it out. Oh Namju would hide a smirk in the book he would be reading and Kyung would fake innocence before the three of them eventually cracked up.
Now, no one is here so he can bounce his tennis ball all he wants, deep in thought as the rhythmic thuds lull him into a meditative state.
Well, usually doing this lulls him into a meditative state. At the moment, he can’t stop the ball from hitting the wall erratically, as irregular and unorganised as his thoughts as he fights to control them, to stop them from drifting to places he doesn’t want to go.
Thud.
Eun Danoh, head in Haru’s lap as the two rest in the shade of the tree the curly-haired boy sits leaning against. Dappled light paints them in a subtle glow that makes them look ethereal, and the picture is ruined only when Danoh starts giggling and Haru’s eyes flutter open to see the butterfly that has settled on his white shirt. He stays still as he watches it with almost comical focus and it only makes Danoh laugh harder, shaking them both until the butterfly flies away. Haru smiles fondly down at her. When her laughter dies down, she’s smiling back at him, the two staring at each other happily and Baek Kyung feels warm at the sight but at the same time his heart aches and he thinks that he will have to get used to this feeling.
Thud. “Get out.” Thud . “Get out.” Thud . “Get out,” he mutters to himself as his thoughts continue to swirl.
Kyung’s desk is at the back of the classroom so naturally he has most of the class in his line of vision, with the exception of Namju and the few others in the back row. He’s always liked it best back here, able to observe everyone else without feeling gazes constantly glued to him.
Being as tall as he is, he can easily look over the heads in front of him and single out one particular head of sleek black hair, today braided at the front to keep hair out of her face. He had always been sitting here, watching her from behind during class as she zoned out, stared out windows or chatted with Shin Saemi. He smiles unconsciously at the sight of her resting her chin in her palm, eyes not focused on the teacher at all.
He follows her gaze and his breath catches in his throat, unaware that he is now staring in the same way Eun Danoh is.
Strong shoulders and a profile illuminated with natural light, hands that trace something delicately onto paper as his fingers move purposefully, forearms tensing and adjusting with every movement. Then he looks up and for a heart-stopping moment, his face lights up.
Kyung is entranced until his gaze drifts to see Eun Danoh beaming back at Haru and the two look like such lovesick fools that he has to look away abruptly.
Thud. Thud.
Intense concentration furrowing her brow, she brightens when she notices him approaching.
“Baek Kyung! Come look at this!”
“What’s that you’ve got there?” he asks as he takes a seat next to her in her living room. He briefly senses Mr Eun watch in silent approval before leaving the room.
Eun Danoh moves closer to him until their legs are touching and he can feel her lean ever so slightly against him as she pushes the open book over to him so he can look at it.
“It’s our kindergarten photos! Look, aren’t we so cute?”
“You certainly were,” he says lightly and she blushes.
“So were you,” she deflects in embarrassment. “There you are. Next to me.”
He looks and he sees a small Oh Namju and Lee Dohwa too. All of them there, so young and innocent.
Danoh takes his hand. “I’m glad things have turned out this way.”
Kyung feels his fingers intertwine with hers and give her hand a squeeze. “I am too.”
Kyung shudders as he feels the scene’s grip on him loosen and the hand in his slips out, leaving his feeling empty and his heart clenches because he really hates the letting go part.
Danoh scoots away from him and stands up, clearing her throat awkwardly.
“It’s strange seeing pictures of us when we were younger considering they were probably just made up by the writer for the story.”
Kyung blinks at that and looks down at the pictures once more. But it felt real to him, he wants to say. He remembers it all.
“You really were a cute kid,” is what he says instead and to his surprise, Danoh actually blushes a little at the comment.
“I know,” is all she says as she looks around. “I’m going to go find Father. Go ahead and leave when you want.”
“I think I saw him go towards the garden,” he says numbly and she nods before leaving. Always leaving.
Thud.
“Get out, get out-”
“Hey!”
“Hey, Baek Kyung!” A strong hand grabs his wrist and swings him round to face whoever it is. There is only one person it could possibly be.
He doesn’t think he had been intentionally ignoring him, as zoned out as he’d been, but maybe he had on an unconscious level. In any case, his heart flutters as he comes face to face with Haru who seems just as caught off-guard by their sudden accidental proximity even though it had been him who had been aggressively calling for him.
“I, um, was just…”
Haru stares as he trails off awkwardly and Baek Kyung can’t handle it, can’t handle any of it.
Pushing off the hand on his wrist more gently than he ever has before, he backs away until he has enough space to breathe again.
“Did you want something or can I go?” he asks snappishly because he doesn’t know what else to say, he doesn’t know what to make of this.
Haru’s hand, the one which had grabbed him before and had since remained hanging in the air after Kyung had pushed it away, closes into a fist and his expression shutters.
“Danoh had another vision,” he says finally. “She wanted me to warn you to be careful next time you’re on the field. That’s all.”
“Right,” Kyung says, unsure why they are even bothering to tell him. It’s not like he can avoid whatever it is the writer has in stall for him anyway.
“Yeah.” Haru doesn’t leave and Kyung doesn’t know why so they just stand there.
“Was there… something else?” he asks, skin itching to leave before he puts his foot in his mouth somehow and brings back the hatred in those eyes. He can’t help it, things just happen, okay?
“No, no,” Haru says and turns around a little confusedly which doesn’t make sense because Kyung is the one who’s confused.
Thudthudthudthudthud-
A bubbly laugh- no, a deeper chuckle- no, small hands that fit nicely in his- fingers a little longer than his- arms firmly wrapping around his middle- an arm slung around his shoulder- flinching away as she glares up at him and he can’t help but think- a glower from across the room, somehow triumphant and hateful at the same time and Kyung kind of wants to punch him but he also wants to-
Thud-thud -smash.
Shit, the window.
Kyung just stares at the shattered glass, hand empty as the tennis ball no longer bounces back.
In the distance, someone yells about a ball that hits them and who did that? It’s shrill and people only yell back in defensive confusion and Kyung is just on that edge of insanity that he can’t help the laugh that rips itself from his throat. At first, it’s harsh and makes his throat ache like he hasn't laughed in a while. But then it becomes something a little more real as it loosens in his throat and this feels good . He must really be insane because then he can’t stop and he’s just sitting there laughing his head off. There’s glass on the floor, someone got hit by his stupid ball and he’s in love with two people who hate him, and if that isn’t the biggest joke ever, he doesn’t know what is.
“Baek Kyung? What are you doing?”
Lee Dohwa finds him like that, just sitting there and laughing. He looks reasonably concerned.
“What are you laughing at, Kyung?” he asks nervously which only makes him laugh harder because how the hell could he even begin to explain
Instead of leaving him to his insanity, Dohwa sits down on the sofa and watches him. He seems more amused than concerned the longer he watches him. He’s still there when Kyung finally can stop himself and by then he’s exhausted so he just slumps against the sofa, his friend a silent presence beside him.
“Care to answer now?”
“Not really,” he says shortly, still catching his breath and trying not to move so much because his stomach aches.
“I haven’t seen you laugh like that in years,” Dohwa remarks, not pushing his questions.
It’s just a statement but the fact that Dohwa has noticed makes him feel a little warm, a little less alone and still drunk on the laughter, he feels the urge sling an arm around his friend in a side-hug. He’s not usually one to be physically affectionate, however, so he’d probably just freak him out more.
“Ah,” Kyung sighs out, releasing the air inside him like it’s all the tension he’s been carrying around and rubs his face with his hands. It’s been a while since they’ve spent time together. Usually the other boy is hanging around the two people Kyung is avoiding or he’s trailing after the Yeo Juda girl like she hung the sun in the sky. A question strikes him because at this point in the story, the end is obvious. “What are you going to do about Yeo Juda?”
He almost regrets voicing his question when his friend’s face dims and his smile falters.
“Oh, that,” he says, smiling again. “Well, I probably don’t need to explain the situation to you. She chose him. And I love her enough to let her go. Simple as that.”
Kyung can understand but he doesn’t quite understand how Dohwa can be so okay about it all. How can he accept it when it clings bitterly to the back of Kyung’s throat and irritates with every movement?
“I have a question.” Kyung hums, giving Dohwa the cue to continue. “Did you- the real you, I mean- love Eun Danoh? Not just your character?”
Kyung contemplates denying it but he’s sick of keeping everything inside himself.
“Yeah. I love her. Like you love Yeo Juda.”
Dohwa lights up. “Really? I mean, that sucks for you since she and Haru are like… But I guess that means we’re in the same boat, huh?”
He’s so cheerful as he says it that Kyung doesn’t say anything. He highly doubts that Dohwa likes Oh Namju just as much as he does Yeo Juda so no, they’re not exactly in the same boat. It’s only Kyung who’s the freak who’s managed to convince himself he’s stuck in not one but two unrequited loves. He can’t even tell who he likes more at this point which is a problem because it’s not normal to be in love with more than one person at the same time.
He sighs and lets his head fall back once more. What a mess.
“But I guess we aren’t really the same,” Dohwa muses and for a heart-stopping second, Kyung thinks he’s accidentally said his thoughts out loud.
“I mean, you get to be with the one you love in the stage, at least. I don’t even get that.”
He deflates as his friend continues and he smiles self-deprecatingly.
“I think that actually makes it worse,” he says quietly. As much as he craves those moments in the stage, it only teases him cruelly with something he can’t actually have, something that could be so good but is only an artificial dream that he’s forced to wake up from over and over again.
“Woah, what happened to the window? Did you do that?”
Kyung just grins tiredly, probably looking unhinged but it’s not like he has the energy to care about how he looks of all things. “Yeah, I did. You don’t have to look so affronted, the writer will fix it.”
What would it take for the writer to fix him ?
Baek Kyung seeks out the Dried Squid Fairy and as usual, the man is not all that pleased to see him. Kyung understands. He is, however, generally the one with all the answers so Kyung is forced to hunt him down regardless.
They stand on either side of the kitchen table, Jinmichae’s eyes guarded and arms crossed on one side and Kyung on the other with his hands in his pocket, braced for resistance.
“You know everything already now, what could you possibly be here for now?” the man grits out, clearly wishing he’d just leave. Kyung tilts his head and tries to imagine this man as his brother, like he had apparently been in their previous story, but can’t see it.
“It’s not so much the story,” he answers, “but the rules of this damn world. I know you’ve explained it all to Eun Danoh and Lee Dohwa. You might as well do the same for me.”
Jinmichae just sighs and sits down, shoulders dropping as he nods in defeat. “Go ahead. Ask your questions then leave. Just seeing your face is raising my blood pressure so please make it quick.”
Kyung rolls his eyes and sits down as well, relieved that the man is seeing reason and not choosing to be overly difficult and cryptic. He really doesn’t like people who avoid simple answers just to overcomplicate things.
He finds his gaze roaming the kitchen around him. He’s never spent much time here before but it strikes him how quiet it is. The Squid is really the only one here.
“What do you even do all day?”
From Kyung’s recollection, he’s barely in any scenes in the comic.
Jinmichae smiles overly politely, pouring every ounce of fakeness and tolerance into it. “I don’t see how that’s relevant to the rules of this world.”
“Humour me?”
He’s not even sure the man won’t just flat out refuse to respond. He looks like he is about to but then he just sighs again and looks around with a shrug.
“I actually do have a job, you know. I prepare meals regularly, although most of the food actually shown in scenes are essentially willed into existence. I cook anyway, even on days I don’t need to.”
Kyung waits for more but the man doesn’t continue. “That’s it?”
The man gives him a disgusted look. “What more do you want from me? I exist. I follow the comic and try to stop stubborn characters from derailing the story. What do you do all day?”
Kyung opens his mouth only to pause, humming thoughtfully. “Okay, you have a point.”
The Squid just shakes his head at him. “Why are you here, Baek Kyung? Are you bored or something? Do you not have someone else to terrorise?”
It’s a reasonable question but not even Kyung is all too sure why he is here. At first he’d thought he might as well see what answers he can get from the man but now he can’t think of anything he wants to ask. He has to admit, it’s kind of nice talking to someone who isn’t too busy with the story, someone who isn’t them .
“If I’m here talking to you, that means I’m not out ruining the story, right?”
Jinmichae just gives him an unconvinced look. Kyung remembers, however, that Eun Danoh and Haru have frequented the kitchens in the past.
“You haven’t happened to see Eun Danoh here recently, have you?”
“Not really. I assume she’s busy spending as much time as she can with Haru. Why?”
Kyung averts his eyes. That’s a relief, at least. “Nothing.”
The Squid eyes him suspiciously. “You’re not planning anything, are you?”
He snorts. “No. You can relax with me, I want nothing to do with the story now. I just want it all to be over.”
“Well, the end shouldn’t be long now, I think. We’re at least over the halfway mark so whatever happens now is the climax and falling action of the story. Then the end and that’s it for us.”
“What happens to us?”
The question comes out sounding quiet and serious, more so than he had originally intended. Jinmichae looks down at the table soberly.
“I suppose that would be your biggest concern at this point. I’ll be honest, I don’t entirely know. I wasn’t… aware of the end last time. I don’t think anyone was. We are just taken out of existence and then put back again when the writer has a new story. As far as I know, that’s how it works.”
“Does it bother you?”
Jiminchae stares at him. “Bother me? What choice do we have?”
That has Kyung falling silent. He’d spent his life without much of a choice or say in anything. Then he’d found out about the comic and realised he’d had even less of a say in anything that he’d initially thought. His life, his character… is there any damn thing he can have for himself? Even in the shadow, everything had slipped from his fingers. He supposes that since he’d never been able to choose for himself before, he’s incapable of making any good decisions. He only ruins things for himself, which is how he’d managed to turn the freedom of the shadow into another cage for himself.
However, there is one choice he thinks he might still have. He thinks he might take it. It sits heavy at the back of his mind and he leaves it there for now.
“For what it’s worth, I apologise for being the bane of your existence both in this story and the last. I might still be in the next. But thank you for looking out for Danoh. I’ll leave you now. I’m sorry for coming here.”
He stands and turns away as Jinmichae remains unmoving.
“You can be civil when you want to be, I guess. It’s fine as long as you don’t bring that attitude back in here. Everyone just comes and goes as they please so it’s not like I can stop you from doing the same.”
It’s a very roundabout way of saying that it’s okay to come back, Kyung thinks, and he hides a smirk.
“Thanks. But I probably won’t be back.”
(warning : suicide - it’s not graphic or anything, but anyone very sensitive to the topic can skip to the next chapter if they want to be safe)
Kyung considers it.
As in, the kind of consideration where he’s standing on the edge of the roof and looking down.
He’s here and the wind is in his face and his eyes shut briefly because it feels nice. After searching the library thoroughly, he’d managed to find a small passage that led up to a door that opens out onto the roof of the library building. Considering it’s the highest point in the school, it’s kind of perfect.
He’s not suicidal . That’s not why he’s here. Kyung doesn’t crave death or anything. He’s all too aware of the impending end of the comic for that, and he knows that even if he does die somehow, the writer will drag him back so he can finish his story.
Which leads him to his current theory.
If he dies and the writer brings him back to life, will he be unchanged? Or will he return just as he was at the beginning of this shitshow, blissfully ignorant and without having his personality split in two? It had happened to Haru, although that was after he’d been personally taken out of the story by the writer. But Kyung actually really likes that idea; the idea of time resetting, of no longer having the burden of all these memories, from both this comic and the last. He likes it enough to actually try it.
A part of him believes he won’t. That he deserves to be punished by his own memories.
But it’s not like it will make a difference for those he’s hurt either way. Either way, they’ll continue their lives and he’ll continue his.
So he shuffles closer to the edge.
He better do it now quickly before he’s forced into another scene and has to gather the courage all over again.
It grips at him then. The desire to keep his memories like some kind of tainted treasure. He doesn’t want to forget the memories he has - of Eun Danoh on the swings next to him, sad eyes trusting him for that one moment. Of Haru laughing at one of his jokes and pulling him close when he had lost his memories and had been made into Kyung’s follower by the writer. Of the warmth they’ve left in him without even knowing.
But that warmth isn’t the only thing that’s there. There’s also poisonous words and the sting of his cheek as his father walks away with his replacement wife and son, the anger that lies there deep and hideous. Hatred and cowardice, a classroom looking at him in shock as Eun Danoh flinches away and Haru stands there limply with Kyung’s fists in his shirt.
The stage never treated him kindly but the shadow had always been colder. He’d gladly leave it behind for anything. The unknown. It’s not like he has a reason to cling onto his memories of Danoh and Haru anyway - they certainly don’t need him to. It’s better this way.
The toes of his shoes hang over the edge and he takes a deep breath.
Regardless of whatever the writer does to him from now on, Baek Kyung will die here. Any version forced back into being after this isn’t him. His memories and sins die here.
He just wants it all to be over now and maybe this will make the trek towards the end a little more bearable. Just a mindless puppet.
So Baek Kyung steps off. The wind welcomes him and rushes in his ears as the world tilts on its axis. There’s barely a sound apart from the noise of his body hitting the ground and it’s not like there’s anyone around to even hear that.