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“Grief is like the ocean. It comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” – Vicki Harrison
It had been two months since Bobby died. Two months since the love of her life was cruelly dragged away from her.
She doesn’t do much nowadays. Most of the time, Athena stays in bed, only getting up if necessary. She ought to get back to work, she thinks. She just can’t get out of bed.
May and Harry have been home since the funeral. They tried coaxing her out of the house a few times, but every time she got to the front door, she’d see Bobby's car and it all came back to her. Her kids helped build her back up each time it happened.
Today wasn’t any different, though she had managed to make it to the couch instead of being in her bedroom.
May was sitting beside her, not saying much, just giving some silent comfort. She had suggested, earlier on in the week, that they start going through some of Bobby’s things. She didn’t mean getting rid of anything, but maybe it’d be nice seeing some memories, remembering the good times.
When Athena had first heard the suggestion, she couldn’t stomach it. She didn’t come out of her room for a day. But now, sitting here, with some of Bobby’s things around her, the suggestion covered her like a warm blanket.
There were photos, all lined up on the coffee table, each one capturing a contagious smile. His phone was powered off, sitting likely dead on the edge of the table. She hadn’t had the bravery to turn it on. Little memories were scattered, some of Bobby’s most loved things.
They spent an hour talking about Bobby, laughing and joking at some of the things he’d be saying. Harry joined them shortly after, sharing some of the best memories he’d had with Bobby.
Athena looked at his phone, it was all alone on the table, nobody had dared to touch it.
With shaking hands, Athena reached forward and grabbed it, cradling it in her hands like it was sacred. She took the nearby charger and plugged it in, seeing the little battery sign indicating it was charging. Holding the ‘on’ button, Athena watched as the phone came to life again.
For a solid minute, when the phone eventually powered on, all it did was vibrate with notifications. Once it had died down, Athena picked the phone back up and unlocked it. His home screen was a picture of the four of them, from their wedding day. She dragged a finger down from the top of the screen so she could see all of the notifications.
A majority of them were facebook notifications, everyone sending their condolences. There was numerous messages, more than Athena could go through in a day.
One thing stood out though, he had missed calls. It wasn’t unusual for someone to have missed calls, but it was unusual when everyone that had his phone number knows he passed.
She clicked onto the chain of notifications, taking her to the app. It was Buck.
Buck had called Bobby’s phone every day for the past 62 days. Sometimes it was multiple times a day, others it was just once. There was the odd message every other day, but it was mainly calls and left voicemails.
Athena excused herself from the sofa to go to her bedroom. When she was sat, she pressed call on the voicemail hearing the familiar robotic tone before the actual message plays.
She listens to them all, hears all of the pain in his voice, the crying, the occasional laugh when he mentions a fond memory. She has tears streaming down her face already and she’s not even half way through the voice mails. The next one she listens to has her letting out a small sob.
“Hi Bobby,” pause, “Sorry to call again. I just wanted to hear your voice. It’s only been a month, since you died. It feels like longer. Feels like years,” another pause, “i dont know how i’m meant to do this without you, Bobby,” Buck lets out a small sob, “you weren’t meant to leave. You’re meant to be with us, at the station! We’ve got Gerrard back, as captain. It’s not the same, will never be the same. He’s not as bad as the first time we had him, but he’s still a dick.” he lets out a small huff of laughter, “i wish you were here, pops. I wish i could’ve done more to save you, to get you back to Athena, and May and Harry. I’m sorry i couldn’t save you, i’m going to try my best to be better from now on, so hopefully, if you’re ever watching over me, you’ll be proud. Bye pops, i love you.”
Athena felt her heart break into more pieces when she listened to the voice mail. She never realised how much he was hurting, how much everyone else was hurting as well.
She wiped the tear that had formed off her face and stood up. For the first time in months, she put on her day clothes, getting ready to go out. She decided that now was the right time to face her fears.
Once dressed, she grabbed her purse from the living room, making sure she had her car keys and phone, before shouting out to her kids that she’ll be back in a couple hours.
When Athena was outside, she took a deep breath and unlocked the car. Hopping into the drivers seat felt foreign, the last time she sat here was the day her husband died. She turns the ignition, letting the car hum to life, and then she’s off.
The drive to Buck (and Eddie’s) house isn’t too far. She has it memorised by now because of how many times Bobby took them over in the past.
She sees Bucks car in the driveway, parked next to Eddie’s. Athena turns the car off and grabs her purse, opening the car door and stepping out. She makes the small distance up to the front door, giving it three soft knocks when she’s in front of it.
Eddie’s the one to answer the door, an initial expression of shock covers his face at first before it turns into something softer.
“Athena! Are you okay?” he questions.
“Hey Eddie, is Buck in?” Athena replies, a tired edge to her voice.
“Yeah, come in.” Eddie opens the door further for Athena, moving to the side as she steps in, “He’s napping on the couch if you want to go through, he won’t mind you waking him up.”
“Thanks, Eddie.” she gives him a kiss on the cheek before making her way to the living room. Eddie stays in the kitchen, giving them some privacy.
Bucks curled up on one side of the couch, arms wrapped around himself. From here, she can see how bad he looks. There’s bags under his eyes, like he hasn’t been getting enough sleep in a while. He looks skinnier too, not dangerously so, but he definitely hasn’t been eating full meals for a while.
Athena sits besides him, looking him over again before placing a hand on his knee and giving him a gentle shake. Buck stirs slightly, a restless expression on his face. Athena nudges him again and watches as Buck wakes up, yawning slightly and rubbing his fists over his eyes. Slowly, he opens his eyes, blinking a bit to get used to the lights again. He looks around before settling on Athena.
“‘Thena?” he questions, still riddled with sleep.
“Hi, baby,” Athena says, smiling slightly.
“Are you okay?” He asks, concern in his voice.
“I’ve been better,” she says, “i came to check on you.”
“Me?” he replies quietly, confused.
“I’m sorry i haven’t been round sooner. I could barely leave my bed up until the other day. May and Harry have been running around for me these past few months,” she laughs a bit, no humour in there though, “i powered on Bobby’s phone today. Me, May and Harry were surrounded by some of his things, remembering some of our memories with him.”
Bucks quiet whilst she’s talking, head turned away from her but he still reaches out and holds her hand.
“When i went through his phone, i saw all of the missed calls he had from you, and the voicemails you left. I listened to some.” Athena started to explain, squeezing Buck’s hand every so often.
Buck wiped away a stray tear that made it’s way down his face, sniffing occasionally.
“Bobby would be so proud of you. He was so proud of you, baby.” Athena expresses softly. Buck lets out a sob, covering his face with his free hand. Athena moves slightly so she can wrap an arm around Buck, pulling him into a hug. He goes willingly.
“He’d talk about you every day, buck. Wouldn’t stop banging on about you, how ‘Buck did this stupid thing on a rescue today’,” she said trying to make him laugh, and it worked for a second, “He’d always tell me about your progress in recoveries when you were injured, or how well you’ve been with cooking at the station. He talked about you so highly, and he would never want you to blame yourself for what happened. What happened to Bobby was one of the worst things ever but there’s no one to blame but Moira. Not you, not Chim or Hen or Ravi. Not me. So i need you to promise me, Buck. That you’ll stop punishing yourself for Bobby’s death. You don’t need to prove to him, from wherever he’s watching from, that you’ll be ‘better’, because he knows. He knows how great you are, how hard you tried. And he’d be so proud of you.”
“I miss him so much, Athena.” Buck cries openly, curled against her like a little kid. Athena holds him tighter, letting some of her own tears slip free.
“I miss him too, baby. I miss him every day. The pain will never go away, it will always be with you, but you’ll learn how to deal with it and eventually, it won’t feel as bad as it does now.” Buck cries harder, desperate sobs escaping his mouth. Athena lets herself break too, giving in to the crushing pain in her chest.
“Oh baby boy, I’ve got you. I’m here, i’ll always be here for you.” she comforts, stroking a hand up and down his back.
Right now, in this moment, it’s just two people broke in half with grief, leaning on eachother in one of the worst times of their lives. It’s going to be a long process, to feel alright again, but they have each other and that’s what matters.