Chapter Text
Kai knows he's good-looking.
This should probably be considered an undisputed fact. He's an extremely successful idol, people spend ungodly amounts of money for tiny cards with his face on them, it only takes one search on any social media website to find thousands of people singing his praises.
But for some reason, no amount of compliments or reassurance from strangers and loved ones alike can force the voice in his head to agree.
Kai supposes it's always been this way. Growing up mixed, he always looked different from everyone else no matter where he went. Comments from other kids, even adults sometimes—both well-intentioned and teasing—stuck with him for years.
Even now, when Kai has finally come to appreciate his unique features, he can't help but hear them sometimes when he sees a certain expression in the mirror, or angle in a photo. For the most part though, he can proudly say he's okay with his face now.
An insecurity he's never been able to shake, however, is his body. This one is newer, compared to the last. Up until his late teens Kai was pretty much the same size as his members. Sure, he might've thought critically about his proportions in the mirror next to others from time to time, but it was no more than most people considered occasionally.
When he hit an unexpected final growth spurt a couple years after they debuted, that's when his feelings towards his body became unmanageable. Looking at the 16 year old that released Crown, no-one could've predicted how much he'd fill out over the years. Kai did everything in his power to stop it, or slow it at least. None of the things he tried were sustainable long term, and all left him feeling more defeated. He couldn't help but almost resent how much more effort he had to put in to maintain a body that's still bigger than everyone else's, no matter how hard he tried.
He also felt a weird sense of guilt. He can't shake the idea that if the company knew what he'd grow into they wouldn't have let him join the group at all. There were countless trainees, all talented singers and dancers, and all skinnier than Kai is in the present day. He knows logically he's bringing more to the band than just looks, but this industry cares about appearances and dammit, so does Kai. The voice in his head saying he looks like a monster next to the smallest members persists daily. It doesn't help that his profession requires him to look in a mirror for multiple hours most days.
These days he's been better at shoving down the thoughts about his size, he even started going to the gym because Taehyun said it helped his own self esteem. Kai was doubtful at first, but the other man was right, as always.
When he works out with Soobin, he bites his tongue when their leader laments over his slender build, saying it's hard to eat enough to put on enough mass to get the muscles he wants. Kai could only dream of having such a problem. He doesn't want to invalidate his hyung’s insecurities though, knowing they all have their own. Soobin’s remarks about how he envies Kai’s build make him happy though. He certainly never expected to hear that from Soobin of all people, but he'll take it.
Kai quickly took to the routine of listening to music and letting his mind go blissfully blank as his body does the work. The feeling of control over how he looks is nice, he thinks. If anything working out has only made him bigger, but he's received enough positive feedback to be mostly okay with that. Some days are better than others.
Today isn't a good day. They're around 3 hours into the first dance practice for their latest comeback, and Kai is already behind on learning the new choreography. He was too hot and sweaty with the hoodie on, but he quickly regrets taking it off. Being able to see more of his body only makes him spiral further. The negative thoughts swirl noisily in his brain, leaving no room for anything else. Every time he's slower on a move it only piles on, getting more and more destructive.
He should be focusing on sharpening his movements, keeping up with the others, but his mind is consumed with how much bigger his arms seem than usual. Can this really just be from working out? He glances at Yeonjun’s arms and almost scoffs at the comparison. Kai knows he doesn't eat any more than Yeonjun does, and he definitely exercises more. How is this possible? How is this fair ?
Kai belatedly realizes the dance teacher is calling his name. Fuck. Being on autopilot for the past few minutes means mistakes were inevitable. He squeezes his eyes shut, taking a deep breath to try and ground himself.
“Are you feeling okay? Do you need to take a break?” The concern in the instructor's voice only confuses Kai. He's wasting everyone's time, messing it all up for the team. As always. She would have every right to be annoyed.
The unexpected kindness hits him hard, and when he opens his mouth to respond he finds his throat thick with emotion, eyes dangerously wet. The only thing worse than doing this badly at practice would be crying in front of everyone during it too.
“Um.” Kai clears his throat, eyes burning. “I'll be right back.”
He all but runs out of the room, speeding down the hallway, not breathing until the bathroom door is safely closed behind him. Tears fall down his cheeks without his permission. He relents to the sobs, hoping if he can let it all out now he can guarantee not crying as soon as he returns.
A soft knock freezes Kai to the spot.
“Hueningie? Are you alright?” Beomgyu’s muffled voice comes through the door. “And don't say you are, because I know that's not true. Can I come in?”
His tone was soft but firm, leaving no room for argument. Kai hastily dries his tears with his t-shirt—making sure to get the ones that slipped down his neck too—then reaches for the handle. He collects himself, taking a deep breath in and out, and opens the door.
The way Beomgyu’s face instantly falls shows that Kai didn't hide the evidence as well as he thought he did. The older's furrowed brow and wide eyes only serve to make him feel worse. Now he's burdening his members even more with his emotions as well as everything else. Kai has to make a conscious effort not to crumple to the ground in shame.
Beomgyu steps past the entryway, a little crowded in the stall meant for one person, and lets the door click shut behind him. He opens his arms wide, and Kai collapses into them, folding himself up small so his head rests in the same place on Beomgyu’s shoulder that it did back before their debut. The older man's hands find their usual spots, one gliding up and down Kai's back, the other carding through his hair sweetly. His eyes fall shut as he surrenders to the overwhelming comfort. It's exactly what he didn't know he needed.
How can Beomgyu always be like this with him? Shouldn't he be mad at him right now? Thinking back to the mistakes he was running from makes Kai wince, hugging his hyung even tighter momentarily, before coming to his senses and pulling back altogether. When he can bring himself to look at Beomgyu's face the older man looks flustered. Perfect, now he made the person who came to help him uncomfortable.
“I'm sorry,” Kai chokes. It comes out a lot more pathetic than he planned. He keeps his eyes glued to the ground, knowing whatever disgusted look is on Beomgyu’s face would break him.
“Kai-yah.” Soft hands cup his cheeks, gently urging him to look up. “Tell me what's bothering you. Is it because you made a few mistakes? We all have days like this, you know that.”
Kai wordlessly shakes his head, not really knowing which part he's disagreeing with. He lets Beomgyu guide his chin up to meet his eyes, finding no disgust whatsoever. Instead, the kindness within them is so devastating he has to look away.
“It's just… you all look so good doing the choreography, and then there's me, you know?” Kai forces out, the words stilted like they always get when he's out of his comfort zone.
He's always found it difficult to open up, possibly the most out of their team, but he's been working hard to rectify that. The Kai of 3 years ago probably would've lied in this moment, or evaded the question entirely. But he's learned with time that it only delays the inevitable, needlessly prolongs the suffering. His members are reliable and they can usually work things out. Even if there's no easy fix, just sharing what's bothering him lightens the load, despite how impossible it can feel to do that.
This time, the blank look on Beomgyu’s face is not very encouraging. “No, I don't know. What do you mean?” The confusion in his voice seems genuine, and there's no putting the worms back in the can now.
“Like…you all have ideal body types for idols, and I'm noticeably...different next to you guys.” Kai cringes at his own attempt to avoid mentioning size. He doesn't want his hyung to worry.
“Oh, Hueningie. I thought you moved past that. I had no idea it was still bothering you.” Concern laces Beomgyu’s voice and contorts his beautiful features. A hand is in his hair again, stroking softly.
“I thought I'd moved past it too,” Kai replies quietly, barely a whisper. He blinks rapidly in a desperate effort not to start crying again. Beomgyu wordlessly pulls him back into a hug, and Kai grips the fabric of his shirt like a lifeline.
“Hopefully you already know I think you look perfect, but I'll keep telling you until it goes in, okay?” Kai’s stomach flutters at the compliment, shoving his face further into the older man’s neck.
Kai internally scolds himself for thinking about his stupid crush on Beomgyu when he's so kindly trying to comfort him. It's selfish, he thinks, but that doesn't stop the adrenaline seeping into his veins at every touch.
If Kai's honest with himself, what he feels for Beomgyu has been more than a crush for a long time. He's not sure when the change happened. It was so gradual, all Kai knows is what once was manageable and lighthearted now feels all-consuming and infinite.