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Audrey knew Drake and Megan better than she cared to know herself. She has always been incredibly observant, present, and alert regarding her children. At times, she was even strict, always coming from a place of protectiveness and love. Through her close eye on her kids, she knew three things for certain: Megan has a hard time keeping friends, both of them eat way too many snacks, and Drake is most definitely gay.
The thought first crossed her mind when Drake was six years old. He ran down to the kitchen and looked up at her, doe-eyed, and confidently told her that when he grows up he's going to marry his best friend, José. Her instinct was to brush it off as “kid talk.” After all, there was no way Drake could fully understand the concept of marriage just yet. And just as she was about to correct him and explain to him what marriage “really” was, her first husband, Dave, ruffled Drake’s hair and smiled. “Is that so, bud?” He asked.
Drake only nodded and ran back upstairs, giggling. As the thumps of his feet got further and further, Audrey turned to Dave. “Do you…really think he’s gay?” She asked. “I mean, he’s awfully young.”
“I don’t know,” he answered, honestly. “Would it be okay if he was?” He questioned as he brushed some hair out of her face.
“I think so,” she replied, breathy.
“I think so too,” he agreed, gently. "I mean, we could be getting ahead of ourselves,” he assured. “Like you said, he is young. But-”
“I just…” She couldn’t find the right word.
“Worry?” Dave offered. She nodded. “Me too,” he confessed. And who could blame them? That kind of marriage wasn't even possible. Not yet, at least. Not legally. And there were so many hateful people. It was unnerving to think of the scorn he could face.
“The world isn’t exactly kind about that sort of thing,” she explained.
"No, it’s not,” he agreed. “But we can be.”
A few months later, José’s family moved away, and Drake cried and cried and cried in his mother's arms. It broke his parents’ hearts to see the typically unusually relaxed-for-his-age boy so distressed. Audrey knew. She did. But a part of herself told her that it could be nothing. He could just be sad to see a friend go. She wondered if she would think the same if Drake had been crying about a girl.
As Drake got older, he never talked about crushes. Seemingly too distracted by the cool guitarist he looked up to. Cool male guitarists. Cool male guitarist, with washboard abs and charming smirks, displayed on the posters covering the walls of his room.
Audrey didn’t miss the way Drake stared at the television when one of these talents was on. Sometimes, he would watch the way Dave watched the Beatles. And sometimes he would watch the way Audrey would watch the Beatles.
“Audrey, darling, I’m fairly certain of it now,” her first husband giggled, but his eyebrows were creased in slight worry. “Look at the kid's room.”
“I’ve noticed. What do we do?” She asked, tapping her finger against her knee. “How do we show him, you know, that it's okay?”
“I really don't know," Dave confessed. "I suppose we wait for him to tell us, once he's ready.”
When Drake was in middle school, he started talking about girls he had crushes on. Audrey is ashamed to admit she was relieved. Dave was not as easily convinced.
“When I was young, I was happy when I talked about my crushes. He seems so indifferent,” Dave said. “Yeah, she’s cool, I guess. Her eyes are nice or whatever,” Dave impersonated Drake. “But when it’s about that kid he plays guitar with it’s,‘Oh, he’s the coolest! Can he sleep over?’ He always wants to be around him.”
Audrey knew he was right, but she still only shrugged. “Let’s just…see how it plays out. I don’t want to decide what he is for him.”
“That’s not what I'm trying to do," Dave defended.
“No, I know! I know.” Was that what she was trying to do?
As the weeks passed, Dave got sick. Then, sicker. And even sicker. Until he was moribund. He was sitting in his hospital bed, Megan on his left knee and Drake on his right. Megan, just six, didn’t seem to understand what was going on, but she could tell something was wrong. She looked up at her father with wide eyes and a pout. He kissed her forehead. “I love you, baby girl,” he whispered. Drake, now twelve, had his face buried in his father's neck. Dave kissed the top of his head. Audrey could hear him mumble in the boy's hair, “I love you, sweetheart. No matter who you grow up to be. And remember, you don’t have to keep secrets from your momma, yeah?”
Audrey no longer cared to deny what she had known for years anymore. He shouldn't have to keep anything from his momma, after all.
When Drake was in high school, he hopped from girlfriend to girlfriend like it was nobody’s business. He didn’t care for any of them. It was painfully obvious to Audrey. She just knew. She felt bad for all the poor girls he was using. But she mainly felt bad for her son. Her most definitely gay son, who was boasting to his stepbrother about the “hot chick” he was seeing tonight.
“You okay over there, honey?” Walter asked.
So, she told him. She told him her and her late husband's “theory.” Walter laughed, but Audrey didn’t.
“You’re serious?” He asked. “All he talks about is girls.” He tried to reason.
“He thinks he has too. Or he wants to look cool. I don't know why he’s doing it, but it’s hard to watch. I’ve always known,Walter. Since he was little, I've known.” She explained as she ran a distressed hand down her face.
“Wow,” was all Walter managed.
“Is that okay to you?” She asked, feeling a sense of déjà vu.
“Well, sure, but…I guess I just worry.”
“Yeah, me too,” she nodded.
Audrey never expected Drake to go to college, but when he got accepted into a really good music program in New York City, he jumped on the opportunity. He called often enough, but the unfamiliar distance was hard for Audrey to cope with. Their phone calls were short and sweet, unlike his with Josh, where they would talk for hours. She learned about the classes he was taking, the new environment, and his friends.The way he would ramble on about his roommate, Malik, certainly didn't go unnoticed either. The calls were nice, but she was incredibly excited for Drake’s spring break to roll around, as he planned on flying home.
And when he returned, he was the same, of course, but different . Not dramatically changed. He fell into his typical routine after only a day or two. Sleeping in. Arguing with Megan. Going to the movies. But he had a maturity about him that must've emerged within him being so far away from home.
After what felt like the quickest week of Audrey’s life, she was in the boys' room, helping Drake pack his suitcase, readying for his flight leaving the next day. Drake gave Josh a look, and Josh nodded. He hopped off the couch and gave Drake’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze before leaving the room.
Audrey tilted her head. “Is everything okay, baby?”
Drake sighed. “I really have to talk to you about something.”
Audrey felt her blood run cold as her thoughts raced a mile a minute, thinking of every worst-case scenario thing Drake could drop on her right now. “What happened?” She asked, voice laced with worry.
Audrey watched as Drake darted his eyes, looking anywhere but hers. He stayed silent for a few moments, his chest rising and falling in a way more noticeable than before, as he willed confidence for himself.
“Mom, I'm gay.” Drake said, rushed.
She blinked, trying to process his fast words. When she finally computed them, her eyes immediately welled with tears.
“Oh, no, Mom, please- please don't cry,” his voice cracked as he frantically spoke. “I’m sorry. I'm still me, y’know, I- I just—” Before he could finish, his cheeks were being cupped into his mother's hands.
“Don't apologize. Never apologize. Not for this. It’s okay, baby. I've know. These- these are good tears, I promise.” She enveloped him in a bone-crushing hug. “I love you, Drake, so, so much. Every part of you.” Her voice was thick with emotion as she felt his back shake a bit, beneath her hands.
Slowly, he wrapped his own arms around Audrey in turn and pressed his forehead against her shoulder. “I love you too, Momma.”
They stayed like that, holding each other, long enough for Josh to worry and walk back into the room.
“Oh,” Josh’s voice broke through. They both turned to him. “It went well, then.”
Drake nodded, wiping his face with his sleeve.
“I told you,” Josh beamed. “Hug me, brotha’!”
Audrey watched the display and felt lighter.
When Drake came home for the summer, he brought his roommate, Malik, with him. A young, polite, handsome gentleman with bantu knots, a wide smile, and the kindest eyes she’s ever seen.
He removed his hand from Drake’s and extended it towards her, shaking her hand. “I'm Malik,” he said, his voice light. “Drake’s boyfriend. It’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am.”
“The pleasure is mine,” Audrey replied, happiness radiating in her voice. “Really.”