Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

"...me…"

"...Help…"

"...Help me."

"I've been locked up by a demon."

"You're my only hope, help me get out of here."

"I beg of you, please find me."

— — —

Congratulations!

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at the Royal Academy of Diavolo.

Please return this letter with your signature to confirm your participation.

We are looking forward to welcoming you as part of our new exchange program.

Yours sincerely,

Diavolo

—

To be utterly and most sincerely honest, I don't really read the letter I've just opened. I see the word "accepted," notice a signature line, sign while I'm thinking about it, and put it to the side. That's the first acceptance letter I've gotten from any of the schools I've applied to. I don't remember which it is, but I may not have a choice. Finding a school that'll accept college dropouts into a library science program is hard.

I lean back and lazily use the clicker on my pen to lift and count the remaining envelopes in front of me. I heave a sigh.

Something rustles next to me. I glance over at the one-letter "acceptance" pile to see the freshly signed paper shaking. The ink is beginning to glow. My signature flares bright before bursting into flames, singeing it into the paper.

I'm a spiritual person, and besides that I know my fairytales. Inundated as I am with the general rules of the supernatural, my first impulse, honest to god, is something like: "Welp. I already signed it. I'm fucked."

My follow-up impulses are the more typical ones. Like "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON," "HOW IS THIS HAPPENING," "THIS CAN'T BE REAL," and "WHO THE HELL SENT THIS."

Adrenaline kicks in. I get up and kind of run in place for a second, flapping my hands. I reach out and carefully tap the letter. It doesn't immediately burn me or anything, so I grab the paper in one hand and run for the stove, where I have a kettle on.

My first two steps I take across the kitchen floor. My second two I take in an unfamiliar room. I pull up short with a yelp. The new space is vast and dark. The full moon looms enormous outside the gothic windows, like a comet about to strike the earth. Looking around, I appear to be in some kind of antiquated, candle-lit courtroom. There's several men looking my way. 

The man in the seat of the chief judge starts to speak. "Welcome to the Devildom, Claire!" He's tall and broad, with rusty hair and ruddy skin.

I stare up at him, jaw dropped.

"Oh, pardon me. Feeling a bit shocked, are we?"

My throat creaks like a coffin. "I-"

"Well, that's understandable. You've only just arrived, after all. As a human, it will probably take a little while for you to adjust to things here in Devildom."

"D-Devildom?" I stammer.

"Yes, exactly, the Devildom. I see that you catch on quickly. Excellent. I suppose I should start by introducing myself.  My name is Diavolo. I am the ruler of all demons, and all here know of me. And someday soon, I will be crowned king of the Devildom."

I look at the paper in my hand. It's been crumpled in my death grip. I smooth it out and read it more carefully. Ohhhhh, fuck me.

Diavolo gestures behind me. I turn around to see a wide window looking over a vast kingdom. I cross slowly over to stare out.

"This is the Royal Academy of Diavolo," he says, "Though we just call it RAD."

This is fucking absurd.

"You're standing inside the assembly hall, the very heart of RAD. This is where we officers of the student council hold our meetings and conduct our business. I'm the president of said council."

"Uh, th-there, there must be some mistake," I stammer. "Hi. Sorry. Um. I didn't apply here…"

"I will explain everything to you," says a different man. This one is pale and lean, with jet black hair.

"Claire, this is Lucifer," says Diavolo. "He is a demon and the Avatar of Pride."

"Um, I'm- I'm s-sorry, THE Lucifer?" I ask. "F-f-first of the fallen? The morning star? That guy?"

"The very one!" Diavolo exclaims cheerfully. "He's also the vice president of the student council and my right-hand man…and not just in title, I assure you. Beyond that, he's also my most trusted friend."

"Flattery will get you nowhere, Diavolo," sighs Lucifer.

I stumble forward and lean on the back of the nearest chair, dazed. This has to be some kind of weird, surrealist dream. Not accidentally ending up in another plane, that's…that's something I've spent my whole life subconsciously preparing for, even if I never thought it would really happen. No, what I'm having trouble believing is that Devildom has some kind of fetish for Japanese high school culture.

"Lucifer is…on the student council," I say weakly, eyes glazed over.

"Speaking on behalf of the entire student body at this great and storied school of ours, I offer you a most heartfelt welcome, Claire," says Lucifer. Or, the guy who says he's Lucifer. 

I gag, pressing my hand over my mouth, then steady my breathing and look up. He's stepped much closer to me. I look him up and down suspiciously.

"I…I didn't apply here," I repeat. "I'm- I'm trying to get into a, uh, a library science program. One that doesn't require a bachelor's degree?"

"...Interesting," says Lucifer. "This one is quite different from Solomon."

Like, King Solomon? Second in the Line of David? Tamer of Seventy-Two Demons? Or is this a different, unrelated Solomon?

"Diavolo believes that we demons should start strengthening our relationship with both the human world and the Celestial Realm," Lucifer continues. "As a first step toward this goal, we've decided to institute an exchange program."

My head is spinning. I pull out the chair and plop heavily into it, hoping nobody will mind.

"We've sent two of our students to the human world and two to the Celestial Realm," he says, "And we're welcoming four students to our school: two from your world and two from the Celestial Realm. So, I take it you've probably put two and two together at this point: you've been chosen from among the people of the human world to participate in this program of ours. You are our newest exchange student. Your period of stay is one year. You will have to work on the tasks that you will receive from RAD. After one year, you will write a paper about your exchange here in the Devildom."

"Oh, a- a year?" Relief washes through me. "Okay! I can- I can do a year. I'm, uh, p-p-pretty bad at wr-writing papers, though, um- what format? MLA? APA? What's the, uh, what's the length re-re-requirement?" My subconscious is screaming at me that this is all fucking ridiculous, but the rest of me is frantically trying to maintain some level of normalcy. This is shit that I'm used to. As long as we're talking about this, I have at least a semblance of control.

"I am not telling you to write a doctoral thesis. You can take it easy."

Lucifer knows what a doctoral thesis is. Sure. Why the fuck not.

"Don't look at me like that. It's not like I will abandon you all by yourself here in the Devildom. You need someone to look after you, and I think that someone should be my brother Mammon."

"MAMMON?" I sputter. "As in- as in, 'you cannot serve both God and-'"

"Indeed. He's the Avatar of Greed and…how should I put it…? Oh well, you'll understand soon enough."

I brace my elbow on the table and lean my head into my hand. An object slides into my frame of view, pushed by an elegant glove. It looks like a smartphone.

"Here, take this device," says Lucifer. "It's called a DDD. It's a lot like the cell phones of your world. This will be yours to use for as long as you're here. Now, go ahead and try calling Mammon with it."

Yeah. Sure. Okay. This is what we're doing right now. Weakly, I pick up the phone and stare at the screen. I already have a missed call. From Mammon.

"Alright. Just gonna. Hit up Mamōnas. On my phone," I murmur. I tap the contact and lift the phone to my ear.

"Yoooo," says a disaffected sounding voice on the other end.

I roll my eyes to look up at the ceiling, blinking back tears. My life is a nightmare. "Yoooo," I echo back, voice cracking a little. What the fuck else am I supposed to do?

"Are ya foolin' around? Who the hell are ya?"

"I'm, uh, a human," I say, then pinch the bridge of my nose and rub the corners of my eyes. "I'm a human."

"Whaaa? A human? Geez, I was gettin' all chilly here thinkin' it was Lucifer again. Ya should've told me right away. So, what business does a human got with THE Mammon?"

I want to laugh hysterically. I want to sob hysterically. I must be having some kind of mental break. "Uuuhhhh," I say, voice wavering, "apparently you're gonna be in charge of me or some shit?" I freeze and look up at Lucifer. Mammon's casual way of talking is making my tongue loosen. I cover the receiver and mouth "sorry."

Lucifer just shrugs and waves his hand as if batting the profanity out of the air. He gestures to the phone.

"No way," says Mammon. "There's nothin' in it for me. Whaddya even mean by 'be in charge of you?' AH! I get it now, you're the other human–the new exchange student! G'luck with that, and see ya."

I glance up at Lucifer, confused, then frown at the table. "B-but Lucifer said you were gonna…"

"Pfft, whatever. Ya think THE Mammon would listen to ya just 'cause you're tryin' to scare me with that name?"

I blink, stunned, but Lucifer reaches down casually and takes the phone from my hand. "You've got ten seconds," he says into it. "Nine…eight…"

"YESSIR!" I hear Mammon squawk. Then the line goes dead.

"Sounds like you had a nice chat," says Lucifer.

"He seems…reliable," I say weakly.

"...You really think so?" Lucifer asks.

"N-no, that was-"

"Well," Diavolo interrupts, "if you were suddenly brought to a strange place and then get told that an unfamiliar face will now take care of you, you'd certainly feel anxious. However, Mammon isn't the only one to help you out. Now then…we still need to introduce our new friend to your brothers, Lucifer. And it's probably better that you do that instead of me, wouldn't you say?"

"Yes…as much as I dread the idea of doing so, you're right," sighs Lucifer.

"Oh, come now. Really?" asks a husky alto voice. "You should be honored that you get to introduce such a sweet and charming little brother like me."

The speaker is an androgynous looking twink with amber eyes and painted nails. He winks at me.

"This one here is Asmodeus," says Lucifer. "He's the fifth eldest. He is the Avatar of Lust."

"Uh-huh," I squeak.

Asmodeus scowls at Lucifer. "Hey, don't ignore me! How DARE you refer to me as 'this one?'"

"Hmph. At least he didn't pass you over altogether. How do you think I feel?" asks another, a blonde.

"That one there is Satan, the fourth eldest of us," says Lucifer. "At first glance, he may seem like a responsible demon with a good head on his shoulders, but looks can be deceiving."

"Aha, so I'm that one, am I?" asks Satan. His smile doesn't reach his electric green eyes. "Nice to meet you, Claire. I am Satan, the Avatar of Wrath."

"N-nice to meet you," I manage, nodding.

"He may flash you a pretty smile like that, but you had better be careful because it is all an act."

I blink, trying to calculate how I should respond.

"If you continue saying such nonsense, you'll just scare Claire," says Satan. But it's true. A shiver goes down my spine. His actions are too restrained, his words too breezy. It's all a thin veneer over something else. He turns to me and seems to ripple with passive-aggressive energy, rage barely contained. "Don't take him too seriously, Claire. Lucifer enjoys speaking ill of his brothers. He is the Avatar of Pride, after all."

Lucifer sighs. "Are you done?"

Dear God. Not only is all of this completely fucking off-the-walls absurd, but I have to sit here with what seems like the world's worst dinner table and try not to appear like I'm taking any sides.

"Now, the one there with the very grumpy look on his face is Beelzebub. He's the sixth oldest."

"The- the L-Lord of the Flies?" I stammer.

The enormous red-headed Demon scowls. "Lucifer, I'm hungry."

"That's too bad," says Lucifer, dismissing him out of hand. "Now behave yourself."

Those black eyes turn to me. "I'm Beelzebub, the Avatar of Gluttony," he sighs miserably.

"So, there are seven of us brothers in all, and I am the eldest," says Lucifer. "Mammon, the second oldest of us, will be here soon. My other brothers aren't here at the moment, but…well, we can get to them later. All in good time."

"During your stay in the Devildom, the seven brothers will lend you their strength," says Diavolo. "To keep you safe, you are to stay with them at the House of Lamentation."

"T-to keep me safe?" I repeat.

"Most agree with Diavolo, but that doesn't mean that there aren't vulgar demons out there who would harm you," says Lucifer. "If anything were to happen to you, it would be our responsibility, and I won't betray Diavolo's expectations. So, I will do everything in my power to make sure you survive your stay down here in the devildom."

I swallow hard.

"Although we will all be living together," Lucifer continues, "you should still have the means to reach us at any given time." He gestures to my phone. "All of our phone numbers are already in there, and your D.D.D. also has a messaging app. Make sure to add all of us."

"I'll go ahead and send you a message!" Diavolo exclaims, then pulls out a smartphone. I feel dizzy.

"Isn't that nice, Claire?" asks Satan. "Now you will be friends with the future king of the Devildom!"

My phone buzzes and I look down. I have a text from Diavolo.

- This is my account.

- Feel free to send me a message at any time.

[Angry Sticker]

- Oh sorry.

- I haven't gotten used to this yet.

- You see, Lucifer is the only demon who sends me messages.

[Happy Sticker]

- That's the one I wanted to send you!

I look up at Diavolo. He's smiling at his phone expectantly. I look back down, shaking my head gently, and select a sticker with "Thanks" on it.

I immediately get a sticker back that says "Whoo!" with a little demon creature dancing.

I have some messages from the others, but I ignore them for now. I turn off my phone screen.

"Well, you've got that done now, and it seems the idiot has arrived as well," says Lucifer, as footsteps rapidly approach the main door.

A golden-skinned, white-haired boy bursts into the room and immediately points at me. "HEY! Just who do you think you are, human? You've got a lotta nerve summoning The Great Mammon! Listen up, because I'm only gonna say this once. If you value your life, then you'll hand over all of your money now! And anything else of value, too! Otherwise I'll wipe that stupid, happy-go-lucky look right off of your face…by eatin' you! Startin' at your head and working my way down, until–"

"Mammon, shut up or I'll punch you!" Lucifer snaps, punching him.

"GAH, OWW! Hey, what's the big idea? I thought you were gonna actually give me a chance to shut up before punching me!"

"Claire, Mammon here is the Avatar of Greed," Satan explains. "He governs and oversees all forms of it. Whenever he takes a liking to someone, they suddenly find themselves awash in money. But from what I hear, if he decides to break it off with someone, that wealth evaporates. They're left without a Grimm to their name."

"And he's also a masochist," says Asmodeus. "That part's important."

I feel my face heat up.

"Indeed," says Lucifer. "And it just so happens I have a job for my masochist of a brother."

"Y'all, stop telling lies! I ain't asked for that punch, and I AIN'T a masochist!" Mammon snaps.

"Mammon, you are going to be in charge of seeing to this human's needs during the whole exchange," says Lucifer. "I expect your full cooperation."

"What? Why me?" Mammon demands.

"Aww, lucky you, Mammon!" Asmodeus coos. "I'm so jealous…" He winks at me. 

I pull up my hood and sink down into my chair.

"All right, then why don't YOU do it, Asmodeus?" asks Mammon.

"What?" Asmodeus asks, blinking wide. "Hell no. Too lazy."

"But you just said-"

"Just give up, Mammon," says Satan. "There's no getting out of this. You know you can't refuse a direct command from Lucifer, correct?"

"But why does it have to be me? What about Beel? Why can't he do it?"

"This isn't a job we can entrust to Beel. We might as well ask him to eat this human," says Asmodeus.

My eyes widen. I glance at Beelzebub out of the corner of my eye.

Beelzebub nods nonchalantly. "Mm, yeah. I can't promise I wouldn't."

"You're useless, you know that?" Mammon groans.

"Mammon?" says Lucifer, calm as anything.

"Wh-what?"

Lucifer is suddenly radiating the same aura of barely contained rage that Satan so skillfully displayed earlier. "Surely you're not going to tell me that you object to this arrangement, are you?"

Mammon flinches and looks around for support. When none comes, he groans. "Ugh…I hate you guys! Every last one of ya! Fine, FINE! I'll do it, okay?"

He marches up to me and slams his hand onto the table in front of me. "All right, human, listen up. As much as I don't want to look after you, I've got no choice. It's a huge pain in the ass, and I'm too important for this kind of thing, but Lucifer told me to do it, so I will. But in return, you better make sure you don't cause me any trouble, got it?"

I don't know what to say, so I remain silent, blinking up at him like an idiot.

"Hello? Earth to human!" Mammon snaps his fingers in my face, making me flinch. "Seriously, what's wrong with this one?"

"We have decided who will take care of you, so on to the next subject: your tasks," says Lucifer.

"Tasks?" I echo.

"Good question," says Lucifer. "Your task is to polish up your soul nicely and to acquire the power to resist demons."

I blink. "Oh! It's- okay to resist, then?"

"Demons like humans with nice souls," Lucifer explains. "Let me put it another way. Nice souls look like shiny jewels. Do you understand now? Demons will use their wisdom and abilities to tempt the humans so they can get their hands on their souls."

I nod.

"Other demons at RAD also have tasks assigned to them just like you.  In other words, either humans will be tempted by demons, or demons will lose against the shiny and noble soul of a human and make a run for it. You could say it is an experiment to find out who will win."

"Wh-what happens if I lose?" I ask.

"There is no penalty set. Would you like me to think of one?" asks Lucifer.

I stare at him with wide eyes.

"There, there, don't give me that look," says Lucifer. "Don't take it so seriously. You won't have to do those tasks on your own. After all, you don't have any magic in you unlike the other exchange student from the human world…"

A sorcerer?

"...so my brothers and I will lend our power to you and you alone. With that, my explanation has come to a close."

"I wanna make one thing clear right now: Don't blame me if someone gets eaten, 'cause it ain't my fault," says Mammon.

"Lucifer, I'm hungry," says Beelzebub.

"That's too bad. Now, behave yourself."

Beelzebub sighs, forlorn.

I'm flipping through my phone. I can see my list of tasks, along with an app that claims to be a grimoire for summoning various aspects of the brother's power. "This…okay, this isn't- none of this is actually...real, right?" I ask, looking up. "I'm dreaming, right?"

"Well, you're certainly free to believe that if you'd like," says Diavolo. "However, I should probably go ahead and make one thing clear now. This is not the sort of dream you'll be able to wake yourself up from. Claire, from now on you will be living in the House of Lamentation. You'll be staying there with Lucifer and his six younger brothers. Humans, angels, demons, I imagine a universe where each accepts the other. Where we are brought together as friends. This is my dream, and I'm asking you to be the foundation for it. One year, that's what I ask of you. Good luck, Claire."

— — —

"Ugh, I don't believe this," Mammon is ranting as he leads me to the House of Lamentation. "Of all the rotten luck…Why should I have to look after some human? It's insulting, that's what it is! That rotten bastard…Does he really think he can scare me into doin' whatever he wants?"

He stops up short and suddenly turns around to face me. "Just so we're clear, it's not like I can't say no to Lucifer, okay?" he clarifies. "I only agreed to babysit you because, um… Well, you know, because…uh…Anyway, it doesn't matter! Just don't go thinking that I"m scared of Lucifer or anything! Because I'm not!"

Dumb, hot, and masochistic. If he weren't the most irritating bastard on the planet, this guy would be my ideal man. "Honestly, I don't really care," I say with a shrug.

"WHAT? Oh, now you're REALLY in for it! …Although, come to think of it, I'm surprised you've got the guts to talk to me like that. You're not scared? I mean, I'm a DEMON. You do get that, right?"

Honestly, I'm not convinced. Sure, scripture alludes to the Celestial War and the banishment of the Seven Brothers to Devildom. But the demons outlined in scripture are not to be trifled with. They're terrifying, utterly other. There are sorcerers who can conjure them, but it's extremely dangerous.

I actually saw a summoning once. A friend of mine who transferred to a magic school invited me and some of our other friends to their graduation party. Some of our peers got curious, and there, in the basement, my friend had drawn the circle and called forth a Lesser Demon. It felt like the world, the sense of reality that I'd taken for granted for my entire life, was nothing more than saran wrap, and with a simple spell a fingertip had pushed and punctured the thin plastic. Space itself warped and split and out had crawled a creature that seemed to be made of tar. Despite being bound, it had seemed smug, amused. "You are children," it had said, with a voice like the bass in your feet at a concert. It had licked its lips.

My sorcerer friend was apparently long used to spirits like that. They laughed it off and ordered it to do a few tricks before dismissing it. I couldn't sleep for weeks. Its words haunted me.

THAT'S what demons are like. Terrifying beings from a plane beyond. Forces of Chaos and the Id, on an opposite plane to the Ordered Super-Ego being of the Celestial Plane. Part of the Creator's Great Machine, but a different class of being altogether.

They don't look like this. They don't act like this. They don't wear school uniforms, they don't run student councils, and they don't host exchange programs. These people can't expect me to believe that a Greater Demon, an Avatar, one of the Seven Fallen, is some scrawny guy in hipster glasses?

I shrug again.

"...Hmph," Mammon grumbles. "You're one strange human, I'll give ya that. Ugh, whatever. Lets' move on."

He opens the door for me, backing in and spreading his arms. "This is the House of Lamentation. It's one of the dorms here at RAD. Well, it's not JUST one of the dorms. It's the dorm reserved for student council members. Lucifer, Asmo, and the others take every chance they can get to insult me. Callin' me scum, sayin' that I'm a money-grubber and stuff, but I'm an officer on the student council, same as them. The elite of the elite, the TOP of the RAD social pyramid. In other words, I'm a big shot. A REAL big shot. Like, even regular big shots are impressed by what a big shot I am. So don't you go thinking that I'm just some ordinary demon. I'm nothing like those other peons walking the halls here."

I didn't think people this stupid actually existed. I'm almost impressed.

"By the way," Mammon continues, "Diavolo is even MORE of a big shot. He's so important that he's got his own castle. That's why he doesn't live here with us, even though he's on the student council. So it's just us seven brothers all living here together. And now you, I guess." He starts climbing one of the two sweeping staircases, which connect to the same balcony. "Come on, I'll show you to your room."

There's a bulletin board. I pause to look at it. One of the flyers is advertising an opening for a part-time position.

"Hey, don't just stand there with your jaw open. Hurry up, or I'm gonna leave ya behind. If there's something you wanna ask me, you'd best do it now."

I point weakly at the bulletin board. "There's um. There's a, uh, a job listing here."

"Huh? If you're curious about that, you can READ the flyer on the bulletin board, can't ya? Go take a look at it yourself later if you want."

I have never wanted to strangle somebody so badly in my entire life. I follow him up the stairs and into the hallway.

"Now, I'm gonna give you a piece of advice, so listen up," says Mammon. "If you wanna survive even a day here in the Devildom, you'd better listen REAL close to what I'm about to say. If it ever looks like a demon is about to attack you, run away. Either that, or die."

"Excellent advice, Mammon," says a voice from further down the hallway. Another young man walks up angrily, this one with a shaggy purple bowl cut. "Which option are YOU gonna pick? I vote die."

Mammon flinches, turning to look at him. "D'ah! Levi!"  He glances back at me, then gestures to him like a showman. "…Uh, l-listen up, human! This here is Leviathan, the Avatar of Envy. He's the third oldest of us brothers. Since his name's sorta hard to say, you can just call him Levi. Okay then, let's move on!"

Mammon starts to walk off under the pretense of continuing the tour, but Levi grabs his arm. "Mammon, give me back my money. Then go crawl in a hole and die."

"Don’t you mean ‘or?’”

“I mean ‘THEN.’”

“Come on, I told you I'd get it to you! I just need a little more time!"

"You need a little more time? How much more?"

"A little more, okay? A little more means a little more!"

"You've been telling me that for the last two hundred years, Mammon."

Mammon mistakes my look. "Hey, no! It hasn't been two hundred years!" he says, indignant. "It's been two hundred and sixty. Get it right."

"Unbelievable," says Leviathan. "Seriously, Mammon, you're-"

"I'm what? Scum? Is that what you're gonna say?"

"A lowlife and a waste of space."

"That's even worse!"

'Whatever. Just give me back my money. I need it to buy the Blu-ray box set of Journey to the Devildom: The tale of a Little She-Devil and Her Reluctant Companion. The initial round of copies includes promotional tickets to a live event as a special bonus."

Is that. Is that an anime? Where the hell am I?

"I have no idea what you're even talking about, Levi, but it doesn't matter! Because I don't even have money to give you. How am I supposed to give back money I don't have, huh?"

"So you're telling me you refuse to pay me back?" asks Levi.

"What? You looking for a fight, is that it?"

This shit is none of my business. I start to tiptoe carefully backwards, away from the argument brewing.

"Listen, human!" Mammon calls, making me freeze. "You remember my advice from before about what to do when demons attack? Well, it's time to see that in action, so get ready to die!"

"Didn't you say it was either die or-" Levi starts.

Mammon runs away as fast as he possibly can. 

"Mammon! Goddammit! Get back here!" Levi shouts after him.

"IF IT'S YOU OR ME, HUMAN, THEN IT AIN'T GONNA BE ME!" he calls back to me.

"That asshole," Levi spits.

I turn to look at him awkwardly.

"Hey. Don't you realize what just happened?" he asks me. "Mammon sacrificed you to get away from me. I know he's one of the scummiest scumbags you'll ever meet, but still, that was pretty dumb of you to let him use you like that."

I shrug.

Levi sighs. "This is exactly why humans are- Wait a second. Humans! That's it!" He turns to me, something glinting in his strange yellow eyes. "Listen, are you free right now? Of course you are. You've gotta be, right? You know what? Never mind. You're coming with me."

I get a text and look down. It's from Mammon.

- Heya, I suddenly remembered I have some business I gotta take care of. So, if ya need something, just ask Levi.

[Winking Sticker]

- Oh, and don't go around tellin' stuff to Lucifer, ya got that?

[Scary Sticker.]

I roll my eyes and send back a picture of someone shaking their head. Mammon then sends a sticker of a growling wolf. I'd laugh if I weren't so pissed off. I shove my phone back into my pocket, ignoring him.

Levi takes me into his room. I look around. There's a pretty cool underwater theme to this place, complete with an aquarium so big it takes up one wall, an entire ceiling lit up from behind to create the illusion of the surface above, and jellyfish hanging from the ceiling. The immersion is slightly broken by the anime posters and figurines everywhere. He has a sick, triple-monitor gaming computer, though, outfitted with huge surround-sound speakers in the corners of his room.

I'm still not sure whether or not these guys are actually demons, but it's clear that they're filthy rich.

There's no bed, but there is a big clawfoot tub in the middle of the room. I cross over to peek inside and find bedding. Does…does this motherfucker sleep in a bathtub?

Levi looks around carefully before closing the door. I look at him warily and take a step back. He notes my suspicion.

"What?" he asks offended. "Isn't it obvious? Imagine what would happen if someone saw me inviting you into my room? You know what people would say, right?"

"That we're fucking?" I ask.

"What?" Leviathan blushes so red that it's comical. "Of course not! That's crazy! There's room in my heart for only one person, and she's animated! I'll always stay faithful to my dear, sweet Ruri-chan, always!"

I glance back into the tub. Inside is a body pillow with an anime girl printed on it.

"They'd say that I'm totally lame!" Levi snaps. "Look at you! I can't be seen with you."

I blink at him, then point at myself. "I- because I'm lame?"

"Yeah! You're such a fucking normie, you'll totally kill my vibe!"

Did- did he just call me a normie with a straight face? I clap one hand over my mouth and try desperately not to burst out laughing. To distract myself, I turn my attention to the bookshelves. They're packed with thick, hardcover books as big as encyclopedias. The Tale of the Seven Lords: The Lord of Shadow Awakens, one of them reads.

"What is it, human?" asks Levi. "What are you looking at? Wait- The Tale of the Seven Lords ?" This young man positively lights up, leaning in towards me. "Are you a fan, too?"

"I- not yet," I stammer, "Never heard of it before, but it looks like the s-s-sorta thing I'd be, uh, into…"

Levi looks at me like I've just drooled onto my shirt. "Did you just say you've never heard of TSL? Just how clueless ARE you? Did you grow up under a rock or something? Now I know that you've been wasting your life." 

I roll my eyes. 

"I'm gonna do you a favor right now and teach you, so make sure you pay attention," says Levi.

I perk up instantly. He's gonna infodump to me? Maybe this awkward boy isn't so bad after all.

" The Tale of the Seven Lords , commonly abbreviated as TSL, is a series of fantasy novels written by Christopher Peugeot. It's a heroic epic spanning one hundred and thirty-eight volumes, and it's the most widely-read fantasy series in the world. There are even theatrical versions, an animated series, and feature films, too. And it's been translated into a total of one hundred and eighty-two different languages. The 1990's theatrical version was an utter disaster, owing to the fact that they added several characters what were NOT present in the original manuscript. At the time I was like, 'This producer totally needs to crawl in a hole and die.' But then the 2015 version came out, and it was AMAZING! Better than amazing! If you asked me, it showed that needlessly cramming a female lead in there alongside Henry was a bad idea. That's not what he needs. What he NEEDS is a friend who really understands him, and the 2015 version proved that. Also, the most vital element of the story is that each of the seven lords is so unique. They're all so interesting in their own peculiar way. That's what makes TSL so great! The Lords are all brothers. The oldest is called the Lord of Corruption. He doesn't come across as being so bad at first, but he's always plotting and planning in secret. The second Lord is the Lord of Fools, a scumbag who'll do anything for money. The third oldest is called the Lord of Shadow, a brooding recluse. The fourth oldest is known as the Lord of Masks. He masquerades as a high-status, upstanding member of society, but underneath it all, he's an inhumane monster. The fifth oldest, the Lord of Lechery, only ever thinks of sex. The sixth oldest is the Lord of the Flies, and he only ever thinks of food.Then there's the seventh oldest, called the Lord of Emptiness. He's weird…you never know what's running through his head. It seems most people like the oldest lord, the Lord of Corruption, the best. Everyone always talks about how great he is. But not me. I like the third lord way more. Of course, I like Henry too. He's the protagonist. He's almost as great as the third lord. The second lord is total scum, a hopeless degenerate that leads a life of extravagance and indulgence. He's always causing trouble for the third lord. He's got these magical pigs that can give birth to solid gold piglets, and he treasures them above all else. So Henry goes and talks to the pigs, and using his wit and powers of persuasion, he convinces them to leave with him. Then, he leads every last one of them away, and presents them to the third lord as a gift! Wow…I mean, they're such good friends you can almost feel it! Sometimes it almost makes me cry! Like, there's this one really awesome moment when the two of them realize they both like and respect each other, and they high-five! I just LOVE that part, you know? I wish I could have a moment like that."

Jesus Fucking Christ. First of all, the…familiar sounding descriptions of the Lords has piqued my interest. Could the author have been inspired by the Seven Avatars? Was he prophetic, somehow? Almost more concerning to me, though, is that the longer Levi talks, the more assured I am that he is: A) very autistic, and B) desperately fucking lonely.

"I wish I could be like the third lord," he sighs, leaning back against the wall. "I may be a recluse like him, but we're totally different, because he's got an amazing friend like Henry. Check it out. See that goldfish in the tank there?"

I turn and look at the fish tank. All of the space in it appears to belong to a single goldfish, who's swimming along without a thought behind its little eyes.

"He's actually named Henry. I love TSL so much that I couldn't help naming him after the main character. But I can't really high-five a goldfish, can I?"

What is bro ON about?

"The original author of TSL, Christopher Peugeot, he's actually a human, you know? That's why I'm so jealous of you guys. Humans are so lucky. You've got subscription services that let you watch your favorite anime anytime, you can go to Akihabara whenever you want… Why do only you guys get to experience all the good stuff? I mean, humans' whole concept of pleasure originally came from the demons, you know? We gave it to you. So, why can't we have a little of that back now, huh? I mean, I want to be able to go to a Japanese maid cafe, too! I want to hear the maids welcome me as if I'm the master of the house, to have them draw ketchup hearts on my fried rice omelette, to experience the magic of it all. I want to cosplay as Henry, and then go stand in the center of Akihabara, or maybe under that one building in Tokyo that's shaped like upside down triangles. And once I'm there, I want to perform Henry's super powerful signature finishing move for all to see and say the incantation that goes with it. I want to shout it at the top of my lungs! …Actually, you know what? I want to BE Henry!"

My pity has been entirely replaced by wild discomfort. I just keep nodding and debate on texting Lucifer or Mammon. I mean, I guess it could be worse. He doesn't seem to be the lecherous kind of otaku, just the closeted kind. It's giving "egg."

Oh god, he's waiting for me to say something.

"Uh…that's not…really possible," I say awkwardly. I tend to be bluntly honest when I'm caught off-guard.

To my surprise, though, Levi just deflates sadly. "I know that. But still, I'm free to fantasize about whatever I want, now aren't I?" He pauses, panting for breath. "...Guess I've done a little too much talking. My throat hurts. All right, enough. This is starting to depress me."

I nod. This guy really doesn't seem to understand boundaries, but I want to be patient with him.

"Anyway," he says, "I didn't bring you here to tell you about TSL."

I nod understandingly. Sometimes the infodump possesses you.

"I don't think there's any harm in just coming out and saying what you already know is true: Mammon is a complete and utter scumbag.  It's very important that you understand this. So I'll say it one more time. Mammon is a HOPELESS, WORTHLESS, SCUMBAG." He crosses his arms. "I lent that scumbag money, and now I want him to pay me back. But being the scumbag that he is, he won't do it. I wish I could force him to, but despite what a rotten waste of space he is, Mammon's still the second oldest.  As the third oldest, no matter how hard I try, I don't stand a chance against him."

So their birth order corresponds to their power. The older ones can lord over the others as much as they like, and the others can't do anything about it. Goddamn these guys are dysfunctional.

"How did all this start, anyway?" I ask.

"Well, it's a long story, but sure. I'll tell you, human. Once, a long time ago, Mammon won a prize in a convenience store promotional campaign. If you bought something, they let you reach into a box and pull out a piece of paper that told you what you'd won. And the prize Mammon won was a Seraphina figurine, something I would've died to have. But, despite the fact that Mammon had no interest in it at all, he refused to give it to me. Just because I wanted it. That's it. That was the only reason. I wanted it, and he said no just to torment me."

"Damn."

"I KNOW! So, I got to thinking, 'Mammon's going to end up treating Seraphina like some random piece of junk. That much is a given. I can maybe handle it if he at least leaves her in the original packaging, but what if he actually takes her out of the box? He might just do it! And if he does, he'll get dust on her, won't he?' I decided I had to save Seraphina, so I snuck into Mammon's room in the middle of the night. And what do you think I saw there?"

I shrug. 

"You're not gonna believe it. He didn't open the box. It's way worse than that. He hadn't even taken it out of the plastic convenience store bag, which he'd tossed on the floor of his room. THE FLOOR! He actually left SERAPHINA on the FLOOR! The Queen of the High Elves Herself! Sure, she seems cold and prideful at first, but once you get her alone, you find out that she really wants affection, she just doesn't know how to admit it, and it's soooo cute! Yet Mammon just threw her on the floor! And I don't think he'd cleaned it in three months. It was covered in junk. Old empty cup ramen containers and used tissues. Stuff was strewn everywhere. And there she was, lying there amongst all that! On the FLOOR! Tossed aside like so much junk! How COULD he?"

I'm starting to think that all of these guys might suck.

"It was so awful that I just lost it, and flew into a rage. I walked straight over to Mammon, who was lying on his bed asleep. Then I raised my leg up into the air over him and brought my heel down onto his stomach as hard as I could. But the next thing I knew, he wasn't there on the bed anymore. It all happened so fast. He moved with incredible speed. He grabbed me, picked me up, and slammed me headfirst onto the floor in a pile driver. And the worst part is that he was STARK NAKED!"

I stifle a laugh in my hand so hard that my head throbs. Thankfully, he doesn't seem to notice.

"As I started to lose consciousness," Levi continues, gesturing towards the ceiling with a wistful look, "I remember thinking…why does he have to sleep in the nude? He could at least put on some underwear. I don't remember anything else after that…"

Oh god oh no-"DAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I cackle, holding my stomach and falling back into the bathtub. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OHMY- MY STOMACH- NO-"

Levi looks hurt for a moment, then livid moments later. "Are you laughing at me?" he demands, an angry flush on his cheeks. 

"NO!" I sniffle. "No no no no no, I just- ha! AHAHA! HA! I- your delivery- the-" I do my best to imitate his gesture towards the ceiling. "Oh my god- fuck…" I wipe tears of mirth out of my eyes, stray giggles still tumbling out. "No, I'm laughing at the story! It's funny! You're a good storyteller, Levi."

Levi blushes even harder.

"Hee hee hee…" I gather up tears off my eyelashes with my finger and flick them away. "Naked…"

"A-anyway," Levi huffs, looking away, "You've seen just how fast he is yourself, haven't you? No one aside from Lucifer or Beel has that kind of speed. But if, say, a human made a pact with Mammon, and bound him to their service…then he'd have to do whatever that human told him to. Which means that you make a pact with Mammon and then ordered him to give me back my money…"

"Then he'd be compelled to do it."

"Exactly."

"What's a pact?" I ask.

"A pact, with a demon…Haven't you seen that in movies and such?"

"Accounts differ," I say with a shrug.

"The cliche, I mean. You know, the demon lends his strength to a human to make their wish come true in exchange for their soul."

"Oh. Faust. I can't do that, then, I'm sorry. I won't sell my soul."

"That isn't always necessary!" says Levi. "It depends on the terms of the pact. But, well, you need to give SOMETHING to the demon to make it worth the exchange, so it's pretty much inevitable. But if you don't want to give up your soul, then I can tell you how you can negotiate with Mammon. Also, I'm sure it would be useful having him as your servant. I mean, despite how awful he is, he's still a powerful demon. I bet you feel worried, being dragged down here and all, so I don't think it would end up being a bad deal for you, either. Right?"

"It would definitely be a big help," I say. I think for a bit longer. "You know what? Sure. Let's go for it."

"Are you that optimistic naturally, or are you too stupid to understand what you're getting into?" Levi snorts. "I don't really care what you think anyway. What's important is that I have a plan, and I'm going to explain it to you now. So shut up and listen."

I blink. "Wow. And you have NO idea why you don't have friends? None at all?"

"What?"

"Nothing. Continue."

"If you just walk up to Mammon and ask him to make a pact with you, he'll never agree," says Levi. "You need some leverage. A bargaining chip. You're going to offer him something in return, something he wants so badly that he'd do ANYTHING to get it…"