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You know those things that you don’t notice until it’s right in your face? They’re usually subtle, you don’t notice as they gradually become bigger. You don’t notice until you’re forced to notice.
Or maybe you don’t notice because you don’t exactly have the best attention to detail when it comes to trivial things. Your time is better spent on important things, like alchemy.
Meaning, Varian hadn’t noticed Ruddigers drastic weight gain until the poor thing was unable to even walk- reduced to a truly demeaning waddle. He never even climbed onto Varian’s shoulders anymore, content to simply sit in his cat bed and watch his companion from afar.
He noticed his pets poor state one morning as he woke up. Ruddiger was not laying in bed next to him, but rather curled up on a pile of clothes Varian swore he was going to clean up one day (he wasn’t.) He wondered why the poor thing hadn’t gone to sleep on the much more comfortable bed, with his beloved human, and began to contemplate the idea of Ruddiger being mad at him. He had been rather busy lately, his time no longer spent doting on the not-marsupial.
He patted his bed as a signal for Ruddiger to join him. The raccoon lifted his head and prepared to hop up, before deciding against it and choosing another pile of clothes to sleep on that Varian fully intended to clean up (no he didn’t.)
It was then that Varian realized how…massive Ruddiger looked. It truly looked as if he had swallowed a bowling ball. No wonder the poor thing didn’t want to hop up. Or even move.
“Bud, I told you to lay off the apple pie.”
___
“V, your raccoon is fat.” Kiera stated later that day as she and her sister barged into Varian’s lab unannounced and unwelcome.
Varian sighed as he ran a hand down his face and laid his head on his fist, crouched over his desk but facing his raccoon. “Yeah, I don’t know what happened. This isn’t normal for him. I’m kinda worried.”
“Maybe he’s depressed.” Catalina chimed in. “Or you’re over feeding him.” Kiera added.
“I think he’s being spoiled living in the palace. I’ve seen people- mostly Rapunzel, give him leftovers and scraps. And he’s not as active since the gardeners won’t let him play in the gardens outside.” Varian said, his attention now fully on his fat little raccoon friend.
“Do you think he’s okay?” Asked Catalina.
“I don’t know. Like I said, I’m kinda worried. He doesn’t move a whole lot anymore. I’m hoping he’ll slim down on his own, he’s always been pretty self-sufficient.”
Kiera hopped up onto Varian’s desk -which was full of his work mind you- and chimed in “yeah but if he’s not even moving how’s he gonna lose weight?”
Varian’s brow furrowed as he gave a look to his friend “I’m sure as he eats less he’ll lose weight.”
“Wanna try that again?” Kiera pointed to the raccoon who was happily indulging in some of the strawberry donuts from the basket Rapunzel brought down the day prior.
“Gah! Ruddiger no!” Varian exclaimed as he rushed over. He tried to yank the pastry from the raccoon before being hissed at and lightly bitten on the glove for his efforts.
“Ruddiger! Bad raccoon! Bad bad raccoon! I’m telling Rapunzel!” The young man grabbed his hand, which didn’t hurt, but the gesture was still comforting. It was more his ego that was bruised, as his two little sisters were laughing at him.
“Maybe getting Ruddiger to lose weight will be a little more difficult, since he doesn’t seem to care about it.” Varian mused as he walked over to his desk. “Not only is it bad for his mobility, but studies have shown that excessive weight gain can hinder your overall well-being. This could raise his blood pressure or give him heart disease, or it could hurt his back.”
“What studies? Are you just rounding up fat people to study them?”
“Shut up Kiera.”
Varian took an empty notebook and began to jot down his thoughts. He began to worry this morning, but now seeing that Ruddiger didn’t even care about his weight gain was even more troublesome. His poor friend could be in trouble!
“I need to think of ways to help him lose weight. And fast. He already looks like an overstuffed pierogi.”
Ruddiger chittered in offense.
“Maybe you could try putting him on a diet.” Catalina suggested. “Or forcing him to exercise.” Her sister joined. “Or maybe I could get to the root of exactly why he’s overeating…” the scientist added.
Ruddiger waddled over to Varian and butted his head against his leg, chittering angrily.
“It’s okay bud, we’re gonna help you, and you’ll feel better.” Varian reached his hand down and patted Ruddigers head. Catalina joined in, stroking the raccoon's soft fur. “Yeah we’re going to figure this out.” “Besides summers coming up, you gotta get that beach body to impress all the raccoon ladies, or gents.” Kiera added as she poked him in the side.
Varian had no idea a raccoon could look so exasperated. This was going to be more difficult than he thought.
___
“Experiment One- Dieting! The most fool-proof way to lose weight is to cut back on how much you eat. And the best way to do that is to skip eating junk food and go for more healthier options. Not only will our pre-planned diet cut back on how much he eats, but it should provide him with the proper nutrients and vitamins to help him live a much healthier lifestyle!”
Lance set down a plate in front of Ruddiger. In front of the raccoon was an assortment of vegetables and in-season fruits. Catalina sat down a plate full of cupcakes that were definitely not stolen from the kitchens, and rolls that definitely were.
“Okay Ruddy Buddy, which plate are you choosing?” Varian kneeled down, pen and journal in hand to document.
Ruddiger sniffed both plates, before deciding the roll looked the most filling and satisfying. He grabbed the baked good and waddled away to enjoy his treasure in peace.
“That’s your first mistake buddy, you gotta completely cut out the junk food. Of course if you give a raccoon a choice he’s not gonna choose healthy food!” Lance said as he chomped on the cupcake meant for the raccoon. “Heck, if you give me the choice, I’m not gonna choose healthy food.” Lance threw the plate of greens into the trash can.
Varian rolled his eyes “you should know better than to waste food Lance. Wait- you’re the one who yelled at me for throwing leftover turkey away!”
“I don’t like spinach.” He shrugged.
Varian smacked his hand against his face.
The next day, Varian went through his room and lab and got rid of all the unhealthy snacks he could find. He really appreciated Rapunzel’s attempts to keep him fully stocked on food lest he forget to eat, but they were all too unhealthy for Ruddiger, and he didn’t want his raccoon to get his hands (paws?) on them.
Varian began to prep Ruddigers meals. With the raccoon being far too round and heavy to hunt or even venture too far outside, he couldn’t hunt for his own food. Leaving Varian to provide for him.
Which worked in his favor, he could prep salads, sandwiches, anything he wanted. And he made sure to keep them as healthy, and as small in portion as possible.
Raccoons were omnivores, there was no reason for Ruddiger not to eat them.
Ruddiger did not eat them.
Varian wasn’t sure if he was protesting, or if he simply just hated the meals that Varian and Lance, had put together.
“I spent twenty minutes on that cucumber sandwich!” Lance moaned as Ruddiger turned his nose up at the meal.
“Yeah, he didn’t even eat the keto wrap I made for him yesterday.” Varian crossed his arms and watched as the raccoon waddled his way out of the kitchen, and into someone generous enough to feed him what he wanted’s heart.
Kiera chimed in from her place on the counter “look on the bright side, at least he isn’t eating as much.”
“Yeah but it’s been a week and he hasn’t lost any weight. If anything I think he’s gaining more weight. I think he’s just getting his food elsewhere.” Varian sighed, leaning down to eat the sandwich Ruddiger had discarded.
“Maybe you should try encouraging him. Tell him you’ll give him a treat if he eats a salad.”
“I tried that. He just called me a condescending prick.”
Lance gave him an incredulous look.
“I could see it in his eyes.”
Varian hopped onto the counter and flipped through his journal. He had tried multiple different ways to get Ruddiger to eat healthier. Mixing healthy and unhealthy foods, making healthy food look more appetizing, offering incentives, none of them worked. Ruddiger had only gained more weight. The only upside was that Varian’s diet had improved, as he often ate his raccoons leftovers.
“Maybe I should try just giving him the food he wants, but in smaller portions.”
“He’ll just sneak off and eat whatever he wants after. He’s a tricky little fellow, like you!”
Varian groaned as he had to accept that Lance was right. Ruddiger hadn’t even tried to participate in their attempts to help him eat healthier. It was like the raccoon rolled his eyes whenever Varian offered him food. He was worried he was failing his little buddy.
“Experiment One was a failure.”
Varian miserably wrote down the word ‘FAILURE’ in his notebook.
Lance laid a hand on his friend's shoulder “You’re a good Raccoon buddy, he’s lucky to have you. And I’m sure you’ll figure out how to help him get back to his regularly slim and svelte form!”
Varian smiled up at him.
“Even if right now your raccoon looks like a prize pig.”
Varian groaned.
___
Experiment Two- Exercise!
“All right everyone line up! Today you’ll be going through an obstacle course ~of my own design~ where you’ll be challenged by strength and agility. This is a relatively easy course, as you are all beginners, but it will get your heart pumping and your sweat breaking! Today we are joined by the Royal Engineer, his overweight cat, and my nieces! Are you ready?”
The crowd of new guards cheered after Eugene concluded his speech.
Varian wasn’t exactly one for exercise. He considered himself fit. He worked on a farm regularly and worked with heavy machinery. He had built some muscle, and wasn’t a stranger to hard, exhausting work.
But the idea of running a mile and running through an obstacle course, no matter how easy, was daunting. His stamina wasn’t great. He hadn’t properly exercised since he was in diapers, and he had forgotten to eat breakfast.
Since dieting hadn’t worked, his next best attempt to helping Ruddiger return to a more healthy weight, was exercise. Since he had no way of forcing Ruddiger to exercise (read: since Ruddiger bit him again after he lifted the raccoon by his front legs and made him dance) he decided that if he exercised and moved around, Ruddiger would gladly join him. Kiera and Catalina again tagged along as “moral support,” gladly joining Varian as he joined the guards’ exercise regimen. Which apparently included obstacle courses.
It was made by Eugene, he was not surprised.
“You sure you guys got this?” Eugene asked.
“Psssh an obstacle course is a piece of cake.” Kiera gloated. Catalina and Varian nodded.
Eugene shrugged “alright, on my mark, get set-“ Eugene blew the whistle, and off the group went.
Varian did not got this.
Farm and machine work did not equate to running. He was out of breath about… thirty seconds in, and had to slow down to a jog. Unfortunately he was now visibly much slower than all the hot new trainees, and forced himself to keep up the pace. His lungs burned and he could feel his stomach cramp at the exertion. His legs burned as he forced himself on through the pain.
Varian looked ahead to see Kiera and Catalina much farther ahead than him. The former sticking her tongue out and flipping a middle finger. The latter smirking at her friend who was farther behind than everyone else.
Varian looked back to see Ruddiger waddling along. At least he was waddling faster than usual. Varian counted this as a win. Ruddiger was exercising!
Varian was so caught up in his joy of a successful experiment that he hadn’t noticed his vision begin to darken.
___
Varian awoke on the wet morning grass to Eugene’s concerned face and Ruddiger seemingly licking him awake. Catalina was off to the side, fanning him.
“Nghngnngngnngg?” he intelligently asked.
“You passed out, kid.”
“Yeah like ten minutes in.” Catalina jabbed Kiera in the side, unsuccessfully hiding her laugh.
Varian groaned as he sat up and leaned on his elbows “yeah well maybe you shouldn’t have thrown me into such a harsh exercise first thing.”
“Varian, that was the warm up.” The Captain deadpanned.
Ruddiger hopped onto Varian’s lap and purred.
Varian had a feeling neither of them were going to get much exercise in.
“Kiera can you write down ‘failure’ in my notebook for me?”
“I already did!”
___
Experiment three- emotional counseling!
Rapunzel lifted Ruddiger onto her lap. She, along with Varian and the girls, were having a spa day. They were dressed in robes and face masks, and were lounging in the Queen’s ornate spa room. Servants worked on Catalina’s hair, filed Kiera’s toenails into claws as per her request, whilst Varian and Rapunzel got much needed manicures. Pascal sat on his own little chair with tiny cucumber slices over his eyes.
The princess lifted Ruddigers paw as a servant got to work clipping his nails. Surprisingly he hadn’t fussed, and Varian wondered if he snuck some of his and Rapunzel’s mimosas. It was also possible he was just too tired to pitch a fit. He had barely done anything other than sleep and eat lately. Which was probably due to his growing weight gain.
“You know” Rapunzel began “sometimes when we’re in distress, we turn to things that comfort us, sometimes to the point it hurts us. For some people or, uh, raccoons, that can be food. There’s nothing wrong with indulging every now and then when you’re upset, but if you’re eating everytime you’re emotional then that’s not good for you. When you feel bad you should come to us, instead of trying to eat your feelings away. Or you can go to Pascal! He cares about you and would love to help you! Or Max, he cares about you too!” Pascal squeaked in agreement. Max, who had been getting his mane treated, huffed in agreement as well.
See, Varian really appreciated what Rapunzel had to say. And while he didn’t consider himself an emotional eater, it was nice to know that Rapunzel didn’t judge. She simply just wanted to help Ruddiger.
Ruddiger, however, seemed annoyed by her sentiment, and hopped off her lap and waddled his way over to the small tub of warm water and rose petals set out for him.
“Oh.” The princess pouted.
Catalina hopped down from her chair and walked over to Ruddiger, running her hand through Ruddigers fur. She quickly moved her hand away as a servant got to scrubbing and massaging the raccoon's fur.
“We’re worried about you Ruddy. If you’re going through a hard time you should come to us.”
“Yeah, dealing with V can be kind of annoying.” Kiera offhandedly chimed in, half paying attention to the conversation, half paying attention to her horror novel.
The raccoon chittered indignantly before sinking lower into the bubbly water, closing his eyes as the servant kneaded her hands through his fur, detangling various knots.
Rapunzel looked over to her dear friend apologetically “he’s going to be a tough nut to crack. Even if he looks more like a marshmallow” she laughed.
Varian watched as Catalina dejectedly made her way back to her seat. Rapunzel placed a comforting hand on the young girls shoulder, lifting her mood slightly.
Varian wiggled his way out of the lady manicuring his nails grasp as he made his way over the his beloved friends tub.
He sat down next to Ruddiger. “Buddy, you’ve always been there for me, you know you can come to me. I may not uh, speak chitter or anything, but if you’re sad I’ll comfort you.”
Ruddiger popped his head up, his fur now soaked in bubbles and covered in rose petals. And Varian swore he saw his raccoon roll his eyes at him again.
Is this what it was like having a teenager? He was going to have to buy his dad something nice, if he was this bad.
Ruddiger butted his head against Varian’s outstretched hand. He may have been annoyed and seemingly exasperated, but he clearly appreciated his companions sentiment. Varian ran his fingers through his fur, reveling in the tender moment; before being shooed by Ruddiger’s bathing assistant as she brought over the conditioner.
Varian sighed, however, as he brought out his notebook and wrote down ‘failure.’
___
Varian let out a heavy sigh as he sunk into plush cushions. His head rested against the armrest and his feet stretched out, taking up the entirety of the golden loveseat. Ruddiger chittered from the ground below him, but made no move to join his human. Varian sighed at the implication. His friend was too fat to cuddle with him. A shame, really.
A shame, because he had no way of helping his little buddy. Ruddiger had been there for Varian’s lowest points, as the best emotional support a raccoon could be. And yet Varian had no way of reciprocating all the help his friend had given him. He couldn’t even give him treats anymore.
A hand carded through his hair, Rapunzel had made herself comfortable sitting on the armrest. “Maybe the best thing to do now is to see a doctor, we can go to the castle infirmary if you want.”
Varian grumbled “I don’t think a doctor will do much for a raccoon.”
“Well it’s better than nothing.”
Varian hummed, he leaned into the physical affection, taking comfort from Rapunzel as he always did.
It wouldn’t hurt. It’s not like he and his experiments had been of any help, he was willing to try anything at this point.
Varian lowered his hand down to Ruddiger, scratching the fur and smiling as his buddy let out a contented chitter. “You wanna go to the doctor, bud?”
Varian had expected resistance as always, but Ruddiger only let out a sound of approval and continued to let Varian pet him.
Varian sighed and scooped Ruddiger up mid-pet, the raccoon letting out an indignant noise as Varian hoisted him up and nestled him into the crook of his arm, wincing at the unfamiliar weight.
Varian and Rapunzel both stood, making their way to the infirmary.
Varian prepared himself, mentally, on the short walk there. Ruddiger was sick, he was dying. He had overeaten and now he was going to die. He was sick and that’s why he was overweight and he was going to die. He was going to be sick and miserable for the rest of his life.
And it was going to be Varian’s fault for not being able to help him.
For not even noticing until it was too late.
That was typical for him, in all honesty. He had a history of being a terrible friend. Especially to Ruddiger.
Oh suns, what if it was the growth serum? What if it had stayed in his system?
Varian swallowed hard, limbs trembling under the weight of this new truth. Rapunzel placed a comforting hand on his shoulder as they made their way into the castle infirmary, a large white room, filled with unoccupied beds and sunny windows. Filled with the stench of sadness.
Ruddiger was sick, and it was Varian’s fault.
___
“Ruddiger is pregnant.”
Varian blinked. Once. Twice. Three times.
“Huh?”
The doctor, Dr. Harris, turned Ruddiger over, the raccoon now facing Varian. He had given him a once over, barely even an examination, already coming to a truly preposterous conclusion.
“Ruddiger is pregnant. See this weight gain? All babies. It’s springtime, which is mating season for raccoons. Ruddiger looks about due any time.”
Varian was too dumbstruck to focus on Rapunzel trying and failing to politely hide her laughter behind her hand.
“That’s impossible, Ruddiger can’t have kids, that’s biologically impossible…right?”
“Nope. He’s a she.” The doctor lifted a furry leg, quickly lowering it as Ruddiger made an attempt to snap at him for the blatant indecency.
“It’s not uncommon for people to mistake the gender of their pets when they are babies. My daughter’s cat had kittens, and we weren’t able to definitively tell for quite some time. If you got Ruddiger as a baby, which would still make having a pet raccoon insane and unsanitary but I digress, it would make sense that you looked, got it wrong, and never felt the need to check again.” The doctor lowered Ruddiger down, who made his way over to Varian’s legs, pawing to be lifted.
Rapunzel snorted, Varian just glared at her and cradled his pregnant raccoon. “Poor baby, that’s why you’ve been so grumpy. You’ve been pregnant this whole time and Varian just wouldn’t listen to you, would he? Would he?” Rapunzel scratched his ears and Ruddiger made a contented noise.
“I feel so stupid. It was so obvious, now that I think about it. He’s even been nesting on my bed! I just thought he was cleaning.”
“Mr. Varian, I don’t think a raccoon feeling the need to clean is a good sign of your own sanitary habits. With all due respect.” Varian flipped the doctor off.
Rapunzel laughed softly, smiling at Varian warmly. Ruddiger curled into Varian further, as if comforting him. “You’re not stupid Varian, I never even thought about that. The doctor said it himself, it’s normal to get the gender of an animal wrong if you check too early.”
Varian but his lip, looking to the side nervously. “I mean…”
Rapunzel pursed her lips, squinting and playfully smiling at Varian, eyes knowing. “You never checked, did you?”
“That felt invasive! It’s none of my business what’s between his little legs! Besides, it's not like he ever corrected me!“
Rapunzel laughed harder, and Ruddiger rolled his eyes in true raccoon fashion. Varian buried his blushing face in grey fur.
The doctor sighed. “Please get this vermin out of my office before they take away my license.”
___
Varian had never heard his dad laugh as hard as he was right now. His deep voice rumbled loudly as he doubled over. Eugene and Lance hadn’t been faring any better. At least Rapunzel was polite in reveling in her friend’s humiliation.
“You poor little thing, you look like a pumpkin” Quirin sighed.
Varian was curled up against his dad on the couch in their Old Coronan home, a fire crackling to ward off the early spring chill. Ruddiger was splayed across both their laps, receiving affection from both father and son.
Eugene was stretched out, supported by his hands propped behind his back. “I can’t believe you projected so hard onto your raccoon you turned him trans, too.”
“Just another thing they have in common.” Lance shrugged from his place by the fire. His daughters were propped against him as well, “so are you going to keep the babies?” Catalina asked.
Varian looked up, with big pleading eyes, to his father who only sighed.
“Are you really going to abandon your grandbabies?”
“Don’t call them that.” Quirin groaned, absolutely no malice in his voice. He smiled fondly. “However, I won’t separate the father from his children. If, you take care of them. You’ll be responsible for them, Varian.”
Varian’s jaw tensed. He had kept Ruddiger because the raccoon was more or less self sufficient, able to provide for himself more often than not. Varian was barely self-sufficient, forgetting to eat and sleep more often than not. And now with his busy schedule as the Royal Engineer, he wasn’t sure he could take on this responsibility.
He hated the idea of separating his raccoon from his babies, but he also couldn’t realistically take in a litter of raccoons.
The others must have noticed his drop in mood, as Quirin sighed. Before the older man could respond, Catalina piped up “I’ll take them in!”
Varian blinked.
“Cat, I can't ask you to do that…”
“I’m not asking, I’m offering. This way Ruddiger can take care of his babies, and you don’t have to worry about them. And I’ll even give you visitation rights.” She nodded.
Varian pondered the idea.
Ruddiger chittered in approval.
___
Ruddiger gave birth not long after, in a cozy little suite Rapunzel set up for him in Varian’s bedroom. Varian was given two weeks paternity leave to assist his friend in whatever he needed, and dote on the little animal, as he recovered and cared for his young children. (A break Frederic was very quick to give.)
The little vacation was nice, but eventually Ruddiger and Varian had to return back to normal life. Which the two were eager to do. The quiet, domestic lifestyle had never been their scene. But Varian had admittedly enjoyed being able to give back to his friend all the love and support he had received. Even if that was in the form of bottle feeding baby raccoons and getting him fresh-baked donuts.
“Thanks again, Cat, for taking them in. It means a lot.”
The redhead smiled “of course V. I’m not gonna pass up the opportunity for a bunch of pet raccoons.”
“Yeah we’re thinking of turning them into a little army, and training them to kill whoever slights us.”
“I think I’ll teach mine to cook!”
Varian smiled fondly at the little family as Lance placed the little cage of baby raccoons in their cart. Ruddiger placed little raccoon kisses on each of their heads, and Varian bade a temporary farewell to Ruddiger Jr, Varian Jr, Quirina, and Greg.
The father raccoon quickly scampered up to Varian’s shoulders and nuzzled into his neck for affection. Varian kissed the top of his head.
“It’s okay bud, you’ll get to see them every other weekend.”
After the family said their goodbyes, Varian made himself comfortable on the cool grass. He breathed in the warm spring air, basking in the golden glow of the evening. Ruddiger, still a little chubby but nonetheless back to his normal self, made himself comfortable on his friend’s lap.
Varian smiled down at him, and ran a gloved hand over the fur. Ruddiger let out a contented chitter as his ears and neck were scratched in the way his human knew he liked.
It was truly a peaceful moment. Varian wished he could live here forever.
“I’m sorry about all the experiments bud. If I had known I wouldn’t have done all that. I just worried, I really care about you. You’ve done a lot for me I just, I just wanted to help. Sorry I got it wrong. Just know I’m always here for you.”
Ruddiger turned over, offering his belly to pet. Varian happily obliged.