Chapter Text
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If mother saw him now she would be so disappointed i mean who wouldn't be he was meant for greatness the air to two extremely powerful empires the league and the bat yet here he was staring at the cuts laying straight across his legs
Watching as the blood dripped from them to the sheets as it went
Drip
Drip
Drip
DRIP
He stared into the blooded blade yet he couldn't recognise the face staring back at him those toxic green eyes his imperfections were practically glowing
He knew he should properly get up clean himself up stitch his wounds clean the sheets hide evidence yet he couldn't get up
How weak grandfather would have taken the knife and do it for him cut deeper for how he was acting
He really needed to clean up yet he couldn't help but wonder
would they even notice?
He has been doing this longer than he'd like to admit
But in his defences there was just something about the pain of a blade against his skin
The smell of fresh blood
The scar it left
The relief it brought
It reminded him of the league, the harsh punishments it gave him the pain he deserved
It was his stress relief maybe his family would understand i mean it makes sense in theory
Yet he couldn't help but remember the look of fear in richards eyes as he asked for the whip after a particular bad patrol or how they grew even bigger when he offered to do it himself
Richard
Yes Richard he would care
Yet maybe he's just being delusional richard wouldn't care only pity
He often pityed the child especially after father was presumed “dead”
He was foolish to think anyone would care about him a demon a child assassin with a body count higher than Todds then most rogues in gotham
how could anyone love someone with this much blood on their hands
Oh
The blood on his legs has dried
This will be easier to clean up than he thought
Just take a deep breath you can do this if you dont you would have to deal with their pity
Or worse another of richards stares
The last thing he wanted was to upset them further then his pressesnes no existence has already done
The bathroom feels a million miles away he just wanted to lie back and let his mattress absorb him he wanted to drown in it
He just wanted this pain to go away
Maybe he could dig is blad just a couple more times
No
He was already being weak he needed to control himself
Just breath Damian you can do this you've done so much you've killed fought and won against many you can walk to a bathroom and stitch yourself up
He was definitely going to need a shower after this
Damian felt a shiver down his spine why did he feel so cold why did this manor feel so damn cold
He just wanted to go home where things made actual sense he wanted to feel his mothers embrace once more yet was that really still home
He no longer killed and was now weaker than ever he was a stain on the Al-ghul name yet the blood on his hands proved this wasn't home either
He didn't have a home
He didn't deserve one anyway
He had somehow managed to dishonour both the Al-ghuls and Waynes
He deserved death
No
Something much worse than that
Why is he so lazy that he cant get off his fucking bed this isnt a hard task yet why did his legs feel so stiff he just couldnt get off this bed
Just breath damian do something
ANYTHING
Just stop being so damn lazy
Oh just great now he was shaking why was he like this why did his body betray him so much he just wanted relife peace
Forgiveness?
Like he deserved that he hasn't earned that yet
Will he ever earn it?
He gripped the knife harder
He wanted more pain no needed it i wanted to stab his pre existing wounds feel the pain
The sting
The way his mind would go blank as he dug
He yearned for it like he yearned for their validation
Fathers, mothers, grandfathers, Richards, Todds, Cains, Browns, even Drakes
He just wanted to be loved
Embraced by one of Richards famous hugs his hair ruffled by Todd a smile from Cain a fist bump from Thomas or what he craved for the most
a hug from father
He wished he begged for fathers praise for one simple “good job chum” or even just a look a foolish dessier really yet he would die for a simple hand on his shoulder anything that wasn't a grunt a look of disapproval a fight he just wanted to be apart of their family
He just wanted their love
His selfish thoughts were interrupted by a knock
Shit
He couldn't recognize who the knock was from it could be any of them
He was starting to panic
“Demon brat you’ve been in your room all day something wrong”
It was Todd
Damian was petrified he couldn't speak the words refused to leaf his throat
Another knock
“I get your properly mad about something but you need to come out of there at some point”
A long pause
“Alfie made food dont be ungrateful and come eat”
“If you don't answer me im coming in”
Shit
“DONT COME IN” was all damian screamed the only words he was able to choke out
Damian could hear the door knob turn
Fuck fuck fuck
“What the fuck is going on in there are you hiding a body in there or somth-”
“Holy fuck”
Todds eyes widen as he watched him look at his legs then his face then his legs again then the blade shit he never let go of it
Damian was completely frozen
Todd was going to tell father father wouldn't understand he would take away robbin shit shit shit he was spiraling he didn't even notice till he notice Todd's voice it was hard to hear but he tried to listen to the words that sounded like gibberish
“Breath”
“Damian breath”
“Shit demo- damian”
Damian was definitely fucked