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Chapter Text

Hogwarts was a very old castle, built many millennia ago. Its halls were narrow, its corridors tight, its ancient architecture twisted and uncomfortable for the clumsy and absent-minded. Hogwarts was full of such places: treacherous stairs, absurdly narrow hallways, corners designed for accidents.

And right there, at that precise moment, James Potter and Severus Snape turned the same corner at the same time, without being able to stop.

"Hey, watch where—" James began, seeing a body approaching. 

"You watch it!" Severus snapped, raising an eyebrow and already in a defensive stance, anticipating the imminent crash.

There was nothing they could do to stop it—their bodies collided. But worse still, due to the angle, momentum, weight, and bloody fate, their faces crashed too—one directly against the other—in a clumsy, horrible, and disastrous kiss.

Or rather, a violent collision of lips—so violent and careless that James Potter’s teeth split Severus Snape’s already cracked lips.

It was not planned, not romantic, nor even remotely tender. It was an unfortunate accident.

Excessively clumsy and rough. Lips against lips, with no intention, no prelude.

They both jumped apart as if hit by a magical shock.

James staggered three steps back, horror painted on his face, his glasses crooked, looking profoundly idiotic.

Severus, meanwhile, frowned at him, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand—more annoyed by the surprise than anything else.

It had been a terribly unfortunate accident, but like many annoying things in life, Severus intended to forget about it and bury that horrible face collision deep in the recesses of his mind.

But James...

James turned pale.
His eyes widened even more.
He touched his lips like a scandalized maiden.

"No... no... NOOOOOOOO!-

And ran away.
Literally, while screaming at the top of his lungs.

"OH MERLIN! OH MORGANA! I’VE BEEN KISSED! I’VE BEEN KISSED!"

Severus blinked, slowly, trying to process the commotion.

"What the hell...?"

And stood there, watching the Potter heir disappear up the stairs as if someone had cast a full-on hysteria spell on him.

Already in his dorm, tears of shame streaming down his face, James Potter began writing a letter to his parents.

" Dearest Mother and Father,

I find myself in the worst of disgraces—I have dishonored myself and our purest lineage.
Today, horror descended upon me with full force. I was walking through the castle halls—like any innocent young lad—when, by accident or perhaps the dark whims of fate, I bumped into someone. Not just anyone. Severus Snape—you know who I mean—the Severus Snape I’ve spoken about so much.
And our lips… Mother… Father… our lips touched.
Yes, I know what it means. I know what it implies! The books are clear! Our traditions are clear! A kiss with a pure-blood like myself, of such elevated stock, is undoubtedly the first step toward formal engagement according to the Law of Magical Correspondences! And I wasn’t ready! I was absolutely caught off guard! I wasn’t dressed to be betrothed! I wore no ancestral brooch! Worse yet, I hadn’t even begun the courtship plan we so carefully devised this summer to woo Severus!
But the worst… the WORST is that… deep down, I’ve always wanted him. You know this. And though it shames me to admit it, I’m absolutely thrilled to have received his kiss!
I know, dearest parents, your son is utterly shameless. I’ve gone against every rule, every tradition, against our very principles. My lack of remorse is proof that lust has consumed me—your son is a licentious boy.
And then there’s Severus, who of course is blessed with many gifts. But that did not give him the right to take me in such a way!
Now I fear for my reputation. What will people say? What will the elves say? What will the portrait of Great-Great-Grandfather Phineas say, the one hanging in the dining room?
Please, tell me what to do. Must I take him to a formal dinner? Offer him the ancestral ring? What kind of cake is served at an emergency union?

With tears,
James Charlus Potter, victim of the greatest scandal of my generation."**

It only took a few hours for the frantic and alarmed Potters to reply with an equally dramatic letter."

"Dearest child of our lineage,

We read your letter with tears in our eyes and forgotten teacups on the table. The maid spilled the sugar in shock. Your father choked on an oatmeal biscuit. The owl almost couldn’t fly out with our response, from sheer distress.
Even your Great-Aunt Magnolia’s portrait clutched her pearls.
A kiss!
And with a Snape, no less!
We don’t mean to sound old-fashioned (though we are), but you know what that kind of physical contact means—without ritual mediation, without family consent, without the approval of the Ancestral Blood Scroll.
It’s serious, James. Very serious.
And what’s this about not following the plan your father and I so lovingly helped you draft? Since when have you been so overwhelmed by lust? Why didn’t you tell us? We would have sent him to study in France, where he wouldn’t tempt you! We’d have hired him a tutor at Durmstrang! Anything that would’ve let us conduct a proper courtship ritual with the man of your dreams!
James, darling… there are things one simply does not do without emotional preparation, candlelight, and a glass of wine. If there’s a spark, even a magically impure one, then it must be faced with decency and formality.
The least that boy can do now is come to our house for dinner, show his face before us, your loving parents, and sign the engagement contract as our customs demand.
In proper attire.
With honorable intent.
We will not allow your purity to be questioned—nor the integrity of your beloved.
I’ve already written the invitation. The owl departs in half an hour.

With the most scandalized love possible,
Euphemia (with Fleamont hyperventilating in the background)
Lady and Mistress of House Potter."

Severus was reading in his common room, like any normal teenager with a normal life—so normal that it didn’t involve ancestral hysteria or surprise marriage proposals—until that moment.

An owl dove like a projectile from the enchanted ceiling—apparently having entered the dungeons thanks to a house-elf—and landed before him with unnecessary elegance, its feathers puffed up in indignation.

"What the—?"

The envelope was perfumed. Sealed with red wax and the Potter crest. Magical embroidered flowers danced along the edge.

Severus Snape,
Keeper of the chaste lips of our son.

He frowned.
"What the…?"
He opened it."

" Dear young Severus,

You are hereby cordially invited to the Potter family dinner this Saturday at 7 p.m.
Dress code: formal but cozy—remember to appear suited to the solemn occasion.
The purpose of this abrupt gathering is, of course, to discuss the circumstances that led to the accelerated engagement with our son and to resolve the matter in accordance with our irrefutable traditions. We would rather not resort to the Wizengamot to ensure you do not shirk your obligation, wouldn’t you agree?
Please do not bring knives—unless to sign the contract in blood, as was done in the old days.

Sincerely,
Matriarch Euphemia Potter."

Severus blinked. Once. Twice.

"Am I being sued into marriage… by the Potters?"

From a corner, Lucius Malfoy whispered, impressed:

"Mate, that’s practically an irrevocable magical contract. If you go, you’re literally betrothed. If you don’t, you’ll owe reparations for damaging the heir’s reputation."

Severus covered his face with both hands.
"I don’t understand how the hell this happened—"

"Sev, did you by any chance kiss James Potter? Or touch him under his robes?"

"What!? What kind of stupid suggestion is that? I wouldn’t touch him willingly even with a three-meter stick! We just bumped into each other in the hallway, and our faces smashed together!"

Lucius stared at him, silently raising one impeccably groomed eyebrow.

"I just turned a corner."

Lucius sighed dramatically.

"And now you’ve turned toward the altar."

Chapter Text

It had been several days since the very, very unfortunate "kiss" incident—or rather, the labial collision—that occurred between Severus Snape and James Potter.

Severus, still dismayed by the letter in which the Potters practically imposed the engagement to their heir upon him, had been wandering like a tormented soul through the halls of Hogwarts, desperately seeking an exit, any exit, from the impending doom.

Lucius genuinely sympathized with him, he really did, but he was of no actual help. Every idea Severus proposed to escape the absurd situation was discarded by Lucius, who always brought up reasonable arguments, leaving Severus increasingly desperate.

It's worth mentioning that Lucius was also a staunch pure-blood traditionalist, and if he were in Potter's shoes, he would do whatever it took to keep the engagement on. After all, it wasn't every day that one got a wizard as talented and magically gifted as Severus on a silver platter, even if it was due to an accidental kiss while turning a corner at the same time. But who was he to judge the methods if they achieved the results? Thus, thinking like a true pure-blood, Lucius unconsciously ended up siding with James, and was therefore as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

On the other hand, in the following days while Severus suffered his fate, James was acting strange—or well, stranger than normal.

He sighed into the air like an lovesick maiden, frantically wrote letters to his parents—more than he had in years—and at times he would drift off, staring into space while blushing. Clearly, he remembered the moment his lips had caressed (or rather, brutally collided with) those of Severus Snape.

Moreover, in the Great Hall, he cast yearning glances at a very perturbed Severus Snape from across the room, looks which the recipient made enormous efforts to ignore.

And so the days passed, with Severus Snape deeply distressed and a James Potter becoming increasingly excited, until Saturday finally arrived.

Severus Snape felt frankly terrified... he constantly questioned how he had ended up in such an absurd situation, he could only curse the fate he was dealt. One day he was a simple, tolerable Hogwarts student, worrying only about his own school matters and avoiding the group of imbeciles who tormented his school life like the plague, and yet now he had to worry about being forced to marry a dimwitted baboon who was staring at him strangely from across the Great Hall, blinking at him as if he had some eye condition.

Never in his wretched years of uncomfortable adolescence would he have considered that a mere accident would lead him to be seated in the same room as one of the oldest and most dramatic families in the magical world, demanding his hand in marriage.

Not even Lucius was that ridiculous, and that was already a very low standard.

But there he was, in a small room with gold and velvet decorations, wearing an uncomfortable robe that was suffocating him like the devil, which Lucius had forced him to squeeze into that morning, and sitting across from the Potters with a marriage contract in between, hanging like a sentence before his eyes, a horrible condemnation from which he saw no escape.

Damn the pure-bloods and their prudish customs, no wonder his mother ran away as soon as she had the chance, if these were even the consequences of an accidental touch.

Although he didn't deny that deep down he was grateful not to have accidentally touched Lucius or Regulus, thank Merlin for his aversion to human contact and his emotional constipation, or he would have ended up with a pair of pompous, demanding husbands who would take the last coins from his cold hands to buy the latest seasonal fashion robe. It wasn't that he was well served with Potter either; cold sweat ran down his back just thinking about it.

If he could, he would flee through the mountains without looking back, but unfortunately, a house-elf sent by the Potters intercepted him and dragged him to Headmaster Dumbledore's office fireplace that very afternoon before he could make his escape.

"Mommy, how does my suit look? The color highlights my skin, right!? Do you think my muscles look better? ...No, you know what, I'd better try the red one, I need to look presentable for my fiancé, plus I want to look incredible for the engagement ritual, I don't want to be the laughing stock among the other pure-blood family boys," James complained, entering in a rush of expensive fabrics through the door without noticing that Severus was sitting there with a face like a funeral. "I've seen Lucius eyeing my Sev, I need to mark my territory right away."

Oh god, Potter was a total mummy's boy, proudly entering and showing his little suit to his mother like a spoiled child. Severus was green with nausea and discomfort, and James Potter's words did nothing to improve his mood.

Severus swore James would be as annoyed as he was by the engagement, he even had faith that Potter would fight harder to avoid their upcoming nuptials. Holy and Sacred Merlin, he sounded more excited than annoyed about it. What on earth was Severus entangled in now?

"My dear, look, Severus is already here."

"Mom!!! Why didn't you tell me he was already here!!" Potter shouted, scandalized, covering himself like a virgin caught bathing in the river, even though he was ironically fully dressed and even more covered than usual with luxurious fabrics that probably cost more than Severus's house, his two kidneys, and those of his two parents combined, maybe even including Lily's kidneys.

Both parents laughed with fond humor at their son, and invited him to sit next to his unfortunate and far from willing fiancé.

"My darling, sit down, sit down, Severus is about to sign, isn't that right, dear?" the matriarch questioned in a tone so sweet it sounded false, even threatening. "We wouldn't want to have to resort to the Wizengamot to collect for the dishonor my adorable son was subjected to when you decided to put your lips on him, now would we?"

No, yes, it was a total threat, Severus realized: he either married or he married, there was no other way. He was so poor that he couldn't afford a lifetime installment of compensation for "dishonoring" the heir.

Severus wanted to protest that he would never, not even if he were the last person alive in the world, voluntarily and consciously kiss James Potter. However, he didn't have many options left besides signing, unless he wanted to face an unpayable debt or, somehow mysteriously, end up in Azkaban.

The silence that followed was awkward, laden with averted gazes and resigned sighs. James, still red to the ears, settled down next to Severus with an almost endearing clumsiness, while Mrs. Potter gave them an evaluating look, as if deciding if they were already worthy of posing for the family photo. Inside, Severus felt he was signing not only a parchment but his sentence of confinement to a life he never chose.

Severus, resigned to the core, took the quill that an old house-elf with a wicked smile offered him with a trembling hand, and took the parchment to read it carefully; if he was going to sign it, at least he had to know what he was getting himself into.

SACRED CONTRACT OF MARITAL UNION BETWEEN JAMES POTTER AND SEVERUS SNAPE

On the present date, under the observance of the noblest magical traditions and the blessing of Holy and Sacred Merlin, and in accordance with the ancient laws of the Wizengamot and the enduring stipulations of the traditions of the Great, Noble, and Ancient House of Potter, the undersigned, James Potter and Severus Snape, commit to promptly celebrate their nuptials, founded on perpetual devotion, respect, and unwavering romance, thus sealing the sanctity of their marital union.

The promptly marriage, hereby agreed upon and declared, shall always be a source of light, affection, and absolute dedication between the parties, who shall ensure mutual admiration, daily romantic gestures (including, but not limited to, perfumed letters, breakfast in bed, and dances under the moonlight). The absence of sappy details, as well as the forgetting of anniversaries, is expressly prohibited, under penalty of having to recite poetry in front of the entire Potter family and other punishments deemed suitable by the family patriarch and matriarch.

Both contracting parties accept that, from now on, devotion will be their guide and romance their moral obligation, being required to publicly display affection at social gatherings, balls, and, of course, during family dinners.

Likewise, the undersigned accept the commitment to procure, within a reasonable period determined by the patriarchs, the existence of an heir to guarantee the continuity and prestige of the Potter family.

Divorce is explicitly prohibited under any circumstances, as no ammunition will be allowed for wagging tongues nor will the honor of both houses be questioned through public scandals.

It is hereby declared, furthermore, that Severus Snape, in his capacity as James Potter's spouse, shall be the beneficiary of all economic privileges associated with the House of Potter, including, but not limited to, unlimited access to the family vault at Gringotts, unrestricted use of the ancestral library, and the right to inherit, while alive, properties, rare potions, and magical artifacts of incalculable value.

Furthermore, it is established that, in the event that Severus Snape is deemed suitable and sufficiently knowledgeable for potion making, and after evaluation by the family patriarchs, he shall become the next in succession to the Potter Potions enterprises. Moreover, he shall be the beneficiary of all options registered under the Potter business name and patented before the Wizengamot, counting on unlimited access to the laboratories, greenhouses, and other real estate that form part of the commercial patrimony of the Potter family.

Failure to comply with any of the romantic clauses stipulated herein shall be sanctioned by the Potter matriarch with additional household chores and the obligation to plan the next family party.

Additionally, it is stipulated that both must actively participate in all family celebrations and rituals, including event organization, joint preparation of traditional dishes, and punctual attendance to every annual meeting, without exception or valid excuse. Cooperation and teamwork shall be considered fundamental pillars for the harmony of the Potter-Snape home, and any disagreement shall be resolved through family mediation under the supervision of the patriarchs.

The contracting parties sign.

James Charlus Potter (Heir of the Great, Noble, and Ancient House of Potter)

Severus Snape-Prince (Future Devoted Husband of the Heir of the Great, Noble, and Ancient House of Potter)

Severus slowly lowered the parchment, his gaze fixed on the last lines, as if he was still trying to decipher some kind of hidden trap amidst so much formality and so many promises. A slight nervous tic seized his eyebrow, and for a few seconds, silence reigned in the room. He took a deep breath, searching within himself for a mix of resignation and astonishment at the magnitude of the clauses.

Everything sounded horrible, especially the romance part. Severus did not have a single romantic bone in his body. Severus basically lived for daily misery and exhaustion.

But oh well, damn it, he couldn't deny deep down that the part about access to the family funds and the possibility of taking charge of the great Potter enterprises sounded wonderful.

And hell... Severus's greedy, black heart was pounding with excitement at accessing the state-of-the-art laboratories and the greenhouses they promised him.

However, while logic screamed at him to maintain composure and not get carried away by enthusiasm, Severus felt a pang of satisfaction imagining all the potential he would have in his hands. He envisioned the forbidden experiments, the rare ingredients, and the secret formulas that he could finally perfect without restrictions. It was as if, for the first time, fate offered him an opportunity for professional redemption, even if the price was faking a romance that he himself didn't believe possible.

Damn it, Severus was practically sold, the only consequence he would have to face would be having to put up with James Potter for the rest of his miserable earthly life.

A resigned sigh escaped his lips as he leaned back in the chair, allowing himself for a moment to imagine a less gloomy life under the golden light of the greenhouses and the aroma of freshly mixed potions. Although he knew the future promised challenges and absurdly uncomfortable situations, the prospect of having unlimited resources for his research at his disposal wrangled a half-smile from him, almost imperceptible. Perhaps, after all, faking it was a relatively low price to achieve his true ambitions.

For a moment, he paused to carefully observe those accompanying him while thoughtfully toying with the quill in his right hand. Mrs. Potter directed a bright and mischievous look at him, as if she were sure of her victory; Mr. Potter, on the other hand, smiled gently with a certain unease, like someone wishing to settle their matters quickly to quietly enjoy a cup of tea. Finally, James Potter gave him an expression of unusual tenderness, so moving on his habitually smug face that Severus found it disconcerting. He looked at him with such emotion and hope that, frankly, he preferred not to inquire where those feelings came from in that fool whose hobby was making his school life miserable.

With a solemn gesture, Severus took a breath and, with a funereal mood, placed his signature on the parchment, feeling that every letter sealed his destiny.

The sound of the quill scratching the paper echoed like thunder in the expectant silence of the room. Instantly, the Potters erupted in cheers and applause, merging into an embrace of jubilation at the success of their endeavor, while James, unable to contain his emotion, let out a luminous laugh and, with brilliantly moist eyes, looked at Severus as if at that moment the entire universe had allied in his favor.