Archive of Our Own

Just one step, and it will be over.

Gunwook breathes in and out as he looks down at his feet, a toe finger peaking out of his worn out shoe. 

Beneath his feet, he stares at the cars, glances at the ice cream stall at the corner of the street and thinks –about how he never got to eat its famous mango one– 

looks at the flower shop right beside it, –he was going to go there as a reward for reaching each of his goals– 

two girls going into the bakery that always smells of freshly baked breads, –he could only ever get a whiff– 

a couple lifting their son together over a puddle as he giggles– 

he would never experience it.

He would never experience any of that if he takes another step. It is sinking in now. 

The way half of his feet are in the air and half on the uplifted pavement of the roof, it is like he's being given a chance to choose again.

Will he choose the blue sky, finally escaping and flying off, completely lightweight with all the burden lifted off his shoulders, or will he choose the grey pavement, going back to his life, his life filled with numbers and expectations?

His mind is slowly getting cloudy, maybe it's fine, maybe he will just faint and fall down and die instantly without feeling any pain.

What pain could hurt more than what he's suffering from right now anyways?

He takes another breath, his hand reaching to his chest, his heart pounding rapidly against his chest, the other one goes to his collarbones, gently tracing them for comfort.

Now's the time.

Gunwook lifts his foot, the one with the worn out shoe.

He keeps it down behind him.

He chose the pavement.

He waits for a while to make sure if he is hearing correctly, if it isn't just his ears ringing.

It isn't, someone really is here.

He turns his head to the soft hum, so soft and soothing and sweet, it feels like an epiphany in Gunwook's ears, he accepts it.

At the far corner, he notices a boy sitting on a bench, his back turned to Gunwook, earphones plugged in and head bobbing slightly.

At last, he climbs down, sitting down on the floor quietly and hugging his knees as he listens to the low hum of the unknown boy.

He wonders what his voice must be like, probably sweet. If his mere humming was l way, like a lullaby mothers would sing to their babies, the one that belongs to a singer, known and admired for his voice, it had to be.

He tries to hum the tone but instead a gravel sound comes out. He's parched, his throat dry after running without water for an hour. He used to come here a lot, to visit the arcade just down the block with his teammates, to celebrate a win or to console their loss. That was one year ago.

For six months he had been coming here, to this hospital, for his treatment. He doesn't visit anywhere else anymore, no arcades, no cinemas, no gigs, no parties. What's the point of it all, anyways?

Curiosity piqued, he gets up, dusting his pants as he walks over to the guy. He believes he's going crazy, walking up to a random guy just to see if his face is as sweet and soft as his voice, if his humming voice and speaking voice are the same. He blames it on the exhaustion.

The humming stops abruptly as the boy notices Gunwook from the periphery of his eye, taking his earphones out while fixating his eyes on his lap.

Gunwook stares at the boy as he grips his pants. Why didn't you think of what you were going to say to him, you dumbass?

Gunwook raises his hand, waving awkwardly. "Hi, I- uh...I was just standing there and...you have a great voice."

The boy doesn't reply, just turning his head away as he nods his head in acknowledgment.

"I have never heard this before, like, the music you were humming to earlier.… It's great really, it has a gentle tone, maybe some soft ballad type song, isn't it...?"

"It's not a song," the boy says, his voice is just as Gunwook imagined, low and gentle.

"What?"

"It's no song, just a small tune I came up with."

"I...I see." Gunwook pauses for a split second before asking, "what is it called?"

The boy seems to ponder for a moment, looking up from his lap to the sky. "Heaven."

He takes a few steps closer, disbelief etched on his face, is that what heaven sounds like? "heaven? Really?"

The boy simply nods. "The place I'm going to soon."

He looks at Gunwook and questions, "what about you? Why are you here?"

"Huh?" He's taken aback. He's joking, right?

"You were going to jump off the rooftop, weren't you?"

"Oh, I-I was just..." he pauses, clutching his bag as he attempts to come up with an excuse.

A giggle from the boy breaks off his trail of thoughts. "I'm kidding. Did you come to visit someone?"

Gunwook nods his head vigorously, chuckling lightly. "Yeah. Yeah, a friend." He turns to the boy who has, once again, diverted his eyes to his lap. "Hey, by the way, I don't find that funny." He looks at the sky as he continues, "You shouldn't joke about going to heaven-"

"It's true, though."

Gunwook snaps his head to the boy in disbelief.

"I'm going to die soon. Six months from now." He seems to smile a little, a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. It's like he’s witnessing someone come clean to themself. He knows, he knows it's true. Gunwook notices a faint dimple on his cheek.

"I have a rare illness that affects, like, one in ten million people."

Gunwook's eyes soften at the boy. So he's also struggling. ‘Much more than me. An actual burning star’ he notes. "I see."

The boy stops fidgeting with his thumb, slowly looking up at Gunwook, looking into his eyes for the first time since their conversation. "You..."

Gunwook raises one of his eyebrows, "I?"

"Nothing." He shakes his head, looking down again.

Gunwook hesitates for a moment before turning on his heel, taking a few steps to go back home. But he stops again, questions filling his mind.

"Hey, uh, aren't you...afraid?" He feels stupid.

"Of what?"

"Of dying."

Instead of instantly replying, the boy looks up at Gunwook and chuckles. His smile reaches his eyes this time, revealing a pretty dimple on his left cheek.

"Why would I be scared?" He asks, as if death isn't a big deal at all. "I have known for a while I was going to die. If anything I'm looking forward to it, waiting patiently for an angel to come and pick me up." He looks up at the sky expectantly and then at Gunwook, "heaven is nice."

Gunwook smiles, I guess it is.

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

Gunwook wakes up to the whirling of the vacuum cleaner as usual. The lady living above his apartment vacuums her floor religiously at 7 in the morning, unintentionally acting like an alarm clock for Gunwook to wake up and get ready for school.

Sluggishly he gets up, stretching his limbs and then going to the small bathroom while peeling off his clothes. Once he's standing naked in his bathroom, with only his briefs on, he looks down at the weight machine in front of him. He turns his head to look at the dirty mirror, getting a glimpse of his chest, his ribs only barely visible.

He looks back at the weight machine, slowly exhaling all the air out and steps on the machine.

74.4 kg

That's...fine, I guess.

He gets off it, turning on the shower, cold water hitting his chest making him slightly shiver. 15 minutes, -10 calories.

He sighs in disappointment, the numbers in the machine hadn't bulged for 2 weeks now, always showing the same figure, no matter how much he makes his diet stricter, his workout longer, his muscles ache and head pound. It was disappointing.

After he stopped playing soccer, he had put on so much weight, it was almost like it was before.

Maintaining is fine as long as I don't gain. Maintaining is fine as long as I don't gain. Maintaining is fine as long as I don't gain. Maintaining is fine as long as I don't gain. Maintaining is fine as long as I don't gain.

He leaves his apartment with a tylenol being the only thing entering his body, a thermos of black coffee in his hand and his bag slung over his shoulder.

He listens to his playlists as he walks to his school, 30 minutes, -100 calories, he notes.

Despite the loud music blasting through his earphones, he finds himself humming a completely different tune.

The tune he had heard the sick boy hum.

‘I didn't even get his name...’

Gunwook lets his mind circle back to yesterday, to the boy's words.

Heaven is nice.

Why would I be scared?

You were going to jump off the rooftop, weren't you?

What if Gunwook had said yes? What if he had told the boy he was about to jump because he can't bear it anymore, he can't see his future? That he's sick, not physically, but instead it's his mind fighting his body?

They say those who shine the brightest burn the quickest too.

Gunwook had shone, truely. Debate clubs, class presidency, a valuable part of the soccer team, a dancer, a rapper, a singer. And now, at the age of nearly 18, he was burning. The fire starts off as a spark inside the pit of his stomach and grows and grows and grows. Gunwook feeds it, he lets it grow and consume him.

The worst part is that he's aware. He's so painfully aware of what he's doing to himself, it's like you get a gash and instead of letting it heal, giving it ointment and stitches; you start to pick it, stab it open even further and your mind screams at you but your body ignores it.

Yet he does it anyway and he can't tell anyone, the words die at the tip of his tongue. What would they say? A gifted child is burning out? That's not a gifted child then, that's a failure.

They are not supposed to burn, they are supposed to shine, those are the expectations. Unrealistic expectations.

The sick boy would have probably laughed and called him an attention seeker, right?

What do you know about struggles? Your excuses are pathetic, a man with a life ahead of him whining like a child because he can't handle a little bit of stress? If you want to know real struggles, take my place and I'll take yours, then you would know.

Gunwook scares even himself when he thinks he would have preferred that.

Why would anyone crib in front of a dying man about how he's scared of...living? That he cannot see his future anymore and so he's slowly destroying himself? That he's seeing death as an escape?

Even thinking about it makes Gunwook scoff at his pathetic self.

I'm looking forward to it.

How? Just how?

He makes a mental note to visit the boy. All while ignoring the tiny voice in his mind. ‘maybe if I can just meet him, see his struggle, I'll feel better about myself’

The day had gone too slow for Gunwook, earphones remaining in his ears at all times, music filling his mind so that no thought could occur, only getting interrupted when he got a call twice from the music agency he had joined earlier.

He loved music, he still does but the dream of making music is somewhat lost in the void he's hiding in, now.

He can never sing again, he can never play soccer again, all he is, is an empty shell.

Finding the rooftop of the hospital empty, Gunwook hesitates before stepping inside the building. As soon as the smell hits his nostrils, the memories flood in, the blood and the screams, not of his own, he wasn't even able to scream to show his horror and agony at the scene.

He steadies his breathing, makes his way inside. He doesn't know how he is even able to find the boy. He just climbs the elevator, hoping he will catch a glimpse of him on some floor.

Then he hears it, a loud hearty laugh.

He pauses to look around him, peeking inside the rooms surrounding him to see where it came from.

"Catch the villain!"

Gunwook turns at the childish voice behind him, only to find himself come face to face with the one he is looking for. A group of children runs behind him with swords made of cardboard, chasing the boy who wore a black cape, laughing evilly.

"You can never catch-" he comes to a stop in front of Gunwook, his eyes wide and staring in Gunwook's. His smile slowly wavers as he stares at him.

Gunwook takes a sharp inhale. "Hi."

"Come inside," the boy directs as he leads Gunwook to the top floor, towards his room.

Gunwook fidgets with his bag strap as the boy opens the door. He pauses to look at the name tag beside the door.

Kim Taerae

Gunwook closes the door behind him as he begins, "I hope I'm not disturbing." He eyes the room, white walls with many different polaroids on them, the bed frame, the window, the machines, even. It's a bunch of flowers, stars, fireworks, a few of his own selfies, the nurses and doctors. A sofa is in front of a single bed at the very corner, unmade, a clumsy guitar resting on it. Gunwook catches a glimpse of a polaroid on its edge too.

Taerae chuckles, "just what I needed. It gets a little tiring when anyone close to your age is still a decade younger than you."

He turns, gesturing for Gunwook to sit on the sofa as he makes his bed hurriedly.

"No one ever visits me, so I'm grateful you are here."

Gunwook nods, "so, Kim Taerae, right?" The name flows off his tongue like honey. He wonders what that means.

Taerae hums, "and you are?"

"Park Gunwook."

"How old are you, Gunwook?"

"Eighteen."

"Guess I'm your hyung then." Taerae smiles as he comes and sits beside. "So, you like music too, I'm guessing?"

Do I still? "Yeah, how did you know?"

Taerae leans in, his face a mere inches away from Gunwook, he looks down at the younger's hand, then back at his face.

"You look like a music kid."

"Well, your judgement is correct." Gunwook chuckles and Taerae gives him a 'I knew it' look. "But I'm a bit lacking these days."

Taerae hums, "What do you want to do in the future?"

"Ah, the future...?" Gunwook fidgets with his fingers. Is there a future for me?

"Wait let me guess!" Taerae claps his hands as he exclaims. "A producer? Something related to music right?"

"Well, yes." Gunwook decides to say, it's not really a lie. "A singer, I want to make music."

"Knew it!" Taerae grins, the dimple on his cheek appearing.

Just then, Gunwook's phone rings, the screen lighting up with the name flashing across the screen. Taerae takes a peek and his eyes widen. Gunwook declines the call instantly.

"You are in jellyfish entertainment? A trainee, huh?"

"Actually-"

"I wanted to be a singer too." Taerae interrupts, a far away look in his eyes. "But I won't be here long enough to make something really great."

Gunwook remains silent, what could he even say? It's inevitable, death is inevitable.

"Right! I'll leave it to you." Taerae snaps his head to meet Gunwook's eyes. "How about you become a great singer and make music?"

I cannot. I cannot anymore. But there's no way I can tell you that now.

Gunwook diverts his gaze and lets it fall on the bedside.

"You play guitar?"

Taerae doesn't have to follow Gunwook's eyes as he hums. "A little. I can play a little for you, if you would like?"

"I would love that." He shoots him an excited smile and Taerae grabs his guitar, setting it on his lap and starts to play. His fingers strum the strings delicately and the room seems to almost lose its gloomy vibe with the song being played. Taerae is grinning, his eyes shifting between his guitar and Gunwook's eyes. He likes it, how he feels at the moment.

The song comes to an end and Gunwook's smile is genuine, not forced. He doesn't think it had even hurt to smile with Taerae.

"You play so well, did you take classes?"

"No, I learned it myself. There are very limited things you can do at a hospital, I usually play for the kids in here, make them feel comfortable with my music."

"Really? That's...thoughtful. And you are exceptionally good at it, too." Gunwook's eyes are wide in shock and Taerae lets out a laugh, finding him adorable.

"Well, when you find a thing that makes you feel free, allow you to let out your thoughts and emotions, you become decent at it. When I play guitar, hum a new tone, write a new lyric, time and place don't matter anymore. I can just forget my illness and fly away with music, wherever I want to."

There's a pause and then Taerae continues.

"If anything ever bothers you I can play for you again, make you fly with me."

Gunwook nods, his heart beats to the tune Taerae sings. And he imagines writing with Taerae, in the future.

Taerae is still looking into Gunwook's eyes, the distance between them close. So he leans back, breaking eye contact first.

Taerae sets the guitar down and Gunwook catches a glimpse of a polaroid at the back of the guitar. A laughing Taerae beside a girl with dark hair.

He had seen her before, in other polaroids stuck on different walls in the room.

"You two look close." Gunwook says, looking at a sleeping picture of Taerae and the girl at the edge of the table. "Is that your friend?"

Taerae fixes his eyes to the polaroid and Gunwook feels like he almost imagined the hurt look in his eyes lasting for only a split moment. "Friend...ya, something like that. She was a friend."

"Was a friend?"

The door creaks open before Taerae can reply.

"Taerae, it's time for your IV-" The newcomer glances between the two boys and raises a single eyebrow. "Oh you have a friend over?"

"Oh, Hanbin." Taerae's eyes shift between Hanbin and Gunwook. "Uh, yeah."

Gunwook stands up abruptly. "I guess I'll, uh, leave then."

Taerae nods as Gunwook walks across the room to the door, giving Hanbin a small nod on his way. Hanbin goes to Taerae, sitting at the edge of the bed and rolling up his sleeves.

Gunwook stops on his tracks and turns around to ask, "Can I visit again?"

"Huh-?"

"I would like to, um,...hear you play again." He adds swiftly.

Taerae gives him a smile immediately. "Sure, your permission is granted," his laugh reaches Gunwook's ears like music, "but you have to bring a present."

He furrows his eyebrows, "a present?"

"Yeah, I need some inspiration to play something new for you."

Gunwook's heart sways. "Sure, will do."

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

"That's it for today. Council members, meet me after class." The teacher collects his books as the bell rings, dispersing everyone.

Gunwook is out of the door in the next moment, vibrating with excitement to meet Taerae. Just then he feels a hand on his shoulder and a familiar voice call out.

"Gunwook! You are not coming to play today either?" Ricky questioned with a raised eyebrow, scanning around Gunwook to find his sports bag he stopped carrying around a while back.

"Hm, no. I think I'm done with soccer." Gunwook nonchalantly replied, inserting his earphones.

"What? You are kidding right- Gyuvin! Get off me!"

Gyuvin laughed, messing up Ricky's hair and earning a glare, then turned to look at Gunwook, "whatcha doing? Coming to play?"

"No, I have to go somewhere."

"Jellyfish?"

"Uh, no."

Ricky chimed in, his expression softening, "what happened, Gunwook? You disappeared a month before vacation and now it's like you’ve completely changed."

"Yeah," Gyuvin chimed in, "is it about the accident you had? Six months should be enough, right?"

Gunwook forced a laugh. There was no way he could tell them, he doubted they would even remain his friends if he did. "I haven’t changed Ricky, chill. And I stopped the treatment, I just...don't like soccer as much now, I guess."

"But-"

"Look at the time, damn… I'm running late. Bye!" He waved at them before crossing the road and beginning to run.

But you've got to bring me a present

The bell chimes when Gunwook enters the In Bloom flower shop, fidgeting with his backpack strap and looking around. The smell hits him almost instantly. The walls are decorated with vines of jasmines and ivy, potted plants and loose flowers decorated on shelves and tables.

Just then, he makes accidental eye contact with the owner, his hair bright red, who smiles at Gunwook warmly.

"Welcome to In Bloom! Looking for something in particular?"

"Ah, no. just something for a friend." He says, crouching down to look at the potted plants he can't really recognize.

"A special friend?" The man teases with a playful tone. Gunwook looks up at him with wide eyes.

"No no, I'm visiting him in the hospital."

"Oh," his expression changed to a serious one instantly, "I don't recommend potted plants, they can have many germs in them."

"Ah..." Gunwook slowly gets up and looks around.

"How about some gerberas?" The owner picks one with yellow petals and takes in the redolent. "They signify hope, there are over a thousand varieties of them."

"Really? That's interesting..."

He continues, "pink ones are a symbol of admiration, white for childlike innocence, yellow for cheerfulness. Which ones would you like?"

Gunwook gives it a thought, a picture of Taerae flashing in his mind. The orange sweater he was wearing which seemed to engulf him whole. "How about...orange?"

"Friendship and warmth." He picks up the orange one.

"And blue?" 

"Loyalty."

Gunwook reaches out a hand to touch the softness of the petals, the same softness he feels inside him when he sees Taerae. "I'll take these five. All these colors"

"Sure thing."

Gunwook knocks the door once, then twice. "Taerae hyung?" Upon getting no response, he allows himself in, just taking a small peek to find Taerae sleeping peacefully, buried under the blanket.

He settles the bouquet of flowers on the windowsill and sees a blurred polaroid of what seemed like a sunset. The red sky meeting the sea at the horizon and lending it its color to create a mesmerizing look.

"Sneaking in now, are we?"

Gunwook tears his gaze away and jumps slightly. Turning around, he sees Taerae's head propped up on a pillow, his hair falling onto his lashes.

"Oh! No, no i just- you were asleep so-"

Taerae laughs heartily, cutting him off. "Gunwook, I was joking."

He sits up, a yawn escaping his lips as he rubs his eyes. Gunwook forces himself to look away and picks up the flowers, walking over to Taerae.

"Ah... I got these for you."

"Gerbera daisies?" Taerae's eyes lights up, like the sun at the beach. Gunwook turns to the red sea. "They are my absolute favourite, thank you!"

"I'm glad you liked them. They signify hope, so are recommended for hospital visits." He shoves his hands in his pocket as he replies.

Taerae looks up and simply stares at him with a slight smile, it didn't seem to reach his eyes.

Gunwook immediately realised what he had just said. "Ah...my bad, I-"

He shakes his head, "it's alright. Hope is a good emotion. I'll be able to write some good lyrics, hopefully." He stands up with a full smile, setting the bouquet of flowers at the windowsill.

"Oh right! I should treat you to some coffee. It's surprisingly good here."

Gunwook nods hesitantly, "sure," and follows Taerae outside. 

As soon as the door opens, they find Hanbin standing in front of them, his hand outstretched and holding the knob.

"Ah, I didn't know you had friends over..." His gaze lingers on Taerae for a while before moving to Gunwook, "I'm sorry but...Taerae has to get some physical tests done right now, so-"

"Oh, right." He turns to Gunwook, "I'm sorry but can we postpone?"

"Ya, ya, it's no big deal. Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow."

Gunwook begins to leave first, waving them goodbye, taking the staircase while Taerae and Hanbin take the elevator.

He smiles to himself in solitaire, humming a tune. He looks forward to tomorrow, for the first time in a while. He feels jumpy with giddiness, already thinking about going to the flower shop again and buying him the same flowers again and seeing him smile with his dimple in sight, looking forward to getting to know him over a cup of coffee. Lost in his daydream, he misses the slippery stairs under his feet, only hitting back to reality when he slips, his hands flapping to get ahold of something. A steady hand scoops under his arm to stabilise him and he sighs a breath of relief. He couldn't really afford any more injuries. Mentally more than physically.

He turns his head to thank the person and is taken aback instead by the familiar face.

"Jiwoong hyung..."

"It's been a while."

Passing the glass windows and open offices, Jiwoong led Gunwook to his cabin, the sharp fluorescent lights making him squint his eyes. He had told Jiwoong so many times to replace them with warm lights but the old man refused to.

Jiwoong takes off the white coat, throwing it over the treatment table and sits down on his chair behind the desk, gesturing to Gunwook to sit as well.

He hesitates but obliges anyway.

"You missed your session a few days back." Jiwoong starts, choosing his words carefully. Gunwook stays silent, his eyes fixated on his fidgeting fingers, digging out the dirt from under his nails as he gets reminded of how long it has been since he cut his nails. Or his hair. Or washed his hair, even.

"Gunwook, the next session-" Jiwoong continues, but Gunwook is quick to interrupt.

"I won't be continuing."

His words came out soft but were enough for silence to consume them, taking Jiwoong back.

"I'm sorry?"

Gunwook cleared his throat, looking up at his physiotherapist. "I won't be continuing the therapy. There's no point in it anyways."

"What do you mean there's no point?"

"I mean... you told me last time I won't be able to play soccer anymore, professionally. Even after an exhausting number of sessions, I won't be able to play or dance. The only two things I cared about are being taken away from me and there's no way you can fix it, so what's the point? What's the...point in anything?" His voice cracks at the end, choked words coming out.

Jiwoong offers a tissue to Gunwook which he declines, looking up instead and blinking rapidly.

His hands turn to fists and a small sigh escapes his lips. "Gunwook, I'm...I'm sorry you feel that way. You might be feeling hopeless right now, but you are still young. Though the chances are less, but I have had many patients who recovered very well and were able to pursue whatever they wanted to."

He is lying. Gunwook is sure he is lying. He knows he won't be able to recover fully and he would take the blame for it, majorly. He had fucked up his body, he knows it, he turned away from his body for his own fucked up standards he set for himself and so now when he needs his body the most, it turned away from him too.

Jiwoong continues, "recovery is difficult and in your case, it must be...mentally challenging as well. But we can take small steps, hm?"

"There's no need for that. I'm not continuing."

"But why?"

Because I'm going to kill myself anyway.

"Because I cannot recover."

"You cannot or you don't want to?"

Gunwook opens his mouth to protest but stops. He can't argue with that. He wants to recover, he really does. He would exercise a hundred hours, take all the meds Jiwoong tells him to but he can't go against himself.

His mind knows what steps he should take to recover, in not one way but both. He should, most probably. But it's just so scary. Losing control. He has lost control so many times and it never got better, he was never able to let it go.

But why can't he let it go when his whole career is at stake?

He has given his whole body to soccer, practicing for hours on end, each bruise and each scab worn as a medal with pride, as an acknowledgment of his efforts.

But right now, why is he choosing his sick body over soccer? He has no answer to that.

Jiwoong sighs, putting on his glasses and says "I'm saying this not as a doctor but as someone who can help you out. I have seen you go from passionate to... this in the past month. I'm worried about it, about you."

Gunwook smacks his teeth together. "There's nothing to be worried about-"

"Gunwook. You overdosed a week ago." 

Gunwook could hear his heartbeat in his ear, pounding so loud that his head started to hurt.

"And...I don't know how else I should address it, but I have seen you lose a large amount of weight since your first session, that was one of the reasons I told you it would be hard to recover and you won't be able to play."

"How does what I eat affect this?" He raises his voice a decibel, a weird gnawing feeling in his stomach as soon as Jiwoong's words leave his mouth.

"I'm exercising just like you told me to, even more than that in order to recover quickly. I read that athletes recover faster than normal people, so why was my recovery taking so much time? Still, I was patient, I repeated the same pattern on and on and on and then you come up and tell me I have to do more?" He pants slightly, glaring at Jiwoong as if he was blaming him. "I'm sorry but I'm a human too, I have my limits of enduring this." He stands up abruptly, causing the chair to screech as it was flung back, nearly toppling over in his sudden action.

Jiwoong is quiet, taken aback, but his eyes hold a hurt look he is trying to suppress. His jaw hangs as he tries to say something but words fail him.

Gunwook gives him a slight nod and walks across the room to head out of the door-

"Gunwook." Jiwoong calls out, causing Gunwook to stop and turn around. "I might be asking for too much but...please try to reconsider. You have a lot of things to look forward to."

Gunwook hesitates, a number of images flashing in his mind. He finally nods. "I'll try." And with that, he walks out, not planning to ever come back.

Gunwook steps inside the shower, shivering as the cold water hits his body. With a shaky breath, he runs a hand through his hair, eyes tightly shut as strands of hair break and stick to his wet hand.

He runs another, more brittle strands breaking as he continues wetting his hair.

He feels like crying when he applies shampoo and his hair knots on his scalp, more strands breaking. He can feel them, the hair on his whole hand.

Without opening his eyes he washes them in the basin and finally opens them as his hair goes into the drain.

I cannot do it.

He steps out.

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

It had been five more days of Gunwook meeting up with Taerae after school and slowly getting to see all the polaroids he had taken, most of them containing the same dark haired girl with huge eyes and a mole on her chin. The more he saw her, the more curious he grew about the mystery girl, about Taerae and her past.

He saw the polaroids of them under a forte of pillows with snacks and some movie playing on the laptop, the silly ones of them making funny faces, going to fares, under the cherry blossoms, at the beach, blowing birthday candles, with a kitten at the playground, ranging from their early ages till what seemed like middle school.

Their smiles were genuine in each and every shot, their eyes filled with adoration and admiration for each other.

Those same eyes were now glossy whenever Taerae looked at those polaroids, a longing look and a slight smile etched onto his face.

So Gunwook never questioned him about her, he wouldn't want to make him more upset, making him reminisce about those times and tell Gunwook about his past.

But finally after days of staying silent, an opportunity presented itself right in front of Gunwook's eyes.

The mystery girl in the flesh. In his school cafeteria.

"Can you stop staring at that girl so intensely?" Gyuvin interrupts Gunwook's trail of thought as he says it, making a disgusted face at her. "Right in front of my salad."

Gunwook peeled his eyes off her to stare at Gyuvin and then at his plate with not a speck of green on it.

"Do you know her?" Gunwook questions. Gyuvin knew pretty much everyone and fit right in with people. If he knew the mystery girl was in his school, he would have asked Gyuvin about her already.

"She's a senior in my art club." Ricky replies instead, taking a small bite of his fried rice. "Why? You like her or something?"

"No. I just know her from somewhere." He looks back at her, sitting with her friends and laughing at something one of them said.

"What's her name?"

"Yuna or Yura. One of those. Probably Yuna."

Gyuvin chimes in, "I don't recommend liking, or even talking to her, to be honest. She's rude."

"She's not. You kicked the football at her portfolio she spent days on, of course she would be mad at you." Ricky rolls his eyes at Gyuvin.

"And you!" Gyuvin points at Ricky with his fork, eyes wide in offence. "You didn't even try to save me from her scolding!"

"You deserved it."

"I was just fooling around."

"In the corridors-"

Gunwook stands up abruptly, causing Gyuvin and Ricky to stop bickering. The girl, Yuna (or Yura) was leaving.

"I gotta go." Gunwook says quickly, taking his jacket and scurrying off while Ricky shouted behind him. "Where- you didn't even touch your food!" "This punk.."

Gunwook cuts his way through the crowd, keeping an eye on the girl as he chases after her.

"Excuse- me, Yuna!"

She comes to a halt, turning around with an eyebrow raised at Gunwook.

"Uh, do you know him?" The girl beside her asks.

"Sorry, do I know you?"

"Oh, uh, I'm Park Gunwook, from the soccer club. I'm a junior..." He trails off, seeing her confused expression. And so adds quickly, "and Ricky's friend. He's in your art club-"

"Yes, I do know him. What do you want from me?" He crosses her arms, not even hiding the roll of her eyes.

"Actually I-" he pauses to shift his eyes between the two other girls beside Yuna, hesitating to ask what he wanted. "Um...can I- talk to you in private?"

She stares at him for a moment before scoffing, "what? You wanna confess you like me or something?"

Gunwook's eyes turn to saucers as he shakes his head vigorously. "No I-"

"I'm not interested. You should go, don't you have any classes?" She chuckles along with her friends as they start to walk again.

Gunwook feels the opportunity slipping through his fingertips and in panic, lets out without another thought. "Do you happen to know Kim Taerae?"

She stops dead in her tracks, her eyes lost and uneasy looking at Gunwook. "Taerae..."

He continues, taking a step forward, "Did you ever take care of a kitten you found at the playground with him? Make pillow forts and watch movies, go to fares, visit the beach?"

He sees something shift in her eyes but it's gone before he can read it. She clutches her bag strap and lets out a sharp exhale, turning to her friends with a forced smile, "I'll catch up with you in a while."

"So, he's in the hospital again..." She trails off, climbing down a staircase with Gunwook behind her.

"Yeah, he seems to have been there for a while now. But I'm the only one who ever visits him. So, uh, I think he would like it if someone else visits him, you know?" Gunwook says, looking at Yuna with hopeful eyes.

Instead, she just scoffs playfully, "so you wanna impress him."

It's not a question.

"No! That's...that's not it. I just..." they come to a stop in front of the playground, "wanna help."

She turns to him, his face devoid of any emotions, "look, Gunwook, right? I have no intention of visiting him." She looks down at her shifty feet, "I haven't seen him at all since middle school. And I wouldn't exactly call us friends anymore."

Gunwook just stares at her, the way she speaks as if she doesn't care but her voice turns shaky towards the end.

She looks up at Gunwook, searching for words.

"I don't think he would be too thrilled to see me either." She concludes before walking away, leaving Gunwook standing there, staring at her go.

Taerae strums his guitar, one hand on it while the other writes in his lyric book. Well, the page consists less of actual writing and more of scribbling and doodling small animals, bears particularly, at the margins.

He turns the page and to his surprise, a polaroid falls onto his lap.

The strumming stops as he stares at it, when he still had a life to look forward to, with Yuna.

He peers away from it, his eyes landing on the daisies on the windowsill, its petals withering away.

He lets out a sigh and rests his head on his knees, clutching the polaroid while he whispers an apology.

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

The machine whirrs and the coffee starts dripping, its aroma diffusing in the small room. Taerae has a wide smile on his face as he prepares the two cups of coffee and brings it to the small wooden table, passing one to Gunwook.

He utters a small thanks and looks inside the cup. The strong smell of the coffee, the warmth of the milk and the sweetness in the air hit him all at once.

Milk is approximately 20 calories- wait is it full milk or half skimmed? Let's round off to 40.

40 means 200 crunches.

The sugar-

"Everything okay?" Taerae asks, snapping Gunwook out of his thoughts. He glances at the coffee and then at Gunwook, "ah, do you want it some other way? I can-"

"No!" Gunwook exclaims, "it's alright. I do like it this way." He sends him a smile and brings the cup to his lips, hesitating before he takes a sip.

Make that 500 crunches.

"It's good."

Taerae smiles, his dimple slightly visible.

"Oh ya," Gunwook keeps the cup down, reaching out to hold the flowers and the small box kept beside him, "I got these for you."

Taerae's eyes instantly light up, the smile widening and the dimple goes deeper into his cheek.

A pleasant gasp escapes his lips and he takes the flowers in his hands, "I honestly didn't think you would bring me flowers so often, they have really made an impression." He turns to face the flowers, and gives a gentle caress to the delicate petals, "let's survive for a week this time, alright? We can do it."

Gunwook chuckles along with Taerae as he sets the bouquet aside and then turns to the small white box, opening it up.

"The owner of the flower shop, Yeonjun, told me to bring you something from the bakery across the street." Gunwook explains. "He said the banana roll is great, one of the specialities."

Taerae leans in to smell the fragrance, "hmm, it seems delicious, my mouth is already watering."

With that, he picks it up and takes a bite.

He lets out a squeal, eyes wide as he covers his mouth with his hand and looks at Gunwook, then begins to stomp his feet on the floor.

"It's so good, take a bite!" He says with a stuffed mouth, bringing his roll to Gunwook’s mouth. Gunwook cannot deny those eyes, it’s too cruel.

He cranks his neck forward, taking a small bite, just enough to taste it and keep it in his mouth after two bites. "It's so tasty," Gunwook hums gladly.

"Haruna! Haruna!"

Gunwook snaps his head to the feminine voices, Taerae following his eyes too.

The girl, Haruna, he supposed, is sitting at the couch in the room, her leg in a plaster. Soon enough the girls gathered around her, squealing and fake crying about how much they missed her.

"That looks so painful."

"Are you really alright?"

"Of course, I don't feel a thing."

"All because she dropped you-"

"Hey! It wasn't just me."

"Sure, sure."

"Don't fight, girls."

The laughter echoes in the room and Gunwook turns to Taerae, already feeling the latter's eyes deeply bittersweet.

The genuine smile was still plastered across his face, but it looked like it hurt him more to smile rather than look grim.

"Would you like to just head back to your room?" Gunwook asks softly, careful for his words to not reach the girls chatting away, saying it with a hint of humour. "All this chatter is annoying me a bit."

Taerae turns to him with a faltering smile then his lips tug at their corners again. The bittersweet look in his eyes is gone as he looks at Gunwook and nods at his suggestion.

Gunwook is staring at the polaroids again, these ones carefully stored in a binder with dates written under, some having small captions beneath them which makes his heart warm.

They start from Taerae's childhood, him in his mother's lap, a boy around his age carrying a baby Taerae awkwardly. All his childhood memories stored with a click of a camera, binded in this folder where he would live eternally.

He turns the page to find a polaroid of him and Yuna, in school uniforms eating ice cream.

He smacks his lips together and begins, "Taerae hyung, is there someone you would like to see visit you?"

Taerae stands up from the floor by the windowsill where he had been staring at the flowers with a faraway look in his eyes, and hums in thought.

Gunwook urges, "what about the girl you said you were friends with before?"

Taerae takes a seat beside Gunwook on the couch, his hands under his thighs. "I would like to meet... my mother."

"Your mother?"

"Hmm."

"Does she..not visit you?"

"She hasn't in six years. You know, she would always take time out of her schedule to visit me. Bring me sweets and board games. She was the one who gifted me this guitar, too. Though I only got the courage to pick it up recently."

Taerae chuckles to himself, pulling his knees up and hugging them close.

"She did everything in her power to make me happy. When I was hospitalized she would finish her work and come over as soon as she could to spend time with me. It must have been hard for her too. So I want to apologise to her, for being such a frail child with a body giving up on him."

He turns to Gunwook, flashing a smile. "She loved the beach. I wish I could visit it with her again, if my body would allow me to."

"Are these reports for room 203, Han Yujin?"

Gunwook's ears perked up at the sound of Hanbin's voice.

"Uh, excuse me," Gunwook called out, jogging to Hanbin's side, "you are the head nurse, right?"

Hanbin is taken aback but nods his head slightly.

"I was just wondering about, uh, Taerae's family."

Hanbin raises an eyebrow, "his family?"

"Yeah. I’ve never seen anyone visit him, I think he would like it, seeing a familiar face. And... his mother is not able to visit him?" He smacks his lips again, nervously, "Not trying to pry or anything, but I was wondering if... the hospital could try to contact his mother? Could you do that?"

Gunwook has hope in his eyes and Hanbin's eyes soften a little, his eyebrows furrowing.

"I mean it would be great to contact his father too, or some sibling, someone he could rely on. Is there... anyone?"

Hanbin looks down, taking a deep shaky inhale and then again at Gunwook with a small smile. "Would you like to take a little walk with me?"

He begins to walk before Gunwook has the time to reply; but of course, he follows.

"About Taerae's family, he has a brother. He works in this hospital but he's rarely free to come and spend time with Taerae. He's the only breadwinner of the family, Taerae's only guardian."

Gunwook stops dead in the tracks, "What...?"

"His mother...I'm sorry. Even if I wanted to, I cannot reach her."

"Huh?" He's too taken aback to even form a coherent sentence. Dread fills up in the pit of his stomach and he finally figures why Taerae's smile was there, yet his eyes were void of any happiness.

"She had an accident." He flattens his back against the wall and says, "the doctor gave him a green light that day, so Taerae and his mother set off for the beach. But Taerae hid the fact that he felt ill that day. He was feeling suffocated and..." his lower lip quivers.

"Taerae, should we buy some pastries? The sunset looks even better with some dessert." She teases, her eyes on the road.

"Yeah, let's do that."

"I'm glad we are going to the beach. I'm sure you will love it-" she stops when suddenly small pants are heard from behind her.

She turned to Taerae with worry lacing her voice, "Taerae, hey. Baby, what's wrong?"

"Mom...I-" Taerae choked, tears blurring his vision as he hit his chest, he had difficulty breathing.

"Taerae! Hey, baby, are you okay? Taerae!"

There was a loud honk and as soon as she turned around, the truck crashed onto them.

Taerae's ears picked up the noises of the ambulance and shouting of people before he felt someone shaking him and an oxygen mask was  placed on his mouth before finally, his eyes opened. Immediately they fell onto his mother's hand, her ring giving away that it was her.

The car was on fire and she was still inside.

"He believes it's all his fault. That it is him who should have died. And he just wants to see his mother again, as soon as he can."

Hanbin's eyes are teary but he looks up to blink rapidly and stops himself.

"She was really close with me too, treated me like her son. That's why I took on her duty to take care of Taerae."

Gunwook is silent as he sees Hanbin clear his throat and force a smile on his face before opening the door to room 203 and entering.

An around 13 year old boy inside, Yujin, jumps in excitement only to roll his eyes when his eyes fall on Hanbin.

"Did you eat?" Hanbin questions and Yujin nods his head, sitting up again and rolling up his sleeves.

"Why aren't you ever happy to see me?" Hanbin asks in a faux sulky voice, a pout on his lips.

"Because you only ever visit me to ruin- l mean, take my blood samples."

"So, doing my job basically?"

"Also you aren't Taerae hyung." He shakes his head and looks out of the door where Gunwook stands.

"You." Yujin points a finger at Gunwook with a disgusted expression, making Gunwook come back to reality. "Aren't you the one who stole Taerae hyung from us?"

"I...I did what?"

Hanbin let out a laugh, "Gunwook, come inside and take a seat please. And Yujin, he didn't steal Taerae or anything."

Gunwook obliges as Hanbin readies a syringe.

"He did! Taerae hyung doesn't spend time with us anymore. Woonhak and Leeso and Yerin agree too."

Hanbin hums, "how does Taerae even spend time with you guys?"

"Well," Yujin starts, "he plays the guitar for us. And he always accompanies us to our physical exams, not anymore though," he sends Gunwook a small glance who is sitting stiffly with his hands curled into fists, "eating together and playing games with us and just... listening to us, you know?"

Hanbin rubs a cotton on Yujin's arm and says, "so don't you think Taerae hyung also might want someone who listens to him? His worries and thoughts?"

"I can listen to him." Yujin says, puffing up his chest.

"There are some things you may not understand. Like.." Hanbin pretends to think, tapping a finger on his chin and snaps his finger, "Doctor Jiwoong doesn't understand Instagram."

Yujin scoffs, "because he's too old."

"Exactly. And you are too young." Hanbin tucks Yujin in bed. "Taerae wants someone who can understand him, someone he can lean on."

"And that someone is...him?" Yujin looks at Gunwook who looks like a deer caught in headlights.

"Me?" Gunwook questions and Hanbin nods.

"Get some sleep, I will wake you up for dinner," Hanbin says after giving Yujin a small nod. He heads to the door with Gunwook behind him.

As soon as the door shuts behind Gunwook, Hanbin starts again, "Taerae has shut himself out from the world for so long," then turns to Gunwook, "and you are the one who opened it again, even if it's for a little while."

"I hope I'm not asking for too much but...if it doesn't interfere with your studies and goals, please do stay friends with him."

That night, Gunwook stares at his mother's contact number for what feels like hours. Laying on his bed, the tip taps of the water dropping onto the sink from a faulty tap being the only sound in the empty room, besides his pounding heartbeat.

His finger hovers on the screen before he finally swipes the contact number and the phone rings.

He partially wishes his mother doesn't pick it up, he hadn't called in so long so that it was easier for him to be gone.

I want to apologize to her...

I don't want to have to apologize to her.

It rings once, then twice, thrice.

Gunwook tells himself she won't pick it up.

It rings for the fifth time and Gunwook brings it from his ear to infront of his face to cut the call-

"Hello?"

Gunwook's breath hitches. "Mom..."

"Gunwook-ah~" her voice is still sweet as always, tender like her hugs.

Gunwook wraps a hand around himself, turning to lay on his side.

"It's been so long. Dad and I miss you ." The voice said.

His words waver, not knowing what to say.

"I miss you, too, mom."

" Have you been eating well? Don't tell me you are still eating all that trash from the convenience store."

Gunwook's eyes are blurry with tears as he lets out a small laugh, "of course not! I know how to cook, mom. You taught me everything."

" Yeah, yeah. Our all rounder." She chuckles. " How's your treatment going?" Her voice is still tender, a hint of worry at its edge.

"It's...it's going well. The doctor said I will be able to resume my dancing and soccer again soon."

" It's so good to hear that! I'm glad that you will be able to achieve your dreams. You have a bright future ahead of you."

Gunwook bites his lip, wiping off his tears and choke out the words.

" Oh, how are your friends? Ricky and Gyuvin, right?"

Gunwook swallows the lump in his throat. "They are alright. Just the usual bickering everyday while I'm the mediator."

She laughs, " sounds like them. Did you make any new friends? Or should I say, a boyfriend?"

His mind instantly goes to Taerae. "Uh...yeah. I met someone recently. He's...really sweet. His voice is even sweeter."

" He's in your agency?"

"No no, he's just...I met him at the hospital."

She hums and he continues, "he also plays the guitar and his lyrics are really good. When I hear them it's like...just so...touching. It makes my heart run faster- oh, he has a dimple on his cheek too."

" Ooh, he must be handsome too ." Her voice is playful, teasing.

"He is."

"Does he make you happy?"

Gunwook ponders, has he felt happy? His heart sinks a little when he meets him, knowing how he's suffering. What exactly is happy? That it doesn't hurt to smile? That he looks forward to tomorrow just to meet him. If so, then of course.

"Yeah, he does."

" I'm glad. You deserve to be happy ."

He hums.

For a minute there is silence between them and Gunwook breaks it suddenly.

"I'm sorry."

" Gunwook-ah. Why are you sorry ?"

"I just..." because I'm not as good at life as you think I am, "I just am. I don't know why."

" Wookie, you are happy, aren't you ?"

No . "...I don't know."

Gunwook hears her taking a deep breath and shift around.

" My baby, it's okay to cry."

A sob that had been bubbling beneath his chest, gnawing at the pit of his stomach, ripples out.

"It's better to let those emotions out. It's been so hard for you."

Gunwook cannot hold it anymore, he wants to tell her everything, he wants to feel her warmth, his hands are too cold to provide him that. His room is too too cold, his stomach too empty, his smile too strained.

Tears blind his vision and he curls into himself.

" My doors are always open for you, my lap is always here to rest your head. Don't forget that, Gunwook."

He hums, not trusting his mouth to let out words instead of sobs.

She waits, her presence strong beside Gunwook despite her being so far away.

"We are so proud of you, Wookie. Your dad and I, we are so happy to have you as our son. Not you, the topper, the best sportsperson, the best dancer, singer, not all that. Just you, our son."

"Mom..." his words quiver, throat parched due to his crying. "Can you...can you sing me a lullaby?"

" Of course, Wookie. Anything for you ."

She begins to sing, her voice sweet, like she's cradling him in her lap. He imagines her hand stroking his hand, the warmth of her body.

He closes his eyes to soak it in, taking in what he had missed for so long.

And it must have been the first time in a while. Him sleeping peacefully while he genuinely felt warm.

At the end, his mother's sweet voice turns to Taerae's deep and soothing one.

He smiles as the slumber pulls him in.

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

The next morning, Gunwook walks over to the bus stop instead of taking his usual route to school. It might have been all the crying that tired him out but he just couldn't walk to school and endure 8 hours of cruelty there.

The screeching of the bus tires coming to a stop reaches his ears first as he turns a corner, his eyes falling on Ricky standing there, looking around, as the others board the bus.

Gunwook just merely stares as the bus begins to move and just as it is gone, he sees Gyuvin running towards the stop.

"Nooo, I missed the bus, I can't be late for morning practice." He pants, stopping beside Ricky to catch his breath.

Ricky had his hands on his hips,as he shook his head, "it’s the third time you missed the bus this week."

"…What do I do now?"

"Walk. Obviously." Ricky says as he starts to walk, Gyuvin walking behind him with hunched shoulders. He doesn't miss the way a slight smile tugs at Ricky's lips as Gyuvin whines.

Seeing them disappear, Gunwook stands at the bus stop just as another bus comes to a stop in front of him. National University Hospital flashes on its screen.

He boards without much thought, only Taerae's dimpled smile on seeing him engulfing his mind.

The door chimes and Gunwook enters In Bloom, his gaze immediately falling on Yeonjun mending the flower pots.

He lifts his eyes for a mere second and says in a sing-song, "well, well, if it isn't Mr. Gerbera."

Gunwook sends him a small nod and starts looking around. "Can I have the same five of those flowers?"

Yeonjun leaves his place from behind the shelf and as he walks towards Gunwook, he sizes him up, taking in the uniform he was wearing, a pleasant shock visible on his face.

A meaningful smile spreads across his face as he starts mending to the gerbera daisies, picking them up for Gunwook. "So this is a special friend, if you are willing to skip school to visit them."

Gunwook’s eyes widen as he stumbles over his words with a shy smile, "uh, no, um- it's not like... that. It's just someone I know. Yeah." He rubs his hand on his nape and chuckles awkwardly.

Yeonjun presses his lips together to contain the laughter bubbling inside his throat. "Well, I recommend a sixth. On me, okay?"

He takes another flower, a light hue of pink, and adds it to the bunch.

"There's no need-"

"It's okay, don't worry." He simply says and moves back to his desk where he sets the flowers on a sheet.

Gunwook follows after him hesitantly, his eyes shifty as Yeonjun gathers them in a bouquet.

"With Gerberas," Yeonjuns starts, "the meaning changes depending on how many you have as well."

He picks it up and gently hands him to Gunwook, "six gerberas together... means that I'm falling for you."

Gunwook cannot help but blush, the pink hue of the new gerbera now spreading across his face.

"Oh, there's one more in here."

Taerae says with a shocked smile, turning to Gunwook.

He immediately straightens his back and turns around to face Taerae. "Oh, uh, he gave me an extra. A freebie. Since I'm a regular..."

"Ahh, that's sweet of him." He looks back at them with a loving gaze, "I'm so glad to receive such pretty flowers."

They aren't as pretty as you.

Gunwook walks over to him and sits at the edge of the bed, his eyes fixed on Taerae's face.

Taerae turns around suddenly with eyes as wide as saucers, "Oh! I have something to show you." He turns around to pick up his phone from the table and unlocks it, Gunwook leans in to peek inside.

"I recently downloaded an app, and you know, there are so many singers there who post bits and pieces of their songs, it’s a whole community." He scrolls down to show it to Gunwook before clicking on his profile. "I posted a bit of my song too and people really liked it."

Gunwook takes the phone as he scrolls through the comments, filled with appreciation and encouragement.

"I plan to keep posting them till I can. My voice can stay here even when I'm not."

Gunwook remains silent, his smile wavering a little. He tightens it once again, for Taerae.

Instead, Taerae claps his hands together, "I know! We should make a song together!"

Gunwook looks up, surprised, and is suddenly aware of the distance between them. His eyes fall to Taerae's lips for a split moment before he backs away.

"Uh-, I... let me.." he picks up the flowers in a hurry, "put these in a vase for you."

He runs away, out of Taerae's sight towards the sink, a partition separating them.

He hears Taerae's small chuckle as he starts to cut the stems and Taerae begins to speak.

"I'm glad you come to visit me so often, but don't you have any friends? I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one." He almost imagines a small teasing smile on Taerae's face along with his words.

"It's not like I dont have friends, but I don't have many. And they are fine on their own." Gunwook replies, thinking back about Ricky and Gyuvin.

Taerae hums, "tell me about them."

"Well, Ricky is kind of like the school heartthrob, his hair color changes like seasons." He laughs a bit. "Gyuvin and I became friends because he wanted to get into the soccer team and wanted me to teach him."

"You play soccer too?" Taerae's voice is astonished and Gunwook cannot help but find it adorable.

"Yeah, we all do. Don't mention it in front of them, but I have a feeling Gyuvin wanted to join to get close to Ricky."

Taerae lets out an exasperated gasp, "scandalous!"

Gunwook bursts in laughter. "They don't accept it, but something is going on between them, I'm sure."

Taerae hums, dragging it all. "So that's why you were on the rooftop that day. Tired of being a third wheel huh?"

Gunwook just chuckles, shaking his head slightly. He moves out again, walking towards the window sill to set the flowers inside the vase after mending them.

"I really like you."

"H-huh?" Gunwook is taken aback by the sudden confession, his hands frozen as his body stills.

"Yeah," Taerae continues, "you are sweet and always bring me flowers and this pastry. I bet girls must be crushing on you left and right."

"Oh, uh..."

For a second I thought you...

"no it's nothing like that."

"Ah, boys then?" Taerae says, his voice trying to be nonchalant.

"No one is crushing on me." Gunwook says, his shoulders hunching again as he relaxes. The aftershock of what he thought was a confession washing away.

"You are just humble."

Gunwook cackles. "No, I'm kinda a loser in school."

"That's a charm on its own." He says with a giggle, "tell me, don't you like someone?"

"I...no, I don't."

Taerae squints eyes playfully, Gunwook can feel them boring on his back, "are you lying to me?"

"No." After a small pause, he questions back, "do you...have you ever liked someone?"

Taerae brings his knees up to his chest. "Nuh-uh. It's terrifying, love with a time limit."

"Huh?" He looks sideways, his ears perking up.

"Something that's about to end before it even starts. The feeling of seeing someone always be worried about your health, on the edge in case something happens, fearing their loss...I don't think I can bear it, love without a future, like you and everyone else."

"I don't. I don't have a future either."

The words don't seem to reach Taerae. Gunwook stands up, the urge to let everything out, come out clean to Taerae gnawing at his chest, threatening to spill out.

"Actually I-"

Taerae interrupts Gunwook, looking up at him with a shimmer in his eyes. "You have to live a long life and never give up. Don't you ever give up on love, ever. It's the most beautiful thing in the world, it's worth the experience. I wanna watch you from heaven. See what kind of an old man you will become, what kind of a family you will have, what kind of a person you fall in love with, what your future looks like. I'll pretend I'm there with you at all times, experiencing the things you experience. I hope you live a long, fulfilling life."

Gunwook can't say anything, the lump in his throat doesn't allow him to, so instead he simply nods with a tight smile.

"Will you honor my wish?"

I can't tell him. I can't tell him what I have been feeling, how I cannot see myself like he does.

"I'll visit everyday." Gunwook decides on saying instead, determination firing behind his eyes.

"Hm?"

"I'll visit you everyday." He repeats.

I want to stay with him, he thinks loud and clear in his head. For as long as I can. If I could exchange my life with him, I would have done it in a heartbeat. But I cannot, so I will give him my time, all of it, till he is taking his last breath. And only then I'll take mine.

Taerae smiles, "I'll wait for you then."

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

Days turn to weeks, weeks to a month and before they know it, leaves wither and fall to make way for winter snow.

A month of Gunwook and Taerae getting closer, playing music together (Gunwook began to learn guitar from Taerae), playing with Yujin and other kids at the hospital beside other things.

At one point, Gunwook snuck Taerae outdoors, took him to In Bloom and Yeonjun was more than happy to meet the receiver of his flowers. Soobin, the baker, offered Taerae anything he wanted on the menu for free, knowing he was the one Gunwook bought all those pastries and breads for.

Taerae gladly accepted the offer, trying a bit of everything he found mouthwatering, smelling each flower he came across, jumping over water puddles on the road with Gunwook, stomping on the autumn leaves, treating Gunwook (and himself) to the mango ice cream from the street vendor. Everything tasted a hundred times better, a hundred times sweeter, with Taerae.

The smile never left his face, his eyes crinkling to crescents and cheeks dimpling deep like his happiness.

Sure, they got scolded right after they returned and Taerae had to leave for physical tests, but it was worth it.

Gunwook's lonely nights were now spent with Taerae's giggles on the other side of the phone and endless talks as the moon watched over them, the stars twinkling as if teasing them.

His phone was never silent, buzzing with Taerae's messages, pictures of the hospital, the kids, himself (the bed selfies were his favourite), the flowers, anything and everything.

Gyuvin would swing an arm around Gunwook, peeking into his phone to catch a glance, curious about his newfound smile.

"Taerae? That's a unique name." He had said.

"What does she look like?" Ricky had prompted.

Gunwook ignored the questions, hoping they would stop bothering him if he just didn't respond. But it backfired, the questions increasing with time, teasing him by Taerae's name being a new addition. 

Gunwook began to enjoy small things in his life again. Walks to the hospital, the warm aroma of the bakery, the taste of the pastries, the strong yet sweet and creamy coffee, warm in his hands. He was content. He was happy.

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

"Summer vacations are starting soon. Have something special planned out?" Gunwook asks casually, sitting on the windowsill with his fingers playing with the strings of Taerae's guitar, billowing the room with soft notes.

Taerae snaps a quick polaroid of Gunwook and replies, "being sick doesn't come with a summer vacation." There's a pause, Gunwook stops his movements too. "I really wanna go somewhere though."

Gunwook turns to him, "I..I'm sorry i wasnt thinking- I..."

Taerae chuckles softly, shaking his head as he turns to Gunwook. His gaze goes outside the window for a split second before he hops up with a gasp.

"Oh, what about the fireworks festival?"

"What?" Gunwook sets the guitar down and stands up as Taerae comes to stand beside him.

"You can see the whole fireworks from up here. The first time I saw it, there was so much noise. I was so afraid I hid under the covers." He cuts off to laugh at himself then says again. "Then I saw it. The fireworks. They reached all the way to the ocean and it was breathtaking."

He turns to Gunwook, who seemed to already be looking at Taerae, "but watching it alone was a bit scary."

"Let's watch it together this year."

"You want to?" Taerae seems surprised and Gunwook has no idea why. He imagines the look on Taerae's face with the reds and yellows of the fireworks shining on his face, a smile brighter than the sky and answers.

"Yes." He would give anything to see that smile on his face.

Taerae brings his hand forward, stretching his pinkie. "Promise it."

Gunwook smiles as he copies the action. "Promise."

Taerae interwines their pinkies together. Gunwooks feels a little spark as they touch and Taerae smiles at him, a wide grin spreading across his face.

The door clicks open and both turn to see Hanbin frozen at the entrance, "am I...interrupting something?"

In sync, Gunwook and Taerae's eyes fall on their intertwined hands and in another instance, they back off.

"No, we were just-"

"It's nothing like that-"

They both look at each other and cannot help but laugh. Hanbin enters, a gentle smile on his face on seeing the two.

"I just came to give you the physical reports." Hanbin states and hands the reports to Taerae.

He opens it and Gunwook, now leaning against the windowsill, casually just takes a peek, his eyes instantly falling on the 59.6 kg at the top left corner.

59.6. That's...low.

Gunwook senses his mouth dry up, his mind reeling back to the two pastries he gobbled up with Taerae before.

When was the last time he checked his weight? When did he last walk to the hospital and school instead of taking the bus? When did he last have black coffee instead of the creamy one?

When did he lose control? When? How could he?

First, his eyes fall upon Taerae, his stomach barely visible, his fingers thin and delicate as he scans his reports.

He feels horrible, absolutely horrible for comparing himself to a person who's sick, on the verge of dying, whose body cannot hold the fat to support him.

And suddenly Gunwook misses the coldness he always felt, the feeling of his bones poking whenever he sat down or leaned against a wall, the feeling of the empty stomach and the sweet headache because of it. He misses it. He misses having control.

Looking down at his stomach, he wraps his arms around himself, tightening them around his stomach. He could feel the softness of it, could hold his fat between his fingers as he pinches it.

Anxiety bubbles under his chest, he blinks rapidly and takes a shaky breath.

Mumbling a polite 'excuse me' to Taerae and Hanbin, who seemed to be talking in hushed voices, or it was just the buzzing in Gunwook's ears, he rushes to the bathroom, his breathing ragged and uneven.

Lifting his shirt up and staring at the mirror, rubbing his hand over his stomach, he presses it and stares at how the fat squishes out from between his fingers.

He feels so... bloated, so heavy.

His eyes fall down to the weight machine at the corner and after a few minutes of hesitancy, he exhales all the air in his body and holds his breath, climbing on the machine.

As soon as the needle stops at 81.6 , Gunwook feels acid in his throat, he wants to hunch over and throw up all the contents in his body. He feels sick. He is sick.

He stumbles down and his vision is slightly blurry.

Looking up he sees himself in the mirror, but not quite himself.

He's not the 18 year old he is right now, his body has shrunk in height, widening slowly.

It's the 11 year old Gunwook staring back at him, whose body seems to be expanding, his stomach protruding and his skin hangs, arms too big, too fat to be proportionate to his body.

Seeing him makes him feel like he's still 11, all the memories hitting him at once, how he cried silently before bed because the kids in his class bullied him over his weight, how the weight machine showed him 80 kg repeatedly even though he did jumping jacks all day, how he stopped eating, threw away his lunch, hit himself over and over again.

He can feel what the 11 year old him felt at that time, the insecurities and the belief that he had to lose weight even if it was by starving himself.

Back to reality, his clothes feel too tight, every fabric clinging to his fat awkwardly in an annoying manner, as if he's wearing two more layers underneath, the layers being his fat.

He cannot look at himself, he cannot let anyone look at himself.

He feels... disgusted. Utterly disgusted.

Before he knows it, he's already out, running downstairs and out of the hospital.

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

The vacuum cleaner whirls into life but it doesn't act like an alarm this time, for Gunwook is already awake, staring at the ceiling completely expressionless.

As soon as he hears it, he knows there's no scope of going to sleep now.

His phone buzzes with a notification but he feels too tired to check it, too tired to move his limbs, too tired to write a text back, too tired for anything and everything.

He moves his arm to his stomach, over his exposed stomach and rubs over the smooth skin. He moves to his ribs, his fingertips light against the skin.

He barely feels them so he sucks in before trailing his fingers on the ribs again.

He feels the rigged skin over them, the bones just beneath his fingers, slightly poking out.

He tries to hold it but fails, the fat not allowing him to, so he once again moves his hand down, scanning over his caved in stomach to the hip bones, sharp and poking his skin.

His hand is light against the skin, feeling his bones just underneath them and it is enough to bring him some temporary relief.

He doesn't know how much time has passed, how many hours he has spent laying around, or doing a workout, or hearing his stomach grumble painfully.

He is sure he didn't sleep for at least a full 24 hours, all courtesy of his empty stomach.

He gets up slowly and walks up to the weight machine, breathing out to create vacuum inside his body and steps on it.

76.8 kg

Gunwook breathes out as he steps down in shock.

No. It can't be .

He was at 77 a day before. How could it be? He lost just 0.2 kg? No no no no no

He didn't eat, he burnt at least 700 calories through workouts, he went out for a run, he had at least 2 litres of water, then-

Oh . Gunwook stops his running thoughts and thinks, it's the sleep. I should have some sleep to lose weight.

He nods to himself and lays back on the bed as he pinches the fat on his stomach between his two fingers. His hands move over his stomach, a low growl and a pang of pain at his lower left causing him to jerk and clutch his stomach.

Hunger pangs. Of course.

His eyes are squeezed shut as he patiently waits for the pain to subside but still a low fiery sensation creeps up his stomach, all upto below his ribcage.

Pain means it's working. Pain means it's working. Pain means it's working.

The muscle at the corner of his lips starts pulsating and he decides it won't do.

Standing up with slightly unstable legs, he drags his feet to the small kitchen, taking out a painkiller from one of the only full cabinets in there, from the other, he takes out a box of tea bags.

He swallows two pills as he waits for the water to boil for the black tea and his eyes wander to the loaf of bread at the corner along with fruits and packets of noodles he bought just recently.

His stomach growls loudly as his hunger grows.

Closing his eyes, he thinks back to when he lost weight, how he was loved when he was thin, how he was accepted.

The 14 year old Gunwook, taking his first step in high school, and almost instantly everyone wanted to talk to him, befriend him.

When he went to the soccer field with his new friends, he felt so much lighter, almost like he was flying as he ran at full speed, how much easier it was to move around.

And soon he fell in love with the lightness, with chasing after the ball and the sweat that tickled down his face and chest, sweat meant he worked down, he lost calories, he earned the dinner, he loved the compliments and the girls swooning over him and just everything.

He got all of it only because he lost weight, only because he had control over his life now. He cannot lose it again.

He opens his eyes again and imagines the bread to be expired, convinces himself the noodles have bugs in them, envisioning it alone makes his hunger subside.

Pouring the tea inside the cup and watching it bloom into a shallow color due to the tea leaves, he wraps his hands around it for some warmth.

As he waits, he opens his laptop and goes onto the app, MySound, that Taerae told him about earlier.

Searching Taerae's username, he turns up the volume and listens to his sweet voice, humming along with him.

He never knew a voice could be this gentle, like a warm hug, like the apricity of a sunny afternoon in cold winters, like the words "everything would work out".

He scrolls further and stops as he sees a hidden post.

Clicking on it with a raised eyebrow, he is taken aback when a password box flashes on the screen.

He tilts his head in confusion, a password to see the post? Why would he do that?

He sees that it was posted a mere fifteen minutes back and switches off the laptop, finishing off the tea and going back to lay on the bed.

With his stomach not aching as much anymore and the short lived warmth in his body, slumber comes to him easily.

---

When Gunwook opens his eyes again, it is because of the banging on his door followed by the ringing on his phone.

He groans before declining the call and walking to the door.

Gunwook's throat is parched and his eyes are twitching, some strands of hair fall out as he runs a hand through them to tame the bed hair. His feet feel heavy as he makes his way to the door and opens it, coming face to face with Ricky and Gyuvin, his phone to his ear.

"Finally," Ricky exclaims, "what were you doing?"

"And why do you look so horrible?" Gyuvin asks, worry lacing his voice as he reaches out a hand and places it on Gunwook's forehead. "Are you sick?"

Gunwook slaps his hand away, rubbing his eyes, "no, I'm fine. Just...didn't sleep well."

Ricky raises an eyebrow in suspicion, "you disappeared the whole week too, what was that about?"

Gunwook pauses, it's been a whole week? He lost just 5 kg in a week?

But wait, looking from a different perspective, that's a whole new record.

The longest Gunwook has gone without eating was 4 days but he broke the record.

7 days. He cannot help but feel a little giddy, a little encouraged.

Encouraged that he can go further, get a little more worse.

Ricky snaps a finger in front of him and Gunwook clears his throat, "oh, uh, yeah I just- went back home. My mom called. And everything. So...yeah."

Gyuvin says with a little whine in his voice, "tell us next time, Gunwook-ah, we were worried sick."

"Yeah yeah," Gunwook waves a dismissive hand, "is that the only reason you guys came here?"

"No," Ricky replies, shoving a hand into his pocket and revealing three movie tickets, "we are going to the movies."

"The movies? Right now?"

"Yes, blame this dumbfuck," Ricky rolls his eyes towards Gyuvin who looks back at him with a small glare.

"I forgot to tell you before."

"You had a whole week to tell us, when we were meeting everyday, but you remembered only 3 hours before?"

"Yes."

"You-"

"Take your lovers quarrel somewhere else," Gunwook interrupts the two. "And I guess I'll pass-"

"No!" They both screamed at the same time, resulting in Gunwook jerking back.

"Do you know how expensive they were?" Gyuvin exclaims.

"I cannot spend 3 hours with him slapping my hand at every scene!"

"Yeah- hey!"

Gyuvin slaps Ricky's hand and Ricky turns to Gunwook, giving him a 'you see this?' look.

He sighs in response.

"Please," Gyuvin starts, his voice tender now, "we haven't spent some time together in so long-"

"Because of that Taerae," Ricky mutters under his breath.

Gyuvin continues anyway, "-I kinda miss you. We both do."

Gunwook's eyes soften a little, soaking in his words. He really hasn't spent too much time with them, scared that they will see right through him and his sick mind. In all this frenzy, he forgot they are his friends at the very end.

He sighs, "fine, give me a moment to change."

Gyuvin's eyes light up and he steps forward with open arms to engulf Gunwook in a hug but he swiftly shuts the door, the elder throwing a bunch of complaints from the other side.

Gunwook chuckles a little as he goes to throw on a hoodie, layering it with a flannel and wearing his thickest jeans he owned.

He walks into the bathroom and his eyes instantly fall on the weight machine.

Right, he had to check it after sleeping.

He looks down at his clothes, they must be weighing at least a whole kilogram- or would it be more?

He bites his lip as he steps on the machine and the numbers flash before his eyes, stopping on a 77.

The fuck?

No, it can't be.

Gunwook steps down and looks at the door, his friends waiting outside and then back at the machine. He contemplates removing his clothes again to recheck his weight, but the time is ticking away and according to Ricky, they are already running late.

He looks back at the door and mumbles a quiet sorry.

It shouldn't take much time, he decides as he peels off his clothes, a shiver running down his spine as the cold air nips at his bare skin.

Once he's just in his undergarments, he exhales again and holds his breath, stepping on the machine with eyes tightly shut.

He waits and waits and waits, before finally he opens his eyes, slowly, one after the other, taking just a peek at the numbere.

76.3

He sighs in relief, his knees buckling. Kneeling on the floor, he takes a deep breath, "thank god..."

There's a bang on the door, followed by, "are you wearing clothes or making them?!"

Gunwook smiles widely as he hops up with a newfound energy, putting them on again as fast as possible, grabbing his phone and a hand warmer (just in case, since the cinemas blast off the air conditioner all the time) and jogging out of the door. "Let's go."

—

"I thought you said we were late," Gunwook asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, we are, look at the line," Ricky reasons as he gestures in front of him, barely 5 people in the queue.

"The movie starts in seven minutes and we are waiting in the line for snacks." Gunwook points out. In reality, he just wanted to get out of there and go inside already, having any snack would ruin his progress and if his friends are getting something, he will have to buy something too, to avoid suspicion.

He clenches his jaw as the queue shortens and their number is next.

Gyuvin exclaims, shaking Ricky, "it's starting! Hurry up!"

"I can't just cut in and order, have some patience." Ricky rolls his eyes.

Gyuvin pouts, sending Gunwook a glance who's busy massaging his head to elevate a headache arriving.

Their number comes up and Ricky orders for himself and Gyuvin, "and a..." he turns to Gunwook, "what are you having?"

"Uh...a diet coke and a corn dog please."

Gyuvin is unsteady on his feet, shifting continuously and glancing at his watch.

"I will bring it inside, you guys can go before me," Gunwook offers and Gyuvin suddenly lights up.

Ricky starts to open his mouth to deny it but Gyuvin is quicker to cut him off.

"You would? Gunwook, you are the best, I'll treat you someday," he pulls Ricky with him, out of the queue and towards the hall, "thank you!"

As soon as they disappear, within another moment, the cashier hands him a receipt along with the tray of snacks.

He mumbles a polite thanks and heads towards the hall and as soon as he does, his ears start to ring, the headache intensifying and a sudden pain in his stomach, the burning slowly climbing to his chest but he ignores it.

Climbing up the stairs to his seat, he spots Gyuvin and Ricky talking but all he can hear is a loud high pitched voice along with a buzzing at the back of his head. Nausea takes over him.

He blinks his eyes in confusion, his thoughts disorganized and clouding. He tries calling Ricky's name but he cannot recognize his own words, gibberish coming out instead.

He stops for a moment and shakes his head before taking another step and swaying slightly.

Sweat breaks out and he's immediately quickening his pase but it only makes the nausea worse and he could feel his body shutting down.

His breathing grows shallow and his heartbeat is frantic, pulsating below his skin. He feels everything and nothing at once, the voices blurring yet the heartbeat in his ears, black dots restrict his vision, the feeling of the empty stomach and the lack of energy inside his veins. He feels it all yet he doesn't.

He's so confused, his mind is just blocked and he tries to breathe but he's holding his breath, he tries to hold something, he reaches his hand out but it's just an illusion, he's still standing still with his hands holding the tray.

He shakes his head again, blinking rapidly for the dots to disappear, for the horrible feeling inside his gut to disappear.

His phone buzzes in his pocket so he handles the tray with one hand and takes his phone out with the other. It was Taerae's.

Will you be here for the firework festival?

He lifts his leg but before he could even keep it down, his phone slips from his grasp, he feels his body falling backward, his vision going black, the tray falling down with a loud crash.

"Gunwook? Gunwook!"

"What ...ppened?"

"He faint.., ...of course! ...hospital!"

"Out...way!"

Gunwook makes out the panicked voices besides the loud ringing in his ear before darkness consumes him.

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

There is neither a vacuum cleaner or a banging on the door that wakes him up.

It is a dripping of liquid, the smell Gunwook knows all too well, of chemicals and disinfectant, it is the soft orange of the setting sun, seeping in through the windows and warming him up that makes Gunwook open his eyes.

As soon as he does, his other senses revive too, distant chatter and the click clack of metals, the blanket draped on him and a heater close to his body. He still feels cold, cold that rattles his bones and makes him squeeze himself in pain, as if his bones have been frozen and it will soon freeze his organs before moving onto his muscles and skin and freeze his whole body too.

His breathing is still shallow, eyes barely opening due to dryness and his skin feels like it isn't his own.

When the brain fog finally lifts, he sits up swiftly, looking for his phone nearby.

The room is empty so he rips off the drip and stands up, his knees buckling slightly as he does.

What happened to me? Why am I here in the first place?

He doesn't have any injury, his arms and legs void of any plaster or bandage. He tries to remember, anything, something, but his mind remains blank.

Whatever, I can figure it out later.

Right now, he just wants to get out of here and go back to his apartment, back into his cold comfort.

He heads to the door with the help of the bed and the table on the way, his knees too weak to hold his weight. There's an ache in his joints and he's practically dragging his previously injured leg till he finally reaches the door.

But before he can open it, it opens on its own, Jiwoong standing on the other side.

"You're awake." Jiwoong breaths out, his eyes slightly wide in shock. He then sighs in relief, "you scared me, Gunwook."

"Scared you? What do you mean?" He squints his eyebrows at him.

"You don't remember? You fainted."

Then it hits Gunwook.

The whole week being a blur, Gyuvin and Ricky, the cinema, the black dots and ringing in his ear, the nausea, the text from-

"Taerae..." Gunwook whispers, looking down. "Wait- how...how many days has it been?"

Jiwoong presses his lips together before answering, "three days."

Three days. Plus a week. Then that means, today is the day. Today is the firework festival .

Gunwooks starts again, "I have to go- I promised Tae-"

Jiwoong's hands are on Gunwook's shoulders and only then he realises he's shivering, the hospital gown providing barely any protection from the cold.

"Gunwook, you fainted . You fainted for three days because your body was shutting down. How does that not scare?" Jiwoong squeezes his shoulders as he says, a tremor in his voice and Gunwook finally looks up at him, the pitiful and scared eyes, the deep furrow of his eyebrows. "I...I cannot allow you to go anywhere. You are supposed to get the drip for three more days along with sufficient food-"

"I'm fine-"

"No you're not! You are not fine, Gunwook, your body needs rest."

Gunwook looks down at himself and finally notices his stomach caved in, his knees bent and the ache in his shoulders. The hospital gown he's wearing is also holding him back from approaching Taerae, not wanting him to worry, not wanting him to reveal all of himself to Taerae.

He sighs, dejected, "fine."

Jiwoong helps him to the bed and Gunwook doesn't resist, sitting down once again and feeling his bones poking his dry skin.

Jiwoong exhales sharply as he takes a seat in front of Gunwook and begins, "Gunwook...I know you don't want to do this, and I can't force you to, even, but as someone who has been with you half a year now," Gunwook eyes Jiwoong's hand as he takes a card out of his pocket, "this is a friend of mine, Doctor Zhang Hao, he's an excellent-"

"You want me to get psychotherapy?" Gunwook furrows his eyebrows, his words coming out sharp and voice raising, "I don't have any problem-"

"You have anorexia."

Not this word again.

"Drastic weight loss, body dysmorphia, starving yourself, excessive exercise and feeling like the need to be...to be in control of everything...Gunwook, you do have anorexia. It's what lowered your bone density which is why physiotherapy isn't working. And it won't work until and unless you get a little bit more help."

Gunwook remains silent, staring at his hands with his head dropped. He cannot bear to look into Jiwoong's pitiful eyes, shame eating him up.

"Just hold onto it, take your time to think about it."

Gunwook nods but he's not fully convinced. He believes himself to go back and throw the card, never looking at it again.

Thankfully, he doesn't have to say anything further as the door opens in another minute.

"Jiwoong, here's Taerae's reports, I think he might be-" Hanbin pauses as soon as he looks up and sees Gunwook's wide eyes staring at him. He slowly turns to Jiwoong at a distance, "I- I thought he wasn't awake yet-"

"It's alright," Jiwoong says with a slight smile, "what do the reports say?"

"Uh," his eyes shift between Gunwook and Jiwoong as he pauses, then walks over to Jiwoong and says in a low voice, "see for yourself."

Gunwook couldn't resist any longer. "You aren't Taerae's physiotherapist, are you? It's a woman."

Jiwoong hums as he scans the report, "I'm not. I'm his guardian."

Gunwook is stunned, his mind lagging to process his words. "You...you are his brother?" He gives the nurse a quick glance, "the one Hanbin told me about- is that true?"

"Gunwook-" Hanbin begins but Jiwoong quickly cuts him off.

"It's true. I am Taerae's brother."

"I...oh." Gunwook shifts awkwardly in bed before it clicks.

Taerae, of course, how could he forget him. Taerae with his dimpled smile, Taerae with his fluffy hair, Taerae with his melodic voice, Taerae with his love for baked stuff, Taerae whose promise Gunwook broke, Taerae Taerae Taerae-

What was he even doing to himself, his body was shutting down, he could have lost himself and Taerae in the process.

He would have broken his promise to himself of giving Taerae all his time. And he lost that time. 13 days. 312 hours. He gave that time to his sick mind and not Taerae.

Then he looks up at Jiwoong and Hanbin.

"Can you please not, uh, not tell...Taerae? Being told I was getting ripped off of my future dreams, I- I was scared and I wanted to just run away and...give up. But.

But Taerae gave me a reason to live. He gave me something to hold onto."

He exhales shakily, Hanbin's eyes soften looking at him. He continues with his head dropping.

"I know it might...sound, like, a really selfish reason but I, uh, I want him to enjoy his time now, instead of...looking forward to-" he looks at Jiwoong's eyes again, "to heaven."

Hanbin keeps a gentle hand on Jiwoong's shoulder.

"I just want us to enjoy living now, as normal teenagers, in a bubble where diseases and- and death don't exist. Just for a while."

There's heavy silence in the room as Hanbin turns around and blinks profusely.

Jiwoong sets his hand on Gunwook's knee. "Yeah, me too."

He lets out a bitter chuckle, "maybe I'm just in denial as well. It's really just an escape, my working here as a physiotherapist, just to be close to Taerae for as long as time allows us to." He looks into Gunwook's eyes and they are gentle, almost like his mother's, and says tenderly, "I, too, need to face reality."

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

Gunwook stares at the dark ceiling absentmindedly, having eaten some food and tea, he at least has some energy now.

He swirls the visiting card of the physiatrist in his hand while the other clutches the phone in his hand, scrolling through Taerae's messages.

>Hey, what's up?

>I met up with Yujin after a while today and he was whining about you

>it was so cute I clicked a few pictures

> [attachment]

>Hi again

>You haven't read any of my messages

>Did something happen?

>Do you need some time apart?

>Hanbin was asking about you today

>Do you have plans with your friends?

>Will you be coming today?

>For the fireworks

>You promised

As soon as Gunwook finishes reading the last message, a firework explodes, filling the starless sky with red sparks.

Before he knows it, he's walking over to the window, imagining Taerae to be standing right beside him against the window, and the phone rings.

He hesitates as Taerae's name flashes on his screen and it vibrates.

Pressing his phone to his ear, he listens to Taerae's breathing and breaks the silence first with a tremble in his voice.

"I broke our promise, I'm sorry I'm not there."

Taerae hums.

Gunwook sighs, the emotions overwhelming him. He wants Taerae to be mad at him, to saying something, show any emotion and make Gunwook feel bad, make him feel like he made wrong choices. "And I'm sorry I didn't text you back."

But Taerae's voice is as gentle as ever. " It's okay, I thought you hated me now."

He smacks his lips together, he doesn't know what to say. How to tell him his worries. He wanted to share it with him so badly, he wanted Taerae to understand him better but at the same time he is scared Taerae would distance himself.

Scared he will see the ugly parts of Gunwook hiding beneath his skin and see him as someone pathetic.

But would he? It's Taerae . Taerae with a gentle smile and gentle words, who writes songs for the children at the hospital, who drinks tea with the elderly patients, who despite having a frail body helps everyone out.

If Gunwook told him, he would never be disgusted, far from it actually.

He would touch his ugly parts and piece them together into something beautiful, treat them like the chords of his guitar to form a mesmerizing song that provides comfort. He would hold Gunwook and give him his remaining time and warmth. He would. Because he's Taerae.

So Gunwook decides to let the words out.

"Actually there is a reason I didn't text you. It's not that-"

"It's okay, Gunwook. You have your exams, I get you were busy." Taerae replies and guilt eats Gunwook from the inside out. "I'm sorry."

"Stay on the phone a little longer ," Taerae simply says, resting the side of his head against the window and stares at the fireworks in awe.

"I won't hang up. Not until the fireworks are done."

“I don't know if I'll see this again, they are so beautiful," Taerae softly says.

Gunwook's eyebrows knit together, "Don't say that. We are gonna watch it again next year. Side by side."

"I only have a few months left."

"Don't lose hope." Gunwook says but it feels like he's saying the words to himself.

Don't lose hope, Gunwook .

"I did some research about it, many people outlive their prognosis. Some even live upto 10 more years, they had dreams to achieve and it kept them going. You can do it too, see the future and achieve your dreams."

See the future and achieve your dreams, with me.

Taerae doesn't say anything, he doesn't trust himself enough to say anything to Gunwook with the lump in his throat and his teary eyes.

"Let's celebrate Christmas, new year, your birthday. Hm?"

Taerae smiles and a tear rolls down. He hums.

The fireworks increase in number, spreading vibrant colors in the dark sky, the sea shimmers under it.

"Gunwook actually..." Taerae begins. The fireworks quieten his words. Not the right time , they seem to tell Taerae, too loud for Gunwook to be able to hear them.

"What?" He asks and the night falls silent again, darkness spreading the sky.

"Nothing," Taerae says. " The fireworks are done."

"Yeah."

" Good night, Gunwook ."

Don't go yet , Gunwook wants to say.

"Good night."

There's a pause and the line goes dead.

Gunwook sighs as he falls back onto the bed.

Silence fills the room again and his heart is racing. He props himself up on his elbows and stares at the side table where a notebook was kept.

"Write your thoughts in there, I'm sure you have a lot on your mind right now," Jiwoong had said.

"Penning your feelings down helps a lot," Hanbin had chimed in, "Taerae does it, too. All his songs, they are his real feelings."

Penning his thoughts down, that's exactly what he wants.

He wants Taerae by his side, even if it's just his words or the emotions Gunwook feels with him.

He wants to create something that embodies Taerae. And what else could it be, if not a song?

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

"Well...uh..." Gunwook stutters over his words, glancing up to sneak a look at his friends.

What is he even supposed to say to them? It's not like they would understand it.

He gulps, "I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Ricky sharply asks but there's a small, almost unnoticeable tremor in his voice, "sorry that we found out like this?"

Gunwook remains silent. The truth is, he doesn't know. He doesn't know if he's sorry for his friends for dealing with someone like him, sorry that they got so scared because of him, sorry for himself, that he was careless and got himself exposed like that.

He just feels sorry, for everything.

Gyuvin sighs, "Ricky, stop it. You were crying last night because you missed Gunwook and wanted to be by his side."

In an instant, Ricky straightens his back, a little surprised yet his eyes squint as he turns to glare at Gyuvin. "That's not tr-"

"Also you slept here the night before and almost caught a cold."

A pillow hits Gyuvin straight on the face and the laughter bubbling inside his and Gunwook's throats breaks out.

"You said you won't tell him!" Ricky exclaims and the laughter seems to increase.

"Oops."

"It's alright, Ricky, we know you care about me so much," Gunwook says, popping a grape in his mouth.

"Because you don't care about yourself, so someone has to," he says with a shrug as he peels an orange for Gunwook.

He had found out that there was absolutely nothing to eat in Gunwook's house so he had brought tons of fruits for Gunwook, having asked Jiwoong about his diet beforehand. Gunwook felt touched, a small part of him feeling comfort with the food in front of him and his friends, laughing and chatting about everything.

There's a knock on the door and Hanbin stands at the doorway. "Ready to get discharged?"

"Finally," Gunwook sighs in relief, "the walls were suffocating me."

He picks up his reports, Ricky being the first one out of the door, leaving Gyuvin to carry the bags and 3 kilograms worth of fruits.

"We made all the notes for you, by the way," Gyuvin says, walking slowly behind Gunwook. "You have missed enough days but you are smart so you will be fine."

"Wait, I completely forgot about the exams," Gunwook freezes as he says, turning around. "How am I supposed to cover everything in like ten days?!"

"Uh...don't worry, we will teach you."

"You?! You wouldn't have made it past 8th grade if it weren't for Ricky."

Gyuvin shrugs, walking past Gunwook, "well then Ricky will teach you. Now c'mon my hands are about to break off!"

The electronic bell breaks the silence of the exam hall and hell breaks loose. The chairs were screeched backwards, scrabbling footsteps out of the doors and chattering about plans now that exams were over.

A shoulder bumps into Gunwook's. "Finally it's over, I was seriously so tired," Gyuvin whines, leaning on Gunwook's shoulder.

A light slap lands on Gyuvin's head as Ricky comes to stand beside Gunwook, "you slept twelve hours yesterday, what do you mean you are tired?"

"I'm tired of the stress."

Ricky just rolls his eyes as Gunwook chuckles.

"What are we doing today, then?" Ricky inquiries, looking at Gunwook.

"Oh, well," he frees himself from Gyuvin's grasp and faces his friends, "I have to go somewhere-"

"To Taerae, you mean?" Gyuvin snickers teasingly.

"Uh-"

"It's fine, we understand." Ricky reassures Gunwook with a slight nod, "but just for today, you are coming to play soccer with us tomorrow."

There's a hint of hesitancy in Ricky's voice, a glimmer of hope in his eyes.

Gunwook smiles, "of course." He walks backwards, "you guys should finally go on a date too, bye!"

"Wha-"

"Huh-"

Gunwook takes off, running and glancing around to find the familiar hair, walking outside with her friends as well.

"Ugh! I never want to go to school again," Gunwook's ears perk up at the voice, spotting Yuna's pitch black hair with red highlights from a distance.

He jogs over to her and stands right in front of them.

She shares an awkward glance with her friends, then turns to Gunwook, "what do you-"

He steps forward and grabs her wrist, it wasn't the time to talk and convince her to go with him. "Let's go meet Taerae."

"Wha- hey!" She resists, pulling herself away from Gunwook but his grip is far too strong for her to break free from, he's basically dragging her with him. 

"Hey! Let go of me, dude! What are you, insane? I said let go!" She digs her nails into his skin but he still shows no reaction. "If you are doing this to win Taerae over, I'm telling you it won't work! We are not friends anymore!"

Gunwook pauses and Yuna finally breaks herself free as the grip loosens.

She pants as Gunwook turns around to face her.

"Do you like Taerae or something? If you do, he's not into psychopaths like you, seriously." She massages her wrist while still glaring at Gunwook, "fucking hell, guys these days..."

"Listen," Gunwook begins with a sigh, "Taerae doesn't have much time left."

Her gaze softens, eyes turning fearful as she stares at him with disbelief.

He continues, "he doesn't have that long. Just two months, if it's even that long."

Tears well up in Yuna's eyes and she's suddenly reminded of how much time she lost. Four whole years, it's been that long, four since went by in a flash and now Taerae was in his last few days.

She was in disbelief the whole walk to the hospital, not a single word exchanged between them.

The door creaks open and Gunwook is barely standing inside, his head bent down and hands fidgety. Taerae peers at him from behind his glasses, a pen twirling in his hands.

It had been weeks of them not meeting each other, not even texting much as Ricky had taken away his phone so that he could study. He had so many things to tell Taerae, ways and ways of apologizing and explaining but as soon as his eyes fell on Taerae, his mouth went dry.

"You're here, at last," Taerae begins, his voice slightly unsure, like he didn't expect Gunwook back here.

"Yeah and I'm sorry. I...I don't have any excuse and I won't ask you to forgive me too, but I brought someone with me today." His eyes are shifty like Taerae's, yet not looking away. "It's about time you two met."

Gunwook shifts a little and reveals Yuna behind him, standing at a distance and peeling off the dead skin at her nails, chewing the inside of her cheeks.

As Gunwook shifts, Yuna's eyes go wide, slight panic upon seeing Taerae again. Gunwook nudges her forward and she takes a few small steps, her limbs awkward and eyes fixated on the floor. She opens her mouth to speak something, let the words roll out of her lips but it's as if all the words she knew have turned to a mush and settled at the base of her throat in the form of a lump. She swallows hard and opens her mouth again but Taerae beats her to it.

"Yu...I'm sorry."

Yuna's eyebrows relax as she slowly looks up at Taerae, his glossy eyes, "I really am."

Yuna doesn't hold back, instantly marching towards Taerae and sitting at the edge of the bed, embracing Taerae in a hug. He sighs in it, biting his lip and blinking rapidly, leaning into her touch.

"It's me who should be sorry. I...," he feels the wetness on his shoulder, "I'm so sorry it took me so long to come."

He shakes his head beside hers, "no- I treated you so terribly, it was- I don't know-"

She mimics his action, cutting him off, "No, it was me. I didn't understand."

She clutches his arm, shakily breathing now, "it's...it's not true, is it? You are not dying, right?"

Taerae's heart pounds painfully beneath his chest, and he lets the silence answer for him.

She shivers like a leaf and Taerae cannot help but hold her tighter. "You can't die. I won't let you."

"I'm sorry," Taerae says softly.

"Even if you apologize, I won't forgive you. I can't forgive you," she sobs, crumbling in his arms, "ever."

Taerae shatters too, in the warmth of his old friend. At last.

Gunwook hears the broken sobs from inside, sitting on the floor right outside with his head leaning against the wall. It's the first time he saw Taerae so vulnerable. So scared of dying.

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

"Will you just stop sneaking a glance at me and speak up?"

Yuna clicks her tongue at Gunwook.

"Wha- I'm not!" He defends in a high pitched tone and Yuna rolls her eyes at him. He stares out of the window of the moving bus, telling himself to stop interfering in their business, but he was just a curious soul.

"If you want me to thank you for forcing me to meet Taerae, that's not happening."

"I wasn't going to say that."

"What were you going to say then?"

"...nothing," jutting his bottom lip out, he says.

She sighs, shaking her head slightly at him.

A few moments pass without a word until Yuna breaks the silence.

"You know...we were six when we first met. I still remember so clearly, it was in the playground..."

Gunwook imagines it all as she continues to speak.

A boy, sitting alone on the swings and staring at the other kids playing in the dirt. He isn't allowed to play so he just observes everyone. It was the first time he realised his life wasn't normal.

But then someone did approach him, a girl with so many friends that he couldn't even dream of ever playing with her.

She introduced herself as Yuna, Taerae pretended to have heard her name for the very first time.

"Why are you sitting here alone?" She asked.

"I'm not allowed to play," Taerae was embarrassed as he said it. It seemed ridiculous to him, not really understanding the concept of illness.

Yuna smiled at him, sitting on the empty swing beside him, "it's fine, we can just enjoy ourselves on the swings. Let's compete who can swing the highest!"

Taerae smiled for the first time at the playground, swinging lightly as Yuna chattered away.

"We just...clicked. I never really asked about his illness, we never really thought it was a big deal. Like it was just a really huge fever, you don't die because of a fever, right?" She glances at Gunwook and continues. "I was his best friend, and he was mine."

The kids grow up together, at the hospital, at their houses, having sleepovers together, watching movies.

Taerae taught Yuna the guitar, teaching her how to trap moments in the tips of their fingers, in a few notes. Yuna taught him photography, the polaroids to stop the time in that moment forever and ever. It was their thing.

"All through elementary school, we were together. I think it was middle school when we started to drift apart. The graduation day was the nail in the coffin. He collapsed and was admitted to the hospital," she looks at Gunwook with sad eyes, "he couldn't come to his own graduation."

Yuna ran to the hospital, buzzing with excitement as she hoped Taerae would like the gift. Her friends called her that day, convincing her to come to the graduation but she didn't, Taerae was more important to her than the graduation.

She found Taerae sitting at the edge of the bed, staring out of the window as she entered and plopped right beside him.

"Look, I made this for you!" She excitedly exclaimed, handing over the card to Taerae. It was a makeshift graduation certificate, polaroids attached here and there and Yuna's appreciation for Taerae written in small paragraphs, decorated beautifully. She was sure Taerae would love-

"Is this a joke to you?"  Taerae remarked, his tone sharp.

Yuna's smile faded, "what? Don't you like it?"

He shoved the certificate to the side, sighing heavily. "Did you seriously think I would want that? What are you now, my teacher?"

Her eyes widen slightly, mouth gaping open. She had the best intentions in mind, it made no sense Taerae was mad at her.

"Wha- Taerae, what are you saying? I missed the graduation to make this for you because I want to graduate with you. We are friends-"

"We are not friends." The words hit Yuna like a truck.

"I never considered you my friend," Taerae continued, continued to hurt Yuna even more, "I just...I just wanted to be you. But it's impossible. I don't even want to be you anymore," he gulps, not looking Yuna in the eye, "so I think...we should graduate from this friendship."

Yuna stood up, the tears rolling down her cheeks, of heartache and anger and betrayal.

"What are you saying? I thought we were best friends. Why did you have to throw us apart like that?!"

The words rolled out of her tongue without a second thought. "This is why you don't have friends." "Everyone was right, you just use your sickness to your advantage." "You should die alone, too."

The door slammed shut behind her.

Weeping was heard from both sides of the door.

"So that was that." She ends with a sniff.

There's a silence between them, Gunwook processes it all and finally says, "maybe he was just making it easier for you to let him go. Like he knew he didn't have much time left so he wanted to distance himself from you."

Yuna's eyes soften as the realization dawns upon her, seeing the whole situation in a different light.

"I can understand distancing yourself from friends," he turns to face her, "maybe he didn't want you to go through the pain of seeing him like that."

Yuna hums after some thought. "Thanks for listening."

"Thanks for telling."

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

Gunwook opens the door slowly, Taerae sitting on the bed smiles at him as he looks around, taking in the surroundings.

"Ah," he steps inside with a grin, "you're alone today." His hands swing beside him and just as he takes a few more steps inside, another voice calls out.

"Hmm. Don't let me disturb you," Yuna says, applying nail polish, sitting comfortably on the couch.

Gunwook cannot help but make a face, rolling his eyes at Yuna while Taerae lets out a laugh.

"You have been coming here everyday, huh?"

"Look who's talking," Yuna shoots back, widening her eyes at Taerae.

"At Least if you are going to be here, try to be entertaining. You just sit here and do nothing," Gunwook says in a pout, heading towards the window sill with the flowers.

"Taerae doesn't need another person who keeps bothering and following him everywhere like a goddamn puppy."

"I'm not bothering him! He likes me being here." He turns to Taerae, "right?"

"Yeah, I like both of you being here," Taerae says, keeping his book down. "If you both are going to just argue all the time, go out and do it."

Yuna places a dramatic hand on her chest, "are you throwing me out?"

"Well, yes."

Gunwook snorts, "yes, go away-"

"Both of you. I need my beauty sleep," he brings the blanket closer to his body as he lays down.

"But I just arrived," Gunwook whines.

"Yeah, really late, mind I tell you," Yuna replies.

"And you," he points at Yuna, "you are hoarding my time with Taerae hyung."

"Excuse me? You came late, not my problem he's sleepy now."

"He's sleepy because you tired him out."

Yuna scoffs, crossing her arms, "didn't you just call me boring? And now I'm tiring Taerae out?"

"Yeah, you tired him out of boredom-"

"Both of you! Out!"

The footsteps shuffle out of the room with low 'it's your fault's mumbled under their breaths.

Taerae smiles against his pillow, grateful for this moment.

Gunwook buys an ice cream for himself and Yuna and settles at the seat in the park, the sky a shallow orange. No words are exchanged between them until and unless Yuna shuffles, taking out two tickets from her bag and shoving them in Gunwook's hand.

"What is this?" He questions as he reads it, The Tangled play, along with some other stalls and activities available in the fare.

"Can't you read?"

"Are you...are you asking me out?" Gunwook leans away from her and inquires.

"What? No!" She scoffs at his face, "take Taerae to the fare, you dumbass."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh," she rolls her eyes. "I want him to experience some last bits of being young. In middle school, there was a play, a musical, really. Taerae had the role of Flynn Ryder," she laughs at the memories, "he's absolutely obsessed with him, even had a crush on him for the longest time. So of course, he was over the moon when he got the role." She looks down with a sigh, "he collapsed two days before, I never saw him at school afterwards. So," she glances at Gunwook, "take him to the play. I'm sure he would be really happy."

Gunwook can just nod, looking forward to the day.

"It could be a date," Yuna says in a sing-song, getting up from the seat.

Gunwook turns into the color of the sky, "hey! I don't-"

"Sure, sure."

The next few days consisted of Taerae preparing for the day. His immunity was already weak so his doctors ran tests, more tubes inserted into his body, more medicines, more sleep. His body was becoming frail, his legs gave out, his appetite decreased, the doctors advised to stop the treatment but Taerae wanted to get it over with. He wanted to have the one day to himself, even if it meant going through some pain for it. And each time the pain shoots through his body, he tells himself it is worth it.

Gunwook stays by his side for the most part of the treatments, Hanbin stays the whole night with him, when the worst parts hit.

And just like that, the day finally comes.

Gunwook enters the room quietly, as instructed by Hanbin because Taerae was fast asleep.

He sits on the floor beside the bed, the machines beeping rhythmically all around Taerae, music playing in his ears, his hair falling on his forehead.

Gunwook raises his hand to tuck the hair behind his ear– but he hesitates. He could feel his heart pounding beneath his ribcage, his palm going slightly sweaty.

It seemed like, for the very first time, he looked at Taerae so up close. The mole at the corner of his eye, his pale skin, the tiny freckles spread across his nose and cheeks, like stars on the night sky.

His eyes fall to Taerae's lips, slightly ajar, he could smell the minty mouthwash, could feel the shallow breaths he let out. He looks at his eyes again— open, staring at Gunwook.

His mouth runs dry, his mind racing and screaming at him, jumbled up words reaching to his throat but dying right at the tip of his tongue. The heat rises up his body, up his neck and ears and cheeks.

"Is it time already?" Taerae asks calmly, ignoring his own rising heart rate and Gunwook's adorable red face.

"It- yeah- I mean no...we- still have some time," Gunwook sputters the words out.

"I'll get ready then, can you call Hanbin for me?"

"Yeah...yeah I will," Gunwook says, creating distance between their faces as he stands up, rushing out of the room.

Taerae bites his lip in order to suppress the smile that spreads across his face, covering his face and hiding his face into his pillow. He wants to kick his feet and jump and scream all at once but he settles for just grinning like a fool, his heart jumping and his stomach fluttering with warmth.

When they reach the fare, Gyuvin and Ricky are already waiting at the entrance, greeting the infamous Taerae, sending Gunwook teasing glances because of which his whole face flushes. Taerae smiles brightly, joking and laughing at Gyuvin and Ricky bickering over small things, sharing secret glances with Gunwook.

They watch the magic show, pet the kittens, and roam around the fare taking a peek at every stall.

Each sweet memory got stored in the polaroid along the way.

Gunwook keeps reminding Taerae to have water and Taerae keeps offering Gunwook water, feeling sorry that he has to drag Taerae around in the wheelchair.

They try out the street food, the drinks and the pastries, homemade cheesecake, chocolates. Taerae widens his eyes each time he loves something, urging Gunwook to take some of it too.

They play some games, one of which Gunwook played at least five times to win the huge duck for Taerae, claiming it was his child.

He then boasted about it to his friends, puffing his chest out.

When the play began, Taerae's eyes shone the whole time, laughing and squealing while Gunwook sneaks glances at him, falling for him all over again in that one hour.

The time ticked, the food and drinks piled up in their stomachs, the cheeks hurt from smiling so much and on their way back, they dozed off– almost.

The sun was beginning to set as Gunwook went through all the polaroids, smiling silently at them; the weird funny faces of Gyuvin as he had taken the selfies, the candid pictures of Gyuvin and Ricky and Gunwook, the cats, the play, the stalls, paintings; the whole fare collected in around thirty of the small squares.

He turns to Taerae to find him looking outside the window of the bus, at the vast sea that stretched beside them, the young trees sprinting in rows.

Gunwook remembers the polaroid of a blurry sunset at the beach, the incident Hanbin told Gunwook and he remembers the shine in Taerae's eyes.

The trees end where the beach starts and the sun almost touches the sea beneath it.

Gunwook hurriedly tells the bus driver to stop, unfolding the wheelchair. Taerae turns to him with a confused expression marred on his face, eyebrows furrowed.

"Hurry up, we will miss it."

"Miss what?"

"The sunset!" Gunwook holds Taerae's hand, helping him off the bus and onto the wheelchair he had placed right outside.

The bus leaves and Gunwook rushes towards the beach, the bags and over his shoulder, the duck plushie tucked under his arm.

Taerae is slightly worried about the time but his pulse races as they near the sea, excitedly looking at the soon approaching sunset, the sky already a pretty shade of orange and reds.

They ditch the wheelchair at a corner and Gunwook gives Taerae a piggyback ride till they are just at the shore, a few steps away from the calm water, sitting at the cool sand.

Taerae takes out the polaroid, angling it perfectly, waiting for the best moment to capture the sunset and the water shining under it.

"Isn't it so-" Taerae turns to Gunwook, only to find him not beside him, but jogging towards him with a– "where did you get that guitar from?"

"Oh just...a group of guys there...they lend it to me," Gunwook pants between the words, plopping down and catching his breath.

Taerae cannot help but grin at him. "Thank you, for doing all this."

Gunwook turns his face towards Taerae, his eyes soft and almost sad, his hair moving lightly with the breeze. He looked so angelic at the moment, taking Gunwook's breath away.

His mother's words echo in his mind–

"Gunwook-ah, you know? It is believed that the person you think of when you are in front of the sea with the sun at its horizon is the person you love the most.

"And if the person you think of is beside you at that moment, you can forever be in peace, however short that forever may be." 

He sits up, cradling the guitar on his lap. "I have been working on something. It's not complete yet...like, it needs a lot of work actually. But...I want you to hear it." He gives him a small glance and then looks back at the guitar, "do you want to-?"

"Of course, I want to," Taerae exclaims, gesturing to the sea, "look you have an audience, too."

So Gunwook takes a deep breath– and plays.

The dulcet melody fills the space, calm and soothing, like the cold water tickling your feet and running away, like the softness of the sand and the warmth of the sun.

Gunwook sounds of the breeze in Taerae's ears, powerful yet soothing, pleasing to his ears.

Taerae looks at Gunwook and brings the polaroid camera to his eye level, taking the perfect shot– of Gunwook playing the guitar, the gentle breeze in his hair, the golden light shining on his face, the blushing sea and hint of the sun– the perfect end to the day, with all the things he loves in one frame.

Gunwook stops to look at Taerae while the photographer turns forward, savouring the merging of the sun with the sea.

"Hey," Taerae begins, "why did you start talking to me that day?"

Gunwook hums, thinking, his fingers still playing with the chords of the guitar.

"I was in a bad place...and someone saved me." He looks at Taerae, "An angel."

Taerae smiles and Gunwook quickly adds, "you can laugh all you want but it's true. That certain day– after I had been faced with so many things, all the bad things– an angel appeared before me. The guy had six months to live...and he wasn't afraid. I thought it was incredible, really incredible."

Taerae shakes his head. "No. That was the day I found out I had six months to live. It was something I knew and it suddenly hit me that day. I was so afraid. So so afraid."

Taerae turns to Gunwook, leaning his head on his knees. "You started talking to me and it was like a hero stepped down to help me. I said I wanted to die right? At that time I really thought I did." Gunwook's eyes are so soft, looking into Taerae's teary ones, his hand dropping limp now. Only the sound of the waves between them.

"I feel different now. I don't want to die yet. I just want to live. I want to...be with you. I don't need...ten years or twenty . Even one day, one minute, one second, I want to live longer with you."

Taerae looks ahead, the sun below the horizon now, the sky losing the red now. A tear rolls down Taerae's face.

"When my last day finally comes, would you...would you give me a kiss to save this lonely soul?"

Gunwook raises his eyebrows just slightly, the shock not more than the sadness he felt in his heart.

Taerae continues, "I also want to fall in love, and move someone unconditionally and make them happy, that was my biggest wish." He turns to Gunnwook with the tear stricken face of his, "that's why...from now on, I will fight my illness."

The look of Taerae's face breaks Gunwook, his eyes welling up, his lip quivering.

"I'm sorry I wasn't able...I wasn't able to do anything for you."

Taerae wipes his face quickly, "hey- hey, why are you crying? I was joking about the kiss I-"

"Hyung I wanted to tell you, I have been hiding something from you for sometime. I-" I was about to end my life. I don't want to anymore, I want to live with you by my side. I thought I didn't care but I care so much and I'm so scared. I want to be better for you.

"Don't say it." Taerae says, moving to sit closer to Gunwook, patting his hair, "I want to hear just sweet things right now. Whatever is troubling you, keep fighting it too, alright? Let's fight together."

Gunwook couldn't say it again. He hums, stretching his mouth to smile at Taerae.

"Your song, I love it."

It's for you, you are my song. My eternal song.

"It's called the star is coming ."

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

Jiwoong raises his eyebrow in slight surprise and relief, his hand pressing on Gunwook's knee as he does another squat, "you are improving."

Gunwook's eyes light up, "am I? It still kind of hurts, though..."

"That's completely normal, your condition seems much better than before."

"Ah well," he drops the weights as Jiwoong gestures to him, wiping down the sweat, "I guess I have been eating well."

Jiwoong hums but it's slightly teasing, "sleeping well too, I see."

"Huh-" Gunwook let's out the confused sound and then instantly blushes a deep tint of pink as the image of Taerae sleeping beside him, his head on Taerae's chest and the faint thumping of his heart as his chest rose and fell rhythmically and then the amused expression of Jiwoong and Hanbin standing at the door flashes before his eyes.

They had been watching a movie and maybe in the middle of it they both fell asleep and ended up in that position. It was only in the morning that he realised it all– when Jiwoong was chasing him down for sleeping with his 'baby brother'.

"Stop it! We really only just slept beside each other."

"Yeah, I didn't deny anything," Jiwoong shrugs.

Gunwook shakes his head, not taking any more teasing as he shoves everything in his bag, his phone in his hand buzzing and flashing Gyuvin’s name already.

He picks it up, keeping it a few centimeters away from his ear.

"Where are you?!"

"I just got free, have some patience."

"Ricky is mad at you, buy a strawberry shake if you don't want to get beaten up like that poor ball," Gyuvin takes a glance at the slightly deflated ball under Ricky's shoes, shuddering as he hangs up without any response from Gunwook.

He boards the bus with a small chuckle and puts on his earphones, the playlist Taerae had made for Gunwook.

It's been almost a routine now; meeting Taerae and having lunch together, then heading to his physiotherapy, meeting up with Ricky and Gyuvin in the evening to play soccer or just hangout and talk about things(Taerae). He guesses it's friends who have helped him so much, intentionally or unintentionally, in his recovery.

Some days he still sits in the dark of his room at night, counting and staring at numbers. On those days he doesn't eat dinner.

On some, he calls his mother and she directs him as he makes dinner for himself and they chat. She sometimes teases Gunwook about Taerae and his whole face flushes as he hides the huge smile behind his hand.

"It's been so long since I saw you smile like that, you know?" She had told him one day, "whatever difficulties you went through, I'm glad you finally got over them, Wookie. I'm glad you have people around you who you can depend on."

And he realised he did smile a lot; as he played soccer with his friends, visited Taerae and heard him play his guitar to Yujin and the others. His physiotherapy by Jiwoong and psychotherapy by Hao all contributed to him feeling more comfortable with himself.

The flowers were starting to bloom again after the harsh cold and so were his feelings for Taerae. He had finally accepted that he felt something for Taerae and hoped he did too. For the remaining time, he wanted Taerae to experience love, the kind he was so scared of because of his sickness.

Even if just for a few weeks, a few days, some mere moments; he wanted to love Taerae and wanted to be loved by Taerae with childlike innocence, in an ignorant bliss. Leaving the worries behind.

The next day he walks inside the hospital with the same plan in mind. His reports in one hand and a bouquet of six daisies along with some tiny flowers among them in the other. He slightly vibrates with excitement and anxiety, the fear of rejection still smaller compared to what he feels deep inside his heart.

He could imagine it all in his head, how he would start with their usual talk about each other's day, some gossip of the hospital and then while setting up the flowers by the window sill, he would tell him the meaning of six gerbera daisies he brought today. He expects Taerae to be a little taken aback as he would tell him how much admires him, how much he longs to be with Taerae and even for a short while, he wants to love Taerae while he's here.

And how much he would still love Taerae when he's not.

Then, if Taerae feels the same, he would cup his cheek, admire his dimple as he smiles at Gunwook, caress the mole right outside the corner of his eye. He would look into his eyes and ask, can I kiss you?, as he leans in and place the lightest of kisses on his lips, just a slight touch before taking his lips between his.

Gunwook could hardly contain his grin as he heads out of the elevator and towards Taerae's room, clutching the reports and the flowers in his arms.

He takes a deep breath to calm his racing heart— and then he hears it.

The beeping of the machine. The wheels of the stroller against the marble.

A distant "His blood pressure is dropping!"

"Intubate him, quick!"

And Hanbin's shaky voice, "Please, please, don't close your eyes, Taerae."

Taerae. It was Taerae.

His blood runs cold and his grip loosens as Taerae, laid on the stroller with nurses and doctors and Hanbin all around him, racing him towards the ICU.

The flowers fall on the ground and a nurse slightly pushes Gunwook aside, the wheels rolling over the flowers, crushing the petals.

For a slight moment, he thinks he made eye contact with Taerae, saw the tear rolling down the corner of his eye. And then he was gone.

The clock flashes 2:03, hours since Taerae has been rushed to the ICU.

Jiwoong stands near the door, pacing around nervously with his fingernails between his teeth. The hall mostly stays silent, footsteps going here and there in between, the constant clicking of the clock.

Gunwook sits. And waits.

He stabs the back of his reports with the pencil, carving the same words over and over again, as if manifesting.

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up please

I̶ l̶i̶k̶e̶

I need to tell you something when you wake up

You have to

Don't leave me so soon Taerae hyu

The tears drop onto the paper and only then does he realise he's crying, biting his lip to contain his sobs.

He closes his eyes, crushing the paper.

His heart feels heavy, a slight tremble in his hands and the sweat coating his hairline.

He wipes his face but the tears keep flowing, the ticking of the clock and–

Rapid footsteps suddenly cross from in front of him towards the room.

The door opens and Gunwook stands up, only able to take a peek inside, his ears only filled with the beeping of machines.

So many machines attached to him.

Gunwook's face pallids.

There's...so much blood.

Blood on the doctor's coat.

Blood sprayed across his face.

Taerae's blood.

"..for the lung transplant," a stern voice inside says.

"Doc, his body will reject-"

"Now!"

And the door shuts.

Jiwoong saw it too, Gunwook notices, as the physiotherapist falls to the ground, face in his arms.

Gunwook doesn't know when he spun on the ball of his heels, or notice when he was running up the stairs to the rooftop, slightly heaving.

He doesn't notice when his leg slips at the very top of the staircase and his arms flailing above him.

He doesn't notice, at first.

He only does when he sees his leg twisted at an odd angle, his shoulder on the first step and the warm liquid on his forehead.

The white spots block his vision and he mumbles the words..

Gunwook steps inside Taerae's room just as he had planned, the reports hiding behind him and the flowers in his hands.

Taerae is playing guitar, humming along with it while looking out of the window.

Gunwook smiles to himself, setting the flowers in a vase at the window sill.

Taerae watches him with a smile, standing up and walking to stand beside Gunwook as he sings.

Gunwook joins him, singing the sweet love song with Taerae, their voices melting together, like meant to be together.

Gunwook turns to him, his hand gently placing itself on Taerae's cheek, thumb caressing over his dimple.

His eyes fixate on Taerae's lips and he steps closer to him.

Taerae's voice is still strong, Gunwook's weaker compared to him, his mind racing with too many thoughts to be able to sing the lyrics right now.

Gunwook takes another step, resting his forehead against Taerae's and his voice dies down, his eyes moving to Gunwook's lips, the smile still bright as ever.

Gunwook freezes, face gone red. Taerae just chuckles, leaning in, standing on his tiptoes, and catches Gunwook's lips between his.

The movements are slow, the smiles in their kiss and the giddiness in Gunwook's heart making the experience seem like a dream. So...so perfect. Exactly as he thought it to be.

Taerae pulls apart, staring into Gunwook's eyes looking down at him.

This was the chance, Gunwook had to ask now. Confess now.

But before he could, Taerae silenced him to say–

" Wake up."

And Gunwook opens his eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks as he stares at the ceiling. The wetness burns the corner of his eyes, nose blocked and his throat parched, as if he had been screaming.

He is acutely aware of the plaster on his leg but his thoughts are filled with just one name; Taerae.

Taerae. In surgery. In his dream. Rolled back eyes. Pale face. Screams.

His face blanches and within another second he's on his good foot, wincing as he notices the plaster cover from his ankle to his mid thigh on his left leg, over his bad knee.

He swallows back the lump in his throat as he gets into the elevator, his heart shivering and fingers hovering over the keypads.

He clicks the ground floor in a hurry, praying silently he won't find Taerae there. Won't find him at the very back of the hospital, on his way to the graveyards.

Breath hitches in his throats, lungs pooling with anxiety as he hops, maneuvering his way across the crowd, his heart thuds in his ears, buzzing, all at once.

He is finally there and the first figure he makes out, back slumped and hiccuping, blood on his sleeve, hair unkempt and letting out the quietest yet most heart wrenching sobs– Jiwoong.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. It can't be.

He takes each step as he chants in his mind. No no no no no no no no no no no no no .

He reaches beside Jiwoong and—

His heart drops.

Peeking inside the casket, he sees the ashen body of the one and only– Taerae.

The sun rays dance over the casket, partially falling on his face yet it's not enough, his face as a late winter moon, pale, wan.

He lurches backwards; the sight too much for his eyes to bear.

Jiwoong stands up, sensing Gunwook's presence as he walks away and Gunwook sits down on one of the benches, too still, too shocked.

The tears don't fall, the sob doesn't rip out of his throat, the eyes don't blink. He's simply staring. At nothingless. At his lost hope. At his Taerae.

When his ears stop buzzing– after what seems hours on end, with the sun now setting– the clicking of heels snap Gunwook out of his trance but he doesn't look up at Yuna.

She muffles a sob and sits down beside him, biting her lip and whimpering.

Then, Yuna lands a small dejected punch to his shoulder. Then another and another and another.

"Why..." her voice wavers, "why weren't you there. Taerae fought so hard. He...he woke up right before the end."

She hits him again, "he was calling for you." Another gab, right at his heart, "he was calling your name!"

The first tear finally brims at his eyelids, daring to fall down.

"And you weren't there."

She stands up, setting the white gerberas at Taerae's casket and heads out as it closes, Taerae's face disappearing out of Gunwook's sight.

And all he does is stretch a smile across his face, waving a weak hand to him. Goodbye, hyung.

He sat there for what seemed like hours, his leg aching, the small droplets of sweat on his face and arms, no disturbance in his quiet grieving period.

He wasn't sure he was grieving, he just felt– nothing.

He had gone numb right that instant, when his eyes fell on Taerae.

He doubted he would have even stood up and went to his room if Hanbin hadn't told him to.

He stands in front of the door for at least twenty minutes, the hallway uncannily silent.

Maybe because everyone was grieving, maybe because there was no one to play the guitar anymore, or offer a hand to the grandmas and grandpas anymore, no one to take the toddlers on a 'secret heist' to steal candies anymore. Maybe because everyone accepted his death already.

Gunwook did too, when he opened the door to find the room bare. No guitar on the sheets, no blankets with cars on it, no flowers at the window sill, no polaroids scattered across the whole room, on the walls, bedrest, couch.

It was so clean, so different, even the familiar smell was gone.

Everything was gone, except for Taerae's leather notebook, kept in the middle of the bed. On top of it, his phone and wired earphones.

Gunwook sits at the edge, pure instincts overcome him as he, without a thought in his mind, plugs the earphones in, opening the folder titled 'songs' on his google drive and clicks the recently added file, updated just two days ago.

He opens the notebook and Taerae's warm honey like voice fills his ears, humming.

The guitar and the base start a second later. Gunwook drinks it in like the juice of a forbidden fruit, so sweet, so Intoxicating. It's like, courtesy of the fruit, he started to breathe again, his blood pounding again and blood rushing to his arteries and towards his head.

Taerae sat in front of him now, guitar on his lap, smiling with that dimple, eyes sparkling at Gunwook. He gestures to the notebook and Gunwook opens it, the last page.

It was directed to him.

Taerae sings, right into his ears and reads.

To Gunwook

The room where we spent so much time together is everything to me. We talked about heaven, right? This place, the moments with you, they are beyond heaven, higher than heaven– my paradise.

You made this place, filled with nothing but pain into a warm and bright beach.

I think that I have laughed a lifetime here but also cried a lifetime here too.

I thought I wanted to hurry up and die but now I want to live longer. Forever even.

I think now I understand the meaning of forever, with the magical strength you gave me...it doesn't mean living forever, being immortal, it means letting your memories live longer than you.

And I think I have made some really good memories with you now.

Thanks to you I want to live longer, in the form of my memories. 

I want you to live longer and have a happy life for me. And make even more beautiful music.

Someday when you are old and have lived a long life, I will be waiting for you on the other side of the sky and on that day when I see you again, can I call you something more than my friend? Something more I couldn't dream to imagine?

I will give you some flowers too, those ripped from my bleeding heart, that grew only for you, for all those flowers you gave me, in the form of these lyrics I hold so dear to my heart.

Ps; I loved your song, really, so I finished the lyrics for you, changed a beat or two. The star has arrived, you're welcome

Yours, Taerae hyung

The song ends, a static left in his ears. By the time he finished reading, Taerae was gone.

Taerae had been gone, for hours.

Gunwook's body shakes, vibrates as he sobs controllably, open mouthed as he hitches and cries, fat tear droplets rolling down his face, smudging the ink on the notebook.

His vision is blurry, eyes, nose, cheeks; all gone red as he cries his heart out. Let it rip open in the comfort of the room– Taerae's paradise.

He's gone. He's really gone. And he took Gunwook's heart with him.

All he had of Taerae now were the raw notes, carefully kept inside a tiny file, the lyrics that told his story; his feelings of being here– experiencing that hopelessness, comfort, guilt, anxiety of taking the last breath, happiness and– and love, Gunwook hopes.

He hopes he felt the unspoken love.

Gunwook cried for hours. He slept on the same bed listening to all the songs. Woke up. Listened to them all over again.

For three days, that's all he could do. That's how he grieved.

When he walked out, the notebook was his prized possession, the songs Taerae had, his muse.

He left with a part of Taerae, dead set on showing it to the whole world, letting every person know who Kim Taerae was.

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

[3 years later] 

"Yuna! I cut some fruits for you!" Hanbin shouts for his voice to reach Yuna, rooms away.

"I'm almost done!" She replies back, carrying a few boxes outside the room. Her hairline was coated with sweat droplets, face gone red due to the heat and the strenuous work.

The bell chimes and within a few seconds, Jiwoong enters the house. Yuna sees with a soft smile as he places a soft kiss on Hanbin's lips and nods at Yuna, "are you almost done?"

"Yeah, Taerae had so much of my stuff, I didn't even realise," she says with a light chuckle.

"Yeah, he really cherished all of them."

Yuna notices the subtle pain inside Jiwoong's voice. Even after three years, maybe the sweet memories of Taerae left a bitter aftertaste. Or maybe it was just this particular day, the day they were moving to a new house, leaving all the memories behind.

She nods, "How's the renovation coming along?"

"It's good. There was a lot to do but we can finally start shifting today."

"I'm glad. Send me the pictures of the sea every once in a while," she says, hearing an 'of course' in response as she goes back inside, going through another box to look for something she might want as a memory of Taerae.

He used to say so much about souls, where they go after they die, different theories with different ages and new acquired knowledge.

Yuna's favourite was the theory he came up with at 14 years of age, it stayed at the back of her mind as she searches through the items.

He had said, the souls don't go to a particular place, they divide into parts and get swallowed by what we hold dear to us. A piece of himself would go inside his guitar, a few inside the polaroids, huge chunks of himself into his songs, some into the books he read, food he liked, stuffed toys, the chip at the corner of his study table, his favourite mug, favourite pair of shoes. It would live there for some time, and it would remind everyone of him. That is why we would remember him, through the pieces of his soul living inside his things.

As she picks up the poorly folded origami sheets, it stays at the back of her mind and carefully places it in her box, taking a part of Taerae with herself.

The room almost looks bare now, all the boxes containing his things at a corner.

It made Yuna a little sad seeing how everything fit in just three medium sized boxes; the blankets, clothes, shoes, the toys he got as a child, the letters their preschool friends made for Taerae; they were kept so well, neatly arranged; as if untouched.

She leaves the room with a box of his duck plushie, their polaroids, a hoodie, a few cassettes and bracelets.

"Taerae would have loved it, a beachside house," she hears Jiwoong say quietly, peaking to find him hugging Hanbin from the back as he washes some dishes.

Hanbin hums, "you are saying as if we are leaving him behind. He's right here with us."

"I know but still...I wish he had seen it one last time."

"He did." Hanbin turns around, holding Jiwoong's face behind his hands, "he saw it with Gunwook."

Yuna shuts the door behind her, with a slight smile, musing, with some envy.

Gunwook held a lot more pieces of Taerae's soul than anyone else. He molded the broken shards of his own soul, melting them with Taerae's, and gave him life again. In the form of his songs.

The door slides open as Yuna steps into the flower shop and is instantly greeted by Yeonjun sprinkling water on his plants.

"Ah, if it isn't Miss Gerbera. Is your boyfriend sick again?"

She sighs exasperatedly, "please, stop calling Gunwook my boyfriend. He's my rival, not lover."

He chuckles at her disgusted face. "The usual five? Or...should I add one extra today?" Yeonjun smiles teasingly.

Yuna gives him a straight smile, snickering, knowing exactly what it means and opens up her palm, "Five, please."

Yeonjun hums, walking to the counter with five only, Yuna on his footsteps, "that's a shame, if you did six," he motions to his ipad, showing her a few pictures, "it would have looked like this."

Yuna stares at it, almost in utter shock. "Huh?"

She blinks, looking back and forth between the florist and the screen, the flowers and the background way too familiar, the same guitar, same window with a polaroid on it, same view outside.

It was...it was Taerae's.

"Where did you find this?" She asks almost in a whisper.

"I arranged them but someone else posted the pictures on social media," he walks over behind the counter and begins to pile them together into a bouquet, "the photos came out so well so I sometimes show it to my customers."

Yuna doesn't reply so Yeonjun speaks, "well?"

She looks up, shaking her head to clear her thoughts, "oh, yeah, they are beautiful."

She taps on the screen, swiping left to see more of the same flowers, with the same background.

"You should take some pastries from the bakery too," Yeonjun says, "Soobin baked some just now, said it's a new recipe."

She hums, partially cutting his words out as she finds the username in her phone, Taerae's account, filled with pictures of him and Gunwook and herself, Yujin and the doctors and the flowers–

Her eyes skip over to the latest post. It was for Gunwook.

Yuna rushes to the hospital, searching for Gunwook everywhere; his room, the yard, in his friends' rooms, only to find him at the rooftop at last.

She walks towards him, the raw, slightly dry voice reaching her ears before the guitar comes into view.

Her heart clenches as she takes a look at his ashy skin, the pipes attached to his neck, going inside his nostrils, the IV drip standing beside him.

It had been some time since they met, Gunwook had been writing songs, doing stages all over the country, it was just a month ago that he was admitted here for treatment again. For esophageal cancer.

"What are you working on?" She asks, Gunwook pauses his humming to write down the lyrics he was mumbling.

"My last song– no..." he replies without looking up, "my first song, of the second life Taerae gave me." He smiles at her.

"How are you feeling? What did they say?"

Gunwook pauses, looking at the sky, "the cancer has spread all over my lungs so...that's the last they told me." He forces a laugh, "I can barely sing, too, it's saddening."

"Is it really that bad?" She clutches the bouquet tighter, her eyes gone softer.

"Yeah, I believe so. Not extremely bad but yes, it is."

She looks away, blinking the wetness away.

"Well anyway, uh, look what I saw," she brings her phone to Gunwook, showing him the feed of the account she recently discovered the existence of.

"He posted all this here, till the very end but...there's one with a private link."

Gunwook checks out the photos of the flowers and the hospital, swiping to the latest one with 3 gerbera daisies drawn at the margin of a notebook reading the caption—

To the boy born in the snow with daisies around him.

"What could be the password?" Yuna wonders aloud.

Gunwook crosses out the tenth potential password on the list he had made. It was nothing related to fireworks, the fair, even the songs he had written in his notebook, kept safely in his bag at all times.

He opens it again, in hopes of maybe some lyric, some clue, he didn't see.

Scanning through them, he comes across the doodles at some margins– a bear, a duck, sunsets, guitars, music notes; a small smile presents itself on his face, the knitted eyebrows relaxing.

He reaches the page from where the letter starts, the last two pages, his fingers hovering over the smudged ink where his tear drops had dried.

At the end, he spots doodles of flowers. Gerbera daisies. Three of them.

How did he miss it? Three daisies; Yeonjun's voice hums in the back of his head‐

With Gerberas," Yeonjuns starts, "the meaning changes depending on how many you have as well."

And three; three of them together meant–

Something clicks in his mind and he hurriedly types the password in.

Three gerbera daisies

And he's let in.

The story of a boy with six months to live and a boy with no will to live.

The blog's title reads, followed by a photo of a polaroid of Taerae and Gunwook, the guitar sitting between them and the notebook over it, Gunwook reading the lyrics and Taerae–

Taerae's soft eyes on Gunwook.

To the boy born in winter, I decided to write down my thoughts with the gerberas you gave me.

I couldn't believe it when we first met on the roof that I would ever find someone like you.

It surprised me that despite my illness, you were unafraid and didn't look at me with pity. Your eyes...I still remember that look. Look of admiration.

From that moment I wanted to look for you and I searched for every corner in the hospital for just a glimpse of you.

I would wait in the hallway all day...and when I saw you...I would panic and jump into the bed, acting all nonchalant. It seems silly now.

When I realised you really would come and visit me everyday, I was so happy I couldn’t breathe.

At the beginning of spring I found out a secret.

I saw you...going to the physiatrist with my brother, and your pale lifeless skin. You looked so...so weak, and it made my heart ache.

Yet you didn't tell me, and supported me with what I was dealing with. You didn't want to live, but you did, you used your time for me, you lived for me despite everything you were feeling. You were so selfless, struggling with everything and I was the one stopping you from- from ending it, ending your suffering and freeing you.

It must have been hard for you. I wish I could have helped, could have reached out.

But it seemed like me not knowing was what you wanted.

That normalcy. To us, normal is the most precious, most irreplaceable thing in the world. You could have that with me. And who was I to take that away from you?

So to repay your kindness, I pretended to not know, to pretend everything was normal. That we were normal.

For years I desperately searched inside myself for any memory of happiness. Not bittersweet, just genuine pure happiness. And after so many years, I found you. And I was happy. Because I was part of your happiness.

What a wonderful discovery, isn't it?

These past 6 months have been the happiest I have ever been.

You know, us meeting like we did it wasn't a coincidence, it was inevitable.

We were born into these conditions, with sufferings and grief, just so we could meet each other. And that thought made it possible for me to endure this pain.

Please don't be afraid, I will help you. I will help you carry this pain.

When I'm gone I will watch you from above and make sure you are okay.

I will make sure you never stop singing and that you play soccer with Gyuvin and Ricky everyday (I hope they realise they like each other, too, it's painfully obvious). Even when we are realms apart, I will make sure to listen to the songs you write; you are born with the talent to create.

Also thanks for everything with Yuna, try to get along with her, hm?

I worry about her, if you could just support each other for me, it would make me so happy.

I won't tell you what I wanted to say on the night of the fireworks

I'd like to believe that one way or the other, you have already realised what it was. How I felt.

And that would be my last gift from a god that has been cruel to us for so long.

You knew what six daisies meant when you gave them to me right?

Being in the hospital for so long, you come to realise the meaning of the different sympathy flowers.

I believe you know the meanings too.

When we meet again, I will sing you some more and you can sing me the songs you made in your lifetime, tell me stories like I told you, watch the sunset and then the fireworks. You will remember me through these, won't you? We can eat your favorite foods. At last, I will give you flowers this time.

My three gerbera daisies to you.

Right at the end is a link. Gunwook clicks it with shaky hands and the tab changes, bringing him to a locked mysound post. It's been ages since Gunwook opened the app, it was too hard to open it and hear Taerae's voice again. 

But the link being there piqued Gunwook’s curiosity, believing it to be somewhat important. 

He tries the same password as the blog– Three Gerbera Daisies– I love you.

Taerae had wanted to say that before the fireworks festival too, he had been there, loving Gunwook with every part of him, it was Gunwook who couldn't see it. 

It was he who was too late. 

The post is accessed by Gunwook, a one minute video, beginning with Taerae's smiling face as he sets the camera, focusing it on the guitar on his lap.  

The song begins. 

He hears all of it, the rawness of his voice, the pause at some parts, the heavenly voice he remembers so well, even after three years. The slight wavering of his voice at the end before the song ends. 

He hears it all, the song Taerae wrote, sung with so much care and– 

And love. Love for Gunwook.

Gunwook let the tears fall, the tears that contain the memories and the bittersweet parting, the tears for Taerae and for himself and the secrets he held, that Taerae held, too. Tears of the promises and his love. Tears for he didn't have enough time.

Then he gets up and rushes to his studio, the pale ashy winter moon looking over him in the dark night sky, the time reading 9:07.

He hydrates his throat, his producer sitting in front of him, on the other side of the room with worry.

"Gunwook, you sure you want to sing and make this song now?" Matthew asks, "shouldn't you wait till your treatment is done?"

"And what if I can't sing after the treatment?"

That shut Matthew up immediately, because he knew it was a possibility.

So Gunwook sings, tearing his heart out, the sweet, longing lyrics leaving a bitter aftertaste in his mouth and his throat burning.

He records the same verse a few many times, his hoarse voice not giving the heartfelt words justice.

He takes breaks to spit out the blood rising in his throat, to do his breathing exercises, to soothe the heartburn, sipping water but it burns too much at this point.

But he had to do his best, he had to train his throat to sing again; those words didn't deserve to be sung in a croaky, hoarse voice.

Because they weren't just words, they told a story; Taerae and Gunwook's story. The story of 2 boys who just wanted to live normal lives, how they lived that normal life together, the story told through the daisies. The story of their innocent love- which stayed inside them. Till their last breath.

Gunwook sings, tells the story to the whole world and takes his last breath.

That night, on a world which was theirs Taerae gave him the three gerbera daisies. I love you.

★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪ ★*☆♪ ★*☆♪★*☆♪

"Who are you going with?" Yeonjuns asks as he hurriedly packs the daisies in bouquets, Yuna checking the time at her wrist.

"Alone. I'm taking the bus," she replies as he takes the bouquet, five white gerbera daisies wrapped in light pink.

"Wait, I'll call Soobin too, let's go together."

"Yeah, alright," she calls out as he leaves the store, Yeonjun wearing his jacket, the phone between his shoulder and ear as he calls Soobin to the bus stop.

He leaves with cinnamon pastries for the way, banana breads for his special guests he was soon to meet.

The bus driver's phone is on full volume, the radio playing as the songs requested by fans play on the radio.

" The next song is requested by Song Eunha for..."

The bell rings and Gyuvin is the first one to rush out of his seat, the last words the professor speaks unheard.

At the exit of their university, a fuming Ricky waits, tapping his foot with crossed arms.

"I'm so sorry, I swear he changed the schedule the very last minute-"

"I waited for twenty five minutes!" Ricky scolds but Gyuvin wraps his arms around the latter, placing a light kiss on his lips and then with a sheepish look says, "I'll buy you a strawberry smoothie as a sorry?"

Ricky rolls his eyes at his boyfriend but smiles anyway. "For a week."

"Deal."

They intertwine their hands, fitting perfectly in each other's as Ricky offers an earphone to Gyuvin.

"That sure was delightful. Let's head to the next request..."

Jiwoong is sitting at the beach, eyes closed as the cold water touches his feet and then runs away, giggling and chattering.

He sighs, it has been fifteen minutes.

"Are you done?" He calls out as he gets up and heads towards his house.

Hanbin stomps on the porch grumpily, the night shift was too exhausting and he blamed Jiwoong for it.

"Let's go now," he mutters with flowers in his arms, dragging his feet towards the car.

Jiwoong silently laughs at him and gets in, starting the car.

"Where did you get the gerbera from?" Jiwoong questions, eyeing the two bouquets of the white daisies.

"I went to In Bloom after my shift, where else?" There's a light pout on his lips as he says.

"At 5 am?"

"Yeah, I requested Yeonjun to get them ready for me because someone," he glares at Jiwoong, "decided to give me a night shift, knowing very well we have to be somewhere the next morning."

Jiwoong smiles meekly, "C'mon, you know it's because I trust you-"

"Can you guys stop flirting and just drive?" Yujin groans from the backseat. "Taerae and Gunwook hyung are waiting for us."

"Fine fine," he replies, Hanbin smiles at Yujin.

The radio starts automatically.

"And for the last song, requested by a lot of listeners who miss their late idol, the last song ever sung by him is 'Our Heaven' by Park Gunwook and Kim Taerae.

There's a static for half a minute, Hanbin holds Jiwoong's hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

"Let's meet them, it's been a while."

The song starts with Taerae's raw voice, no music playing at the back as he hums. The guitar fills the space.

My heaven~

[fin]