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Alicia finally feels like she can breathe again once Elyza passes through the door, the unbearable weight of uncertainty removed from her chest. “Thank you,” she whispers to herself, or the universe, or anyone or anything that may have been listening to her constant stream of desperate prayers.
She steps forward and wraps her arms tightly around the blonde. She freezes when her embrace is met with a muffled groan, Elyza’s body too stiff.
“You’re hurt,” Alicia states as she steps away from the older girl, her eyes immediately roving over her body for the site of the injury. “Mom?” she calls out, “Elyza’s hurt.” She tries to keep the panic from entering into her voice, but with each word higher than the last as they hit her ears, she knows she’s failed.
“I’m okay, Lish, really,” the blonde assures her, doing her best to maintain a grin, but Alicia doesn’t miss the way she gladly accepts help from Madison the moment she walks into the room, makeshift med kit in hand.
As her mother begins to help Elyza out of her jacket, Alicia backs up until she’s against the wall, watching the scene unfold from the back of the room.
While Madison does her best with what they have to clean and bandage the wound on Elyza’s side, the Australian makes a few attempts at lightening Alicia’s mood, offering up jokes like “this is why I always wear black” and “You should see the other guy.”
Alicia stays put though, and her expression doesn’t change. Arms crossed over her chest, lips pursed, her eyes remaining focused on the girl the only real sign she’s paying any attention at all.
“Alright, I think you’re good to go, Elyza. All taken care of.”
Before Elyza can so much as nod, Alicia is out of the room, and the older girl’s expression shifts from puzzlement to concern as she hears a door slam loudly. She turns to the girl’s mother for some sort of explanation, but all she receives in return is a shrug.
Elyza nods softly, as if to say ‘I’ll take care of it. I’ve got her,’ and after grabbing her leather jacket she begins making her way up the stairs to her and Alicia’s shared room.
“Babe?” the Australian starts, looking at the closed door before her. She waits a moment, but when she receives no response, she tries again. “Lish? Can I come in?”
Again there’s nothing. She’s just about to try one last time before resorting to spending the night on the couch, when the door opens.
By the time she’s into the room, the door closed behind her, Alicia is pacing the floor, making her way from one side to the other with furious steps, her fists clenched at her sides.
Elyza is about to speak; ready to question what the problem is when the brunette begins, raising her voice to a commanding roar. “I hate this!”
“Licia, wha-“
“It’s not fair!”
Elyza sighs softly, looking the girl over. “What’s not fair, babe?”
She’s bracing herself for another yell, but instead Alicia stops dead in her tracks. She’s a few feet away from the blonde, and her stance remains tense, legs spread, hands fisted, jaw clenched. But in her eyes there are tears. This time her words come out at a normal volume, the fight in her voice starting to fade, although a trace of bitterness remains. “I love you.”
Elyza freezes, her lips parted, completely caught off guard.
“That’s what’s not fair.”
She’d been saying those words to the brunette for well over a week now, and the girl had yet to say them back. It wasn’t something that bothered her too much, really. She was young and hurting and it’s not like she was telling her so she could hear it back. She’d been telling her because it was the truth. But recently she hadn’t been sure she’d ever hear it in return. In the times she’d imagined it happening, never had it sounded angry. Never had it hurt.
“I love you,” Alicia begins again, “and it fucking sucks because of course I find you just as the world is literally falling apart.”
Elyza nods in understanding. Oh. Slowly, she takes a few steps towards her. She stops just out of reach of the girl. “I know,” she replies. “I’m sorry.”
For a split second, Alicia’s hands relax, and her arm moves up as though to reach out for the blonde, but then a tear rolls down her cheek and her fists are shut tighter than they had been before. She takes a shaky breath.
“We won’t ever get to go on a stupid date to the movies. Or out to dinner. Or adopt a fucking dog.”
At this point, there are tears streaming down Alicia’s face, but Elyza stays in place, knowing that Alicia has more to say.
“I had a dream last night,” she continues, and the last of the fury seems to leave her voice with a sniffle. “I had a dream I was getting married to you. And you were so beautiful and you were happy and I was happy.” She rolls her eyes. “And we’re never going to get anything like that. Even to want something like that just seems so stupid.”
“Oh, babygirl,” Elyza sighs, squeezing her eyes shut to get rid of the film of tears clouding her vision before wrapping her arms around Alicia’s waist. The younger girl seems to deflate in her arms, letting herself be enveloped by the embrace. She rests her head against Elyza’s shoulder and lets her arms wrap up and around until her hands are on the girl’s shoulders.
“I just want to be able to smile for one minute and really appreciate the fact that I found someone that I love so much,” Alicia explains, her lips tickling the base of Elyza’s throat with each word. “But instead I have to watch you walk away every morning. And accept the fact that you might not come back to me.”
Elyza holds her just a little tighter. “I’ll always come back to you, love.”
Alicia lets out a deflated chuckle. “You can’t promise that.”
Elyza hums softly, pulling the brunette gently back towards the bed. Once her legs hit the mattress, she releases her and sits down, situating herself with her back leaning against the wall. With a soft smile, she pats her lap.
She waits until Alicia is settled, straddling her legs as she sits in her lap, head resting against her chest. Finally, Elyza speaks again. “Of course I can promise that. Do you wanna know how?”
Alicia nods against her chest, her arms wrapping around her waist.
“Because I believe in soul mates,” Elyza answers, her voice barely above a whisper, as though she’s sharing a secret. “And I believe with every fiber of my being that you and I are in this thing together, for the long haul.”
“You do?” Alicia mumbles in response, and Elyza feels herself relax a little at the sight of the girl’s lips turning up at the corners.
“Of course.” She places a soft kiss to the top of her head. “So, yeah, this go around we were dealt a pretty shitty hand. It’s probably not the first time. There may have been times where you died way too soon, before I even got the chance to tell you I love you, times where we were on opposing sides of the same war. There might be other lifetimes where we never even got to find each other. At least if I have to go through this, I get to do it with you by my side.”
Elyza lets her hands slide up and down Alicia’s back, soothing her as she speaks. “I’m sure we’ve had our fair share of hard times, and there will probably be more to come. But I like to think that there’s at least once where we just get to be happy. Everything aligns and we get to find each other and fall in love slowly, little by little with nothing to rush us. I get to ask you out on dates and you get to ask me up to your flat to stay the night and we both get to wake up in each others’ arms without a care in the world.”
“Maybe in that life we get married,” the younger girl mumbles, leaning up to press a soft kiss to Elyza’s collarbone.
“Of course we do, love. We get to have the most beautiful ceremony. And you look even more stunning than you’d possibly be able to imagine.”
Alicia smiles as the Australian paints the picture, and her eyes close as she begins to imagine the life being described to her. “And we get to feed each other cake, and dance the night away, and go on some extravagant honeymoon.”
“We’d get to adopt that dog you want,” Elyza adds with a grin, and Alicia can’t help but laugh softly.
“Buy a house together and fill it with all our favorite things.”
Elyza nods, tenderly running her hands through Alicia’s long brown hair. “And maybe in that lifetime the world is safe and good and at peace. So much so that maybe we even talk about having a family. And we get to spend time having discussions about how many kids we pictured having, and spending hours picking out names and tiny outfits.”
“Four,” Alicia whispers.
“Hm?”
“I always pictured having four kids.”
Elyza nods. “Then in that life we have four kiddos. And they’re beautiful and perfect and the best way I could ever think to show the world just how much love I have for you.”
Alicia gives Elyza a soft squeeze, being careful to mind her injury. She scoots just a little closer in the blonde’s lap to rest their foreheads together. “I love you.”
“I’m sorry I can’t give you that perfect world this go around, love” the blonde whispers. “You deserve it. You deserve it every time.”
Alicia shakes her head softly before pressing her lips to Elyza’s in a gentle kiss. “Having you is enough.”