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22 years left. What can they make of it?
Kim refused to believe that the world was going to end in 22 years. This kind of apocalyptic thinking didn't fit into his worldview at all.
He went through his life thinking he would live to be at least 70. Well, hoped, at least, since he knew how dangerous his line of work was. A lot of cops didn’t live to see retirement age, but he did everything he could to ensure his life would be long - he ate healthy, he exercised, he made sure he didn’t do stupid, reckless things that could cost him his life. He did as he was supposed to, as society expected of him. Kim hoped to retire one day, so he could enjoy life in peace. Quiet and simple life, in a beautiful house, with a beautiful garden and a nice white porch. Life was planned to the minute detail, with all possible deviations of his plan considered.
Except he didn’t expect someone like Harry to appear in his life.
Kim knew Harry had some supra-natural abilities since the first time he saw him strutting down the stairs of Whirling-In-Rags. His unusual clothes and demeanor were in stark contrast to the things happening around him. How he always knew where to look, his strangely accurate sense of direction & visual input, even in the way he talked to people. He always knew the right thing to say to people, so he could can-open them in the way only he knew how. Kim always marveled at this, from the first day at Martinaise. Who would have thought that a drunken, depressed lieutenant would be an efficient crime-solving machine?
From all his ramblings about the pale, about Dolores Dei, about mythical headless riders, about at least 10 different kinds of cryptids, and all other political commentaries he was producing every five minutes, Kim thought he had heard all possible combinations of words from his mouth.
What he didn’t expect was Harry to tell him that the world is going to end in 22 years.
IN 22 YEARS, THE FIRST SHOT WILL BE FIRED. NOT A SHOT FROM A GUN -- AN ATOMIC DEVICE THAT WILL LEVEL ALL OF ME. ALL OF ME.
He remembered telling Harry to never speak to anyone about this. One part because of the implications it would have for RCM’s reputation, but part because he didn’t want to hear this again. The possibility of the word ending is not something that Kim wanted to even consider. He was too pragmatic, too invested in the reality in front of him to even think of that. Kim decided that this was another one of Harry’s apocalyptic rants, without any meaning behind it. Just a shadow of a threat.
---
It was three months after his transfer to precinct 41 when Kim heard about the world ending again.
They were on a case where the killer was impossible to pin down & was escaping from the few places they had searched. The case was a relentless cycle of hope and disappointment, every lead pulling them forward just to drag them back again. Most of the time when the criminal managed to slip away, they had to chase him on foot through the streets of Jamrock.
“Are you sure he is here this time?” Kim followed behind Harry, looking around them and scanning the environment. He was trying to be the more alert one out of both of them.
“I am sure, as I was sure the last few times,” said Harry confidently. Kim noticed he had another one of his hunches and was trying to follow it fast before it slipped away from his mind. It was the usual Harry behavior, getting random ideas without any concrete evidence and following them tirelessly. Kim was used to it by now, but still felt that tingling sensation in his stomach, filled with anxiety.
Harry looked back and saw that Kim looked worried. “Hey,” he suddenly said softly, holding up a bit. ” It's going to be all right, Kim? You know it is going to be alright! We are two of the best cops Jamrock has to offer! We always rock!”
“Yeah, I know,” groaned Kim. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he was as confident in his abilities as he was in Harry’s gut feelings and intuition. They truly were a strange crime-solving duo.
“Kim, there!” screamed Harry, and suddenly bolted towards the building in front of them.
Kim ran after him.
The building seemed like the typical empty and abandoned revacholian building from before the revolution. This one was pretty high, though, with at least 13 floors, as much as Kim could count before rushing through the broken doors after Harry. Inside was filled with abandoned tents and makeshift shelters from people who had taken refuge here during the years. The windows were boarded up, and little light was reaching the rooms. A cloud of dust was blowing from underneath their feet.
Harry was already running up the stairs, and Kim followed him, trying to take as many stairs as possible. The staircase curled upwards towards the last floor like a snake, its steps worn out by the years and constant use. Kim looked up and could see Harry already a few floors above him, running towards something.
“Detective!” screamed Kim after him, but he didn’t look back. Kim sighed and hurried up the stairs. His hands were on his holster, and his heart was beating fast in his chest, both from the strain of taking that many steps in a short amount of time, as well as a strange unease. He was concerned for Harry’s safety, he always had been, but this felt different. He worried in a way he never did in the past, even with his previous partners. Kim caught himself feeling this unusual worry and fear more and more recently, the more time he spent with Harry.
It's just the fellowship of two RCP officers, nothing more, thought Kim.
Harry had already disappeared through the top door. Probably for the roof, judging by the layout of the building. Kim stopped to catch his breath.
When he finally reached the door to the top floor, he put his ear to the door and listened. When he heard nothing, he pushed the door, drawing up his gun.
The rooftop was empty, with just Harry standing there and looking towards the city.
“Lieutenant! What happened?” asked Kim. He looked around but couldn’t see anyone, or anything, in fact. It was empty.
“I do not know. He’s not here. I do not know why they told me to come here…” Harry said, trying not to sound desperate. He failed.
Kim let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and put away his gun. He came up to Harry and looked at him. His eyes were big and green and were staring at the view in front of them. Only now could Kim notice the view of the city. They were pretty high up and they could see a pretty decent part of Jamrock. Streets filled with hurrying people, apartments filled with tenants. The city Kim loved. The city Kim would die for.
“It's ok, Harry,” said Kim, consoling him. “We will get him next time.”
“No, it's not ok. Every time I fail, you believe me less and less. And… you have to believe me — it's really important”. Harry said, his eyes trying to find Kim’s black ones.
Kim felt his throat suddenly get tight. “Why is it so important to you that I believe you? You are a good detective on your own, and you manage to find things by yourself most of the time. Besides, I’ve got your back, if things get dangerous.” With some difficulty, he added, “We both keep each other safe.”
Harry looked down at the street, where he could see the cars passing by, hurrying to get home. Somewhere safe. He sighed and said, “I want you to believe me because I know when the world is going to end. And I feel like we both have to know this, not just me.”
There it is again. The world is ending. Kim felt his head get lighter. He suddenly couldn’t breathe. He just stared at Harry, not being able to make a sound.
“Kim. I am sorry. It's… this burden is too heavy for me to carry alone. I needed to tell someone.” Harry put his hand on his shoulder. “I am not sure you will understand, but I am sure you will listen to me. Maybe one day you will believe me.”
“I…” Kim felt a sharp pain in his chest. His entity body trembled. The lump in his throat was so tight it felt like he was choking, unable to force out a single word.
“We have to get back,” he finally managed to say, the only thing he could ever say. That's the only thing that kept him grounded - work, work, and more work.
“Yeah, sure. And sorry again for going all apocalyptic at you,” he grinned and flashed Kim with his big smile. “What do you say? Do you want me to treat you to dinner to make up for today?”
Kim smiled in return. “Lead the way, detective.”
Maybe things could be good again before they have to end.
---
The next few times Kim hears about the world ending, Harry gets sadder and sadder with each mention.
It has been five months since his transfer to precinct 41. Kim had been working for a while in the precinct now and could say that he was getting the hang of it. He could feel the way of working slowly falling into place in his mind, and he tried to fit in as much as he could with all of his coworkers. He was slowly making the mountain of cold cases disappear, case by case.
He was quite proud of himself, actually. All his fears that he wouldn’t be the right fit in the precinct, or that he wouldn’t be able to handle the stress, were slowly disappearing.
A big part of all that was because of Harry, of course, as much as he didn’t want to admit to himself. It was Harry who showed him around and introduced him to everyone. It was Harry who explained to him all the tacky ways things worked around here. It was Harry who stayed with him long nights and helped him go through the endless pile of cases. It was Harry who was the kindest to him.
Kim spent a lot of effort trying to bottle up his constantly growing feelings. Not just for Harry, but for all the people around them. He felt more alive than he had in the past few years.
Harry, on the other hand, was still struggling with his sobriety. Kim could tell how much he was hurting each day he made the decision to stay sober. Kim could only stay up with him to distract him enough nights, but he couldn’t always be with him. Harry was still managing his addiction successfully, as far as Kim could tell; he hadn’t had a drink since before Martinaise. That meant that Harry was now facing all of his thoughts and emotions sober. Kim could sometimes see in his eyes how overwhelmed he was. He wanted to take him into his arms, but he would never do that. That would be highly unprofessional of him.
They were on a particularly grim and dreadful case. One of those that made them regret all of their life choices until this moment. It was about the dead body of a mother, killed by her husband, who then shot himself. Her child had witnessed everything and was the only one who could tell what had happened. Murder-suicides were not easy to work with, especially ones that were among family members. Kim was terrified to go to the crime scene when he heard the call, in fear of what they would come across.
Kim was not sure why they were left to talk to the little girl alone, but he guessed that the RCM did not have the funds to send a special child trauma counselor. Trant had said that this was way above what he could do and had refused to go, which was unusual for him. But again, Trant had always been wary of working with children. That is understandable, considering he had a son. Kim thought about how having a child influenced all your decisions in life and made you more careful and more fearful. A sudden thought about him and having a child popped into his head, but he pushed that thought fast and deep. He would never have children, so he would never have to worry about how his life would be with one. This is not the life he had chosen.
But then the crime scene was left to him and Harry. It made perfect sense for two traumatized cops to take it upon themselves to talk to a little traumatized girl. Kim had made a mental note to talk about this with the captain, once the case was over. Maybe they could get someone else to do future cases like this.
“Kim, what if we traumatize the girl even more?” said Harry as they were driving towards the crime scene. “I think I am still not good with children,” murmured Harry under his breath.
Kim was silent for a few minutes, trying to concentrate on the road, instead of the conversation they would have to have when they got there.
“Well, we still have to do it. We will try to do it fast and without any useless distractions. It's our job after all”, Kim was trying to sound convincing, but he was not, even to his ears.
“I am not sure I can do it, Kim.” Harry was sounding worried, so Kim took a quick glance at him. He was looking straight at the road, his eyes watery.
“You can. I’ve seen you have more difficult conversations than this, ” Kim hesitated.
“This is different,” said Harry, trying not to sound too desperate.
“Different? Different how?” Kim glanced at him again, trying not to swerve his gaze away from the road too much.
His face was suddenly filled with so much sadness that Kim felt a sharp stab in his heart. Harry can get like this, he reminded himself, he can get this sad sometimes.
“I’ll tell you when this is over,” he said mysteriously and turned his face to the other side.
After all, they did manage to do all the necessary crime scene work. They managed to talk to the little girl with some success, even more surprisingly. Kim had the feeling that the girl somehow knew and expected that her father would do something like this. She was very wise for her age and held long enough to tell them about her parents. A typical family with a history of violence because of a drunk father. Nothing new under the sun, but still as painful as a stab through the heart.
Kim didn’t know what would happen with the girl now, but he had a feeling she would be ok. The girl seemed too smart and maybe, just maybe, she would be able to pull through. Maybe the world would be merciful to her.
After everything, Kim had suggested they go to his apartment to play a game, or watch a movie, maybe, as they sometimes do. He felt the need to distract Harry tonight, seeing him so gloomy and unhappy. That, and the fact that he also needed Harry to be around him, which always surprised him. In the past, when he had a particularly bad case, he always preferred to be left alone to deal with the emotions by himself. Even with his past lovers, he would rather go to bed early to avoid conversations. This had usually annoyed the people around him, calling him closed off and emotionally unavailable. But it was different with Harry, somehow.
Harry never made him feel like he needed to be alone.
“It went better than I expected. Still not something I would deal with every day”, said Kim, taking a sip of his soda. They had just finished eating the takeout and were now sitting on the couch and relaxing. Harry was still finishing a piece of churro.
“It did! Even though I thought I would crash and start crying in front of everyone.” Harry said and put the last piece of his dessert in his mouth.
“But you didn’t,” smiled Kim. “I’m proud of you, detective.”
Harry looked at him and smiled. He was sitting an arm's length from him. Kim noticed he could reach out and touch him. He could feel the warmth radiating from him.
“You had something to tell me about the case,” reminded him Kim. He was curious as to what this could be about.
“Ah, yes. I just saw something about the girl, but wasn’t sure. When we met her, I was then certain. But it doesn’t matter, really. Nothing ever truly matters anymore, doesn’t it?” he half-smiled.
Kim frowned, and suddenly shivers went down his spine. “What do you mean?”
“Something whispered to me about this girl and all the great things she could have done. But she will never be able to.” Harry sighed. “I wasted potential, crumbling to dust and joining everything else that has wasted away”
“Oh,” mumbled Kim. “I understand. Because of her parents and everything?”
“No,” answered Harry. “Because she will never get to be old enough to do them. Considering the world is going to end and all.”
Kim fell silent. He never knew how to respond to this. He never knew if he should comfort Harry or try to forget what he said. Nothing about this sounded like a situation he could handle.
In moments like this, we wanted to run away, far away from Harry, so he wouldn’t have to hear this. He didn’t know how to deal with this - with the fear of the unknown. That is what was scaring him the most, not the future that may never come, but a total annihilation by the Pale.
Harry noticed him going silent. He reached out and took his hands in his, still looking at him. He was looking at him with an incredible mixture of sadness and desire that made Kim feel sick.
“Sorry again… I ought to stop telling you this if it makes you that uncomfortable.”
“Yes, you should!” snapped Kim back at him and took away his hand. He felt the need to put up a facade in front of him, so Harry could never know his weaknesses. Not when it comes to all reality ending. He liked reality. “I have no idea what is happening in your head, but I am sure of one thing: Nothing good will ever come of it. Even if what you say is true...” his voice trembled and he took a sharp breath to calm himself. “What can we do? We are just some pawns in this game of the universe. There is no point in dwelling on what will happen if we cannot do anything about it.”
“I am aware that our hands are tied about it,” said Harry quietly.
“Then why are you so sad about it, detective?” Kim asked. He realized he didn’t want to know about the apocalypse, but he truly did want to know what was happening in Harry’s head. He wanted to help him, wanted to make him realize all this helplessness is pointless.
Harry took a breath and looked around the apartment. Kim could tell he was convincing himself to say something important, as if we weighing the pros and cons. Words usually came pretty easily to Harry, and nothing ever held him back from speaking his mind.
Finally, he muttered. “What's the point of living if the world is going to end… And I won’t have you when that happens?”
Oh, thought Kim. That's what this is all about. At least I know how to handle this.
Kim closed the gap between them, throwing one of his legs on the other side of Harry and sitting in his lap. Harry took a sharp breath, not expecting this sudden change in position. Neither did Kim. Before Kim could get dizzy from the little space they had between them, he put his hand on Harry's cheek.
“I do not know what will happen with the world,” said Kim, “But I know what will happen right now,” and leaned down to kiss him.
In between Harry’s kisses, Kim thought that maybe his time on Elysium was worth sharing with somebody, if that's all he had left.
---
It was supposed to be their one-year anniversary, and it was ruined.
Kim was never the romantic type. He never understood what people find alluring behind roses and candles, and romantic dinners. He was never the one to initiate those sorts of sentimental acts of love and displays of affection. He always thought that love is better shown through small acts of kindness and help throughout daily life and routine. Big romantic gestures were just something that existed in the movies and romantic novels. Certainly not for people like him.
That was certainly not Harry’s idea of love, though. Harry was overwhelming in his desire to show all his love to Kim. Presents, gifts, and surprising dates were all part of Kim’s life now, for better or for worse. He was trying to enjoy the feeling of being constantly love-bombed. It was certainly not a bad feeling to be the object of desire to someone like Harry.
Harry had planned a dinner date for both of them on their first anniversary.
“I made a reservation for 8 pm at the new Vespertine restaurant,” beamed Harry at the kitchen table. He seemed pretty excited.
“Oh, I’ve heard good things about it”, said Kim, chewing on a piece of toast. “I heard it's a bit expensive, though.”
Harry took Kim's hand and kissed it. “Don’t worry about it. A little indulgence is worth it now and then. Besides, we have a reason to celebrate,” he said with a big smile, making Kim’s heart skip a beat. He was incredibly handsome, with his ruffled hair glistening in the morning rays of light streaming through the window. Sometimes, he was so beautiful that it hurt Kim’s heart to look at him.
“I can’t wait,” smiled Kim back. He allowed himself this instance of happiness in their kitchen here, this morning. It was not often that this happened.
The day did not go well, though. Kim was supposed to take it easy today, and just focus on some paperwork, but he got an urgent call around noon. He told Harry that he just wanted to check out what was happening and leave any serious investigation for tomorrow. When he arrived at the crime scene, however, it was apparent that he had a lot of work to do.
The body they had found was that of a prominent Moralintern politician. He was discovered by some local kids, floating in the Esperance. The cause of death was seemingly drowning, but considering the importance of the person, he could not mark it as an accident. Kim knew that bureaucratic pressure would come from above, as was the case with all important people in Revachol. Cases like this are usually observed through a microscope to the tiniest details. Kim could not gloss over any detail or rush any part of the process.
With a weary sight, Kim opened his blue notebook and started looking around the crime scene.
It was well after 9 pm when Kim rushed into the restaurant. He looked around, trying to catch a sight ot Harry. When he noticed him, he froze in place. Harry was sitting alone at the table, with an almost empty wine bottle in front of him.
“Hey,” said Kim, slowly taking the chair in front of him. He felt guilty, but angry at the same time. Harry hasn’t had a drink in a long time. Kim couldn't fully comprehend what this meant. Not now, when he knew he could be the cause of it.
Harry does not look at him; instead, he is insistent on staring at his glass.
“You are very late,” he remarked. “You are now probably going to tell me how important the case was.”
Kim did not know how to respond. “Yes. Some moralintern clerk,” he nodded. “Had to talk to a lot of people, Harry. I am sorry,” he said, trying his best to look guilty, but he failed. Kim was always too proud for that.
“Oh, I see, yeah. Exactly what I asked you this morning, when I told you this is important for me.” Sarcasm had a mean look on his face.
“Harry, I understand, but surely you must know the essence of our work. Things just happen, and we need to respond. You know this better than anyone,” Kim tried to reach out and take his hand, but Harry pulled it back.
“One day, Kim. I asked for one day!” He almost screamed without caring for the people around them. Kim nervously looked around, concerned that people might notice their quarrel. He was not a fan of getting all the attention on him, especially in public settings like this.
Harry noticed Kim's nervous look and, without a word, got up and stormed through the doors of the restaurant. He received one or two sympathetic looks, but that's it. Kim rubbed the bridge of his nose. Kim quickly paid for the wine and started walking home after Harry. This was not going to be pleasant, Kim thought. This could cost Kim a lot.
When he arrived home, he opened his door and saw Harry sitting on the couch and holding a box.
“I got you this. I know we said no presents, but I think this is worth something,” he said and handed Kim the box.
Kim opened it and took out a pair of new leather gloves. The skin was smooth and cool under his touch. They looked quite expensive - the kind that Kim would never buy for himself. The stitching was perfect, as well as the feel of the leather. A fine piece of clothing that Kim felt did not belong on his hands.
“I noticed yours are very worn off,” said Harry. “I think these would suit it.”
Kim tried them on, as he wasn’t wearing any at the moment. They fit him perfectly. Snug and comfortable.
“Harry.. They are very nice. Thank you,” Kim said with gratitude in his voice. He sat next to Harry on the couch. The tension between them could be felt clearly in the air. He never knew what to say in situations like this. He was not used to saying sorry, whereas Harry was. Not in this case, though, as the roles were reversed.
After some silence, Kim finally managed to mutter: “Sorry I was late, Harry.”
Harry took a deep breath and said, “I sometimes wish you took this more seriously than you do.”
“This? What this?” asked Kim.
“This. Our relationship,” answered Harry, gesturing between them.
There it is, again, the constant uncertainty that all of Kim’s lovers found themselves in the end. That he never cared about the relationship he was in, as if it were just a temporary convenience to him. He never said the right things, never did the romantic stuff.
Kim was never sure what he was supposed to say; he never knew if what he felt was enough for other people. He thought Harry knew him better than most, and was able to see what he truly felt. He feared that he might be wrong; he feared that Harry could be more open to sharing this due to the alcohol.
“Why do you think that it doesn’t matter to me? Because I was late?” Kim said, and when he noticed he sounded too defensive, he added, “It is simply not true. You must know I care. You must know I care about you, without all of these empty traditions.”
“Empty traditions? An anniversary is not an empty tradition, Kim,” Harry sounded desperate.
“Yes, but we will have many more. I do not see why you should hang so much on this one,” hesitated Kim. He knew he had to be careful when dealing with Harry’s emotions. He didn’t just want to avoid making things worse—he wanted Harry to feel better. Even if it meant hurting himself in the process.
“Only 20 more, Kim. Not that many,” whispered Harry.
Kim felt like he was hit by a train. He felt as if the world was ending right now, at this moment. How could he forget? In Harry’s mind, everything had an expiration date. Of course, he would try to make every last moment count. How stupid of Kim to forget that.
The window was open and the soft sounds of the city were seeping into the room. A street lamp was illuminating the windows and drawing shapes on the wall with the shadow of a tree. Peaceful night, with so much hope on the horizon. Hope that Kim knew Harry had so little of. He felt the familiar weight of sadness around his heart. There is nothing he could do to give Harry back his hope.
Kim stood up and sat on his knees in front of Harry. He reached his hands, now dressed in a new pair of gloves, and held his face. He stared into his eyes, then leaned in to kiss him. Slow kiss, that Harry accepted with a sigh. Kim felt a slight relief. Harry’s lips were warm and soft, and he needed everything right now. Clinging to him, he pressed his body onto him and deepened the kiss. He kissed him with everything he had, hoping Harry would get a glimpse of how much he loves him.
After a while, Kim broke the kiss, still holding his beautiful face in his hands.
“Let's make every single one count, then. Starting with this one,” and he pulled him down.
---
Kim was someone who cherished his solitude; having time alone was essential to him. While growing up, he never had personal space with so many kids around him. He had to share everything with everyone, slept in a room with 10 kids. Kim was so happy when he got his first apartment by himself, even though it was no bigger than a closet. It was his and his only.
Even when living with one of his ex-partners, he made sure they knew from the beginning that they needed to leave him alone when he needed it. Some understood, but some complained that they do not spend a normal amount of time together, like normal couples. Kim thought he would never be a normal couple with someone.
Living with Harry was different, though. Harry had so much energy and personality that Kim sometimes got overwhelmed, but he rarely got tired of it all. In the few years that they lived together, he rarely got annoyed or felt the need to isolate himself. He was enjoying the feeling of not being alone, which was strange for him. Kim wondered often why. Maybe before he got with Harry, he was becoming older, and he felt more and more alone. Or maybe Harry just brought the color into his life that no one before him could.
Today, however, Kim had plans for his free day. He had been postponing so many errands. Work just got in the way, and he hadn’t had time to take care of things around the apartment – like fixing the annoying lightbulb flickering in the kitchen, taking his coat to be cleaned properly, doing the grocery shopping for the week, and he also desperately needed to wash the Kineema.
“The weather outside is so nice. Do you want to go to the park, and maybe have a picnic or something similar?” asked Harry hopefully while Kim was sorting through the washing load.
“I doubt I will have time today, Harry. I have a lot of errands to run. Maybe next week”? answered Kim.
Harry was silent for a moment and then said:
“That is what you said last week.”
“I know,” Kim frowned, “but there was a storm last week – don’t you remember? We couldn’t go out even if we wanted .”
Harry sighed. “Sure, yeah. And today is errands day. Next week, something work-related will pop up. ” He sounded annoyed.
“Harry, is something wrong? ” Surely, he must know that domestic matters take precedence in life sometimes. It was not the first time that chores took over their time together. They both had busy lives.
“No, everything is disco,” after some consideration, he asked, shily: “Can I at least join you for some of the tasks?”
“Always,” smiled Kim.
While having left his coat at the dry cleaners, they were walking near the park. The day was indeed good, a stark contrast to the rainy last week.
“Kim, look,” Harry pointed somewhere towards the park. Kim looked in the direction and saw a person who was apparently doing some magic tricks. He was dressed in a crazy amount of colors, and people and small children were gathering around him. THE MAGIC OF THE ISOLAS, said a sign on a bench near him. Kim couldn’t make out what he was doing from a distance, but he could make out some colorful objects flying around.
“Let's go and check it out,” Harry said and pulled his arm towards the crowd of people.
“Harry, I am afraid the shops will close soon,” said Kim, looking at his watch. “I need to grab some things before they do.”
Harry frowned, but said nothing.
“You go ahead, though, we can meet at home,” suggested Kim.
“No, I do not want to go alone, Kim, please come on, just for a few minutes!” begged Harry.
Kim knew a few minutes of fun with Harry could easily turn into hours. “I am afraid I can’t. I do not want to procrastinate another task.”
“A few minutes won’t throw off your schedule. I will help you later with whatever you need, even!”
Kim bit his lips. It was so tempting, but he was a man of control.” No, I’m sorry, Harry, I really need to hurry”, he said and started walking in the opposite direction.
“Kim.. ”, started Harry, but before he could continue, Kim suddenly snapped at him.
“I said no. I am not going to change my mind, so please leave me alone!” he said with a voice that was higher than he intended. He immediately regretted it, seeing the hurt in Harry’s eyes. He didn’t say anything else, though, just hurried towards the shopping centre.
He could feel Harry’s disappointment echoing in his steps, following him.
Later that evening, when Kim was sorting through some of the bills & paperwork he had to do for the month, Harry came to him again.
“Yes?” asked Kim, not looking at Harry, scribbling something on the sheet of paper in front of him.
“It's getting late. Do you want to play a quick board game before we head to sleep? A quick one?”
Kim sighed. “I have to finish this. I still have some considerable amount to go through.”
“Can I help?” asked Harry, reluctantly. Paperwork was not his favourite thing, so Kim appreciated the effort.
“No, it's one of those things that it's faster if it is done by one person.”
Harry just nodded and stared at the table in front of him. Kim could feel him fidgeting and being uneasy, but said nothing.
After a few minutes, Harry was still at the table in front of him, looking through a newspaper with zero interest. Kim could feel the tension that was in the air.
“I can feel your boredom, Harry. Why don’t you go and watch a movie to kill some time? I will join you later,” he suggested, but knew it would most likely be too late for that.
“I do not want to watch a movie without you,” said Harry. “Plus, I think I have seen them all.”
“Have you seen all the movies? Really?” smiled Kim.
“Yes, even the ones that haven’t been made yet!” he beamed.
Kim laughed at the thought of that. “Sure. Will describe some of them to me, then?”
“Yes! Let's do it! I’ll make the popcorn,” he looked so hopeful for a moment that Kim’s heart hurt for a second. Then glanced at the papers in front of him, and all of it was gone again.
“I didn’t mean now, Harry,” answered Kim with great sorrow in his voice.
“But Kim, I have so many film plots in my head! I will forget them tomorrow.”
The conflict in Kim was unbearable. On one hand, he knew he had to finish this sooner or later, or he would have to stay late next week, on a work day, and be completely and utterly drained. A little voice in his head was telling him that he cannot spend all of his time with Harry, as much as he wanted it, because he still needed to do things alone. He had better control of the world around him like this.
But then again, every control he had was replaced by Harry’s love.
Yet again, he couldn’t lose his grip on reality.
“Tomorrow night, what do you say?” He tried his last chance at bargaining with Harry.
Harry suddenly stood up. He looked angry and sad, and disappointed at the same time. Kim rarely saw this expression directed towards him. He dropped his pen.
“It's always tomorrow, it's always next week. We’re stalling the life we’re meant to live, Kim.”
“What are you talking about?” Kim asked, confused. “Harry, it's just a game. We regularly play games.”
“It's not about the game, Kim,” he said, and dragged a hand through his hair. “We have so little time left, Kim. I want it to matter. I want every last second to matter.”
Kim has heard this many times before. He knew ordinary couples never knew how much time they had left together, but they were not an ordinary couple. Kim knew he would never be a normal couple with someone again. He understood that, as he understood that he needed to drop everything and hang out with Harry now. One day he would not be able to.
All of the neediness and attachment were justified. As was the constant need for closeness. Kim had never experienced something like this in his life, he never thought he would.
Kim stood up and walked over to Harry. He took his hand, which was in a fist, in kissed it. He felt Harry relax in his hands. He put his head on his shoulder and let him put his hands around his body, holding him close. He wished he could take his sadness away.
“Let's go and play, then,” he smiled, “I am in the mood to thrash you again.”
---
Harry tried to take as much of the world as possible. He had decided that he was going to walk every street of Revachol. He wanted to listen to every song that there is, or watch every movie that was available for rent. He had filled his apartment with lots and lots of books. They managed to visit a different restaurant every month.
All of this Kim could understand and appreciate. He loved the way Harry held onto the world as if he was afraid he was going to fall off the edge of it. Or maybe he would? Kim never dared to ask.
What Kim didn’t like was the recklessness Harry sometimes showed. Kim never knew Harry before Martinaise, but he had heard the infamous stories of his epic benders. He knew Harry had a tendency to disregard his life, but had never seen the extent of it, at least not like this. It appeared that as the time passed, Harry had become eager to experience more and more dangerous situations. He was being eaten alive by an insatiable curiosity that Kim could only watch from afar.
Kim was on a patrol, dancing through the streets of the city, trying not to pay attention to the awful weather that was happening. He had a relatively quiet day, and he was counting the hours until he went home.
There was a call from the radio that pulled him out of his thoughts.
“Lieutenant Yefreitor Kitsuragi, this is Jules from Station 41. 10-2 receiving. Do you copy?”
Kim picked up the radio. “Yes, this is Lieutenant Yefreitor Kitsuragi, 10-4, Station 41. Receiving”
There was a sound of static noise and then: “Dispatch to notify: A serious work-related accident occurred about 20 minutes ago involving Lieutenant Double-Yefreitor DuBois. He had been taken to the lazareth and his condition is currently being assessed.”
Kim’s hands froze, his heartbeat suddenly frantically beating in his chest. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.
No, no, this could not end like this.
“I will be right there, Jules. Over and out,” Kim said, and started the engine of the Kineema. This was going to be a fun ride to the station.
15 minutes later and a few near-death situations on the road, Kim barged through the doors of the lazareth just to find Gottlieb stitching a wound on Harry’s face. Harry saw him and waved at him with his hand, which was in a white cast.
“Stop moving so much, or I am going to stitch your shoulder to your face,” growled Gottlieb.
Kim felt relieved and let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Harry was okay; he looked alive and strangely cheerful. Nothing bad had happened.
“I am done here,” announced Gottlieb, seemingly trying to be somewhere else. “I am tired of patching you up, Lieutenant. Try to be more careful in the future,” he said, and staggered out of the room. Harry’s head was still slightly bleeding.
Kim went and sat on Harry’s bed. “What in Dolores Dei’s name happened?” he asked him. They were alone in the room, so he could be a little more direct with him. “Jules made it sound like you were barely alive,” he said, and noticed that his voice was slightly trembling.
“Kim! You wouldn’t believe it!” he said, looking as delighted as he could be, like he wasn’t actively bleeding on the Lazareth’s bed. “I was following a suspect, Kim. I think I had him in the bag. But he decided to barricade himself in a house. I couldn’t knock down the door, and trust me, I tried.” A wink. “Then I had the most brilliant idea to climb and go through the open window on the second floor.”
“Oh, no,” said Kim and put his face in his hands.
“Oh, yes! Well, not exactly. I may have overestimated my climbing abilities. You know I can no longer teleport around, Kim,” smiled Harry. “It was a short trip to the ground, while I was midway to the roof. I was lucky Jean was following close behind and got me here fast.”
“None of this is lucky, Harry. Your hand is broken,” said Kim, and he took his cast to look at it. A nice job, considering the amount of effort Gottlieb was willing to give to Harry.
“I am fine, you have nothing to worry about,” Harry said and tried to reach out and touch Kim’s face, to reassure him that he is indeed fine.
Kim brushed his hand away and got up. He was silent, but Harry could tell he was very angry. He was practising his famous patience at this moment, trying not to blow over. Kim was a very patient man, as everyone who knew him was aware.
“See you tonight,” Kim said without any emotion in his voice, and left the room.
Harry watched him go, sadness flickering in his eyes.
A few hours later, Harry came back home, after he was discharged from the lazareth. At first, he couldn’t find Kim in the kitchen or the living room. Their apartment was filled with silence, echoing his steps. The apartment that they had lived here together for quite a while now. It was perhaps small for them, but both Harry and Kim loved it. Kim was hardly a sentimental person, but even he could appreciate the comfort of a well-lived-in apartment. It was theirs and theirs only.
Seeing the light seeping under the door to the bedroom, Harry made his way towards their beds. He opened the door and saw an endearing sight: Kim, curled up in a ball, lying near the edge of the bed. The small nightlight was illuminating his face. Harry took a deep breath and headed straight on, sitting next to Kim.
“Hey, you went to bed early today.” he hesitated. He really, really wanted to avoid a confrontation with Kim today.
Kim sat up and looked at him, his expression blank.
“No. We are not doing this today. I am tired of this dance that we always do.” He did indeed sound tired.
“What do you mean?” asked Harry, knowing the answer. It was better to hear it from Kim.
“This. You, being reckless and doing dangerous stuff. Me, being angry at you for risking your life. You, apologizing, as if it will be the last time this will happen. It never is,” he said, the last words with an incredible sorrow.
“Kim, I didn’t know that would happen, I promise you! I am not trying to kill myself,” he said and added, “You know that. Not anymore.”
“I get it, Harry. But that doesn’t change the fact you’re throwing yourself into danger, all for some cheap thrill. Do I need to remind you that it was last month you got into a fight with the suspect twice your size? Or when you tried to swim across the river and almost drowned yourself?”
He took a second to catch his breath. Harry was still staring at him in disbelief.
“I know why you are doing this. I am not going to hold it against you,” he finally said.
Kim had a hard time coming to the realisation that Harry was the one trying to get out of life as much as he could. He heard some people call it a mid-life crisis, and he suspected it may be partially true. But he knew better. Harry was desperate to live his life in the little time he got. It was not easy living under the constant ticking hands of the clock. The constant reminder that everything you do, you may never have the chance to repeat.
They were halfway there. They had as much time left as they’d already shared.10 years and not a day more.
“I just wish you were more careful,” he sighed.
“I am. I will be. Please, Kim,” said Harry and hugged him. Kim let himself be embraced in his hands. Harry put his head in the nook of his neck and held it there. His uninjured hand caressing Kim’s back. “Do not hate me, Kim, please, I love you.” He desperately clung to him, despite the wounds and bruises he had. The ones he will always carry.
“I know. None of it would matter if your time was cut short, though ” Kim said, leaning into his touch, “None of it matters now, as I spend all my time worrying about you.”
They stayed like this for a while.
“I want it to matter, Kim,” whispered Harry. “I want it to matter more than anything else. I will try to do better. I promise you.”
“I believe you,” said Kim and kissed him.
---
Days started passing slowly, dragged by the domesticity they both shared. The years passed through them and left them just the memories of a well-lived life.
Kim often marveled at the way he loved Harry. Never in his life had he imagined he could love someone as much as he loved him, not in a million lifetimes. Even after time had passed and the initial passion of a new couple had faded, they were still—somehow—deeply in love.
Kim suspected it was because the threat of the world ending always loomed over them and made them appreciate the little time they had. But it was not only this. Even if they were to live forever, Kim would still choose to stay by Harry’s side. He could not imagine any other reality in which he wasn’t his.
He could see it in Harry’s eyes that he loved him as well. All of the attention and presents and sleepless nights, Harry only wanted to be next to Kim. Even when he was sad, even when he was angry, they both shared their emotions as much as they shared the time that was remaining.
Everything was coming to an end, soon. Harry made sure Kim knew that. Kim made sure Harry was loved and cared for in return.
It was a snowy and cold night when Kim came home late from work. When he opened the door, he found Harry, sitting on the couch, with a bottle of what looked like whiskey in his hand, halfway over. Kim’s heart skipped a beat.
“Harry!” He hurried towards him. Harry just looked at him with little interest and swung the bottle towards his mouth. Kim managed to take it away before he could take a sip. He went to the kitchen sink and dumped it all in one swift motion, without any hesitation. He felt sick. He hadn’t had to do this for years; he thought he would never have to again. Harry was so much better now. He has been doing good for a long time.
Harry was watching him, not reacting in any way. He let Kim take away the bottle, without protesting.
“I am sorry,” he managed to mumble.
“What happened?” Kim walked to him and sat next to him. “Please, tell me.”
Harry did not answer; instead, a few tears managed to escape his eyes. Kim put his hand on his shoulder.
“You need to talk to me, remember. That is how we fix things.”
“I am not sure there is anything to talk about.” His expressionless face was putting notes of fear in Kim. He tried to gently shake his shoulder, but again to no avail. Harry was currently just an empty shell of a man. Kim was reminded of that awful night in Martinaise, where everything came crashing together for Harry. He could not bear the thought that it would happen again.
“Try to describe what you are feeling. It can help,” tried Kim.
The radiators were on, and the warmth in the room was nice on his skin, a contrast to the cold that was emanating from the windows. Despite that, Kim shivered.
“I feel…hopeless,” he said, voice tinged with pain.
“Ok, what else?” continued to press Kim.
“I do not know Kim, I feel like nothing I do matters anymore. I am trying so hard to be good for you, to enjoy life as it is, but I… I do not see the reason why, anymore.”
“Harry…” Kim released a quiet breath.. “What happened today? What pushed you over? You were doing well.”
“Nothing. Nothing at all. I guess everything I have been holding up finally burst out of me,” he laughed.
“Oh, Harry. I didn’t know you were holding things up.”
“Of course you didn’t know. I never told you. I was trying to spare you. I am good, just like that,” he smiled again, with a smile that had no trace of any warmth or comfort. It was a devastating smile. Kim was reminded of The Expression, again, after a million years.
“You shouldn’t do that. You do not have to spare me.” Kim wanted to be angry with him, to explain to him that he didn’t need to be kept in the dark about his feelings, but he couldn’t. Maybe another time, when Harry was not so vulnerable.
“I have to. At least one of us should have a good time.”
“No, this is not how it works. This is not how marriage works, or relationships in fact,” he said, taking a glance at the ring on his finger.
“I have no idea how anything works. I have ruined everything I have had so far.” Harry looked up, trying to conceal his tears.
“That is far from true. We have a good life, Harry. A life that most people never get the chance to experience. Do you not feel the same?” Kim asked him, feeling like he had put too much power into Harry’s hands at that moment.
“It's the best thing that has ever happened to me. But what’s the point? It is all going to be erased from existence, Kim. That's the worst part of it all. Anything we do will not only die, but it would have never existed. This is not only death, this is reality itself, being erased.”
Kim was silent. He didn’t know what to answer. He wasn’t good at topics like this, like Harry was. He never understood this.
“I hate the fact that just when I just started living my life, it will have to end.” Finally said Harry.
Kim looked confused for a second. “We are both sixty years old, Harry. That’s not – just started living my life. Most people are lucky to live this age.”
“Not for me. I was born fifteen years ago. In Martinaise.” And looking at Kim, added, “When I met you.”
Kim sat closer to him and put his head on his shoulder. “You still have me. Forever.”
“I just need a little more time with you,” he whispered. Kim held him and let him cry for a little.
They stood then, leaning on each other, looking at the small room in front of them, filled with so many memories. One broken man and one hopeful man, sitting next to each other, facing eternity at the face of the universe. Kim would hold onto Harry for a little while, then he would get up and make them a cup of tea. Harry would wipe his tears and give Kim a small smile, a genuine one.
The city brought the sounds of the people of Revachol. How many of them were hopeful for the future? How many young lovers planned their wedding, how many mothers were excited to see their children grow up? Kim could not tell; it felt like everyone was holding on to a hope for a new, better world.
They could try, as well.
---
Two men are sitting on a balcony and looking at the city in front of them. They are both old, their faces marked by the years, their hair gray and cut short. They are sitting on two padded chairs, enjoying the summer night.
They do not know how much time they have left. Could be a year, could be days. There is a war that is looming on the horizon. The sirens could go off any minute now. They do not know when this will happen.
What they do know is that they have each other. In the last few years, they did finally find the hope they were searching for all their lives. For everything will end, but start again, in a new world.
"After life, death; after death, life again. After the world, the pale; after the pale, the world again."