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Dean had been actively avoiding the Castiel subject with Sam. He’d been vague before, but he had an excuse to be -they had bigger fish to fry at the moment.
Now, with the imminent possibility of reality as they know it coming to an end, it was finally time to come clean about the circumstances of Cas’ departure.
At the bunker, even when it was difficult for Dean, he started explaining everything to Sam.
“What do you mean Cas made a deal? Why didn’t you mention it before?” Sam asked, following Dean to the kitchen.
“Well, maybe because we were too busy taking over fucking God?” Dean snapped back, grabbing a beer from the fridge. He stalled, ignoring his feelings just a little bit longer, by taking a long sip. “Sorry. It’s just been a lot and I really haven’t processed anything.” Sam just nodded, silent. Dean continued, “It’s not like I knew from the beginning, y’know? Wouldn’t have let that motherfucker do that to us-”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dean, slow down, alright?”
Dean nodded, as a part of him kind of regretted having called Cas that. Or not. “The deal was,” he gulped, “The deal was that when he experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would take him.”
Sam stared at him blankly. “That sounds like something the Empty would do.”
“That son of a bitch,” Dean murmured.
“And what was that for him? ‘True happiness’?”
“He gave me this speech, Sam…” He turned around, shaking his head. “That I was so terrified and stressed and shocked at the moment right now I’m not even sure of what he said. And he said some things…” Dean’s voice cracked.
“Hey, I’m here,” Sam put a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “What did he say?”
Dean turned around, eyes watery. “He said he…” Dean sighed. “He said some beautiful things, man. About me, about… how I changed him.” A shy tear slipped down his cheek. “He said he… loved me.” Dean looked at Sam dead in the eye. “Like, love-loved me.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, ‘oh’. Do you know what it’s like to have a bomb like that dropped at you and then see the guy die in front of you?” Dean’s voice raised.
“Dean-”
“And he did it so selflessly I kind of just hate him for that, fuck!” Dean hit the counter with his fist. “He didn’t let me say anything, he didn’t wait, he didn’t-”
“Dean!” Sam stops Dean from hitting the table again. Dean’s eyes were still watery, his sadness unable to be hidden by his facade of anger.
Dean took a deep breath. “Did you know?” He asked. “Did he ever tell you anything?”
“What?” Sam frowned, caught off guard.
“Fuck, you knew.”
“I didn’t know about this deal!”
“Yeah, no shit, you know I’m not asking about the deal. You knew how he felt for me.”
“I-” Dean pushed him with his stare. Sam stopped himself from denying it. “I didn’t know for certain.”
“For certain?” He asked, incredulously.
“Dean, the question here is didn’t you know? I mean you and Cas… you got history.”
“So what? He’s got history with you too and I never had the feeling he’d fallen in love with you.”
“It’s different, Dean, and don’t act like you don’t know that. You feel bad because you never noticed and you broke the guy’s heart? Cool, but don’t come at me like it’s my fault you were a dick.”
“Well, thank you for that.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“You did, and it’s alright. I deserve it. You want one?” Dean asked, pointing at Sam with his beer. Sam nodded. Dean looked for it in the fridge and continued, “Why didn't you ever tell me anything? If it was so obvious, I mean.”
Sam grabbed the beer. “It wasn’t my story to tell. It wasn’t my place, and maybe I was just making it up in my mind and seeing things that weren't there. Besides, what would’ve you done? Do you think you'd be the kind of person who finds out that his male best friend is head of heels for him and handles it well?”
“I don’t know! You didn’t give me a chance to know. Hell, do you actually think I would’ve, like, laughed at him? Humiliated him? Do you think he thought that of me? And that’s why he never said-”
“Don’t go there, Dean. You’ll ask him yourself. You’ll have your chance to, once we get him back, okay?”
“Okay, yeah.” Dean took a deep breath. “The guy died for me, Sam. Literally. He decided to die, he suicided, by telling me he loved me. And he did it to save me.” Even for their standards, it was all very dramatic. “I need a fucking break.”
“Yeah, well, we’ve never had it easy. Did he say anything that can be helpful? Lead us to him?”
Dean shook his head. “We don’t need to find him. We know where he is. What we need to do is break in the Empty. Easy, right?”
Sam scoffed. “Right.”
Dean finished his beer. He thought of getting another one, but restrained himself. He put the empty bottle down and passed both hands over his face. “He told me he knew he couldn’t have what he actually wanted. And…” Sam paid close attention to Dean’s words, “I don’t know. Can’t he? If we bring him back?”
“Why are you asking me? That’s a question you have to ask yourself. To be frank, I never thought it would ever be up for actual consideration.”
“Me neither! Until the fallen angel of the Lord, loyal friend, hunter, once Leviathan, Jack’s adoptive father, dumbass who took considerably long to understand sarcasm brought it up! I’m just so mad at him, man. What am I supposed to say?”
“I’m sure Cas doesn’t need you to say anything, Dean.”
“But he deserves it. And I promised myself I’d do it if we bring him back. When we bring him back,” he corrected.
“Which we will, Dean. Like we always do.”
*
Dean had never been in love before. Not enough to live up to this new level of love, at least. The bar was too damn high by now.
Life got over complicated before he could think of retiring from hunting, having a family and letting the world get crushed by some supernatural entity.
It’d been a while since he even thought of getting laid. He lacked both the energy and the mood for it. What was the point anyway? He wasn’t 30 anymore, and casual sex had lost its appeal long ago.
Now, considering having a man as a romantic partner, that was new for him.
If you’d ask him a few years ago, the answer was a blunt, easy no. Not in a million years, even.
But the answer suddenly wasn’t as evident if it was Castiel who we were talking about.
He liked Cas. They spent a lot of time together, enjoyed the same simple things of life, and even when Cas had seen him at his absolute worst, he was there for him, every time.
Plus, he’d had enough near-death experiences and trauma to be open to things he’d never done before.
If he got philosophical about it, Castiel was not even a man. He had just a male vessel.
But, of course, it wasn’t like he could change vessels now, could he? If he liked Cas, he had to be with him as a man.
With a dick.
God, Dean really had plenty of sleepless nights ahead if he wanted to figure things out.
*
Sam was asleep in the backseat. Dean drove, exhausted, wishing the closest motel would suddenly materialize 20 miles quicker than anticipated. He was happy, though, because riding shotgun was the one person —the one angel who had started it all.
It’d been only a few hours since they brought him back, and the heavy silence was taut between them like a stretched string hoping to be torn apart.
“Dean, listen, before the Empty took me…”
Dean gulped. He really didn’t want to have that conversation. At least not yet. Not without a proper night of sleep when he actually rested because he knew Cas was safe. Not without sitting —for real— with his own thoughts to consider and acknowledge what had happened and what it’d all meant, given that he didn’t have to use all of his energy and mental capacity to figure out the grand plan to save Cas.
Cas continued, “Before the Empty took me, I said some things. I meant them all, Dean.”
“I know, Cas.”
“Let me finish. I meant them, but I’m sorry I burdened you with them for so long.”
“You don’t- you don’t have to be sorry, Cas,” Dean replied, eyes fixed on the road. “It wasn’t a burden.”
“Dean, I know for a fact it was. I… heard you. Your soul, your pain. Your prayers. Your confusion. I meant what I said, but I didn’t mean to cause you suffering.”
“Fuck, Cas, I felt guilty. I felt like a shitbag, like I’d been hurting you all along and I didn’t even notice, you know?” Dean looked at him, those blue hooded stupid secretive eyes. “How could I be so… clueless? And then you didn’t give me a chance to say anything-”
“I didn’t need it.”
“But I did!” Sam moved on the backseat, so Dean lowered his tone again. “Learning how you felt and then have you gone like that… Cas, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I feared your sacrifice would be in vain. I was going insane. And with Jack and his decision not to interfere, I was hopeless.”
“I’m sorry, Dean. I understand I put a lot on your plate and then left -was taken, to be precise. I honestly feel much more myself now that I don’t hold anything in,” Cas smiled softly. “I know it must be awkward for you, and I want you to know I am at peace with your position.”
“My position?” Dean asked, slowing down to reach the motel -God bless it- parking lot.
“Yes. That you see me and love me as a friend, as a brother, and reject me romantically.”
“Cas, goddamn you.” Dean parked the car and turned off the engine. He made sure in the rearview mirror Sam was still asleep.
“What?”
Dean rested his forehead on Baby’s steering wheel. “What hurt me the most was that you assumed so easily I’d reject you.” He turned to Cas, head still on the wheel.
“You’re telling me now, Dean, that I was wrong?” Castiel asked sympathetically. “You don’t have to pretend nor lie, Dean.”
“I’m not. And yes, I may see me like my enemies see me, but can you blame me? If you and Sam both think I would’ve been such an asshole to you-”
“I never said you’d be an asshole, Dean. I know that’s not who you are. But I also know that what I feel deep in my heart, and I say this without the intention to make everything worse, is just not reciprocal.”
“Cas… You know what? Get out of the car.” No, he really couldn’t do that with Sam potentially listening, even by mistake.
Cas obeyed and Dean followed him. They both sat on the motel’s porch.
“Cas,” Dean said, tone solemn. “You had your chance to give your speech. Now it’s my turn.” Cas nodded, listening carefully. “You are one of my favorite people on this godforsaken multiverse. We had this rough start, because you were a bit of an asshole back then, but you showed me people can change —and for the better, man. You have taught me about redemption, and forgiveness, and you’ve inspired me to be a better man. Yes, I may have been a hero before I met you, but having you fighting these battles with me, Cas, it’s given me purpose. It’s given me perspective.”
Castiel’s eyes were full with awe. Dean continued, “You became a pillar of my life, you became family and I certainly, most definitely, love you too.”
“Dean, you don’t-”
“SHUT up, dude. I did have to say it, because I mean it too, alright? And what was the burden for all of these months trying to get you back is that I didn’t say it back. And you deserved to hear it because I love you too. And no, life isn’t perfect, and I’m not saying we’ll be freaking Harry and Sally and walk into the sunset to live happily ever after. But I am saying that this is me not rejecting you, nor your love. This is me asking for time to get used to being seen like you see me, and still loved. And we’ll figure it out together. Whatever “it” turns out to be.”
“Oh, Dean,” Cas said, with an honest and bright smile drawing on his face, “this is already my definition of happily ever after.”