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A sound of shock fell from Jinshi’s lips as he felt himself being violently pushed forward and practically thrown against the wall. He let out a groan of pain as he cradled his head in one hand and squinted forward, trying to clear his vision. Once he regained his bearings he could make out the shape of shocked faces in the background and a large metal beam crushing the ground, but it was also crushing-
Maomao..?
She was sprawled on the floor at his feet, swollen face pressed against the ground as she twitched minutely, crimson red spreading from under the beam where her legs were trapped. “I made it..” she croaked, her voice barely audible over the ringing in Jinshi’s ears. He scrambled to his knees and kneeled next to her, his hands shaking as they hovered over her body like it was made of glass before he finally planted them on the ground instead. “Jinshi..?” she choked out, and it was almost enough to make Jinshi stop breathing himself.
“Yes. Yeah. Stay with me, alright?” He told her frantically, no matter how hard he tried to keep his voice steady, “You’re gonna be ok I just need to- Fuck-” His face felt hot and his eyes stung. “I just need to get you to the infirmary o-or someone will come here I just need to slow down the bleeding-” and there was a lot to slow down. So much blood. Yet he continued to ramble until he felt a hand on top of his which made his voice die in his throat.
“Hey..” Maomao spoke softly – something so rare, so unlike her, and despite how much he loved it, absolutely the last thing he wanted to hear from her at this moment – as her breathing grew shallower. “It’s alright…you’ll be ok..” she said weakly.
“And so will you.” he said back without missing a beat. And then she smiled. And her eyes drooped a little more. And her breathing-
“Please,” he said with so much anguish he could hardly even recognize his own voice as his free hand went up to cradle the side of her face. “Don’t close your eyes, keep looking at me..” he pleaded.
And even on her deathbed she never failed to throw jabs at him, that’s what he loved about her. “You were always one for attention..” she said with what was meant to be a laugh but instead came out as a weak huff. And greatest of all, she also never failed to make him smile.
But his smile didn’t last long as the one on Maomao’s face faded…and her face fell slack…and her breathing…
“Maomao.” he called, trying to keep his voice steady, his tone soft, just as she did. “Maomao!” again, more desperate. “Wake up,” his voice was quivering as tears blurred his vision. He curled in on her, shielding her body with his, “Please..” Tears flowed out of his eyes as he cradled her limp form. They dripped off his face and landed on hers, then-
-
Jinshi awoke with a gasp. His eyes shooting open and his breathing labored as the walls closed in on him, “Maomao-” he said under his breath almost desperately as he pushed himself up halfway and turned to look at his side. And what he saw – or rather what he didn’t see – made his blood run cold: the bed was empty.
It was fine. No reason to panic. He had to think this through. That dream – no, memory – was from years ago. But it had gone differently, Maomao was fine. After all, he had carried her to safety himself. But what if…just what if- she hadn’t jumped far enough and he hadn’t acted fast enough. That simple thought – the possibility of it all – made his breath hitch as it caught in his chest. He sat uselessly on the bed, trying to make his lungs work, but all he could think about was a world without Maomao. He tried pulling himself out of bed in order to search for her but one step away from the bed and he practically collapsed. ‘If you ever feel faint or short of breath, sit down,’ he could practically hear her voice.
His hands shook and a cold sweat broke out on the back of his neck as he curled up against the side of the bed he was once on. One of his hands gripped at the edge of the bedsheets while the other clawed at his pounding chest. He knew exactly what this was. A panic attack. Maomao had told him about these before yet his brain was too fogged up to recall how to make it stop. He just wanted his Maomao back.
Tears welled in his eyes as he continued to breathe erratically, letting out a choked sob. He felt pathetic, but nothing hurt more than the crushing reality of a world without the love of his life.
-
Maomao had woken up in the middle of the night to get herself a glass of water, fully expecting to be able to get back in bed with her husband and fall back asleep. Now, what she wasn’t expecting to see was said husband collapsed on the side of their bed and having a panic attack.
Her heart has never sunk in her chest faster.
She swiftly walked over to him without making any movement too abrupt as to not startle him, just in case he was still aware of his surroundings. Carefully, she bent down in front of him and spoke, “Jinshi?” she asked tentatively, testing the waters. It took him a few seconds before he processed the sound of her voice, but then his glassy eyes drifted over to her.
“Maomao-?” he practically sobbed, voice strained to hell and back. It sounded like he wasn’t sure if she was actually there, but he still hoped with his whole soul that she was real. Maomao felt her heart pang and her brows furrow more as she tried to console him.
“Jinshi, I’m going to need you to try and breathe with me, alright?” She said gently, holding out her hand in offering to him. His hand twitched against his spasming chest once more before reaching out towards hers. Maomao closed the distance and took his hand in hers, pressing it flat against her own chest: against her heartbeat. She took in an exaggerated breath before slowly letting it out. “You see that? I need you to try mimicking it. Can you do that for me?” she asked him with an encouraging smile, voice completely level despite the worry clawing at her heart. Once he gave a jerked nod she started repeating the action, occasionally encouraging to keep going and affirming him when his breathing slowly began to even out.
By the time he could breath on his own, his eyes were puffy and his face covered in tear tracks, not to mention he also looked extremely exhausted, yet somehow he was still as beautiful as always. Slowly she lowered his hand from her chest but kept holding it, giving it a gentle squeeze, and in response he gripped her hand like he was afraid she would disappear otherwise. His eyes were fixated on where their hands were held.
Silently she opened her other arm in invitation and as his gaze lifted up to her face, she gave his hand another squeeze accompanied by a gentle, encouraging smile. Almost immediately his eyes glazed over again as his bottom lip trembled and he practically collapsed against her. Letting go of her hand to wrap his arms around her waist instead as he buried his face in her chest. Maomao didn't hesitate before wrapping her arms around his back.
“I thought I lost you,” he choked out, his watery voice muffled against her. Her heart panged in her chest again – fuck Jinshi’s ability to make her feel.
“You could never lose me,” she responds, one of her hands now tenderly carding through his long, soft hair and scratching at his scalp. “I’m sure you’ve learned by now that you can never get rid of me that easily,” Maomao says lightheartedly, placing a kiss on the crown of his head. That gets her a squeeze. “Not that you’d ever try getting rid of me, or vise versa,” she back tracks, and that gets her a small laugh, which she’ll allow herself to count as a win.
“Hey I’m gonna get you some water-” she said, attempting to get up after a few minutes of them simply sitting there and reveling in each other's company, but almost immediately Jinshi tightened his hold on her and whined.
“No. Stay,” he pleaded quietly, pressing himself against her more.
“I have to-” and she didn’t even finish her sentence before he was shaking her head against her and tightening his hold even more.
“Please..” his voice was weaker, more vulnerable, and she didn’t have it in her to suggest stepping away from him again, so she stayed.
And they stayed like that for a while before her legs started to go numb, but she was honestly more concerned about the angle at which Jinshi’s back was bent so that he could continue to hug from where half his body was mostly on the floor and partially over her legs. “Alright, let’s get back to bed, this position can’t be comfortable,” she coaxes, trying to convince him to get up as she nudges his shoulder. Eventually he reluctantly pulls away from her, her inner robes slightly damp and his under eyes rimmed red, but it didn’t matter, because she loved him anyway.
She stood up with her half numb legs and sat on the edge of the bed before offering him her hand and helping him up. They laid back in bed with Jinshi’s arms tightly wound back around Maomao’s waist with his face once again hidden in her chest, with her arms wrapped around him just as tightly.
“Jinshi,” she called into the quiet room, her voice barely a whisper. He pulled away from her just enough to allow himself to look up at her.
Maomao leaned down and placed a kiss on his lips, letting it last for a few seconds before pulling back and looking him straight in the eyes, saying those three words that made both their hearts swell whenever spoken, “I love you.”
Jinshi looked right back at her and spoke with a soft smile visible on his face for the first time that night, “I love you too.”
Yeah. She definitely counted that one as a win.