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Brown eyes stare at a dark ceiling, music softly trying to push thoughts out of his head. It isn't working.
Dan had been trying to fall asleep for the past forty minutes, eventually resorting to listening to music and hoping it would make his mind drowsy. Sighing, he reaches over and unlocks his phone, turning the sound off and flipping all the way over to look at the wall farthest from his door. The young man had eaten dinner with Phil quietly, telling him he was tired and that he wanted to retire to bed early. In reality, it was just finally getting too hard to be around the blue eyed boy without slipping up in some way. All of Dan's sadness from the subject at hand weighs down on him, only slightly being relieved because of the one person who knows about it.
"Fuck," he whispers, inhaling sharply, "I don't want to be sad." Sitting up, he folds his legs in and rubs his hands harshly across his face. He gets out of bed and heads down the hallway as well as the stairs, shutting the door to the bathroom as quietly as he can. The shower he starts is turned a great amount to the left, the hot water pouring out; Dan wants his feelings to rush down the drain too.
He strips and steps in, scrubbing his body in the boiling water until his skin is tinted red. He scrubs the feelings away and his face is angry and hurt as he turns the faucet off, reaching for his towel; in the next minute he's on the floor with his towel in his lap and tears streaming down his face.
He tries not to be sad but it's just so hard. Being around Phil and living his dream is so amazing and he knows he shouldn't feel this way because his life could be so much worse but he does and he can't help it. It's just so overwhelming sometimes.
☆
"You're staring again," Phil reminds him, looking through twitter questions on his phone and occasionally looking up. Brown eyes widen as cheeks turn pink, ducking his head to look at the checkered bed sheets.
"Sorry," an awkward laugh comes out, the boy reaching up to mess with his recently cut hair.
"I'm just so irresistible, I know. You can just bow down and start worshiping at any time." The older boy's nose twitches and he reaches up to scratch it; only remembering the drawn cat whiskers at the last second. "Shit, I'm going to end up with marker everywhere again. These videos are going to be the death of me."
Dan gasps, reaching towards the ceiling, "Phil Lester just swore! There is a God!" Blue eyes roll upwards; laughs emitting from both of the boys as Dan glances to see if the camera is still recording. A red light flashes up at him and he looks over to see Phil writing the last question down. "At least we can actually read your handwriting," Dan comments, taking the pen from the elder and reaching behind him to put it on the dresser.
And so the video actually starts.
After several really weird questions and strange positions, Dan ends up on his back on the bed with Phil sat up against the headboard. "What do you want for dinner tonight?" The question comes from Phil's mouth, the black haired boy trying to visualize what food they have left in the fridge.
"I can find some stir fry or something in the freezer and you can vacuum?" the younger boy suggests as Phil nods. After a couple minutes, Dan takes a deep breath; thinking about everything he wants to say in his head. He promised himself he would do it today, and the thought of not going through with it was even scarier than the unknown he was about to face. We've known each other for years, and he might be hiding the same feelings as me. I'm okay, he told himself. He had to make sure his own mind was supporting him or he wouldn't be able to manage this.
"Tomorrow we should go shopping and get-"
Dan takes another deep breath, "Hey Phil?"
"Yeah?" his voice was soft.
"I love you."
"I love you too, you doof."
The younger takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, "No, I mean. Like. You know how you said that you're bi? I mean- I mean, like that. I'm in love with you. And I can't really express it because of how awkward I am and I'm never really sure of my feelings but I know this for sure because ever since I stayed over at your house in 2009 I kind of get butterflies every time I look or talk to you and I'm going to stop now because I don't want to keep making myself look stupid. I'm sorry."
☆
"Hey, um, I know you usually edit these, but can I edit this one?" Phil's brow furrows as he looks over to see if Dan is kidding or not. It had been about an hour, and Phil had just sat down to check social media and things like that.
"If... If you want to," he hands the flash drive over, watching curiously as the younger boy walks out and closes the bedroom door quietly behind him.
Dan sits at his desk late that night after Phil had already gone to his room to work on something or watch Netflix or whatever he does. The brunet's door is locked and he slides his headphones on after inserting the small piece of plastic that holds his heart. He opens all of the software and lets it load while he drags the video file into a viewing tab. (HAH I'M BULLSHITTING BC I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EDIT LEAVE ME ALONE) He skips to the part he wants and catches the end of his own sentence onscreen.
"Oh." Phil's voice trails off as his eyes widen. The camera catches his shock as well as Dan resting an arm across his face, covering his eyes. There's a silence that lasts for quite a while, and Dan hears his own voice finally ring out.
"I'm sorry. You don't feel the same. It's okay. We're okay, right? I don't want us to be weird because of this because oh god, I wouldn't forgive myself if our friendship was ruined because of me, I'm so sorry," Phil sits forward and tugs Dan over by his leg, trying to pry his arm off of his face. When Phil finally succeeds, brown eyes are hidden behind eyelids and the older boy sighs.
"Hey, hey, Dan. We're okay, I promise. Even though I don't feel the same, I genuinely care about you and I love you; like family. You mean a lot to me and I'm sorry that I can't say that I return your feelings. We're going to be okay. You're still my best friend." Dan can't hear it, but he remembers sighing out a, "fuck," as he sits up in the video and wraps Phil in a big hug.
Dan pauses the video and sits back in his chair, looking up at the ceiling and imagines it caving in and crushing him. He closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, opening his mouth around barely audible words, "I'll be okay."
(WAS THAT AN OKAY ENDING I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT)