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It’s a warm summer evening, just after the long awaited (and long delayed) UA Sports Festival, and Izuku sits on the porch outside the dorms alone.
One of the most important events of the year for heroes in training, and neither Izuku nor Katsuki could participate. Katsuki, because his condition is still far too feeble for that much activity, and Izuku, because he can’t afford to waste any of his embers.
It’s an awful feeling. The point of the sports festival is to brand yourself and show off for any agencies that might take you as an intern. To show off your potential.
Staring at the setting sun, Izuku gets the feeling that he really couldn’t go because he doesn’t have any potential left to show.
Katsuki was forced to stay. Katsuki fought tooth and nail, insisting that he could compete, all while his arm remained in a sling. Obviously, he lost that fight.
Izuku chose to stay.
He’s thinking about the homework he really should be doing right now when Katsuki opens the door behind him.
His hair is unbrushed and his t-shirt is wrinkled. Either he just woke up or it was too difficult for him to get dressed. Izuku couldn’t blame him for either.
They sit in silence, as they often do these days. There’s so much unsaid. Kacchan died, Deku lost his quirk, and Kacchan... cried about it.
Katsuki Bakugou doesn’t cry over others. He has bursts of emotion, he gets upset over his own inadequacy, but Izuku never imagined he’d cry over Izuku’s. His being a failure was expected. Kacchan predicted it from the beginning, and really, he shouldn’t have been surprised at all. Isn’t this just a return to the norm? Where he should’ve been all along?
“How are the embers?” That’s always Kasuki’s greeting nowadays.
“They’re okay.” That’s always Izuku’s response.
Another pause. Izuku can tell that Katsuki’s thinking about something. Otherwise, he would’ve given some sort of reply. A huff, a grunt, an ‘are you sure?’, a sigh. Instead, nothing. It’s like he asked it as a filler question.
Finally, Katsuki stands up and leans against the railing before he speaks up.
“Izuku... How do you really feel about me?”
Izuku flinches. He shouldn’t answer that. His feelings for his Kacchan got him targeted and almost killed by Shigaraki.
Besides, Kacchan wouldn’t like his answer.
“Kacchan! Hey..! W-why are you asking me that?” They don’t talk about their feelings, not since Ground Zero. Izuku knows better now. Where have feelings gotten Izuku, anyway? Feelings couldn’t save Tenko, or All Might, and especially not Katsuki.
Katsuki shrugs. He’s gotten so mild since the war. Izuku can’t tell if it’s because raging would be detrimental to his health, because of the meds he’s on, or just because the war smothered his flame.
It almost pisses Izuku off.
“We’ve barely spoken since the hospital. It’s almost like, I don’t know, you’re avoiding me. You’ve never done that before. And it just got me thinking,” Katsuki says.
Izuku thins his lips. He has been avoiding Katsuki. He can’t let himself be as close to him as he used to be ever again.
“How I feel about you. You’re–well, you’re my classmate. I think you’re going to be an amazing hero and I’m very glad I got to know you.”
“What the hell? Got to know me? What, like we aren’t gonna see each other again? Or like I’m fucking dead?”
It’s both. “I worded that wrong. I’m glad that I got to grow up with you. I’m glad we’ve known each other for so long that I’m glad I’ve gotten to see all the different versions of you.”
Katsuki furrows his eyebrows. “You shouldn’t be.” He pauses, turning something over in his head, like he’s not sure if he really wants to say it.
Then, he does. “Am I really just a classmate to you?”
Izuku doesn’t respond. How can he? There isn’t a word to describe them. They aren’t friends, they don’t talk enough for that (as Izuku has made sure of). They aren’t rivals, they can’t be, Izuku doesn’t have his quirk anymore. They aren’t nothing. They could never be nothing.
But the question wasn’t asking to define their relationship, he asked what he was to Izuku. What isn’t his Kacchan to him? He’s everything. He’s the first friend he ever made, he’s the first villain he’s ever fought, he’s the first hero he got to meet, he gave Izuku his hero name, he’s the first person Deku ever saved, he pushes Izuku down, he pushes Deku to be better, he’s Izuku’s savior, he’s Izuku’s downfall, he’s victory, he’s death, he’s the beginning, and he’s the end. He knows Katsuki better than anyone. They’ve been through everything together.
He can’t say all that, though. Katsuki would be creeped out. So he says what he can. “Of course you’re more than that, Kacchan.”
That’s all, he guesses. They’re more than classmates.
Katsuku grunts. Not the answer he wanted, then.
“Did you forgive me? Back then?” Earnest and searching, but quiet enough that it was almost a whimper. He means when he apologized before Izuku collapsed in his arms. He’d been too tired to do anything back then, much less process an apology from Kacchan, after all those years of bullying, after their complicated rivalry, and after he tried to sacrifice himself for Izuku in that battle in Jaku.
Izuku didn’t know it back then, but Katsuki had been the one to rally his classmates together to find him and bring him home. Only Katsuki had even known Izuku well enough to guess how bad it would be for him out there.
I should be asking you for forgiveness, Izuku thinks. After everything, Izuku got him killed.
Izuku takes too long to answer him. He’s gotten better at that, at staying quiet and not running his mouth.
So Katsuki runs his instead. “I fucking bullied you for almost a decade, Izuku. I mean–I made you like this. You’ve got a shitty sense of self worth, and you don’t even care about being a hero anymore because you’re quirkless now. I drilled that into you. You think that you’re worthless without One for All. You aren’t trying to pass me anymore and you aren’t trying to be a hero. And, fuck, I know we’ve gotten... better, or something.
But now that you can’t be my rival you’re never around me. We don’t talk at all anymore like we used to. So, hell, do you think that I only wanted to be around you for your quirk? That you were only useful to me as something to fucking challenge myself with? Because you’re–”
“I don’t, Kacchan. That’s not what this is.”
“Then what the hell is it?!” Katsuki yells, before his heart rate monitor goes off. “Shit!”
Izuku watches as Katsuku sits on the floor and clutches at his chest while he takes deep breaths.
Izuku isn’t worth all this. Not the argument, not the risk Katsuki’s putting his heart at just for caring about Izuku.
“Kacchan, why do you care so much that I’m quirkless now?”
“I don’t,” Katsuki spits.
“Yes, you do. You cried about it at the hospital, you keep asking me about the embers, and I see how you look at me. It’s pity. Well, I’m fine. I lived my dream! I got to be a hero, I saved the world, and All for One lost to One for All. I was a hero, and now I can be normal again, and live a normal, safe life, just like I always should have been.”
“All for One didn’t lose. He didn’t win, but he got what he wanted. He took your quirk, and he destroyed the symbol of peace. One for All doesn’t exist now, and you won’t be a hero anymore, so All Might’s legacy was killed off regardless.”
“All Might’s legacy isn’t dead, Kacchan. It would take more than just me to ever ruin that.”
“What the fuck? Izuku, you were his legacy. He gave you his power and he trained you and he trusted you to be our symbol of peace. All Might chose you to be his legacy. And now you won’t even go to the fucking sports festival. Y’know, it’s supposed to show that the world is healing and our heroes are still fighting and alive. What the fuck does it say if the savior of the world won’t even show his face?”
“It says that I want to be responsible about my remaining power, Kacchan,” Izuku glares.
“It says that our symbol of peace is fucking dead, his protegé is too tired to step up, and that we have to trust in a handfull of teenage nobodies with our futures.”
“The teenage nobodies that fought in the highly televised war side by side with us? They aren’t nobodies anymore. They can shoulder the burden just fine.”
“They’re nobodies compared to you. All Might’s legacy, remember?”
“You act like you’re independent of all this, but you were a part of his legacy, too! There’s a reason you were in every single meeting with us, and there’s a reason you were always training with me. Save to win, right? You looked up to him just as much as I did, and you always filled in his legacy where I couldn’t. I could never fulfill his legacy on my own. I don’t have your–your spirit. I don’t march towards victory like you do, I don’t have your ruthless ambition.
But look. You’re stuck here, too. So what does that say? Maybe one part of his legacy didn’t want to go to the sports festival, but you couldn’t go. What does that say, Kacchan, huh? Care to give me that analysis?”
“You’re a fucking asshole, and–”
“Then what are you?!”
“Someone who cares about y–”
“I’m tired, Kacchan. I’m tired, I’m sorry, I know. I know I let you down, I know! I think about that every night. But I can’t do this anymore. I–I saw your corpse out there. Your dead, unmoving body. Because...” Tears well up in his eyes. “...because I wasn’t good enough for you then. I’m not All Might’s legacy, how could I be? I couldn’t even save All Might. You had to come back from the dead to help me. So, I’m tired. You’re right. All for One didn’t lose. I couldn’t save Tenko, or you, or All Might.
So maybe I want an easier life now. Forgive me. Maybe I want to go to bed at night and know that my loved ones are safe. Maybe I want to wake up in the morning and know that I don’t have to risk my life to get through the day. Maybe I want to put the world in more reliable hands. Forgive me.”
Katsuki squints as he sits back down. “So... that’s it? You can’t be everywhere all at once and you decide it’s better to give up?”
“You’re oversimplifying it, and you aren’t listening, Kacchan. It’s not only that. I said safety too. Shigaraki told me– he said that– he um. He was targeting someone. Someone really, really important to me, because they were so special to me. I don’t want anyone around me under that kind of threat again, and now I can’t even protect them. Maybe, maybe, if I still had my quirk, all of this would be okay, because I could rebuild and make up for my failures, and I would have enough power to defend myself and the people that I love, but I can’t anymore.”
“So that’s fucking it? All this, all these years you’ve been chasing this one goal, and you’re giving up?”
“I’m not giving up. I was a hero. All for One is dead. And still, I’m not giving up. I’m just... putting things in better hands,” Izuku says, making deliberate eye contact.
“What the fuck?”
“Kacchan, you–”
“No. I. I’m not taking this from you. I couldn’t.”
“You will.”
“I can’t. I need you by my side, Izuku. Who’s going to cover my weak spots?”
“Kacchan doesn’t have weak spots.”
“Seriously? The only fucking reason we’re here to have this conversation is because I was too weak to be at the sports festival.”
“You’ve made great strides towards recovery, you’ll be healthier than ever soon.”
“I need you by my side. If that’s even true, what you said about me being a part of All Might’s legacy, then we should both be out there. Both halves.”
“You don’t need me, Kacchan, you never have.”
“But I did. I died–”
“Because of me.”
“No, because you weren’t there! Shit. If you had been, together, we could’ve stopped Shigaraki in ten minutes, easily.”
Izuku stares up at him with so much sadness in his eyes it rocks Katsuki to his core.
“Kacchan, you asked me what you are to me.”
“Yes,” he says, mouth instantly dry.
“Shigaraki was purposely targeting you. He saw how I reacted to you sacrificing yourself back in Jaku. I was furious and I got sloppy. He knew I–I cared about you too much. He used your death in the war to make me lose my head. He killed you and left your body out in the open because he wanted to get to me.
“Kacchan. You asked me how I felt about you. Here it is: I care about you too much. It makes me stupid and out of control. You’re... everything.”
“So... don’t give up on me, dammit! If I’m that important, you should be out on the field with me everyday, catching me when I fuck up. How the hell are you gonna ‘keep your loved ones safe’ if you can’t even see them?”
Izuku shakes his head. “They’ll just use you again. This type of feeling... it’s not good for us. It’s not good for me. It’s too much. Being with you that often would only make it worse and more obvious. I need to control my heart, and because I don’t even have a quirk to defend myself or you with, I need to let you be.”
“I can’t be that important to you if you won’t even stay around to make sure I’m safe.”
“I wouldn’t be of any use without a quirk.”
“So you would if you still had that power? If you had it, you’d be a hero with me again?”
Izuku laughs. “Yeah, sure, Kacchan, if you got me my dead quirk back, I’d go back with you.”
He says it sarcastically. He doesn’t really mean it, not at all. He wasn’t even thinking about a suit, especially not after the disaster that All Might’s was. Frankly, he let all hope and ambition for his dreams die right there on that patio.
He still couldn’t be a hero, not even with his quirk back. Not anymore.