Work Text:
12 a.m. on taco Tuesday
I'm crying out my eyes
And I'm sitting there wondering
If I want to be alive
Jungkook is sitting outside a Tacobell, it is almost midnight.
The clock ticking and in less than four minutes it’d be their anniversary.
Or well, it should’ve been.
He sits on the sidewalk, beneath the luminous sign, the bright colours being in contrast with how blue he’s feeling.
Head in his hands, crying his eyes out.
“What do I do now?” he asks himself, not knowing where to go, who to call, what to do. “I can’t call Jimin because I'm pretty sure he’s busy with Taehyung right now.. Probably fixing whatever mess I made this time.” he mumbles to himself, words coming out blurry from how kneaded his mouth feels from crying.
“Dude?” Jungkook looks up just to see a stranger looking at him.
Great, now what? I obviously had to humiliate myself in front of a stranger.
“Everything okay? Are you feeling alright?” Jungkook stays silent for a second. Looking at the stranger with hopeless teary eyes. The guy, that Jungkook assumes is older than him because of his looks, takes a tissue from his pocket and gives it to Jungkook, not a single word leaving his mouth.
When Jungkook looks at the clock again it’s midnight. A sob escapes his mouth, making the stranger almost jump from how loud it was.
“It was supposed to be our anniversary today.” Jungkook just says. The stanger sits next to him and brings a hand to his back, patting him gently to try and calm him.
“I-” Jungkook can’t even try to speak, that tears and sobs just take over him, his body shivering and shaking. “Fuck.” He just says, wiping his eyes and nose with the tissue the stanger gave him.
They stay like that for at least thirty minutes before the stranger talks again.
“Whatever you’re going through buddy, it’s valid, and it’s okay to feel it too, it’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to feel angry, it’s okay to cry.” He says. Jungkook keeps quiet, knowing that he shouldn’t overshare to a stranger, even to one that feels oddly familiar.
I don’t deserve to cry when I'm the one who messed up.
“We don’t know each other, you have no idea what i am crying about.”
“You know what they say, it’s easier to share with a stranger. The fact that I don't know gives me an unbiased and external view on the situation.” Jungkook stays silent again and just stands up, he walks away without even looking where he’s going, not having a place to stay anymore since Taehyung kicked him out.
Well he didn’t actually kick him out, Taehyung told him he needed space from him to think about what happened, and Jungkook quite literally disappeared from his life.
It’s been two weeks now.
“Yo, wait for me at least.” The stranger said.
“I do not know you, why are you following me?” Jungkook hastily answered.
“Because you are clearly not okay, and I can’t let you walk away without making sure you’re in a stable mental state.” Jungkook laughed.
“My boyfriend of four years just broke up with me, and I have nowhere to go because he kind of kicked me out so I’ll be wandering around all night. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some walking to do.”
“Mind if I walk with you?” He asks.
Jungkook doesn’t answer and keeps walking, knowing by the sound the shoes make on the wet concrete of the sidewalk that the stranger was still following him.
“I am Yoongi, by the way.” Jungkook looks at him and just nods.
They walk for an hour or so, and when it’s almost two, Yoongi takes Jungkook's elbow and stops him.
The bench in front of the river looked so inviting to Jungkook, it was basically calling at him.
“Should we sit?” Yoongi asks, smiling. Jungkook just nods and follows him to the bench.
“I’m Jungkook.”
“Ah, I was starting to wonder if you were ever gonna tell me your name.” Yoongi jokes, a light chuckle coming from him. “Do you really have no place to stay?” he asks.
Jungkook nods “Yeah, my only friend is my boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend’s best friend. I had a close friend but he stopped talking to me. I still don’t know why. And well, my parents live in Busan, South Korea. Not really easy to access. Since we’re in the US and all.”
“I’m sorry, Jungkook.” Yoongi just says.
“No need to apologise, I’m a fuck-up. I keep making mistakes, one after the other, it’s always a matter of time until people leave me.” Jungkook sighs heavily “I was hoping Taehyung wouldn’t leave me, I was hoping he loved me even though I keep messing up. But I get why he left me too.”
“It’s okay to make mistakes, and it is human to make them. If this Taehyung, who I assume is your ex boyfriend, really loves you, he’ll come back to you. You have to evaluate yourself first though. Make sure you learn from your mistakes.” Jungkook looks at Yoongi. “Some times we fuck up and we don’t know how to fix things, and we get lost in the mess we make, unable to get out of it. The important thing is you try to.” Yoongi looks at the star reflecting in the river, a wise look in his eyes appearing while he speaks. “Your loved ones can help you get through.”
Jungkook looks down to his feet, wondering who are his loved ones aside from Taehyung.
He really has no one.
Is it even worth it to live?
Is it even worth it to live when you have no one who loves you? Is it even worth it to live when even your only love gives up on you?
Jungkook doesn’t think it is worth it to stay.
Jungkook thinks he wasn’t worth it enough for Taehyung to stay.
‘Please, don’t forget you love me. ’
And I'm starin' out the window
I'm lookin' through the rain
And I swear to God I see you standin' there
Everything, everywhere, everywhere
It’s 3 am when the two strangers pull up at a ‘24 hour open’ diner.
The rain pouring down as if the sky sensed how sad Jungkook is.
Yoongi took him there because he looked hungry, but Jungkook isn’t hungry, even though he doesn’t even remember when was the last time he ate a real meal.
“I’m paying Jungkook, no need to keep yourself from eating whatever you want.” Jungkook nods and mumbles a whispered thank you. But he doesn’t move.
Eyes still focused on the rain hitting the windows and the sound of it. How calming it seems to be but how good it represents Jungkook’s emotions.
When he notices that Jungkook isn’t really there , Yoongi decides to bring him food, not wanting him to starve.
“Eat up. I got you a slice of pizza and some fries, I don’t know what you like but I'm pretty sure everyone likes pizza and fries.”
“Why are you doing this for me? You don’t even know me… yet you’re treating me as if you’ve known me your whole life, even buying me food and..” Jungkook sighs and takes his phone out of his pocket for the first time in hours.
He has 17 missed calls from Taehyung and a message from Jimin.
“You better text him or answer to one of his calls because I think you’ve fucked up enough. You need to get your shit together because if he is willing to go on and take more of your bullshit I am not.” Jungkook feels his eyes getting wet with tears.
“Who the fuck is this guy?” Yoongi says “Why the hell are you letting him walk all over you like that? Jesus if you’re the one that need to get a grip then the fuck should he do?” He sounds really angry at Jimin even though he has no idea of what the situation is.
“You have no idea what’s going on so please… stay out of it.”
“Jungkook if that’s your friend that’s actually your ex’s best friend than that’s fucked up, aren’t friends supposed to be there for each other? Even if you’re in the wrong here you’re going through a break up as much as your ex is.” Yoongi takes a bite of his pizza and munches for a bit, probably thinking of what to say next. “I know i don’t know you or your situation, but i’m pretty sure you know you fucked up seeing how bad you look right now, no offense. If I were you I’d get angry at him.” Jungkook just shakes his head and looks out the window. The rain making everything blurry.
He sees a familiar face in the rain. His heart stops beating.
“Yoongi, tell me you see him too.” He says.
“Who?” Yoongi says, looking right where Jungkook’s eyes are.
“Taehyung” Jungkook rubs his eyes with his palms, wondering if he’s hallucinating. When he re-opens them he still sees him. “I see him, standing right there in the rain, looking at me.”
Yoongi shakes his head “Jungkook i really can’t see him, i think your brain is trying to tell you something.” Jungkook’s shoulders drop.
“So I actually was hallucinating…” He takes a fries from his plate and brings it to his mouth, opening a gate of hunger that Jungkook didn’t feel until then.
“Thank you for the food.” Jungkook just says, his mind going back to Taehyung and thinking of a way to get him back.
Maybe he’s focusing on the wrong thing, he probably should focus on himself and on how to get fixed .
“I’m sorry I haven’t been good company so far, I usually am much more friendly than this, I almost never stop talking, it’s just…” Jungkook takes a bite off his pizza slice. “I’ve been thinking about what you said and, I’m not sure I’ve ever examined myself enough to actually understand and change my mistakes. I was thinking of maybe going back home to my parents. I could use some time there, maybe a therapist could help. I want to win him back, you know.” Yoongi smiles and nods.
“I know that feeling of need. You want to change for him. And that’s actually very good, it shows how much you love him.”
‘Don’t forget I love you.’
[...]
'Cause on that last night
Instead of looking for a fight
I should have looked you in the eyes
'Cause what it really was was me begging
“I do love him, but sometimes I can’t control myself and I do stuff I shouldn’t do.”
“Did you cheat on him?” Jungkook chokes on his own saliva.
“No! I would never cheat on him.” Yoongi just nods. “I just tend to become aggressive when I feel accused, verbally speaking, of course. I’ve never once insulted him or offended him directly, nor called him names. My behaviour is the problem, i can never apologise even when i’m wrong, i only attack and attack. I pick up so many fights just because I can't own up to my mistakes and apologize. Even yesterday, when he kicked me out, we were fighting, and it got pretty bad.” Jungkook gulps. “It’s just, I think we can’t really communicate right now. We've tried so many times to understand how to fix things up, but we’d fight and then have sex you know. We used to fuck the tension out, but we got to a point where we couldn’t even talk that everything we said lead to a fight. Even a simple ‘I love you’”
“Ah, that’s why he kicked you out, he’s probably as torn as you are right now.” Jungkook smiles sadly.
“Knowing him he’s most probably beating himself up for having kicked me out.” He feels his eyes get prickly again, tears collecting while he thinks of how bad Taehyung must be feeling. He’s always been way too kind for Jungkook.
“It’s okay to cry and get emotional while talking about him, Jungkook, you love him and I can sense that by the way you talk about him and your relationship.” Yoongi gulps and licks his lips. “This doesn’t really have to be the end, it could be a starting point for the both of you to finally understand what went wrong before and try to grow.” Jungkook nods and sniffles, tears finally escaping.
“I should text him.” Jungkook says “He’s been trying to call me for hours, he’s probably worried.”
“Hi Taehyung, don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay. I love you so much, I’m sorry for fucking everything up. I'll reach out when I get better at showing you I love you.”
Jungkook waits until the message is marked as seen to block his contact, knowing better than running back to him when his mind is still a mess.
He puts his phone back in his pockets again.
“I really don’t think I can live without him, I’ve only known life with him. I’ve known him since primary school, we were classmates, we’ve been friends since forever, and only here in New York after two years of living together we understood we actually love each other.” Jungkook sighs. “I really don’t know life without him.”
Yoongi pats his right shoulder, nodding as if he understands what Jungkook is going through.
“I think I should go back to my parents’ house in Busan for a while, see my old therapist and try to get out of this mess I became. When his dog died, two years ago, we had a fight because he felt neglected. I obviously replied harshly, saying that it wasn’t true and that I had to work to pay the bills, so I couldn’t stay at home all day to be with him.” Jungkook shivers at the memory. “He looked at me with so much hurt in his eyes that I thought he was gonna break up with me, but he didn’t. He pushed through probably to see if I would ever change.”
“But you didn’t.” Yoongi said.
“I didn’t.” Jungkook confirmed, nodding. “I’m sorry I’m oversharing, but I feel like I needed to get it out and I have no one, so..” He doesn’t finish the sentence, leaves it there hanging, sure that Yoongi knows how that was going to end.
“I don’t mind. I was about to offer you to stay at my place for the time you have to wait before boarding on a plane back to South Korea.” Jungkook stills.
“What?”
“You have nowhere to stay, right? So just come stay at my place. I have a spare bedroom, it was for my roommate but he’s in Australia right now so it’s free and has been unused for months. Plus I'd like the company for a bit.”
Jungkook is hesitant, not sure whether it’s the best thing to do to go live with a stranger. A stranger that now knows almost everything about him and his relationship but who he knows nothing about.
“I’m not sure Yoongi, I was thinking of…” sleeping in the car and shower in public bathrooms to avoid wasting money . He doesn’t say that though, knowing that’d be too embarrassing. “And plus: I don’t know you..”
“I’m Yoongi, I’m 29 and I am a producer at the JinHit. It's a small company but it pays pretty well. My family is from South Korea but moved to the States when I was a newborn, so I’m not really attached to my origins. I have a younger sister that still lives with my parents in North Carolina, she’s 21. Now you know basically everything about me.”
“You want me to come live with you so bad?” Jungkook asks, starting to think he might take the risk of living with him for a bit, not because he’s that desperate but because the fact that he’s a producer could help him actually achieve his dream.
“Yes, I’ve been feeling a bit lonely since my roommate and best friend moved to Australia, and plus, I'm not a very people person so I almost never get out of my way to meet new people, and I think I was bound to meet you tonight.” Jungkook just nods.
“Okay, I’ll do it. But I’m unemployed right now, so I can’t even pay you rent.” Yoongi just smiles and stands up to pay.
“Follow me, kid, I don’t care if you’re broke. We’re going home to sleep now.”
Don't forget you love me
Love me, love me, love me
No, don't forget you love me
Love me, love me, love me
No
In a week Jungkook should’ve gotten the plane back to Busan, going back to his family after a year and a half.
He was in the car, parked outside his house. Where he and Taehyung used to share a home. It had been 3 weeks since he stormed out of that door with nothing on him but his wallet and his phone. Yoongi gave him permission to use his roommate's clothes, reassuring him that he would not be back any time soon.
He looks at the clock.
3.12 pm
Okay, Taehyung should be at work, so if I get in I have time to take my things and leave.
He gets out of the car and goes into the building, the feeling of sadness heavy in his chest as he approaches his entrance door.
How he misses his Taehyung.
He turns the keys in the lock and opens the door, memories from their life there flooding back stronger than ever, the overwhelming nostalgia taking over his body and tears falling down his cheeks before he can control them.
“Jungkook?” A voice asks.
Jungkook stands still in front of the now closed door. Knowing that running away is useless, and that he’d like to see Taehyung again before leaving for only God knows how long.
“You’re home.” Jungkook only says, not sure how to approach him after everything he did to him. “I thought you’d be at work.”
“I didn’t go today, took a sick leave.” Jungkook nods and keeps his eyes pointed down to the floor, his shoes looking pretty interesting. Even though he wants to ask him why, to know if he’s actually feeling sick.
“I came by to get some clothes and stuff of mine, I’m going back to Busan in a week.” He says, walking to what used to be their bedroom. “I’m not moving there, I-“ he stops, wondering why he is justifying himself to Taehyung. But he really does want him to know he’s getting better just for him. “I need to work on myself to make us work hyung.”
Taehyung stands there, looking at Jungkook walking to their room. Feeling like he should run after him and apologise for thinking that they need time apart.
Knowing that he can’t live without Jungkook and hoping that they could work things out together.
After 15 minutes Jungkook comes out of the room with a huge luggage full of his clothes.
“I left the t-shirt you use to sleep in the closet, and before you say anything, yes I know it’s my favourite but you love it too much for me to take it away from you.” Jungkook says, finally finding the courage to look Taehyung in the eyes.
Taehyung looks like he hasn’t slept in days. Jungkook wants to ask, but he knows it’s not his place to.
“Jungkook, please stay safe.” Taehyung says, taking Jungkook’s left hand between his. “I’m sorry I told you I needed time away from you. It was a lie I can’t live without you, you know that.” Jungkook’s eyes feel watery again, he nods.
“I know you’re sorry my love, but as Jimin said, I need to work my shit out and be better for you. I will try to change for you, hyung, because I can’t live without you either, but I want to be worthy of your love, and I feel like right now I am not.” Jungkook just says, taking a few steps closer to Taehyung. “Please just… Don’t forget you love me, hyung. I don’t know how much time it’ll take me to actually start seeing changes in myself. I won’t ask you to wait for me because it’d be selfish, but do not forget you love me hyung. I love you.” Jungkook is crying. Loud sobs shaking his body.
“I won’t my Jungkookie, I love you too just as much. I’ll wIt for you. I’ll be here whenever you feel ready.”
Jungkook kisses him hard. The kiss feeling like a permanent goodbye. Both of them crying.
Jungkook is the first to get back, right hand on the luggage, steps already towards the door.
“I love you.” he just says, and closes the door behind himself before he could hear an answer.
But I've tried enough to call you
And I'm scared that you'll pick up
'Cause I know that I don't want you to
'Cause, baby, I'd havе to own up
To everythin', oh, evеrythin' I've done to you
And all I did to us
It had been 2 months of being back in South Korea when Jungkook had to resist the urge of calling Taehyung to ask him how he is doing.
Thankfully before his finger could press the call button, his phone started ringing, Yoongi’s ID name appearing on the screen.
“Hyung?” Jungkook replies.
“Jungkook! It’s been so long since I last heard from you.” he dramatically says, Jungkook laughs and relaxes on the seat.
“I called you two days ago hyung, stop being dramatic.” he can hear Yoongi smiling on the other side of the phone. “Why are you calling me right now?”
“Didn’t you just get out of your weekly therapy session?” Jungkook scoffs.
“Are you keeping tabs on me?” He playfully replies.
“Obviously not, your hyung just wanted to ask you how it’s going.” Jungkook takes a deep breath.
“I think I’m doing better, I’ve been practising with my brother too. Like he tries to put me in situations where I feel under pressure so that I know how to behave when it happens.” Yoongi doesn’t speak, giving Jungkook the courage to go on speaking. “I miss him hyung, I feel the need to call him right now more than ever, when I got here I didn’t want to call him because I felt ashamed. Now I want to call him but I know I’d have to own up to how much I messed things up between us, and probably how much I fucked him up too.” Jungkook sighs again, his hand reaching for the vape in his jeans pocket.
“Have you told your therapist yet?” Jungkok shakes his head as smoke leaves his mouth, clouding the car.
“I haven’t, and I’m pretty sure she’d tell me to go for it. That means that I’m finally ready to go back and face everything I left there.” Jungkook takes another puff of smoke from his vape. “I don’t think I’m ready yet, but I know at some point I’ll give in to my urges and finally sort things out.”
“Mh, I think you’re ready, Jungkook.” Yoongi just says “I can tell you’ve changed a lot, when i met you just three months ago you were a mess, and now… now you feel healed.” Yoongi just says.
Jungkook feels his eyes tear up. He sniffles.
“Oh my god Jungkook are you crying?”
“No, obviously I'm not! It’s just allergies!” He quickly replies, not wanting Yoongi to know how much those words mean to him. “Thank you hyung, for being there for me and helping me go through this, for giving me a place to stay when I was basically homeless and ready to sleep in my car.” he laughs at the last part. “I love you hyung, seriously.”
“Ha, stop with this already, it’s weird to hear you saying such sweet words.” Jungkook laughs, imagining how flustered Yoongi must be feeling right now.
“Hyung i forgot to tell you something, I got a new tattoo!”
A week later, a therapy session later Jungkook finally finds the courage to call Taehyung, his therapist insisting for him to do it.
“Hello?” Taehyung replies, Jungkook feels like breathing again, hearing Taehyung's voice felt like spring, like flowers were blooming all over again.
“Hi.” Jungkook just says.
“Jungkook?” Taehying says, as if he didn’t read the caller ID when he replied (knowing him he definitely didn’t read it.).
“Yes, hi hyung.”
The phone call lasted 3 hours, three long hours where the both of them cried and apologised, Jungkook insisting to let him speak first, having a lot of stuff to tell him and to face.
That same night Jungkook kept thinking of Taehyung, of how much he missed him, how much he loved him and he wonders how he dealt with being so far from him until that moment. He feels guilty that Taehyung had to deal with his worst versions, and got to love his best ones only as a child in primary and middle school. He wonders how Taehyung put up with him for all those years and how could he never give up.
“I’ve always thought you were the one for me Jungkookie, you and your big heart and amazing personality, I chose you because you are my person and you’ve always made me feel loved and special.”
He remembers the words Taehyung said the day they finally got together after months of pining after each other.
After breaking the ice with that call Taehyung and Jungkook hear from each other almost everyday, their dynamics not really clear. Jungkook doesn’t want to ask anything, afraid to overstep and also not wanting to do anything over the phone.
There was a night when Jungkook felt like their usual connection was back.
“It’s 3 am here now, we’ve been on the phone for five hours now hyung.” Jungkook yawns.
“Are you sleepy?” Jungkook smiles.
“I’m not hyung, if you want to keep talking I can keep you company, let me just grab coffee first.”
“The house is so empty without you.” Taehyung just says, Jungkook’s heart aches hearing those words. “This bed is too big for me, and I’m always cold, I miss laying my head on your chest and feeling your lips on my head, on my cheeks and on my neck.” Taehyung takes a deep breath as if to prepare himself mentally before saying something. “I miss your hands on me Jungkook. It’s making me crazy, I’m always thinking about you.”
Jungkook already understands. Knows Taehyung way too much not to know what he’s trying to do. He slowly pushes his sweat pants down to his knees, laying with his underwear on.
“Always?”
“Yes, Jungkook, always.”
“Hyung…” Jungkook whines “Don’t do this to me.” He says, his mind thinking of how Taehyung used to touch him, how his hands felt on his skin, his mouth on his chest.
“Do what?” Jungkook hears the malicious tone in Taehyung’s voice, he knows exactly what he’s doing.”
“Fuck hyung, It’s been so long.” Jungkook palms himself through the thin fabric of his underwear, thinks of how Taehyung’s mouth used to feel on him, how his lips could make him come undone by just sucking and licking his nipples. His left hand pinching his nipple, making him part his legs and bite his lips.
“I bet you’re touching your nipples, you and your little sensitive nipples.” Jungkook whines. “Ah, I still know you pretty well.”
“I haven’t really changed. I still like you and everything you do.” Jungkook moans softly, not to be heard, while he feels himself getting harder as Taehyung speaks again.
“If I were there I’d already have my mouth and hands on you.” Jungkook finally removes his briefs and pulls out his cock, precome already gripping off the red tip. “You’re already touching yourself, you eager boy.” Jungkook takes the new lube he bought from his nightstand drawer and spreads some on his hands to ease the slide. “I’m touching myself too.” Taehyung says, whimpering right after, making Jungkook twitch in his hand.
“Hyung, my love.. Please, I need you so much.” Jungkook says, fisting his cock and moving his right hand up and down, while his left hand kept on touching his nipple.
“I wish I could be there, using you and playing with you as much as I like.” Jungkook moans and arches his back. “Fuck how I’d wish I could see your pretty cock.”
“Hyung.” Jungkook just says. Taehyung understands.
“Already so close baby?” Jungkook’s hand speeds up the rhythm, Taehyung’s voice being so overwhelming feeding his imagination, that he can’t resist no more.
“Yes hyung, please.” He says, making himself vulnerable, knowing that he’s always safe with Taehyung. His strokes losing the rhythm, the known warm feeling setting in his lower belly. “Please I-”
“You can come Kook.” That’s all Jungkook needs to let his orgasm take over, cum spurting all over his t-shirt and his hand. A loud moan and a few whimpers leave his mouth.
They both stay in silence for what felt like hours but actually were ten minutes.
“I have to clean myself up now.” Jungkook groans.
“I love you Jungkook, I love you so much and tonight finally felt like we were back to ourselves again.” Jungkook who was about to stand up, lays still and listens to Taehyung’s breathing, somehow in sync with his own.
“I love you too, my love.”
Jungkook’s plane was about to land, he couldn’t sit still. Nervousness driving him insane.
Taehyung was also pacing in front of the gate, waiting impatiently for Jungkook to finally come out.
As soon as Jungkook landed he turned off the aiplane mode on his phone and sends a few texts. When the boarding crew finally let them get off Jungkook was sprinting towards the gate. The thought of meeting Taehyung again, of finally kiss him again making him
jump in his feet, almost skip instead of run.
As he reaches the gate anxiety starts to build up, what if Taehyung doesn’t like his new long hair and tattoo? Jungkook shakes his head and starts walking towards the exit.
As soon as he gets out he looks around, looking for that familiar face he loves so much.
He spots him in the crowd and runs towards him, when Taehyung notices him he stands still, mouth agape as he looks at him.
When Jungkook is close enough he lets go of his luggage and opens his arms to hug Taehyung.
When their bodies meet, Jungkook feels finally complete.
“Hi.” Taehyung breathes in. “I didn’t forget. I didn’t forget you love me.”