Chapter Text
—Chapter 1— Notes, dreams and computer screens—
“Saturday. 5 of august. 22.03
I started the day by running by Fit’s house. Nothing special really, I do that all the time. It was quieter than normal, he wasn't home. Ramon wasn't either. I forgot they left for vacation last week. It was honestly pretty disappointing. I was hoping to hang out with them or maybe to help Ramon with his last tasks. When I had waited for a few minutes I remembered they weren't home and decided to go check up on richas instead. I checked the map and saw that he was with Cellbit at his castle. I don't think it would have gone well to go there today so I just walked back to the lab instead..
I honestly thought I was over it. It's usually fine and I can handle myself fine around him but today was one of the harder days. One of those days where just seeing the guy would just fuel a thousand flashbacks and the lingering feeling of needing to vomit. I didn't see Richas today. I didn't want to deal with Cellbit today. Even if he's changed, and trust me I know he has, it just feels weird. It's not for my sake I'm avoiding him, it's for others as well. I mean he's not the same person anymore so me acting like he hasn't wouldn’t help anyone. And I don't want to scare Richas. Poor boy will crumble if he finds out how Cellbit used to act.
I ended up spending the day in the lab. Again. I barely leave the lab nowadays, i eat, sleep breathe live the lab. And I probably won't leave for a while, or at least until Fit’s back. I don't want to leave the lab right now anyway. But the last thing I want is for people to worry, for two reasons.
1. I'm already enough of a problem for pepole and i dont want them to go around worrying about me.
2. Cellbit will catch on, he always does. He can always read me. And if the starts to worry I'll have to talk to him and I'm not sure if I can manage that right now.
Mike is gone again, i really need him here at the lab to help with my new project but he isn't responding on the comm, it's the same error screen as when you try to contact someone in a federation facility and that worries me a lot, i don't think i could do with him gone for a longer time, especially when Fit and Ramon is away aswell. Man, please dont let mike be kidnapped. Please god let him return tomorrow. He puts away the diary, somewhat slowly unsure if he remembered everything. The book gets tucked into the already overfilled desk drawer that's barely able to open anymore. One look around this room and you already know how much time pac has put into this room. The answer is not very much, there is a bed, yes and the overfilled chaotic desk of course and a few polaroids stuck onto the wall with bluetac. But the room still has that sterile feeling you won't get away from in a lab. The harsh lighting and the constant need for cleanliness is a dead giveaway. Pac doesn't have to live here 24/7 though, he does have the coasier house a few hundred blocks away but.. who am i kidding he spends a majority of his time here anyway. At Least it could be worse, it could be prison. Yes prison is much worse pac thinks. The polaroids on the wall portray multiple different people, most of them are old now though, you can tell because the edges have started to fray and yellow slightly. You can barely make out the boys standing there in the frame. Both with totally intact limbs, without scars, both on the inside and outside. There is something so pure about it, before all the bad stuff happend everything was so pure and happy. No fits of anxiety, no psycopaths invading their life, no trauma, no flashbacks, no dreams. Thinking back about that time is both amazing and awful. He doesn't remember much anyway. So lets not stress about it. Pac leaves the “bedroom” and goes back into the laboratory office just a corridor away.
After a few hours of work and research rings the notification signal of pacs communicator.
“Are you still up? You should sleep. Its 4 in the morning”
the message comes from phil. A truly kind man, he never wants anything bad for anyone really, but Pac doesn't feel like going to sleep. To sleep, to the bed where a nightmare probably waits for him, or a flashback or whatever bad stuff that happens when he can't control his brain. Control is a great power when dealing with fear. “You're not better yourself old man” Pac responds after a while, he writes with a humorous tone even though he's everything other than feeling it right now. He puts his communicator in silent mode and continues working.
Look down. Focus. Write your code perfectly. Not one mistake. Do it fast, but precise. Don't let your mind wander. Write your code, this is the one thing you can control right now write the code.
A few more hours of work and the sun is starting to show over quesadilla island. Pac's eyes begin to close themselves but he immediately shoots them open again. A few minutes pass flickering between wake and sleep before he eventually gives up. The sleep deprived body crashes into the computer screen and sets peacefully onto the keyboard fast asleep. It's not the first time Pac falls asleep like this, after days and days of not sleeping, barely eating and constant stress, and it is far from the last. The dream plays out like always,
It hasn't gotten easier with time. Its always as bad. Pac sits crouched in a corner of the abandoned prison cell trying to make himself as small as possible. Not that Cell can't see him, he would be stupid if he taught that. He doesn't want to but he looks up and meets the chilling gaze of Cell. Of everything pac can't recall exactly does this have to be the thing he can't exactly remember? He still hates looking Cellbit in the eyes to this day. Nothing happens for a while, they just stare at each other. Cell's eyes stare into his soul. Quiet but terrifying. He had a weapon or maybe he didn't. It doesn't matter in the end. Then black, sometimes the dream fills out the memory gap with nonsense, like his mind trying to make sense of the random jump in time. But this time nothing. Then the blood is everywhere. On both the people in the room, all over the floor, the walls. Then black again. He most likely fainted due to the pain during the actual incident. The next memory without fail or change is always the same. Cell wipes saliva mixed with blood from his mouth and face. He doesn't even look away in shame. He just stares into the abyss unbothered. Its equally as terrifying every dream, every time. Pac's left leg is in pieces all over the floor. The few remaining pieces anyway. What kind of monster can just pull off a leg like that? With teeth and willpower souly. Its like its just another day for him. While pac is changed forever, Cell has no shame in his actions. At Least not for another few years.
Pac is woken up by a hand lighly touching his shoulder. This scares pac. It scares him a lot. For him, being woken up from nightmares arent pretty and it takes a few seconds for him to regain consiousnes and understand where he is. So when the hand lands on his shoulder his reaction is screaming right out.