Chapter Text
Darry doesn’t cry. Not since his parents died. Not when he had to drop out of college. Not even when Pony came home with the news about Johnny. Dally's death was a breaking point. He cried a little bit then, but that was mainly just everything piling up. Well, he wasn’t even actually crying. He felt the need for tears, but his eyes were run dry, he couldn’t even manifest tears no matter how hard he tried.
But sometimes, when the house is too quiet and Ponyboy’s door is closed, he’ll sit on the edge of his bed and stare at the ceiling like it owes him answers.
He was supposed to live, you know? He was supposed to play football and go to college and maybe fall in love with someone who made him forget the weight in his chest. Instead, he’s working two jobs and yelling too much and trying not to break under the pressure of being everything for two kids- one of which just thinks he’s just angry all the time.
I mean, he is angry. Angry that his parents died. Angry that Soda can’t notice he’s slipping. Angry that Ponyboy looks at him like he’s the enemy when all he’s trying to do is keep them together. He’s tired of being the villain in a story he never asked to be in.
He misses being a brother. He misses laughing. He misses the kid he used to be, before responsibility turned him into someone even he barely recognizes.
And sometimes, late at night, he wonders if it’s all worth it. If he’s doing enough. If his parents would even be proud of him.
But he never says that out loud. He just goes to work. Pays the bills. And hopes, deep down, that someday Ponyboy will understand what it cost him to hold their family together.
This one night he couldn’t take it. Ponyboy had just gone to his room, and Sodapop had been fast asleep. He knew that Ponyboy wouldn’t mind seeing him gone. But, just maybe he would. Maybe Ponyboy and Soda would be put in a boys’ home. Honestly, the people there would probably treat them better. Better than Darry ever could, according to his judgement. Darry shrugged those thoughts from his mind. He had to stay here, yeah. He couldn’t leave. Soda and Pony had just lost two people they cared about more than.. anyone else just a month ago.
But, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t shrug off the feeling of disrespect. He felt like he had that night Pony was out too late, minus the violence. He couldn’t do anything to anyone right now- he had no reason to. He glanced at his wall, and the holes in said wall. Dallas had been reeling drunk one time he came over, and boy was he mad. He punched those holes in the wall. Darry swiped away the thoughts of Dallas. He was gone, and he would have to suck that up. He whispered to himself over and over again, some stupid message. He couldn’t make out what, and it was coming out of his own mouth! But the feeling of being able to talk, even if it was to nobody. It was comforting.
He felt a tear drip down his cheek.
He sat there confused. He hadn’t cried like this since his parents died about 9 months ago. There ain’t nothing he could do but let the tears fall. All of this stuff was from the past, but it ran through his head like a hurricane. The guilt- if he didn’t want that specific frosting for his birthday cake, his parents wouldn't have had to drive across the railroad. The thought of that made him sick.
Nobody was here to console him as he cried. All he had was him, and his thoughts. Maybe that’s how it’d always be- Soda had Pony to worry about, and Pony… Pony had a lot to worry about. Steve and Soda had each other's back, too. Steve also had Two-Bit. But Darry? He never really had the other half of his pair. He felt this longing for someone- someone to be there for him. Someone to try to understand, someone to try to love him. Nobody would ever try that- not even Darrel himself. He had enough to worry about enough with the boys, and the risk of them being put in a boys’ home. Nobody would be there for Darry, and he’s grown to accept that.
Darrel looked up to see the light from the window feeling a sort of trance coming onto him. He slowly got up and started to slowly walk over. He cracked the window open, and it was easier than it should have been. He was strong, but he hadn’t used that window in forever. It was colder than he thought. He shivered and took another step forward and knelt down by the windowsill, taking a piece of paper from his pocket. Closing his eyes, he took a shaky breath and tried to think of how to explain. Would Ponyboy care? He secretly hoped that Pony would, ‘cause that’d mean Pony loved him.
He opened his eyes slowly, shivering a little bit as he stared down at the paper. What on Earth could he say to them? He decided to make the letter to Soda.
He put the paper on the back cover of a book, and started writing down everything that came to his head.
“Sodapop,
I don’t know how to start this— or even if I should. Maybe you’ll hate me for leaving you like this. Maybe you won’t understand.
I’ve tried so, so hard to be strong for you and Pony. Ever since mom and dad died, I worked hard, held everything in, and did my best to keep us all together. But I was tired, Soda. So damn tired.
I never meant to be hard on either of you two. I didn’t know how else to protect you. I’ve been scared every day of losing you, of failing you.
None of this was your fault, it’s mine. My choices lead to me not being good enough of a brother for you.
You’ve always been the light in this house, keep being that. Pony’s gonna need you now more than ever. Help him out with this— remind him I love him.
Don’t let the pressure build up on yourself though, Soda. I don’t want you going through what I did- talk to Two-Bit about it, I think he will be able to help.
Don’t let me not being here take away your smile.
Love, Darrel.”
The writing was shaky and rushed.
Darry looked over the note over and over. He checked everything, the spelling, the message it was sending. Finally he forced himself to put them down on the bed. He was shaking now as he stepped into the open window.
Feeling the breeze and seeing the sky, Darry felt himself whisked away to almost 8 years ago. He’d been trying to study in the kitchen for school the next day, he had a really hard test the next day. Just as he was solving the hardest question, he heard the loudest giggle he’d ever heard.He made his way up to his room, ready to yell at his brothers for barging in when he saw them. Sodapop and Ponyboy standing by an open window, bouncing up and down, ready to jump. Darry lunged for them, scooping them up in his arms.
“What the hell are you doing!?” Darry had tried his best not to scream, ultimately failing. Soda and Pony looked up with their big innocent eyes. “We…We were trying to fly…”
Darry sighed and sat them down on his bed. He had to be the one to explain to the 6 and 8 year old that they couldn’t fly, no matter how hard they tried to. He felt like he was telling a 3 year old that Santa wasn’t real. They didn’t cry or get mad, just sort of sadly looked up at him and apologized.
And there Darry stood, in that same window. The only difference was that he wasn’t like his sweet little brothers. He knew he couldn’t fly. He took a shaky breath, and looked around his room one last time. He pushed the window open the rest of the way it could open. He stepped on the windowsill, and tried to squeeze his way through. Eventually, he got himself pretty close to being able to easily fall, he was simply sitting there. Sitting on the outside of the windowsill, feet dangling. It would be so easy to just slip away. He got some strength in his arms, and took a final deep breath.
Suddenly, Darrel heard a soft voice coming from his door. He tensed as he heard it creak open.
“Darry?”
Darry quickly recognized that voice as Sodapop’s. He whipped his head around so fast, looking at Soda with even more fearful eyes than soda had on his own face.
Soda’s eyes were wide, and Darry felt sick. What was I thinking?
Soda realized what was going on and bounded over. “DARRY!” Darry turned his head around to look at Sodapop, ashamed. He hadn’t taken the time to think whether his brothers would want to be put in a boy’s home.
Soda cried and leapt over the bed to grab him, holding him tight. “Darry, Darry, Darry…” He murmured to himself over and over again. “Darry, what’re you doing?” Fresh tears sprung to Darry’s eyes. Eventually, he left his restraint behind and wept.
“Darry, please don’t tell me…you can’t…” He hiccuped. “Darry…” He whined in protest. “I’ll help with the bills, I’ll talk to Pony, please, just don’t leave us …”
Darry’s heart sank, and he held Soda. “Soda, no, no, it’s not you, it’s not your fault…”
Darry made his way to his bed, burying his face in his hands. “I’m sorry…” He mumbled. “I’m so sorry baby, I’m sorry…” Darry tried to stay upright and strong looking, but after a few seconds he couldn’t take it anymore and doubled over sobbing. He was miserable realizing that Soda had to watch him break down. The poor boy had just experienced the worst trauma and had to watch the only strength in his life break. He was supposed to be Soda’s rock, something he could depend on. Darrel didn’t want to have feelings, he wanted to help Soda and Pony.
“I’m so sorry Soda…I just…I couldn’t…I thought…” his words caught in his throat… “I don’t know— I was stuck in a l-loop, I’m so sorry, I’ll never leave you, never ever ever…”
Darry could get better- he could be better. He had to, he had to stay for Soda— and Pony, he couldn’t hurt them. They’d been through too much lately, and Darry couldn’t add to that. That was when Darry swore to himself- he would protect them forever and always, and he would protect himself.