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1. Protocol: "Spider Safety Lock"
Peter was dangling off the side of a building, just trying to grab his morning coffee, when he suddenly realized his web shooters had locked up. He quickly stabilized himself with pure spider instinct, but when he looked down, the coffee shop seemed way farther than he expected. Frowning, he pressed the buttons on his wrists. Nothing.
Peter: “Oh, come on. Now?!”
He tried again. Still nothing. He held his breath in a slight panic and opened the comms in his earpiece.
Peter: “Mr. Stark, why did my web shooters suddenly lock?!”
Tony’s voice came through, way too cheerful for the situation.
Tony: “Ha! Because you, my little trouble magnet, were once again doing unnecessarily dangerous stunts between skyscrapers.”
Peter scowled.
Peter: “I was just… going down to get coffee. So what, Spider-Man’s not allowed to drink coffee now?”
Tony: “No problem with the coffee, web-head. Problem is doing it while hanging off the side of a 60-story building. Ever heard of an elevator? I made sure Stark Tower’s worked just fine when I built it.”
Peter glanced down at the people walking by. If he went the normal way, it’d take him at least five minutes. One well-aimed web would’ve done the trick—if it were working.
Peter: “So how am I supposed to get down now? Just hang here for hours? Please don’t do this to me!”
Happy’s voice cut in, clearly eavesdropping on the conversation.
Happy: “I have to tell Pepper about this! It really shows how committed you are to safety protocols.”
Peter rolled his eyes.
Peter: “Okay, how do I disable this?”
Tony: “Oh, easy. Turn eighteen.”
Peter: “MR. STARK!”
Tony: “Yeah, yeah, I hear you. But seriously, Pete, didn’t I tell you about the new ‘Spider Safety Lock’ system?”
Peter: “Uhh… no?”
Tony: “Right. So here’s the deal: If you do something dangerous, the system auto-locks. I have to manually approve reactivation. It’s kind of like parental controls. Neat, huh?”
Peter: “No! Not neat at all!”
Tony: “Before you complain, maybe think about how you’re getting down. Because I’m not coming to save you.”
Peter took a deep breath. “Okay, calm down, Parker. There’s always a solution.” Then, slowly, he pressed against the building’s glass and started climbing down by hand.
Tony: “There we go! Progress!”
Peter: “You’re doing this just to annoy me, aren’t you?”
Tony: “If keeping you safe also entertains me, is that really my fault?”
Peter sighed, accepting the sad truth that he’d be coffee-less for the foreseeable future. It was going to be a long day.
---
2. Protocol: "Panic Button"
Peter stood on a rooftop, breathing heavily. His heart was racing, and suddenly the spider symbol on his chest began flashing red. At first, he ignored it. But when the light grew brighter and more insistent, he quickly activated his comms.
Peter: “Mr. Stark, the spider on my chest is lighting up. Why is it lighting up?! And why is it flashing more and more?!”
Tony’s voice came through with his usual irritatingly amused tone.
Tony: “Ah, that’s the Panic Button. Kicks in when your heart rate gets too high. If your pulse spikes, it sends a signal directly to me. You know, because your chances of being in danger are always at least 110%.”
Peter tried to steady his breathing while rolling his eyes.
Peter: “So… every time I fight and my heart rate rises, it just pings you automatically?! That’s insane! I’m always moving!”
Tony: “Bingo! And bonus: At 120 bpm, it notifies Happy. At 150, it pings Rhodey. And at 180? It calls May. Isn’t it beautiful? A big warm family hug.”
Peter: “MR. STARK, ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!”
Happy’s voice joined in, clearly having just received a new alert.
Happy: “Oh, got a call! Hey, May! Yep, Peter was fine a minute ago, but now I think he’s mid-panic attack…”
Peter lunged forward, frantically trying to shut off the comms on his wrist.
Peter: “NO! Shut it off! SHUT IT OFF! Happy, please! You’re gonna give May a heart attack!”
Tony: “Fun fact: Peter’s max heart rate is 179. Because at 180, he actually passes out. But hey, I think we need to verify that data with more testing.”
Peter: “Mr. Stark, if you were here right now, I would–”
Tony: “I love you too, bug boy. Now drink some water and breathe. Happy, could you tell May Peter’s still alive?”
Happy: “Sure. But let’s mess with him just a little longer first.”
Peter took a deep breath and collapsed dramatically onto the rooftop. He definitely did not have the energy to deal with Tony Stark today.
---
Protocol 3: “No Solo Patrol”
Peter was excitedly putting on his suit in his room, getting ready for a night of crime patrol. He muttered to himself, “Okay, Parker, be quiet this time. Nothing is going to go wrong. May’s still watching a movie in the kitchen. Sneak out, do your thing, sneak back in. Easy.”
But just as he was about to pull his mask on, Karen’s cheerful yet annoyingly chipper voice echoed:
“Authorization code required for exit.”
Peter frowned, then looked up at the ceiling and whispered, “Mr. Stark! My suit cannot be joking right now!”
A few seconds of awkward silence followed before his wrist communicator buzzed to life with the all-too-familiar, slightly smug voice of Tony Stark:
“Ah, the ‘No Solo Patrol’ protocol is active. The brilliant system that prevents you from doing solo hero work after 9 p.m. on school nights. Try saving the world during daylight hours next time.”
Peter threw his hands in the air dramatically. “You’ve got to be kidding me! What about crime? I have a responsibility!”
Tony’s voice took on a distinctly parental tone. “And I have a Peter. So I win.”
Peter collapsed to the floor in defeat. “This is so unfair!”
Right then, Karen chimed in again: “Would you like to initiate a debate with Tony Stark? (Yes/No)”
Peter rolled his eyes and sighed. “No…”
At that moment, Rhodey’s laughter echoed through the comms. “At least the kid’s learning to accept his fate.”
Tony’s voice was brimming with pride. “That’s major progress for me! Now go do your homework, young man.”
Peter angrily pulled off his mask. “I’m telling May about this.”
Tony replied with a chuckle: “May already knows. She called and specifically asked me to make sure you stayed in tonight. Then she said, ‘If Peter complains, I trust you can shut him down in under a minute.’ Looks like she was right.”
Peter paused, then stared hopelessly at the ceiling. “I’m literally being raised by two adults and they’re both so overbearing.”
Rhodey: “Well, at least we don’t have a third parent, right?”
Just then, Happy’s voice joined in: “Actually, I’m here too. And Peter, if you try to sneak out tonight, I’ll be the one putting you on the school bus bright and early tomorrow morning. Just thought you should know.”
Peter yanked the blanket over his head and muttered: “There’s no such thing as freedom in this house…”
---
Protocol 4: “Aunt May Alert”
Peter slowly opened his eyes in a hospital room after a rough fight. His head was throbbing slightly, but hey, at least he was alive. Just as he was starting to sit up, his phone lit up. He squinted at the screen—then his stomach dropped.
May Parker: PETER CALL ME RIGHT NOW.
Peter gulped, eyes wide. “Mr. Stark… what did you do?”
Tony, sitting comfortably in the chair next to his bed and sipping coffee, replied calmly, “Ah, I activated the ‘Aunt May Alert’. Every hospital visit now sends an instant notification to May. Genius, right?”
Peter looked at him in panic. “But why?!”
Tony shrugged. “Because my nerves are too fragile and you’re going to send me to an early grave. Also, May getting involved means I don’t have to parent as much. Win-win.”
Peter sat up, flailing. “Then why doesn’t Rhodey get the notification?! If someone has to visit me in the hospital, it should be Rhodey! He’s the logical one!”
Rhodey stood at the door, arms crossed, grinning. “Because if there’s one person Tony fears more than me, it’s Aunt May. And let’s be honest, Peter, her wrath is way scarier.”
Right at that moment, the hospital door flew open and May Parker stormed in like a hurricane. Her hair was wild, her eyes blazed with fury.
“PETER BENJAMIN PARKER! WHAT. DID. YOU. DO. THIS. TIME?!”
Peter collapsed back into the bed and whispered, “She’s going to kill me…”
Tony immediately leapt to his feet and bolted for the door. “And I’m going to survive this by running away! Rhodey, cover me!”
Rhodey laughed and waved. “Sorry, buddy, you’re on your own. Besides, May likes me. She won’t hurt me while I’m here.”
As Tony disappeared down the hall, he shouted, “Traitor! I’ll pray for you, Parker! Goodbye!”
May rolled her eyes at Tony’s escape before turning her full fury back on Peter. “Start talking, young man. Why are you in a hospital bed? And unless your answer is bulletproof, I swear—”
Peter ducked under the blanket and mumbled, “Even if it was bulletproof, I’d still be doomed…”
Rhodey smiled quietly and sat down in the corner chair. “This is going to be fun to watch.”
---
Protocol 5: “Superhero Lock”
Peter was gliding across the rooftops of New York late at night, doing his usual patrol. The cool night breeze and the city lights gave him a sense of peace, as always. But suddenly, his suit’s display blinked, and a warning message popped up.
Suit power at 10%
Sleep mode activating…
Peter frowned. “What?! Why is my suit shutting down?!”
Just then, that all-too-familiar, overly confident voice rang in his ear.
“Because it’s bedtime, Parker.”
Peter froze in place. “MR. STARK?! You’re behind this?!”
Tony’s voice continued, in a tone that sounded like he was casually shrugging.“I did it to stop my little Spider-Kid from roaming the city in the middle of the night. It’s for your health. Because guess who has school early in the morning?”
Peter groaned and put his hands on his head. “I’m not a kid!”
“Correct. You’re my Spider-Kid. And that’s why you need a bedtime.”
Peter tried to manually override the suit controls, but the system stubbornly stayed locked.“Mr. Stark! Seriously?! This is literally a superhero version of a child lock!”
Tony chuckled smugly. “Actually, it’s called the ‘Superhero Lock.’ You like it?”
Peter grumbled, shaking his glove. “I’m telling Pepper about this…”
Before the suit completely shut down, the automatic tower return protocol kicked in. Within minutes, Peter found himself standing in the living room of Stark Tower, his suit fully deactivated, leaving him in a bodysuit that looked more like pajamas.
In the living room, Tony, Pepper, and Happy were chatting. Peter stormed in, arms outstretched in frustration.
“This isn’t fair! Seriously, Mr. Stark? You teleported me to the living room with my suit still on?!”
Pepper raised an eyebrow. “Tony, is it true you forced Peter to go to bed?”
Peter quickly turned to her. “Ms. Potts! Please help me! Mr. Stark basically child-locked my suit!”
Tony stood confidently, arms crossed. “And with your consent, might I add.”
Pepper gave him a long look, then took a deep breath and shook her head. “This is exactly why you get decaf coffee at home.”
Tony squinted. “...What?”
Happy burst out laughing. “I did not know that!”
Peter tried not to laugh. “Did you hear that? Ms. Potts’ sweet revenge!”
Pepper smiled at Peter. “Think of it as Tony’s version of a ‘caffeine lock’—for his own good.”
Tony looked genuinely shocked. “Wait—so I’ve never had real coffee at home?! Not even once?!”
Pepper smiled sweetly. “All for your health, Tony.”
Peter collapsed onto the couch, laughing. “Now that’s justice!”
Tony sighed and looked at Peter. “Fine, fine. You don’t have to go to bed… but then you’ll have to sit through the rest of this conversation.”
Peter narrowed his eyes. “Hmm… You know what? I think I’ll go to bed after all.”
Pepper gave him an approving nod. “Smart kid.”
Tony muttered, shaking his head. “How did this turn into me losing my own plan?”
As Peter walked toward his room, he could still hear their laughter echoing behind him.
Being a superhero was hard—but winning against Tony Stark? Now that was priceless.
---
+1 Protocol: “Iron Dad Shield”
Tony was working in his lab when suddenly, the doors locked with a loud click. FRIDAY’s voice echoed through the room.
FRIDAY: “Mr. Parker has activated the Iron Dad Shield protocol.”
Tony frowned. “What?! No, no, no—this is my system! FRIDAY, listen to me! I give the commands!”
Tony: “Peter, why are the doors locked while I’m in the lab?!”
Peter: “Oh, I created a new protocol! It’s called the ‘Iron Dad Shield.’ If you don’t sleep, drink too much coffee, or overwork yourself, the lab locks down.”
Tony leaned back in his chair and groaned. “This… this is betrayal!”
Peter (laughing): “No, Mr. Stark, it’s love. If you don’t go to bed soon, I’m calling Happy.”
Right then, Happy’s voice chimed in.
Happy: (looking at his phone) “Uh, I just got a notification. ‘Emergency: Tony Stark refuses to sleep. Intervention required.’ Peter, what are you doing?”
Tony rolled his eyes. “PETER!”
Just then, Rhodey’s laughter echoed in the background.
Rhodey: “Peter, I love you so much. You know that, right?”
Peter: “I know! And Mr. Stark, I love you too—but you need to go to bed!”
Tony took a deep breath and buried his face in his hands. “I’m being taken down by my own system…”
Peter (grinning): “How does it feel to be sabotaged by your own invention, Mr. Stark?”
As Rhodey, Happy, and Peter all laughed hysterically, Tony groaned and slammed his head gently onto the desk “Why did I ever give this kid that much access?!”
Peter (proudly): “Because I’m awesome!”