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Family had always been a touchy subject for Buck. He rarely ever talked about his childhood let alone his parents. For as much as he wore his heart on his sleeve, that part of him always stayed buried, not for anyone else to see.
Having found a family at the 118 seemed to soothe all the sore parts of his younger self. Yet sometimes it still hurt underneath all those emotional scars when someone tore into them. That someone was usually his father, his mother or both of them at the same time.
Back then Buck only felt seen by his parents when he did something reckless. Many times, that had resulted in him getting injured. Now, that reckless behaviour had become part of his DNA.
It helped having put several thousand miles between him and them. If he wouldn’t see them everyday or talk to them every day they wouldn’t have a way of criticising him, of talking him down or making him feel unworthy.
Sometimes though, even without physically having them around to remind him of the failure he was, that feeling would make its way to the surface all by itself.
It could be a call gone wrong, a breakup that always felt like his fault or a certain look from one of his colleagues after he had done something stupid or reckless. It felt like being catapulted back to being 12 years old every single time.
The voice of his father would find its way into his ear, reminding him of all the flaws he possessed.
Usually when that happened, Buck would find himself at the same door. The door that belonged to the person Buck could always rely on, even when he felt like he didn’t deserve it. Even when he felt like he was a burden, a chore or a nuisance.
The door would open and the person behind the door would welcome him in, offer him a seat on his couch, beer in hand, ready to listen.
For some reason though, Buck always knew that it was just a matter of time before that door would close. The doors always closed for Buck. They would close when he had overstayed his welcome. They would close when he would say or do the wrong thing. It had always been like that.
Even Maddie’s door had closed, when she had thrown him the keys to her jeep and sent him away. Maddie who had pinkie-promised that it was both of them against the world. A united front. The Buckley siblings before anything else.
Back then Buck had thought: That’s it. He had finally driven away the last person that really loved him. Now he knew that wasn’t the case. Now he knew that Maddie had sent him away because she didn’t want to burden him with what was really happening in her marriage.
Funny how she didn’t want to burden him, when he was always doing it to other people.
Maddie was in LA, Maddie was with Chimney and everything seemed like it was finally falling into place. He could be happy for other people, even if he himself wasn’t. He could attend dinners and weird dates where he felt like the third-wheel as long as it meant that his friends were happy.
Buck had always been good at putting up a façade. Over the years it had come rather easy to him. Most of the time it felt like second nature.
So, when Maddie called, asking him to join her and Chimney for dinner, of course he had said yes. He had said thank you for the invitation and that he was looking forward to spending time with them.
He wouldn’t have said all of those things, had Maddie bothered to mention that their parents would be attending that very same dinner.
Chimney had been weird around Buck all week and when the doorbell rang just after he had poured them some water, he finally figured out why. The other man sent him an apologetic look, before watching Maddie get up and open the door to reveal Margaret and Phillip Buckley.
Buck felt like he was going to throw up. He blinked, cleared his throat and felt his pulse rise.
“Hey mom. Dad. Come in.” Maddie welcomed them, not meeting his eyes. Traitor, was what Buck wanted to scream. How could Maddie do this to him?
“You must be Howard!” Margaret exclaimed, rushing in to shake Chim’s hand. “I am, its nice to finally meet you Mrs. Buckley.” he answered, guiding them into the dining room.
“Evan.” His father said, sitting down at the table and Buck cringed. “Buck, everyone calls me Buck.” He answered. “Buck? You’re still having people call you by that silly nickname?” Phillip responded with a frown on his face. Buck would let it go. He would let it go for Chimney’s sake. His colleague had no idea what he had gotten himself into.
Dinner was going exactly the way he was expecting it to go:
Maddie tried to be the mediator.
Chim tried to make jokes to make things less awkward.
Buck tried everything in his power to not freak out.
Phillip Buckley was just about to criticize something else when the doorbell spared Buck from further embarrassment.
Buck recognized the voice before he even saw who was standing in the hallway. He would always recognize that voice. He would be able to tell it apart from a thousand other voices.
“Good evening, sorry. I was in the area and wanted to pay Chim here a visit.” Eddie announced, walking into the dining room and taking the chair next to Buck.
Buck could only shoot his best friend a very confused look before his father’s voice piped up.
“Chim?” Mister Buckley asked, looking around the room. “Oh, that would be me. Seems like Buck isn’t the only one with a silly nickname. Huh.” Chimney exclaimed, causing Maddie to wince. She knew her parents wouldn’t like that.
“Sorry but, who are you?” this time it was Margaret asking the question, looking directly at Eddie.
“Eddie works with us at the fire station.” Buck quickly explained, not wanting to comment further on it. “I see. Maddie, I thought this was a family dinner?” his mother urged, clearly not amused by the interruption. “I’m very sorry for the intrusion. I had no idea you had guests.” Eddie politely commented. Buck could instantly tell that he was lying. He watched Eddie and Maddie quickly exchange a look that seemed to go unnoticed by everyone else.
“Well, since you’re already here Eddie, why don’t I get you a plate?” Maddie persisted, already making her way into the kitchen.
By the look of his parents, Buck knew that they didn’t agree with his sister’s announcement. For some reason though, they seemed to let the issue go for once and Buck didn’t want to question it. Truth be told, he had already calmed down with Eddie here.
Dinner miraculously went by without any major incident and Buck was finally breathing almost normally. His leg had stopped bouncing nervously under the table and it seemed like he would survive the evening without having to call his therapist for an emergency meeting.
Eddie had managed to impress his parents with his usual charming nature. He even managed to get a compliment out of Buckley senior when Chimney had mentioned that Eddie used to serve in the military.
Everything seemed to be okay. Still slightly awkward but better than expected.
That was until Margaret Buckley brought over a brown, wooden box and placed it in front of Maddie.
Maddie inspected the box that was spelling out her name in brown lettering and carefully opened it. “It’s your baby box.” Margaret explained, beaming at her daughter.
“It has all of your childhood memories. Your first shoes, pictures, drawings you used to do in Kindergarten and such.” She further added.
“Wow, Mom that is beautiful.” Maddie whispered, gently pulling out a pair if tiny white shoes.
Buck had no idea that his parents would be capable of such sentiment.
“Oh, this is cool. I didn’t know you made these for us. When do I get mine?” Buck asked naively, looking at his parents expectantly. By the way his parents looked at Buck, everyone at the table instantly understood that the Buckley’s had never made a baby box for Buck.
Buck tried his very best to quickly pull his façade back up. To be happy for Maddie and make the others think, that it wasn’t a big deal to him. Eddie on the other hand, didn’t seem to be able to let this one slide.
“You didn’t make one for Buck?” he questioned, his voice laced with disgust. The Buckley’s were instantly offended by the tone the stranger that had invited himself for dinner dared to address them with. Yet, before they could say anything, Eddie continued. “That’s just wrong. You can’t just make one for one of your children and completely disregard the other one. No offense Maddie. What were you thinking giving this to her right in front of Buck? Did you not think that it would hurt him? I mean, who does that? I am a father myself and I would never in a million years do that to my child.” Eddie expressed with such anger that Bucks heart began to race.
“It’s fine Eddie, you don’t have t-…” Buck began, looking at his hands but his father interrupted him yet again.
“Who do you think you are? Talking to us like that? You come in here and start yelling at us? You have no right to even be here!” Mister Buckley exclaimed, with a bang of his hand against the table that made Buck jump.
“No right? Who do YOU think you are? I have been sitting here all evening, having to listen to you and your wife talk about Buck like he was nothing more than dirt underneath your boots. You don’t even know your own son! He is an amazing firefighter, person and an even better friend. He cares deeply about his friends and risks his life daily to save others and you sit here and don’t have one nice word to say about him? My son worships the ground his Buck walks on and Buck is the best role-model a kid could ask for. You keep going on and on about what a disappointment he is and he sits here and takes it all with a grace I could never even muster. I thought my parents were difficult but my god! No wonder he is in therapy! I would be too!” Eddie finished, his voice filled with emotion and Buck felt like he was about to cry.
No one had ever stood up for him like that in front of his parents. No one had ever dared.
Maddie and Chimney both looked like they had forgotten how to breath. Maddie’s eyes were red, tears already forming in her eyes, which she quickly tried to wipe away.
“Of course you are in therapy, that was inevitable.” Was the only thing Phillip Buckley managed to say after Eddies entire speech.
That was it. That was the final straw for Buck. There was no way he would be able to hold back now. Eddie’s outburst had fuelled his confidence and he didn’t care about trying to survive the evening without causing a scene.
“Oh! You wanna know why I’m really in therapy? It is because I have spent my entire life feeling like a constant disappointment. And you wanna talk about our jobs? You think my job is dangerous? I have walked through fire every single day of my life because of you! That is why I’m in therapy! Because nothing I ever did was good enough for you!” Buck yelled, his face red and his voice close to breaking.
Buck looked at Eddie, trying to ground himself, like he always did but this time it didn’t work because Eddie didn’t look calm. Eddie looked just as furious as he did.
“We tried!” Phillip tried to explain himself, his wife was crying next to him. “You never made it easy on us. Either one of you.” She added, looking at Buck, then Maddie.
Maddie finally seemed to be able to speak again. “We were supposed to? We were kids.” She quietly pleaded but Margaret just huffed. She wiped her face and looked back at Buck who was standing, gripping the chair so tightly that his knuckles were white as a sheet.
“Evan. I don’t know what you expected us to do!” Margaret exclaimed, louder this time.
Bucks entire demeanour changed. He seemed to crumble. He wasn’t able to hide behind a wall anymore. This time, his emotions were raw and he bared them for everyone in the room to see. He let out a defeated breath before looking up again.
“Love me anyway.” He said, his voice completely broken now before turning around and heading out of the apartment without another word.
Eddie watched both of the elder Buckley’s throw their hands up in despair like they were the victims. It was enough for him to push his chair back loudly and get up.
“You two should be ashamed of yourself! You have no idea what an amazing person your son is! Come to think of it, I cannot fathom how Maddie and Buck have both turned into kind, loving people when they had to deal with the likes of you!” Eddie yelled, not giving a fuck what anyone in the room thought about him. He let out a breath, trying to calm down a little before turning to Maddie and Chim.
“I am really sorry for ruining the evening. I gotta go.” He added quietly, before running after Buck and letting the door slam behind him.
He rushed through the hallway and down the stairs before reaching the street. He looked left, then right and his eyes finally landed on Buck who was about to turn the corner. “Buck!” Eddie yelled, hurrying along the pavement but Buck ignored him. He called for him again before letting out a sigh. “Evan!” he called this time and Buck stopped so quickly he nearly fell over.
Eddie closes the last meters between them and pulls a crying Buck into his arms without a word. Buck’s arms instantly find their way around Eddie and Buck holds on so tight Eddie fears his ribs will cave in.
Buck sobs into Eddie’s shoulder and the sound alone is enough to shatter his heart. He’s sure he wouldn’t survive seeing Buck’s face right now, so he just cradles his head, softly stroking his hair.
“I-I’m sorry you had to see that.” Buck whispers but Eddie shushes him. “No Buck. There is absolutely no need for you to apologize! You did nothing wrong, you hear me?” he insists and Buck can only nod his head.
After what felt like hours, Eddie pulls out of the hug, but his hand doesn’t leave Buck’s waist. “Let’s go.” He commands and Buck finally looks at him. “Where are we going?” the taller man asks and Eddie smiles. “We’re going home.” is the only answer he gives, before leading Buck to his car and driving off.
They drove for a while and Buck was so deep in his thoughts, that he didn’t notice them stopping in front of the Diaz residence. “Home?” Buck asks slowly, getting out of the car.
“Yes, home. You didn’t think I’d let you be alone after all of that shit, did you?” Eddie declared, taking a few steps towards his house.
“I don’t know. I-I just… I would’ve understood if you did. You’re under no obligation to look after me.” Buck responds, nervously fidgeting with his hands in the endearing way he always does.
Eddie turns back and grabs one of Bucks hands, searching for his eyes, not looking away until Buck finally looked back at him.
“Buck I… I can’t believe that after all of these years you still think I’m helping you because I feel obligated to. I don’t! This – you… you’re not a chore to me! I’m not helping you because I HAVE to. I’m helping you because I care about you! I care about you so much that it took every last ounce of willpower to not flip the table back there. They don’t know you. They don’t have a right to know you. You are so much more than what they think you are! You are kind and smart and yes you do tend to get us into stupid a-and reckless situations sometimes and manage to ramble on about god knows what but that’s part of what makes you Buck! It’ s what makes me love you and I-…” Eddie blurts out but stops himself when he realises what he had just said.
Buck just stands there and stares at his partner. At his best friend with wide, watery eyes and neither of them is able to speak.
Suddenly, Buck seems to regain movement over his body because he leaps forward, grabs Eddie by his shirt and kisses him so suddenly that it knocks the air right out of Eddie’s lungs.
They get knocked back a few steps but Eddie manages to stabilize them.
It takes Eddie’s brain a few seconds to catch up, before his hands find their way into Buck’s hair and he kisses him back just as passionately.
All of a sudden, everything makes sense to Eddie. Everything makes sense to Buck.
This was what they have both been missing in other relationships. It had been right in front of their eyes and deep down they had known but never dared to act on it.
When they break apart, they both gasp for air. Eyes wide, pupils blown, lips red and swollen.
Eddie is the first to speak. “Get inside.” he orders and Buck is just able to close the door behind them when Eddie is the one that initiates the kiss.
This one is less desperate. It’s soft and gentle and Eddie pours every single ounce of love and care he has into it, hoping Buck would understand.
And because they are Buck and Eddie, they don’t need words or big confessions. Buck understands exactly what Eddie is trying to convey, as he is doing exactly the same thing.
They pull apart for a second time and Buck closes his eyes. “Is this real? This is not just some kind of distraction technique to get my mind of what happened tonight, is it?” he reassures himself, scared of it all just fading away in a second.
“Its real Buck. This – us – its always been real. I’m sorry it has taken me this long to realise. You were right earlier. They should’ve loved you anyway. And I know it’s not the same…but I do. There is nothing you could ever say or do that would change that. I’ll love you anyway.” Eddie finally confesses as he leans forward to wipe the tears off of Bucks face.
Buck is completely overcome with emotion. No one has ever stood up for him like this. No one has ever said anything like that to him.
“I love you too, Eddie. I have for a long time but I never thought I’d deserve it. Deserved you.” Buck says, his hands trembling.
“You do. You deserve everything.” Eddie answers matter of fact as he leads Buck to the sofa.
He opens his mouth to say something, but the ringing of his phone stops him. He quickly pulls it out of his pocket and after looking at the caller ID, answers it.
“Yes, he’s here. No, he’s obviously not fine but he’ll be okay. I’ve got him. I will. Bye.” Buck listens to Eddie’s calm, assertive voice before watching him hang up the phone.
Buck doesn’t have to ask, he knows its Maddie that had called.
“Wait here.” Eddie says, squeezing Buck’s hand before disappearing into the hallway. After a minute or so, Eddie reappiers, holding a shoe box.
Buck raises an eyebrow in confusion, but Eddie just places the box into his lap.
“What’s this?” he asks and Eddie smiles. “Open it.” he offers and Buck does just that.
Buck’s eyes go wide as he looks into a box filled with pictures Christopher has drawn for him. Most of them involving the three of them. There’s photographs of Chris and Buck at the Zoo, the three of them in the park, swimming or playing X-Box on the very couch they’re currently sitting on.
Buck finds admission tickets for the cinema, the theme park and the aquarium. All of them neatly held together by a paper clip.
Buck looks up, his eyes filled with tears as they meet Eddie’s.
“You matter to people Buck. You might not have a baby box but you do have a box filled with memories. One day it will overflow and we’ll have to start a new one.” Eddie reassures him and Buck lets out a sob.
“I can’t believe you’ve kept all of this. Who knew you were such a romantic?” Buck mumbles, causing Eddie to blush. “You really are a wonder Eddie Diaz.” Buck adds, only making Eddie blush harder.
Buck puts the box on the table and leans forward, pressing his forehead against Eddie’s. “You are the wonder Evan Buckley and I’m sorry your parents have made you feel like anything less than that.” Eddie whispers gently.
His fingers find their way into Buck’s hair again and get tangled in the short curls in the nape of Buck’s neck.
Buck brings one of his hands up and softly places it on Eddie’s cheek. “I can’t believe this is happening.” Buck confesses with a smile that stretches across his entire face.
“It’s about time, don’t you think?” Eddie answers, matching his smile before leaning in to kiss him again.
Yes, Buck thinks. It is about time.