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The night spilled through the windows, stilling the air, those crisp cold sheets rustled as he turned his body away from you.
Even a clear night in this twilight zone, couldn't calm the tension between you two.
He let out a tired breath, he sounded like he craved some rest but knew he wouldn't get any tonight, you turned and saw that large muscled back. The one that felt so warm, firm, inviting; the back of the man that was practically your cacoon was now shielding himself from you.
He let out a small groan, if he knew you were awake he was letting you know he was bothered, but knowing Caleb he wouldn't push it, he'd wait it out and let the issue go, better to keep the peace with you and keep you happy at his side than risk another argument and have you leave him.
You traced his spine, and he shivered, your fingers lifted, ready to pull back after making your move but his arm reached back and grabbed your wrist. You felt the pull to him, your body closer to his, and he put your arm around his waist.
He pressed a soft kiss to your knuckles. His lips were warm and dry but firm on your hand, he didn't want to fight anymore.
.
.
.
.
"What would it have looked like..." your words echoed in his barren room, just the essentials, you almost wondered why you both slept in here at all, all the semblance of human activity remained in your room, but you supposed wherever Caleb was you followed.
"...you don't let anything go, my fault really, letting you get your own way all the time." He sounded exhausted, you knew he didn't want to talk about it, but you couldn't stop poking at it.
It wasn't your fault and it wasn't even his fault and yet here you both were, feelings hurt, a distance between you and confusion muddling everything up again.
You really were innocent, when your coworker invited you to be in her wedding party and insisted all her bridesmaids try on at least one wedding dress for fun.
It was nothing but a fun bonding activity, and when you posted a picture of yourself in the dress on moments with the title 'where's my groom' it was just fun.
When you got a reply from Zayne saying you'd make a beautiful bride, that was nothing.
And yet when you showed Caleb the post and asked why he didn't like it or comment and he grunted in response, focusing more on that nights dinner you couldn't stop the endless questions.
Didn't he think you looked lovely?
"yes, yes, so beautiful pipsqueak."
Didn't he wonder who would sweep his precious Meimei off her feet?
"Pass the Pepper."
Was the caption not obvious enough, why didn't he reply with his usual cheesy-Ness?
"can you set the table pips?"
Maybe I should ask Zayne to be the groom, he actually replied.
"..."
Stop ignoring me.
"..."
I bet Zayne would be so delighted to see me walk down the aisle and be his bride.
"... Fine ask him then."
Oh so you're too good to be my husband.
"Didn't say that."
Why don't you want to marry me?
He sighed, "when you're acting like a child why would I?"
You didn't talk for the rest of dinner, you didn't say anything the rest of the night but you climbed into his bed.
.
.
.
"I imagined it a lot, back then you know," he paused as you pulled your body closer to him. "I knew I'd walk you down the aisle and you'd look beautiful, you looked beautiful in the wedding dress now."
You pressed your temple to his back and felt his body rise and fall.
"we'd be surrounded by everyone who loves you, and as we walk down that aisle, well I'd think about keeping it together."
His fingers softly stroked your hands, as you wrapped your body around him, giving him the shield to continue.
"and during that whole time I would be thinking about how I would be letting you go, giving you up to some guy, some guy who loves you not nearly enough and doesn't deserve you but I'd have to be okay with it. The whole time we'd walk down the aisle it would be you letting go of your old life and leaving me behind, and I'm just giving you away. "
" why can't you be the one waiting to receive me, didn't you want that? " you broke.
" back then it didn't matter what I wanted, I was just the barking dog to keep eveyone away, I couldn't imagine to have you. "
" And now? "
His voice cracks
" And now I'm the chained dog who tries to bark and bite and still can't have you."
you still, you feel cold, and the room is too dark, he's right in front of you and yet you can't even see him. You feel so scared to speak.
" Then what are we doing, what have we been doing? "
He barely let's you get the answer out,
" we're indulging each other, I finally can give you almost everything you want and I will always do that, but what life can I promise you with marriage. I never would have been okay with you marrying anyone, I would have cried probably got drunk, I definitely would have silently recited the vows, but I never would have been okay with it. I love you so much that before I could have let you go, and now I love you so much that I can't let you go but I can't give into all your desires no matter how badly I want to. "
He turns, and the mattress dents, sliding you even closer to him, he's warm, that cacoon envelopes you. His fingers press into your back, he's holding you tight and steadfast, giving you no chance to slip away.
" you told me to be realistic with my promises, If it was the old me, I would have promised to be your groom, but I can't. Not yet at least." you feel his face nuzzle your, his breath sweeps across your face and lift your lashes slightly.
"then I'll keep asking until the day you can."