Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The doorbell rang. Who the fuck rang the Matthew’s doorbell at fucking one AM?

Natalie Scatorccio, that’s who.

When Lottie opened the door she had to keep herself from gasping. Nat didn’t normally look the most put together, but it was clear this wasn’t just the result of a midnight smoke session.

There was blood all over her face. A busted lip, a bloody handprint on her jaw, some random smears of blood across her cheeks and bloody, muddy hair. On top of that her left eye was slowly starting to bruise.

“Fuck. Uhm, come in?” Lottie said. She tried to sound assuring, but it ended up coming out as more of a question. She opened the door to let the other girl in.

Natalie was clearly trying her hardest not to touch anything, scared of ruining some expensive ass piece of decoration.

“Okay, Nat, hey, hi. Shit, sorry. Hi Nat” Lottie was already starting to ramble. Why couldn’t she just talk normally? One of her teammates was standing on her doorstep at midnight, a very specific teammate. That’s why.

“Do you want any clothes?” Lottie tried, motioning to Nat’s dirty clothes, also blood stained.

Nat nodded, so Lottie put out her hand to drag Nat to her room. It didn’t occur to her that she should let Nat initiate any contact until the other girl visibly flinched.

“Shit, sorry. I’m not gonna hurt you, you’re safe here, I promise. I have clean clothes in my room if you want. They may be a bit too big, but it’ll be fine,” Lottie rambled again. She didn’t really know how to deal with this. Her usuals crowd didn’t consist of the types of people that would show up at your home at midnight.

Nat nodded again, keeping quiet.

Lottie led them to their room, digging through her closet for a random sweat set.

She turned away as Nat changed. She’d done this with Jackie so many times, but the context was so extremely different and she didn’t know what Nat would be okay with.

She could see Nat was waiting to say something.

“Thanks Lot,” was the only thing that came out. Lottie’s stomach turned at the nickname, only her ex’s ever called her that.

“It’s fine. I did think there was a burglar for a second, but honestly, close enough,” Lottie said, only realizing the boundaries she may have crossed after she said it. Fuck.

Nat laughed. Or well, it was more of a fast exhale, but Lottie took it as a sign she didn’t go too far.

They stayed quiet for a while, both still standing in the middle of Lottie’s room. Nat because she was too scared to sit down anywhere in Lottie’s perfect little princess room and Lottie because she was still kinda in shock.

Lottie slowly walked over to Nat. “Can I touch you?” She asked, waiting for some kind of confirmation. Nat mumbled something close to a yes so Lottie reached out to touch her cheek.

She slowly dragged her fingers over Natalie’s cheek, moving up to her under eye. She could see the dried tear streaks going down Nat’s face, mixing with the dried blood. It was kinda like a fucking up truama smoothie.

Lottie could guess what had happened, but she desperately hoped it wasn’t what she thought. Everybody knew Nat’s home life was not great, to put it softly, but nobody really knew how bad it was. Sure, there were rumors about it, but there were also rumors saying Nat was actually a Russian spy.

Lottie kept trying to slowly clean Nat’s face, getting some soaked paper towels to help her.

“My dad’s dead,” Nat mumbled. If Lottie hadn’t been only a few inches away from her face she wouldn’t have even heard it.

Her hand stopped brushing over Nat’s face, slowly dropping to her side. She could see new tears form in Nat’s eyes.

“Blew his brains out,” Nat scoffed, voice breaking at the end of the sentence. She sounded relieved, mad and extremely fucking broken all at once and it broke Lottie’s heart.

She felt guilty for all the times she complained about her life. Yes, she knew you shouldn’t compare yourself and everybody fights different battles, but one of her teammates was actively being abused.

“I’m sorry,” Lottie breathed into Nat’s ear, making her flinch again. She had to stop doing that.

Nat sat down carefully, so Lottie slowly and deliberately took her hand to ground her. With one hand on Nat’s hand she started using the other hand to slowly rub Nat’s back.

That seemed to be the last straw, as Nat seemed to unravel at the seams, falling apart. Her body slouched as the tears started falling again. She could hear Nat’s wet sniffles beside her.

“I’m sorry I came to bother you at fucking midnight. We never talk, but I didn’t know who else to go to. I tried Van, but she wasn’t home. I knew Kevin and Rich were probably passed out drunk and I couldn’t go to anybody else on the team about this, they wouldn’t really help. You just felt safe or something, fuck, I don’t know,” Nat was panicking, while trying desperately to explain why she was even here.

“I, uhm, I trust you. I don’t even really know you, but I feel like you never really judged me too harshly and you seem like you can keep a secret,” Nat continued. Lottie kept rubbing her back, which seemed to kind of calm her down.

“I mean, you did laugh when one of your lackys called me a ‘perverted lesbo’, but you’ve never really spread any rumors about me, as far as I know. That’s better then the average douchebag in this fucking town,” Nat went on.

Lottie felt her stomach twist uncomfortable as the words fell from Nat’s lips. She tried to think back to when she would’ve ever done that, but her mind came up blank.

“Did I do that? I’m so sorry,” Lottie said, quietly.

Nat nodded. “Yeah, figures you forgot. I know you, hopefully, didn’t really mean anything by it, but it kinda hurt,”

She could feel the way Nat’s breathing sped up, her back curving against Lottie’s hand.

“Especially since it’s true,” Nat mumbled.

Lottie’s heartbeat sped up, matching Nat’s. Did Nat just come out to her? Why the fuck was she getting so excited about this? She shouldn’t even think like this. Shit, now she was taking too long to respond.

She felt Nat’s body sagging underneath the hand that was still on her back.

“Wait sorry. I was just processing. You’re okay, you’re good,” Lottie tried to comfort again.

“I’m sorry for dumping this all on you, I shouldn’t have come,” Nat started to get up, but Lottie caught her by her pant leg.

The force of Nat’s leg stepping forward nearly caused Lottie to roll off of the bed, which in turn caused Nat to giggle.

Lottie’s heart skipped a beat. The way Nat’s nose scrunched up when she was smiling, the curve of her lips, her insane cheekbones, her dimples. And now she was staring.

Fuck.

She could not be thinking things like this about Nat. About a girl.

“Nat. I know you’re a bitch, but waking me up being all like ‘my dads gone and I’m gay ’ and then LEAVING, that’s mean,” Lottie grinned. She knew Nat used humor to cope, so she hoped it would help.

“The accent was unneeded, fuck you,” Nat said, but Lottie could clearly hear the smile in her voice.

Before she even realized it Nat was back beside her on the bed.

“Do you maybe wanna talk about it?” Lottie asked carefully.

“About being Italian, being gay or having a dead dad?” Nat asked, still smiling slightly.

“Being Italian. It must be traumatic,” Lottie played along, causing Nat to snort.

“Go fuck yourself,”

“You want to see me fuck myself? Perv,”

There she went again. She should really think before letting things fall out of her brain.

“Fuck, sorry. That was out of l-“ Lottie started, but got cut off.

“Nah, you’re fine. It was funny,” Nat interrupted.

Lottie exhaled.

They sat in silence for a bit. At some point Lottie laid down on her bed and motioned for Nat to do the same. She hesitated, but ended up plopping down next to her. When the other girl laid next to her Lottie caught some of her scent, it was mostly alcohol and smoke with some slight vanilla undertones. 

Nat’s signature scent always smelled like it was curated specifically to smell cheap, but for some reason it still smelled so fucking good on her. Lottie wouldn’t complain if she would forever smell Nat’s scent.

“He was beating my mom, so I got the gun and pointed it at him,” Nat suddenly started talking.

“I know everybody thinks I’m some unbreakable freak, but I was scared. I was so scared. He’s a fucking monster, but he’s still my dad, you know?” Nat continued. Lottie knew it was a rhetorical question, but she nodded anyway.

“I didn’t want to pull the trigger, but I did. The safety was on. I can’t even manage to properly fuck things up, wow. Of course he started cussing me out, he took the gun and went outside. Told me I was even more useless then my mom, so I told him he was the fucking useless one—” Nat stopped. Lottie could see the slight tremble of her bottom lip and her heart ached, so she put her hand on her shoulder, which seemed to help slightly.

“He…he turned back. I thought he was gonna shoot me, didn’t even really care, honestly. But no, he tripped and…and he,” Nat choked on her own words. More shoulder rubbing.

“He accidentally pulled the trigger. Shot himself in the head. He was so fucking stupid. I guess we’re pretty similar,” Nat let out a sour chuckle.

“You’re not stupid,” Lottie mumbled. She knew Nat didn’t believe her, but she still needed to say it.

“So now he’s dead and it’s my fault,” Nat finished.

Lottie knew she should say something, tell her it wasn’t her fault, but she couldn’t get the words out. Instead she rolled over and put her arm around Nat’s waist. They laid like that for what felt like an hour, but was probably closer to a few minutes.

“Do you wanna do anything? Maybe it’ll distract you,” Lottie suddenly offered. She was thinking about going to get food or like watching a movie, so what Nat answered surprised her.

“Fuck this. I really wanna cut my hair, do you have any scissors?” Nat asked, rolling around to face Lottie.

Lottie’s eyes widened. From the shock of Nat’s request, but also from the fact that they were barely 30 centimeters apart.

She could see every detail on Nat’s face. The way her eyebrows scrunched in a questioning motion, her dry lips with blood still smeared over them, the smudged eyeliner under her eyes, the slight dimple on her chin, her almost steel colored eyes.

She should not be staring at her like this.

“You’re staring,” Nat said, voice still raspy from screaming.

Lottie shivered. She knew Nat’s voice was deep, she’d seen the girl being bullied for it as well, which she now felt guilty for ignoring. She didn’t realize what it did to her.

It. was. hot.

“Yeah. Uuhm,” she chuckled awkwardly. “Sorry, I didn’t realize. Yeah, I have scissors,” she replied to the previous question.

She quickly shot up with the excuse of getting the scissors. She had to get a bit of space to stop herself from spiraling.

“Be right back,” she shot over her shoulder, before closing the door.

Breathe.

Chapter Text

As soon as she was out the door her legs buckled, she sank down against the wall to make sure she didn’t fall over and hit her head.

She was panicking. She had always found Nat pretty, obviously. Yeah, maybe she stared at her in the locker room. Maybe she had always wanted to be friends with her, but was too scared to do anything about it. But that was just cus she thought Nat was cool.

She shakily took a few breaths, her heart calming down slightly.

Right, scissors. She could do that.

Just ignore whatever the fuck was happening right now for as long as possible, or at least until she was alone again.

She quickly ran down the stairs to get the kitchen scissors, not wanting Nat to wonder why it took so long.

When she got back upstairs she was extremely out of breath, but whatever.

“We only had these, I hope that’s okay,” she wheezed, still slightly dizzy.

Nat carefully took the scissors, her fingers touching Lottie’s as she did.

Lottie tried her very best to ignore it, friends, or well, teammates did this stuff all the time. Little touches, that was normal. But goddamnit Nat’s skin was soft.

Focus Lottie.

She turned over the scissors in her hand a few times, pretending to inspect it.

“It looks a tad dull, but I can work with it,” Nat said, badly imitating a British accent.

She snipped the scissors, pretending to cut the air with a very cute smirk on her face.

“Ah, such a lovely sound,” she continued, imitating the accent again.

“Girl, just take the damn scissors and come with me,” Lottie said, carefully reaching out her hand. Offering Nat to take it, which she did.

Nat’s hand was warm, surprisingly. She always imagined Nat to be cold for some reason.

Lottie dragged Nat down the long hallway to get to one of the bathrooms.

“Your house is fucking massive,” Nat commented as they walked past the third artwork hanging on their walls.

When they finally reached the bathroom Lottie dramatically opened the door, revealing the bathroom.

“Ladies first,” she joked, doing a faugh bow.

Nat chuckled, walking into the bathroom.

“You know you’re insane right? Who cuts their hair with kitchen scissors?” Lottie asked.

“Literally everyone, dude. Also, you didn’t have actual hair scissors. That’s not my fault,” Nat retorted.

Lottie had to accept Nat was right, nodding her head in defeat.

“Okay, but what’s the plan? Do we have a plan or are you just gonna hack your hair away?” Lottie said, sounding slightly panicked.

“The latter, but it’s not even your hair. I’ll be okay,” Nat replied, already flipping her head to tie her head into a high ponytail.

She took the scissors to her hair in a way that would probably send any hairdresser into a coma, but Lottie trusted Nat, kind of.

As the dark hair fell into Lottie’s expensive porcelain sink, she decided to sit down.

The side of the bath probably wasn’t the best option, as it aggressively cut into her ass, but being there for Nat was worth it.

Lottie had to idea why, how or when Nat decided this was a good idea, she also didn’t know if it would even turn out okay, but Nat wanted to do it, so she accepted it.

Lottie could feel herself starting to stare. The way Nat confidently handled the scissors made her feel some type of way. How did people trust themselves to cut their own hair? She would be terrified, but Nat didn’t even really seem to care.

When Nat went to undo the now significantly shorter ponytail Lottie caught a flash of her biceps.

Ah fuck.

Of course she had muscles. Why not, right?

The hair fell down into a comedically fluffy mushroom type of cut.

Nat sighed. Running her hand through her hair to calm it down. She scrunched the sides of her hair a bit, turning sideways to inspect the newly cut layers.

“What do you think?” Nat asked, turning around to face Lottie again.

If Lottie was honest, she really liked it, but Nat’s face seemed to indicate that wasn’t the right answer.

“It looks good, bangs maybe?” Lottie suggested.

“Fuck it,” Nat replied, turning around again to face the mirror.

Lottie suddenly realized how crazy this all was. Natalie’s dad was dead, she was at Lottie fucking Mathew’s house, she was impulsively cutting bangs in Lottie’s bathroom mirror and Lottie was staring at Nat in a way that would be offensive to feminism.

They sat like that for a while, Nat slowly fixing up the semi curtain bangs, semi actual bangs she just cut while Lottie was just adjusting her sitting position every once in a while so she didn’t absolutely ruin her back.

When Nat turned around again Lottie had to manually keep her jaw in place. She wasn’t one for haircuts really, she just got a trim every blue moon, but she had to admit that Nat’s hair was definitely hot.

“It needs more layers,” Nat criticized as she looked in the mirror again.

She ruffled her hair a little before grabbing a seemingly random piece from the side of her head and cutting it downwards. Lottie had no idea what was happening, but she liked it.

Nat kept going like that for a while, just grabbing random pieces and chopping them off. Her hair was slowly turning messier and messier, but it fit her.

“You know what it needs? Bleach,” Nat said, still facing the mirror.

Lottie thought she was joking for like a full 30 seconds. When she finally realized Nat was serious, she had to do a double take.

“You’re crazy,” she ended up saying.

“I know,”

Lottie really tried to stand her ground, but she couldn’t resist Nat’s weird alcoholic charm.

“My dad is dead. I think I deserve the bleach,” Nat argued.

“You can’t use the dead parent card on me, mine are never even here,” Lottie gaped.

The way Nat looked at her made her heart melt. She looked so empathetic, like she actually cared, contrary to the people she called her ‘friends’.

“I’m sorry. That sucks,” she said eventually. If literally anybody else said that it would’ve sounded backhanded, but Nat managed to make it sound sweet.

“Eh. Yours are worse, but it still sucks. I don't think they actually love me,” Lottie said, trying her best to keep her voice steady. She really needed someone to talk to, but Nat had just seen her dad get shot in the head.

“Well that’s something we have in common,” Nat joked.

So yeah, that’s how Lottie ended up at the convenience store at 2 AM to buy bleach.

___________

“I like it,” Lottie whispered into the air.

If she didn’t know better, she would’ve sworn Nat blushed.

“Thanks,” Nat said as she scrunched her hair in the mirror again.

Her formerly chest length hair had been cut up to just under her collarbone with a shit ton of layers and a shit ton of bleach, but it looked so good on her.

Lottie had to keep herself from staring. She didn’t even really know Nat like that, well, she did, that’s the problem.

She liked to tell herself she wasn’t really close to anybody on the team, except for maybe Laura Lee, but in reality she was probably friends, or something close, with most of them.

Even though Lottie and Nat didn’t talk that much, they did have a shared understanding of their sport. Which was enough.

The concerned checking up on each other when one of them fell, the almost cult-like connection all of them had when they were on the field. It was a shared passion.

So yeah, she could probably call herself and the team friends, but still, she should not be staring at Nat like this. She couldn’t help it though, she was never able to help it.

She’d felt a special pull towards Nat ever since the other girl moved here. She’d never actually acted on it, way too intimidated by Nat’s ‘I-don’t-give-a-fuck’ energy to even approach her, but she’d always observed from afar.

But now Nat was here and she needed her support. For Lottie that would’ve been talking until late into the night with ice cream, but for Nat it was apparently fucking up her hair.

She honestly could’ve guessed. She didn’t really see Nat as the talking about her feelings type, at least not to people she didn’t know too well.

And Lottie knew the 10 feet walls she put up were there for a reason, so she tried to accept it.

“Do you want ice cream?” She asked anyway. It was worth a try.

“Actually, I’d love that,”

A few minutes later they were sitting in Lottie’s oversized bed with caramel ice cream and some 70s horror film on the TV, Nat’s choice of course.

“Why do you like this stuff?” Lottie asked in between scenes of the possessed main character.

“Why do you not?” Nat answered. A shitty answer, but whatever.

Whenever Lottie was too scared to look she would turn her body towards Nat’s, putting her hands in front of her eyes.

The longer the movie went on, the closer the two moved together. At first Lottie didn’t even notice, but when Lottie could start to smell Nat’s smoke scent again she realized how close they were.

At a particularly bad jumpscare Lottie accidentally buried her head and Nat’s neck.

She froze. Nat was gonna pull away. 

She didn’t. 

Instead she just put her hand on Lottie's head and started rubbing soothing circles in her hair.

Lottie’s body instantly relaxed. Nat’s skin was so soft and she smelled so good. Lottie wanted to bite her.

What the fuck was that.

Lottie was not a vampire.

They continued the movie like this, Lottie head laying on Nat’s shoulder, occasionally turning away when she got too scared.

Lottie was enjoying this way more than the activities her ‘friends’ always did. She didn’t understand how anybody could choose some fancy dinner over a movie night with this girl, that, did she mention was actually pretty cool?

__________

When Lottie woke up the next morning she was weirdly comfortable. Her cushion was warmer than normal and her hand was holding something that definitely wasn’t her stuffie. Her eyes shot open the moment she felt her “cushion” breathe.

Her head was laying on Nat’s stomach and her hand was holding Nat’s. Apparently Nat’s shirt had risen up during the night, because Lottie could feel the warm skin on her cheek.

Lottie’s breath hitched.

Had they fallen asleep like this? She couldn’t remember. All she knew what that she was currently laying in a certainly comfortable, but also very compromising position.

She quickly undid her fingers from Nat’s, wincing slightly when she felt the cold metal of Nat’s rings sliding against her fingers.

“Hey Nat. Wake up,” Lottie tried to wake Nat up.

Nothing.

She carefully grabbed her shoulder and started shaking her.

“Nat school starts like right no-,” she started talking the moment Nat shot awake.

Lottie could feel Nat’s shoulder tense under her fingers and she saw the slight flash of panic in her eyes before she realized where she was.

“Fuck I’m sorry I scared you,” Lottie apologized.

“It’s fine. Just not used to being touched in a way that doesn’t end in bruises or orgasms,” Nat said. Another attempt at trying to disguise her pain with humor.

Lottie really wanted to say something about how fucked up that was, but she knew Nat would probably get defensive about it, she she shut her mouth.

“But seriously, we need to get to school,” Lottie told her.

They spend the next ten minutes quickly dressing and desperately attempting to get their hair and makeup to look something close to decent.

It took Lottie close to a minute to convince Nat that she wanted to drive her to school and that she wouldn’t let her be stupid and walk the twenty minute walk.

Chapter Text

The school day went like normal, except for the fact that people noticed. They noticed Natalie and Charlotte showing up together, they noticed Nat’s new hair and the smell of smoke on Lottie’s.

Lottie got a few weird looks when she entered the cafeteria after being seen with Nat, but she ignored them.

Luckily the news of Nat’s dad hadn’t seemed to have gotten out yet, because Lottie wasn’t sure either of them could handle that right now.

“Did you hear Natalie Scatorccio’s dad died?” Sandra, one of the girls that thought hanging onto every word Lottie said made them friends, said.

Well fuck.

Lottie decided to ignore her, hoping it was one of those rumors that died down before it ever reached the masses, but that was obviously not the case.

The rest of the day she kept hearing bits and pieces of random conversations.

"Apparently she killed him cus he called her a slut. I mean, was he wrong?”

“I heard he shot himself because his daughter sold drugs,”

“Do you think she’s an orphan now? I mean, she’s like a carbon copy of her mother, so I can’t imagine that women is much help,”

The people that were spreading these nasty things about Nat were probably all people that had never even talked to her and blindly believed all the rumors that got flung at them.

Pathetic.

Lottie went through her day forcing her body not to react anytime she heard Nat’s name until she finally got to soccer.

She never would’ve guessed she’d like soccer, but she picked it up one random day a few years ago when Jackie told her to try out.

It gave her a way to feel free. The air in her house always felt thick, suffocating with her dads judgemental stares. She also enjoyed the way her body felt light with adrenaline the moment the game started.

“Okay. The next big match is in a month, so we’re gonna have to put in all we have today,” Coach Scott told them the moment they entered the field.

She could see Nat’s face light up, Lottie had always noticed that the only time Nat truly seemed to feel safe was during soccer. She and Van gave each other a hug before Van jogged over to her place next to Tai, who was standing by the goal.

Even through Nat’s adrenaline fueled smile she could see the panic. She’d obviously also heard the rumors, her dad was fucking dead, Lottie was surprised Nat even managed to function.

Focus.

She’d ask Nat how she was holding up after practice, right now they just needed to focus.

They started with some laps around the field, followed by some basic drills.

The first half hour flew by in what felt like minutes. Lottie could already feel the sweat starting to drip down her back.

The last part of practice consisted of mostly shooting drills. Coach split all of them up into groups of 2, by luck, or a miracle, Nat and Lottie ended up together.

Misty quickly set up the “goals”, which were just 4 cones set up an appropriate distance away from each other.

Nat and Lottie took turns trying to shoot the ball through the cones while the other tried their best to defend the goal.

Each second game, frankly, sucked. Nat tried her best to defend while Lottie did her best to attack, but since their roles on the field required them to do the complete opposite, it was a mess.

When Lottie managed to shoot the ball no less than 2 meters right from the goal she burst out laughing.

“Wow, we suck,” she snorted.

She could see Nat was trying her best to keep in her laugh, but a small smirk was making its way onto her face.

Lottie ran up to Nat, swinging her arms around her. She kept forgetting to ask Nat if she could touch her, but luckily after the first few seconds she melted into the hug.

“Do you wanna hang out after practice?” Lottie asked as soon as she pulled away from the hug.

“Girls this isn’t a tea party,” Coach Martinez yelled while coach Scott shot them an apologetic smile.

Before Lottie could respond Nat had already given him the finger and faced back towards Lottie.

“Honestly, I was planning on just smoking some weed after school, but you can come with if you want?” She suggested.

Lottie could feel her cheeks going warm. Nat just invited her to get high, she couldn’t say no.

Lottie shot the other girl a smile and nodded.

__________

When practice was over and they all went to the locker rooms to go change Lottie ran up to Nat, who looked like she was practically drowning in her own sweat.

“How are you not absolutely disgusted by me right now?” Nat grinned.

“Oh I am,” Lottie shot back. Nat rolled her eyes, but the glint in her eyes told Lottie she wasn’t actually annoyed.

“I’m gonna change real quick. I’ll probably be under the bleachers,” Nat said, before walking over to Van and Tai, who were both already looking their way.

They’d probably also heard the rumors, but weren’t sure if they should mention it or not.

Lottie was gonna ask Nat about it later, maybe when the weed was already in their system. She didn’t wanna cross a line with Nat.

Change first, worry later.

She felt disgusting. Her sweaty hair was sticking to her neck and her clothes were soaking wet, as well as her just feeling generally sticky.

She couldn’t wait to be done showering and dressing and get the hell out of this sweaty locker room.

“Hey Lot. You wanna catch a ride with me later? We can watch that new romcom movie with whatshisname,” Jackie yelled at her from across the room, causing multiple heads to turn.

“I’m sorry. Maybe tomorrow?” Lottie replied.

“Ah it’s fine,” the other girl mumbled, before slipping into the showers.

Lottie returned to undressing. She was trying to get her shirt off while it was stuck to her like second skin when her eyes started searching for Nat again.

The girl was standing in a corner, looking at the wall like it was the most interesting thing mankind had ever created. She quickly slipped her Jersey over her head, revealing a black sports bra, drenched in sweat.

Lottie knew most girls didn’t have some…less then appropriate thoughts about their friends while changing, but she wasn’t ready to admit that the excessive amount of skin made her mouth dry. She knew she was staring, but it was okay since Nat was a girl, right? She just wanted to know why Nat always changed like she was being held at gunpoint, that’s all. They’d been on the same team for years, but Lottie hadn’t really noticed Nat’s muscles before yesterday.

Damn she must be strong.

When she moved her arms to get her bra over her head she automatically flexed her biceps and back muscles, which admittedly, Lottie found way more attractive on her then any guy she’d been with.

She could pin me down.

What the fuck Lottie.

Lottie shook her head, forcing her to look away and try to forget the image of Nat holding her down. Why the fuck would her brain even think that.

“Hey Scatorccio,” she said, trying to get Nat’s attention.

“Hhm?” She hummed, half turning to look at her. She’d since changed into a red bra and was working an old looking band shirt over her head.

When she got the shirt on she turned to fully face Lottie.

Lottie noticed that Nat’s gaze was weirdly high up. Yeah, she was obviously looking at her face, but in a way that felt almost targeted, like something would happen if she dared to look away.

“You did fucking amazing today,” Lottie complimented, even though her heart was racing like crazy.

“Than-“ Nat started, but was cut off by Hannah, a JV player, shrieking. They both turned to face her.

“Stop staring at my tits, perv,” she said, in a disgustingly dramatic voice.

Lottie was confused who she was talking to at first, until she saw Nat tense beside her. So that’s why Nat was looking strictly at her face.

I mean, Lottie wasn’t gay. But Lottie wasn’t homophobic either, she didn’t have a problem with Nat coming out to her. She was just not a lesbian.

“Oh my God Natalie, why do we even let her change in this changing room? What if she’s secretly staring at us?” Hannah continued, also catching the attention of Van and Tai.

“Mari. She’s not doing anything, she’s literally staring at the wall,” Van started, trying to comfort Nat. Tai followed, of course.

Hannah sputtered a bit more, trying to get the rest on board with her little hate session. Luckily nobody really agreed with her. Some people did try to quickly cover themselves with their shirts, which Lottie thought was kinda pathetic.

“Fuck this,” Nat muttered, before slinging her bag over her shoulder and rushing out of the room.

“Fuck you Hannah,” Lottie said, irritated.

“What if she’s a lesbian?” Hannah whispered the last part. “Do you want her staring at you? Undressing you with her eyes,” she continued.

Lottie hated the way her stomach turned at the idea. She hoped to whatever fucking god Laura Lee prayed too that she wasn’t blushing.

“What if I told you that I don’t fucking care,” Lottie bit back, feeling rage bubbling in her gut. She wasn’t even that close to Nat, but currently that didn’t really matter. She wanted to throw Hannah off of a balcony.

“I’m going,” Lottie said, before rushing after Nat.

Luckily Nat hadn’t gone far and Lottie caught up to her quickly.

“Hannah’s a bitch and I don’t care that you’re gay,” Lottie started. Nat turned to look at her.

“I don’t know if I feel comfortable with the fact that you’re Italian though,” Lottie teased. Nat smiled, her dimples appearing again.

“Oh fuck you,” Nat said, flipping her off.

They walked towards the bleachers together and occasionally pointed out random people and thought of backstories for them.

By the time they got there they’d already decided the random guy with the big ass backpack was named Steve and probably had a girlfriend that he didn’t manage to get off a single time. He was apparently also addicted to video games and weirdly good at science.

“Have you ever done this before,” Nat asked while searching around in her bag for a joint.

“What do you think I am? Seven. Yes I’ve smoked before,” Lottie answered. She realized she may have come off a bit too mean a second to late, but Nat didn’t seem to mind.

“I don’t know. I thought maybe your parents wouldn’t let you,” she explained.

Lottie giggled. “Oh, they don’t. They’d probably disown me if they found out what I’d do with my free time,”

Nat gave her a sympathetic nod before getting a lighter from her pocket and lighting the joint like she’d done it a million times before, which she probably had.

Lottie should not be attracted to someone knowing how to smoke, but she could not stop staring at Nat’s lips as she put the joint between them and inhaled.

She felt something weird flutter in her stomach.

After Nat turned to her to blow the smoke in her face she handed her the joint, their fingers brushing when Lottie took it.

After passing the joint around a few times Lottie could feel her head getting light.

“I feel like I’m floating,” Lottie giggled, pushing her shoulder against Nat’s.

“Your tolerance is shit,” Nat told her with a straight face, but she allowed Lottie to lean against her shoulder.

They kept smoking for a while when Lottie fell back into the grass, Nat following.

“Do you ever wonder how the clouds work? Like why does that cloud look like an airplane?” Lottie asked, pointing to one of the clouds.

“That’s not an airplane, Lottie. That’s a dick,” Nat grinned. The way Nat pronounced her name gave her that weird fluttery feeling again.

Lottie laughed, a full on belly laugh.

“That’s such a ‘you’ thing to say. That’s clearly an airplane,” Lottie said.

“Agree to disagree,”

After their whole cloud debate the mood quickly turned darker.

“Does it bother you that people saw us together?” Nat quietly asked.

Lottie felt the sting in her heart. She got why Nat would think that, but she honestly didn’t really care about her reputation and Nat was more important anyways.

“I honestly don’t give a shit,” Lottie replied.

They stayed silent for a while until Lottie decided to bring it up.

“But genuinely, are you okay? Like I’ve heard all the rumors and I can’t even fathom how you’re dealing with it,” Lottie suddenly said, catching Nat or guard.

It took Nat a while before she started talking, probably debating if she wanted to talk about it or not.

“It’s like so shitty, but I actually feel kind of relieved. I know he was my dad, but like…he scared me, of course he did. I feel really guilty, but I’m not scared to go home anymore, sure, I still have to deal with my mom and it sucks, but I don’t have to debate if going home will get me killed,” Nat sighed.

“I don’t wanna say I get it, because clearly I don’t, but I do get why you’re relieved. Yes, on paper that may sound shitty to people, but it doesn’t matter that he was your dad. It clearly didn’t matter to him that he was your dad, so why should you treat him like anything other than a random man that liked to beat you?” Lottie replied.

Nat was clearly shocked by her bluntness, but still smiled. Her attempt at comfort worked.

“You know what? You’re actually not such a bitch, don’t judge a book by its cover or some shit,” she said.

The dark mood ended just as fast as it started, since Lottie realized Nat didn’t want to talk about it any more than she already did.

They moved onto random topics that were way more hilarious to their high brain than it probably would’ve been normally.

They stayed like that for close to three hours, when Lottie offered to drive Nat home. No matter how hard Lottie tried to convince Nat, she still refused, so they parted ways.

Chapter Text

Jackie’s party was quickly approaching.

A few weeks ago it was still so far away, but now that Lottie only had a few hours left she was starting to panic.

One of the only things on her mind was Nat. Nat who probably would show up to the party, but way too fucking late and leave way too fucking early. Nat who would probably wear something close to shitty rockstar, but still look amazing in it. Nat whose dad had just died.

But Nat herself wasn’t the only thing on her mind, impressing Nat was also there, in a far corner.

Why? Why did that matter to her?

She decided this wasn’t something she was gonna think about right now. She pushed the thought far away, far enough to calm her down, but just close enough to dictate her outfit.

Her hair down, a simple pair of light wash jeans, a dangerously low cut red top and at least a bajillion accessories. She felt hot.

With her new found confidence she headed over to the party.

Since she was one of the only people on the team with her drivers license she had to make a quick detour to pick up Van (which automatically meant Tai tagged along), Laura Lee and Hannah, who she had a newfound hatred towards.

Van and Tai got into the car practically ogling each other. Lottie really had to talk to them about that, there was obviously a reason they weren't telling anybody about their, quite obvious, relationship, but one lesbian had come out to her, two more couldn’t hurt.

While she drove to Laura Lee’s house she absentmindedly wondered if she should pick up Nat too, but she knew the girl would flip if she did.

The exact moment Hannah entered the car she could feel Van and Tai both tense up, they’d been there when Hannah made those comments and they’d clearly taken them to heart. Lottie felt bad.

Just before they entered Jackie’s home, or well, mansion, she shot Hannah a dirty look. “Behave yourself,” she muttered in her direction, hoping she heard it and would listen.

——-

“Truth or dare?” Jackie asked, aiming the question at Lottie.

Lottie wasn’t really a fan of drinking games, but she had already agreed to the peer pressure to even come, so yeah, she’d relented.

“Dare,” She replied.

She could practically see the way Jackie’s eyes lit up, she clearly had an idea and Lottie wasn’t particularly excited to find out what it was.

Jackie glanced over to Nat, who did indeed show up as well. Late.

“I dare you…to make Nat blush,” Jackie chuckled. She was obviously expecting Lottie to chicken out, but her mom didn’t raise a bitch. She chose to ignore the fact that her mom WAS the bitch

She turned towards Nat, locking eyes with the other girl. Lottie’s heart nearly skipped a beat.

She was straight, she knew that, she had to be. The ways Nat’s eyes looked in this light made her reconsider it though.

Nat was wearing a surprisingly short figure hugging black dress with fishnets underneath. The dress was decorated with all kinds of metal. Chains, spikes and charms and her fingers were dripping in rings. She was wearing her signature safety pin necklace as well.

“You okay with this?” Lottie asked as she scooted to the middle of the circle.

Lottie thought she saw a flash of panic in Nat’s eyes before the other girl nodded. Maybe she’d imagined it. Nat was gay, but not for her. Right?

“Ah fuck it. It’s just a party right?” Nat chuckled, also moving closer to the middle.

Some of their teammates cheered while Van whistled with her fingers.

“First of all, I wanna say that I admire your ability to be so fully yourself so much and you’re honestly just really cool,” Lottie started. Nat immediately looked away, already seeming flustered.

She was planning on touching Nat, if she was okay with it of course, but it seemed like she wouldn’t even need to if it continued on like this.

“This is so fucking weird. Why did you even say this Jackie?” Hannah started, but Tai, who was sitting next to her, shoved her lightly.

“Shut up and let them have their moment,” she hissed.

Lottie looked back to Nat, who was watching her already. She put her hand over Nat’s and slowly started dragging it upwards.

Over Nat’s wrist, up towards her elbow and over her upper arm. When she got to her shoulder she stopped for a moment, looking at Nat to see if she was okay with what she was about to do.

Nat looked slightly confused and maybe even embarrassed, but she nodded, so Lottie continued.

She gently dragged her hand over Nat’s very warm neck and then started tapping on her jawline.

Lottie could see the blush starting to form on her cheeks and smirked. She enjoyed being taller than Nat, because she could see the blush on the tips of her ears.

It was now or never, Nat was already blushing, but she wanted to see how far she could go, so she leaned in towards Nat’s ear, breathing warm air onto the already flustered girl's neck in the process.

“You’re so fucking hot, Nat,” she whispered in Nat’s ear.

She could feel the way Nat’s jaw tensed and she could hear her sharp inhale. When she pulled away she saw that Nat was practically a tomato, almost half her neck was coated in a light shade of red and her cheeks were glowing pink.

“Shit Lot, what did you say? She looks like she’s never been touched before, my god” a random JV player giggled.

Lottie didn’t realize it was possible for Nat to get even more flustered, but she proved her wrong.

“Fuck all of you,” Nat muttered, before pushing herself up and walking towards the Taylor’s massive hallway.

“Who shoved a stick up her ass? I was just saying that we all know she’s not a virgin, so why did she get so flustered,” the girl, Amber?, said when Nat was out of earshot. “Maybe she’s a lesbian?” Amber added. A few of the other JV girls giggled with Amber like they were talking about middle school gossip.

Lottie made a mental note of the way Tai and Van conveniently acted like they didn’t hear the last part.

Lottie could feel anger starting to bubble up. What right did they have speculating about Nat’s personal life? Let alone be bitches about it.

Lottie quickly jumped up and walked out, she could still hear Tai and Van coming after her.

“Can I talk to her alone for a sec? I’ll tell her you guys were searching for her,” Lottie pleated. She really wanted Nat to know she cared about her. They hadn’t known each other for long, but the week they’d spent together felt realer to Lottie than most of her life long friendships. Lottie felt like she had to protect Nat.

Van nodded and dragged a still arguing Tai back towards the living room.

Lottie dragged her feet to the door. She really wanted to talk to Nat, but at the same time she was terrified the girl would be mad at her.

“Hey. You ok?” She asked as soon as she got outside.

A bubble of smoke formed around Nat’s head as she turned to look at Lottie, who had to resist the urge to cough.

“Hannah and that other girl are assholes,” she managed to wheeze out.

Nat didn’t smile.

“I’m sorry,” Lottie muttered. She wasn’t the worst at apologies, but they weren't comfortable.

“I know you said you were okay with it, but you shouldn't have done it, with the circumstances, you know?,” wrong thing to say.

“Not that you’re weak or that I think you can’t handle yourself now that…you know, I just shouldn't have gotten you in a situation where someone could’ve been a homophobic dick to you,” she was getting Deja Vu to the night Nat came over. She couldn’t stop rambling then and she couldn’t stop rambling now.

Nat slowly looked up through her eyelashes, which made Lottie's stomach feel weird.

“You curse a lot for a rich girl, princess. I have to watch the fuck out before you take my damn spot, you dick,” Nat said with a straight face, tacking on a few extra curse words at the end for good measure.

“Learned from the best,” Lottie returned. She could swear she saw Nat blush a little.

“But seriously, you’re fine. Tai and Van agree with me, Jackie was probably too busy ogling Shauna to even hear and everyone else on the team wasn’t even playing. Literally everyone that matters is accounted for,” Lottie said while counting all their semi-friends on her fingers.

“You want a hit?” Nat asked with a smirk, seeming to be okay again.

And that’s how Lottie Mathews ended up smoking with Natalie Scattorcio for the second time in a week.

Chapter Text

It was technically the morning after the party, but neither Lottie or Nat had slept yet.

After what happened Lottie decided to walk Nat home, not trusting either of them to drive. Luckily Lottie lived pretty close to Jackie, but the same couldn’t be said for Nat.

Even though Nat insisted she could walk home, Lottie wasn’t gonna let her walk alone at 1 am high and drunk for at least 45 minutes.

“Sorry that I freaked out,” Nat whispered from her place on the bed.

She was surprisingly articulate for how much shit she’s smoked and/or inhaled. She’d probably build up a tolerance.

“You’re fine. You had the right to be way more pissy than you were,” Lottie replied, she was glad she’d forced Nat to drink some water when they got to her house.

“No, I mean it. You were just doing the fucking dare and I was being a dick,” Nat said. Lottie didn’t think she’d ever heard her apologize.

“They were being homophobic and slutshaming you and you acted accordingly,” Lottie stated, walking over to sit next to the blonde.

“Wait, what do you mean? I thought they were just calling me a slut,” Nat said, her eyebrows furrowing.

She looked really pretty. Her hair was still messy from laying on the grass smoking and the dress she showed up wearing had slowly ridden up throughout the party. Lottie reached out to fix it, gently pulling the skirt part of the dress down towards Nat’s thighs again.

Nat went stiff, but when Lottie got further away again she smiled and nodded a thanks. Lottie only registered the question then.

“You were probably already gone, but she said something like ‘she’s not a virgin so why is she so flustered? Maybe she’s a lesbian?’” Lottie explained, still trying to discreetly look at Nat, who had slumped further into the bed, head hitting Lottie’s pillows.

“It’s just, it’s not even true,” Nate whispered. “The slut part, not the lesbian thing,” she clarified when she saw Lottie’s confused expression.

“It used to be just him who thought that I was a slut, but at some point I wanted to prove him right? You know? Like a weird fuck you” Nat tried explaining in her vaguely drunk state.

They both knew who ‘him’ was referring to.

“The night I- the night he died I had Kevin over, we weren’t doing anything, but he obviously didn’t believe me. When he first started talking I tried to prove him wrong, but at some point I knew I couldn’t convince him so I might as well become what he thought of me, so he at least thought I was a slut for men, not a dyke,” she said, voice slightly catching on the last word.

That stung.

The fact that Nat felt the need to offer herself up to some fucked up rumor so he wouldn’t hurt her because of something she couldn’t control?

The fact that the rumor was sexual rubbed Lottie the wrong way too. He had never touched her, right? Lottie wasn’t sure.

“Well like I said, he’s an asshole. Also, he’s dead, you’re safe,” Lottie tried comforting Nat. She put her hand on her head, Nat flinched.

She never learned.

She mumbled an apology.

“This is like Deja vú. Why has my bed become the ‘talk about the Italians dead dad’ hangout place exactly?” She teased, hoping it would help Nat relax.

She heard a wet snort coming from beside her. If her parents were here they would freak. Not only that this random person was getting germs and smoke all over her bed, but that this person was a girl. In. Her. Bed. Her parents couldn’t comprehend that the bed was for things other than sex, since most of the time they slept at some fancy hotel that probably offered hammocks as sleeping arrangements.

“I know we already talked about it and I roped you into being my personal therapist. I’m sorry. I’m just too drunk to care right now and I need a hug,” the girl next to her told her, which kind of startled Lottie.

Apparently Nat wasn’t as stone cold as most people thought. She was actually quite easy to crack when you showed her even a little bit of love.

It was half cute and flattering and half devastating and heartbreaking.

The fact that Lottie had known this girl for all of five days and she already seemed to like and kind of trust her showed that nobody had even tried to be kind to her for FIVE FUCKING DAYS.

“You didn’t rope me into anything. If I didn’t want you in my house I would’ve kicked you out long ago. You’re so sweet and so cool and also, you were so bloody when you showed up. Showing up at someone’s door when you’re hurt and them helping you doesn’t make you pathetic or manipulative or anything, it makes you smart,”

“But-“

“Shut up,” Lottie replied, putting her hand over Nat’s mouth to stop her from making another shitty self-deprecating joke.

Nat’s eyes widened and Lottie remembered the bruises around Nat’s mouth when she first showed up that night.

“That’s not…I’m sorry. No,” Lottie fumbled. Luckily Nat didn’t seem too affected, just a little shaken up.

“Van says it trauma. I say it’s a kink,” she joked, but her tone didn’t match her words.

“Nat, that IS trauma. Although I also wouldn’t really love it if someone put their hand over my mouth. I should've asked, I’m just not used to it, I’m sorry,” Lottie tried.

“You don’t get to say sorry, that’s my line,” Nat said, still refusing to look her in the eyes, which was a great opportunity for Lottie to stare again.

Her bangs were longer than the first time she cut them, even though it had only been five days. How did she notice that little tiny piece of extra hair? She could almost see the split ends in Nat’s now blonde hair.

“Do you want a hug?” Lottie offered. Nat didn’t even respond before she rocked over to lay in Lottie’s lap, who started slowly stroking her hair.

“You’re so sweet, like the honey packets the lunch lady sneaks me,” Nat mumbled, maybe she was drunker than Lottie thought.

Whatever, it was still Nat, even if her emotions were heightened.

“No Nat, you’re sweet. You're so caring even when nobody really cares for you,” Lottie said absentmindedly while searching for the TV remote.

“People do care about me. Van cares, so maybe Tai does too? Kevin cares, or at least when I give him weed. Okay, maybe only Van cares, but one is more than none,” Nat corrected her.

Okay it was good to hear that Van at least cared about her.

“How do you and Van know each other? Apart from soccer, cus you don’t really get the opportunity to talk much there,” Lottie was curious now.

“Same trailer park,” Nat simply stated. “If she’s not at Tai’s we usually check up on each other to make sure we’re not, you know, dead. She once stoped my dad from using my skull to smash and empty beer bottle and I can’t even count how many times I helped her carry her mom to bed when she was passed out. She’s amazing,” Nat told Lottie.

While Lottie really was happy for Nat, she also felt a little jealous. Why was this little sting suddenly showing up? Nat was allowed to have friends, she preferred it actually.

She was gonna change the topic.

“You want another terrifying murder show?” Lottie mocked Nat, while turning on the TV her parents had so kindly bought her as a ‘sorry were not home for Christmas like we promised’ gift.

“You know me so well,” Nat said, confirming Lottie’s fear of having to see another demon baby backwards crawling towards her.

Like last time, Lottie eventually fell asleep on Nat’s shoulder.

—-

This time, Lottie didn’t wake up with Nat asleep next to her, but with distant sniffles that had to be Nat’s, there was no one else home.

Still a bit groggy and disorientated, she followed the sound towards the bathroom.

She slowly opened the bathroom door, hoping it wouldn’t creak and scare Nat. When she managed to open it she saw Nat sitting on the side of the bathtub, the same place Lottie had been sitting just mere days ago.

“Hey, are you okay?” Lottie said, carefully walking up towards Nat, who hadn’t looked up.

“Am I broken?” She heard Nat sniffle. If she’d inhaled at that moment she probably wouldn’t have heard it, that’s how quiet it was.

It broke her.

“No Nat, oh my god, you’re not broken, never,” Lottie started, rushing over towards Nat.

“You’re not broken, you’re hurt and your parents…damaged you?” Lottie tried. “But you're never broken, just a little scratched up, like a CD, you just need some toothpaste,” Lottie continued, sitting next to Nat, careful not to let her ass dig into the porcelain again.

“But I killed him. I killed my father. I’m a murderer,” Nat sniffled.

“You didn’t do it, Nat. He had the gun, he tripped, he died. That’s what happened. And even if you did kill him, it was so obviously self defense. You’re seventeen years old and he was fuck knows how old. He should’ve known better. Also, he’s the one that even had a gun, that’s stupid in the first place,” Lottie answered.

“I was gonna kill him if I didn’t fuck up with the safety,” Nat protested again.

“And I’m proud of you for that,” Lottie said with a stern voice, trying to stop Nat from saying something self sabotaging again.

“I’ve cried to fucking much around you. I’m not gonna fall apart again. If I can manage that,” Nat tried, but failed to be kind to herself.

They stayed quiet for a little while after that, just waiting to see who broke the silence first.

“Toothpaste,” Lottie suddenly said, breaking said silence.

“What the fuck are you on about?” Nat finally looked up, eyes and nose still red and slightly wet.

“Toothpaste,” Lottie repeated.

“Have you gone fucking insane?” Nat asked, clearly confused now.

“Always have been,” Lottie mumbled.

She wasn’t supposed to say that.

PLEASE let Nat think she was joking, please.

Luckily Nat didn’t even really react to her little confession.

“Toothpaste helps with scratched CDs right?”

Nat still looked confused, but confirmed.

“Natalie, you’re gonna help me fix my Cranberries CD instead of being a hot mess in my parents bathtub,” Lottie insisted.

“Oh you think I’m a hot mess,” Nat smirked, putting the emphasis on ‘hot’.

She did.

As a friend.

“I don’t… I meant the expression. You’re not hot. Wait no you are, just not. You’re not ugly, but I wouldn’t want to fuck y-“ Lottie rambled, this wasn’t the first time she couldn’t control her words around this girl.

“Chill, I was joking,” Nat cut her off. “Let’s fix this CD,” she already hopped off the bath and started moving towards Lottie’s bedroom again.

Nat was a rollercoaster and Lottie didn’t know how to handle it. How this girl managed to pick herself up after every breakdown was a mystery to her, but hey, at least her CD would be fixed.

Lottie snatched a tube of toothpaste on her way out of the bathroom and then headed over to Nat, who was already standing awkwardly in front of Lottie’s CD stand, probably waiting for Lottie to confirm she was allowed to touch them. 

Each time Nat was in her house Lottie was reminded of the harsh truth of Nat’s finances. If any of her other friends were here they would’ve already ripped at least half of the CD’s out of the rack to check if it was the ‘the Cranberries’ one they were searching for, but Nat didn’t. Maybe it was politeness, but knowing Nat it was probably the fact that she couldn’t pay Lottie back if she were to damage something.

Lottie nodded at Nat, who immediately whipped out the correct CD, presenting it to Lottie.

They spent the next few minutes carefully wiping and replaying the CD until it seemed to work without skipping. At some point Nat got some toothpaste on her finger. She lent over to Lottie, who nearly stopped breathing (NAT. WAS. CLOSE) and booped her nose.

“You bitch,” Lottie stated.

They let the music continue while getting cleaned up. When they got back into the bedroom the lyrics of ‘When You’re Gone’ were floating through the room.

There’s nothing simple when I’m not around you

This wasn’t the moment to stare at Nat, but she couldn’t help it.

And it’s going to carry on

The lyrics almost seemed to mock her. Why was she feeling like this? She couldn’t feel like this? Why was her stomach hurting all of the time? Why were Nat’s eyes so captivating? Why exactly wasn’t she allowed to feel this? She was straight, so what did it matter that she thought Nat was pretty? She was. Objectively.

“You’re pretty,” She muttered, still trying to look away. She wasn’t gonna do this today.

“Fuck uhm, you too,” She heard Nat’s caught of guard voice say.

Her heart dropped. Nat thought she was pretty, Nat who was a lesbian.

“You should go,” Lottie whispered, already moving to grab onto Nat’s arm, but stopping herself at the last moment. She might be panicking, but Nat was her friend.

She moved over to grab her car keys instead, still refusing to let Nat walk home alone.

The drive was quiet and Nat still refused to let Lottie drop her home at the trailer park, so in the end Lottie dropped her off a few blocks over.

When Nat got out of the car Lottie couldn’t stop herself from grabbing the girl's arm.

“You didn’t do anything, I just…I realized, uuhm, I was gonna watch a movie with Jackie and I panicked. I had fun today,” she told her.

“Me too,” Nat smiled a little and Lottie felt her inside burn. At least Nat didn’t think she was mad at her.

On the drive back to her house she didn’t even bother putting on music, just letting happy tears roll down her face. She had fun for the first time in a long time. Nat was a good friend.

Chapter Text

“Lottie, I need to talk with you,” Lottie heard a familiar voice say. When she whipped around she saw the familiar red hair, the scars running across the side of her face and that permanent knowing smirk, Van.

“Wait one second, I’m just finishing up this essay,” she said, quickly writing down a vague conclusive sentence about some war she didn’t understand, packing up the paper and standing up to follow Van.

When they got to the third floor bathroom (the only one not constantly filled with people) Van quickly checked under each stall door for shoes before she began talking.

“Okay, I never thought I’d say this, but I need your help,” Van said, her eyes looking a little off. Lottie wasn’t that acquainted with Van, but the uncomfortable look on her face was easy to read.

“No, Nat doesn’t have any extra cigs,” Lottie stated.

“You dickhead. Is Tai mad at me?” Van whispered.

“Don’t ask me, I’m not the Taissa whisperer,” Lottie joked, but when she thought about the look in Van’s eyes she was starting to feel bad for her. It was so clear that she was in distress. Lottie wasn’t sure what had happened, but she was now determined to help.

The moment she wanted to ask if Van had any idea why Tai would be mad, some random kid walked in. They stayed a few minutes to wait until the person left, but the second they did someone else walked it. This was gonna take a while and their lunch break was almost over.

“Okay, I’m meeting N- I have plans this afternoon, but you can come over and I can see if I can help. I promise there’s nothing wrong, that girl is just unreadable. Let me just…” she started rummaging through her bag, eventually realizing she didn’t have any paper apart from the history homework she had just finished. She was gonna have to rewrite it anyways, her handwriting wasn’t as neat as people expected from her.

She quickly scribbled her address on the corner of the paper, ripped it and handed it over to Van, along with the words ‘Nat is coming’ in red pen, which made Van chuckle. Immature bitch

“That’s not how I meant it, you little bitch,” Lottie said with a disgusted look.

“I was actually thinking more like a horror movie, but your way works too,” Van replied, still stifling a giggle. Okay, maybe Lottie was the immature bitch.

Lottie knew she could’ve just told Van that she was hanging out with Nat out loud, but she was paranoid that someone would overhear her and spread some nasty rumors. Nat had enough shit to deal with as is and Lottie selfishly didn’t want people to know they were hanging out outside of school. Both to keep her to herself and to avoid her parents finding out.

Lottie and Van walked out into the hall together, splitting ways when they walked past Lottie’s next class, English. She didn’t like English, but at least she had it with Nat.

She felt her heart warm a little when she saw that Nat had deliberately saved her a seat. Probably with some not so very nice words, but still, the seat was hers.

English class went by relatively fast and Lottie didn’t even sigh once when the old dude started going on about the significance of the almost orgy like scene at the end of It.

——

Lottie was having Déjà vu.

The last time the doorbell rang after school, one of her teammates showed up bloody and beating, luckily Van wasn’t in that condition.

She quickly let the girl in, closed the door to prevent the rain from pouring in and led Van to the bedroom where Nat was still waiting.

They’d been trying to figure out the English homework before Van showed up, so these were still random pieces of paper that hadn’t made it to the trash can scattered throughout the room.

Nat was still in the same sprawled out position Lottie had left her in. Her hair was messily laying in a sort of halo shape around her head and her shirt had ridden up far enough to show a sliver of pale skin.

“Okay why do you think Tai’s mad at you?” Lottie got straight to the point, trying to keep her gaze off of Nat, she looked so cozy.

“She’s been ignoring me and when I tried to…” Van suddenly stopped herself. “When we were,” she tried again.

“Uhm. Tai and I…we’re-,” Van started, but got cut off by both Lottie and Nat saying ‘dating’ at the same time.

Vans eyebrows curled up and her shoulders slumped. “You guys knew?”

“Dude, literally the whole team knows,” Nat stated.

“That’s fucked,” Van whined, but her smile betrayed her.

“So what is it you were doing?” Lottie smirked. Van looked at them awkwardly before explaining Tai rejected her good morning kiss.

Lottie stifled a giggle, knowing exactly why Tai was being so cold.

“My dear Vanessa, she’s not mad, I promise,” Lottie’s eyes flicked over to Nat, trying to signal to her.

Nat raised her eyebrows.

So she wasn’t much help.

Lottie tried again, pointing to her mouth and aggressively breathing out. She could see the realization dawn just before Nat burst out laughing too.

“Van she was dared to eat a union. She probably reeks,” Nat breathed out.

Van’s face went through at least four emotions before settling on disgusted. She did seem relieved nothing was actually wrong though.

“Okay, makes sense. Thank you guys,” she said, before turning around, presumably to leave.

Lottie quickly got up to grab Van by the arm. “You can stay if you want to?”

“Nah. I’m gonna try to convince Tai to come over, I’ll let you guys do whatever you guys do,” she said, before quickly getting out the door and letting herself out.

“Well that was fast,” Nat commented, having now sat up.

Hair was covering at least half of her face and Lottie had to resist the urge to brush it all back in place again. Instead she just pointed, causing Nat to shake her head in a desperate attempt to fix it.

This morning they’d both been a bit awkward with each other after yesterday, but luckily everything seemed back to normal by lunch that day. Still, she knew something was wrong. She’d seen the way Van looked at her throughout the day, that kind of look that said ‘I know something you don’t’. She wanted to know what Van knew. Why did her stomach hurt every time she wasn’t with Nat? Why did her stomach hurt when she thought about Nat? Did she have a stomach bug?

Nat was looking at her too, but not like she knew something, but like she was confused too. Lottie didn’t want Nat to be confused, she wanted Nat to feel safe and understood.

“My parents are coming home this weekend,” was what slipped out. She was planning on telling Nat, but not right now. She had to keep seeing Nat, she didn’t like the heavy feeling when Nat wasn’t with her, but she couldn’t risk it. Her parents would not be okay with Nat.

“Well that’s shit,” Nat dryly replied while seeming very interested in a stain on Lottie’s bedsheets.

“I really don’t wanna be with them this weekend. I wanna be with you, but you really can’t come over,” Lottie sulked. She really wasn’t looking forward to it.

Yeah, it wasn’t fun when her parents were never home, but it was even worse when they were. They always had all kinds of things to say about the life they weren’t even involved in.

Did you gain weight, Lottie. This dress used to fit you so beautifully?
Do you finally have a boyfriend or are you still a failure?
Have you been taking your meds, Lottie? You wouldn’t want to cast any negative light on our family.
Do you know when you wanna take over the family business? We’re losing time.

No, she didn’t have a boyfriend and she didn’t want the family business. Which, in comparison to Nat, was nothing, but it still hurt. They were her parents, but they only cared when it was either about money or their family’s reputation. She was their worst mistake, the family fuck up, the one with ‘mental difficulties’.

She was gonna tell Nat about her schizophrenia at some point too, but not right now. It was too risky, what if she would react like her family did that day when she was ten. After more than a handful of strange occurrences, Lottie’s parents took her to the family doctor, who diagnosed her and gave her a prescription for some pills whose name she couldn’t pronounce.

What if Nat would freak out? Leave her? She couldn’t fathom having that happen all because she was too stupid to trust her parents' judgement. Although, if she were to go off of her parents judgement she wouldn’t even be friends with Nat. Still, she wasn’t gonna tell her yet.

“I was thinking about getting my belly button pierced. You could maybe come along for that?” Nat suggested.

The moment she said it, images flooded Lottie’s mind. Images that Lottie would rather forget, Nat was her friend. Sure, piercings were hot, but they were hot on anyone. It was just because Lottie wasn’t allowed to get anything other than her lobes pierced.

“I didn’t really think you were the type to get anything professionally done. Like, stabbing some needles in your stomach sounds like a Tuesday morning activity for you,” was what Lottie settled on. Their teasing hadn’t really slowed down since the first night Nat showed up.

“We’ll you’d be right, but the last time I shoved a needle somewhere it got infected. I thought I was immune to infections, it’s an Italian thing,” Nat replied, smirking slightly.

“Really,”

“No dumbass,”

“Be kind, at least you’re allowed to get pierced,” Lottie realized her mistake as soon as it left her mouth.

“Allowed is a strong word,” Nat replied.

They sat in silence for a while until Lottie agreed, still trying to push some less than appropriate thoughts out of her mind.

“I’d love to come. How late were you planning on going? Maybe I can sneak out,” Lottie enquired. The other girl took a while to answer.

“Like somewhere around when they close? Six or something? But I don’t want you to get in trouble if you get busted,”

That was sweet.

“I’ll be fine, but if you don’t have anything better to do I wouldn’t mind if you came over,” Lottie waited for some kind of affirmation before continuing. “My parents usually come to check up on me around four, so can you show up around half past four or later? I’ll leave the window open,” she was doing the math in her head while talking.

It suddenly dawned on her how crazy this was. A few days ago they didn’t know each other apart from soccer and now she was sneaking Nat through her window, knew most of Nat’s biggest secrets and was debating on telling Nat hers. It all felt so real, but they hadn’t known each other for long. Lottie decided that didn’t matter, she knew more about Nat than she knew about anybody else in her life. Yes, she liked her friends, but they were just that, her friends.

She had felt this feeling before when she was a child, but she’d pushed it so far down she hadn’t felt it since. Nat brought it back out apparently. This wasn’t a problem to face right now. She desperately needed sleep and a refill of her meds, maybe this was just an effect of her disorder that the meds had stifled. Yes, that was probably it. Just side effects.

Just. Side. Effects.

After deciding on a time to finish their English homework tomorrow Lottie let Nat out. She quickly checked the doors and windows before going to sleep, desperately hoping to drift off to some faraway land that didn’t feel as heavy.

Chapter Text

About an hour ago, after her parents did their usual check to see if she was doing her homework like she was supposed to, Lottie quickly unlatched her window and opened it just enough inches to let Nat’s hand through.

Now Lottie was waiting very patiently. And with patiently she meant checking the clock every thirty seconds. It was currently five o’clock.

Lottie was not patient.

Her head was hanging over the edge of the bed, hair flowing onto the wooden floor. She was starting to feel dizzy, but maybe if she blacked out Nat would be here by the time she woke up again. At some point her room started to slightly tilt. Just ignore it, she’d probably forgotten to take her meds this morning. She could probably still manage to sneak some before Nat arrived.

Going down the stairs when this dizzy was a stupid idea. She managed to avoid both a head injury and a schizophrenic episode before returning back to her room.

After a good thirty more minutes of anxious waiting she heard a rustling noise outside of her window.

When she was a small child Lottie had always been so excited to have a tree with low hanging branches outside of her window. In her imagination her teenage years would be filled with friends sneaking in through that tree, but in reality that tree had never been used for anything other than obscuring her view of the sunset. Now was the time someone finally used it.

The first thing Lottie saw were some black, chipped nails, followed by knuckles dripping in rings, the rings that always made Lottie’s cheeks burn. The fingers curled around the bottom of the window and slowly pushed it further open, far enough to let Nat through.

She’d clearly done this before. If Lottie were to try she’d probably land on her ass and break something on the way down. Nat on the other hand contorted her body in ways that shouldn’t be humanly possible and was inside in seconds.

“Have you ever thought about the sneaking in Olympics?” Lottie commented, amused. She tried to ignore the feeling of immediate relief when she saw Nat’s face.

“I’m a natural,” Nat replied with a smug look.

Lottie on the other hand, was not a natural. She almost fell off of the roof of her two story home on the way down before feeling Nat’s hands wrap around her waist.

“Easy princess,” Nat smirked. “I’m the one that’s supposed to die by falling off of a roof. You’re gonna die in some dudes arms like Aurora,”

“Oh god no,” Lottie wasn’t sure why she didn’t want that. That sounded good right? Dying in the love of her life’s arms?

They continued on trying to get down with only a handful more mishaps, all Lottie’s doing.

“So, which way are we going?” Lottie asked when they safely got down on the pavement. She’d only gotten a few minor scratches from when one of the branches decided to stick itself into her upper arm.

Nat wasn’t the one to give up information that quickly, so Lottie just had to trust that Nat wouldn’t lead her into some kind of cult.

She did trust Nat.

After a good while of walking they managed to reach the tattoo parlor, which Nat had led them too.

Lottie had always thought piercing and tattoo places looked weird. They never looked quite up to hygiene standards and always felt like at least one person had died there. This one was quite tasteful though, it only felt like a mild injury.

Velvety red curtains were hanging above the brick windowsill displaying various creepy handmade clay pieces. She could see photographs of previous works hanging on the walls and the chair seemed surprisingly comfortable. It still seemed cool enough to be a tattoo parlor, but without the stench of death hanging around like a cursed aura.

When they opened the door a bell chimed like they’d entered a bookstore. Except there weren’t books, just a shitton of workers with varying levels of body modifications.

Nat walked up to a man with one dangly earring, at least a thousand dollars worth of tattoos and confidence that probably paid for all of said tattoos.

“Hey Mack, I wanted to get my belly button pierced,” Nat announced as soon as the guy turned around. They seemed to know each other, which made Lottie’s stomach turn. Was this a friend she didn’t know about?

“Whose the other one?” The guy asked, clearly referring to her. The more he opened his mouth, the bigger the urge to punch him became.

“The ‘other one’ has a name,” Nat started, imitating his tone. The asshole raised his eyebrows.

“She’s my friend, Lottie,” Nat clarified when it became clear he wasn’t gonna ask.. On one hand Lottie felt good that Nat defended her, but on the other hand the word friend left a sour taste in her mouth.

She was expecting at least a best friend.

They were led up to a table by the guy who she just learned was named Mack.

Even before the actual appointment began he had been acting weird with Nat. Lottie did not like it, she wanted to protect Nat.

The moment Nat was on the table Mack pulled up her shirt, causing Nat to shift in discomfort. Lottie tried to resist telling him off, opting to grab Nat’s hand for support instead.

Once they’d agreed on a placement he started talking to her in something that felt suspiciously flirty while getting the tools ready.

“Belly button piercings are a hot girl thing,”

“I’m sure your boyfriend will love it,”

“It’s only gonna hurt a little, baby, but I’m sure you can handle it,”

All being said in a tone that Lottie could only describe as lust thinly veiled by fake intrigue.

When he finally got his supplies ready he did something that really ticked off Lottie. She hated him from the minute they walked in, but this was it.

“Let’s just get you moved over,” He said, trying to grab her by the waist and lift her like she was a piece of furniture inconveniently in his walking path.

“Can you quit manhandling her? You’re here to pierce her, not to fuck her,” she knew she souldn’t cause a scene, she just had to push through it, even thought the urge to dropkick him became stronger by the minute.

This was the first time he’d looked at her throughout the entire appointment.

“Look princess, your little lesbo fantasies aren’t gonna come true. Natalie here needs someone that can treat her well,” he said with a disgusting smirk on his face. That was it, that was the line.

“Listen here you douchebag, she’s a fucking human being and the whole power play thing you’ve got going on isn’t hot, it’s masoginistic and makes you look like you’re compensating,”

Okay that was stupid, surely they’d get kicked out. Weirdly she didn’t really feel guilty though. The little fire that had slowly been burning her insides throughout the appointment suddenly dimmed as well.

Even though Nat looked a little taken back, she seemed grateful. Lottie was glad she didn’t upset her, because she was just trying to protect her friend. Even if she’d only known the friend for a short time.

Luckily the manager agreed with Lottie when she recounted her side of the story after the guy had called him. He said he’d handle Mack and offered to get them a new employee.

Only a few minutes later they were back at a piercing station. This time the employee had Nat decide how she wanted to lay, get her shirt out of the way herself and gave her a little mirror to check if everything was going okay. Something was still wrong though? Why was this random woman being so weird to Nat.

She was being nice. Obviously she was, she wanted to make money, but Lottie didn’t like it. Everything Nat and Lottie had been together was just them against the world. Now there was this third person trying to invade their bubble, trying to take Nat from her.

Lottie just kept biting her tongue to keep her mouth shut. She only realized she was doing it after the taste of iron penetrated her mouth.

The woman carefully checked the placement before getting the needle out.

“Hand please, Lottie,” she heard Nat say. Her heart almost jumped out of her chest. She quickly rushed over to grab onto Nat’s hand, which was surprisingly sweaty.

She registered Nat’s hand pressing onto hers harder at the same time that she saw the needle go in. Nat’s face contorted a little before relaxing again, letting up on the pressure on Lottie’s hand. The worker quickly slipped in a piece of shiny jewelry though some kind of confusing tube. Lastly the fresh wound was disinfected and Nat was handed some kind of ‘how to take care of a fresh piercing’ pamphlet.

Lottie knew it was impolite to stare, her mother had made sure of that, but she couldn’t help it. Nat seemed to be happy with her new piercing, so Lottie was too. That was the only reason Lottie was happy with it. The only reason.

Nat deserved to be happy for once.

Lottie made an attempt to pay for her, but was unsurprisingly pushed away by Nat handing the shop owner a bill that came from god knows where.

“Please just let me pay for you, just once. You know my parents won’t give a fuck,” Lottie complained while she pushed against the door, causing the bell to ring again. It made Lottie feel like it was Christmas.

Nat didn’t answer.

“You’re so stubborn,” Lottie sighed.

The moment the words left her mouth at least three things happened simultaneously. She heard a scarily loud bang that seemed to come from somewhere further up the street, she noticed Nat stiffening next to her and she felt a hand reach towards hers instinctively.

For a few seconds neither of them moved, then Lottie spun her body, balancing on just her left foot to hold Nat, embracing her in a hug, catching the wave of vanilla and liquor that she’d noticed before. Nat’s hair was really soft, she knew that already, but she was still surprised, especially after the bleach.

“You’re okay. You’re safe. Some douche bag probably pushed over a trash can or something,” She said in a desperate attempt to soothe the girl.

“You absolute dipshits,” Lottie yelled towards the general direction that the noise came from, which managed to get a dry chuckle out of Nat. Her breathing had evened out, but Nat being Nat, she still seemed ashamed.

Lottie knew she couldn’t change that right now, but she hoped that Nat was comfortable enough around her to realize she didn’t have to be strong all the time.

“I’ve said it before, but you curse so fucking much for a rich girl,” Nat deflected, Lottie knew she had to accept it…for now.

“Yeah, that tends to happen when you’re not allowed to say ‘jeez’ in your household, cus thou shalt not use thy lord's name in vain or something. You’re the only one I can let it out around without worrying about it somehow managing to get back to my parents that I committed the grave sin of saying damn,” Lottie explained, carefully untangling the hands behind Nat’s back again.

Her body was still pressed weirdly close to the other girls, but they weren’t quite hugging anymore. She could feel the curve of Nat’s body as well as the denim fabric of her jeans digging into Lottie’s hip. Her body wasn’t reacting normally to this. Her brain was short circuiting.

Close contact just made her uncomfortable. Deep down she knew that wasn’t true, but she needed it to be. She tried to ignore the memory of laying on top of Jackie during sleepovers, the memory where none of this panic was happening. She liked close contact.

Just breathe…

Chapter Text

Oh.

Oh.

Lottie had finally realized it. This wasn’t the first time she’d thought about Nat in this way, not even close, but it was the first time she fully allowed herself to do so. The first time she didn’t push that part of herself so far down that she could feel it in her stomach.

Her parents were out of town for the evening, probably to some fancy meeting that cost more than all of her friends' yearly vacations combined. It felt like she could finally breathe again.

“As Nat’s self proclaimed best friend, I think you should pin her up to the nearest wall and kiss her,” Van chimed up from somewhere in Lottie’s closet.

Lottie had called her during a panic attack after it finally became clear to her that she wasn’t gonna be able to get herself to calm down on her own.

The other girl had answered sounding vaguely confused about a Matthew’s calling her, but quickly came around when she heard Lottie’s choked sobs. She was now standing in Lottie’s room for the second time this week. Two times more than all the other weeks that came before.

“Just wear one of these billion dresses and charm her like no man has before,” Van emerged from the closet holding a long, silky red dress that Lottie had forgotten existed.

Deep down she’d probably realized it years earlier, but she still couldn’t admit it to herself. Maybe if she’d just try hard enough, she could find a man that would make all of these feelings disappear.

The man would have great hair, a nice personality, a sense of humor and some ethereal eyes. That was all she needed from a man, in theory. The problem wasn’t the boys at school, they were fine, some of them even considered her opinions sometimes. The problem was men.

The problem was men.

That had never been a sentence spoken in their household. Especially not in the context of the romantic preference their daughter had, but not even in the context of her father making a mistake.

Her father raised his voice? Well, what did his wife and daughter do to provoke him?

Her father messed something up? He’d make a few calls talking about his ‘bimbo wife’ and his life’s problems would be fixed.

He wanted sex? He got sex. It had been a long day after all.

Lottie didn’t have anything against men, they could be nice sometimes, but she couldn’t find it in herself to feel anything for them, no matter how hard she tried.

And if god existed, he knows she tried. She couldn’t count the amount of times she was staring up at her ceilings, grabbing at the skin that covered her body, praying she could just take it off and try on someone else’s.

At a certain age she decided that love wasn’t a privilege she was destined to have. She could choose someone, anyone. Shane was nice for a jock?

Now Van was standing in her room. Someone so unapologetically herself, or as much as someone who would get death treats on the daily if she truly was herself could be. Lottie felt like maybe she could finally try and slowly unravel the ball that had been forming in her stomach.

“I don’t know if I can say it out loud,” Lottie mumbled, looking away.

Pathetic. Not only was she gross and inhumane, she couldn’t even say it out loud. She’d never had a reaction this extreme to anything, she didn’t think it affected her this much.

Her hand trembled as she tried to take the dress from Van’s hands. Before she could get it she felt a warm hand in hers, holding it still.

“You don’t have to,” Van assured her, looking at her with a knowing look that made Lottie shiver. She knew, Lottie was sure now.

“But am I right? Because the yearning is hurting me. I’ll get radiation poisoning from the looks you guys give each other behind my back in class,” Van pushed further a little.

She was right and Lottie knew it.

“If the fuckers in this town didn’t assume a man and a women were the key to life they’d already be planning your wedding, because my god it’s obvious,” Van wasn’t holding back now.

She’d seemingly decided to give her full honest feelings right now, saving the inevitable comforting for later.

“I don’t know,” Lottie wasn’t usually one to use word shields like ‘I don’t know’, but she couldn’t manage to admit her feelings right now.

Van looked at her with such compassion in her eyes, but stayed silent.

“Fine,” Lottie said. A salty tear dripped into her mouth. “I think I like her,” that was the most she could say.

“That’s okay. She’s good for you, I haven’t seen you this happy, ever,” Van observed. It was true, Nat made her feel genuinely safe and seen. Nat made her feel warm inside.

“I’m terrified,” Lottie admitted. If Van was just a few steps further away she probably wouldn’t have heard it.

“I’m scared shitless too. It makes sense that you’re scared when loving someone could get you killed,” Van explained.

Loving someone. Loving Nat. Holding her in her arms while brushing through her bleach damaged hair. Kissing her until she was dizzy underneath the bleachers she used to avoid like the plague. Having Nat underneath her fingertips, begging. Moaning her na-

“Yeah no that makes sense,” Lottie abruptly cut off her thoughts. What the fuck? She knew liking Nat wasn’t wrong, even though it didn’t feel that way, but being horny about someone she knew didn’t like her felt weird.

They sat in silence for a little bit, Van looking her way every so often. Lottie knew that actually admitting it out loud would feel good, but she didn’t know that she would physically feel the weight being lifted off of her chest.

The weight was quickly replaced by more fear though. Fear of disappointing her parents, fear of loving someone who didn’t love her back, fear of people finding out someone, becoming a social pariah. The fear consumed her.

Suddenly the faint sound of humming cut through her thoughts. Van was standing next to her CD player, having probably put something in while Lottie wasn’t looking.

If you, if you could return

“Nat told me you liked the Cranberries and music helps me calm down, so I thought I could… I’m sorry I shouldn’t have touched your stuff,” Van mumbled. She’d never seen Van being awkward.

The similarity between Van and Nat when it came to touching her things was scary. Lottie knew she was privileged, but it still stung when she saw how the two treated her house like a museum.

“You’re fine. Although I don’t know where your fingers have been,” Lottie joked, making a disgusted look appear on Van’s face.

“Yeah, I officially am not helping you get with her,” Van turned to face her, shot her a joking dirty look and turned around to walk away.

“No, come back. Don’t you want your gremlin to be happy with the amazing Lottie Matthew’s?” Lottie whined.

She could almost feel Van’s smile. “She really is a gremlin,”

For the next hour Van allowed her to rant about Nat. Lottie tried to be as respectful as possible, but she word ‘hot’ slipped out of her mouth a few times.

“I wanna lay next to her and count her acne scars,” Lottie mentioned at one point. She felt like a teenage girl desperately in love with a mediocre boy, which was accurate, except boy the mediocre boy part.

“Oh, you’re far gone. Oh my god,” Van looked at her with so much love. “But I’m happy for you. That’s one of the most romantic things I’ve ever heard,”

After talking about both Nat and Tai for a while, Van told her she had to go home before her mother woke up. She made up some excuse about her mom working night shifts and sleeping during the day, but from what Lottie had heard from Nat, she was fairly certain Van’s mother was about to wake up from being knocked out drunk.

Lottie let the girl out and wished her luck, before walking over to the kitchen to get herself something to drink.

While the people coming over to parties at her house often had complaints about the lack of alcohol in their house, she was now kind of grateful her parents didn’t have any. They weren’t that bad of parents, they just cared about their reputation, that’s all. At least they weren’t drunks.

She decided to lay on the couch for a while, slowly sipping from her tea until she eventually fell asleep thinking about a particular set of blue eyes.

——

She woke up to birds chirping outside of the windows, but something felt wrong. It was unusually quiet, her parents should be home by now.

She groggily got up, only to realize she wasn’t in her bedroom. The events of yesterday quickly rushed back. 

Van knew.

On one hand she was relieved, someone finally knew, someone she sort of trusted. On the other hand she felt exposed, naked, scared.

Her legs were a bit shaky underneath the weight of her body. When she finally managed to walk the few feet to the kitchen without toppling over she saw a neatly folded up note.

Her name was scrawled onto the piece of paper with a swirly L.

Charlotte,

The client was very impressed, he wanted us to do more work. The only available meeting time was today up until noon. You’re going to have to eat something and keep the house clean.

Ps : we’re going to have a talk about the couch situation when we get back.

She crumpled up the note and tried to throw it in the trash. Her terrible aim resulted in the paper landing no less than five feet away from the trash can, luckily she did soccer instead of basketball.

This wasn’t the first time this had happened, at least her parents had bothered to come home and leave a note this time. At least this gave her the opportunity for some freedom.

The landline caught her attention.

Nat.

A few minutes later she heard the click up someone answering the phone.

“Who is this?” Nat’s voice floated through the phone. Her voice sounded raspier than normal, almost scratchy. Her morning voice was so attractive. Lottie had to regain her composure before answering.

“It’s Lottie, sorry if I scared you,” she managed to get out, before going back to focusing on Nat’s voice.

“No you didn’t, this phone just hadn’t actually been used in months,” Nat explained.

“Well, why the hell did you give me the number then?” Lottie played up her frustration

“I don’t know, I didn’t think you’d actually call?” Nat said, playing along with the bickering.

“Do you wanna come over? My parents bailed on me again,” Lottie asked before she lost her courage.

“I don’t think bailing is the right word for your parents straight up abandoning you, but I’d love to,” her voice somehow managed to go lower on the last few words. They were almost fragile.

“Great,” Lottie said, quickly hanging up.

Why did she do that? Could she manage to be around Nat right now without absolutely freaking out? At least her parents weren’t home to make it worse.

Luckily the morning ended up going fine. They didn’t even really do anything, but by the time Nat had to go to avoid Lottie’s parents seeing her, Lottie felt fulfilled.

Being around Nat just made her feel good.