Work Text:
Cold waves of Vistula glowed faintly under warm electric streetlights. Boats slowly swang on the dark water. This place seemed to be so hollow and dead, as if it wasn`t in a big city at all, but in the middle of nowhere. Now all the streets were empty at night. The whole city was paralysed by this overpowering hollowness and freezing fear, which had bound every little thing. It loosened his grip at day, but it still was there like a constant reminder about a menacing danger.
People were shackled these days. No one seemed to be geniune, no one seemed to be real . They laughed, joked, talked, but it wasn't natural. People acted as usual, but something wasn't right.
Behind all those words and small talks was something hidden. Disturbing. Shameful. Fear finally utterly captured people’s minds.
Robert tried to act like them. Like everything was as it had been before, like nothing happened, but it didn’t help to avoid people’s attention completely. There still were disgusted and disappointed glances, there still were quiet rumors here and there, which he disregarded. Everything was like a neverending chain of constantly repeating actions, in which he only had to do his tasks properly without thinking. Just like a small detail of a huge mechanism controlling the whole country. He didn’t talk much. He didn’t want to get more attention, more looks with suspects.
He thought he would be fired after all he had done, however his father had different plans for him. So every single evening, when Halinka left the police station, he looked through millions of files, trying to figure out where Arek could go. He didn’t lose his hope to find him, he needed to, he made a promise. Maybe, it was the only reason he was coming to work. He didn’t care anymore. He didn’t bother about being a family disappointment and about breaking his engagement. It wasn’t important at all now. Somehow he became so careless after that night, as if everything lost its’ sense in one day. His career, everything he worked for didn’t matter at all. Everything was gray now.
It’s been a while since the last night he saw him. Probably three days or five. He lost the count. Arek was nowhere to be found. Maybe it was for the better. Maybe at least he would be safe for some time. Robert wasn’t even sure if Arek wanted to see him again. Anyway, as long as they’re apart the police wouldn’t find him. It was the only thing that calmed Robert down.
People asked him about some cases. He answered. People wanted him to check the documents. He did. People didn’t mean anything to him anymore. They only judged. They wanted everyone to be like them. They were afraid of differences. They killed others because they didn’t fit their ideals. Robert got sick of it. He didn’t really know who he was now. They made him be someone they wanted him to be. They would ruin the lives of others until they were “as they should be”. Robert wished he had understood it earlier, so probably he might have changed everything.
Now he saw it. He saw it perfectly. They had been cultivating this freezing fear for years. He was too blind to see it. They would kill anybody in order to threaten, they would imprison and torture thousands, because they didn’t share outlooks with the leading party. And all this time Robert was a part of this inhumane system, thinking that he had been helping. Finally he’d got a chance to leave it.
Sometimes he wondered why they couldn’t scare Arek. Something kept the fear away from him. Maybe he simply was tired of being afraid all the time. They all had enough of constant fear and anxiety, which didn’t leave them even in their dreams. Arek just wanted to get rid of it, to finally feel freedom. This place at all wasn’t a place for him.
But Arek was the only person who could help him to get out of this, so Robert looked through hundreds of files per day hoping he would find something which would give him any tips in his search. He knew Arek wasn’t at home. He didn’t see him at university either. Arek’s address and his phone number were the only means of connection he had, but now they were completely useless. People started to look at him with suspects again, when Wojtek noticed him in the files archive without Halinka’s presence. He pretended like nothing happened. He finally learned to ignore people’s looks and judgements. Arek showed him how to do it.
After a couple of days he finally found at least something, despite Wojtek’s advice to give up. It wasn’t much, just a small piece of paper in Tadek’s file with an address and a capital letter “M” on it. Robert wasn’t sure if they kept their eyes on Maciek too, but he couldn’t deny it either. There were so many things hidden about this case that Robert wouldn’t be even surprised if it was so. After all he wouldn’t lose anything, if he tried to check his theory. Even if the address didn’t have anything in common with Maciek he could always say he came from the police.
Robert thought he would try someday. At least, he wouldn’t lose anything.
*
Streets of Warsaw shone under faint moonbeams and yellow, almost warm, streetlights. But they all were empty. Seemed like everybody had hidden from something perilous, from something that could kill the whole population during one night. It haunted. Chased. Waited in the darkest corners of the city. Put its knives into people’s bodies, leaving nothing, but silent screams of its victims. Seemed like even the shabby walls of old prewar blocks felt its presence. Seemed like fear had already captured everything here.
Robert went through the darkness of the city trying to find the proper building among the endless maze of similar ones. Hundreds of brown walls with erased addresses didn’t help much. Robert wished he could have gone from work a bit earlier, but he didn’t want more suspects. Moreover there would be questions about his not coming home at night. Sometimes he felt like he was still a teenager because of this, but couldn’t do anything. It annoyed him.
“You can’t be scared of liberty”
Within another fifteen minutes of wandering he seemed to finally see a blue board with the proper address hanging on one of the walls. With a bit of uncertainty Robert went in the proper entrance, going up the stairs. Corridors of the building were softly lightened by tiny beams of yellow streetlights; it wasn’t too hard to see, so Robert tried not to use a torch in order not to disturb anyone. He did his best to walk as quietly as he could, but steps under his feet squeaked annoyingly. It was so quiet here, that it seemed like every little sound could be heard in every place of this house. Robert just prayed that he wouldn’t wake anyone up.
After a couple of floors he reached the doors he needed. Robert inhaled deeply, trying to calm himself down. He still wasn’t sure if he was doing the right thing. He could make a mistake. He could mess up buildings, floors or even flats. After all, he wasn’t sure if Arek wanted to see him at all. Maybe he had changed his mind and wished to forget about everything by now. Maybe he was already out of the country.
Taking a deep breath and driving all his doubts away, Robert knocked quietly and nervously. He heard slow steps inside and then the sound of a key turning from the other side. “Arek said you will come”, said Maciek tiredly as he opened the door.
Suddenly Robert felt a little uncomfortable, he didn’t mean to bother anyone. “I’m sorry for coming this late. Wish I could come earlier”, said Robert quickly and, to his surprise, almost under his breath.
But Maciek didn’t look angry or annoyed. “Come in”, he invited kindly with a slight smile and then added, “Thank you for saving him”.
Robert nodded. “Is he alright?”.
“Not really, but he will be soon. His leg is badly injured, so Arek better not walk for several days”, said Maciek with a tone of condolence.
Robert breathed a sigh of relief. At least Arek was okay - well, not really, but he could have been in a much worse state - and it made the whole situation a little bit easier. Well, maybe it did. At least Robert didn’t have any worries anymore.
“Come in, don’t be shy”, he heard Maciek’s voice and shuddered, detached from his thoughts. He suddenly realised that he stood stupidly in the doorway looking in nowhere. “Arek is probably sleeping, but I don’t think he would mind if you stay” Maciek smirked.
Robert smiled slightly, taking off his shoes.
“The second door on the left”.
“Thanks”, Robert replied quietly as he slipped into a dark room. It took a couple of minutes for his eyes to get used to the darkness. He stood still near the door, listening to the sounds of silence, which were interrupted by a calm breathing in the corner. He barely spotted golden curls on the other side of the room, and something squeezed inside him. Arek slept in the furthest corner on a couch curled up under a blanket.
Robert froze. He tried to imagine this moment a hundred times, but now he felt so lost like never before. He still doubted if Arek wanted to see him at all. Maybe, well, just maybe, if he was Arek he would probably hate himself for all lies and all shit he got them into. But Arek was different. He couldn’t be angry with someone for a long time, and somehow Robert knew it. So perhaps, one try worthed it?
Arek mumbled quietly in his sleep, throwing the blanket on the floor. Robert carefully approached him, sitting down on the end of the couch. He slightly petted Arek’s hair. Arek mumbled something under his breath again, but didn’t wake up.
“See”, Robert whispered. “I haven’t lied this time”.
He was just about to lift up the blanket, when Arek suddenly grabbed him by his arm.
“I knew you'd come”, he said with a sleepy voice.
“At least I tried. As you can see successfully”, Robert said smiling and covering Arek with the blanket. Under a dim light of moonbeams he saw a bandage on Arek’s leg and his heart squeezed again. “Does it hurt?” he asked, pointing to the wound.
“Just a bit”, Arek smiled back.
Robert nodded and sighed heavily. He looked at everything he could just not to look in Arek’s eyes. He still felt shame.
Having noticed this, Arek pulled his hand slightly. “You okay?”.
“Yes”, Robert answered. “Just thinking”.
It was Arek’s turn to nod.
“I’m sorry for all troubles I’ve got you into”, Robert said finally. “I shouldn’t have lied to you”, he muttered quietly, but Arek heard it.
“If you hadn’t done it, we probably wouldn’t have got to know each other. And besides, I lied to you too” Arek replied. “It could have been worse or better, but all these past possibilities don’t matter now. We have only what we’ve got, and I’m glad everything finished this way”.
Arek moved a little bit, making free space, and Robert lied next to him.
“So”, Robert continued. “Any plans for the future?”
“Oh, it’s a hard question”, Arek smiled. “I have been thinking about moving to Western Germany, but it will be a bit hard to do, so we’ll better stop somewhere in Szczecin. Erm… if you want to come with me, of course”.
“Only with you”, Robert whispered, petting Arek’s curls.
They hugged, listening to the breathing of each other and falling asleep. Robert rubbed his nose against Arek’s neck, and Arek smiled softly, pulling him closer.
“We all make mistakes”, he whispered. “But they cease to be important, when we can learn from them and make the choice we think is right”.