Work Text:
It’s cold.
Nat tries to push every other thought out of her head as she stumbles through the snow. This could be their last chance of getting rescued, and girls back at camp are risking everything so she can be here right now. The urgency of it all fuels her to move quicker even as her legs begin to ache.
But it’s so cold and she’s so very tired.
The weight of everything they’ve done threatens to drag her down as she fights to keep going. Some would say they were doomed from the moment their plane fell out of the sky, that everything that’s led to this point was destiny or fate or some other uncontrollable force they couldn’t fight. Nat knows better. Every moment they could have done something different flashes before her. Times they could have been smarter, planned better, been more thoughtful. Times they could have just been kinder. The thought of every person they've lost for no good reason puts a nauseating twist in her stomach that makes her steps falter.
Keep moving Nat, they need you. They need their leader.
She’s not sure where that thought comes from. Nat hasn’t been in charge since Ben, and even when she was, it’s not like they needed her specifically to call the shots. No, anyone could have sat there and watched as they tore each other apart and welcomed the chaos of it all with open arms. All of her good intentions meant jack shit when it really mattered, when they could have been home already if she had been a better leader.
The wind howls around her and Nat struggles to keep the same pace against the wall of frigid air that threatens to knock her over. She swaps the case to her right hand, shaking out the numbness that had started creeping into her left hand. She had stopped once it got dark and tried to rest, if only to make sure she had enough energy to climb as high as she could but sleep never came to her and she was back at it before the sun was up again. She has no idea how much ground she’s covered at this point. Hell, she doesn’t even know if their ruse actually worked. It was more than possible that Shauna could come flying out of the tree line like an unbridled demon any second. That makes her feel even more tired and, not for the first time, Nat wonders just how much more fight she has inside her.
Come on, you used to move faster than this to be the first one on the bus.
Nat shakes her head. Again, another thought that doesn’t quite feel like her own. Though she can’t say it’s exactly wrong. She did have a preferred seat on the team bus and everyone knew it. It’s not like she was actually superstitious, but the one time she didn’t sit in the left seat four rows back they lost to the lowest ranked team in their division. After that she made sure to sit there every time without fail. And if she ever bit anyone’s head off for trying to sit there, it was for the good of the team. Besides, that only happened once or twice. Three times at most. It was captain’s orders or whatever.
Captain. She has to swallow back a lump in her throat. Their captain wouldn’t have let half the things they’ve done actually happen. It's hard to believe it’s been a year since everything went to shit. Well, more shit than being in a plane crash and stranded in the middle of nowhere. They used to be a team. A real team. None of this wilderness and cannibal bullshit. Just a group of girls playing soccer. Together.
Another five minutes or three hours pass. At some point she makes it past the thickest of the trees, the only thing ahead of her white sheets of never-ending snow. The ascent is getting harder with each passing breath, her lungs and muscles begging her to take a break. It’s almost a relief when she trips and meets the ground head on. Under different circumstances the image of her lying face first in a pile of snow would be embarrassing, yet in this moment she can feel her body screaming for her to embrace it and stay down.
Maybe this is how it’s supposed to go. Better people have met harsher fates and at least she can say she tried. Tried and failed, but tried, nonetheless. Because at the end of the day people like her don’t really get to be the hero, and maybe it was stupid of her to even think success was a possibility for her. Maybe they’d all be better off if she just stopped trying to intervene.
“Don’t tell me you’re gonna just lie there.”
The voice sends shockwaves through her systems. After being alone this entire journey, the presence of anyone else would have been a surprise, but that voice specifically feels like a punch to the gut. She’d recognize it anywhere, after any amount of time. Nat looks up slowly, the sun blinding her for a second before a face comes into view. She’s met with an all too familiar smile. It’s impossible, yet it’s happening, and her brain doesn’t quite know how to process it.
“Jackie?”
The question comes out more like a gasp, the shock coursing through her system. Jackie is standing in front of her looking very much alive and not at all like the frozen corpse that haunts her dreams. The sun shining behind her makes her look like an angel, and yeah Nat is pretty sure she died because what else could possibly be happening right now?
“What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Jackie’s smile widens, a small chuckle slipping past her lips.
Nat pushes herself up to her knees and stares at the other girl for a moment before screaming, “Fuck!” Her fist meets the ground as she lets out her frustration. “Motherfucker! Why? Fucking why? Fuck this!” She punches the ground again and again with each word.
“Whoa, Nat stop, you're gonna hurt yourself.” The figure in front of her takes a step forward, reaching a hand out, but Nat scrambles backwards dodging her touch.
“Stay away from me, whatever the fuck you are!” Nat grabs the case holding the only means to their salvation and squeezes it tightly to her chest. “I’m not going out like this! I'm getting up this mountain and calling for help!”
Jackie tilts her head, hazel eyes filled with confusion. “What exactly do you think is going on?”
“You’re here to drag me to hell obviously.” Nat stands and holds her chin up in an attempt to look more confident than she feels in this moment. “I set out to do something and I won’t let you take me until I get it done.”
Jackie almost instantly doubles over in laughter. The sound feels like a shock of cold water to the face after so long.
“You’re not dead,” Jackie says, straightening back up, “and I’m not here to stop you.”
Nat crosses her arms. “If I’m not dead, then how the hell am I talking to a dead girl? ”
“Do you feel dead, dingbat?”
“How exactly would I know what being dead feels like, genius?”
“Well, you could probably use your big brain and take a wild guess that it feels like not being alive.”
“Oh wow, thanks for that great insight. Super helpful.”
Their banter is reminiscent of another time, and the ease at which she slips back into it almost makes Nat forget the dire situation she’s in. Jackie’s grinning at her as if she’s also missed having these types of interactions, which isn’t possible, but still makes Nat’s head feel fuzzy. That brings her right back to reality.
“I don’t even know why I’m entertaining this.” She shakes her head and starts walking again, making a wide berth around her dead captain. “If I’m not dead, then I’ve clearly lost it and there's no point wasting time trying to figure this shit out.”
Jackie follows her, quickly falling into step. “You think you’ve lost your mind, but you’re still trying to get help for the others?” Nat ignores the question, but it only makes Jackie grin again. “Strong and silent as ever, I’ve always admired that about you.”
She tries to keep her eyes focused directly in front of her, but the presence next to her is hard to ignore, especially when she starts humming. Nat knows the song after just the first couple of notes. It takes everything in her to not start crying. Her ability to ignore the noise only lasts a couple of minutes.
“Knock it off.”
“I’m not doing anything.” Jackie’s voice is dripping with feigned innocence.
Nat grits her teeth. “You know exactly what you’re doing.”
“Well, if you’re not going to talk to me, how else am I supposed to keep myself entertained?” She picks her humming back up, getting louder with each note.
“Fine!” Nat relents and turns her head slightly so she can see the other girl better as they walk. “Let’s say I’m not insane and I’m not dead. Then how the hell do you explain this?”
“Easy, I watched you face plant in the snow and thought you should know that someone did actually see it.”
“Okay smartass.” She rolls her eyes. “So, being clumsy means I can talk to ghosts. Cool. Great. I’ll make sure to add it to my resume.”
Jackie suddenly looks over her shoulder, head moving like she’s searching for someone. Nat looks around too, her worry that Shauna managed to hunt her down popping back up. When Jackie turns back to her, she’s met with an amused smile. “I’m sorry you said ghosts, I was just looking around for the others.”
“Oh, fuck off Jackie.” She tries to stomp off, but Jackie easily keeps pace with her.
“Okay geez, I’m sorry.”
She’s laughing as she says it and Nat should be annoyed, but she can’t remember the last time that happened when Jackie was alive, so she just mutters, “Whatever,” and keeps walking, slowing her steps just a bit.
They walk in silence for a while, the snow crunching under their feet, and it isn’t until the ache in her arm is noticeable again that Nat's curiosity gets the better of her. “Why can I see you? I mean, out of everyone who may want to talk to you, why me?” They’ve all heard Shauna mutter her name in her sleep, but as far as she’s aware no one has ever seen Jackie while awake.
Jackie leans in close and whispers, as if there’s anyone else around to hear them, “It’s because you’re tapped in.” She gives her temple two quick taps with her pointer finger, a knowing smile on her face.
“That’s bullshit,” Nat scoffs and shakes her head, “there’s nothing to be tapped into. There’s no wilderness higher power or whatever the fuck.”
Jackie shrugs and says, “Believe what you want, but I meant what I said before. I’m here to help you.”
“You got a plane in your back pocket? ‘Cause at this point you’ve been more of a distraction than anything.”
Jackie waves her hand dismissively. “Distraction, encouragement, call it whatever you want. I found you trying to take a nap in the middle of a snow bank, and now you’re moving faster than you have in hours.”
She’s not wrong. Their pace has been consistent and it's easy to ignore her own depressing monologue when her brain is busy trying to commit to memory everything about Jackie in this current state. The last few images Nat has of her are seared so deeply into her mind and only induce nightmares and regret. Even if it is some exhaustion induced hallucination, there is a sense of comfort in seeing her be so…her.
The quiet has enveloped them again as Nat tries to make her staring not obvious and Jackie does the exact opposite. She’s looking at Nat with so much understanding and gentleness that she’s certain she doesn’t actually deserve it. Nat hears the words leave her mouth before she can stop them. “I’m sorry we weren’t on better terms at the end.”
She silently curses herself for opening that can of worms up. No amount of time in the world could make her prepared for the conversation ahead of them.
“That wasn’t really your fault,” Jackie says with a casual shrug, “I could be pretty bitchy when I wanted to.”
Nat scoffs, “Please you were the least bitchy out of all of us.”
“Maybe by your current standards.” Jackie snorts, clearly amused. “I may have missed out on the chance to go full nuclear with you guys, but I wasn’t exactly a fantastic person all the time.”
“Let’s not pretend that you on your worst day still isn’t better than us on one of our better days now.”
Jackie gives her a look that she can’t quite read. “Don’t be nice to me now just because I’m dead.”
The air leaves her lungs for a second because she’s again not completely wrong. “I’m not.” Nat presses her lips, trying to find the right words. “I’m just…” She’s not sure why it’s so hard to say the words out loud.
Jackie’s face morphs into something more sympathetic. “Tired?” She nods. “I know the feeling.”
Of course she does. She would have never admitted it before, but there was always something inside the two of them that spoke the same language. A language that no one else would ever be able to understand. Nat’s certain she’ll spend the rest of her life chasing the feeling of being known like that.
As if on cue, Jackie starts humming the same song from before and Nat can feel the tears building up. She wonders how shocked people would be to know they had a song just for them.
“Do you remember the first time we danced to this?” Jackie asks, a fond look on her face.
Of course she remembers. She remembers it all. She remembers everything so vividly, it's why she can't sleep at night. Why she may never be able to sleep properly again.
Nat clears her throat. “Uh, yeah. Of course.” Jackie looks at her like she wants her to keep going, so she does. “You spilled your shitty wine mixer on my new jacket and practically shoved me in the bathroom to help get it out. Except I did all the work.”
“Hey, I tried to help!” The twinkle in her eye is enough to make Nat’s stomach do flips. “You kept swatting my hands away.”
“Yeah because you were rubbing it in and making it worse!”
The memory of the two of them squished in some senior dude’s guest bath, tipsy and warm from the early summer air brings a smile to both their faces. It was the last day of junior year and Jackie was recently single for the hundredth time. She can still perfectly picture the way Jackie bit her lip in frustration when Nat yelled at her to go away. She remembers even more vividly the way Jackie’s face lit up at the sound of the song pouring through the door, and how she grabbed Nat’s hands and started dancing in the small, confined space. When she closes her eyes she can also still feel the way Jackie’s lips pressed to hers in an eager, but tender way as if she had been thinking of doing that for some time.
“I still can’t believe no one came to look for us. We weren’t exactly quick.” Jackie’s smiling when she says it, but the way she says no one it’s clear that she means one person in particular.
“Even if we were ever caught, it’s not like people would ever think that about you and me.” Nat tries to keep the disdain out of her voice. She used to be really good at pretending she didn’t give a fuck about whatever they were doing, but she’s too tired to still act like Shauna being on the receiving end of Jackie’s affection doesn’t bother her. Especially with everything that’s happened recently.
Jackie rolls her eyes, clearly clocking the jealousy. “Would it make you feel better if I said I’m pretty sure she did suspect something was going on?”
“Please, if Shauna even suspected we hung out without her for five minutes, she would have smothered me in my sleep months ago.”
“Well, it was more than five minutes.” Jackie’s smile grows as if she’s remembering exactly what took them so long.
“I’m aware. Drunk you had very little concept of time.”
“And drunk you is clingy.”
They’re silent for a moment as Nat huffs her way up a particular steep part of the terrain. She manages to get her heavy breathing somewhat under control once the path flattens out a bit.
“I used to tell myself it didn’t count.” Jackie admits, looking pensively ahead. “That because we were drunk and girls and not the best of friends, it was just this unserious thing that kept happening.”
She tries not to let the sting of the words show. It wasn’t like these weren’t things she hadn’t also told herself, but hearing the girl she harbored feelings for confirm her worst fears does still hurt.
“I wasn’t exactly begging you to declare your love for me.” Nat shrugs, trying to act nonchalant, even now. “Can’t really be blamed for not working through your secret gay feelings when you had a boyfriend and a way more toxic, homoerotic friendship to repress.”
Jackie hums and gives her a small, sad smile. “I would have liked the chance to try for real. With you.”
Nat feels her heart soar for a second then drop. All the things Jackie would never get a chance to do, and whatever it was between them made the list. She feels guilty for being pleased at that idea.
A pained look crosses Jackie’s face, but she quickly schools her features. Still, Nat can see the tension in her jaw. “Are you okay?”
“Peachy.” Jackie clicks her tongue then gestures towards the satellite phone. “Hey, did you want a hand with that?”
“You can do that?” The abrupt topic switch gives her pause. “Do you really want to?”
“No,” Jackie admits, “but I thought it’d be nice to offer. Besides, I like watching you do athletic things.” She’s smiling again as she winks at her.
Nat shakes her head, a smile of her own forming. “Glad to see you haven’t changed.” There’s a sincerity in her voice that she hopes Jackie knows is real.
“I was thinking the same thing about you.” Jackie’s voice grows soft. “I’ve seen what you guys have been through, and you’re still out here fighting for people. You’re still just Nat.”
Tears well up in her eyes again. She’s been trying so damn hard the whole time they’ve been here, and it’s never felt like enough. They’ll never be the exact same people they were before their flight crashed, but maybe there is hope that a little bit of those people are still inside them. All of them.
Nat tries to deflect, fighting against the heartache threatening to consume her. “So what, your thanks for not buying into the wilderness bullshit is a hell that involves watching the people who ate you be assholes for eternity? Not really sure that bodes well for the rest of us.”
“I don’t think hell lets you check in on the people you love.”
She knows Jackie is referring to all of them, and that makes her even more emotional. This time she can’t stop the tears from slipping out of her eyes.
“Fuck!” Her outburst makes Jackie flinch and the two come to a stop. “This is so fucking unfair!”
Jackie furrows her brow. “What is?”
“This!” Nat gestures around with her free hand. “All of this! That plane shouldn’t have fallen out of the sky, I shouldn’t be climbing a goddam mountain, and you shouldn’t be fucking dead!” Her chest is heaving as she finishes screaming into the vastness surrounding them, tears fully streaming down her face.
Jackie just gives her a small, sad smile. “But it did, you are, and I am. Nothing can change that.” She takes a step closer and raises a hand to gently wipe the tears from her face. Nat lets out a gasp at the sensation. Jackie moves even closer and cups her face with both hands. “You need to stay strong Nat.”
“I don’t want to keep fighting, it’s so hard.” She whispers it, ashamed to even voice the thought.
Jackie’s thumbs rub her cheeks reassuringly. “I know honey, but you’re the only one who can do this right now. They need you.” Another pained look crosses Jackie’s face and she lets out a shaky breath, but keeps going. “You are their leader Nat. Even if they can’t express it themselves, you’re their hope.”
Nat wants to argue, but the look in Jackie’s eye stops the protest in her throat. Instead, she just nods. Jackie holds her face for a moment longer, staring like she’s trying to etch this image of Nat in her mind, then moves to drop her hands. Nat quickly grabs one and interlaces their fingers. She doesn’t wait for Jackie’s reaction before she starts to walk again.
It’s getting harder to breathe and every muscle in her body is screaming, but the feel of Jackie’s hand in hers anchors her to the purpose ahead. She’s making it to the top of this mountain if it's the last thing she does.
At some point she can feel Jackie’s grip loosen slightly around hers, but it takes a while longer to notice that she’s also slowing down. Nat glances back, a joke about Jackie’s stamina dying on her lips as she takes in the other girl’s appearance. That pained look from before is back but stronger and her jaw is clenched like if she relaxes it, she’ll scream.
Nat stops walking again. “What’s wrong Jackie?”
Jackie shakes her head. “Nothing.”
She tries to continue on, but Nat stands firm. “Don’t lie to me.”
“I...” Jackie looks down as she trails off. “You have to keep going Nat.”
“We are.” Nat frowns and squeezes her hand. “We can take a break if you need it.” She’s not sure if ghosts actually need rest, but she’s not sure what else to offer.
Jackie looks back up and squares her shoulders, a look of resolve on her face. “No Nat, you have to keep going.”
Nat blinks as the meaning washes over her. She tightens her grip on Jackie’s hand and shakes head. “No, we can do this. It can’t be that much further.” Jackie’s silence makes the panic set in even quicker. “I don’t want to do this without you. Any of this. Please don’t make me.”
“I’ve already been here longer than I’m allowed,” Jackie says gently like she’s talking to a wild animal. “I’d stay if I could. Believe me Nat, I’ve never wanted to leave you.”
She wants to scream and cry and throw things, but she knows it won’t change anything. She’s lucky she got the chance to see Jackie at all, it’s selfish of her to ask for more. She wants to be selfish so badly, to cling to the other girl and never let go and join her wherever she is. That has to be better than what they’ve all been doing. Yet, she knows if she does that means leaving the others alone and doomed. She can’t do that to them, won’t do that to the girls she considers family, even after everything.
Instead, she swallows her deepest desires and forces them down. She lets her eyes take in every line of Jackie’s face one more time, then nods. “Aye, aye captain.”
Jackie smiles at her one last time. “Thank you.”
They both lean in, their lips brushing ever so delicately. For a moment in time, they’re just two girls in a bathroom kissing for the first time with their entire lives ahead of them. When Nat opens her eyes again, she’s alone.
She takes a second to collect herself then looks up at the vast, white incline ahead. With one deep breath, Nat takes a step forward, determined as ever to reach the summit.
For Jackie, for herself, and for their team.