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Cas’ first night back in the bunker is awkward. For him, at least. He feels like he doesn’t belong, like he shouldn’t be here. This is Sam and Dean’s home, not his. He learned long ago that he doesn’t really have a home and though Sam and Dean often tell him that he’s welcome here, Cas knows that it’s best he never stay in one place too long. Too much potential to cause trouble for them. And he’s already hurt them so much, he doesn’t know how much longer he can get away with being here without something else happening.
Luckily, Dean is very good at keeping him from thinking like that for too long. The hunter distracts him with menial tasks, like teaching him to do the laundry or cook food. Sam and Dean take him down to the shooting range that night after dinner to teach him a few things. Cas refuses to continue after firing the first shot though, because he’s afraid he’ll hurt someone on accident. Dean seems confident that he won’t, but Cas won’t take that chance.
There’s less chance of someone getting hurt when they settle in for movie night. There’s an ancient looking couch that was probably moved here when the Men of Letters built the place and surprisingly, it’s quite comfortable and stable. Dean sits down on it and Cas takes the seat next to him while Sam reclines in one of the comfier chairs he dragged in from the library.
Cas has a lot of pop culture knowledge in his head thanks to Metatron’s download, but Dean still thinks it’s necessary to educate him on the finer points of it. They watch the first Star Wars movie together and it’s nearly two in the morning when it finishes. Sam retires to his room - claiming he needs sleep after the long, stressful day - and Cas doesn’t blame him. Dean convinces him to watch one more movie and the hunter talks through most of it, but Cas can tell he’s getting tired.
“You can sleep,” Cas tells him when he spies Dean’s eyelids drooping. “I can watch over you.”
It’s the one thing I can do right , he thinks, though he doesn’t voice his thought aloud. For a moment, Dean looks like he might refuse, but he takes a second to think about it and then he shrugs.
“Why not?” he says, smiling and getting to his feet. He yawns loudly and then grabs Cas by the hand, leading him to his room.
Dean’s room is cozy and very neat. Cas has been in here a handful of times, but he’s never stayed the night before. He knows that this is probably a one time thing, so he tries to take in every detail - the picture on the nightstand, the typewriter on the desk, the books on the shelf, and the weapons mounted on the wall. All of them come together to form Dean’s home and Cas feels out of place, like he doesn’t belong here with all of the things the hunter holds dear to him.
“Do you really want me to stay?” Cas finds himself asking. He won’t fault Dean if he says no.
“Yeah.” Dean nods. “Now are you just going to stand there or are you going to come to bed?”
He’s surprised, to be honest. At most, he’d thought Dean would only allow him to watch from the chair in the corner of the room. But the hunter changes into his sleep clothes and climbs into bed, holding the covers open for Cas as if they do this every night. The thought sends a pang of want through his chest and he scolds himself internally. It’s dangerous to want such a thing from Dean, especially after everything that’s happened.
Yet as he walks towards the bed and hovers at the edge of it, he can’t help wondering what a domestic life with the hunter would be like. The image warms him more than he thought it would and he mentally shakes himself, trying not to get lost in a fantasy that will never come to fruition.
“You’re gonna sleep with your clothes on?” Dean asks as Cas starts to get on the bed.
“I...” Cas starts, looking down at himself, confused. He looks back at Dean. “You’re wearing clothes.”
“I’m wearing pajamas. There’s a difference,” the hunter says. Cas stares blankly at him and Dean just smiles softly before he gets up and goes to his dresser. He pulls out a pair of flannel pants and a faded plain gray t-shirt. He puts the clothes in Cas’ hands and when the angel just looks at them like he doesn’t quite know what to do, Dean laughs. “Put them on, Cas,” Dean instructs him. He reaches forward and pushes the coat off his shoulders. “You want help?” he jokes. He blushes a second later when he realizes what he’s just offered.
“I... I mean...” Dean backpedals and Cas finds it painfully endearing. He smiles and tells him it's fine, sparing Dean from elaborating what he meant. He shrugs the coat the rest of the way off and then undoes his tie. It slides off from around his neck with a fwish against fabric and he pauses, coat in one hand and tie in the other, unsure of where to put them.
“There’s a laundry hamper there,” the hunter points out, gesturing to a basket looking container next to the dresser. The lid is open and Cas tosses them across the room, watching them fall into the hamper. Dean raises an eyebrow and when Cas does the same with his shirt, he laughs. “You got pretty good aim,” he comments, looking back over to where Cas is starting to undo his belt buckle.
“Yes well, years of training in Heaven’s army will do that, I suppose,” Cas says conversationally. He doesn’t notice that Dean is staring at him until he removes his belt and tosses it over so it lands on top of the dresser instead of in the hamper. He pushes the button of his pants through its corresponding hole and then starts to tug down the zipper when Dean makes a noise sounding close to a whimper.
Cas looks up and sees Dean has fallen back onto the bed, an arm thrown over his eyes.
“Is something wrong?”
“No,” Dean says, his voice suddenly rougher. “Just. Carry on.”
Cas nods, though he keeps giving Dean curious looks as he changes. He sits down when he’s done and Dean finally moves his arm, relief and disappointment both strangely present on his face when he sees Cas dressed in pajamas.
“See? Feels comfy, right?”
Cas shrugs and smoothes a hand over his chest, feeling the soft fabric beneath as opposed to the stiffness of the white dress shirt he always wears.
“It’s nice,” he admits. Dean smiles and pats the bed next to him.
“Lie down,” he says. “It’s less weird if it’s like you’re sleeping next to me.”
He nods and lies down, resting his head on the pillow next to Dean’s. The hunter had taken one from another room on their way here and it’s softer than Cas would have imagined. Dean turns onto his side and for a few minutes, neither of them say a word. Dean doesn’t sleep either, or even try to. His eyes are open and the tiredness that was there before is nowhere to be seen.
“I was so scared,” Dean whispers after a while. “I was scared I was going to lose you.”
“You would have been better off that way,” Cas mumbles, eyes cast down.
“That’s bull.” Cas looks up to see Dean’s eyes alight with a fierceness that startles him. “That is the dumbest, most illogical thing I’ve ever heard. How would I have been better off without you?”
“I wouldn’t be around anymore to cause trouble,” Cas reasons. “You and Sam could live peacefully.”
“No. That’s not true,” Dean says vehemently. “Sam might take some time to adjust, but I... I couldn’t do it. There’s no peaceful life for me without you. I need you, Cas.”
“Why?” Cas still doesn’t understand. No matter how many times they tell him, he just can’t believe it. There’s no sense in keeping him around.
“Dammit, do I need to spell it out for you?” Dean asks, cheeks turning a light pink color.
Cas stares at him curiously, still confused by Dean’s words. He starts to understand a little more though, when the hunter reaches out and cups his cheek in a hand. Cas lets out a small gasp and Dean leans in closer. Their foreheads bump together and Dean closes his eyes. For some reason, Cas feels as though he should close his too and for some time, the only sound in the room is that of them breathing each other’s air quietly.
“You’re important to me,” the hunter finally murmurs. “I want you around because you make me happy. I... I know it’s selfish, but I just... whenever you’re here I feel so much better, like maybe we have a chance against everything the world sends our way. You make me stronger, Cas.”
“How do I do that?” Cas asks, puzzled. “You are already very strong.”
“I’m not talking muscles, angel,” Dean says, the slip of the name forgotten as quickly as it had been said. “I’m talking courage. Bravery. You make me feel like I can take anything on as long as you’re by my side.” He swallows and the hand on Cas’ cheek slides up in his hair. Dean inches closer and Cas feels electricity racing through him at the brush of the hunter’s lips against his. “You... you make me feel loved,” Dean whispers.
“That’s because I do love you,” Cas replies, heart pounding in his chest. He slides an arm around Dean’s waist, tugging him closer. “I have loved you for what feels like forever.”
Dean smiles, blushing harder than he had before.
“Yeah I...” he starts, eyes shining brightly. “I do too. L-Love you, that is.”
The urge to kiss Dean is almost overwhelming but he knows if he does that, then he’ll be well and truly lost. He won’t be able to stay away if he does this, but he wants to protect Dean from him. He pushes Dean away with a sad smile and the hurt look on the hunter’s face makes Cas want to burn his own eyes out.
“I’m sorry,” he says hoarsely. “But I can’t.”
“Why not?” Dean asks, voice rough.
“Because if we do this, I won’t be able to let go. I don’t want to hurt you, Dean, but if I stay here, if I... if I allow myself to have this and then something happens to you because of a decision I make, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Cas,” Dean promises. “I swear to you, I won’t let that happen.”
“And how are you going to do that?”
Dean looks defeated for a moment before an idea appears to dawn on him.
“Easy,” he says, smiling nervously. “We just talk. All the times you made a bad decision, we didn’t communicate. We just acted and it led to all the crap that happened. Next time something happens and you need to make a decision that might be Earth shattering, come talk to me. We’ll figure it out together. And if the world does end, again, then it’ll be both our faults.”
“When you put it that way, it does sound rather simple,” he confesses.
“Because it is simple, Cas,” Dean replies. He tries leaning closer to Cas again. “So... do you want to try this again?” Cas is quiet and Dean looks ever so hopeful. “I can go first,” he offers. He clears his throat and takes a deep breath, chewing on his words before he moves closer to Cas again.
“I lo-”
Before Dean can get the words out, Cas gives in and surges forward, capturing the hunter’s lips with his own. Dean freezes for a split second but then he sighs with relief and kisses back just as eagerly. Cas feels tears spring to his eyes again and he has to pull away to collect himself. Dean must think he’s pathetic and Cas wishes he didn’t have to see him like this. But the wall he’d built while trapped in his own mind that was meant to keep his emotions away is crumbled to dust and he doesn’t know if he can ever rebuild it.
“I’m sorry,” Cas mumbles, wiping at his eyes.
“Stop apologizing,” Dean replies, leaning in and kissing his forehead. “It’s okay to feel things, Cas. I know sometimes I act like it isn’t and honestly, I should really stop doing that. Bottling everything up has never helped any of us. Not to mention it’s probably unhealthy.”
Cas nods in understanding, and when Dean leans in to kiss him, he lets his emotions flow freely. Dean brushes away the tears leaking from the corners of his eyes and even after they pull back, he still holds him close, whispering sweet comforts in his ear. Cas buries his face in Dean’s shirt and just breathes him in, letting the warmth of his embrace calm him. He feels better than he has in a long time, the heavy weight that had settled on his chest finally lifted. He can breathe easily again and it’s such a nice feeling that he smiles to himself, pressing himself closer to Dean and wrapping his arms around him.
“I... I think I feel better now,” he admits.
He hears and feels the rumble of Dean’s quiet laughter and the press of soft lips to the top of his head.
“Good,” Dean says. “After everything you’ve been through, you deserve a break, Cas.”
He doesn’t know if that’s true or not. If anything he thinks he deserves some form of punishment for his actions. But he doesn’t think Dean would agree, so he just nods lets the hunter lavish him with attention and affection. He’s surprised to realize that he’s actually tired. Dean seems to sense this too, because he turns so he’s lying on his back and pulls Cas to him. The angel rests his head on Dean’s chest and he can hear the steady beat of his heart underneath. The rhythmic pulse soothes him and he finds his eyes closing slowly. Dean’s fingers find his hair and he combs through it, adding to the warmth Cas is already feeling. He knows he should probably try to stay awake, because he’d promised he’d watch over Dean while he slept. But Dean doesn’t seem bothered by it and he pulls the blankets up over them, arm securely around the angel lying half on top of him.
“Go to sleep, angel. I’ll watch over you tonight.”