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Lying on the bed and staring up at the tent’s ceiling, I get up frustrated, unable to sleep. Visions of that fight with my father still haunt me to this day. The moment I spoke out and the moment my father burned me never leaves my head. I really messed up. I wonder what would have happened if things had gone differently that day. Or any other day after that for that matter. What would have happened if I remembered to keep the kind heart my mom taught me? I give up on sleep. Maybe some night air would help clear my head. As I open the tent’s flap door, I hear the fire softly crisps and trudge up to one of the log seats. Sitting down, I recall all the things that were said, clear as if it were only a mere moment ago. While I’m staring into the pyre, I absentmindedly rub at the scars on my arms. I began punishing myself this way ever since, well, I don’t even remember when. It helps with relieving myself of the shame. There were a few times where Uncle Iroh almost caught me, but I was able to explain it away. I’d give excuses that it was scratches from cliffs or trees that happened while I was scoping out the land. I’m not too sure if he believed me. I jolt and twist to face whoever is behind me when I hear a stick snap. Sokka waves his hands in an apologetic manner.
“Hey uhh sorry for spooking you! Couldn’t sleep huh?”
“Yeah..”
“Me too. Mind if I sit next to you?”
“Sure. Why’re you up?”
“I always have trouble sleeping at night. Guess that’s just what happens when you have to deal with a war and save the world. So is something bothering you?”
“Not really.”
“You sure? Cuz it looks like there is. I’m not pushing, but if you need to talk, I’m here for you. Personally I find talking things out helps me get things off my chest.”
“You’re always talking.” I chuckle.
“Hah! You got me.”
Well, actually, I was just thinking of that day.”
“What day? The day you got banished?”
“...”
“Oh! Shoot. Sorry. Well if it helps, you got us now. You’re never alone anymore. We’re a team. We’ll always have you back, you can count on that. Me, Aang, Katara and- hey Zuko? Mind if I ask what happened?” Sokka spouts as I tried to subtly hide my arms with my sleeves.
“It’s nothing you need to worry about. Just my way of dealing with things.” I mutter the last part.
“Zuko.. I’m so sorry. It really must’ve bothered you that much?”
“Yeah.. These things, you don’t get over them that easily.” I look up towards the night sky reminiscing at the burden of the memories. “The night my mother left, the Agni Kai, the pain I caused to tons of innocent people. I’ve done so much harm for my own pride too. No one deserved what I put them through and I can’t undo it. So many people died because of me. All the times I lashed out at Uncle Iroh was so uncalled for. He was just trying to help. I was so mean to him. If only I had-”
Sokka reaches over and puts his hand on top of mine, breaking me out of my spiral. “Hey, I know what it’s like to feel like things are your fault. Don’t sweat it.”
“How am I supposed to just move past it when I know the main cause is me? That it’s all caused by me?”
“There’s just some things that you can’t take back. But we can try to make things right. Others, well they’re things that you can’t control.
“Like with who I had to fight in that Agni Kai. And my mom..”
“Thing is, we can’t keep beating ourselves up over these. They’re out of your hands. I still blame myself for what happened to Yue. Believe you me, I’m stuck in all these ‘what ifs’ too.”
“That’s- that’s exactly how I feel. Like I could’ve done a whole lot of other stuff differently so that it didn’t lead up to that.”
“It did lead you to us. To me.” Sokka’s hand trails up to my arms and rests there. I feel safe enough with him to allow him to stay that way. His touch, deeply comforting, even feels almost healing.
“Come on though, it was never any of our faults. These things happen and take time to heal from. I have trouble remembering that sometimes myself. We just gotta remind ourselves to be treating us a bit kinder. And to be glad for the good things that came from it.”
Warmly smiling at each other, we sit in silence for a short while, heads raised enjoying stars in the sky. He really has a way with words. We listen to the fire’s crackles while the owl hoots and crickets chirp every now and then. The wind brushes our face gently all the while. Soon, the lull is broken.
“How about we both try to leave our scars to fade? I know mine’s figurative and yours’ physical, but still, we could do it together. Something to work on and cheer each other on. And, yeah, it’ll still hurt when those memories come up, and there will be times where relapses happen, but we can try to work towards healing. Together.”
“That sounds nice. I’d like that. But why tell me this? It means a lot to me that you did, though, I didn’t do anything that deserves you opening up this much to me.”
He raises my arm and kisses my scars. “I care about you Zuko. We’ve got each other now.”
I lean into his embrace and he holds me close. We stay this way, quietly watching the fire burn brighter deep into the night. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in this struggle. He’s dealing with the same thing. Different form, but still the same thing. Together, we made this silent vow. We’re in a unanimous agreement. This is a journey we’re sharing now, backing each other up, and things will be alright.