Chapter Text
[April 21st]
It’s raining again.
Jisung always said the rain made him feel alive. I hated it. I hate it more now.
I keep thinking if I sit in it long enough, I’ll start to feel something again. Something real. But it’s just cold. And wet. And it makes the pages of this stupid journal stick together.
You would’ve made fun of me for writing this, you know.
“Hyung, since when did you start journaling like a high school girl with a crush?”
I don’t know.
Maybe since you left.
I’m angry, Jisung. I’m so fucking angry. At you. At myself. At every damn doctor who smiled like their words weren’t going to bury you.
You said you didn’t want me to look at you like you were leaving, but what else was I supposed to do?
You were leaving. And you did. Quietly. Just like that.
One moment you were talking about how ugly the hospital curtains were, and the next—
God, I hate how still your face looked. Like the world pressed pause and forgot to hit play again.
It’s been 387 days.
Not that I’m counting.
Your room is still the same. I haven’t touched your keyboard. I can’t. I swear I still hear you humming sometimes when the house is too quiet. Or maybe I just miss you that much.
Probably that.
They keep telling me to move on. “It’s what he would’ve wanted.”
And I smile. I nod. I say, “Yeah. Yeah, I know.”
But what I want is to scream. To rewind. To beg you to try harder. To yell at you for lying to me when you said it was just a cold.
To make you stay.
I didn’t get to say goodbye properly. Not really.
You slipped away in the middle of a sentence.
You always did that—run your mouth and leave people breathless.
You said if you died, you’d haunt me in the most annoying way possible.
And yet… here I am. Alone. No flickering lights. No Jisung-shaped ghost stealing my food.
Just silence.
Just me.
Come back and keep your promise, idiot.
—Minho