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White. Everything was white. From the occasional piece of goop-fungus that stuck to his jacket, to the hellish haze all around them. Everything was white.
Kuro had gotten him this far, and Bon was counting on him. Hell, everyone was counting on him. He hadn’t stopped the spores from opening, he hadn’t been able to draw the stupid sword, and he hadn’t been able to stop his hands from shaking. What could he do? What was he supposed to do?
“Okumura, behind you!” He heard Bon shout from behind him, breaking him from his thoughts.
Rin managed to dodge just in time, but it was far too close for his liking.
“Thanks, Bon!” He yelled back, the beads of sweat on his friend’s brow not escaping his sight as he beat back another piece of fungus with his sword, cover still on. It worked for now, but wasn’t nearly as effective as Rin needed it to be. He had to draw his sword, but he couldn’t do that. He had to face his fear, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that either. He was useless, completely, utterly useless, and, at this rate, he might as well have died at the hands of the Vatican.
The Vatican. Somehow, amidst all the chaos, he’d managed to forget about them, despite having just escaped their clutches not an hour ago. He’d been trapped physically and mentally, the relentless temptation to just give up was overwhelming, but Shiemi had set him straight and Bon had admitted to something he never would've seen coming.
The reason I’m pissed at you… is because you tried to carry that burden by yourself!
He hadn’t been able to believe it, and it didn't settle his fears completely. Just because Bon was pissed about that didn't mean he couldn’t also hate Rin for being Satan’s son. Of course, he had said he didn’t care, but Rin didn’t really believe it. After years of being treated like a monster by those who didn’t know the truth, he simply couldn’t.
“Okumura, we’re not in class! Pay attention!”
Rin instinctively jumped once more as Bon shouted. At this rate he’d be using more energy to tell Rin off than to keep the barrier up.
“What the hell is wrong with you?! Get your head in the fight instead of up your own-” By pure luck alone, Rin managed to miss the tail end of Bon’s newest concerned insult as he dodged and slashed another fungus arm… thing. Regardless, the message was clear. He needed to talk, to ask the question that had been burning in his mind ever since Bon had given him his sword back, but he was afraid. Afraid of what Bon would say, afraid that he would be turned away and lose everything once more. Most of all, he was afraid that, should Bon confirm his fears, he would never draw his sword, and everyone he cared about would die in front of him. The miasma would kill them, but not him. He was immune because he was a demon. A monster.
“Okumura! Forget the Vatican, I’ll kill you myself if you don’t start talking!” At that Rin finally whipped around to face Bon properly, the dam in his mind finally breaking.
“Do you really not care that I’m the son of Satan?! That I’m a monster?!” Despite his best efforts, Rin’s voice still broke as he spoke. The others had accepted him, and that was great, but Rin desperately wanted Bon too as well. Bon was the one who shared the same goal with Rin, the one who had given Rin his own hair-clip for studying. Bon was different, he was special to Rin, even if he wouldn’t dare admit it out loud.
From underneath the smaller barrier, Bon’s fists clenched and his teeth ground together as Rin prepared himself for the worst.
“Are you kidding me? That’s what you've been worried about the whole time?” Bon shouted incredulously.
“Look who’s talking.” Rin grumbled under his breath, childishly puffing out his cheeks. Bon had pulled the exact same thing on him not so long ago; what right did he have to be so surprised now?
Bon’s face and tone were filled with disbelief. How could Rin act so childish, so normal, but still have those unshed tears shining in his eyes? Why couldn’t he just be honest with them about how he was feeling? “You idiot…” Bon began, before continuing in a much softer tone, “Of course I care , but I…I care about you more! Idiot!”
“S-Suguro…” Rin failed to say much more as his throat suddenly tightened up, far too dumbstruck to mock Bon’s overuse of the word idiot.
Had he really been that worried? Had they really made him that worried? Why? What had changed between them from how things used to be? Looking at Rin now, at his slightly lanky frame and his childish attitude, it suddenly felt as if nothing truly had.
Now Bon could only wonder: Why had it been so hard for Rin to open up to them? Why… hadn’t he been a better friend sooner?
Bon gave a small, humorless laugh. A strange mix of melancholy and understanding mixing within him. “Look, you’re reckless and dumb and full of stupid, false bravado; you try to handle too much on your own and you piss me off to no end, but… you’re still Rin. You’re the same now as you were before we knew, and I’m sorry it took me so long to realize.”
Bon knew what he had to do. He’d been waiting for Rin to act first, for some sign that he could trust him, but that wasn’t how friendship worked. He had to make the first move here. He had to have faith in Rin. Looking straight into Rin’s eyes, Bon lifted his left finger, causing the barrier to disappear and allowing Rin to clearly see when he mouthed: “ I believe in you. ”
In the second that followed, a million things seemed to happen. Out of the corner of one eye, Rin saw Shura landing nearby supporting Bon as he adjusted to the shift in power, and out of the other he saw a giant rocket of spore and fungus shooting straight for Bon. With his heart swelling and his head reeling, Rin acted on his most primal instinct: He placed his hand on Kurikara… and pulled.
Immediately he found himself engulfed in blue flames. Without thinking twice, Rin jumped in front of Bon and Shura holding out his sword and bracing himself for the impact.
Izumo made him feel normal.
Shima made him laugh again.
Konekomaru made him believe he was more than a threat.
Shiemi made him hopeful again.
Bon made him confident.
Together, his friends were his strength. No matter what, he wouldn’t let them down. He wasn’t sure why his father had saved his life, he didn’t know for sure what his friends saw in him, but as long as he was alive, as long as they believed in him…
“I will protect them!” Rin shouted out as the wave came in contact with his sword, splitting in two and burning in the intense heat of his flames. He was probably inhaling more miasma than he should’ve (if not for his health, then for his ability to eat again), but Rin stood his ground, slowly taking steps forward instead of being blown back. “I… am Rin Okumura, son of Shiro Fujimoto. With my friends behind me and this sword in my hands… one day I’ll kill Satan!” Rin fully sliced through the wave, leaping high into the air with his sword poised to strike. “So you’re nothing!”
His sword connected cleanly with the Impure King's head, lighting his whole body on fire. Alas, for all his bravado, the flames had little effect on the demon. Bon and Shura were safe for now, but Rin already knew this was going to be a hard battle. And when the giant flame, god, demon, thing showed up… he knew it was going to be a hard week.
Perfect control of his flames.
Rin had demonstrated perfect control of his flames, and Yukio still managed to find something to piss about.
And he had punched Rin in the face. There was that too.
After combining his own flames with that of the giant fire thing, known as Ucchusma, Rin had managed to beat the impure king and purify everyone who had been infected by it. He had literally saved everyone, (no biggie) and Yukio had the audacity to punch him in the face simply because he hadn’t stayed in his cage and waited to die.
The truth was probably much more complicated than that, but right now Rin didn’t particularly care. In fact, he wasn’t even really angry. Just exhausted, and very worried. Rin had reconciled with all of his other friends, but it had never even occurred to him that Yukio might have been just as, if not more, bothered than they had been.
Yukio had once blamed him for their father’s death, but Rin was sure he couldn’t possibly have meant it. In an odd way, Rin believed that it had been his fault and he did blame himself, but he was still sure that Yukio didn’t hate him, that he couldn’t possibly.
Now he wasn’t so sure. He’d spent years with Yukio, laughing with him, protecting him, being a family with him, but how much of that was true? How far could those bonds be pushed before they broke?
Rin had his friends. They’d accepted him, but, more importantly, they’d helped him to accept himself. Who did Yukio have? Had he ever accepted Rin for who he was? Had he ever accepted himself?
Rin desperately wanted to ask him, needed to know, but the only problem with that was that he couldn't decide which Yukio to ask. There were at least four, and all of them were spinning. He tried to compromise and ask all of them, but found that it took too much of his strength as the world went black, and he collided with the ground beneath himself.
Rin had passed out. Exhaustion was noted to be the cause, but somehow Shura wasn’t so sure. If she hadn’t been so busy fuming at Yukio, then maybe she would have acted sooner.
In her defense, everyone was tired and Rin was both part demon and had fused with a very powerful entity, so there really was no reason to believe that he was any different from anyone else. Besides, he was wrapped up in bed, surrounded by perfectly capable doctors, and probably carelessly dreaming of dates with Shiemi. He’d be fine, it was Shura who would no doubt have a horrible headache by the end of the day.
“You call that being honest with yourself?!” Shura shouted at the object of her ire (Yukio) as she flung him into the room. She’d literally had to drag him somewhere to talk when he had refused to come willingly.
“Oh, please, this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Rin. I’ll admit that he did save everyone, but he never should’ve been out there in the first place.” Yukio said in that particular “I’m four-eyes and I always know best” tone that Shura hated so much.
“Right, so you’re not upset, and you didn't punch him in the face. Good to know.” Shura mocked Yukio, crossing her arms over her chest.
Yukio pinched the bridge of his nose before speaking. As if he was frustrated by the strane, senseless logic of a child. “Of course I’m upset. We are supposed to be protecting him, but you two only seem to care about playing hero. It’s like you don’t understand what’s at stake at all!”
“Oh, he understands perfectly well, what with your royal arrogance reminding him every five minutes!”
“I’m only reminding him because he keeps forgetting! I’ve spent my whole life protecting him, but it’s still like he’s not even trying!”
“Are you mad because you've spent your life protecting him, or because you’re doing an awful job of it?!”
Even just the short shouting match left both young exorcists panting for breath. If the silence was any indicator, Shura had clearly struck a nerve.
It was almost funny how, for all the glaring differences in their behaviors and thought processes, Yukio and Rin were so terribly alike. Both of them were easier to read than they wanted to believe they were, and both of them had buttons that were far too easy to push, but necessary if you wanted to get anything out of them while also knocking some sense into them. Yukio had been bottling in his feelings for far too long, and Shura took it as her personal mission to push until he was finally honest with himself. Hopefully before he blew up at the wrong person and ruined everything.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” It was only a low whisper, but the very idea that he had to ask made Shura scoff. Sure, Yukio had been devoted, of that there was no doubt, but he lacked heart and love when he “protected” Rin, and as such he had missed out on some of the biggest opportunities to be there for his older brother. Of course, Shura wasn’t just going to spell it out for him, that stupid four-eyed chicken.
“Protecting somebody is about more than just making sure they don’t get knocked around. Your dad knew that.”
“Don’t bring our father into this! Rin is only like this because he was coddled; our father was always fighting his battles and paying the price for his mistakes. I won’t do the same for him. He always got off easy, while I was always pushing myself further and further.” The pure resentment radiating from Yukio was uncanny coming from him. Shura had always known that he’d had doubts and issues, but seeing him now made her wonder exactly what had happened to him in the forest.
“Just because his struggles don’t look like yours doesn’t mean that he hasn’t had them. More than anyone, Rin knows what it's like to be treated unfairly, to have to earn every inch of respect and human treatment he can get. He may mask it behind that grade schooler, energy drink attitude, but he works hard in his training. He worries that he’ll hurt someone, that at the drop of a hat he could be taken in by the Vatican and never see tomorrow again.” As Shura spoke she closed in on Yukio, pushing him further and further into the room with his back against the far wall. She wasn’t quite sure what made her want to defend Rin, but it was strong. Stronger than any force she had felt toward anyone in a long time.
Maybe it was because Rin was like her (as much as she hated to admit it). Maybe it was because she had come to realize that under all that blue flame he was just another normal kid, lost and scared, in need of guidance. Or, maybe still, it was because Fujimoto had once been there to protect her, but was no longer around to do the same for the son he had loved so much. In any instance, Yukio was being a dumb chicken, and Shura never could stop herself from showing him up and making him cry.
Looking into his eyes, however, revealed that, as Rin seemed to gain more confidence and surety, Yukio only seemed to lose his and become more lost. With a large sigh, Shura released the petty dregs of her anger, and attempted to focus more on helping than mocking. (As difficult as that was)
“Tell me: If your only problem with Rin really is that he’s Satan’s son, then did you ever care about him? Would you be happier if he was human, or if he was never born your brother at all? Do you… hate him?”
Yukio’s eyes widened ever so slightly and another silence fell on them. After a moment, he opened his mouth to reply, but, before he could, one of Rin’s friends (Shiemi?) ran into the room.
“I’m very sorry to interrupt, but… there’s something wrong with Rin!”
Shura promptly dropped Yukio’s collar, allowing his feet to touch the floor once more, and raced to the door, only stopping to tell Yukio to stay put before leaving.
Shura wasn’t particularly happy to have been interrupted, but, in Shiemi’s defense, Rin did look awful. He was miraculously paler than usual and running a steadily increasing fever (even by the standard of a fire demon). On top of that, he had moved to a state of delirium, muttering incoherently under his breath.
Shura turned to the doctor who had been watching over Rin and dismissed him. Initially she had made the assumption that the doctors on site were perfectly capable, but it very quickly became clear that, though they were skilled, they were nowhere near equipped to treat a demon like Rin.
“What’s wrong with him?” Shiemi asked, voice clearly stained with worry and confusion.
Shura bit the inside of her lip; she wasn’t particularly fond of kids, nor was she particularly the sensitive type, which made dealing with Shiemi a special kind of difficult. Opting to ignore the question itself for the time being, Shura began looking over Rin. She didn’t consider herself a go-to kind of doctor, despite her meister, but she also knew that she was the best shot Rin had.
“Help me turn him over; I want to check something.” To her credit, Shiemi complied without question, even though it probably didn't make much sense to her. It didn;t make much sense to Shura either. What she was looking for was impossible, and yet, it was right there. Turning Rin over had revealed purple spots of various sizes speckled across his arms and chest, as well as multiple dark spots across his body.
Upon seeing Rin’s condition, Shimei backed away, throwing a hand to her mouth to muffle her cry of surprise. “M-miasma sickness? But isn’t Rin a demon himself? So how can he...” Shiemi trailed off, but her point was made. It didn’t make sense, but, then again, things often didn’t when it came to the kid.
“It’s true that he has a demon spirit, but his body is still mostly human, so it’s possible that a strong demon like the Impure King could still infect him. Especially if he was left vulnerable after using Ucchusma’s powers.”
“Didn’t I tell you to stay put?” Shura directed her attitude-filled question toward Yukio, who had just walked in. Though, by his timing, it seemed as if he had been waiting outside for quite some time.
“He must have acquired the infection, and been too busy focusing on not burning everyone else to purge the infection from himself. Thankfully, it seemed that Ucchusma’s presence diminished it to a normal sickness as opposed to the full strength of the Impure King, but there is no telling how Rin would react to it.” Yukio continued to explain, ignoring Shura completely. She would never admit it, but it was rather impressive that he could tell all this without even doing a proper check-up.
Beside Shura, Shiemi looked as if she was about to speak, prompting Shura to answer the question before it was even asked. “I’m really not sure there’s much we can do for him.” Rin’s demon status really complicated things when it came to treatment, and Shura had no idea where to start with the burn marks. (Which had barely escaped Shiemi’s notice)
Shura had just turned to leave when Shiemi yelled out, “We can’t just leave him! There has to be something we can do.” Up until then, Shura wasn’t sure Shiemi could yell, but the determination in her voice was clear and Shura had to admit that she was right. They couldn’t just leave it like this, but the alternative was dangerous. Shura waited a moment for Yukio to respond, but he had taken to standing quietly in the corner as if it made him invisible.
“The traditional treatments could work, but they could also damage his demon side.” Shura told her, taking Yukio’s continued silence as a confirmation that she was, at the very least, not totally wrong.
“Then why the hell would we even try them, then?” The slightly gruff and almost always angry voice of Bon rang out loudly from the doorway to the room. Behind him, Shima and Konekomaru entered as well.
Shura turned away from him, looking over Rin once more. Keeping in mind that blunt was better, and Yukio would be of no help, she responded. “Like it or not, it may actually be the safest bet. If not the best one.”
Bon followed her gaze toward Rin, but immediately turned away, gritting his teeth and muttering something about Rin being an idiot. Beside him, Konekomaru timidly asked if there was anything they could do to help.
“He just needs to be watched. Don’t worry about it too much.” Shura told him, getting slightly tired of the constant worry. To her, there was really no point in worrying about things you couldn't impact or control. And sometimes even if you could.
"We'll do it." Everyone turned, surprised, toward Shima who had volunteered everyone for the job, including himself. It was easily the first time he'd ever volunteered for anything, at least as far as any of them, especially Bon and Konekomaru, could remember.
"What?" He asked, looking sheepish at their reactions. "If I'm helping with Rin, then I won't be asked to do anything else." A collective "aah" filled the room, as everyone but Konekomaru nodded with understanding. He, on the other hand, simply looked at Shima with knowing and a fair amount of pride.
Satisfied with the rest of them, Shura turned back toward the other child in the room: Yukio.
“You’ve been awfully quiet.”
As everyone else turned to look at him, some of them having not even realized he was in the room, Yukio avoided their eyes by pretending to push up his glasses before claiming that he had reports to write and walking out. He only stopped long enough at the door, back turned to them, to ask one last thing of them.
“Please… take good care of my brother.” With that, Yukio fully left the room, Shura following him with a scoff.
In the hours that passed, Rin was given his medicines, which had yet to have any effect, and everyone had settled in the room prepared for the long haul. At some point even Izumo had joined them, under the pretense that they would be purely hopeless without her, but it had done nothing to ease the tense silence that had fallen on them. He still laid there, completely still, save for the occasional twitch as he continued to murmur silently.
All in all, the room was far too still and quiet to house Rin Okumura, the once giant, unstoppable energy ball.
Needless to say, it was wrong.
“You know, it's kinda hard to believe who he really is at times like these. Don’t you guys think?” Shima asked, breaking the silence from across the room where he was lying on his back.
“Don’t just say stupid things and not expect us to understand what you mean without elaborating!” Izumo yelled at him, clearly still miffed with the self-proclaimed ladies man.
“I’m just saying that when he was using those flames to kick butt and cleanse spores, it was easy to see him as Satan’s son, but when he’s all sick and vulnerable like that, well… it really does remind you that he’s just like us.” Shima cleared up his earlier statement in a way that denoted that it should have been the most obvious thing in the world.
Nearby to him, Konekomaru nodded his head and gave a near silent “Yeah” in agreement. Bon, however, opted for a more aggressive response; punching the wall beside himself in a fit of anger.
“What does that matter when people don’t treat him like it?! When he won’t act like it?! We all pushed ourselves to the limit, but he’s the only one who ended up like this! It’s always him!” At his last statement, Bon made to punch the wall once more, but stopped just short of it, as if all his energy had been suddenly sapped. “Why… is it always Okumura?”
“Isn’t that our own fault… because of how we treated him too?” Shiemi quietly asked, already crying, causing Shima to look awfully guilty about starting this conversation. “If we had accepted him sooner, or if we, if I, had been stronger, then maybe he would have leaned on us for help. Maybe he wouldn’t have to save everyone by himself all the time. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do as his friends?”
From her place in front of the room, Izumo looked between all of them in disbelief. Were they really starting this conversation again ? Were they really feeling so guilty?
“H-hey! As long as Rin is Satan’s son, misfortune is bound to come his way! Our ‘job as his friends’ is to be there for him when he’s being an idiot, not sit around and mope about the past!” There was no point in it. Sure, it was bound to have hurt Rin when they had momentarily rejected him, but they had ultimately come around and Rin certainly didn’t seem to blame them. Of course… Izumo had been the only one to accept him without even thinking about it, so maybe her words did appear shallow, but at least she was trying! Plus, there was at least one thing she could fully reassure Shiemi on, even if she was getting sick of doing it. “B-besides, you’re the one who saved me from the fungus didn’t you? So clearly you’re plenty strong, or at least less incompetent than I thought anyway.”
That seemed to do the trick as Shiemi managed to stop crying, but was instead thanking Izumo profusely.
“Sh-shut up! I just didn’t want to hear you whining anymore...” Izumo turned away from the group in a failed attempt to hide her blush, but everyone seemed to have enough sense not to comment on it.
For a time the group fell back into a similar silence, but they all seemed to be less tense for the short outburst. Afterall, they had made it this far; what could possibly go wrong?
“Geez, I can’t leave you geniuses alone for five minutes without you getting all sappy on each other.” It had actually been hours, but no one dared to correct Shura on that.
“‘Bout time you got back here.” Shima complained, getting up to stretch over exaggeratedly. “I’ve been bored outta my mind for ages. Is he even really sick?”
It was a joke. A sarcastic, Shima brand comment meant to hold no weight and certainly no truth. But apparently Rin didn’t get the memo. At the exact moment Shima had finished talking, Shiemi, who had been sitting closest to Rin, screamed and jumped back as the boy in question suddenly burst into flames, screaming in pain himself.
“What’s happening to him?” Konekomaru shouted, as both Bon and Izumo went to check on Shiemi, who was mostly fine, she had just fallen over right after jumping up.
“Do I look like some sort of scientist to you?! He’s on fire, what do you think is wrong?!” Shura shouted as she surged forward to check on Rin. In all reality, she knew exactly what was happening, her timing was perfect for a reason, but a quick inspection showed one reaction she hadn’t been expecting: the cause behind those black marks.
The medicines they had given Rin served to aggravate his demon side, hence the flames, allowing him to burn through whatever infection was lingering in his body. What she had not expected, however, was for Rin to start burning his own body alongside the medicines and disease. Shura assumed it had something to do with his delirium, but it was hard to tell what he was saying over his own screaming, as well as the concerned shouts of his friends.
“Shut up already, will ya?! I’m trying to listen!” Shura snapped with just enough ire to get Rin’s friends to comply.
“Get away from me! I’ll only hurt you if you stay!... DAD! Dad, please don’t die... I never wanted… to be Satan’s son...” It didn’t take much listening to deduce what was happening, but, once they began, the group couldn’t seem to stop. This went beyond delirium, he was having a full blown nightmare, and it was causing him to turn his flames on himself.
“I thought he already learned this lesson! Rin isn’t supposed to be afraid of hurting people now that he can control his flames, right?” Izumo shouted, demonstrating her title as the more logical of the Exwires.
In response, Shura shook her head, face full of an odd pity for her student. “There’s always gonna be a part of him that’s afraid of losing control and hurting people, especially his own friends.”
“Then we’ll just have to keep reminding him until he stops being afraid!” Bon yelled, moving toward Rin before being stopped by Shura, who had a warning hand laid on his chest.
“Think this through. It’s not that simple.” Shura pushed Bon away slightly, continuing when he stopped threatening to find a way around her. “Even though he has more control of his flames now, Rin is still dangerous, and the Vatican won’t hesitate to take him away if something happens. No amount of excuses will save him, no matter who’s fault it is. It’s a risk.”
“Then what are we supposed to do? Do you really expect us to just let him suffer alone again?!”
“It’s a risk...” Shura repeated, refusing to rise to Bon’s challenge. “But will you do it anyway? Saying words and letting him protect you are one thing, but with no guarantee of your safety or his, do you really trust him enough to plunge your hands into the fire?”
It seemed that the dead-serious look on Shura’s face was enough to shock Bon into silence and force him to think. Which was good, because she really didn’t feel like smacking him if he refused to comply.
“I’ll do it.”
“I trust in Rin.”
Both Shiemi and Bon confirmed their place at the time.
“It’s a pain, but I doubt Rin could really hurt us even if he wanted to. He’s an idiot.”
“I-I feel the same way- Uh, except about the idiot part! I told Okumura that he wasn’t a threat, and I believe it!”
So Izumo and Konekomaru were in too. Shura was almost surprised. Rin really was something else, wasn’t he? (In more ways than one sometimes...)
“A-are you guys crazy? Those are Satan’s Flames ! If something goes wrong, not only will we be screwed, but Rin will be as good as dead too!” Shima’s eyes were wide with fear for Rin as well as for himself. He understood that Rin was their friend, but this was insane! Sure, he’d had been exposed to them not so long ago, but they weren’t out of control enough to hurt Rin back then. There was no way he could just decide to touch Satan’s freaking flames.
But then… he saw Rin, lying unconscious from the pain, and his friends all so determined and full of conviction. What was it Koneko had told him?
It’s not about the glory of self-sacrifice! It’s just about being there for the people you care about, and having the guts to do the right thing!
Sometimes, Shima decided with a sigh, he really hated Konekomaru.
“Fine, fine! But if something happens, it’s not my fault.” Shima stepped forward, sitting beside Rin with everyone else.
The air in the room was charged as the Exwires reached their hands out… and came in contact with the blue flames.
They had all been exposed to Rin’s flames before, but this was somehow different. It was like Rin’s flames were an extension of himself, they held his hopes and desires, but his fears and regrets too. Where they had once been warm and promised protection, they were almost cold in comparison, afraid, dying.
Heart breaking for her friend, Shiemi reached her hands deeper into the fire to grab Rin’s hand.
“Hey, Rin, you’re not alone right now, and we all know you won’t hurt us. We’re all so worried, so, please, take care of yourself first. Just this once, okay? For us.” For one long second, it seemed that Rin’s fires would continue to burn, but then his breathing began to even out and the fires began to recede. They didn’t totally die, as they were still working against the infection, but they had stopped burning Rin himself as he transitioned from his pain induced blackness, to a far more peaceful sleep. Even some of the smaller burns immediately began to heal.
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief and Shura stood, walking toward the door before turning to the Exwires. “You should all leave. Go get some rest.” Shiemi and Bon tried to lead an argument, but Shura made it clear that there wasn’t any to be had. “There’s nothing more you all can do. It’s on Rin and his own power to pull through now.”
With one last glance at their friend, the Exwires shuffled out of the room followed by Shura, who stopped just outside the door, waiting until she was out of sight. “The room’s all yours… Four Eyes.”
Yukio never could slip anything past Shura. Still, when she suddenly declared that all of Rin’s friends should leave and get some rest, he managed to convince himself, if only for a second, that it was for their own good. For a moment, it seemed like it had worked, Yukio had finally outsmarted his oldest rival, but when Shura directly addressed him on her way out, the facade quickly fell apart. Yukio hadn’t had much hope for it anyway, considering that he only had a small amount of wall at his back to hide him, but who could blame him for trying?
Far worse than just being caught, though, was the stupid nickname she insisted on calling him. Of course, she wasn’t the only one. Rin called him that almost religiously, as if he had forgotten Yukio had a name altogether.
Rin… Yukio wasn't quite sure what to think of his older brother at the moment, but it hurt to think of him either way. Yukio had grown up with Rin. He had loved him, been protected by him, and laughed with him. When had things changed? When he was seven, and their father had finally found out he could see demons? When he spent countless nights training, working himself to the bone while his brother slept, blissfully unaware of the hell he had gone through? When Yukio found out his brother was a demon?
When their father had died?
Yukio didn’t want to hate his brother, but… did he? He had tried so hard to move on, to pretend as if nothing had changed, as if he hadn’t been boiling, seething underneath his calculated calm demeanor; but had it been that obvious? So much so that both someone he had known for years, who he had always believed to be emotionally inept, and a total stranger had picked up on it? Who else had?
Then there was the matter of Rin himself. Even through all the confusion, Yukio still couldn’t stand to see him hurt and sick, struggling for every bit of consciousness and infected with something that never should’ve affected him at all. Even sitting right in front of him, Yukio couldn’t bring himself to look at his brother, nor could he stop himself from thinking that if his brother had listened to him just once, they wouldn’t be in this situation. But Rin never did listen, did he? He insisted on doing things his own way, acting out for attention, and then shouting empty platitudes to make up for it. That didn’t cut it for Yukio, and just thinking about it made his blood boil again. The splitting migraine he had recently picked up certainly didn’t do much for his frustration.
Between his battle with Todo and his argument with Shura his head was reeling with more than just pain. Had he really been lying to himself this whole time? If so, what was true and what was just a lie? Yukio found himself barely able to think straight. Flashes of their words mixing together in his mind.
Do you… hate him?
Did he? There was no way. If he truly hated Rin, then he never would’ve been sitting, worried by his side. He never would’ve gone against Shura’s wishes to stay in that room. It wasn’t possible… or was it?
Would you be happier if he was human, or if he was never born your brother at all?
Of course he would be happier, it only made sense. If Rin had been born human, then their father would still be alive, and Yukio himself never would’ve been able to see demons. He could’ve lived a normal life. And even if Rin was born a demon, if he had been adopted by someone else, or if they had been raised as total strangers, how different would things have been? He never would’ve been tasked with Rin’s protection, never would’ve had to become an exorcist. He could’ve had friends; a normal life.
You truly hate your brother, don’t you?
He had told Todo that the one he really hated was himself, but was that true? He had always been responsible and mature, had always strived to do things right. What reason did he really have to hate himself?
Admit it: this world, your world, would be better off without him.
Wouldn’t it? What good did the son of Satan, one who was nothing more than a vessel for his flames, the very same ones that he killed countless people, their own father included, really bring to the world? Wouldn’t they all be better off without him? Their father, who wasted his life protecting him. His own friends, who would have to think of Satan every time they saw his face. Even Yukio himself…
He still couldn’t look up at his brother, but one dark, shameful thought crossed his mind: how vulnerable Rin was, lying there, unable to defend himself.
You truly hate your brother, don’t you? ...your world would be better off without him. ...never born your brother at all? Do you… hate him?
Yukio’s head was really pounding now, and the room seemed to be spinning around him.
How easy would it be? Rin was so vulnerable. How easy-
“Yuki?”
Yukio snapped back to reality at the sound of Shiemi’s voice, but didn’t respond as he was suddenly panting for breath.
“Is there something wrong? You look troubled.”
Man, Yukio hated that question. But there was something about Shiemi, about how innocent, sweet, and truly caring she was that made it bearable. Or maybe Yukio had finally realized that he desperately needed to talk, that even someone as mature as himself still needed guidance, and that guidance could be found in the most unexpected of places. Besides, he never could say no to Shiemi.
“I- I’m not really sure.” Hearing this, Shiemi sat next to Yukio, straightening her posture, poised to listen. Yukio took a deep breath and continued. “From the time I was young, I was always tasked with caring for Rin, protecting him, even when he didn’t know it. I was raised this way: mature, strong, stoic; it became my identity. But now he’s growing up, he doesn’t need me anymore, he may even surpass me; and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to keep living like this, but I’ve never known anything else. I don’t even know… who I am outside of him.”
It was difficult for him to say, to admit, but it felt good. Was this what it was like to be truly honest with himself? Yukio was sure it was only a start, but somehow he already felt better for it. He only hoped he wasn’t overwhelming Shiemi with all his problems.
“Why is it that you protect Rin, Yuki? Who was it that asked you to do so?” Shiemi’s question, spoken in that naturally honest tone, was not quite what he expected, but it was easy to answer.
“Because my father asked me to.” It was said automatically, without thought or emotion. It just… was.
“Rin is already really strong on his own. That’s why he is always the one protecting us. Your father probably knew he would be like that, don’t you think?” Shiemi said in response to Yukio, the awe-struck look and gentle smile on her face causing something odd to burn in Yukio’s stomach.
“I’m well aware my brother is strong, but I doubt our father was so sure things would be like this.” It was angry, and petty, and low, but Yukio couldn’t seem to help it. Why were people always so impressed with Rin just because he was strong? Couldn’t they see that wasn’t the only thing that mattered? And if his father had known, then what was the whole point? What had he wasted his whole life for?
As quickly as the anger had come, it disappeared. Replaced instead by the guilt caused by the almost fearful look on Shiemi’s face. “My apologies.” Yukio began, attempting to fix things. “I didn’t meant to-”
“I-it’s okay. I understand why you’d be upset. I’m not very good at this sort of thing, but that’s really not quite what I meant.” Shiemi interrupted his apology, before elaborating on her earlier statement. “It’s only because both you and Rin are strong that I thought Mr. Fujimoto would not want you to protect Rin physically, but rather to just be there for him as a brother. To be a friend to him...even when no one else would.” There was a slight glimpse of regret in her face when Shiemi added that last part, but Yukio was no longer listening, nor was he able to speak.
Protecting somebody is about more than just making sure they don’t get knocked around. Yer dad knew that.
In all this time, how had he missed that? When their father had died, the father that they both loved, what had he done except blame Rin? When his friends found out he was a demon, when they had turned against him, berated and insulted him, where had Yukio been? He should have defended him, been there for him. But he wasn’t. Instead he had pawned his brother off to Shura. He used the excuse of Rin’s need for training, but perhaps it was rooted in something much darker.
Next to Yukio Shiemi stood, dusting off her robe to leave, but turning to him once more. “Hey, Yuki, you shouldn’t compare yourself to Rin so much. Rin is himself, but you are too, so please try to be more proud of who you are, and don’t hold so much regret for your past... because... I wouldn’t have you any other way. With a blush quickly spreading across her face, Shiemi dashed out of the room, clearly trying to hide her embarrassment.
Be proud of who he was? Was that even possible when he had almost no say in who that was? This had all started when he became an exorcist, but why was it that that started? Yukio thought once more about the question Shiemi had asked him. Not why did he become an exorcist or why he actually protected Rin, but why he wanted to protect Rin.
Just about everyone knew that he officially began protecting Rin because his father had asked him to do so, but, in all reality, it was so much more than that. He had not only agreed when Fujimoto had asked him, he had jumped at the chance, because he had always been the protected. Rin had always been standing up for him, defending him, and, just once, he wanted to do the same, to be regarded as the older, even if only in attitude. For once he wanted to be the protector, but Rin had never regarded him that way. To Rin, at least in Yukio’s mind, he was still the younger brother; the same weak, snot nosed kid he had always been.
Was that where the resentment had started? Because, for all his hard work, Rin still managed to make Yukio feel as if nothing had changed? Because he didn’t even seem to notice it? But then, was any of that really his fault if Yukio never talked to him, if he was never honest?
There was far too much to think about. Yukio needed to clear his mind. He needed fresh air. He needed perspective. He began to stand and leave, when a hand suddenly reached out and clamped around his wrist, causing him to turn toward the source... and look at his brother for the first time in ages.
He looked so weak and frail. “Vulnerable” didn’t even begin to describe it. He had sweat beading on his brow, as if just reaching out had taken so much out of him. His tail was poking out and his flames, though relatively small, were accentuated by the falling darkness as the sun set. They were so clearly there , but, somehow, he still looked… human.
He looked like Rin.
“Oh... god...” Yukio brought his free hand up to cover his mouth.
Are you mad because you've spent your life protecting him, or because you’re doing an awful job of it?
He had done a horrible job of it. He had failed.
...did you ever care about him?
Of course he had. Always. He still did.
Do you… hate him?
“No, never. I- I only… hate myself!”
To say that Yukio cried was an understatement. Not even when he had found out that his father had died did sobs and wails tear through him the way they did now.
What had he almost done? What right did he have to call himself a protector? To sit by Rin’s side as a brother? Yukio tried to pull away, but found himself struggling to break his brother’s iron grip. He had to go, had to get away. He didn’t deserve to be here, he had no reason to-
“Yukio… please… don’t go.” Every word took clear effort to speak, but it struck Yukio in an indescribable way.
Perspective was a funny thing, that much Yukio had learned. He had assumed that he was small, just a child in his brother’s eyes. Never once had he assumed that maybe his older brother needed him as much as he needed Rin, but his brother had reached out, had begged him not to leave. Even in his dazed state, he hadn’t done that for any of his other friends, only for Yukio
Perspective was truly a funny thing. Sometimes all it took was one action, one word or gesture, to completely change everything you thought you knew, or remind you of something you always did: This was his brother.
Demon, human, or something else entirely, this was his brother. Rin had always been honest and genuine, always so warm and bright. He really loved Yukio, and it was that light that Yukio had once devoted himself to protecting for so many years, at all costs. For so long, all Yukio had wanted to do was protect him, to cherish his only flesh and blood, his precious brother, and yet he had come so close to- He had almost-
“Brother, I- I’m so sorry!” As a fresh wave of sobs and despair ripped through him, Yukio gave in. Falling to his knees at his brother’s side, still clutching his hand like a life-line, sobbing until his body gave in and he finally succumbed to his body's need for sleep.
From just outside the door, a certain redheaded woman finally walked away, content that the brothers would be okay. She didn’t have a smile on her face, and she most certainly didn’t have to wipe her misty eyes, but, man, did she need beer.
When Rin finally woke up, pretty much everything hurt. It wasn’t as bad as the time he had lost control and almost died from his sword breaking, just remembering that event made him wince, but it wasn’t great either. He knew that he should probably stay still and continue lying quietly on his back, or maybe even try going back to sleep, but he was also convinced he had been still for far too long. He needed to move, it was rooted too deeply in his nature. Rin slowly tried to sit up, but found that something was preventing him from going all the way: his brother.
Yukio was splayed across his legs, arms crossed at an odd angle to support his head; his legs, which reminded Rin of the time Yukio had broken his leg, trailed behind him; and he was still in his usual exorcist uniform. Clearly he hadn’t meant to sleep here.
Now that was weird. Even if he had come to check up on Rin, he never would’ve allowed himself to fall asleep there so unceremoniously. Yukio hadn’t done that since they were kids, much less now that Rin could heal so fast. Even odder still was the redness around his eyes and the tear stains that trailed across his face. Crying in front of his brother was yet another thing Yukio hadn’t done in ages. Why now? What in the world had happened?
Nudging his younger brother slightly, just enough so that he could move, Rin sat up. The pain in his body was already subsiding, and his head seemed to become clearer the more it did. He remembered defeating the Impure King and being punched by Yukio, but not much else. He knew he had passed out (seeing four Yukio’s would forever be the scariest thing he’d ever experienced), he also remembered gaining awareness for some time, and pain, lots of pain, but no clue what happened or how he got here. He only hoped that the Vatican wasn’t about to swoop down from nowhere and take him away… again.
The thought worried him, constantly looming over everything he did. It was hard to live with and worse than scary whenever he thought about it, so Rin tried to avoid doing so at all costs. It was no wonder why Yukio thought he wasn’t taking things seriously, but that really wasn’t the case at all. Rin had no idea of knowing if and when things would go horribly wrong and he would lose his life; he only wanted to enjoy it while he still could. The thought put a sad smile on Rin’s face, but sudden movement from Yukio caused him to change it into a more easy going one.
“Hey, Yukio. Morning.” Rin greeted, when Yukio finally looked at him, giving his brother a two fingered salute. It took everything in Rin not to laugh at his brother’s half-asleep face, crooked glasses, and bright red indents on his face, but his smile became much more genuine.
As Yukio lifted himself up, his facial expression warped into one of confusion and then shock as he lifted his hand, gingerly touching the side of Rin’s face. Rin recognized it as the place where Yukio’s punch had connected.
“Oh, this? Yeah, it’s already gone, huh?” The pettiest side of Rin really wanted to be mad at Yukio, to milk his rare guilt for all it was worth, but he just couldn’t bring himself to. The sight of his little brother lying by his bedside combined with the look on his face now made it nearly impossible; the lack of pain and the understanding of why he had done it only sealed the deal. Regardless of Rin’s words, Yukio continued to stare at Rin as if he could disappear any second.
“You know, I’m disappointed.” Rin began in a nonchalant voice, before attempting to tack on a joke in the hope of getting some sort of reaction from his almost paralyzed brother. He struck his best thinking pose and continued. “You should really try a little harder next ti-” Rin started as his brother suddenly tackled him with a hug, sending them both to the floor.
Between the thud of the impact and Yukio’s own sudden tears, Rin could barely make out what he was saying, though they sounded oddly like apologies. The only thing Rin could latch onto were the last words Yukio spoke. “I’m so glad you’re alright… please forgive me…”
It was barely even a whisper, but it made Rin smile anyway. Getting over his surprise, Rin put his arms around his brother, resting one of his hands on the back of his head. "Don't worry, Yukio. Everything's going to be okay. Big brother is here now."
Rin had no idea how long they stayed there for, but Yukio almost hadn’t looked him in the eye since. The only time he had, he went with embarrassment, so Rin decided to just let him be. They still had things to talk about, but Rin wasn’t too concerned anymore. How could he be? He had finally, finally, made it to-
“Kyoto Tower!” Behind Rin his friends made a variety of faces and gestures, from smiles and laughs to groans and face palms, at his childish reactions. He couldn’t help himself; it was so big! Rin raced off ahead right as Shura, one-half of their designated chaperones, yelled out that they were to stick together for the duration of the trip. Rin was long gone by the time she finished.
The restaurants, the shops, the spa, it was all almost too much for Rin to bear. Not so long ago it had seemed like the whole world was ending, now Rin was running around with his friends like nothing had ever happened. Days like this were all he had ever wanted when he was a kid. Of course, he was glad that he had Yukio and his father, but whenever he looked at the other kids, at their families and their friends, it was hard not to feel… incomplete. But he had friends now, people who knew what he really was and cared about him regardless. It was… perfect. It was perfect, all he had ever wanted, and yet, something was still bothering him. And as he stood alone, the others having spread out around the observation deck, staring out the window without really seeing any of what it revealed, it was all he could think about.
Before they had left on their trip, Shura had told him all about what happened between when he fainted and when he had woken up. He’d been told that he had started burning himself in his fever ridden delirium (though he was pretty sure he would’ve remembered that), and that his friends had plunged their hands into the fire to save him. They’d done more than just accept him, they’d fully trusted him, even when he had been losing control. The very thought made him happier than he could’ve imagined, but even so, as he turned his gaze toward the streets below, streets filled with people that knew nothing about demons or Satan, that happiness, that hope, slowly faded away.
His friends finally believed in him, his flames were (mostly) under control, and he was finally coming to terms with his past… but did he really deserve it? Did he deserve to feel so happy, so normal, when so many had died to his biological father’s flames? The very same ones he harnessed himself?
Rin lifted his face toward where the sun filtered through; closing his eyes and letting those thoughts overtake him.
“Something on your mind?” Bon’s slightly gruff voice cut through the silence of Rin’s thought fueled trance.
At first, he debated whether or not he should open up to Bon. They were friends, and Rin was pretty sure that was something friends did, but he wasn’t sure how Bon would respond. Would he berate Rin and tell him to stop beating a dead horse? Or would he be able to understand what Rin was doing through? Did it really matter if they were friends, if Bon was honest?
And then there was his tone. If it wasn’t so odd to hear coming from him, then that slight desperation, that subtle awkwardness that said he didn’t do this for just anyone, would’ve completely escaped Rin’s notice. Then again, his ears had always been a little more keen than everyone else's.
That’s how he ended up telling Bon everything.
It was surprisingly difficult at first. Rin was incredibly tempted to revert back to his carefree, generally nonchalant ways, but he knew Bon deserved better, especially with what he’d learned about his father. Regardless, he pressed on, and Bon proved to be a good listener, even taking a few moments to consider Rin’s words before responding.
“Idiot, of course you can be happy, there’s a heck of a lot of worse people who are. Besides, you’re nothing like him, so stop asking stupid questions.” Bon said it so clearly, so truthfully, but somehow Rin still wasn’t convinced. There were so many things that his friends didn’t know about him, things he didn’t even know about himself. He never thought that he’d lose control the way he did during their camping trip, but he had, and who knew what else he was capable of.
“How… How can you be sure that I’m not like him? Or that I won’t become like him?” Rin had often wondered that for himself, but he’d never had the courage to ask, or, rather, to hear the answer.
“‘Cause if you ever start going down that path, I’ll kick your butt and drag you back myself.” Bon stated simply. He looked away in a preemptive embarrassment before adding: “ Also.. your flames. I’ve never felt Satan’s flames myself, but I’ll be damned if they're anything like yours.”
A grateful smile broke through the slight shock on Rin’s face as he struggled to find the words to thank his friend. Instead of that, however, a new thought crossed his mind, and his grateful smile turned into a far more mischievous one.
“And… what exactly are my flames like, huh?” He asked, leaning toward Bon and looking him right in the eyes.
“N-none of your damn business! And if you’re really so worried, then stop thinking so much; it’s the only dangerous thing about you!” Bon shouted as he sent a not-so-loving smack to Rin’s head. Somehow it only served to make Rin feel better, as he and Bon fell into a comfortable silence turning their eyes to the outside world once more.
Though he had been standing here for so long, Rin realized for the first time just how small everything looked from up so high up, and just how far away it all was. It was comforting in its own right, to believe that all his problems and all his biggest fears were down there, small and far, but he also knew that it couldn’t stay like that forever.
Eventually he’d have to come down, have to face the Vatican and the looming threat of death, people who only saw him as Satan’s son and Shura’s training, but, for once, all that could wait. Right now, as the others joined him and Bon (having been attracted by all the yelling), he was perfectly content to just stay for the moment.
Of course his peace couldn’t last, but, in his defense, he had tried.
On their way out of the tower, the sun had already begun setting by the time Shura came around to shoo them away, Yukio had come up to Rin eerily asking to talk. Rin had tried to dodge and say no, he’d had enough heartfelt conversations for one day, but eventually he’d given in. With a wave to his friends and some off-hand comment about how they shouldn’t wait up, Rin walked off.
Following his younger brother for what seemed like ages, Rin eventually found himself in a secluded section of the area, with a clear stream running in front of him. It was an incredibly beautiful background to a conversation that neither brother particularly wanted to have.
They stood, an incredibly thick quiet between them, for so long that Rin took to throwing stones in the steam for entertainment while he waited for Yukio to make the first move.
Finally, Yukio cleared his throat and spoke. “I suppose I should apologize for my previous actions.”
Rin didn’t even turn around as he responded jokingly, unable to resist messing with his little brother. “I thought that’s what you were doing when you were using my shoulder as a tissue.”
Even out of the corner of his eye, Rin could see how red Yukio had suddenly gone. “I had hoped you’d forget about that.”
Rin wanted to tell Yukio about how he’d never forget that for the rest of his life, but decided to have mercy on his overly-optimistic little brother. “Don’t sweat it. It was actually kind of nice, you haven’t cried like that in ages.” Rin told Yukio, meaning every word.
Yukio puffed his cheeks, pouting at the memory of his younger self. It was easily the only sign he had given of being the younger brother in a long time.
“I’m not that little kid anymore.” Yukio said, pushing his glasses up his nose.
Rin scoffed. Like anyone had to tell him that. “Yeah, yeah, I know: you’re a teacher and an exorcist, and I’m very proud of you, blah, blah, blah. It’s just...” Rin looked down at his reflection in the water, looking for the right words to convey what he was feeling. Yeah, he was proud of his younger brother. They had both changed so much since those days when he used to protect Yukio from bullies, but sometimes it felt like they had grown apart as much as they had grown as people. “...sometimes I look at you and wonder: when did I stop being your older brother? What ever happened to that kid who needed me?”
Rin, still looking into his reflection, missed the moment when Yukio’s jaw dropped and his eyes misted over, but he had a feeling that he’d said something right as Yukio turned to the water as well. “I’ll always need you… just not often.”
The way he threw on that last part made Rin truly laugh, breaking through the light tension between them. “Yeah, I know that now, so thanks, Yukio.” Rin finally looked at his brother, smiling at him in a way he hadn’t since their father had died.
“Rin, to what you asked before, I-” Yukio began, pulling Rin back into the present. He didn’t have to specify what question he was talking about; Rin knew it was the last one he had asked before he had passed out. It seemed like so long ago, but Rin no longer dreaded the answer as much as Yukio gave it. “Even after so many years, I don’t quite know if I can truly accept it. I’ve avoided it so long, I’ll admit I don’t know where to start; but, even so... we’ll always be brothers. And one day, when you become an exorcist…”
I’ll look forward to fighting by your side.
I’ll be so proud of you, just like our father would have.
Yukio didn’t say it out loud, but it was written all over his face, and Rin understood it, even when Yukio completed his thought, saying, “... well, I won’t be so easily surpassed.”
Maybe it wasn’t the perfect response, or the one Rin necessarily wanted, but, in a way, it was the one he needed. It was a completely Yukio answer, and Rin didn’t want anything less. He was being honest, with both Rin and himself, and that meant more than anything else.
Finally bridging the gap between them, Rin threw an arm around his brother’s shoulders in a one armed hug, letting Yukio know, in his own way, that there were no hard feelings between them. “What? Are you scared?”
Yukio lightly shoved his brother off, responding in kind. “With you? Always.”
Always.
There was something about that word that Rin had begun to like recently.
A noise in the distance caught Rin’s attention, and he turned to find his friends standing nearby, calling him over. Rin made to move toward them, but something didn’t feel quite right. He was really starting to realize that, without Yukio, things rarely did. He reached back, extending a hand to his little brother.
“Everyone’s waiting. Let’s go, Yukio.”