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Todd Anderson may be a recluse, but he's not an idiot.
No one else seems to notice the despondent, near manic way Neil's been acting. Of course, it's possible that Neil's always acted this way, that it’s just a coincidence but– Todd's not an idiot. He knows the signs, he's felt the symptoms himself, for Christ's sake.
Neil is going to kill himself.
It was a bit of a shock when he started seeing the signs in Neil. He’s strong, so much stronger than Todd. He's brave, confident, and his smile is about as contagious as polio. Todd knows that all of that means nothing in the face of your own fears, though. It's hard to be brave when your parents look so much like your executioners.
The rest of the school seems to think he's just excited about the play; he's the lead, why wouldn't he be excited? But no one else sees the look in his eyes, the way the weight of his father's expectations and his own guilt is crushing him, the facade he’s put up to keep the questions away. Todd sees it all too well. It’s something all Welton students are familiar with, the careful balance of how your parents see you, how administration sees you, how the world sees you. It's stressful enough to kill a man. It almost killed Todd. But he dug himself out of that six foot hole and he'd be damned if he didn't try to grab Neil's hand and pull him out of his own personal hell.
Him and Neil aren’t the closest, they only met this year, after all. Even still, they’ve bonded over attending their hellish school, and over the Dead Poets Society. Todd may not know Neil’s middle name, but there’s a silent understanding between them. An understanding that while everyone around them expects something different, they don’t expect anything of each other. That understanding is why Todd knows that Neil doing the play is dangerous. He can see the enthusiasm in his eyes when he talks about the play, can see that Neil wants this more than he’s wanted anything in his life. And yet it’s going to be the most dangerous thing he does if his father finds out. No, not if— when. It’s like the parents of Welton students have a secret sixth sense for when their child does something out of the norm. Todd becomes even surer of this when Neil quietly shares that his father came to banish him from acting in the play, right before the performance.
There’s that suffocating feeling again, the one Todd hasn’t felt in a while. It used to be there all the time, it’s part of the reason he’s at Welton now. He’s worried that he won’t be able to stop something bad from happening to Neil. He knows that Neil lied to Mr. Keating, told him that he talked it all out with his father and he’s letting him continue acting when that’s so far from the truth. When Neil was supposedly talking to his father, he was really running lines with Todd down by the docks, entrancing him with his intense performance. The play is tonight, and that sinking, suffocating feeling Todd has only gets worse as the clock ticks by.
When the time comes, Todd and the rest of the Dead Poets shuffle down to the theater, sat as close to the stage as they possibly could. He’s sitting next to Meeks, who keeps nudging and whispering things to Charlie. Knox rushes in, Chris on his arm and slightly out of breath. Todd can’t stop his eyes from darting throughout the crowd for anyone who looks out of place, anyone glaring at the stage, that might be Neil’s father. He doesn’t notice anyone doing anything but smiling or flicking through their playbill. As best as he can, he smothers the feeling of pure dread and focuses on the play as the lights dim and Neil enters from stage right.
Neil is, of course, amazing. Todd almost entirely forgets about his fears as he watches Neil capture everyone's attention. There’s not a single person who could’ve been chosen to play Puck over Neil, and that’s only a slight exaggeration on Todd’s end. Charlie whoops and claps the loudest as the cast walks out for their bows, and Todd catches Neil’s eye as he comes up from his. His smile is blinding, and Todd swears it widens when he sees him. And then, suddenly, Neil looks at something at the back of the theater and his smile drops. When Todd turns around with his heart beating in his chest, he sees a man with a look on his face that manages to display rage and disappointment all at once.
The curtains close, and Todd’s heart leaps from his chest into his throat, threatening to jump out at any moment. He needs to get to Neil before his father can. He doesn’t have a plan, doesn’t know what he’s going to say. But as Mr. Keating would say, carpe diem. He’s got to seize the day. Or, well, seize the night, really. He rushes away from his seat, ignoring the questioning yells from behind him. He gets as close as audience members are allowed backstage to look for Neil and finally, finally, spots him. He shouts his name and Neil sees him from across the room. His carefully constructed mask is on but Todd can see the underlying devastation in his eyes. He looks unsure of if he wants to step towards him and delay the inevitable reprimand from his father, so Todd makes the decision for him and meets him halfway.
“Neil, you did amazing out there.”
“Thanks, but I— I should go, my fathers here and—”
“Well, he can wait, right? I mean, the guys’ll want to see you, and Mr. Keating is here too.”
He’s praying that he can slow down Neil long enough to come up with a plan to stop what Todd knows is going to happen if he lets Neil go home tonight. He needs a distraction, or maybe something to impede Neil’s father.
In what some may call divine intervention, Todd can hear the shouts of Charlie and Knox, and Cameron trying to reign them in. Pitts and Meeks linger behind, clearly not having run towards Neil like the rest of them had. This is exactly what Todd needed, this is his “something” to slow Neil down. Now, he just needs to distract Neil’s father. Searching through the swarm of family members, he spots Mr. Keating heading towards them with a grin on his face. After quickly making sure Neil is engaged in conversation, he makes his way towards their professor.
It’s much to Mr. Keating’s visible surprise when Todd approaches him. He knows Todd is introverted and would probably rather trek through the Sahara than willingly speak to a teacher outside of class, but this is important. Neil is important. Mr. Keating opens his mouth to speak, but Todd beats him to it. He asks him to, if he would please, divert Mr. Perry from finding Neil. A look of sad understanding crosses his face, before he directs an expression of something resembling pride towards Todd. He smiles, nods, and pats Todd on the shoulder as he walks away. He passes Neil, gives him his commendation, and keeps walking. Everything is lining up, as the guys are starting to disperse, wanting to head to bed (or in Knox’s case, get some time alone with Chris). Todd walks as quickly as he can without looking weird towards Neil, and is pleased when he seems a little less on edge, albeit still nervous.
“Neil, come on. I have something to show you.” Todd doesn’t know what he plans on “showing” Neil, but anything he can say to get Neil out of this theater will be worth it.
“Todd, no, I have to go see my father. He’s going to be livid.”
“I know, but don’t worry about that right now. Come with me, worry about him later. Please?”
The eyes are called the windows to the soul, and Todd can see why when he witnesses the scared look in Neil’s eyes fade away when Todd finishes his sentence. It’s a vulnerable look, but that’s what’s become of their silent understanding. No expectations.
“Alright, fine but we have to be quick. No sense in postponing an uncomfortable situation.”
Todd disagreed, but that was a conversation for another time when he knew Neil was safe. Without much thought, he grabbed onto Neil’s sleeve and started gently dragging him towards the door. Neil is too busy glancing behind them to make sure his father isn’t around and ignoring Charlie’s wolf whistle as they rush past them, out the front doors and forward, into the woods to really notice where Todd is leading them until they cross the stream.
“Hey wait, Todd, Where are we going?”
“Just—” Todd almost trips on a stray branch, “—you know. Forward.”
Neil huffs a laugh, and Todd can see his shoulders loosen the further they get away from Welton. “Forward? That’s it?”
“Yeah!”
Finally, they reach the entrance of the cave where they hold the Dead Poets Society meetings. Neil gestures Todd forward and they enter, the sounds of the forest dampened by the shelter of the cave. Neil stood, hands in his pockets, looking at Todd expectantly. Right, he was supposed to show Neil something. He had to have something in his messenger bag that he could use, something to pretend like he didn’t just drag Neil here on a whim. Awkwardly ignoring Neil’s stare, he began rummaging through his bag, flipping through trig homework in search of any sort of useful paper.
“Todd—”
Before Neil could continue his sentence, Todd pulled out a crumpled paper ripped from his notebook. He wrote it for Mr. Keating’s assignment, and almost read it during a Dead Poet’s meeting. He hadn’t gotten the nerve up to actually do it, of course. Yet here he was, holding one of his own poems, about to read it to Neil. He’d gotten better at reading aloud, with Neil’s help and Mr. Keating impassioned encouragement, yet this sort of spontaneous reading of poetry— of anything— was still out of Todd’s comfort zone. Regardless, Todd brought Neil here with a purpose and under the guise of showing him something, so. Carpe diem.
Without any preamble, Todd began reading. When he nervously glanced up, he saw Neil’s eyes were wide, but there was a smile on his face. He couldn’t keep making eye contact with Neil, it was too nerve wracking. Reading out loud wasn’t that scary when it’s Neil he’s reading too. Except it still was kind of scary, especially as Todd reached the end of the poem, knowing he didn’t have anything to really say to Neil.
“Dreaming of the wisdom that we are dodging daily, praying for a savior when salvation’s in our hands. And still we sleep. And still we sleep, and still we play, and still we fear…”
A hush fell over the cave, no noise except for the crinkling of paper as Todd lowered it and hesitantly looked up at Neil. The look in his eyes was softer than usual, and Todd couldn’t see any trace of the anxiety from earlier in the night. He didn’t know what to do besides look back at Neil, meeting the intense look in his gaze. He was so—
“Todd,” Neil sounded breathless, and he stepped forward with uncertainty. “You— Did you write that? I don’t recognize it.”
“Uh, yeah. It’s...the poem I was supposed to read for English class.
Neil smiled a little, clearly remembering chasing Todd around because of that very poem. “I knew you wrote something good. Was that what you wanted to show me?”
“Not…exactly, uh—”
Todd’s burst of adrenaline that brought him and Neil to the cave was slowly draining and the anxiety was coming back as he, once again, realized that he didn’t know what he was going to say. And that the length between Neil asking his question and Todd answering was becoming longer, and that the silence was getting louder, and that he had to say something.
“Neil, I…I didn’t bring you here to read my poetry to you.”
“Really? I mean, I figured, but you did really good!”
Flattery will get you nowhere, unless you’re Neil Perry, apparently. Because while Todd hasn’t believed any praise he’s been given in the past, something about the way Neil spoke to him sounded like the truth.
“Can I tell you something?”
“Of course you can.” If Neil was thrown off by the random question, he didn’t show it.
“My freshman year, before I transferred to Welton, I was…struggling. My father still wanted me to go to Welton, like my brother did and was upset that I didn’t. He made all these snide comments, and I didn’t fit in at my school. Things were rough. At one point, things got really rough and I…grabbed my father’s Smith and Wesson.”
The more Todd spoke, the wider Neil’s eyes got. Surprise flickered through them at first, then grim understanding.
“Obviously, I’m fine. Physically, anyways, but mostly mentally too. And—”
“—Todd, I wasn’t going to do anything. Not really.”
The silence was back, but Todd refused to let it drag out this time. “It always starts that way. But it doesn’t stay that way for long if you don’t get any help.”
Neil shifts awkwardly, pulling on his sleeve and looking away from Todd. He looked just about ready to bolt, and Todd knew he needed to finish this conversation fast. He wasn’t going to let Neil slip away from him.
“I know it sounds like garbage, but…things get better, eventually. I was so scared to start at Welton, and I think you knew that. I’m able to tell you about all of my— my baggage, I guess, because I met you, and everyone else. I want to help you, but I’m not the only one who cares. Charlie and Knox are wild, but they care, just like Meeks and Pitts do. And— And Mr. Keating he—”
“—Todd, I— Thank you. I know you’re all there for me, but you don’t have to…burden yourselves with, with me. Besides, it’s not like I can escape my father, or anything.”
“Well, it’s a good thing you’re not a burden. And I had Mr. Keating distract your dad, and we’ve been out here for like, half an hour. Is he…going to be looking for you? Should we be worried?”
For the first time since Todd started talking about what happened to him before Welton, Neil cracked a smile.
“You spoke to Mr. Keating outside of class?”
Todd laughed quietly, feeling the tension leave the room. “Yeah, I mean. Carpe diem, right?”
“Carpe diem, indeed. And no, I doubt my father is still looking for me. He’s probably left a message to Mr. Nolan, though.” Neil was smiling, though it wasn’t as bright as usual. It was, however, as warm as it always was when Neil looked at Todd. Suddenly, Todd had the goal of returning the shine to Neil’s smile like he was Helios carrying the sun.
“Then let’s just...make sure we don’t run into Nolan on our way back?”
“It is almost curfew, huh? We must be a bad influence on you, Todd.”
“I don’t know. I think you’re a good influence. All of you are.”
“Even Charlie?”
“...Maybe not all of you.”