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In the mess hall, Sam checks his messages as he eats breakfast. Finding one from Aurelan, he quickly plugs in earbuds and lets the video play on his PADD.
“Hi, Sam.” His wife smiles and waves. From the background, Sam can tell that she’s sitting at their kitchen table. “It’s Friday night and we’re making pizza for dinner.”
“With extra anchovies!” shouts a boy’s voice in the background. Sam thinks it’s Alexander, but he can’t be sure.
“With extra anchovies,” Aurelan affirms, holding up a can of synthesized fish. “Since you’re not here.” She picks up the camera and stands up from the table. “I’ll show you.”
Sam’s heart twists in his chest as Aurelan walks around the kitchen, showing off the boys’ culinary creations and letting them each update him on their lives. He can’t tell for sure from the video, but Peter looks taller than he remembers. And Julius’ hair definitely wasn’t that long the last time he saw him. Seeing his family together, so happy without him, is so painful that he has to pause the video for a moment to steel himself before continuing. The last thing he wants is to be caught crying in the mess.
“Anyway, we’re doing well,” Aurelan says when he resumes playing the message. “Everything’s good on Deneva. But we’re counting down the days until you’re back in range to call us. We miss you.”
“We miss you!” the boys chorus in the background.
“Love you, Sam.” Aurelan blows a kiss at the camera. The screen goes dark.
Sam is still grinning at his PADD, like an idiot, when Spock comes by five minutes later and informs him that he’s going to be late for their morning meeting.
~
Two hours into Alpha shift, Pike comes to personally retrieve Sam from his lab. He knows something is wrong by the way the captain doesn’t say a word as he leads Sam to the ready room — maybe his father’s heart condition has taken a turn for the worse — but nothing could prepare him for the moment when he sees Jim’s haunted expression on the viewscreen. “I’m so sorry,” he says. “We were just…too late.”
The rest of Sam’s memories from that day are fragmented. He remembers falling into the captain’s arms, sobbing and possibly screaming until he collapses with exhaustion onto the floor. He doesn’t remember how he gets from the ready room to Chris’ quarters, but he remembers seeing a full bottle of whisky in front of him and then later, an empty one. He also remembers throwing up a lot.
When Sam wakes up on Chris’ couch the next afternoon with a pounding headache, Chris offers him a hypospray for the hangover and as much time off as he needs. He only accepts the former. There’s no point in leaving Enterprise when he has nowhere else to go. Deneva is under quarantine and Earth has never really been his home, despite what his file says.
So he stays, using hyposprays of sleep medication to protect himself from dreams that invariably feature Aurelan or his sons. Christine and Erica and a few other coworkers invite him to hang out with them almost every night, and he forces himself to accept every once in a while, but for the most part, he just works. He signs up for extra shifts and he writes papers and he volunteers for every available away mission. When there’s nothing to do in the lab, he wanders into Engineering to lend a hand with whatever Scotty is working on at the moment. One day, Sam volunteers to be the test subject for Scotty’s half-baked theory on transwarp beaming. When he appears back in the shuttle, still intact, Sam tells himself that the feeling in his stomach is relief and not disappointment.
Through his time in Engineering, Sam manages to pick up enough to update his computer certifications. He passes the tests to be classified as an A-6 expert, which ties him for the highest certification on the ship, and laughs out loud at the look on Spock’s face when he forces out the words “congratulations, Lieutenant Kirk.” He laughs again when he finds out that Spock has upgraded to A-7 not long after.
~
M’Benga eventually catches Sam stealing sleep hypos from Sickbay. He doesn’t report him, but he does order Sam to take some time off, so he signs up for three days of leave the next time Enterprise is in spacedock. He’s only mildly annoyed when a few hours later, he receives a message from Jim informing him that Farragut will also be in spacedock at the same time, and that he’s booked a VIP suite for them to share. Sam can’t blame him too much for checking in; he’s ignored almost every message Jim or their parents have sent him and he knows he’d do the same for his brother if the roles were reversed. Besides, bickering with Jim will give him something to do other than wandering the station aimlessly as he’d planned.
The first thing Jim says to Sam when he opens the door to their shared quarters is “you look like shit.” The next is “I’m sorry, Sammy.” And then Sam is bawling on the floor and Jim is holding him, rocking him gently like a child which only makes Sam feel worse because he used to do that with his boys and he’ll never do that again. All of it is just so unfair that he can’t fucking stand it and he shoves his brother away.
Jim just takes it, the cursing and crying, until Sam is all worn out and empty inside and his limbs feel like lead. Then, he helps Sam to bed and tucks him in. When Sam comes to an indeterminate amount of time later, he finds that Jim has ordered all his favorites from room service and queued up three of their favorite movies on the vidscreen. He tries to apologize, but Jim just shrugs it off. “That’s what brothers are for,” he says.
The rest of the vacation goes surprisingly well. Jim is nicer than usual, but he doesn’t walk on eggshells around Sam and it’s refreshing. Instead, they explore new restaurants and chase each other through the station’s gardens and it feels almost like they’re kids again. They even share a bed like they used to on family vacations, thanks to a mix-up that left their suite with a single king-sized bed instead of the two queens Jim had requested. Sam would never admit it, but he appreciates having his brother close. He’s reasonably sure Jim feels the same way.
“So,” Jim says as they eat dinner on their last night together. “My science officer is going back to Earth soon. I have some good candidates for her replacement, but I haven’t decided who to pick yet.” He gives Sam a pointed look.
Sam spears a piece of lab-grown ribeye with his fork. “What, do you want my recommendation?”
Jim hesitates. “Actually, I was wondering if you would be interested.”
Sam nearly chokes on the bite of meat. “Seriously?” He shakes his head and swallows. “Jimmy, I can’t work for you.”
“Why not?” Jim asks. “If you’re worried about it looking like nepotism, I’ve already talked to Captain Pike. He admitted that you’re qualified, although I know he’d be sad to lose you.”
“It’s not that. It’s just…” Sam tries and fails to put his thoughts into words. He shakes his head. “I can’t.”
“Just think about it, please?” Jim asks. “I have some time before I have to make a decision. And I’d feel better having you close by.” Sam agrees to think about it and then changes the subject.
~
Back on Enterprise, Sam finds his brother has sent him a list of every active science project being conducted on Farragut, along with their complete itinerary of science missions for the next year. Jim has even highlighted a few that Sam can’t help but admit are right up his alley. Sam just shakes his head and closes the message. He doesn’t delete it, though.
But Sam never gets a chance to give Jim an answer, because before he knows it, Farragut is back to help Enterprise chase down a hostile Romulan ship. Pike asks Sam for an honest assessment of Jim and he gives it, then all but forgets about his brother until he looks out the window and sees Farragut explode right in front of his eyes. Sam forgets how to breathe for the next several minutes until he sees Jim, angry but alive.
They don’t get to talk until later, when Jim appears at Sam’s door with another bottle of whisky courtesy of Chris. It’s Sam’s turn to hold his brother as he drinks and rages and eventually breaks down crying over the lives he’s lost. Sam puts Jim to sleep in his bed and tucks him in and the whole situation reminds him of his sons. It hurts like hell, but Sam doesn’t mind.
~
Sam starts preparing his transfer request before Starfleet is even formally engaged in war with the Romulans, and most of his quarters are already packed up by the time he sends it in. He knows that as long as Pike is in command of the Enterprise, they’re not going to be anywhere near the front lines. Combat ships have little use for a xenobiologist, but Sam’s advanced field medic certifications still haven’t expired from the last war. Combined with his new computer expertise, it's not hard for Sam to find a ship that could use him. Chris tries to persuade him to stay, even offers him the science officer position that used to be Spock’s, but Sam knows where he belongs now. When he leaves for his new assignment on USS Bradbury, he makes sure to give Chris a hug. Judging by how tightly they hold onto each other, they both need it.
Through a series of coincidences, Jim gets his wish. A few months into the war, Sam’s new captain dies and Jim is sent by the admiralty as a replacement. Taking orders from Jim is more than a little strange for Sam, but he has enough practice suppressing his feelings by this point that no one can tell. Even he has to admit that Jim is a good captain, and Bradbury makes it through several major battles with nothing more than scrapes and bruises.
But war is hell and luck runs out, and after a year of conflict, Bradbury ends up alone with no weapons or shields, facing a Romulan warbird at full strength. Instead of just killing them, though, the commander of this particular Romulan vessel takes out their engines and then sets an explosive right in front of them.
“What the hell?” Jim asks as the warbird warps away.
“It’s on a timer,” reports the tactical officer. “Five minutes.”
Jim nods grimly and looks at the helm. “Is there any chance we can get far enough away from the bomb before it detonates?”
The pilot shakes her head. “No, sir. Our engines are completely inoperable. The reactor is badly damaged and Engineering is flooded with radiation. Nobody could survive for more than a few minutes.”
“Do we have any other options?” Jim asks.
“Escape pods won’t make it far enough to avoid the blast, either,” the tactical officer says. “And we only have two working shuttles.”
Jim stands up from his chair. “Okay, then,” he says. “I’m going down to Engineering. Helm, move us away from the explosive as soon as engines come back online.”
Sam follows his brother into the turbolift. “Jim, don’t do this.”
“If I don’t, we’re all dead anyway,” Jim doesn’t look at Sam. “I don’t have a choice.”
“But I do.” Before Jim can process this response, Sam pulls a hypospray out of his pocket and jams it into his brother’s neck.
“Sammy,” Jim says, eyes wide with shock. “Why?”
“I’m sorry.” His brother’s legs start to buckle and he catches him before he falls. “I can’t lose you, too.” Sam lowers Jim’s body to the ground.
The turbolift doors open. Sam starts to head to engineering, then stops. He turns back just as Jim’s eyes are starting to flutter closed. “It’s okay. I’m going to see Auri and the boys again.”