Work Text:
Now
Through the busy streets of Madrid, Itoshi Sae sauntered on the sidewalks, hiding himself behind a white face mask, a white beanie and earmuffs to cover his distinct red hair from the public. Under the cold weather of January, he snuggled beneath the fluffy jacket he wore, his gloved hands shoved inside its pockets. He watched the government workers take down the few lasting 2022 New Years decorations, remotions already due a few weeks, considering they were already 3 weeks into the year.
After 8 years living in Madrid, playing for La ReAl since he was barely 13 years old, he became quite used to the foreign and fast-paced costumes of the big cities. He hasn't come back to Japan in 4 years, and if he was being totally honest, he hadn't missed it one bit. It's not like he fit in the lifestyle of festive and late hours kept by Madrileños. Sae never went to parties, only the ones sponsors related, preferring to stay inside on the weekends even if his teammates called him for night outs in night clubs full of women ready to throw themselves into their arms. That always got him a few complaints, but they never pressed further, assuming he was this reserved just because of the stereotypical view they got from his Japanese blood. If that got them off his back, then it was enough.
The World Cup was coming up, and in just a few months, the players for the Japanese National Football team would be chosen, and called up to train together for the games. Since Sae became of age to play in the main team, he was called up for all games. He was an asset they couldn't even dare to lose.
Still strolling, he walked into the Park Madrid Rio when the messenger bag he carried started to vibrate on his side. He opened and pulled his phone out of it, an incoming call lighting up the screen.
Horny Demon
Scoffing, he answered the call and raised the phone to his ear anyway.
“Hey babe! How's it been over there? Been missing you lots.” Ryuusei’s upturned voice boomed through the microphone. A faint smile ghosted over Sae's lips, hidden behind the mask from everyone to see. He walked to a nearby bench, sitting down and watching over the scenery. Families trudged through the park, while couples took photos of their dates and people could be seen jogging even in the cold weather. “Called you up just to tell the Blue Lock guys will be having a meet up in London. They told me to forward the invitation, but I told them you wouldn't be up to it, but they were stubborn.” Ryuusei let out a chuckle at the end, Sae answering with a giggle of his own. People saw Sae as someone emotionless, but deep inside, he greatly valued the important people in his life specially after his brother's death
“I’ll think about it.” Sae acknowledged, and Ryuu laughed behind the phone from the man's predictability.
Sae met the man a few years ago for a U-20 match against Blue Lock 11, a team built out of players from a crazy project created by an even crazier man. Ryuusei was the top one contestant during the time, but even so, he was quite avoided by the other players in the complex. Sae's first impression of Ryuu was quite… exquisite. After teaming up for the match, they went out sometimes, and… started to date. They managed to have a long distance relationship, considering they were only 13 hours away from each other. “Thought so. If you change your mind, call me back. Or call me anytime, I miss you real bad.” Ryuusei begged.
“I will, Ryuu.” Sae mumbled into his phone. “Life's been normal, I guess”
“Only normal?”
Sae sighed at the question, peering at the scenery around him.
“Yeah. It's off-season, and the organisation gave the players a little break, so it's not like I have much to do. I'm taking a walk right now, but I was planning to just stay home all day today.” It's been boring, to say the least. Ryuu hummed in understanding, and the image he created inside his head of his boyfriend made him smile and chuckle lightly. “Maybe I could buy a plane ticket to Madrid and fly out to you. Save you from a boring day, wouldn't that be nice?” Ryuusei suggested, and Sae quickly rejected the offer, laughing at the absurd proposition.
When the laughter between them died out, silence settled between them. Sae was so thankful to have someone like Ryuu by his side. Even if they were miles apart from each other, Sae wouldn't doubt that his boyfriend would actually go through his offer just so he could have a good day.
“Sae, when was the last time you visited your therapist?”
Taken off guard, the redhead blinked in surprise from the sudden question. He staggered, stuttering as he tried to remember the last time he had actually paid a visit to his therapist. Maybe he had stopped attending the appointments 6 months ago, maybe even a year? He couldn't remember. As Sae took a long time to answer Ryuusei’s question, he heard the man behind the phone sigh.
“You know you shouldn't miss your appointments, Sae. I thought we had already spoken about this.” Ryuusei warned, and upon feeling like he was treating him like some kind of child, Sae snapped.
“Give me a break, Ryuusei. It's not that big of a deal, there are bigger problems to be worried about.” Sae said in contradiction. He heard another sigh come from Ryuusei, but this time, he didn't give any answer back.
“No need to get so fired up, babe.” Ryuusei nagged, and Sae only rolled his eyes. He was always like this, prodding, instigating people. At the start of their “relationship”, which could only be considered transactional, he always poked Sae for answers, for explanations for why Sae seemed so desperate to end the Blue Lock project, and chose specifically him to be by his side during it. It wasn't pleasant, at all, but Ryuusei’s constant stimulation was the start of their actual relationship. Nowadays, the man knows his limits, knows the boundaries they had settled for the two of them. He pestered, but if told a simple ‘no’ by Sae, he would stop everything he was currently doing to give him utmost comfort. “So then, the offer still stands. I would love to have you by my side during dinner.” Sae could hear the longing in his boyfriend's voice, and he instantly felt bad for snapping on him even if he was just concerned for Sae's wellbeing.
“I'll consider, don't worry. I miss you too, Ryuu. Call me later, I still wanna chat with you.” Sae faltered. They said their goodbyes, hanging up to a promise of a conversation left for the future.
He let his hand holding the phone fall to his lap, as he peered up at the sun, letting the sunshine rays harshly hit his turquoise eyes. Sae felt like he was forgetting something, something very important. Part of him ached, like a long lost member of his body had suddenly decided to give him phantom limb syndrome. If he looked at himself in the mirror, he wouldn't know what part of his body had disappeared, but would it remind him of someone who was actually missing? He averted his eyes from the big flaming ball in the sky, looking down at his phone and reading the time and date on his block screen.
10:34 A.M, January 19th of 2022
Sae gulped. The ache only got worse, and the pain seemed to go straight to his brain, which started to hurt like a headache was forming itself after making some kind of effort. He stood from the bench, ready to walk back home.
After 10 minutes of striding, he went up the elevator of his building to his own apartment. He took out his bunch of keys from his bag, jiggling and making noise. He turned the key inside the lock, opening and swinging open the door to his hallway. Sae crouched to take his shoes off and organise them in front of the door, then ripping all the clothes that protected him from the cold outside, now safe in the warmth of his own home. He shuffled inside the apartment, planning to sit on his couch and rot the rest of the day binge-watching his favourite movies. When he entered the living room, it didn't take long for Sae to look up and land his eyes on the picture frame on the TV stand.
Sae halted. His heart sank down to his feet as he stared wide-eyed at the photo upon the realisation of what that feeling of forgetfulness came from. His fists clenched by his sides, nails digging into the palm of his hands.
Today is Rin's death anniversary
I was weak, Sae. I couldn't protect our dream. I wasn't good enough. I'm so sorry for disappointing you. I should have picked myself up, sucked it all up and tried harder. I couldn't. So I'm sorry. Maybe I admired Nii-chan so much I couldn't imagine myself as someone other than an emulation of you.
When you came back and told me you didn't need me anymore, I felt like my whole world fell apart. I couldn't see a future without you, and I'm sorry I won't be able to try to have one. Before you even came back from Spain, I already doubted myself. I already wondered if this constant chase for you would suffice, would be enough to be good. I guess I failed.
It's weird, feeling this. It didn't take much for me to become so decided in such a choice. Maybe it was all a build up to this exact moment, and our parents were only a trigger.
They are so stressing, did you know that? They are barely home for most part of the year, and when they come back home to stay for basically less than a week, they are so demanding. When you fled to Spain, they just got rid of the responsibility of taking care of me, leaving me all by myself in Kamakura to fly out the city for work purposes, only sending a few thousand yen enough to let me get by. It was lonely. It was hard coming back to an empty house and no dinner ready to eat after tiring training. I only had you as a motivation.
Today I went to the convenience store you used to buy those cheap popsicles. The old granny passed away a few years ago, and her granddaughter now takes care of the store. Her name is Ozu Riko. She's nice. She gave me a popsicle for free. I will pay her back later.
I really tried to avoid everything that slightly reminded me of you, you know? I stopped going to practice. I never got inside my bedroom, it always reminded me of us. I stopped watching the news. I even turned my phone off completely. Still, everyone around me talked about you. It's like you haunted me.
I really liked football, but truthfully, I believe I only tried so hard so I could be able to stay by your side. It was my way of saying that I trusted you, trusted our dream.
Did you know suicide feels like an itch? It crawls under your skin. You know it's there, you can feel it consuming your body completely. The itch gets worse by the time, but you can never scratch it. Unless you die. Then you won't feel it anymore.
I may be being impulsive right now. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I just need to do this. No one can stop me right now. It's not like there is someone here to stop me.
I love you, Sae. I still don't understand why you decided to end our dream, but I do know that I trust you. So if anything, take your new dream and rise to the top. Rise to the top of the world and find a striker worthy enough of your talent. Receiving your passes made me feel honoured, and I really hope your striker treats you as the genius player you are.
Signed,
Itoshi Rin
January 19th, 2018
Sae had never once wondered how life would be with the absence of his little brother. He was so used to Rin's presence by his side everyday, that just imagining how living without him was quite impossible.
So, when Sae received the news he was scouted for La ReAl's subsidiary team, it took him a long time to realise that he would be several miles away from Rin. When he parted his ways from him, Sae didn't catch the glint in his little brother's eyes of someone who already longed for someone he loved.
He trained arduously everyday, and by the end of the day, he would never have the energy to pull himself up from his bedsheets and check his message box.
During his early years in the subteam, he was most of the times, if not always, ignored by his fellow teammates. Still so, he fought his way up, fought for his own worth, and made a name for himself in the football world even at such a young age.
Running on the grass field, Sae advanced towards the goalpost handling the ball with his feet in an agile manner. His eyes raked through the field trying to find the most well positioned player in his team who could manage to score a goal. From the corner of his eyes, Sae could see his manager run towards his coach and whisper something in his ears.
Distracted, he was surprised by a scream coming from his side, and he turned his head to see Leonardo Luna, who called for the ball confidently. Sae kicked the ball, a long pass towards the blond man, which fell directly on his right foot and went flying into the net with a powerful direct shot.
Between the screams of excitement from his screening team, he heard his coach call his name. Sae spun to face him, and he waved him to come to the benches. As he got closer, the expression on his coach's face became clearer, and it wasn't good. His brows were deeply furrowed, worry written all over his face. When Sae finally finished crossing the football field, he could see his throat bobbing. “Yes, coach?” Sae asked, wondering what had got his coach looking so nervous. His manager still stood by his side, looking even more distraught. They both couldn't even look in his eyes.
“Sae… I'll need you to go to my office with your manager for a second.” His coach only disclosed that much information, not telling him what was happening at all. Sae obeyed anyway, and followed both men out the field and into the corridors of the La ReAl training facility.
“Before we tell you what happened, we'll need you to sit down.” His coach started, opening the door to his office and gesturing to Sae to sit on the chair in front of the desk. Sae sat down, but he got even more confused about the situation as the minutes passed. He watched as his coach and manager rounded the desk to sit down in front of him, trying to find the right words.
“Sae, what we're about to tell you involves your family.” His manager was the first to interrupt the oppressing silence.
“Oh? What happened?” Sae instantly got more alert. If they were being so secretive and looking so troubled, then something bad must have happened. He leaned forwards towards them, waiting for their next words to come out.
“Before anything, we promise we will provide you and your family all the support we can offer you.” The more they spoke, the more scared Sae became. Absent-mindedly, he started scratching the skin on the back of his hands. “Sae… Today, at five in the afternoon, your…” The coach staggered, stuttering in the end and not finishing his sentence.
“Just say it! Stop being so vague!” Sae screamed. He felt fed up with all the beating around the bush. Something happened concerning someone from his family, and he needed to know what. Why would they even cause such suspense if the subject involved him?
This time, the one to speak up was his manager. His skittish, anxious manager. “Your brother Rin was found dead at 5 in the afternoon in Japan. An hour ago.”
…
What?
"What?” Sae genuinely asked, information still not making sense in his head despite the sheer objectiveness and directness of the man. Rin? Rin? His little brother? Dead? That could only be a bad joke. There was no way.
“Your brother… was found dead. He, uhm- it's still being investigated, but they believe- they believe he committed…” Both the manager and the coach felt obviously uncomfortable, they shuffled awkwardly on their seats, without knowing how Sae would react to the bad news. “We are deeply sorry, if you ever need any–” He was interrupted by a laugh. It came from Sae, who still felt completely lost.
“Rin? That stubborn kid? Dead? He wouldn't– He wouldn't do that! He wouldn't fucking– fucking commit suicide! He isn't weak like that! I know him! He isn't, he wouldn't! He wouldn't…” Sae's voice increased in volume as indignation filled his head. But as he bellowed, the weight of the meaning of the words fell upon him, and his voice weakened steadily until it faded out to his realisation, cradling his own head in his hands as he shook it in denial. He didn't hear the words of the two other men in front of him.
Sae stood up abruptly, making the two other men flinch and jump from the sudden change of attitude from the mourning man. He ran out of the room, slamming the door open and speeding in the corridors of the complex, heading for the locker room. From the back of the mixture of feelings inside his mind, he heard his name being called. He ignored it.
When he barrelled his way into the room, he came up to face his teammates, who had just finished their practice. He saw Luna in the corner of his eyes, staring at him with half concern and half curiosity to know what had got the foreign man so reactive. He ignored it too.
He couldn't think of any other thing besides Rin at that moment, but in another time, where he wouldn't be so desperate to know if what he had been told was actually real and not some horrible prank, he would be wondering about how thrown off his teammates must have been feeling by watching their japanese midfielder, who has always been so expressionless and collected display emotions like they had never seen, especially not the pure torment and dread that burned inside Sae's eyes and whole body.
Sae pushed a few of the players away, earning him a few loud complaints and push backs. Still, he made his way to his own cubicle, zipping his duffle bag open and shoving his hand inside it, all while tears already started to fall from the corner of his eyes. He pulled his phone out, powering it up to see his block screen filled with missed calls and messages. He quickly pressed on one of them, not even checking who he had been calling back. The contact information told him he had called his mom back.
As fast as he had called her, his mother answered the call, her gasps and sobs filling the noise in the call. She said something roughly and her voice sounded brittle, like she fought to rip the words out of her throat with her own hands. “Your brother– your brother killed- Your brother killed himself! Rin's dead! Rin's killed himself!” Her speech kept being interrupted by her own heavy sobs, but the time each one of them gave Sae to process the information didn't help the feeling akin to the sensation of an anvil falling on top of his stomach.
He couldn't answer his mother. He couldn't actually verbalise anything because he wasn't thinking. Nothing managed to cross his mind, and he wished he was completely unconscious so he couldn't hear, see, or feel.
Sae heard the noise of shuffling behind the phone, his mom's voice mixing with another person's voice. He waited with bated breath for what would be said next. Behind his back, he heard whispers, and the faint sound of someone asking “Is everything okay?” in Spanish.
“Hello, Sae. I guess you've heard. I'm sorry that the next time we have to call you is to give you such horrible news.” His father came on the call, with his everlong monotonous and flat voice. To such a reaction, the redhead felt this sudden surge of anger take over, but his dad beat him to a retort. “Your brother jumped off the pier. They tracked his movement down and found his things on the end of the walkway. He washed away to the shore.”
“Shut the fuck up.” Sae snapped, interrupting the rest of his dad's insensitive speech. He heard a huff come from him, but he barely cared anymore. “I saw Rin a month, maybe two months ago. What has happened since then? How did you guys didn't even realise he was about to commit suicide? Have you ever even paid attention to what he was doing?” Sae screamed out into the microphone, his furious tone reverberating around the locker room, making all the players inside the room shush and wonder why their mostly calm and collected midfielder seemed so altered, screaming in his native language to his phone. The tears running down his cheeks started to fall even more strongly, and the grip he had on his phone tightened even further. His father sputtered, struggling to find his own words to defend themselves.
“It's not like we had time! We had to spend most of our time away from home for work!” His father admitted, screaming back into the phone to counter the accusations. Sae scoffed, the puzzle pieces in his head coming together quicker than he wished. “Your work never stopped you from going to all my games!” Sae stated loudly, his father silencing himself after the lack of a comeback.
“Don't think that I never realised how your worry for Rin was conditional! How you only cared if it affected me somehow!” It was scary, how all the things Sae had chose to ignore were being brought back into light only after the damage had already been done. He felt bile rising up his throat, he still hadn't forgot the words that had come out of his own mouth during the last meet up. This is all my fault.
Fed up with the obviousness of the situation, he hung up the call. The lack of his father's voice making him angry made the high adrenaline that came with the fight fall. Therefore, as nobody distracted Sae from the real issue, everything dawned upon him like a tsunami wave. He couldn't hear. He couldn't see. He couldn't feel. His hand fell limply on his side, the phone clattering on the floor, followed by his knees hitting the ground.
Rin was dead.
If he let out a scream as guttural and strangled as the cable of a crane snapping, then that stayed between him and his horrified teammates inside the locker room.