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“Stop. You're hurting yourself.”
Seonghwa has been too busy staring at the APPLY FOR AN ALPHA form lying helplessly in front of him to notice he's bitten his lip raw and relentlessly since the very moment the shelter staff gave him the paper with an encouraging smile.
But the alpha’s cold order, because it is undoubtedly an alpha who's sat next to him by the way Seonghwa’s body stands on high alert, ready to bolt or just crawl into the tiniest space in existence, freezes him completely.
The alpha smells kind of angry, thick firewood oozing in waves, and Seonghwa doesn't want to make it worse by looking like a misbehaving omega who can't follow a simple order, stranger or not, so he lowers his head enough to show his submission and focuses his eyes on the other's boots and tries to not let the alpha know how terrified he actually feels of being talking to after merely weeks of his latest alpha–
“They're making you do this too?” The anger in his scent also permeates his words, even though the alpha’s voice is soft and almost appealing to listen to, and Seonghwa dares to look at the sheet of paper that is also on the table in front of the alpha. APPLY FOR AN OMEGA, reads at the top in bold, clear letters. Oh. “Such bullshit. They know all the people in here are fucking traumatized and still, still, they try to pair them like a happy little couple who hasn’t been abused or hurt or–” a huff of air, words stoke on his tongue, and suddenly Seonghwa feels a pair of eyes on him. “Are you mute?”
Seonghwa shouldn't feel ashamed, that's what the therapist at the health center said, but the alpha’s gaze on his throat makes him feel just like that. Even if he's lucky when others aren't, the deepest disgust and pain and shame of himself are almost impossible to subside, and he really, really doesn’t wanna answer that question.
But an alpha is still an alpha, and you can not just ignore when they ask you something.
Seonghwa’s shaking fingers somehow hold his bunny pen (a gift, the first in so many years) and write at the back of the form: no. injured. He hasn't written in a long time, but the guy reads the line well enough.
“Oh,” he sounds genuinely surprised. Seonghwa almost breathes in relief to get that out of the way when the guy keeps going, this time more slowly. “So… neckbiter?”
The word crashes them both somehow. Seonghwa has instant flashes, memories so vivid he can almost sense being tied to a bed, his eyes covered and nose bumped with so many, heavy pheromones that couldn't pick out the original scent of the alpha hovering above him, teeth breaking skin while he tried in vain to escape, crying, shouting to be free without success. Then, a lot of sounds (growls, words), a lot of scents (blood), a fight, everyone gone in seconds.
He blinks and returns to the present, goosebumps all over and chest heaving. His scent must have gone wild too, because there are a few helpers looking his way with worry, ready to act. The weird thing is that they are also looking at the guy next to him, but Seonghwa doesn't know why until he catches a sniffle of the air: the alpha is just as distraught.
So far, Seonghwa hasn't been brave enough to actually look at him, but with almost everyone in the garden looking at them, he finds the courage to do it. The teeth are the first thing he sees, white and pointy and alpha like and so, so frightening. Then are the eyes; dark, feline and lost in a place far away from the present, almost obscured by the longest hair framing the sides of his face where the back of his head is like a buzzcut; there’s no bite on his neck.
“Hey,” the alpha says out of nowhere and Seonghwa startles, an apology at the tip of his tongue until he remembers he can’t talk and decides to whimper where words lack: sorry, alpha, I’m sorry, please don't hurt me. “I’m not gonna. Hurt you, I mean,” he sounds and looks tired, like his body went on a ride on his own. Seonghwa is more intrigued by the way the guy knew exactly what he was thinking, but the alpha doesn't delve on that, or the way his body is almost taken by tremors and sweat and guilt on his scent. Instead, like he's in a hurry: “Who are you gonna put in there?”
Where? He wants to ask, but the dark eyes go intently to the form lying forgotten on the table and Seonghwa’s breath stills. No one’s, he would like to say, no one’s gonna have me again, but it would be a lie. His time here keeps going down every moment he turns in the empty sheet day after day, and if he doesn't find a potential mate, they're gonna throw him away like the useless omega he is.
“If it's the same to you, can you put my name?” the alpha looks determined when Seonghwa turns to him again in shock, so opposed to the frenetic boy of seconds ago. “I'll put yours too and we both will be free of this place. I'll take care of you. Just–” his voice cracks and Seonghwa swears he can almost see tears on the almond eyes. “Please.”
Seonghwa feels a knot on his throat while he writes: I’m someone's mate zero.
Meaning he won't belong to anyone fully, not again, not the way normal mates could be. And he will die one day. He doesn't know when or how long the pain will last until that point, but he will.
“I don't care.”
This time, the tears are all over his own eyes when he keeps writing: I can´t have pups. I can't give you anything but my body.
The alpha’s mouth is set in a line, gaze unwavering on the paper. “It’s okay. I don't need them and I won't touch you, I promise.”
Seonghwa can't believe what he's hearing. He lets his hand create the words: why me? there are others who could can give you that
At that, the guy smiles. Something small, almost not there, but the softness of his face and the way his teeth look less like ready to bite someone's carotid out and more like ready to nip Seonghwa’s neck in playful banter, make him feel a little less hopeless and delusional about this whole exchange.
“You smell like strawberries. I have always loved strawberries,” the alpha says and Seonghwa allows himself to frown. Really? he tries to convey through his expression, and the alpha for the first time since he sat at this table, at the far end of the garden in the shelter home, laughs. It sounds nice. “Anything else?”
Seonghwa looks around, at the people not looking at them anymore, but also at himself, at the way his body is more loose and relaxed without realizing it. It’s been a first since he arrived. He bites his lip again, thinking, and the wound makes itself known. He stops immediately.
Have we met before? He writes and the guy stays fixed on Seonghwa for a while. “No. I don't think so.”
Seonghwa tries to not feel disappointed and nods. He slides the form towards the alpha along with the bunny pen and nods once more towards the line under ALPHA'S NAME. The guy looks at him one last time before taking the pen and signing his name with perfect presition. KIM HONGJOONG. Seonghwa feels tremors all over his body. It's done. It's finally done. Alpha Kim Hongjoong slides the form back to him.
“Ready to turn them in?” Hongjoong asks and Seonghwa makes grabby hands at the alpha’s own form to write his name, but the alpha just stands up. “I already wrote yours, Seonghwa.” Then starts walking away.